Spooky Crafts and Mini Monsters

 

    If it wasn’t obvious already I’ll gladly take the time to point out the slight hiccup in the posting schedule. Outside of the usual antics of the season and the “cough” fun of work there’s also the advent of two new lifeforms added to the household. Yes, for the second Halloween season in a row there are new kitties round here. So far they’re not too much of a handful though there’s the obvious challenge of acclimating the beasts we already have to the new situation. Adding to that is the slight drama of whether we’re keeping both of the newbies. That matter seems to be settled as of today with the female seemingly being a permanent resident.

    Even without new pets there’s still been an ample amount of activity lately with plenty of outings and little adventures. Just the other day involved a journey down country roads in search of a mighty pumpkin sale. Before long there needs to be a costco run for the truckload of batteries required of every holiday. While that’s all fine and good it’s not really the universal spirit of Halloween. Oftentimes the best memories are made doing the little stuff like nighttime walks through the dead leaves or just turning off all the lights for a favorite old scary movie. Cheap activities around the home that give us a minute to reflect and breath in the season are key. To that end I figured tonight would be a good time to talk a little arts and crafts in a range of prices for anyone in need of a little quiet spooky project.

    By far the least expensive of these projects can be found at whatever dollar store chain you happen to live by. At damn near any of em you can find both seasonal wooden crafts and paints to spiff em up. For us we picked up some signs and masks from Dollar tree and coated em in a variety of cheapo craft paint. While the financial edge can’t be denied there’s a certain level of annoyance to be found working with this stuff as any sort of woodcraft sucks up acrylic paint like mad. This makes for weird uneven patches and colors sliding over barriers, just generally being a pain. A big tip is to spend some time highlighting edges and boarders with markers. My sister went over all of these and it made a world of difference for the final product. Patience is key here making this particular project a pain for someone like me. For others out there it could be a fun family activity that won’t crush the bank balance.

    The mid-tier price belongs to artificial pumpkins. I’ve covered these in the past as they have one of the biggest impacts on seasonal enjoyment. For twelve bucks I got a blue pumpkin at Target, used a couple patterns from my backlog of carving books, split the pumpkin in half, and now we have two more wall lanterns that can be used year after year. Obviously the expense can go up depending on your brand of craft pumpkin, whether you have appropriate tools, and whether you have patterns or want to freestyle your creation. With just a couple nights, some hand pain, and careful dedication you can get some fantastic results.

    For the third and most expensive craft option we turn to the subject that inspired this post to begin with. Working at a game store I’d find myself spending a quiet moment staring at the spinner rack of unpainted rpg miniatures. Don’t make the mistake of thinking about eleven clerics and the like, no time for that nonsense. My focus was on the big monsters. Creatures like froghemoths or dire trolls. The thought emerged that these guys would be great sprinkled among the Halloween village or mood table. Never guessed at the trap I’d stepped into as this notion shifted from a quaint idea to new obsession.

    As with anything else price can be an issue. For the most impressive miniatures you’re talking prices ranging from 8-30 bucks. That’s before paints, brushes, etc. There are a few ways to make it a more affordable pursuit however. First off when it comes to paints you largely want the nice model grade stuff like Citadel and Army Painter. Those cheap craft paints you may have lying around won’t cut it for any major features. That being said they work just fine for small details, dry-brushing, stuff like that. My most complicated work so far will still incorporate something inexpensive for added touches. On brushes you’ve got even more leeway. I’ve seen people buy single brushes that cost more than the whole set I got online. The only really special one you need is a puffy makeup brush for dry-brushing, and those can be nabbed at a dollar store. There’s definite time investment here since you can learn all about different techniques, tools, and paints. If you get hooked every model can serve as another chance to grew your skillets. One night it’s metallic paint on a mechanized monster, the next it’s contrast paints on a shambling mound. While it can be handy to search to the net for guides, videos on this subject can be downright insufferable though with so many folks yammering on while refusing to edit their content down to a reasonable length. Just consider part of the investment as time spent finding one guide you can put up with. No matter your level of dedication these critters make a fine way to add some personal flair to any Halloween display.

    With that we’re somewhat back on track. I hope tonight’s post gave you all some ideas on ways to spend an evening indulging in the season while still feeling constructive. There’s still so much to cover this month and I hope you’re all out there having fun with what feels like a return to almost proper Halloween. If there was ever a time to indulge this is it. So turn on some unsolved mysteries, paint a vampire, and maybe play a spooky game. With any luck I’ll be back this weekend with the mood displays.

September Spree 2021:

 

    If you’ve spent any amount of time around this blog you’ll no doubt have noticed a trend towards traditions. Be it the usage of Helloween to usher in October or the Thanksgiving cinematic turkey, I simply can’t help myself from adopting different annual practices. One of the oddest ones to worm its way into my life in recent years is the September spree, an annual outing of extreme commercial avarice. The general rule has been that there is no set date for this practice. I just get up one day in September, decide to go shopping, and bring back a larger than average amount of stuff. Only this year I actually had to set a date and naturally worried if planning for the spree would upset the balance of nature. Turns out those fears were unfounded Despite a few hurdles, or possibly because of them, the deeper meaning of this odd tradition made itself known.

    Starting off the adventure we headed to Home Depot which had reportedly gone all-out on some kickass decorations this year though the one I visited apparently didn’t get the memo. It seemed like this wasn’t just them selling out as they obviously hadn’t cleared out much space for anything and were carrying a pittance of what the company had on offer. First stop ended up as a total bust but not enough to discourage the spirit of materialism.

    Thankfully this same plaza was home to Ollie’s Bargain Outlet. If you’ve never made a visit to any of their stores just combine a bit of hazy childhood memories with nightmares, sadness, and a nifty element of surprise. Like the stores are sorta beat down and depressing but you can find such awesome shit at dirt cheap prices it feels like going to a weirdo toy store. I walked outta there with multiple board games and a marvel omnibus for just over 40 bucks.

    Next up was Target where things were messy to say the least. On the one hand it was easy to find nice little items like candy and coffee but the Halloween section was something of a desert. Found a couple of goodies like this years craft pumpkin, yet another tradition, and a nicely made groundbreaking skeleton, but a lot of heavy hitters and essentials were absolutely awol. This is something of a theme this season thanks to a two-pronged event. On one end there’s a whole lotta people who want to get back into Halloween big time after trimming back in 2020 and are buying up everything in sight. At the same time some of these stores, like my local dollar tree, based their orders off of last years sales which is an astoundingly bad way to do business. Combine trimmed orders with increased demand and the result are barren aisles.

    The nearest Spirit store had some alright stuff just not the one thing I would buy without any concern for price. Menards basically hadn’t added anything new since August, Lowe’s was down to broken display models for some of their items, though there were some nice battery op torices. Michael's appeared to have been besieged by the tazmanian devil though they at least promised to be restocked down the line. Yet even with these lackluster showings I still managed to find a decent selection of items

    Ending our journey were two grocery stops where a plethora of seasonal items were nabbed up. While the primary reason for visiting Kroger was the new Thrashed Apple Mtn Dew it oddly served as the location for buying new string lights. Local hotspot, Horrocks served as the spot to stock up on pumpkin ale along with Halloween Gummi Worms and Pumpkin Spice Malt Balls. On the ale front Sam Adams Jack-O is probably the front-runner so far this year. That could easily change once if Southern Tier finally shows up.

    As you can tell we managed to bring home a lot of goodies, even if they weren’t the ones I planed on getting, and in the process spent far less than I imagined. That’s where the beauty of this event started to shine through. We often get so bogged down and complacent by having shopping constantly at our fingertips that we forget the real hunt of just going hog-wiled. The point of the spree isn’t to spend a ton, though that is a possibility. The point is to get out there and shop like it’s the 20^th century. Hit up so many stores your feet ache. Search high and low to see what’s out there. Give those items you’ve often passed over a shot at the limelight. The September spree isn’t so much about buying a shitload so much as acting like you’re going too, and rewarding the stores that make living large an actual possibility.

    Obviously your mileage for something like the September spree could be far less than mine. No doubt many of you did such crazy things as having kids or getting married which ties up some funds. Do yourself a favor though and take some of your fun cash and just go on a big ole shopping tour with it. You’ll likely still have some at the end of the day along with something you never expected. That’s the sort of surprise that makes life a bit more fun.

    For those interested I’ll try to recreate the full list of goodies: Deadpool Minibus 2, Campaign Manager 2008, Keyforge Age of Acension Starter, teal craft pumpkin, groundbreaking skeleton, pumpkin love coffee, candies, cloth folding coffin, more candy, beetle decoration, Pumpkin Spice Maltballs, upwards of 16 bottles of pumpkin ale, gorgonzola cheese, string lights, pumpkin torches, Mtn Dew, Cookies, Dove chocolate, and a reminder to pace myself on all that sugar. Consider this along with past September posts as an example f what can happen when you just let yourself shop freely.

    That’s enough commercialism for tonight. Next time I’ll bring you guys something a bit more wholesome and down to Earth. Right now I’m stuck indoors with the pounding of rain as a constant companion. Guess it’s time to dig out more decorations and start planning this years mood fixture. Gonna leave tables behind this year so keep an eye out for that. Hope you’re all adventuring and finding new ways to inspire that spooky spirit.

CosmicSparky Returns to Adventuring

 

After a seeming eternity of safety-measures and putting off outings for later the cementing of vaccines has finally allowed for a return to small adventures. Yes, yes, yous truly is able to venture forth and seek out the weird wonders of mid-Michigan and thanks to the new job I actually have the cash to back it up. From the earliest days of the pandemic my first goal was to return to my beloved thrift and antique holes where shopping is unpredictable and often a bit smelly. Technically I made my triumphant return last weekend via some local joints and managed to bring little home besides a few odd card games. It managed to feel like a step in the right direction yet wasn’t quite enough to rejuvenate the spirit of the hunt. After another week it was time to set out to a neighboring town to revisit some antique stores we’d hit back in the summer of 2019 which, by my calculations, was about about eight years ago. While it wasn’t everything envisioned during those homebound days it still managed to be a worthy outing for a weekend afternoon.

So the plan to kickoff returning to old junk stores was a visit to Nashville, the Michigan version, a sleepy lil burg with two decent antique markets. The main reason I’d wanted to return here was that 66 Unique Antiques had an upstairs corner filled to the brim with old records and comics where I discovered the wonders of Japanese metal band, Loudness. Suffice to say I marched upstairs and straight to that corner upon entering the building only to find bupkis… a new booth under construction with nary a sign of record or comic to be found. Using breathing techniques to steady myself I though perhaps the vendor simply changed booths, downsized, or something to that effect and commenced a total search of the store.

Eventually I learned that the legendary corner was actually stock the building owners had purchased from closed stores and the two main chunks had been bought out last fall. Ordinarily this would have cast a major cloud over the day had I not found a few lovely picks during the search. With a half-hour to spare before both places closed up I headed across the street to boardroom antiques where I nabbed one more goody and asked about a major piece of memorabilia. This old KB Toys sign was there the last time I’d visited and boy does it ever bring back some good vibes. I’ve always had lousy teeth which back when I was kid meant at least a few times a year I’d have to get some fillings. Afterward I was almost assured a visit to the Lansing Mall for Sabarro pizza and some KB shopping. Just looking at this formed plastic brings back sensations of a sore mouth, pepperoni pizza, and the sights of various mechanical toys bumping around on a walled display table. I had to ask what the asking price could be. The quote was around $250, a bit to high for me currently though I’m considering a return somewhere down the road. Of course if any of you would like to get there first and save me from myself that’s fine.

What about the days haul then? One of the first areas of note had a bevy of late-80s/early-90s comics on hand. You’ll note I picked up a few from Marvel’s failed New Universe line. These titles were long gone before my initial experience with comics and had a small failed reboot a little after I returned to the medium in the mid-aughts. The idea was a comic world that veered closer to reality with regular people suddenly being changed by something called the “white event” which granted more scientifically plausible abilities than traditional comics were known for. In recent years I’ve really wanted to dig into these obscure characters and there was a decent offering on hand at this booth. Sadly some of the others where a good deal more expensive or in the middle of their respective series but I was more than happy to march off with the first issue of Kickers Inc. John Byrne’s run on Namor is a title whose Omnibus has been tempting for a while so this issues offers a chance to get a sneak peak at whether the big tome is worth it. Punisher: The Prize just looked like a good read and Hawkworld was a pretty major overhaul for Hawkman that, like many classics DC titles, has a spotty record for collected editions.

On the record front I managed to find a vendor who tried to offer a balance of good condition items at sensible pricing. On hand was a copy of More Chad & Jeremy, a duo firmly set within the framework of Beatles and Monkees era tunes, and music from Miami Vice which offers a nice combo of material made for and licensed by the series. Over at Boardroom I got the best of Hank Williams marking I believe only my second country album in the collection. Admittedly I dispose modern upbeat country only opening my saloon doors for this classic sad-sack stuff. Among the highlights are “Why Don’t You Love Me” and one I’d never heard called “Kaw-liga” about a wooden cigar store Indian who can’t express his feelings. It’s a bit odd and more than a little culturally insensitive.

Bringing home some tunes and reading material was totally expected, what wasn’t was a glass case display of old NES titles near the check-out. While fairly small the selection of titles had plenty to offer be it action, puzzle, etc. Some like Ninja Gaiden II were just simply cost more than I was willing to give into while many of the others didn’t have much in the way of personal meaning, until I found a big one. Dragon Warrior, a game that stood alongside Final Fantasy in our cartridge collection as something my young, illiterate mind couldn't play. I certainly gave the old college try but it would be years before I finally dove headfirst into the world of JRPGs. There’s a lot of memories tied up with this cart be it watching my brothers tackle the game for real, my own meager attempts at battling slimes, or simply admiring the boss ass artwork. Once I clean this copy up it’ll serve as a reminder of how those early days resulted in modern traditions like tackling a Final Fantasy, Tales of, and Ys every year.

There was an unexpected addition to the trip in that we wove our way back through the dirt back-roads of, I believe, Mennonite country, emerging just in time to visit a place called Sunset Acres Bakery which has been around for a few years but is just outside of our usual travel routes. These ladies were stocked up on some crazy treats like sugar cookies that seem closer to personal pan sized cakes or giant rice crispy treat rolls with chocolate swirls. It feels odd to purchase something this indulgent from a bunch of repressive religious zealots but maybe this is how they vent sinful urges. Overall I enjoyed most of this stuff with their peanut butter cookies being the real winners.

So that was a tiny adventure that may just result in some extra post material down the line. It felt so good to finally get out there and feel secure enough to linger and shop properly. Now it’s time to prepare for a few more days trips like finally seeing my college. Seriously… I graduated from a school I’ve never seen. For tonight however I am content to relax and unwind before another work week unfolds. Feel free to share any thoughts on the haul or tips for nice weird stores to visit.

Halloween Wall Decor.

 

For a year that’s felt like an eternity it’s tough to believe Halloween is merely days away. It’s also hard to deny how strange a season this has been. No doubt it has required a bit more patience and cunning than usual. With that comes opportunities to create new traditions and discover different ways of setting our seasonal spaces. That’s the theme for today at least as we spend a great deal of time crafting and staring at the walls. It’s more fun that it sounds… I swear.

Let’s kick things off with a total surprise arrival. Last year Trick or Treat Studios started a line of classic die-cut style decorations based on movie properties like Child’s Play and They Live. Among them were multiple sets based on different Halloween entries. Finances sadly didn’t allow for them at the time but during the summer I used some stimulus fun bucks to order from a trusted store. Then the package got lost in Memphis. I was refunded for them way back in September and forgotten about the whole thing until a strange, thin package showed up this afternoon.

I got the set based on the original Halloween which comes with six die-cuts. The five primary decorations are awesome. The designs are outstanding, colors are bold, printing stock is solid, zero complaints on that front. However; the possible Michael has some notable quality control issues. First off he was packed in with his leg bent. Second his head is too small. Third some of his joints are too large to easily fold back up for storage. So the big one is a bit of a mess but given the overall quality of the other five I’d call these a win. Just don’t expect almost a quarter year of shipping with a full refund, think you have to win a really lame lottery for that sort of treatment.

Ghoulsville is something I’ve wanted to write about for months since getting them way back in early July. As you all know there’s been a number of distractions between then and now but it’s time to correct that little wrong. These and their accompanying smaller brothers called Mini Monsters come from a store called Retro-a-go-go with a mercifully well-made website. The pitch is simple, create large plastic replicas of vintage masks to hang on the wall. The proper Ghoulsville models are two-feet long from top to bottom whereas the mini ones are something like six inches with prices ranging across the lines from twenty to thirty-five bucks. The store does sell some at discount that are slightly defective or missing their boxes which is how I picked up my witch.

Without a doubt I adore this big old witch. It bugs nearly everyone else in the house but I think it’s just perfect. The only issue I could point out about it is the brown cardboard backing visible through the eyes, which could be a defect but it blends perfectly with our brown accent wall. The mini monster I’m not as thrilled with. No doubt it’s nice and has proper black eyes, plus the small size is a great option for those with limited space. Mini’s also come with die-cut figures that help to make up the difference. For me the whole point is having big statement pieces. You may not be infected with such monster truck thinking but that’s my recommendation all the same.

I’d read that shipping for these is a problem though both the cost and time, all of one day, were remarkable. Then I realized the store’s only fifty minutes away. Yet another reason to be a proud and drunk Michigan dweller. If you live in somewhat more civilized states maybe expect to pay a little more.

Some of you may recall from my September shopping spree that I picked up a white craft-pumpkin with the plan to create some wall-lanterns. I sat on the project for quite a while, unsure of the right time to dive in. Spending nearly every afternoon chronicling the buzzwords from educational webinars made it so my brain finally screamed out for a project. And so I offer you some tips and tricks for your own potential craft night.

First one has to talk about tools. Those with more money and skill suggest the likes of a heated craft knife or an exacto knife. Lacking the former and a fear of losing my fingertips keeping me from the later I had only one option left. Years back Pumpkin Masters made faux pumpkin books with proper tools for the project. These obviously lack the clean cutting speed of the other tools but make up for it somewhat with safety. And yeah before you ask these are the ashland pumpkins found at Michaels. Funkins are apparently the gold standard though that’s sadly reflected in the price. For the needs of any budget minded haunter these will work just fine. Oh and lay out some towels for this since the powered innards of these things will embed themselves into every available space and orifice.

This whole process amounts to three projects, the first and most arduous of which is chopping the damn thing in twain. As mentioned in that September article, Ashland used to make per-halfed craft pumpkins for just such projects. Or maybe they still do and I’m simply unlucky enough never to find them. That version trimmed off a lot of time as the other option is spending about fifty minutes slowly sawing around the obvious fuse line of the pumpkin. I suggest comfortable viewing material for this bit of the operation. Old game shows, maybe Murder She Wrote. I started at the bottom and just worked bit by bit. Don’t rush it since you can loose your line and end up with uneven halves.

After giving my hand at least one full night to recover I moved to picking out some patterns. Whether you’re using something premaid or designing your own the key thing to remember is that without the extra smooth cutting tools you don’t want to get too outlandish. Craft pumpkins simply don’t have the same kind of texture and flow as the real deal and it can take some real work to knock out some fairly basic designs. Plus there’s much to be said for the structural integrity provided by simple faces. This year I decided to split the difference with two pumpkin masters patterns, one spooky, the other goofy. As with a real pumpkin the different shaping of individual sides makes for a unique canvas. For the silly one I used the more rounded half while the scary one took a slightly off-center look. For patterns you can use wipe-off markers, maybe the water and sandwich-wrap thing so many companies suggest. For me I took the arduous path of the old pattern poker. The advantage with this approach is having little holes gives your knife a spot to bite in.

If you’ve got the tools and the time my biggest advice is to be patient and cut slowly. Mad sawing action is only gonna ruin the investment. Once you’re done simply pick a nail or put up a command hook and plop these onto the wall with a led candle inside. Bam! Instant mood booster.

This was the sort of activity I needed and might become a tradition for the next few years so I can amass a collection to cover every room and then some. Plus each year can be a different color. I went with white this time to counter the orange and black from past projects but there’s weird ones like Turquoise or Pink every so often, plus you could always do your own paint job, maybe throw in some glitter or glow-in-the-dark stuff if you wanna get fruity.

And there’s a run-down of all sorts of odd shit you can stick to your walls. There’s so much else to tell you guys about like new pets, finally finding some Mtn. Dew Frost Bite, maybe I’ll be able to bring you all a little more before Saturday. If not then maybe go track down a craft pumpkin or watch The Fog. Just do something fun and enjoy the season as much as you can. Freaky nighttime walks in the park count all the more if you’re chased by unidentified forest creatures, just sayin.

September Spree 2020

 

    If there’s anything to be certain of this Halloween it’s, somewhat fittingly, uncertainty. It’s tough to know which of our traditions will still take place and which ones are put on hiatus. At the very least this can lead to a few pleasant surprise when something you thought was unlikely happens anyway. Such is the case with today’s story of a September shopping spree. This one’s got everything from core staples to historical television, so get cozy since you might see some of these items return for another post.

    The September spree is something I never plan for but has taken place for at least half-a-decade without fail. I get up to have coffee and soon enough find myself twenty miles away investigating the newest seasonal goodies. Given that I haven’t had a trip of this nature since possibly February I had zero hope of it happening. Ya know that saying about lemons and lemonade? Well mine is when a relative needs a new leaf-blower slip into as many extra stores as you can.

    Some of this haul is predictable necessity. Light Strands for the crab-apple tree or cemetery fence, orange storage totes for reorganization, but there’s still fun to be had with these simple items like the white craft pumpkin. For a couple of years some craft stores sold artificial pumpkins that had already been sawed in half and given a hanger so you could carve and put em on the wall. I adored those halves since they made for some of the best, and easily stored decorations around. For whatever reason, stores are now content to only sell full craft pumpkins which means I’m just gonna start splitting them in twain myself. Every Halloween should have at least one project night and the addition of some new pattern books this should provide a decent distraction. And yes I got the usual array of carving pattern books. They may not be the most prestigious items around but they’re an essential part of every spooky season. You might end up seeing a guide on creating wall-pumpkins in a couple weeks.

    I did manage to dig up a few more interesting items. Can’t help but note for those who haven’t gotten out for much shopping that there is a lot of repeat stuff from last year. It makes sense of course with the state of the world, and it isn’t without some perks. Consider this blow-mold style pumpkin man I got from Michael’s. He was part of a wave of retro decorations last year and managed to escape my grasp. Not this time, little man. Also dig the light-up trio of witches for the cemetery with a third of the price already slashed off thanks to being older stock. Even managed to fit some of those torch light-bulbs into the budget. If nothing else the end of the world is surprisingly gentle on the wallet.

    Eagle-eyed readers are going to notice something that is neither new nor exclusive to Halloween yet I feel it vital to stress their value all the same. I’m talking about Zapp’s Voodoo potato chips. Despite being a year-round product there are few snacks better fit to serve as a fixture of this season. If you’ve never had them imagine something that walks the line of being spicy but not really hot. Tons of flavor, great on a sandwich, and the theme is a perfect fit on a stormy night with an old voodoo flick like I Walked With a Zombie or Sugar Hill.

    Last but definitely not least is a horror movie haul from dollar tree of all places. Actually dollar stores in general have been a nice spot to build film collections for a while now though my usual haul is just one or two titles. Last night I came across a nice spread of terror tales ranging from pure classics to silly rubbish with a spot of unique television in between. As for the five movies I was most pleased to nab a DVD of the original Pulse. The rest are all virginal to me with the supposedly wretched Wish Upon, goofy British slasher flick Severance, the often dismissed James Gunn/Greg McLean project The Belko Experiment, and some violent Rutger Hauer action via Hobo With a Shotgun. Obviously results can vary wildly but if you need to stock up on some random entertainment for the season it’s hard to argue with the price. Plus there’s one item here that needs a little more attention.

    The Hitchhiker is a 1980s anthology series from HBO. More accurately it is the very first series the channel ever had. Much like the later Tales From the Crypt this show pulled in some major talent for one-shot horror and crime stories on a weekly basis. Unlike Crypt this show is hardly ever brought up and is seemingly impossible to collect in full, there’s even a complete series release that's more like half the series if that makes a lick of damn sense. No clue if this has to do with contract issues, outright negligence, or the move to USA Network for the last few seasons. Whatever the reason this show is historically important yet almost totally forgotten. Can’t say as I’ve ever seen an episode but that all changes with this two-disc set containing 10 of what the packaging claims are the best episodes. Regardless of actual quality there’s the promise of Gary Busey which means Friday night’s gonna be alright.

    And thus concludes this years September spree. It took a little bit of retraining on my part trying to find a comfort level in these stores again since it’s been son long since I last shopped like this. Once things got moving however it felt about 56% normal. Overall a well-needed change of pace during a time of stress. Given the importance of safety however this is absolutely the year to trade advice and shopping tips whenever possible so we’re not all traipsing across the countryside in hopes of material satisfaction. That’s all I’ve got in the tank for tonight kiddos. There’s schoolwork and decorating to be done but I will reach my post quota for the month so come back in a couple days and I’ll whip up something nifty. Ta for now.

Swayze Christmas Barstool, Partridge in a Pair Tree, and Christmas Tidbits 2019.

Crazy as it may be we're well on our way towards Christmas, with celebrations begin even closer for some of the other holidays. Maybe it's because I seem to have a slump after turkey day, or maybe it's because it took far too long to decorate, but I'm just not ready for Santa to wiggle his fat butt down the chimney. Reality dictates that there's only two weeks left before presents and eggnog flow freely so if we want to enjoy this season while it's here we may need to step things up. That's the plan for today, sharing as many festive odds and ends as possible with you all and maybe inspire a little celebrating.

One excellent way to boost the holiday spirit is to come up with something new, possibly even a new tradition. Back to when I was taking down Halloween decorations, which feels like an eternity ago, an idea occurred that was just cheeky enough to work. In the continuing battle to improve the Christmas display something just had to be done with our pear tree. I mean it's in the song, right? A partridge in a pear tree, so why not Keith Partridge? In an odd twist this particular notion didn't simply fade away. Instead it took a decent printer, some lamination, along with a paper punch and zip-ties have yielded the perfect melding of festive decoration and embodiment of bad puns. It's just big enough to be seen from the street but I've yet to hear any comments from the neighborhood. Wouldn't be surprised if some poor sap who doesn't know any better mistakes it for a memorial to some family member. Or maybe that's just me hoping for the chance to giggle at someone while they express sympathy for our loss. Even if nobody says a thing the best part is I can do this for years to come with different Partridge folks. Maybe next year will be Danny Bonaduce or Susan Dey.

Another way to lift our collective holiday mood is indulging in traditions which means it's time to show off the annual Patrick Swayze Christmas Barstool. Those who recall the written rules should know that any chair is acceptable for this task which turned out to be a godsend as the usual stool has up and vanished. With the change in seating I thought it best to alter the mood a bit for this edition. Instead of trying to replicate a seedy roadhouse I thought maybe Swayze could bounce for a more feminine environment, the sort of place with specials on mimosas. Given the sudden rush of this month that was about all the inspiration I could muster which resulted in a largely freeballed display. Gotta say I still like the results. The tree provides decent accompaniment without overshadowing the chair while the big plastic noel candle serves as a focal point. Those who remember this years Halloween mood table might recognize Clancy Brown Bear, this time sporting a Krampus mask. On one hand I know that if given more supplies I could have done a better job yet this seems to match the season perfectly.

One tradition I've never had much luck with is advent calendars. Up until a few years ago I'd never even had one of the things, and even then it wasn't all that great. That changed a little this month when my sister brought back something strange from Canada. This big ole slab of cardboard is a rather adult Abtey Chocolates advent-calendar Inside each compartment is a chocolate filled with hooch. There's an interesting variety here with some fruity and a few more traditional drinks on offer be it Cointreau, Kirsch, or some fine Camus Cognac. The actual flavor and eating experience can change wildly. For instance I've had two Cointreau chocolates so far that were far removed from each-other. The first surprised me by popping in my mouth like an orange liqueur zit to the point that I nearly spat some out. The second however either had less filling to begin with or had simply absorbed more of it which lent a nice alcoholic burn to a solid orange chocolate. Even with such variances there are still clear favorites and one type to be dreaded. The absolute winners thus far are Label 5 whisky and Camus Cognac whereas the Saint James Rum is pretty awful. There's yet another Camus offering that I've yet to encounter though, given an educated guess, it seems like they are likely in the two large compartments for the 23^rd and 24^th. While this certainly isn't a holiday tradition for everyone, wet alcoholic chocolate can be a bit off-putting after all, it's still a fun way to mix things up and make this Christmas a little different.

It just wouldn't be Santa season without the stash of yuletide horror movies. This year I decided to continue displaying items on the corner shelf with all the xmas terror tales placed in levels of importance. On top are most of the essentials like Christmas Evil, P2, the original Black Christmas, the stuff that just has to be viewed each and every December. Level two is for the really good but not always necessary films like The Box, Better Watch Out, and Krampus, Three gets into trashier territory along the lines of Jack Frost, Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (bet you forgot that was a festive flick), and the Black Christmas remake. Actually we have to start calling that the first remake, don't we? That's gonna be a problem in casual conversation. The final level is is a grab bag of weaker or extra trashy fare, Don't Open till Christmas, combined with a pile of films that only barely include the holiday, Blue Sunshine. Streaming services have offered some extra experiences this month, first with Blood Beat. If you ever had a weirdly specific wish for a samurai possession film set in rural Wisconsin for the holidays then this is for you. Seriously though this movie is absolutely nuts and occasionally hilarious yet it never makes a bit of damn sense. On the opposite end of the spectrum is I Trapped the Devil which is too slow for its own good only to mostly make up for it with a solid final act. Of the two the latter is the more festive... then again it totally lacks psychic samurai action.

For those of you who are extra brave there's always the risks and rewards of digging up old forgotten holiday specials on physical media or by scouring the halls of streaming services. Just this very night I settled in for A Very Merry Cricket. Like so many of these things there's a rather sizable history to this special but the short version is there was a popular book called The Cricket in Times Square which then had an animated special directed by Chuck Jones. Both the book and special would have their own sequels with this being the second of an animated trilogy that would later cap off with Yankee Doodle Cricket.

The story for this holiday special revolves around how hectic, noisy, and downright awful New York City is during the holidays, and during the 70s in general. Harry the cat and Tucker the mouse are upset by the horrific hustle and bustle created by people who've obviously forgotten the meaning of Christmas. The duo quickly recap the previous special where they made a friend named Chester the Cricket who was a musical genius that once managed to make New York quiet down and listen for the first time in history. Deciding Chester is the answer the pair set out for Connecticut in order to retrieve their buggy friend. The journey two and fro isn't all that exciting and then the group fails in their plan as the city is simply too loud for Chester to be heard. Eventually the demands of the public exhaust the power grid allowing Chester to play and once again bring peace to New York as people join hands and light the city with candles. Despite having not seen the previous tale this one still stunk of sequelitis. The trio even has a song about how they're going to do this again. There's nothing all that spectacular here, don't come at it expecting a forgotten Grinch level gem, the message is solid enough though. Lord knows many of the best holiday memories are formed in those quiet moments like sitting with a pet and some jolly drink by the light of the Christmas tree. Actually that sounds quite nice. Think I'm gonna get drunk with the cat.

. That's all for this sampling of holiday cheer. Would love to hear some new and old holiday practices from everyone out there, maybe even a hot tip on weird specials and movies. Got a good amount to work on today but n case you though this update was two small, worry not. I've got a special Friday the 13^th update for you all tomorrow. See you then.

Peddlers, Skeletons, and Mood Table 2019

At the end of our the most recent post I mentioned the proposed schedule of upcoming articles feeling assured that each topic would prove worthy of a full article. Under most circumstances that may have been so but then one of the holidays lover most feared events reared its ugly head as a string of lousy luck struck hard and fast making it far more difficult to enjoy the wonders of the season. Naturally this changed the planned arc of upcoming posts to become more of a recovery story and a possible public service for those who also stand a chance of getting slapped by unseen forces. If you’d be so kind I’d ask that you sit back and hear a tale of Halloween peddlers, Skeleton festivals, horrendous luck, and how a mood table and hair metal saved it all.

Let’s set the stage with the lousy luck as it seemingly started on Friday night. Ya know those moments when every tiny thing goes wrong? Maybe you step on something causing you to spill your drink and veer forward to knock something over. Then while cleaning up you find all the cleaners are empty and for some reason the paper towels are in the completely wrong part of the house, oh and maybe something’s on fire too. Take that sort of general funk and stretch it out for days along with the addition of some extra annoying relations to make it extra fun. Then top it all off with a scoop of awful weather. Suffice it to say I could spend the entirety of this article complaining but as I aim to be a relatively positive spot on the internet I’ll try to keep the rage dumps nice and brisk.

The stage being set let’s shift to Saturday as I prepared to head out to Marshall MI to check out a craft/art show called The Bewitching Peddlers of Halloween which coincided with something the town called Skeleton Fest. I got up early enough to ensure a few hours before the peddlers show closed though some unexpected delays left me with a little over an hour to take it in which made the five dollar entry fee sting a little more. Inside was a wide selection of some really high-grade Halloween goodies. We’re talking unique statues, paintings, and all manner of oddities that were often incredibly well-produced and ludicrously overpriced. Now don’t get me wrong, I love me some unique stuff and appreciate that these folks have to deal with fees and travel expenses At the same time I understand that an admittedly pretty painted wood block smaller than the palm of my hand is in no way worth $60. Worse was the occasional elitist vibe coming from some of these vendors. For me Halloween is very much an all-inclusive holiday, particularly as it is based around what you want to be rather than who you are. Too much of what was going on here was like a hoity art-show reserved for the financially well-endowed. While that may be fine for the rich and extra picky it’s sort of terrible for those of us with normal paychecks. I was basically ready to call this place a total bust if not for one both.

Pickled Punks is the creation of a married couple (unsure if the art is from one or both of them) with art prints, t-shirts, and coloring books on sale at human prices. Art-Prints were $15, $20 if framed. As you might imagine this made them very popular and a little difficult to shop with this part of the show floor becoming a choke point. There were a few prints I loved but this event also happened to fall at a point of extra low finances which left me in a bind though a member of my party at least made it so I could bring home a coloring book. What stings is how some of the prints on sale at the booth aren’t available on their website. If you’re lucky enough to come across them at an event I’d advise picking up the ones you want.

The show having been largely disapointing my group moved on to the town proper to see what they had to offer. Not a great deal as it turned out. Skeleton Fest involves putting out skeleton displays for the town to vote on only maybe twenty-percent of the downtown participated in it, not to mention most of these paled in comparison to the light-post displays I’ve seen in Leslie over the past few years. There were a couple of food stalls, and the typical selection of small-town folk musicians. This sort of event would be fine if you already lived there but as a location for a day trip it failed to offer much of interest. A lot of the activity relied on the downtown businesses of which far too many were generic boutiques. That sort of speaks to my impression of the town itself. It’s not really any better or worse than most of the towns around here but they put a lot of cash into making themselves look good no matter how dishonest it might be. Chief evidence is how their biggest store is a beautifully rundown old Big K-Mart. This store was so terrifically bad that it was nearly worth the whole trip. Most important of all is I was able to experience the aroma of K-Mart once again. I’d forgotten that smell but boy did it ever take me back.

So my outing to Marshall offered very little to praise and the remainder of the weekend through Monday continued the trend with personal injuries, a slight bout of feeling terrible, and a battle with decorative lights in eighty-degree weather that nearly had me converting to a different holiday of choice. At one point I found myself staring in awe as a fast food joint took nearly forty minutes to fill a six-item order while Bruce Hornsby sang “that’s just the way it is” over the radio. It was about this point when I began to wonder if a family member had run over an elderly gypsy. The transition to October was fast on its way and I was not having a good time. This wasn’t how I wanted to kick-off the month but then a sliver of salvation came in the form of a mood table.

The creation of Dinosaur Dracula (formerly X-Entertainment), the mood table is a practice I hadn’t really tried until last year as my tendency to overdecorate might leave the ritual feeling redundant. I greatly enjoyed last years attempt which was themed around old VHS rental displays and this time around I took the chance to make two separate tables. The odd thing this time around is that while one of them came together naturally and easily, the other was… we’ll come back to it. Let’s start with the one in my bedroom. I’ve had this four-tier corner shelf for years but this is it’s first chance to be involved with the major holiday lifting with the aid of spider-lights.

The top shelf is place for three totems. One is this awesome ghost carrying a pumpkin that reminds me of the part in Halloween where Michael disguises himself as PJ Soles’ boyfriend. A couple of LED candles and this guy gives off the perfect glow. To the left we have water-rat, so named for his usual placement on the water dispenser. Given that his normal spot has been taken by a new decoration he now serves as a reminder to hydrate with seasonal staples like pumpkin ale, cider, and Voodew. Think of him as the Bacchus of Halloween. On the right we have a skeletal bird… there’s no deeper meaning there, just wanted something birdy. Of special note is the candy-corn colored doily, least I think it counts as a doily, made by my mother. She’s produced a few of these this year and they enhance the vintage nature of any old item tenfold.

Level two belongs to what is likely my favorite Halloween item. The Devil and his friends is practically a mood-table onto itself with tons of character and multi-color changing lights. Flanking this masterpiece are movies on both analog and digital formats with the vastly underrated Fright Night Part II on VHS and the ultimate version of the Japaneses cult-classic Versus on dvd. Horror movies are a major point of any Halloween but I also enjoy giving myself a pat on the back for all these years of collecting by showcasing how wide the genre can be. Plus the stark white and black covers make for a fine duo.

Level three is largely about the written word. I’ve been slacking on reading for most of this year so this portion of the table is almost a challenge to dig back into the stash of classic horror paperbacks. Of course I had to have something from the favorite, Graham Masterton which made Walkers a shoe-in. The Beast Within served as the basis for a favorite horror flick so digging into the novel has been on the to do list for quite some time. Amityville: the Evil Escapes is just plain lovely to look at and the franchise had gotten totally out of hand by this point it should make for some fun reading material. Last up is Torments, the sequel to the award-winning, though supposedly overrated The Manse. Never had the opportunity to read part one though a lot of horror novel hipsters like to badmouth author Lisa Cantrell for whatever reason. I’m just tickled by her two primary works being set on this amazing holiday with great cover art to match. Centered among these tomes of terror are my smallest Godzilla figure and the lovely newborn figure from Alien Resurrection. You don’t want a late-fee when these librarian are involved.

The bottom tier has gone through several variations but the general theme has been gaming. Here we find a lovely old witch and her cartoon ghost minions presenting different forms of spooky gaming from the likes of card games like Vampire to wild horror-tinged videogames along the lines of Bayonetta and Dino Crisis 3. With all the activity this month provides it can be easy for games to get lost in the shuffle. This area serves as a reminder to mix up the fun every so often.

The big table downstairs is another matter entirely. In fact, as of this writing I’m declaring it a failure and will be remaking it post-haste. The key issue is that so much of the work was done during this troublesome weekend when my Halloween spirit was rather low which made the results cross that line from being an actual mood table to just a bunch of stuff piled up with lights. Consider this post to be act one with the following tease for part two.

This is a very large Beistle die-cut witch from 1980 that my mother found at a thrift store in its original packaging for just four bucks. She will remain as the totem of this second table which likely won’t be complete until early next week as it requires a couple items that have yet to be brought home.

There is a lesson to be gleamed from this grab bag of experiences which is the reminder that Halloween always has a hiccup or two. There will always be a lowpoint in our moods, or one event that goes off-rails. The important thing to remember is how much of this holiday revolves around the comforts of home. Sitting in my bedroom at the stroke of midnight with the wailing guitars of Helloween ringing in the month of October I stared at my mood table and felt myself begin to recover from the weird days that had preceded that moment. This speaks to both the wonder of mood tables and the importance of just taking in the moment. It wasn’t an intended theme but the majority of my table, including the shelf itself, came from thrift stores. So while a nice trip out to an expensive event or haunted house can be highlights of the holiday you should never forgot how much joy comes from simple inexpensive pleasures. This is where we cue the "more you know” rainbow.

All the evangelizing out of the way my October is going much more smoothly so far. Still have a wealth of topics to cover for you all, including the other table. The current goal is six updates this month so keep your eyes pealed and please share any misadventures or mood-lifting items of your own.

Campfire Thrillers: Tallow Glee and the Golden Key

At last summer is bidding us farewell. The buggy hot days are shifting ever more towards long cool nights. It's the sort of transition that warms the hearts of us holiday lovers. We're approaching the final four months of the year. The ones scientifically proven to be the best. That being said we still have to deal with the lingering threads of summertime be it the deconstruction of back-to-school aisles or the sounds of the last rodeo. Keeping that change in mind I thought it'd be nice to kick off the Halloween coverage this year with something that straddles the seasons. As luck would have it the thrift store provided just such a topic with one weird, and free, VHS tape from Golden Book Media Productions called Campfire Thrillers. Dunno about you all but I'm down for thirty minutes of summer camp kids hearing spooky stories from a what appears on the cover to be a meth-head with magic powers. Won’t you join me?

As expected this tape begins with a title card reading Campfire Thrillers but then the title switches to Tallow Glee and the Golden Key. Before we have time to accuse Golden Books of a bait and switch we're treated to some nice moody scenery of a camp at night. Owls hoot as the sunset glistens on the waves of a wooded lake, classic stuff. Then the narration starts with some guy thinking back on a special night at camp though he speaks with as much excitement as someone on their sixth drink of the evening. That special night in question was the night he would visit a place somewhere between dreams and reality that would change him forever. In reality it’s just a campsite occupied by a strange man.

Inside a cabin we meet what are presumably going to be our core protagonists. First up is Randy, a blonde lil shit who I'd usually call out as the bully of the picture if the story were so inclined as to include actual conflict. Honestly he’s more of an honorable turd than any sort of threat. Then we have Danny who's obsessed with proving the legend of Tallow Glee to be true. When asked who tallow Glee is Danny responds that everyone knows who he is, the greatest storyteller ever. Obviously not everyone knows that if you're being asked about it. Maybe spend your summer brushing up on deductive reasoning, Danny. Finally we have our narrator, Pete. Poor lil Pete is, for lack of a better word, a bit of a puss. Just the notion of going out into the woods in search of a legendary figure freaks this kid out. Total L 7 weeny right here. He falls in line quickly enough to follow Danny and another kid who can feel something pulling them towards the woods. Randy follows for lack of anything better to do.

Everyone meets at a nearby totem pole including a few girls from what Danny calls “the other camp” (such world building). Everyone works out some National Treasure style puzzle based on following the gaze of the fourth totem mask towards a clearing in settler's woods. Pete tries to duck out since he fears getting in trouble, ugh this kid, until Randy shames him into following along.

After being treated to an exciting montage of children fumbling their way through the woods they at last find the mythical clearing which looks more like a forgotten campsite. Ever the optimist Randy declares this all to be nonsense. Of course religious zealot Danny knows there's a special way to call Tallow Glee. Wouldn't ya know a nearby rock has instructions to hoot at owls and howl at wolves until shazam! Some dude who looks like Moses appears. This guy speaks almost entirely in rhyme and pulls fire from his sack, all vital signs to run in terror. Along with fire he has a magic box that emits a startling amount of smoke. Furthermore Tallow Glee dodges questions like a purebred politician. When asked where he comes from he responds with something like “a place older than time and younger than today.” The shit does that mean? Does it simply sound more mystical than admitting you spent the whole night at Buddy Ray’s Wing Shack off highway 3? The kids switch tactics to asking about the magical smoking box. A girl named Betsy is especially notable for asking “what’s in the box?” with just enough urgency to give me flashbacks to Seven.

Tallow's whole pitch revolves around using a key to open the doors of this magic box in order to experience tales of all kinds. None of the kids are fool enough to volunteer though they are daft enough to join in a ritualistic ceremony as the key magically teleport around them. Guess who gets the honor of story one? Pete the puss is on the case.

At last it's time for our first tale. Things shift here as all of Tallow Glee’s stories are presented via some very crude animation. Glee is also responsible for providing all the voices which hits the highest peak of absurdity whenever he pretends to be a young girl. As for this first tale; it's about two brothers who've recently moved to a house with an accompanying ghost story of a young man who drowned and whose dog disappeared soon after. Quite the coincidence as the brothers adopt a wild dog they name Stranger who my be supernatural in origin. Honestly it's a pretty lite affair that at best would have made for a moderate episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? While there is admittedly some supernatural elements at play I’m not convinced this qualified as a thriller. For making these kids suffer humiliation and the perils of a moonlight forest, Glee is really giving out some lackluster rewards. It seems enough to make Pete stop whining so that's a plus.

Who deserves the second tale? Ah who cares about deserve? Randy demands the next story be something scary so Tallow Glee gives him the next crack at his magic box. This second offering concerns a lonely old cat lady waiting for a birthday call from her daughter. When the phone rings she's shocked to be threatened with a forthcoming visit by a raspy man who calls himself The Viper. The calls continue to escalate until it is revealed that the Viper is actually a small immigrant window washer with a bad accent. The old lady either passes out or suffers a massive infarction for her fear of foreigners. Can’t tell you how many times I heard this tale as a kid so nothing here was a surprise. Randy seems satisfied enough cause it's time for someone else to get a story.

With Pete having already learned his lesson and Randy the dick bullying his way into the spotlight, who will get the third and final tale of the night? One might imagine Danny seeing as he's been an unwavering follower of Tallow Glee this whole time, suffering humiliation, bullying, and getting in trouble with authority figures just to seek this legend. Kid has bled for this. Clearly his slavish devotion should result in him finally being the recipient of a tale. Or maybe will just give it to Betsy… you know, that girl who's had like one line in the whole damn tape. I get it, and I agree, one of the girls deserves a story but Danny's has got to be fuming after Randy got one instead of him. General rule of storytelling is not to set up a long-held obsession for a character only for it to go unfulfilled.

Let's talk about this last tale though. Despite this tape being called Campfire Thrillers, so far there has been much more silly rhymes and pyromania than any distinct thrills. Well it turns out for how unassuming Betsy may be she's clearly done something to earn the most outright grim tale of the bunch. Good on you sister.

This final installment revolves around sisters Veronica and Jessica. They live with their mother and younger brother in a fine harbor town brimming with business. One day some peddlers, cough’ gypsies, come to their home to make a sale yet mom can't afford anything. The peddlers daughter takes an apple from the family tree causing one of the sisters to start yelling at her. Later on the girls spy on the peddlers camp where they discover his daughter has the power to make her toys come alive via a special flute. The sisters offer to do anything for this flute so the peddlers daughter sends them on a series of crude errands like stealing from their mother, or collecting her tears. The final request is to look into a mirror and give up twenty happy years. When the girls return home with their non-functioning magic flute they find their brother is a swole ass man and their mother is a broken spinster haunted by the memory of her children who ran away. The pair is left crying, aged, and forgotten on their porch denied love by their own family. Someone should really tell old Tallow Glee to ramp up his stories more carefully. Guy went from a lighter episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents to Rosemary's Baby in a matter of minutes.

With that third tale Tallow calls it a night. The children wonder when he might return though as usual he responds with more nonsense and riddles. Accepting that their hero is likely wandering off to the nearest Denny’s to load up on carbs and breakfast links the children let it slide. The wise and mystical storytelling bides his audience farewell before walking towards the tress and fading away. With his absence the fire disappears and the kids freak out and split. Personally I’d have preferred the mystery man to fly off into the night sky howling his name, TALLOW GLEEEEEE!!!! With that the kids return to their bunks never to directly speak of this experience to anyone else, much like most who suffer at the hands of a stranger. Oh and narrating old Pete yammers on about how he found courage within himself or some such foolishness.

For as much as I’ve mocked this tape it made for a perfect early mood piece for the season to come. No doubt this is a product of its time, that being the early 1990s when every kid was into supernatural stuff be it Goosebumps books or watching Unsolved Mysteries with the fam. Likewise this was probably the last point in history where a company could produce a tape that encouraged kids to seek out entertainment from a strange drifter. On that front Campfire Thrillers works as a bit of nostalgia whether you saw it back in the day or are encountering it for the first time. What’s more important is that the adventurous nature of such stories makes fine inspiration for those of us planing our Halloween activities. More than any other time of year this is when it’s best to cut loose and look for something new and exciting. For legal purposes I’m not advising you look into a strangers magic box just do something reflective of that same ideal.

And with that our Halloween coverage has officially begun. The original plan was to wait a week or so longer but there's just something in the air this year. The season refuses to be ignored with plentiful amounts of novelties, foodstuffs, and entertainment already finding their ways into the hands of the devoted. As always I'm excited to wave goodbye to the doldrums of summer in order to embrace the best part of the year. We're gonna have tons to talk about on our journey from this night to that Griswold moment when we look up to the skies on October 31^st. I hope you'll all gather round the fire and listen to my whacky tales leading up to the big night.