Cosmicsparky Returns to Talk About Underworld

 

    Another round of big holidays has come and gone and yet another year is in proper swing. In the interim I’ve been a total slouch at blogging. Since last touching base there’s been the usual array of work, holiday clean-up, January projects, oh, and the entire household may have had covid at some point. At the very least we found out well after the fact that we’d been exposed. If it infected any of us it went unnoticed. Don’t take this as downplaying the risks. We’ve all had our shots and thankfully the family luck tends to keep things like that at bay. Outside the house we now know some folks who were taken out by covid and I even had to take on extra work responsibilities for a while as several folks took ill. It may be a new years but, seriously folks, take your damn shots, I can nly handle so many extra shifts.

    Given the amount of time that’s passed it’s only right to do some post holiday wrap-up. Can’t speak for everyone else but around here December felt kinda off. It rarely felt like Christmas so much as extended Thanksgiving. That’s not to say it was bad as there were still plenty of pleasant moments and nifty gifts to go around I just think a number of people weren’t in the spirit and that collective charge that seeps out into the world failed to reach full strength It was the sort of holiday you hard to force a little by taking the right steps in food or entertainment in order to trigger that jolly center of the brain. Oddly enough I felt more festive throughout January. Perhaps the spring holidays will need to be beefed up to balance the scales.

    While the feeling of Christmas wasn’t totally there it didn’t stop this household from doing their damnedest. The advantages of proper employment allowed me to give a better array of gifts. Not to brag but the haul wasn’t half-bad either with most of my hobbies covered. Nearly everything came in threes. Three horror flicks, three tv series, three video games, you get the idea. If I wasn’t already primed for months of activities this certainly made up for any lacking areas.

    Originally the plan was to segway this post into the fittingly post-holiday first season episode of Night court featuring Michael J Fox as a despondent teenager. Problem is I revisited the show about two days before Christmas and have since forgotten all the internal commentary. Still there’s one thing, or rather five that I planed to write about and still maintain enough snark to torment you with; The Underworld franchise.

    Little personal history. Despite being a fiend for all things horror I’ve largely avoided the Underworld flicks. Sure the first two were blockbuster rentals way back when but after not finding either all that thrilling I subsequently ignored the sequels. That is until a fancy new 4k box set came out last fall and I caved to shiny packaging. The whole multi-genre thing combined with plenty of monsters and apt amounts of snow and blue filter made these a perfect project for the Halloween through New Years window anyway. In the process of picking up the series after all these years something of an appreciation started to grow while getting dashed against the rocks a few times as well.

    Let’s go all the way back to 2003, pretty much the center of that time when genre-mixing action flicks were quite the rage. Whether it was Blade, The Matrix, Resident Evil, Riddick, Equilibrium, AVP, Van Helsing, or Sky Captain there was a gap to fill after jingoistic muscleman flicks had been deemed out of style and untimely. If ever there was a time to launch a film series about a skinny British girl in a body-condom who punches monsters, this was it. And what teenage boy wouldn’t be down for hot chicks, guns, and monsters? Apparently this one.

    Before going much further I’d best give the general rundown of how the series functions. Vampires and werewolves, oh sorry, Lycans are real and have been at war under our very noses for centuries. Vamps are ruled over by three elders who take turns being in charge while wolves are far less organized. During the first outing we learn of biological experiments from the lycans based on the two species shared origin from a man whose had a strange reaction to a plague which then split off into the monster bloodlines. A modern day human descendant of that bloodline named Michael is pulled into the conflict where he meets hard-ass vampire deathdealer, Selene. Forbidden love ensues, hybrid monsters are made, and ancient conspiracies unearthed.

    At the time of it’s release I found Underworld’s storytelling to be messy, the world generic and ugly, and the action to be mostly boring. Some of these flaws have actually improved with age. The action, while still sluggish, is kinda refreshing after the waves of choppy editied action that occurred post Bourne movies and the over-choreographed stuff permeating every streaming service today. The blue-filtered eurotrash look now carries a comfy nostalgia. Even the story comes across more sturdy when compared to later cinematic abortions like the Transformers movies. There’s a level of gore, camerawork, and film-craft that didn’t feel like enough at the time but is damn respectable in retrospect.

    Still; there’s plenty of issues with the biggest, one that is wildly tossed at more recent movies, being how it feels less like a full story and more like an ad for other stories that could be. There’s so much in the way of characters and plot points that are only half-realized either on purpose or out of sheer laziness. So many names and past events are dropped in the viewers lap as if they’re a big deal only the audience has no frame of reference to work with. Oh it’s so shocking that this guy I know nothing about has been fake dead all this time, oh and now he’s really dead. Some of this shit outright disappears. Like it always seemed that the blonde vampire, Erika has something more up her sleeve but you’ll never see her again. Characters are wasted and we’re promised that nothing will ever be the same even though we had the most bare-bones explanation of how this world worked in the first place.

    Underworld Evolution came out three years later and this one was closer to how I remembered it. Right out the gate the backstory is made even more convoluted by trimming down the origin of both species as the two sons of Corvinus, one who was a vamp, the other werewolf (but not lycan as we’ll learn later on). The vampire Viktor is one of the elders who has now woken up with some lycan blood in his system, making him a hybrid apparently, and sets out to kill a shitload of regular vampires and free his wolfie bro from captivity because of purity or some such nonesense. Meanwhile we make repeat visits to a batch of new seemingly human characters who aren’t explained until roughly the 50-minute mark.

    If evolution sounds like something of a mess that’s because it is. Editing and action have gone down in quality, character development is nonexistent, geography and proper chronology are often ignored. Character development is at a standstill while more plot points and macgguerns are tossed at the audience. It’s not the worst film in the series though it certainly comes close. Once again things end with the promise that nothing will ever be the same which still means nothing since we don’t even totally know what part of the world we’re in. Seriously it’s just generic Europe at this point.

    For the third outing the series in 2009 the series takes the prequel route with Rise of the Lycans. Multiple dead characters from the first film are brought back and placed front and center in a medieval setting that makes the series feel the closet it’s ever been to Hammer Horror territory. We learn that OG werewolves were never able to shift between their man and beast forms until Lucian, the first Lycan is born. Seeing an opportunity the vampires use Lucian to breed a slave race resuting in a situation best described as Spartacus with monsters.

    This one has a bizarre reputation that fluctuates depending on who you ask between best or worst in the series. Honestly neither is the case. Lycans is plenty entertaining with the whole gladiator meets werewolves vibe and tons of Bill Nighey scenery chewing. The issue here is that there's little to no new information for viewers to ponder. We already knew this story and the added details only make things more messy. When exactly did Lucian go into hiding as supposedly dead is a prime example since he’s fresh off victory at the end of this outing. Little of importance is added to the mythology and as a result we’re treated to a sorta fun movie that manages to jug in place.

    In 2012 audiences were given Underworld Awakening which nowadays would likely be called a soft-reboot. We catch up with Selene only times have drastically changed. Humanity finally got hip to the whole secret history of monsters and set about wiping both species off the planet. During this cleansing both Selene and Michael are captured only for here to wake up years later naked in a cryotube. With the change in circumstances comes a full change to the supporting cast with new allies and enemies abound, the most of important of which is Selene’s daughter Eve.

    Despite the usual array of failings (not limited to a giant CG werewolf) this is probably my personal highlight for the series. For what feels like the first time ever Selene actually has some development as she faces sudden onset motherhood in a more dangerous world where her kind of been driven underground and her lover is M.I.A. Action is vastly improved with far less posturing, there’s a new human character who exists as something other than a love interest, Lycans get more crafty, and we even get treated to the wonderful Charles Dance filling the Bill Nighy void. There’s development on the front of Selene’s super blood that she obtained in Evolution, a decent cliffhanger, and even a funny action-heroine one-liner. It’s not grand cinema but at least it feels like the series wants to be something more by this point. Then we get Blood Wars.

    For whatever reason the fifth entry in any series is usually a dour note. At worst you end up with something like Phantasm Raveger but even a solid part 5 can be overshadowed by the titles surrounding it, think Friday the 13^th Part V for example. Underworld couldn’t escape this trend and the result is Blood Wars which... fuck is this thing awful. There’s just so much wrong here beginning with a limp attempt to ignore the previous entry. Michael has yet to be found, though his fate is revealed later on and is so damn stupid. Eve is shoved off to the side for her own safety. As for humans I guess they just forgot that monsters roam the earth. Characters mention how they’ve been brought low in recent years but everyone’s back to living in big castles or militant railyards and there isn’t a single human character to deal with. Selene’s still got magic blood and knows the new vamps from Awakening but for whatever reason she’s still on the run for the events of the first two films as if anyone would care after humanity cut through the monsters like shit after a church potlock.

    The current crop of Lycans is getting a leg up over the vampires and Selene is brought in to train a new crop of deathdealers. That is of course until yet another conspiracy rears its ugly head forcing her and (checks notes) David to flee northward to hook up with peaceful snowy vamps who meddle in the spirit world. More secret histories are revealed, another super wolf appears, and once again the ending promises that nothing will ever be the same (head slap).

    Blood Wars is just lazy on every front. Action sequences are dull, the story is empty and forgetful, new characters are completely wasted, and the answers to lingering mysteries are head-shakingly bad. Adding insult is how Selene has totally lost her edge. Despite being a killer badass to begin with plus the upgrade she got in part two she’s now weak as a kitten. Girl even gets captured and strapped to a table so someone can rescue her. Mind you this isn’t in the exploitative sense to titillate the audience so much as a lazy way of trying to showcase how dangerous the new villains are. As it stands the series has gone out on a majorly underwhelming note.

    After finally taking in the whole platter I must admit I’ve softened toward Underworld. The 1^st, 3^rd, and 4^th installments are sloppy but entertaining enough while the 2^nd is a kind of a comfy dumpster fire. Blood Wars should be cast out to sea but what are ya gonna do? It’s strange though how many facets of the franchise remain unfulfilled, the biggest being Michael. For being this super hybrid who’s supposed to change everything the guy is basically a supernatural version of John Connor. Each movie tells us he’s a big deal while refusing to showcase how. Currently his daughter is stuck with that same thankless role unless the series totally reboots and forgets everything that transpired over these five films. If Hollywood ever needs it I actually have an idea on how to continue/expand the current story that I’m a bit proud of as the main twist is pretty insensitive.

    I’ve certainly prattled on long enough for today. Been fairly good at making time for all my various pursuits of late yet writing keeps falling behind. No more I say. As it stands there are articles on Ulraman, Candyman, new snacks, and a return to a long-dormant feature all in the works. Look for those all throughout February and beyond.

Happy Halloween Soda Party

 

    Time and tine again it amazes me how much each season can have it’s own mood and tone separate from those of the past. This can radically differ from what we expect as well. Marching into the Halloween season this year I thought it was going to be a massive return to form after the more muted 2020 model. Instead it’s been a mixed bag of developments on that direction alongside lingering difficulties like piss poor supply chains at stores. Admittedly it took me longer than usual to find the best way to take in this Halloween, which is as something of a zen observer. This wasn’t a season to be sucked into or even forced but to be gently prodded and then viewed in comfort.

    Little known tidbit about yours truly but during my media-obsessed youth I took more than few life lessons and viewpoints from favorite flicks like the dirty slacker work-ethic of Tremors. One of my biggest inspirations for how to view life was Ricky from The Burbs, not Corey Feldman himself mind you cause that guy… yeeesh. I always loved the sight of a character who reveled in his simple surroundings, taking entertainment from his immediate surroundings. Rickey is essentially the spirit animal of this season as best illustrated tonight when one of my favorite moments was just sitting in the garage alongside my cat, sipping pumpkin ale, and watching rainfall on my decorations. As an activity it could technically be done any night of the year but when else would the beer be brewed with pumpkins and the yard be filled with giant spiders and gravestones?

    In the spirit of just enjoying the simple things, one of most recent little adventures was a small soda tasting event. The Hitcher was on tv, I turned on some of the wall lanterns and busted out a line-up of various limited flavors for all to try. Like a wine-tasting only somehow less damaging on teeth.

    The first flavor on tap isn’t actually Halloween inspired but it’s new and required assigning a mission to a relative on a road trip. Mtn Dew recently brought out a Food Lion exclusive called Uproar. Being from Michigan I’m not sure I’ve ever even seen a Food Lion so when my sister announced her plans to head to the Carolina's to drop off Ikea furniture I swooped in and bade her bring back as much as possible. Is Uproar worth owing someone thirty bucks? Almost.

    Let’s be fair; Dew is putting out so many flavors in recent years that some of them are actually beginning to blend together in my mind. Scent wise this is one of the all-time best with the Kiwi berry combo smelling just plain awesome. Taste is good but a little hard to pin down as I swear there’s bits of past Dews floating around in there. Neither flavor truly takes over leaving the distinction of simply being really good candy water. But I do mean really good candy water definitely deserving of hoarding for those with access.

    Outside of the stash of Uproar and another 12-pack of Voodew 3 my sister also brought back a bottle of Sheets Pumpkin Pie Soda. Don’t let first impressions matter too much cause this stuff smells like total ass but the flavor ain’t half bad. Think of the crossroads between cream soda and ginger ale and you’ll have a decent idea of what’s going on. It’s both smooth and bitey, just a shame it’s scented like corpse.

    Next up were two bottles I’d picked up nearly a month ago starting with Hanks Caramel Apple Cream Soda. Oh yeah, this was some good shit right here. The scent almost perfectly captures every aspect with proper waves of apple and candy. Taste is mostly on point as well though I wish there was just a little more of that apple pucker to it. If I’d thought of it adding some Dew Thrashed Apple woulda been a fine idea.

    Last up was Hanks Pumpkin Spice Cream soda which I’d feared had the potential to be the worst of the bunch. Turns out it was, just not for the reasons I expected. I’d imagined something with a nasty candle taste but the actual product just tastes like… soda. No particular soda either. Almost like a jumble of leftover flavors from a pop machine. Sheets did a much better job tackling this concept but at least Hanks has that lovely caramel apple.

    Another of those odd moments that only seem to happen this time of year was last week , maybe a Wednesday at 2 AM. I decided it was time to make a pumpkin totem. No doubt you’ve seen a few in your own towns. Somebody takes the classic plastic pumpkin pail, drills a hole in the bottom, and stacks em around a pole wrapped in lights. It’s a pretty low-budget decoration with a decent impact on whatever your display happens to be. It was the feeling of welding power tools to augment candy buckets in the wee hours that really made this special.

    It might seem like I’m a bit melancholy and indeed I am shocked that the big night’s almost here. As with so many seasons there were great surprises and a few missed opportunities. Wasn’t able to keep the blog posted anywhere near as much as I’d planed but I wanted to get at least one more out there for all you fellow Halloweeny folks. Our time is here, to truly revel in a holiday dressed in whimsically grim attire. Go out and enjoy the simple pleasures of this time while you can. Listen to the Maniac Cop rap while heading to micky D’s for a pumpkin cream pie. Take one more after dark stroll through the park. Don’t force it, just nudge it and enjoy the results of this most wonderful time. Thanks to anybody who includes this small space as part of their year and may you all have the happiest of Halloweens.

Halloween Book Sale 2021

 

    One of my favorite aspects of the holidays is how they add just that touch of something extra to otherwise mundane activities. Walks and rides are more soothing when there’s decorations to awe at while shopping becomes an act of discovery with store aisles carrying seasonal surprises. It’s important to harness that energy in order to make each day feel satisfactory. That’s what leads to personal rituals like the Halloween book sale. For most folks it’s just a library book sale but when you make it a purposeful scavenger hunt for horror items it becomes a proper event. Tough this is almost universally ranked among my least read posts each year I still invite you all to come along for the fun.

    If you’re wondering why there’s no post about mood tables, or the planned bookcase, it’s because I haven’t finished em. Part of the issue is just how much has changed around the house. There’s been just enough shifting and moving to create new spaces while eliminating others that I’m sometimes left scratching my head as to what to do. Plus decorating a massive, and slightly incomplete, bookcase is a good deal different than any table. The upside is that I get to work on it little by little, keeping the mood of Halloween alive through creativity rather than simple admiration. All that said I think inspiration may have finally struck tonight.

    Finding decent horror goodies at this sale is always a challenge due to their overall rarity combined with the amount of collectors and flippers out there. This year felt even tougher thanks to the increased floor space as the sale moved to a nearby church. A massive spread meant great eyestrain that further compounded the usual difficulties of this event. Not sure if any of you have ever noticed but there’s this weird phenomenon where a lot of romance novels, mainly the hardcover ones, look like horror titles thanks to vague titles, fancy font, and sometimes Gothic covers. Then there’s the usual array of mystery novels to toss aside. And while it may seem counterproductive, I don’t take every horror item I find. Some get left behind due to not sounding interesting enough plus it only seems fair to leave something behind for other horror hunters.

    Naturally I don’t restrict myself solely to scary stuff though it’s always wise to not go over the top when already months behind on the personal reading list. This sale however had a decent amount of R. A. Salvatore stuff on offer. Had a small share of these years ago and always enjoyed the adventurous tone and boss ass violence the man conveys through his writing. There were more in paperback format but if I was gonna take this chance to rebuild a little Salvatore library then it’s gonna be proper hardcovers. The Legacy and Passage to Dawn are the real highlights here since these copies still fetch new prices online. What stinks is these are the 1^st and 4^th of that particular series meaning there’s some hunting to be done. The Orc King and The Pirate King however are a series or two later in continuity and at least are in order with a lower price point for part 3. Even if you’ve zero interest in Forgotten Realms D&D media these are fun books when you need a spot of adventure which is usually how I feel come November.

    Our first horror item showcases precisely what makes this hunt so fun. Came across this hardcover of Bless The Child by Cathy Cash Spellman. Flipped it over only to see a brief excerpt with folks talking about a cult. Cults are cool, this could be good, then I check the inner flap where the quick explanation something along the lines of such and such is a forty-two year old grandmother. Also she’s about to face off against the devil… only she doesn’t know it yet. Yes!!! Paydirt! Not only does this sound delightful but it took me down a total rabbit hole since it reminded me that there’s a movie that was made by Chuck Russel of Dream Warriors, The Blob, and The Mask fame. Even stranger is that Russel most recently made a Bollywood movie. Chalk that up as a project for next month.

    Way back when I was sampling mystery subscription boxes I received a Cliver Barker Tortured Souls figure. Knew very little about the line but it turns out that when bought brand new each figure came with a little booklet detailing their backstory and role in Barker’s overall lore. Sometime later; all these pamphlets were collected in hardcover form called Tortured Souls: The Legend of Primordia. Not a massive fan of Barker but this seemed interesting enough at first glance and even better is the resale value with this thing frequently fetching forty bucks online. Not bad for a rando one dollar book.

    Came across two paperbacks that are apparently linked written by Sarah Langan. Never heard of Langan before but there’s plenty of praise blurbs from Peter Straub though I’d hope she’s better than his junk. That’s right Straub, I’m calling you out. Also nabbed a dvd of The Innocents. Never seen this thing in full, always kinda feared it to be overrated dribble. Guess I’ll find out real soon.

    Overall a very streamlined and straightforward book sale this time but that’s sort of the point. You’re never sure what’s gonna pop out of those endless rows of books so you make the most of it while maintaining a clear enough head to not go overboard. Left behind some vampire anthology paperback along with some F. Paul Wilson material that was war too far into his massive backlog to likely make much sense. Still a fine small outing for the season.

    In order to drive home the whole idea of little moments making the season so much more let’s add a little unrelated tale from the following night. As much as possible I like to take the moped to work. It’s fun, relaxing, and saves a shit ton of gas. Problem is this has been one swampy ass year in this part of Michigan. While Friday’s ride in was just fine, closing up shop was a whole different story. Getting rained on is perfectly acceptable since a shower is the first thing on the agenda yet upon locking the door and turning around I was treated to a strike of lightning right across as the street, the sound of which rattled and bounced off of nearby buildings. After forcing my skeleton not to jump out of my mouth of anus I got rolling on the moped. The following one and a quarter miles were spent making waves with my feet, cackling to the sounds of some great thunder, and spitting out a bunch of rainwater at every stop sign. Admittedly this all sounds like a massive pain in the ass but it’s in that moment after pulling into the garage where you’re standing their, soaked down to your undies, that you really feel alive. Much like we embrace scary things all season it’s nice to take on a sudden challenge. More so in current times were a lot of what we used to take for granted is still a bit wobbly.

    With a good amount of time to go before the big night I advise any and all of you to find those little things of your own. Maybe it’s a sale, a convention, a town tour, or maybe build up the guts to watch a movie you were always scared of. A wise man once advised peeing into the wind. You all face that wind and let it roar.

September Spree 2021:

 

    If you’ve spent any amount of time around this blog you’ll no doubt have noticed a trend towards traditions. Be it the usage of Helloween to usher in October or the Thanksgiving cinematic turkey, I simply can’t help myself from adopting different annual practices. One of the oddest ones to worm its way into my life in recent years is the September spree, an annual outing of extreme commercial avarice. The general rule has been that there is no set date for this practice. I just get up one day in September, decide to go shopping, and bring back a larger than average amount of stuff. Only this year I actually had to set a date and naturally worried if planning for the spree would upset the balance of nature. Turns out those fears were unfounded Despite a few hurdles, or possibly because of them, the deeper meaning of this odd tradition made itself known.

    Starting off the adventure we headed to Home Depot which had reportedly gone all-out on some kickass decorations this year though the one I visited apparently didn’t get the memo. It seemed like this wasn’t just them selling out as they obviously hadn’t cleared out much space for anything and were carrying a pittance of what the company had on offer. First stop ended up as a total bust but not enough to discourage the spirit of materialism.

    Thankfully this same plaza was home to Ollie’s Bargain Outlet. If you’ve never made a visit to any of their stores just combine a bit of hazy childhood memories with nightmares, sadness, and a nifty element of surprise. Like the stores are sorta beat down and depressing but you can find such awesome shit at dirt cheap prices it feels like going to a weirdo toy store. I walked outta there with multiple board games and a marvel omnibus for just over 40 bucks.

    Next up was Target where things were messy to say the least. On the one hand it was easy to find nice little items like candy and coffee but the Halloween section was something of a desert. Found a couple of goodies like this years craft pumpkin, yet another tradition, and a nicely made groundbreaking skeleton, but a lot of heavy hitters and essentials were absolutely awol. This is something of a theme this season thanks to a two-pronged event. On one end there’s a whole lotta people who want to get back into Halloween big time after trimming back in 2020 and are buying up everything in sight. At the same time some of these stores, like my local dollar tree, based their orders off of last years sales which is an astoundingly bad way to do business. Combine trimmed orders with increased demand and the result are barren aisles.

    The nearest Spirit store had some alright stuff just not the one thing I would buy without any concern for price. Menards basically hadn’t added anything new since August, Lowe’s was down to broken display models for some of their items, though there were some nice battery op torices. Michael's appeared to have been besieged by the tazmanian devil though they at least promised to be restocked down the line. Yet even with these lackluster showings I still managed to find a decent selection of items

    Ending our journey were two grocery stops where a plethora of seasonal items were nabbed up. While the primary reason for visiting Kroger was the new Thrashed Apple Mtn Dew it oddly served as the location for buying new string lights. Local hotspot, Horrocks served as the spot to stock up on pumpkin ale along with Halloween Gummi Worms and Pumpkin Spice Malt Balls. On the ale front Sam Adams Jack-O is probably the front-runner so far this year. That could easily change once if Southern Tier finally shows up.

    As you can tell we managed to bring home a lot of goodies, even if they weren’t the ones I planed on getting, and in the process spent far less than I imagined. That’s where the beauty of this event started to shine through. We often get so bogged down and complacent by having shopping constantly at our fingertips that we forget the real hunt of just going hog-wiled. The point of the spree isn’t to spend a ton, though that is a possibility. The point is to get out there and shop like it’s the 20^th century. Hit up so many stores your feet ache. Search high and low to see what’s out there. Give those items you’ve often passed over a shot at the limelight. The September spree isn’t so much about buying a shitload so much as acting like you’re going too, and rewarding the stores that make living large an actual possibility.

    Obviously your mileage for something like the September spree could be far less than mine. No doubt many of you did such crazy things as having kids or getting married which ties up some funds. Do yourself a favor though and take some of your fun cash and just go on a big ole shopping tour with it. You’ll likely still have some at the end of the day along with something you never expected. That’s the sort of surprise that makes life a bit more fun.

    For those interested I’ll try to recreate the full list of goodies: Deadpool Minibus 2, Campaign Manager 2008, Keyforge Age of Acension Starter, teal craft pumpkin, groundbreaking skeleton, pumpkin love coffee, candies, cloth folding coffin, more candy, beetle decoration, Pumpkin Spice Maltballs, upwards of 16 bottles of pumpkin ale, gorgonzola cheese, string lights, pumpkin torches, Mtn Dew, Cookies, Dove chocolate, and a reminder to pace myself on all that sugar. Consider this along with past September posts as an example f what can happen when you just let yourself shop freely.

    That’s enough commercialism for tonight. Next time I’ll bring you guys something a bit more wholesome and down to Earth. Right now I’m stuck indoors with the pounding of rain as a constant companion. Guess it’s time to dig out more decorations and start planning this years mood fixture. Gonna leave tables behind this year so keep an eye out for that. Hope you’re all adventuring and finding new ways to inspire that spooky spirit.

Abandoned Stores and Super Furniture

 

    The following tale is true. Only the names and places have been altered or omitted to… basically just not to piss off any algorithms. The events you’re about to read relate directly to my recent inability to keep this place updated in a timely manner. In fact; the finishing touches of this post mark the first time I’ve been able to sit down and write in weeks. For roughly three months now I’ve been back in the working world at a game store learning the ins and outs of inputting stock, running events, managing orders, daily sales, cleaning, and helping to set up the new secondary location. See my boss managed to nab himself a unit in a still lively mall and so I occasionally spent an extra day of work helping him get that location into fighting shape. The first of such days involved a furniture hunt in the strangest of places.

    During the past couple decades a number of mall anchor store chains have gone belly-up. You know the sort of place I’m talking about. High-priced department stores with perfume counters and the worst hits of Celene Dion playing over the radio. When those places close down there’s usually group that works on selling off the remaining display racks, tables, even some of the electronics. In this case the group that had done the final sell-off never finished and are apparently never coming back. The mall in question wants this unit as empty as possible for future development so new stores are encouraged to scavenge whatever they want so long as they do most of it during off hours. Thus a few weeks ago I along with several others set off into the dark, dank recesses of forgotten capitalism.

    If you’ve never been inside a mall before it opens I highly recommend the experience. There’s a weird sense of comfort from strolling the vast halls before they fill with people and noise. It’s almost like a little world made just for you. Plus, unlike early morning walks outside, there’s a low chance of encountering wildlife. Of course that’s the properly lit main section I’m talking about. The empty anchor store was another matter entirely. Imagine a vast cold space that manages to have infinite dark corners and mysteries to send the mind into overdrive. Oh and poop… yea, we found some poop in the break room. Easily the most unsettling aspect of the store was the freight elevator. Ya know the kind where you hear things moving and shaking just by taking one step inside? Suffice to say after our first ride we switched to send the furniture down and then using the stairs. Of course said stairs only had lights at the top which meant each trip involved a descent into a black abyss with the only source of color being a wall filled with farewell messages from the former store staff.

By all means, please go first.

      If there’s one sensation from this outing that will stick with me it’s the odd mix of empowerment/semi-embarrassment felt when rolling a several a hundred pound display shelf from one end of the mall to the other while people shoot confused looks, though this did provide ample opportunity to swing by the fine ladies at the pretzel hut. Still; if you’re the sort that hates being the center of attention I can imagine this being a form of corporal punishment.

    By this point you’re likely wondering if there’s any sort of point to my ramblings and here it comes. Remember how eager the mall was to empty out the anchor store? Well that meant it was totally feasible to take out stuff that wasn’t necessarily meant for the store. While we hoisted and rolled out different displays I kept my peepers open for something that would come in handy at home, pending it could actually make the journey. For the most part this side-mission felt doomed. Turns out store furniture is heavy as all hell with some pieces having crazy measurements to boot. There were also a few items where I couldn’t fathom how it could ever be useful. Near the end of our quest I’d almost given up on lofty dreams of super furniture… but then I saw it. A light shone down from the heavens upon a lonely item, the last of its kind, a triple-layered Levi’s display table.

    I can hear you shrugging across time and space. Surely you must be wondering what is so damn special about branded jeans display table. Well here’s your answer. As a gamer I’ve struggled with a two-front problem. One is board game storage, with the other being a proper play space. I made progress on the storage front a few years back via a sturdy shelf but in this display I could see both needs met at once. At least that’s how it seemed since I lacked a direct way to fully plan out how it might work. Given that this was a now or never sort of situation I dragged this monster back to the store where it sat for a few weeks before I could return to disassemble and move it back home.

    Bringing the table home commenced weeks of a different tasks piling up. Everything from ikea runs, slatboard installation at the store (which occurred after hours providing a totally different mall experience), sorting, cleaning, working, bookkeeping, getting a new dog, birthdays, helping people move, on and on. Now it’s finally starting to level off and I have time to live again. What this means is that this is but part one of our tale as the table’s arrival set-off the long overdue clean-up of our basement. As it stands I’ve pieced together eleven pieces of furniture in just over a week with one more to go and others potentially on the way. Yes this is sorta losing the point, it’s hard to elaborate on the feeling of abandoned mall scouring a month after the fact, but know that I’m back, I’m free, and I now have the greatest gaming accessory known to man. Behold!

    Clocking in at the weight of a small moon, this triple tiered terror houses a massive selection of gaming goodness with plenty of play space. The huge boards of Formula D barely make a dent on this 3 by 5 behemoth while leaving room for a printer and photo-scanner. Plus cats love the damn thing. They climb behind the games or hop up top to cool their bellies on the smooth top. We couldn’t resist taking one of the old dvd shelves from another project and using it as a side area for cards and small games. Sure I’ve been half-crippled from project like this but the results are just sheer beauty.

    As I’ve noted this is just the start of our tale. All this home improvement is the perfect excuse for some posts about books, games (both video and tabletop), along with a small sojourn that resulted in the first Halloween decorations for the year, oh and German food. Basically after a month that almost felt like a year I’m back and there’s plenty to talk about. And yes, if you couldn’t tell, this post itself has mutated multiple times since I started writing it. Still; it feels outstanding to be back and I hope you’ll stick around as I whip the site back into shape while we slowly ease outta summer and into the best months of the year. For now just watch this space for either a snack report, event report, or aimless ramblings about book collecting. See you all soon.

CosmicSparky Returns to Adventuring

 

After a seeming eternity of safety-measures and putting off outings for later the cementing of vaccines has finally allowed for a return to small adventures. Yes, yes, yous truly is able to venture forth and seek out the weird wonders of mid-Michigan and thanks to the new job I actually have the cash to back it up. From the earliest days of the pandemic my first goal was to return to my beloved thrift and antique holes where shopping is unpredictable and often a bit smelly. Technically I made my triumphant return last weekend via some local joints and managed to bring little home besides a few odd card games. It managed to feel like a step in the right direction yet wasn’t quite enough to rejuvenate the spirit of the hunt. After another week it was time to set out to a neighboring town to revisit some antique stores we’d hit back in the summer of 2019 which, by my calculations, was about about eight years ago. While it wasn’t everything envisioned during those homebound days it still managed to be a worthy outing for a weekend afternoon.

So the plan to kickoff returning to old junk stores was a visit to Nashville, the Michigan version, a sleepy lil burg with two decent antique markets. The main reason I’d wanted to return here was that 66 Unique Antiques had an upstairs corner filled to the brim with old records and comics where I discovered the wonders of Japanese metal band, Loudness. Suffice to say I marched upstairs and straight to that corner upon entering the building only to find bupkis… a new booth under construction with nary a sign of record or comic to be found. Using breathing techniques to steady myself I though perhaps the vendor simply changed booths, downsized, or something to that effect and commenced a total search of the store.

Eventually I learned that the legendary corner was actually stock the building owners had purchased from closed stores and the two main chunks had been bought out last fall. Ordinarily this would have cast a major cloud over the day had I not found a few lovely picks during the search. With a half-hour to spare before both places closed up I headed across the street to boardroom antiques where I nabbed one more goody and asked about a major piece of memorabilia. This old KB Toys sign was there the last time I’d visited and boy does it ever bring back some good vibes. I’ve always had lousy teeth which back when I was kid meant at least a few times a year I’d have to get some fillings. Afterward I was almost assured a visit to the Lansing Mall for Sabarro pizza and some KB shopping. Just looking at this formed plastic brings back sensations of a sore mouth, pepperoni pizza, and the sights of various mechanical toys bumping around on a walled display table. I had to ask what the asking price could be. The quote was around $250, a bit to high for me currently though I’m considering a return somewhere down the road. Of course if any of you would like to get there first and save me from myself that’s fine.

What about the days haul then? One of the first areas of note had a bevy of late-80s/early-90s comics on hand. You’ll note I picked up a few from Marvel’s failed New Universe line. These titles were long gone before my initial experience with comics and had a small failed reboot a little after I returned to the medium in the mid-aughts. The idea was a comic world that veered closer to reality with regular people suddenly being changed by something called the “white event” which granted more scientifically plausible abilities than traditional comics were known for. In recent years I’ve really wanted to dig into these obscure characters and there was a decent offering on hand at this booth. Sadly some of the others where a good deal more expensive or in the middle of their respective series but I was more than happy to march off with the first issue of Kickers Inc. John Byrne’s run on Namor is a title whose Omnibus has been tempting for a while so this issues offers a chance to get a sneak peak at whether the big tome is worth it. Punisher: The Prize just looked like a good read and Hawkworld was a pretty major overhaul for Hawkman that, like many classics DC titles, has a spotty record for collected editions.

On the record front I managed to find a vendor who tried to offer a balance of good condition items at sensible pricing. On hand was a copy of More Chad & Jeremy, a duo firmly set within the framework of Beatles and Monkees era tunes, and music from Miami Vice which offers a nice combo of material made for and licensed by the series. Over at Boardroom I got the best of Hank Williams marking I believe only my second country album in the collection. Admittedly I dispose modern upbeat country only opening my saloon doors for this classic sad-sack stuff. Among the highlights are “Why Don’t You Love Me” and one I’d never heard called “Kaw-liga” about a wooden cigar store Indian who can’t express his feelings. It’s a bit odd and more than a little culturally insensitive.

Bringing home some tunes and reading material was totally expected, what wasn’t was a glass case display of old NES titles near the check-out. While fairly small the selection of titles had plenty to offer be it action, puzzle, etc. Some like Ninja Gaiden II were just simply cost more than I was willing to give into while many of the others didn’t have much in the way of personal meaning, until I found a big one. Dragon Warrior, a game that stood alongside Final Fantasy in our cartridge collection as something my young, illiterate mind couldn't play. I certainly gave the old college try but it would be years before I finally dove headfirst into the world of JRPGs. There’s a lot of memories tied up with this cart be it watching my brothers tackle the game for real, my own meager attempts at battling slimes, or simply admiring the boss ass artwork. Once I clean this copy up it’ll serve as a reminder of how those early days resulted in modern traditions like tackling a Final Fantasy, Tales of, and Ys every year.

There was an unexpected addition to the trip in that we wove our way back through the dirt back-roads of, I believe, Mennonite country, emerging just in time to visit a place called Sunset Acres Bakery which has been around for a few years but is just outside of our usual travel routes. These ladies were stocked up on some crazy treats like sugar cookies that seem closer to personal pan sized cakes or giant rice crispy treat rolls with chocolate swirls. It feels odd to purchase something this indulgent from a bunch of repressive religious zealots but maybe this is how they vent sinful urges. Overall I enjoyed most of this stuff with their peanut butter cookies being the real winners.

So that was a tiny adventure that may just result in some extra post material down the line. It felt so good to finally get out there and feel secure enough to linger and shop properly. Now it’s time to prepare for a few more days trips like finally seeing my college. Seriously… I graduated from a school I’ve never seen. For tonight however I am content to relax and unwind before another work week unfolds. Feel free to share any thoughts on the haul or tips for nice weird stores to visit.

Snack Report: April 2021

 

    Hippity Hoppity, Easter came and went. Honestly the holiday barely registered this year with the past week having far more notable developments that have led to half-a-dozen rewrites of this intro. We put down a very old and sickly dog, no need for condolences as it was more than time to send him on. Plus on my personal front I managed to get my first Maderna shot and start a new job in, looks at watch, like sixteen hours. Even so any man with a love for ridiculous food appreciates the wave ff candy and promise of pig portions that pervade early Spring. And since food is such a part of this supposedly holy time why not dive into a brand new snack report? Full disclosure; there’s very little in the way of actual holiday stuff so much as it’s new Spring crap along with a few stragglers.

Dunkin Donut Mocha Latte Cereal

    The line-up of Dunkin Donuts cereals came out many months ago and I’ve had ample opportunity to bring them all home. Timing was always an issue however as it’s tough to rationalize buying these when my cart already 2 or 3 other limited cereals. At last the star aligned and I finally brought some home resulting in the discovery of one of the most pleasant surprises in the cereal aisle. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves though.

    I often complain about the tendency for ceral packaging to be clean, blind, and pretty much lifeless. Whoever designed the packaging for these Dunkin cereals found a way to turn that clean ultra-modern aesthetic into a plus. Not only do the fronts look somewhat like a coffee bag but these might have the best side-art I’ve ever seen an a breakfast item.

    Cracking it open unleashes a very strong scent, you can smell a bowl from across a room. It’s very mocha-ish with a hint of chocolate and by god is that ever a great set-up for the flavor. So many companies have failed at coffee themed cereals but this has enough sweetness and chocolaty undertones with a great texture that it feels like an improvement on Cocoa-Puffs. It looks good, smells strong, and tastes great. Awesome cereal worthy of at least a 4.5 out of 5.

Dunkin Donuts Caramel Machiatto Ceral

    It’s a sad truth for us some of us to deal with but, to my knowledge at least, there has never been a truly awesome caramel cereal. This other Dunkin cereal is indeed fighting that uphill battle yet fails to accomplish as much as its sibling. I’m gonna cut to the chase and say it’s not a horrible cereal just a very troubled one.

    On the plus side this shares many of the same qualities as the Mocha version from good packaging to decent texture. The problem is solely in the flavor department where by taking the machiato approach everything from scent to taste all has this weird burnt tinge to it. It’s like someone overcooked your cereal which is such a weird thing to experience. I’ve still been able to take on a few bowls thanks to the general quality of this brand but I won’t be returning to this one again as it just isn’t good enough. Maybe a 2.5 outta 5.

Krave Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cereal

    Holy shit this stuff is awesome. Oh wait, spoiler alert! Holy Shit this stuff is awesome. Let’s be honest here. Krave is probably the best product line to hit the breakfast aisle in the last decade, stuff’s pretty much bachelor chow made real. This newest limited edition flavor is modeled on chocolate chip cookie dough and man does it ever fill a hole.

    Us oldies routinely whine about the days when Cookie Crisp was actually good. It’s tough to pinpoint whether that was ever really the case or if everyone of a certain age simply has some massive nostalgia goggles going on. For me though this version of Krave reminds me of what I thought Cookie Crisp was like and for that it earns a perfect 5 out of 5.

Pillsbury Peaches and Cream Cinnamon Rolls

    A returning item from last spring, where it was lost in the haze of early pandemic shopping, is here to try and gain an audience. Can’t tell ya how stoked I was for these things. Peaches and Blueberries are my absolute downfall when it comes to fruit flavors so combining just one of them with sweat baked goods was bound to get me revved up.

    First off the presentation is pretty solid. The package is undeniably springy though I wish the peach flavored cream was just a bit more obnoxiously colored. Taste wise these are just ok. There’s an underlining peach element, no doubt about it, but there’s just not enough to truly make it pop. This is only further compounded when you consider that Pilsbury is often just across the store from far better cinnamon rolls. Not bad but a little disappointing. Let’s say a 3 out of 5 for effort.

Peeps Cereal

    While nowhere near a new item Peeps cereal has managed to elude me for the past couple years. In 2019 it vanished from local shelves in like a day while early 2020 provided little chance for proper snack hunting. After all this time there was nothing even close to expectations since I was just relieved to finally plop a box into my cart.

    I’m aware there’s a large contingent of folks who hate Peeps marshmallows. I call these people sad lonely husks and maybe you’re one of them. The good news for you is that this cereal is hardly an accurate translation of the candy you hate so much. You might think that would piss me off but for what it lacks in proper Peep flavor it makes up for by tasting like a very good vanilla cake. There’s just something about whatever grain mixture they use that when combined with marshmallow flavor that adds up to cake. The only thing close to normal Peeps is the aftertaste though even that isn’t all that powerful. It may be mismarketed but it’s a decent cereal. Gonna be a bit generous and say 3 ¼ outta 5.

Rise Strawberry Melon Energy

    For well over a decade Mtn Dew has had, let’s not say a problem, but at least an obsession with the energy drink market. At the same time so few of their attempts make much of an impression on me since it’s almost an inevitability that Monster or Rockstar will have something better on hand. You gotta admire their persistence though cause Dew is back at it with their new line of Rise energy drinks. There’s currently five or six flavors out there but I opted to start with Strawberry Melon as melons are a sadly overlooked flavor in American sodas.

    Gotta give Dew some points for the packaging. Dunno what the fruity colored Lion King emblem is all about but it’s noticeable from afar and the colors are eye-catching. Both the smell and taste seemed remarkably lite. That’s because I didn’t know they were aiming for the low-sugar energy market with a whole can containing just 4 grams of sugar. This exact flavor however comes up middle of the road since there’s not enough of any one thing to really make it unique. It’s clean enough, doesn’t cause a sugar crash, just doesn’t have enough flavor or refreshing quality to stay with you. I’m giving this one a 2.5 out of 5 with a note that other flavors could obviously fare better.

Moa Burger Pringles

    If there’s one thing I’ve actually loved about the past year it’s the awkwardness of poorly timed tie-in products. Remember way back in May when Wonder Woman was all-over bags of Dorittos? This newest wrinkle in time was meant to launch with the newest Halo game only it, like so many Xbox games, only exists in theory. OK I’m being cute but still it’s weird to see Halo chips when there hasn’t been a new game in how long? Plus the Moa Burger is a deep-enough cut that I’d completely lapsed on it. Even with such temporal tomfoolery the most interesting thing about this is the convoluted concept of taking a fictional burger and translating it into a real chip.

    Before we talk about the flavor I’ve gotta get after the Pringles packaging department for just a moment. While they did include the Halo logo and pictures of the Emu-like Moa the packaging is nowhere near sci-fi enough. The result is far too many people thinking this is a legitimate food item and asking what the fuck a Moa burger is, prompting me to explain a pop-cultural reference I barely understand to begin with.

    So how do they taste though? Peppery, very peppery. Sorta makes me think of what would happen if you topped an ostrich burger with spicy guacamole. I think Pringles made a mistake by making these ruffled however since they’re a bit too dry. Their regular approach would leave some more grease that would probably give this a nice summertime grill flavor. Not sure wat to give em as they’re somewhere between 2.5 and 3 out of five depending on your personal love for pepper heavy chips.

Kool-aid Topical Punch Cotton Candy

    No idea how long Kool-aid has had their own cotton candy but I found this bag among an assortment of dollar store Easter goodies and man what a pick up. Think of the best cotton candy you’ve had, roll it around in Kool-aid powder, and ta-da! Instant magic. As a lifelong cotton candy maniac the only thing that bothers me about this stuff is that there’s apparently only this tropical punch flavor. Just imagine how well this could work combined with the likes of Sharkleberry Fin!

    Already over the moon for this fluffy cloud of diabetes I found another reason to marvel when returning days later for another handful. Unlike most cotton candy this had neither shrunk down nor crystallized. It was just as fresh as was upon first opening the bag. Continuing to scarf down the sugary fluff I wonder who could possibly be responsible for such a majestic creation. While the item is credited to Hilco and Candyriffic, the same groups responsible for Kool-aid popping candy but the real thing to note is this is made in Mexico. Dunno what you guys are doing south of the boarder but keep it up. 4.5 out of 5.

Reese’s Marshmallow Top Peanut Butter Cups

    Always reliable for something festive, Reese’s decided to launch a whole new variety this Easter that brought the wonders of marshmallows to the mix. Seeing as this is normal a great combo what could possibly go wrong? Well the problem is the “marshmallow top” tastes more like white fudge or the stuff used on yogurt pretzels more than it does Marshmallows. That total disconnect between concept and execution leads to a candy that’s ok-ish but pales in comparison to even it’s basic brethren. Reese’s failed us this time guy but it’s still alright tasting so it at least deserves a 2.5 out of 5.

    Oh my god I finally finished this post. This has been one of the most notable and strange weeks in recent memory and now I’m looking at the prospect of actual work again. Granted it’s very much part time so I should be able to stay true to my goals for the blog this year. If you’ll allow me to forgo a spiffy outro then I’d much prefer to get this edited, posted, all to make room for what comes next.