The Road to Onslaught: First Sign Part 2

 

    Over the years of writing this blog there’s a few posts and series that stand out as favorites,s almost embodiment of why I do this to begin with. One such cherished time was way back in 2015-2016 when I covered the delightfully silly, and often confounding Marvel Comic’s saga known as The Crossing. This particular event proved very controversial in its own time and was eventually retooled within continuity and goes largely unmentioned. Honestly it makes sense as the whole thing reeks of edgy 1990’s attempts at making things more cool and marketable such as replacing Tony Stark, who turns into a murderous villain, with a time-displaced teen-aged version of himself, or turning the wasp into an actual giant bug lady. It was sloppy, inconsistent, full of holes, and an absolute blast to review.

    Truth is, The Crossing was always preamble for me, a stepping stone towards something greater. Problem was a lack of resources and the grim realities of product availability made moving on to that bigger fish a non-starter. Since the early 2000’s I’ve wanted to read another hated Marvel crossover event, one that rivals the crossing in size and scope. Of course I speak of Onslaught.

    When I lest touched on this topic was midways through a collection called First Sign which held together the main threads of Avengers, Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America as they transitioned from one massive event to the next. It wa right in the midst of that when I realized there was no reasonable way for me to continue on to Onslaught, even worse if I wanted to delve further into the Heroes Reborn era. And so the recurring series drifted away. As a strange man once said, life… finds a way, and as I’m writing this the complete Onslaught is likely a day from reaching my doorstep. If there’s ever been a time to pick up that torch and get back on the march now is it.

    So where were we? While I’d advise those with the time to go back through all the old posts I realize few of us have such luxuries. In the meantime I’ll fall back on my recap from the original First Sign posting. “Tony Stark turned out to be a toady for time-traveling villains. He killed a few people and eventually sacrificed himself in a last ditch effort at redemption, leaving his time-displaced teenage self to pick up the pieces. Another villain, Madam Masque seemed to turn over a new lief and joined the Avengers while Wasp was actually transformed into a bug-person because we all remember how big kids were into the works of Cronenberg in the 90's, right? In other books at the time Captain America returned from some situation that caused people to think he was dead, Thor lost all his godly powers, and west coast team, Force Works disbanded.” Might as well throw in the addition that War Machine also finished a strange period in which he donned an alien armor called Eidolon War Ware.

    As for the First Sign era there were a combination of odd elements like Sharon Carter returning from the dead, Thor losing his godly powers followed by him hooking up with Enchantress. And young Tony Stark starting college where he discovered one of his teachers to be his former flame all grown up. it should be noted that this isn’t the entire story leading into Onslaught. There’s actually a number of issues of various X-Men books leading up to this event as well which are covered in multiple paperbacks. My hope is they one day collect all of that into a giant omni so we can return to this era again down the line. All that preamble outta the way I think we can finally dive back into this ponderous period in comics history.

Avengers #397

    If ever there was a comic that embodied the essence of spring cleaning it would be Avengers #397. This is nothing more than arranging pieces, and rushing the completion of different plot threads. Some of it picks up with Hawkeye and Scarlet Witch playing survivalist in the Grand Canyon against a bunch of rabid army thugs. Another segment involves the aftermath of a battle between Hulk and Thor that resulted in the latter getting his godly powers back. Big blondy along with a gaggle of Avengers pick up some green people from an underground society before going globe-trotting to intercept bio-bombs or some such silliness.

    Boy I’d love to provide some witty commentary on this one but yikes, what a snoozer. Each plot is dumped by issues end, confirming it all as a sloppy ruse to get the band together. What an odd assortment it is too. Most of the assembled crew are classic avengers just in lesser variations. Wasp is still a giant bug lady, Thor is in full shirtless 90s mode, and the writers seem to have zero clue what to do with Vision. The specialty members are less than inspiring. On one end you’ve got Swordsman who barely makes his presence known. Then there’s Madam Masque, who I believe was later rewritten as not being Madam Masque (like a clone or something). Hercules and Deathcry are around here somewhere but don’t you fret, they’ll soon be forgotten. At least this thing wraps up all this fluff in a single issue so we can move on to something else.

    There are two elements that got me back in the spirit of my old Crossing reviews, the combo of wildly over-the-top facial expressions and ass shots. Neither phenomenon is strictly bound to this time-period but man was this ever an era in which both features hit with full force.

Iron Man #327

    Now this is more like it. Can’t hide that I am eternally fascinated by the blip of time that was teen Tony’s tenure. This issue showcases the trouble the editorial staff had in committing to this new version of the lead character via a disconnect between his new adventures and the old supporting cast which is beautifully illustrated by the opening of this issue.

    Our story kicks off with the reading of old Tony’s will. All his support crew are in attendance from Rhody to Pepper, and most interestingly, Bethany Cabe who disappeared during the Crossing a seeming victim of foul play. But nah, everything’s fine folks. Unaware of the ghost at their table and incapable of acknowledging the familiar teenager in the corner several folks are tasked with leading Stark Enterprises into the future. There’s also a mysterious figure watching this all through a video feed. Given the track record of these comics I fully expect this shadowy conspirator to never resurface.

    Across town a lingering issue from the zodiac attack that left New York powerless is being dealt with. A medical center that specialized in cryogenic freezing finds the outage resulted in the death of most of their customers. The founder however is doing more than fine in his special chamber that siphoned power from surrounding chambers. It’s not long before we meet Frostbite, the first of, many only of, Teen Tony’s new enemies. It only makes sense to give the kid a new assortment of villains since old Tony sorta got the short straw on that front. And wouldn’t ya know this guy has a personal connection as the husband of Tony’s former love, now college professor, Meredith.

    After the will reading, Tont decides that it is totally appropriate to visit his new professors home to announce that he didn’t ditch he all those years ago. He simply got pulled into a tragic future wherein he was nearly murdered by his older self and now he’s her student who still has the hots for her. Mercifully the young lad us saved complete embarrassment by the introduction of Meredith's husband, Frostbite, who quickly puts a chill on the young avenger. I feel no shame in that pun since these issues are full of far worse.

Iron Man 328

    The next issue kicks of right where we left off with… oh wait. Frostbite and the lady are outside while Tony’s back at Avengers mansion doing just fine, the fuck? Much as I’d like to do a bit where I shout like an old man about “the old days when cliffhangers mattered,” such thinking doesn’t really apply to twenty-five year old comic books.

    Most of this issue exists to promote the new iron man suit which is… different to say the least. Alright it’s straight out ugly. The core concept isn’t so bad but the abnormal proportions really throw things off. From a characterization standpoint it’s weird that the suit doesn’t look a wee more retro seeing as Teen Tony is from a different time and doesn’t have as vast a wealth as his adult self. Overall the suit is ok so long as they avoid nightmarish panels with his eyes.

God, kill it with Fire!

    Meanwhile the Japanese have arrived attempting to buy out Stark Enterprises and Tony decides he’s growing to start fresh by living at college, trying to become his own man. There’s a whole conversation about whether he’s destined to become an easily addicted man-child but such soul-searching is quickly set aside for fine college ladies. Way to go, youngblood.

Avengers #398

    If the previous issue of Avenger was equivalent to house-cleaning, this one is an awkward rainy Saturday. Plot thread one concerns Hercules and Deathcry making googly eyes at each-other while heading to the moon to check out some package left near the old Inhuman home-base. They end up kidnapped by some Shi’ar types and honestly I can’t recall if this story ever receives a proper wrap up. I do know both of them sorta vanish for a little while.

    Back at Avengers HQ, Black Widow is being real cagey about Madam Masque being on the team. Wasp discovers her husband implanted some sort of tracking device in her neck. All the while Quicksilver makes a couples dinner for himself, Crystal, Wanda, and Vision. His plans are thrown on their head by the unwelcome mention of his possible future son, Tuc (god, how did I forget about that goldmine) and a sudden violent attack by vision. Said attack is linked to several disappearances by a weird robo-critter that’s infiltrated the mansion. Will this be a cliffhanger that actually sticks? Find out next time.

    Seriously though, this is gonna be a prime feature for the next couple months as it’s an opportunity I’ve waited years for. Still gonna do other items like Ultraman series reviews and good god am I ever behind on snack reports. Post nights are either going to be Mondays or Thursdays depending on factors. I hope to have this first sign stuff wrapped real quick so we can get into the real meat of Onslaught. See you soon.

CosmicSparky Returns to Adventuring

 

After a seeming eternity of safety-measures and putting off outings for later the cementing of vaccines has finally allowed for a return to small adventures. Yes, yes, yous truly is able to venture forth and seek out the weird wonders of mid-Michigan and thanks to the new job I actually have the cash to back it up. From the earliest days of the pandemic my first goal was to return to my beloved thrift and antique holes where shopping is unpredictable and often a bit smelly. Technically I made my triumphant return last weekend via some local joints and managed to bring little home besides a few odd card games. It managed to feel like a step in the right direction yet wasn’t quite enough to rejuvenate the spirit of the hunt. After another week it was time to set out to a neighboring town to revisit some antique stores we’d hit back in the summer of 2019 which, by my calculations, was about about eight years ago. While it wasn’t everything envisioned during those homebound days it still managed to be a worthy outing for a weekend afternoon.

So the plan to kickoff returning to old junk stores was a visit to Nashville, the Michigan version, a sleepy lil burg with two decent antique markets. The main reason I’d wanted to return here was that 66 Unique Antiques had an upstairs corner filled to the brim with old records and comics where I discovered the wonders of Japanese metal band, Loudness. Suffice to say I marched upstairs and straight to that corner upon entering the building only to find bupkis… a new booth under construction with nary a sign of record or comic to be found. Using breathing techniques to steady myself I though perhaps the vendor simply changed booths, downsized, or something to that effect and commenced a total search of the store.

Eventually I learned that the legendary corner was actually stock the building owners had purchased from closed stores and the two main chunks had been bought out last fall. Ordinarily this would have cast a major cloud over the day had I not found a few lovely picks during the search. With a half-hour to spare before both places closed up I headed across the street to boardroom antiques where I nabbed one more goody and asked about a major piece of memorabilia. This old KB Toys sign was there the last time I’d visited and boy does it ever bring back some good vibes. I’ve always had lousy teeth which back when I was kid meant at least a few times a year I’d have to get some fillings. Afterward I was almost assured a visit to the Lansing Mall for Sabarro pizza and some KB shopping. Just looking at this formed plastic brings back sensations of a sore mouth, pepperoni pizza, and the sights of various mechanical toys bumping around on a walled display table. I had to ask what the asking price could be. The quote was around $250, a bit to high for me currently though I’m considering a return somewhere down the road. Of course if any of you would like to get there first and save me from myself that’s fine.

What about the days haul then? One of the first areas of note had a bevy of late-80s/early-90s comics on hand. You’ll note I picked up a few from Marvel’s failed New Universe line. These titles were long gone before my initial experience with comics and had a small failed reboot a little after I returned to the medium in the mid-aughts. The idea was a comic world that veered closer to reality with regular people suddenly being changed by something called the “white event” which granted more scientifically plausible abilities than traditional comics were known for. In recent years I’ve really wanted to dig into these obscure characters and there was a decent offering on hand at this booth. Sadly some of the others where a good deal more expensive or in the middle of their respective series but I was more than happy to march off with the first issue of Kickers Inc. John Byrne’s run on Namor is a title whose Omnibus has been tempting for a while so this issues offers a chance to get a sneak peak at whether the big tome is worth it. Punisher: The Prize just looked like a good read and Hawkworld was a pretty major overhaul for Hawkman that, like many classics DC titles, has a spotty record for collected editions.

On the record front I managed to find a vendor who tried to offer a balance of good condition items at sensible pricing. On hand was a copy of More Chad & Jeremy, a duo firmly set within the framework of Beatles and Monkees era tunes, and music from Miami Vice which offers a nice combo of material made for and licensed by the series. Over at Boardroom I got the best of Hank Williams marking I believe only my second country album in the collection. Admittedly I dispose modern upbeat country only opening my saloon doors for this classic sad-sack stuff. Among the highlights are “Why Don’t You Love Me” and one I’d never heard called “Kaw-liga” about a wooden cigar store Indian who can’t express his feelings. It’s a bit odd and more than a little culturally insensitive.

Bringing home some tunes and reading material was totally expected, what wasn’t was a glass case display of old NES titles near the check-out. While fairly small the selection of titles had plenty to offer be it action, puzzle, etc. Some like Ninja Gaiden II were just simply cost more than I was willing to give into while many of the others didn’t have much in the way of personal meaning, until I found a big one. Dragon Warrior, a game that stood alongside Final Fantasy in our cartridge collection as something my young, illiterate mind couldn't play. I certainly gave the old college try but it would be years before I finally dove headfirst into the world of JRPGs. There’s a lot of memories tied up with this cart be it watching my brothers tackle the game for real, my own meager attempts at battling slimes, or simply admiring the boss ass artwork. Once I clean this copy up it’ll serve as a reminder of how those early days resulted in modern traditions like tackling a Final Fantasy, Tales of, and Ys every year.

There was an unexpected addition to the trip in that we wove our way back through the dirt back-roads of, I believe, Mennonite country, emerging just in time to visit a place called Sunset Acres Bakery which has been around for a few years but is just outside of our usual travel routes. These ladies were stocked up on some crazy treats like sugar cookies that seem closer to personal pan sized cakes or giant rice crispy treat rolls with chocolate swirls. It feels odd to purchase something this indulgent from a bunch of repressive religious zealots but maybe this is how they vent sinful urges. Overall I enjoyed most of this stuff with their peanut butter cookies being the real winners.

So that was a tiny adventure that may just result in some extra post material down the line. It felt so good to finally get out there and feel secure enough to linger and shop properly. Now it’s time to prepare for a few more days trips like finally seeing my college. Seriously… I graduated from a school I’ve never seen. For tonight however I am content to relax and unwind before another work week unfolds. Feel free to share any thoughts on the haul or tips for nice weird stores to visit.

Weird Old Comics: Dark Wolf The Hellwarrior

 

    Been on something of a comic binge for months now. Why I’ve dug through the likes of late 90s Deadpool, mid 70s Daredevil, some top tier Superman work, and Dan Slot’s lovely run on She-Hulk. As I’ve been going through these trades and omnis I remembered an item I picked up precisely for its blog potential. And seeing as I’ve no other clue how to send out the month of January we might as well take a look at it together.

    Way back in the summer of 2019 which, properly calculated against the length of 2020, was about 37 years ago I spent a blisteringly hot summer afternoon visiting antique stores. Might as well provide a link for that old post here and let it be known that a day of extensive antiquing is my number one to-do once I’m fully loaded with vaccine. Among the odd assortment of items brought back from that adventure was an ashcan comic called Dark Wolf The Hellwarrior. No that’s not a typo I believe hellwarrior is actually one word in this situation. Not only did I think this might make for decent blog fodder but I’d honestly never heard the term ashcan comic before and knew I wouldn’t remember to look it up later without this as a reminder. Apparently the original usage of Ashcan comics was to make a quick, low-quality, printed item to stake a claim on character rites. Later on this practice evolved as a means of advertising or providing special issues. This adds a neat wrinkle to the history of this particular book later on.

    Digging into the origins of this thing ended up being almost more interesting than the comic itself. Finding the character was not only a little difficult but some databases didn’t even have the credits for who wrote or drew the damn thing let alone exact publishing dates. The introductory page said claimed it was the work of Butch Burcham but even that turned out to be something of a dead-end at first as the man now goes by his proper name of F. Newton Burcham.

    Eventually I got almost everything roughly sorted out. As far as I can gleam the character was created by Burcham when he was still a teenager but there was nothing widely available until Burcham teamed-up with writer R. A. Jones and had a couple small volumes published in the late 1980s, one through Malibu and another through Eternity. At that point it seems Eternity operated much like Virtigo did for DC (or Epic for Marvel) in that it was the label for off-beat creator owned material, imports, and more mature fare. This ashcan is from the early 1990s so I can only assume it was meant either as a means for Burcham to double-down his claim to the character or to use as an advertisement to other companies to gauge interest. Whatever the reason I can find nothing more recent for Dark Wolf than the two ashcan issues.

    So what happened to these guys? R. A. Jones has worked for the big publishers on rare occasion, there’s a Captain American and Wolverine mini-series from the early 2000s but he seems to have had a fairly small career in the industry. Much the same could be said of Burcham who has a smattering of issues devoted to his own characters. I found a loose trail of his actions over the years as he’s quite big on selling commissioned artwork, he ran a few small but successful kickstarters, even found his ebay profile. I wanna mention one thing about his stash of characters though. Sure he’s got a curvaceous jungle queen, and the wonderfully ridiculous Stargators, but nothing stands up to the one piece of his work I must track down… Dober-man. A mutated, man sized, totally jacked, doberman who fights the evils of the world like ninjas and hippies. Oh and, believe it or not, hippies are a continuing theme for this post.

    Enough beating around the bush. Who is Dark Wolf and what makes him a Hellwarrior? For that matter what is a Hellwarrior? I hope you have the answer cause I just read this thing and I have no clue. The first few pages of the comic are printed in a seemingly stamped red ink and showcase a battle in a savage setting. All the fools we first see cutting into each-other are quickly slaughtered by our man Dark Wolf. Massacring soldiers by the score must work up quite the hunger cause we finish the scene with DW ripping a mans heart out and chowing down.

    Flash-forward… or sideways, it’s not made entirely clear, but we flash to a modern U.S. city circa early 1990s comics. Given the behavior on display I wouldn’t be surprised if it were Times Square in the 70s. One racial stereotype offers crude sexual advances on a likely sex worker who beats his ass… and not in the way you pay for. This earns her the admiration of a ditsy young girl who soon starts on her way back home.

    At home we meet the parents who are seeking to recreate Woodstock in their apartment. Ok maybe I’m just missing something and their just making the banners or something. Either way they feel the copies must be 100% accurate as the fate of the world is tied up in this new Woodstock. Their work is soon interrupted though lucky for them not by Dober-Man, who as we know hates hippies. Nah these are just some garden variety thugs here to scare the couple away along with threats of turning out their daughter. Scare tactics complete the baddies return to their hideout where a shadowy evil figure commands them to step their game up.

    Later that day… night? Week? The passage of time is somewhat in question. The daughter is playing arcade games while hanging out with her new prostitute role-model who just lured the kid out so the thugs could deal with the hippie parents. The girl runs back home to find her parents severed heads with mocking statementss of peace & love smeared across the wall in their own blood. Quite a step up from intimidation huh? The girl soon finds The Book of La, a magic tome she claims belonged to her mother, though it could just be a travel guide for L. A. Kid takes some time, lord knows how much, to conduct a summing spell and whamo! Dark Wolf is at her beck and call and he’s brought his apatite.

    While I can’t say enjoyed Dark Wolf all that much or learned what a hellwarrior is exactly I can’t help but feel the character may have fared better just a few years later. As 90s comics took on ever more obnoxious shapes the notion of anti-heroes and demonic enforcers were big sellers be it purely mystical like Spawn or sci-fi goobery like Venom. Even though this book doesn’t provide much to judge the full capabilities of Burcham the guy clearly had an idea of where the medium was headed.

    For my sake I get something of a giggle outta owning this thing. It’s not an item I’ll return to for reading purposes. Instead it reminds me of those clearly fake comic books that pop up in shows and movies but it’s somehow totally legit. Best of all it gave me a small mission in life. Tracking down issue one of Dober-Man. God I gotta have that book.

Adventures in the Longbox August 2020: Ultraverse

 

    As part of my continuing efforts to make the most of this ridiculous year there has been a massive restructuring of the cosmicsparky boudoir. Old furniture has been cast off in favor of more functional new additions, old items are being dug out of ancient corners, long overdue handyman projects are nearing completion. Honestly it’s all a bit of a mess but the upside for you fine folks is all that potentially post-worthy items that have been rediscovered during this ill-conceived attempt at home-improvement. Case in point being the contents of this old longbox that for the past few years has served as the base of a poverty-stricken laptop desk. We’ve ventured into the contents of this box a couple times in the past to talk about items like my very first comic but today I thought it’d be nice to start venturing further into obscurity, beginning with the Ultraverse.

A Note Before Moving Forward:

    In all fairness I should note before going too far that I’d hoped to make this post larger until life tossed out one of those oh so fun curveballs. On Saturday night, as I was wrapping up the final exams of my summer courses and looked forward to a full week of relaxation my cat decided to go and have a leg issues. Turns out the lil guy might have hip dysplasia, at least according to the vet we were able to take him too. Tomorrow his main vet is gonna go over the files and figure out if this really is the case and what treatments we might try. Still gonna try to get the Halloween season stuff started on time for you all while I babysit my less mobile furry friend. If you all could send Mr. Forrest some positive vibe it’d be appreciated.

Back to the Article Proper:

    It should be noted that this longbox is actually the remnants of several comic collections, resulting in all manner of twisted relics. There’s no better example than the assortment of Ultraverse comics my brother left behind once he left for the army. You’re forgiven for scratching your head in wonderment as to what the hell Ultraverse even is. It was an attempt by Malibu comics to launch their own edgy superhero collective. There was an equivalent character for each main type. Prime was a disgusting body-horror take on Superman, Prototype was a lame ass riff on Iron Man. In place of Wonder Woman there was Mantra, a single mother with the reincarnated soul of a wizard… yowza. Instead of Man-Thing or Swamp Thing they had Sludge. There was even a Deathstorke/Deadpool sort of gun-toting anti-hero in the form of Solitare. Possibly the best known of the batch was Nightman, a Batman type notable for his atrocious late-90s television series.

    As noted before, each of the characters had to be more edgy and violent than the competition because it was the 90s and good taste had long since gone out of fashion. The characters of the Ultraverse might have made a name for themselves without gimmicks thanks to some of the creative talent behind the scenes. Malibu brought writers like Steve Gerber, Mike W. Barr, and Chris Claramont. Bing names for sure though none of them seemed to be bringing their best to the field. Perhaps that had something to do with the sheer focus on marketing and cross-promotion witch the characters wasting no time in visiting other books. The line even had its own major cross-over event within the very first year.

    The story of Ultraverse has one more weird turn. After the line found some amount of success Marvel comics bought up the characters and launched an event called Black September to start having them interact with the current roster of Marvel heroes. Thus we saw the likes of Prime and Juggernaut serving on the same team, or Rune facing off against Venom. The popularity of these new heroes quickly dwindled. After all; the big appeal of reading the Ultraverse was being there for the beginning of something new. Once it was all integrated and reconfigured into the Marvel universe there was little reason for readers to care. Why bother with bastardizations of heroes within the same continuity as the real deal. It wasn’t long before most of the Ultra heroes vanished into obscurity.

    The question for years has been what to do with these books. They’re aren’t high quality, that’s for sure. Nor do they command a high price on the used comic market. The things are pure lemons. Few people even know about them and even fewer want them. And yet their rarity is almost guaranteed as there seems to be some sort of contract snafu that prevented Marvel from relaunching or republishing the titles. I’m sure that legal matter has only gotten more complicated since the Disney acquisition.

    My brother’s stash wasn’t solely based on failed interconnected universes. He did have a few legitimately interesting titles like some Comicco issues of Johnny Quest, a sighed copy of the first issue of Valiant’s relaunch of Turok: Dinosaur Hunter. Probably the most widely known are issues of Daredevil: The Man Without Fear. Sadly the massive print runs of the 1990s ensured that these books are not at all rare. Plus I hate Frank Miller so maybe the bro will get these in a holiday care package.

    Back when we kiddies were gathering comics during that 90s boom era my mother joined in as well by indulging in her Star Trek fandom. There’s about 20 issues each of DC’s regular and Next Gen Trek books along with the first few of Malibu’s DS9 material. I’ve never made an attempt at reading these but now might be the time to start. After all, current Trek isn’t all bad but there’s something to be said for the glory days of the franchise of which these books are a part.

    As mentioned before I gotta cut this post a bit short of my goal, didn’t even get to my section of the longbox. The idea I’m trying to float however is diving into random issues or arcs as a new recurring series for the blog. Try to make these lemons into internet lemonade. I’ll figure out a schedule for that down the line. Right now I gotta care for my lil dude and prep some Halloween stuff in my spare time. Any luck and there will be more posts within the week, and hopefully some good news about the quadruped.

Favorite MCU Moments.

It should be fairly obvious to anyone visiting this site that I am a big fan of cinema and superheroes which of course means this weekend is almost something of a holy celebration. And why shouldn't it be? Even with the existence of previous shared movie universes like Universal Monsters or long-form action series like Zatoichi or Tarzan, nothing has ever really been like what Marvel has put together with Infinity War. Good or bad this is a major shift for what movies can be.

When I was just a wee one it was common practice to live with very low expectations for any superhero movie. At the time it was easily one of the worst genres out there filled with garbage like Batman and Robin, Spawn, and Howard the Duck. The highest our hopes would ever reach is that we might one day get a Spider-Man or X-men movie that wasn't completely embarrassing. No kid was crazy enough to think we'd one day be blessed enough to not only see characters like Thor, or Rocket Raccoon in film but to see them done well. The additional notion of a shared continuity developing through all of these films was a largely untested concept. Now we live in a time when these ideas are taken for granted. This weekend should carry more meaning for film-lovers, comic-fans, and kids who grew up in a time when superheroes movies were actually good yet it's already tarnished by the current consume and cast aside mentality. On the upside, both Korea's got their shit together so it's a banner time all over the world.

Since this weekend is so important I wanted to ring it in with a special post. At first I thought I might do a total ranking of the MCU, every film, short, season of television, all of it. Then I realized that's the sort of hollow writing already prevalent across film journalism. Instead let's talk about some of my favorite moments from this franchise. After-all, what good is it to express what you enjoy without elaborating on why you enjoy it? There are plenty of options ranging from Spider-Man's interigation mode to Dr Strange's chase through the mirror dimension. For the sake of brevity I'll keep it down to just a few choice scenes. For anyone who may have been avoiding pleasure for the past decade, there may be some spoilers. In my defense, I gave you at least a year to catch up on these. Where else on the internet can you get that sort of consideration?

Drax and Mantis:

It may come to some as a surprise but I am not a big fan of the first Guardians of the Galaxy. Yes I like it, but it is far down the totem pole due to a combination of the circumstances of my original viewing and it's flabby storytelling. The sequel however I am all over. For all of its color and noise Guardians vol. 2 is a family drama in disguise. It's like The Ice Storm with lasers and evil demi-gods.

Even with my lesser outlook on the first entry, Dave Bautista as Drax was an immediate favorite. The guy can perfectly capture the whiplash nature of this painfully honest, often foolish, and tortured brute. No where else is this on better display than his conversation with Mantis among the gardens of Ego.

First there's the comedy of him insulting her looks before he softens to speak of the importance of inner beauty. Eventually the surroundings remind him of his departed daughter. At this point Mantis reaches out to use her empathic abilities on Drax and the scene becomes so much more.

Upon touching him she is clearly overcome with grief, openly weeping while he sits in place, a stoic look upon his face. In this moment she is introduced to loss unlike she's ever known while he lives with pain as a constant companion. It's such a wonderful moment that seals a bond between this warrior and his new friend “this gross bug-lady.”

Zemo's end:

Helmut Zemo is one of the most drastically altered villains from his original comic antics. Instead of a crazy costumed warmonger we were given a broken yet very determined man. As if changing the character wasn't enough his role was rather unique. Instead of a villain who creates the situation our heroes face, he instead manipulated those events to further his goal.

Both Zemo's plan and motivation were simple, even if his methods could stretch belief. This is a man who was utterly failed by these costumed-crusaders whose robotic creation Ultron caused the death of his family. Knowing he couldn't take such individuals on himself, he meddled whenever possible to turn them against each-other.

The completion of Zemo's plot wasn't some grand speech or bid for power. He sat outside, listening to the last message from his wife with plans to commit suicide. It was the intervention of Black Panther who chose to move past rage and loss to bring his enemy to justice. Not only does this moment serve as his first heroic-act but it's the entire backbone of the movie. These few minutes of film are the debate between a man whose life was ruined by so-called heroes while one of them stands in front of him, promising to do better.

When viewing the film for the first time I was concerned how Black Panther would play out in coming films as his motivation through most of Civil War as he mostly acts as a foil. This scene gave him footing as a real hero, perfectly setting him up for his own great adventure.

Vision and Ultron:

In general it's never a good idea to introduce a major character to your ensemble story when there's only 40 minutes left to spare. When that character is as good as Paul Bettany's Vision however things are a little different. Not only does he make a huge impression with minimal screen-time but he walks away with possibly the best scene in Age of Ultron.

Not unlike the confrontation between Zemo and Black Panther, this final meeting between Ultron and Vision serves as the debate between both sides. On one end there is Ultron, convinced of humanities looming failure, he would rather push them into extinction to make way for something new. On the other side is Vision who in only a brief time on this Earth has learned that the beauty of life is not found in security or continued success.

In a film as stuffed and fast-paced as this, taking out the villain with some explosive final maneuver would have been tacky. Letting the conflict end with a debate between artificial father and son gives the battle a level of dignity not often seen in this sort of story.

One can't help but take Vision's speech as something of a prophecy as well. Our time with these movies may not last. Lord knows, maybe the 2020s will see a resurgence of romantic comedies. In the here and now, we have the chance to experience this universe on a regular schedule and that's a beautiful thing regardless of how long it lasts.

Winter Soldier Attacks:

In case you were worried my entire list would consist of crying and moral-standoffs here's some full-blown action that accomplishes something very rare, the feeling of stakes. Hear me out. When watching action films we're generally secure in the knowledge that the hero will make it out just fine. This makes the methods they use to dispatch their foes the entertaining aspect of the film. The Winter Soldier reached a level of intensity reserved for only the finest action cinema where we start to doubt if our leads will make it out in one-piece.

The moment when the Solider goes after Cap, Black Widow, and Falcon for the first time is so intense witch surging music and excellent choreography. Each and every strike feels potentially fatal, pushing everyone to their limit in order to survive. The fact that it culminates in Captain America discovering the identity of this mad-dog killer adds a great cherry on top of an outstanding fight-scene.

Father and Son:

I've already mentioned just how much of an improvement I found the second Guardians to be over its predecessor. Every single element was a step above what had come before, allowing me to finally get in touch woth these characters that I had previously only found amusing. In an unexpected turn of events this colorful space adventure with poop jokes and classic folk-rock warped up with one of the most sad and touching moments of any superhero film.

From the music of Cat Stevens to the light-show put on by the Ravager fleet the funeral is the perfect mix of depressing while still celebrating the life that was lost. Each member of the group sees their emotional arc hit its peak whether that be admitting to love or learning from the friend they lost while each of them helps to raise a young Groot which completes the theme of parenthood throughout the film.

For me this ending is something a barometer to judge someone's tastes by. Consider how many still consider the movie as a simple popcorn flick, largely ignoring that the main ending shot of is of a crying raccoon at a fireworks laden funeral. It's a bit of a giveaway that if someone just sees this as something colorful and entertaining then they may not be the best person to engage about the intricacies of storytelling.

With that I'll stop waxing poetically about a decades worth of so-called silly movies. There's not long to go before I finally get to hit the theater and it seems like I'll have to live those hours out in fairly Amish fashion as one very tiny thing has already been spoiled for me. While I wait, feel free to share some of your own favorite scenes or if you want to keep it lighter just share your personal best entries in the franchise. This is a time to celebrate how far this genre has come in the past ten-years and what that means for us nerdy folk moving forward.

Marvel's Iron Fist Review. It Stinks!

Hello everyone. I know it's been quiet around here lately. Part of that is having a lot of extra work hours tossed my way, a situation that doesn't look to be slowing down anytime soon. Other than that I've also been suffering from a bit of writing doldrums. I've attempted to start up multiple articles this past week with little success at making them worthy of posting. Mostly I'm looking for some new subjects to write about and wouldn't you know something landed in my lap over the weekend. I'm talking about Iron Fist, a series I was looking forward to with great enthusiasm only to be crushed by the reality that this show is bad, really, really bad.

Having been a Marvel fan since buying my first issue of Spider-Man before I could even read has made the past 9 years something special. I mean it's great to see these characters properly translated to the screen on a regular basis By and Large I've enjoyed damn near every part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe save for the lameness of Iron Man 2 and the second half of Luke Cage. More than that, I was stoked for Iron Fist to get his shot at the spotlight in a line of Netflix series that has so far provided great series for Daredevil and Jessica Jones (less so with Luke Cage) that fully embraced outlandish plot points like demon ninjas and mind-controlling freaks. Just imagine what could happen with the splendor of super kung-fu. So what the hell happened? There's going to be a hefty amount of spoilers ahead.

Let's start with the title character. Both my brother and nephew disliked the performance of Finn Jones. I wasn't so set to blame him however since what's written for him her is such a none-character he honestly didn't have much to work with. Throughout the series I wasn't sure what they were trying to do with him. He spent 15 years in a mystical city, fighting his way to the top in order to earn the power and rank of Iron Fist, yet he's played out like a emotionally broken child with no understanding of his powers. Beyond that, his life in K'un Lun is barely touched on and handled inconsistently. One moment he's talking about it like it was just the most awesome place on Earth, then's he's freaking out over the abuse he suffered there. The guy jumps from being a gentle kung-fu nerd, to boiling pot of rage, to scared child, sometimes within the same scene. Because of this he can barely utilize his own superpower, begging the question of how he earned it in the first place. There's a video of a previous Iron Fist kicking massive amounts of ass, something that this version of Danny Rand never accomplishes. Our hero doesn't even take down any of the main villains in this season, his supporting cast takes care of that.

Speaking of support characters, let's start with Colleen Wing. While I found both the actress and character annoying on multiple occasions she still fares better in this series than the title hero. The girl actually has a proper journey as she finds so much of her life to be a lie, finally turning against the group that made her what she is. It turns out in this series that she's actually a member of the hand...though she's not a demon ninja because this is a different (but still evil) branch of the hand. Despite Colleen's dojo serving as a recruitment center for this group that has the money to put people through medical school, she somehow has no money to stay open which results in her cage fighting for two episodes with zero bearing on the rest of the story. Also, she's somehow allowed to freely roam the streets of New York City with a katana.

The Mechum family is another matter entirely. The actors for Joy, Ward, and Harold all do a mostly fine job, but most of the time it feels like they're in a completely different show. While Danny is traveling to Hong Kong to destroy a drug factory or battling crazed assassins, they deal with board room meetings and drug addiction. Joy in particular could have been removed from the show and it wouldn't have made much difference.

Harold Meachum ends up being the real villain of the peace and his arc is drug out and pointless. He was evil before, then he died of cancer and brought back by Hand medicine to be more evil. Once Ward stabs him to death he returns even more evil and that's it. There's a subplot about Ward's guilt at killing his father that goes nowhere.

Much of the series occurs in such a haphazard manner. Sub-plots like the cage fights, or Danny's stay in a mental hospital merely happen with no effect on further events. Furthermore the show tries to operate inside of a vacuum. Yes the Hand, including scary old Madam Gao are here but never the demon ninjas or possessed children previously seen in Daredevil. Now it's a secret academy somehow hidden within New York City where fit teenagers work out all day.

As if all the issues with story line, characters, acting, weren't enough, there's lazy direction and piss poor production values. Danny's fight against a spider themed assassin looks like something straught outta the second Mortal Kombat movie. And they are so few locations it makes the show feel claustrophobic. Here's a scene in the office, then Colleen's Dojo, then Harold's apartment, then the office, the dojo, office again. You get the idea, it's a very cheap feeling series.

Possibly the biggest issue of all is tone. Not once did this ever feel like an Iron Fist tale. Instead of a naive yet fun kung-fu master battling hordes of colorful martial artists and ninja, we're treated to this emotionally cold, sluggishly paced upper crust family drama. It's a tone that might have worked if this were a character like Moon Knight but not here. There's never even a pay off to all this shit as the final conflict is Danny hiding on a rooftop, trying not to get shot by a zombie business man.

Iron Fist is so lame I nearly didn't finish. I had to stop episode 12 about twenty minutes in to take care of some things and barely had the strength to turn it back on. I was so tired of watching these characters moping about in their pajamas, unable to process basic emotions. During the first half of the show I kept giving it a pass in the hope it was going somewhere but it just kept getting worse. I wasn't just disappointed, I was full on exhausted over how awful this was. It's not just bad but the worst thing Marvel Studios has ever made.

I've mentioned before how I seek to be a more positive voice on the internet so it's tough to write something so negative, but this show really isn't getting the tongue lashing it deserves. As viewers we can only hope that the Defenders team-up does some major damage control for this character, and that the entire Iron Fist writing staff finds themselves without jobs. At the very least I have proof of not loving all Marvel productions for when I review DC movies. Marvel shit the bed here, plain and simple.

The Road to Onslaught: Avengers First Sign Part 1

Last year featured one of the most fun series of articles I've ever written. Not the most popular one mind you but highly enjoyable form my point of view. I'm talking about the multi-part review of The Crossing, one of the worst major comic book events of all time. One so bad in fact that only a few years later it inspired a whole mini-series designed to practically wipe it from existence. Little did readers know at the time though that The Crossing was essentially a pit-stop along the way to an even larger serialized cash-grab known as the Onslaught Saga. What of the few months between these two behemoths? Well that's what we're here to talk about today in the first installment of our road to Onslaught.

In case no one remembers the developments of The Crossing, very possible given those articles low rankings, here's what went down. Tony Stark turned out to be a toady for time-traveling villains. He killed a few people and eventually sacrificed himself in a last ditch effort at redemption, leaving his time-displaced teenage self to pick up the pieces. Another villain, Madam Masque seemed to turn over a new lief and joined the Avengers while Wasp was actually transformed into a bug-person because we all remember how big kids were into the works of Cronenberg in the 90's, right? In other books at the time Captain America returned from some situation that caused people to think he was dead, Thor lost all his godly powers, and west coast team, Force Works disbanded. Now we should all be ready to dive in.

CAPTAIN AMERICA #499

Thing's kick off in rather fittingly with Sharon Carter dangling a SHEILD bureaucrat out of a hellicarrier window. Girl's pissed about being left high and dry while on some mission. Not to mention somebody had the stones to lie about her being dead. Cap pulls the poor office jockey back inside and the couple is soon interrupted by Contessa.....who I guess was in charge of SHEILD at the time. Really don't know who this lady is. When asked about speaking to Nick Fury she reports that he's dead, for real this time, and nobody comes back from the dead. This leads to one of my favorite comic panels where Cap makes an expression that essentially says “can you believe this bitch?” Classic.

The confrontation is soon ended and with the couple back on the ground Cap tries his best to convince Sharon to come over to his place (smart man) before he's cock blocked by a force field surrounding all of Manhattan. If that weren't bad enough everything electrical goes dead, prompting the star spangled hero to start rescuing folks from crashing helicopters and such. He eventually learns the city is overrun by a group called Zodiac who have created a device which takes the energy from everything but their own tech and crates the giant barrier. There's too many for the old boy to take on by himself so he goes in search of Thor who he finds shirtless, powerless, and living with a supervillainess,. Terrific.

THOR #496

The Zodiac members who followed Cap into this building last issue are soon part of one of the quickest stand-offs I've ever witnessed as Enchantress, Thor's girl Friday at the time lays them out with her automated rubber bullet machinegun. She has her own generator in case you're fretting about how that worked but it too is soon drained of energy. She coerces some info from the thugs while the boys chat with Phillip...the landlord.

The boys know their target. They must reach an abandoned subway stations ten blocks away where the Zodiac are pouring into town through an inter-dimensional portal. Cue another citywide tour of villains, daring fire rescues, stampeding crowds, looters, you name it. Only a portion of the journey leaves are heroes drained. Luckily they come across a group of militant blind students who sneak them into the subway. I don't want to turn this into a political blog but the Marvel universe could certainly stand some tighter gun restrictions if people who lack sight are wielding assault riffles in the streets of Manhattan. The issue ends with our boys having no clue what to do about this dimensional portal which is still sending horrible shit our way.

IRON MAN #326

Teenage Tony Stark is attempting to get his life started with classes at Columbia. Within a few minutes he's got a potential supporting cast with love a interest named Kris, irritating jocks, and even a nerdy chap named...oh god, his name is actually Chap. The cherry on this social sundae is the teacher of his new science class, the girl he was dating when the Avengers pulled him into the future. Ya think he'll get fair grades with an instructor like that? T0ny tries to doge this lovely reunion and a citywide power outage provides the perfect opportunity to avoid emotional responsibility.

One major issue with the power drain is Tony himself practically runs on batteries since his heart had to be modified with Iron Man technology after his older self went all Mortal Kombat on his vital organs. He goes in search of anything to improve his situation when he comes across an odd pulse which leads him through the basement of Columbia University strait into the subway station where Captain American & Thor are battling countless Zodiac soldiers. Speaking of Thor. At some point in the battle he found the time to change from a shirtless beach bum to full scale bondage queen.

Our boys escape with a Zodiac teleportor and head to the Brooklyn Bridge to meet with teammates on the other side when wouldn't ya know it, a morale dilemma pops up. Tony can force the teleportor to open a hole in the force field for thirty seconds. In that time they can either let other heroes in to help battle the enemy or let civilians escape the carnage and quickly dropping temperatures. Guess the field drags down the temp too. Oh and did I mention this little strategy is going to be powered by Stark's chestplate leaving him on the edge of death? Must be time for another issue.

AVENGERS #396

Given the nature of this story you'd be right in thinking the cliffhanger wasn't really an issue. The team succeeds in both saving civilians and letting a few extra Avengers in to lend a hand. Giant-Man even returns a little energy to Tony ensuring his heart doesn't cave in like an overripe melon.

Meanwhile in the Grand Canyon. No I'm not drunk, the story's really making a brief jump across the country, Scarlet Witch and Hawkeye are trying to figure out what to do with their Force Works careers officially over. They encounter their own batch of homicidal madmen who shoot them out of the sky. If you're looking for a resolution to this subplot you'll have to come back for another entry cause these two are M.I.A. For the rest of this issue.

Back in New York the Avengers locate Zodiac's hideout on an antiquated battleship of all things. Punching naturally ensues as they're also introduced to the evil commander, Libra who has control over his own molecular structure, allowing him to make delicious puns about being “a master of destiny and density.” Cute. While he works on his comedy routine and smacks alien cat girls around, Giant-Man finds the force field device deep within the ship and celebrates in the only acceptable fashion, by sinking a national treasure. The bad guys turn tail. That's it. That's what four issues of comics added up to in the mid-90's.

In all fairness this tale is actually better written than just about anything found within The Crossing. Even the Iron Man portions which are from the same writer benefit greatly from the focus on the new Tony kickstarting his life rather than old Tony bemoaning his very existence. It's kinda cynical to make this heroes first adventure another crossover story instead of letting him do his own thing. I get that it makes business sense to try and get readers from other books to notice him but when it's just a thinly veiled attempt at showing he can hang with the big boys, dignity sorta gets tossed out the window.

That's all for today folks. I gotta go pretend to be responsible now, or go downtown to play board games. Eh, screw responsibility. See ya.