Candyman Series Review

 

    

    While it’s no secret that I’m a big time horror aficionado, I’ve left some mystery surrounding the overly complicated storage method for the massive collection of spooky flicks. Since I’m pressed for space there is a three tier system plus sub-organization. The basics are based on quality. The best stuff gets house alphabetically on the ikea bookcase, good but lesser flicks are stashed inside cubes in the closest, and the weakest of the lot go in cloth bins in the highest point of the closet. Every horror movie that comes through here is subject to analysis of where it deserves to live. This debate gets even trickier when it comes to full series as was recently the case with Candyman.

    I’d seen the original Candyman several times in the past and while I didn’t mind it, something always felt off. Watched the second film years later and found it pretty lackluster. The recent revival via a forth entry combined with a blu-ray release of the much hated third installment marked the perfect time to dive back in and really test out the legacy of this franchise. For only being four movies there’s some wild shifts in quality to contend with. The original plan was to get these watched so they could be part of black history month, even though the majority of them revolve around blonde white ladies. My PC says it’s officially March 1^st but for you west coasters there’s still some black history to revel in, so let’s do this.

    The original Candyman has a huge reputation as many call it a true great of the horror genre. Might as well get this outta the way but it’s not that amazing. I mean it’s a solid film with a few choice scenes and a setting that really sets it apart. What hold OG Candyman back from being an undeniable classic isn’t anything all that big so much as plentiful tiny missteps and poor choices. Sloppy editing, ugly sets, underdeveloped characters, and one heck of a messy ending. Even some of its key features are double edged such as the score by Phillip Glass which is both iconic and cheap-sounding. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves though.

    For this first outing the focus is on Helen, a graduate student doing a thesis on urban myths. Her key topic is on the candyman myth of Chicago’s Cabrini Green projects. Thinking herself educated she sets out to prove how a neighborhood scared by crime and insecurity, note that she has very little understanding of social injustice, attributes social ills to a bogeyman in order to cope with reality. The story reaches peak quality at the midpoint with the flashback to the bathroom killing followed by the big revel of Candyman and the twists he provides to the story. Past that it becomes a series of scenes where Helen acts crazy and wonders why people think she’s crazy until the big face-off.

    OG Candyman is a might bit messy. Lots of folks talk up how it focuses on issues of race but the way it handles those topics is both one-sided and sloppy. Other horror flicks of the era like People Under The Stars handled racial inequality through the lens of characters living through those experiences. When Helen goes to Cabrini Green she might as well be sight-seeing, taking in other peoples misery for her own potential gain. Her understanding of the difficulties that neighborhood faces is incredibly superficial and the movie never totally calls her out on it, making for a difficult to root for protagonist.

    That being said, Tony Todd is an absolute boss, coming across not unlike an African American Vincent Price. His attitude, delivery, and presence go a long way in making the film memorable. Likewise there are some outstanding scenes like when Helen wakes up after first encountering Candyman. Plus the Chicago projects are a unique horror movie setting even to this day. Like I said before; it’s a good movie, but a bit short of true greatness.

    Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh attempts to maintain the brainier approach of its predecessor but can’t help itself from being plain old dumb. For this second attempt the action moves down to New Orleans where a woman named Annie deals with her brother being accused of murder, a crime that stretches back further in her family past. Before long she’s mixed up with the Candyman and the search for a magic mirror… seriously,

    Lots of people talk smack about jumps scares without really understanding the gap between good and poor examples. A great jump scare not only provides that quick boost of adrenaline but actually has some baring on the events you’re watching unfold. Furthermore it should amp up the threat level. Farewell to the Flesh is full of the worst kind of jump scares where nothing of note, or sometimes nothing at all, happens but there’s a loud noise edited in after the fact to make it seem scary. More often than not a character stumbles across a smelly hobo or stubs their toe on something while the music ramps way up. If you made a drinking game out of it you’d likely be spared the lame ending due to unconsciousness.

    There’s a certain comfort to that overdone mid-90s estetic along with some decent atmosphere from the New Orleans Mardi-Gras setting but none of that is enough to make up for Farewell to the Flesh’s lack of thrills or ideas. Our boring heroine stumbles from one scene to the next being scared by nothing until Candyman pops up behind someone to slice em capped off by a race to break a magic mirror. And let’s talk about the big C guy’s plan here. Turns out he’s got a line of white descendants and he wants to kill em all to make his legend bigger somehow… that’s it. The racial angle is even more superficial this time with the focus on scared white girl overpowering disenfranchised cultures haunted by a boogeyman. Save for a couple decent looks at Candyman’s past this is an almost perfect example of rent it and forget it mid-90s fair.

    Candyman 3: Day of the Dead ushered the series into the dank bowels of straight to video releases where it could potentially fester alongside the likes of Amityville and Hellraiser. For decades I’ve heard how terrible this one, reports that seemed legit given the series ended full stop. Pretty much everything I’d heard was correct. This thing’s dog shit all the way through. While this marks it as pretty poor viewing, personally I may have had more fun with this than with part 2. The tone and style is a weird mix of the previous films with a return to exploring race culture within a big city, this time hispanic community in L.A. Candyman himself feels closer to his first incarnation though his plan is a shaky combination of what came before, On that front this continues the family subplot from Farewell to the Flesh which makes for a really weird feature. Technically this story should be happening about nowish, maybe 2020 itself. Only a version of 2020 where folks where adult sized clothing and all phones are hardwired. That means these events are actually happening after the newest film.

    Donna D’Errico of Baywatch/Baywatch Nights fame stars as Caroline, the daughter of Annie from part 2. She’s part of the art scene in L.A. who gets roped into an art show featuring the works of Daniel Robitaille, aka Candyman. Before long the big guy’s out to hell her and everyone she knows cause why not? There’s very little to praise here with The greatest highlight being the comically evil cops who actually seem like psychic premonition of public police relations in the 2020s. This is just a trashy straight to video slasher with little in the way of ambition. Tony Todd’s still doing his best and there’s a tiny speck of a new idea with some goths worshiping Candyman but it all goes nowhere. Strange enough this one is actually improved by the fourth movie as those events could explain why it took so long for him to come after Caroline as well as proposing an interesting fate for the one cop character.

    By this point the series didn’t have a very favorable batting average. One decent yet messy flick followed by two dull & idiotic sequels isn’t the best way to stand out in the horror crowd. For my own personal viewing experience this meant a lot was riding on the new Candyman in cementing the overall franchise quality. Plus there was the curiosity/worry of what I was in for. The past 6 years or so have brought a bevy of what the internet calls elevated horror movies and for each one that works there’s a dozen absolute shit shows that are gonna age about as well as yogurt in an Alabama Summer.

    Right off the bat there’s a massive improvement in cinematography, editing, music, all the fine details that make a movie pop. Really can’t say enough about the score which channels the spirit of the old Phillip Glass stuff without sounding so cheap. There’s some obvious effort being made to lift the series out of the lame duck slasher territory of previous sequels.

    Setting production quality aside though we have something new and novel for the series, a protagonist who isn’t a white woman. For the first time ever the series looks at racial issues through the eyes of African Americans, namely an artist who has a secret connection to Cabrini Green. He develops an obsession for Candyman, just not the one we’re familiar with. In fact the film changes a whole lot about the nature of Candyman in a way that might annoy some old-school fans but really opens the series up should anyone wish to continue it.

    This new flick seems to bite off more than it can chew though. Some of the new ideas are really interesting but they’re left feeling underdeveloped. The proper lack of a follow-up appearance from Helen is especially notable given how this story touches on the ending of her tale. The tiny appearance of Tony Todd, while awesome and very appreciated, is still kinda sad after all this time without him. Plus it seems a little confusing as anything other than fan service and I’d imagine newbies kinda scratching their head at it. And while the racial aspects are definitely improved on there’s still a superficial element thanks to having the characters on the outside looking in.

    Issues aside this is easily the highlight of the series. It’s mean, well-made, entertaining, bloody, with just a touch of something more to give it some weight. I found myself shift from giving zero shits about a new Candyman to being all about this thing. In the modern era of long-form horror sequels this is definitely a highlight.

    While I debated where to store the series within my collection I decided to do something uncharacteristic and actually split them up. Despite the first film’s issues I’m likely enough to revisit it that it can stay on the bookcase with part four to keep it company. The second and third are totally in the bins.

    Alright; I’ve been plugging away at this long enough for tonight. Next update we’re gonna return to a topic I haven’t touched on in years in preparation for a long-planed series of articles to come. Either that or a snack report cause good lord have I been forgetting to keep you guys up to date on some goodies. Whatever the sequence of events I’m still doing my damnedest to get back in the flow around here, so look forward to those.

Cosmicsparky Returns to Talk About Underworld

 

    Another round of big holidays has come and gone and yet another year is in proper swing. In the interim I’ve been a total slouch at blogging. Since last touching base there’s been the usual array of work, holiday clean-up, January projects, oh, and the entire household may have had covid at some point. At the very least we found out well after the fact that we’d been exposed. If it infected any of us it went unnoticed. Don’t take this as downplaying the risks. We’ve all had our shots and thankfully the family luck tends to keep things like that at bay. Outside the house we now know some folks who were taken out by covid and I even had to take on extra work responsibilities for a while as several folks took ill. It may be a new years but, seriously folks, take your damn shots, I can nly handle so many extra shifts.

    Given the amount of time that’s passed it’s only right to do some post holiday wrap-up. Can’t speak for everyone else but around here December felt kinda off. It rarely felt like Christmas so much as extended Thanksgiving. That’s not to say it was bad as there were still plenty of pleasant moments and nifty gifts to go around I just think a number of people weren’t in the spirit and that collective charge that seeps out into the world failed to reach full strength It was the sort of holiday you hard to force a little by taking the right steps in food or entertainment in order to trigger that jolly center of the brain. Oddly enough I felt more festive throughout January. Perhaps the spring holidays will need to be beefed up to balance the scales.

    While the feeling of Christmas wasn’t totally there it didn’t stop this household from doing their damnedest. The advantages of proper employment allowed me to give a better array of gifts. Not to brag but the haul wasn’t half-bad either with most of my hobbies covered. Nearly everything came in threes. Three horror flicks, three tv series, three video games, you get the idea. If I wasn’t already primed for months of activities this certainly made up for any lacking areas.

    Originally the plan was to segway this post into the fittingly post-holiday first season episode of Night court featuring Michael J Fox as a despondent teenager. Problem is I revisited the show about two days before Christmas and have since forgotten all the internal commentary. Still there’s one thing, or rather five that I planed to write about and still maintain enough snark to torment you with; The Underworld franchise.

    Little personal history. Despite being a fiend for all things horror I’ve largely avoided the Underworld flicks. Sure the first two were blockbuster rentals way back when but after not finding either all that thrilling I subsequently ignored the sequels. That is until a fancy new 4k box set came out last fall and I caved to shiny packaging. The whole multi-genre thing combined with plenty of monsters and apt amounts of snow and blue filter made these a perfect project for the Halloween through New Years window anyway. In the process of picking up the series after all these years something of an appreciation started to grow while getting dashed against the rocks a few times as well.

    Let’s go all the way back to 2003, pretty much the center of that time when genre-mixing action flicks were quite the rage. Whether it was Blade, The Matrix, Resident Evil, Riddick, Equilibrium, AVP, Van Helsing, or Sky Captain there was a gap to fill after jingoistic muscleman flicks had been deemed out of style and untimely. If ever there was a time to launch a film series about a skinny British girl in a body-condom who punches monsters, this was it. And what teenage boy wouldn’t be down for hot chicks, guns, and monsters? Apparently this one.

    Before going much further I’d best give the general rundown of how the series functions. Vampires and werewolves, oh sorry, Lycans are real and have been at war under our very noses for centuries. Vamps are ruled over by three elders who take turns being in charge while wolves are far less organized. During the first outing we learn of biological experiments from the lycans based on the two species shared origin from a man whose had a strange reaction to a plague which then split off into the monster bloodlines. A modern day human descendant of that bloodline named Michael is pulled into the conflict where he meets hard-ass vampire deathdealer, Selene. Forbidden love ensues, hybrid monsters are made, and ancient conspiracies unearthed.

    At the time of it’s release I found Underworld’s storytelling to be messy, the world generic and ugly, and the action to be mostly boring. Some of these flaws have actually improved with age. The action, while still sluggish, is kinda refreshing after the waves of choppy editied action that occurred post Bourne movies and the over-choreographed stuff permeating every streaming service today. The blue-filtered eurotrash look now carries a comfy nostalgia. Even the story comes across more sturdy when compared to later cinematic abortions like the Transformers movies. There’s a level of gore, camerawork, and film-craft that didn’t feel like enough at the time but is damn respectable in retrospect.

    Still; there’s plenty of issues with the biggest, one that is wildly tossed at more recent movies, being how it feels less like a full story and more like an ad for other stories that could be. There’s so much in the way of characters and plot points that are only half-realized either on purpose or out of sheer laziness. So many names and past events are dropped in the viewers lap as if they’re a big deal only the audience has no frame of reference to work with. Oh it’s so shocking that this guy I know nothing about has been fake dead all this time, oh and now he’s really dead. Some of this shit outright disappears. Like it always seemed that the blonde vampire, Erika has something more up her sleeve but you’ll never see her again. Characters are wasted and we’re promised that nothing will ever be the same even though we had the most bare-bones explanation of how this world worked in the first place.

    Underworld Evolution came out three years later and this one was closer to how I remembered it. Right out the gate the backstory is made even more convoluted by trimming down the origin of both species as the two sons of Corvinus, one who was a vamp, the other werewolf (but not lycan as we’ll learn later on). The vampire Viktor is one of the elders who has now woken up with some lycan blood in his system, making him a hybrid apparently, and sets out to kill a shitload of regular vampires and free his wolfie bro from captivity because of purity or some such nonesense. Meanwhile we make repeat visits to a batch of new seemingly human characters who aren’t explained until roughly the 50-minute mark.

    If evolution sounds like something of a mess that’s because it is. Editing and action have gone down in quality, character development is nonexistent, geography and proper chronology are often ignored. Character development is at a standstill while more plot points and macgguerns are tossed at the audience. It’s not the worst film in the series though it certainly comes close. Once again things end with the promise that nothing will ever be the same which still means nothing since we don’t even totally know what part of the world we’re in. Seriously it’s just generic Europe at this point.

    For the third outing the series in 2009 the series takes the prequel route with Rise of the Lycans. Multiple dead characters from the first film are brought back and placed front and center in a medieval setting that makes the series feel the closet it’s ever been to Hammer Horror territory. We learn that OG werewolves were never able to shift between their man and beast forms until Lucian, the first Lycan is born. Seeing an opportunity the vampires use Lucian to breed a slave race resuting in a situation best described as Spartacus with monsters.

    This one has a bizarre reputation that fluctuates depending on who you ask between best or worst in the series. Honestly neither is the case. Lycans is plenty entertaining with the whole gladiator meets werewolves vibe and tons of Bill Nighey scenery chewing. The issue here is that there's little to no new information for viewers to ponder. We already knew this story and the added details only make things more messy. When exactly did Lucian go into hiding as supposedly dead is a prime example since he’s fresh off victory at the end of this outing. Little of importance is added to the mythology and as a result we’re treated to a sorta fun movie that manages to jug in place.

    In 2012 audiences were given Underworld Awakening which nowadays would likely be called a soft-reboot. We catch up with Selene only times have drastically changed. Humanity finally got hip to the whole secret history of monsters and set about wiping both species off the planet. During this cleansing both Selene and Michael are captured only for here to wake up years later naked in a cryotube. With the change in circumstances comes a full change to the supporting cast with new allies and enemies abound, the most of important of which is Selene’s daughter Eve.

    Despite the usual array of failings (not limited to a giant CG werewolf) this is probably my personal highlight for the series. For what feels like the first time ever Selene actually has some development as she faces sudden onset motherhood in a more dangerous world where her kind of been driven underground and her lover is M.I.A. Action is vastly improved with far less posturing, there’s a new human character who exists as something other than a love interest, Lycans get more crafty, and we even get treated to the wonderful Charles Dance filling the Bill Nighy void. There’s development on the front of Selene’s super blood that she obtained in Evolution, a decent cliffhanger, and even a funny action-heroine one-liner. It’s not grand cinema but at least it feels like the series wants to be something more by this point. Then we get Blood Wars.

    For whatever reason the fifth entry in any series is usually a dour note. At worst you end up with something like Phantasm Raveger but even a solid part 5 can be overshadowed by the titles surrounding it, think Friday the 13^th Part V for example. Underworld couldn’t escape this trend and the result is Blood Wars which... fuck is this thing awful. There’s just so much wrong here beginning with a limp attempt to ignore the previous entry. Michael has yet to be found, though his fate is revealed later on and is so damn stupid. Eve is shoved off to the side for her own safety. As for humans I guess they just forgot that monsters roam the earth. Characters mention how they’ve been brought low in recent years but everyone’s back to living in big castles or militant railyards and there isn’t a single human character to deal with. Selene’s still got magic blood and knows the new vamps from Awakening but for whatever reason she’s still on the run for the events of the first two films as if anyone would care after humanity cut through the monsters like shit after a church potlock.

    The current crop of Lycans is getting a leg up over the vampires and Selene is brought in to train a new crop of deathdealers. That is of course until yet another conspiracy rears its ugly head forcing her and (checks notes) David to flee northward to hook up with peaceful snowy vamps who meddle in the spirit world. More secret histories are revealed, another super wolf appears, and once again the ending promises that nothing will ever be the same (head slap).

    Blood Wars is just lazy on every front. Action sequences are dull, the story is empty and forgetful, new characters are completely wasted, and the answers to lingering mysteries are head-shakingly bad. Adding insult is how Selene has totally lost her edge. Despite being a killer badass to begin with plus the upgrade she got in part two she’s now weak as a kitten. Girl even gets captured and strapped to a table so someone can rescue her. Mind you this isn’t in the exploitative sense to titillate the audience so much as a lazy way of trying to showcase how dangerous the new villains are. As it stands the series has gone out on a majorly underwhelming note.

    After finally taking in the whole platter I must admit I’ve softened toward Underworld. The 1^st, 3^rd, and 4^th installments are sloppy but entertaining enough while the 2^nd is a kind of a comfy dumpster fire. Blood Wars should be cast out to sea but what are ya gonna do? It’s strange though how many facets of the franchise remain unfulfilled, the biggest being Michael. For being this super hybrid who’s supposed to change everything the guy is basically a supernatural version of John Connor. Each movie tells us he’s a big deal while refusing to showcase how. Currently his daughter is stuck with that same thankless role unless the series totally reboots and forgets everything that transpired over these five films. If Hollywood ever needs it I actually have an idea on how to continue/expand the current story that I’m a bit proud of as the main twist is pretty insensitive.

    I’ve certainly prattled on long enough for today. Been fairly good at making time for all my various pursuits of late yet writing keeps falling behind. No more I say. As it stands there are articles on Ulraman, Candyman, new snacks, and a return to a long-dormant feature all in the works. Look for those all throughout February and beyond.

December 2021 Snack Report and the Value of Cheap Movies

 

During the hustle and bustle of the holiday season it’s not uncommon to let a thing or two slip by, perhaps leave a chore lagging behind, or maybe as an example totally neglect your blog for close to a month. Yeah, I’ll own up to it, what began as a selfish mission to recharge post Halloween led to a number of crazy weeks. Within the past week alone I’ve worked black friday retail, gotten two vaccines, seen plenty of snow, and had to endure a doggy house guest.. So yes I’ve been properly busy but with the holiday feeling growing like some sort of festive fungus I’d say it’s time to get back on the horse.

    November in itself was something of a prolonged blur if we’re being at all honest. What few distinct moments I can recall seem incredibly far off despite being just weeks ago. Among those snippets of consciousness are mostly shopping outings, meaning you’ll have to forgive this turning mostly into another snack report. It’s just that when days start to run together, the weekend where you find Christmas cereal has the best chance of sticking out. It’s not all sugary treats though so stick around even if you aren’t obsessed with novelty ice cream.

Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cake Ice Cream

    Speaking of novelty ice cream let’s talk about one of the absolute highlights of the season so far. This Wal-Mart exclusive was set to come out in November though yours truly found some before Halloween and while it’s initial announcement was exciting there was a bit of trepidation as the first news posts didn’t mention which company was behind this magical slurry. Once word broke that this was the work of Hudsonville, a prime Michgian ice cream brand, all worry washed away.

    If you’re on the hunt please remember that this is only available in pints, a marketing choice that’s probably for your own safety. The packaging is unmissable though with a bright red tacky holiday look calling back to a time when people were less obsessed with calorie counting or modern aesthetics.

    Digging into the goo reveals something that totally lives up to the name. This is a debbie Christmas tree cake turned into ice cream. Everything from the sprinkles, cream, cake, and that waxy stuff all blended with ice cream to create something astoundingly decadent. It’s pretty much flawless in every regard. If you see some, get it, horde it if you must. Build a temple in worship of it. Shit’s that good.

Elf on the Shelf Hot Cocoa Cereal

    For those who found the original elf on the shelf cereal to be a bit underwhelming, which… yeah it had problems, Kellog’s is looking to rope you in this year with a new secondary offering based on that most beloved of drinks, hot cocoa. The packaging still isn’t the best but I found the cocoa coloring is an improvement overall which translates to the cereal.

    Let’s be honest; as far as chocolate cereals go there are better options out there. That being said this is a fine translation of mass market hot cocoa to cereal form right down to the tiny, super dry, marshmallows. The texture, flavor, and effects on milk are generally pleasing. It’s been good enough to warrant eating the whole box. Nothing amazing, just solid festive fare.

Apple Pie Toast Crunch

    If approximating hot drinks isn’t your thing how about desert? The toast crunch line has broadened this year with Apple Pie and oh Christ is this somehow competes with little debbie ice cream for title of reason for the season.

    The presentation is alright at best with a solid green and Santa caps on all the lil toast crunch guya. Once you’re inside however the world changes. The smell is only a bit off from regulr toast crunch with a solid hint of fruit. The flavor is just amazing though. Somehow the texture even helps to maintain that concept of refreshing and sweet apple goodness. It’s good enough to be deserving of a year round position or at the very least returning every Christmas for all time. Absolutely outstanding.

Mtn Dew Gingerbread Spiced

    Not content to spend all their creativity on Halloween those folks over at Dew have brought us yet another new flavor for the yuletide. Rather than stick to something safe like a holiday punch they went straight to the baked goods section for a gingerbread soda. Don’t let the idea freak you out cause this is basically the closet dew has ever come to ginger ale and the results are pretty tasty.

    Gotta admit the packaging on this one is a little off due to the sorta pissy yellow tint on everything. Plus angry gingerbread men don’t scream refreshment quite like rocking apples or mysterious phantoms. Flavor wise we’ve got something worthwhile here. There’s a definite ginger tinge with a bit more citrus back-up than usual ginger ales.

    Upon first drink the thought occurred that this would make for an awesome float though that experiment didn’t totally pan out. In a float the flavor is greatly diminished making for something very smooth and sorta bland almost like a snow float which, while seasonally appropriate, isn’t the most satisfying. It did inspire me to make a float with the Kroger exclusive apple flavor which was quite nice.

Gingerbread Kit Kat

    Anytime Kit Kat unleashes a new flavor my brow instinctively flexes with suspicion. More than most brands Kit Kat can waver wildly between fantastic and downright gross. I’m happy to report these fall towards the upper end of alright. Initially there’s a waxy sorta candle-like flavor going on that doesn’t work. After you bite into it though and all the flavors start to properly blend these end up as a pretty decent treat. Not up to the level of Key Lime or Cinamon Kit Kats but a worthy improvement over past mistakes like pumpkin spice.

M&M’s Snowballs

    As someone who holds pretzel M&M’s in the highest regard this winter variety seemed like a good chance for the oft forgotten M&M to get some time in the spotlight. Unfortunately The white chocolate this brand uses doesn’t blend well enough with the pretzel resulting in a candy that shifts between being too salty or too sweet depending on the overall composition. They’re still edible but pretty lame and a major letdown.

    When not occupied with work, video games, board games, pets, chores, you get the idea, I like to work through a big pile of unviwed dvds & blu-rays. Sometimes that pile undergoes a growth spurt thanks in no small part to the dollar tree. During the pandemic I discovered a bounty of dirt cheap entertainment I’d sadly neglected for far too long. The excuse back in the day was just how many of those movies are crap, and indeed many of them are. Even so there’s plenty of good, great, or at least outright bizarre flicks to be found for less than the cost of a rental.

    This most recent haul lacks for much in the way of horror, maybe 3 titles in total, but the remainder is made up of some real special treats. Can’t tell you how long I’ve waited to see Kid Galahad, a movie that manages to house both Elvis and Bronson. There’s an early 2000’s western called The Claim with an absolutely bonkers cast of folks like Wes bentley and Milla Jovovich. Best of all is a classic of lazy Saturday afternoons, Men at Work. I know this movie is hated by many but I couldn’t tell you how often I sat through this one as a kid just enjoying the antics of Charlie and Emilio. We might have to talk about that one in detail somewhere down the road. First I gotta make the perfect setting for it, early Sat/Sun afternoon preferably with a nice selection cheese snacks and a small reason to feel smug. Could make for a fine piece of holiday therapy. You keep Christmas in your way and let me keep it in mine. Suppose this should mark a warning that if I’m your secret Santa there’s gonna be some dollar store flicks in your stocking.

    Well this wasn’t amazing, moreso since images won't work for some reason, but I’m back, that’s the important thing. It’s bee harder and harder to find writing time in recent months but I’d like to keep this place in fighting shape again. Plus I might find the lil spark that’s currently missing from my holiday mood. Heck, maybe’s it’s finally time to write about the night court episode with Santa and michael j fox. You’ve all been warned.

The ABCs of Horror: The Letter A.

 

Anytime you end up with a massive collection of something there’s a weird challenge in figuring out how to talk about it. Consider my horror movie collection, over 1200 titles as of this writing, and that’s to say nothing of the ones I still hope to own and the infinite sea of flicks I’ve just watched. Outside of very specific events like holidays or recent pleasant surprises it can be tough to narrow down a single topic. While sitting in the office, aka the bathroom, a totally arbitrary yet nifty concept floated into my head, let’s just talk about the collection one letter at a time. This opens the door for sharing favorite and shameful pieces of the collection along with some personal anecdotes and hidden gems. Let’s get started the letter A which denotes everything from haunted dolls to space bugs. It’s kinda odd that this letter is actually a fairly small chunk of the collection with B being roughly twice the size, and that being dwarfed by the likes of N or S. On the plus side that means there isn’t as much god-awful junk filling up the shelves and cubbies under this heading.

Best

I suppose it only makes sense to kick off with one of the most likely series to come to mind, Aliens. That’s no surprise really since the franchise is such a crucial part of horror fandom, film culture, just basic nerdom really. Everybody likes at least a couple of entries regardless of the rougher later installments like Prometheus. For my sake I believe my introduction to the series came from Fox 17 outta Grand Rapids. Back in the day that channel had some of the best programming directors in the business which makes their current line-up all the more depressing. Who the fuck needs 5 hours of morning news? Awesome movies airing at like two in the morning on a weeknight wasn’t unheard of and, along with weekend afternoon flicks, helped to build my early film loving brain. Since I’m getting way off track the point is I loved and still do love Aliens. I bought the toys, played video games, and honestly think the third entry is my personal favorite of the bunch.

So great was m fandom during the 1990s that it even became part of our holidays celebrations. Thanksgiving 1997 was an odd one to say the least. I was 12 at the time and went with my parents to visit my brother at his army post in upstate New York. It was the sort of turkey day with a buffet served by a hotel and mountainous quantities of snow. Being a holiday weekend there were some big new movies out there like cough, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. Or if you’re like my brood you sat down to digest pounds of gravy to the brown slimy antics of Alien Resurrection. In fact that may be the only movie I’ve ever watched outside of my home state. And yeah, I don’t care what you say, the movies a blast and I adore the newborn.

I’ve mentioned Amityville 2 more than a few times on this site as the meanest, scariest entry in the series. Really there’s not much to say about it except I realize I’ve yet to complete the Amityville retrospective. There’s like half an article just sitting somewhere on this PC. Consider this a reminder for me to finish and you to watch this second movie.

Arachnophobia was, for a time at least, one of my absolute favorite films of all time. Of course I was like 8 at the time and a lifetime of movie viewing has set it back quite a few spaces. Even so this killer spider flick probably held more sway over my developing brain than it should have. I already feared spiders so this just cemented that instinct even further. Likewise I took inspiration from the characters and that epic basement battle scene and turned my distaste for creepy crawlies into an all-out campaign against any arachnid foolish enough to set foot on our property.

Altered States is one of those movies where just the VHS case alone used to make me uneasy. Don’t think I even had a clue what it was about back then but I new it was supposed to be gross and it had that freaky cover. Once I finally sat down as an adult to brave the thing boy did I ever fall in love. Equal parts creepy and deep with an almost Lovecraftian outlook on the uncaring nature of existence. There’s just so much to like about it that I never want to spoil for you all. Seriously go track ti down.

Can’t forget a little international fare so let’s talk about Audition. I can never recall the name of this one movie review website in the early 2000s that did so much to bring a lot of awesome movies into my life with their recommendations. This place had me giddy for stuff like Donnie Darko and Lost Skeleton of Cadavra long before other folks even knew what they were. Audition was among those titles and just like them didn’t fail to live up to the hype. What made it better was the surprise of getting so much more than just a hyper violent thriller as this is also a great drama. It marked my first Miike movie and is one I really don’t revisit often enough.

There’s a few essential horror tales that aren’t necessarily that well known. Altered is an outstanding flip on alien abductions by having hicks abduct a spaceman, a very angry one at that. It’s been left to languagish on out-of-print DVD but I think it can still be gotten fairly cheap so go buy a copy. Alice Sweet Alice is one of those step up titles, not known to the average Sick and Jane but automatically a must watch for declared horror fans. Really excellent proto-slasher with plenty of criticism for religious dogma. Audrey Rose is just something I hold in high regard. Part of the wave of 1970s reincarnation stories that originated as a novel by Frank De Felitta before Richard Donner trimmed to work as a two-hour film. There’s some definite rough patches like repetitive dialogue and a child actor who isn’t quite up to the challenge of this role but the unique storytelling and performance from Anthony Hopkins make it all worthwhile. Oh god, how could I forget Alligator, one of the most well-written giant animal movies and one that’s criminally difficult to get these days. And even though it’s plenty well known I’d be remiss to cover the letter A and leave out Army of Darkness.

Worst

Of the bead flicks I’ve got in this section many are innocuous, easily forgettable tripe. Most of the “bad” stuff hails from ole black and white public domain fair that maintains at least a slim level of entertainment value like Attack of the Giant Leaches or The Ape. Probably the only one that really busts my balls is An American Werewolf in Paris. While not a massive fan of the original London outing I couldn’t resist the urge to buy this used Blockbuster copy of the sequel to have the full story. Nothing could have prepared me for this obnoxious half-baked rom-com sequel that’s so bad it’s hard to believe it’s actually real. Even the timeline of the film is off with the girl being way too old for when she was born.

Ya know how I mentioned the Aliens series had a few rough patches well we might as well talk about Aliens vs Predator: Requiem. While the first AVP gets a lot of flack it at least manages to be entertaining by condensing so much of the two franchises into one quick dose, almost like one of those pill meals we’re meant to have in some distant future. This second match-up is closer to a Critters sequel only not good. From lousy characters to abysmal lighting and an almost carbon copy ending of the second Resident Evil movie, weird considering Paul W. S. Anderson made the previous AVP. This thing is straight trash that somehow makes an alien/predator hybrid comes across as lame.

Wild.

If you’re somehow not tired of seeing the word alien in this artivle , guess what, I’ve got another in the form of the clumsily titled Alien Predators. Actually it’s got like half-a-dozen other titles but that’s the one you’ll find on the blu-ray. I first saw AP on THIS, a broadcast movie network that has sadly dissipated from my area. By all metrics of film production this is bad stuff but it’s the fun kind of bad stuff with weird dialogue and gross-out effects. The whole thing involves a trio of horny teenagers on an RV trip through Spain that come across village overrun with parasitic space monsters. Not only does that keep the budget trim but it lends a sort of zombie vibe to everything.

The Abominable Dr. Phibes is the first of two colorful and wild Vincent Price outings from American International Pictures. Each of them are a bit weird to get into with most of price’s dialogue being piped-in monologues along with robot band musical accompaniments though once you submit to the sarcastic cartoon aesthetic it’s quite a lot of fun. Thankfully both movies perfectly walk the line of being over-the-top while still being well-done and yet silly enough to still poke fun at.

The Alien Factor (thought I was done with aliens did ya?) marked my first ever exposure to the works of Don Dohler and man was I ever hooked. None of his films can ever be accused of being quality work thanks to all the hallmarks of piss-poor film-making. Lousy acting, tacky effects, bare-bones plots, slapdash editing, everything’s accounted for. Yet there’s this energy and sincerity that permeates Dohler’s work much like some kids backyard super 8 movie. Guy wasn’t out to change the world or spread a message. He just wanted to make some monster movies.

There are a few more oddballs floating around this section like American Gothic which was one of those videos you remember seeing at the store and wanted to see simply because of the cover. Then you grow up to find a funny thriller with some wild death scenes and all is right with the world. The Ambulance is a highlight of the back end of Larry Cohen’s career with a comic book writer played by Eric Roberts trying to reclaim his dreamgirl from an old ambulance that is snatching people off the street. Very dated with an exaggerated early-nineties style and some neat glimpses at Marvel Comics during the era with Stan Lee appearing as himself.

Alright, so there was a tour of the Letter A sans a few items. Admittedly I’m stretched for ideas at the moment with starting the new job and someone having the boneheaded idea to add another pet to the house (cause who doesn’t love more chores?). Oh and did I forget to mention I rescued my cat from the roof last night? Indulging in this trip down memory lane does have some piratical value in reminding me where everything is and why I collect all these things. Hopefully you enjoyed it and we can make latter letter recaps even better. Right now I either need a nap, some caffeine, or both. 

The Mighty Kong (1998)

 

    Among the many appearances of King Kong the least known are easily three straight-to-video animated projects. Two of those are related to the animated televisions series which we’ll come back to at a later time. Today I want to talk about the most infamous of that trio, the animated musical remake The Mighty Kong. Yes indeed folks, this is actually the second remake, making Peter Jackson’s the third. That’s a lot of retread for something that was pretty much perfect to begin with. While the 1976 version brought in a hefty dose of 1970s cynicism and the 2005 Jackson take indulged like a fat kid at Old Country Buffet, this late 1990s venture adapts the classic big ape tale in the manner of a Disney knock-off.

    Watching Mighty Kong one can’t help but ask why it was made in the first place. Giving a classic film the Disney animated musical treatment isn’t the worst idea but it seems wholly unnecessary when the original King Kong is pretty family friendly to begin with. Plus it’s not like it’s a movie known for boring kids, what kid doesn’t like giant Claymation monsters beating the stuffing outta each-other? This one actually has a slower pace than the original despite being notably shorter in length. Add in the absolutely terrible production quality and it’s hard to see how anyone thought this was a good idea. Some folks claim this was put together as a quick cash-grab in order to compete with the late nineties versions of Godzilla and Mighty Joe Young, two other flicks that also blew chunks.

    As someone who once made a couple cable access programs I can tell you that making television or film isn’t necessarily difficult, making it halfway decent is the tough part. Mighty Kong is a perfect example as it feels like every element of it was a first attempt. First off the animation is bad, we’re talking really bad. Like you can actually see the individual frames. Art design is bland, scale is off. Voice acting is sloppy, sometimes hard to discern, and on occasion I swear the actors don’t even have a script to work with. Each thing just has to do enough for this to function as something you can call a movie. Even the songs seem like a rough draft jotted down on a napkin rather than the real deal but we’ll come back to those.

    As with any of the other Kong remakes we gotta talk about how this iteration handles the core trio. Let’s begin with the top-billed Dudley Moore as Carl Denham. Moore’s take on the role is more of a silly blowhard than the loudmouth pitch man of the original or the skeezy oil man of 76. It’s the sort of role he could play in his sleep and just makes me think he’d would have been better off in full Arthur mode. Jodi Benson of Little Mermaid fame is the new Ann Darrow and yowza… this Ann sucks. She’s just an empty-headed goody two-shoes lacking any of the spunk of the original and even comes up short to Dwan in the brains department. Then we’ve got Jack Driscoll who can now be refered to as Blandy McBlanderton. Played by Randy Hamilton, apparently his last role as well, in a manner that reminds me of Tony Danza. His defining characteristics are beefiness and superstition towards women. Who could they possibly add to this legendary line-up of characters? How about Chips the monkey and Ricky the cabin boy. Yea this is yet another story suffering the producers insistance that kids need a kid character to identify with, cause ya know that’s why kids love superheroes, mutated turtles, and power rangers, it’s how easy they are to relate with.

    So what are the big differences for this take on the story? Not many really. Most of the broad stroke stuff is the same and many of the additions like Ricky & Chips hardly matter. Of the two biggest alterations the first is the songs, oh god the songs. For as slapdash a production as this thing is Warner Bros managed to bring on the Sherman brothers who were responsible for tons of classic Disney tunes to write the music for this. Despite the big names these songs are absolute rubbish with the only positive being that they’re also forgettable. Lyrics don’t rhyme, tempos don’t flow, and the audio is shoddy as all hell. Plus some of the lyrics stretch poetic license such as in the big love song when Ann and Jack delcaire things like “I’ve never met this man” even though they’ve known each-other for weeks. Weirder still is how someone like Jodi Benson who did so well in her Mermaid days is just screeching here. On the plus side the version I watched had a number of sound errors that created moments of questionable censorship.

The final augmentation is the ending. Seeing as this is a family picture you wont get to see Kong shot to hell by the military. The police listen to a suggestion from Denham that a giant net be suspended between two blimps into to catch the great ape. Things don’t go so well and the net rips spilling it’s living cargo down towards the street, with a quick pit stop to crack his neck against an outcropping. Everyone acts like maybe Kong can pull through with Denham declaring he’ll get the beast it’s own private island, then they do the whole “twas beauty what killed the beast” bit and Ann cries. Then Kong opens his eyes to glare at Chips and everything’s happy? I mean he’s horribly injured but still alive. Do they even make wheelchairs for giant apes? And least ye think I’m spoiling anything, that shit’s in the trailer.

So… yeah… that was The Mighty Kong. I’d hoped there would be more of note to write about but honestly this ranks among the lousiest animated pictures I’ve seen in quite some time. Let’s say you don’t wanna take my word for it though. Well that’s where things get tricky. Much like King Kong Lives this one has been buried with the old VHS tapes fetching inflated prices on the secondhand market. It is a bit easier to find through other avenues than Lives but it’s still another piece of franchise history that’s been swept under the rug. Makes me wonder if there’s someone out there who cherished this wreck as a kid and now hordes as many tapes of it as they can. If you’re that person drop me a line, I’ve missed psychological studies.

That’s all for tonight lads and ladies. With any luck we’ll get to talk about the remaining forgotten Kong Movies before the big guy takes on Godzilla again. Hopefully they’ll be far less painful than this one.

CosmicSparky's Journeys in Bollywood

 

Can anyone explain this graph?

Nearly every year I find myself expanding into a new interest. Sometimes these are just quick experiments with something that feels novel, like a brief run at Gunpla models, other times it becomes a full-scale aspect of life like tabletop gaming or the moped. The lock-down of the past year actually brought a couple of these to light, one being a massive immersion in classic game shows thanks to Buzzr, and the other was Bollywood cinema. In all fairness I’m using Bollywood as a catch-all for India’s massive film industry that encompass more languages and sub-cultures than I can even list. So while my knowledge of their culture is still in its infancy my appreciation for their movies has blossomed. Given what a wide and daunting subject this is I figured I’d share my journey thus far and perhaps encourage some of you pick out a movie to make your own first Indian fling. Hell; if this works out well enough it could even become a recurring thing.

Before we hop into the movies themselves I should probably talk about what makes Indian cinema unique and appealing, or unappealing in some cases. A lot of folks will point out the musical numbers or over-the-top action but for me it comes down to unpredictability. Not even trying to brag but the truth is I’ve likely seen more stuff than most people can even imagine, and with that metric ton of viewing comes the ability to predict a lot of weird shit. Bollywood stuff, much like certain anime or tokusatsu, can be really good at side-stepping expectations or offering twists no sane person would ever predict. Some of this is purely cultural. For instance you’d likely judge any movie that spends twenty minutes of its runtime on a totally unrelated side-plot yet that sort of storytelling is the norm for India. Making stories massive and varied, or bloated as we might call them, is just part of their approach. More than that however is the method in which genres and styles are mixed and matched. With the frequent and sometimes bizarre shifts in style and tone watching an Indian movie can almost feel like an investment. Your experience at the start is nothing like what comes at the middle or end. Stories can change from romance to tragedy and then take a twenty minute detour into action. It can come off as disjointed but holding in for the long-haul can produce some outstanding rewards.

Hopefully having made a case as to what makes these movies so special it’s time to trace my journey thus far. Along the way I’ll offer some quick observations and recommendations.

1920

Long before making a point of diving into this pool I’d dipped my toe in the water way back when writing for a certain horror site that shall remain nameless. The first entry in a franchise of haunting/possession flicks, 1920 is a fair gateway into Bollywood as it stand-steps a lot of the stranger aspects of their cinema. There’s only one musical number, the story is fairly linear save for a like 20 minute flashback. The scares aren’t half-bad either. What stuck out to me as the main issue back then was how this basic horror tale had it come from any other country would likely be 80 minutes long yet here was stretched out to 140. So while it’s not bad the whole experience is a little bland and far too long for how simplistic it feels.

Dhoom

I’d known of the Dhoom I franchise for well over a decade, routinely holding it in mind as a potential first step. It’s often recommended as an entry weight Bollywood flick given an almost reasonable length (just over 2 hours), and cheesy action movie tropes that earn it the reputation of Indian Fast & Furious, which is a bit unfair as I found far more fun. As for the actual quality of the film however… um.

The largest surprise Dhoom held for me was Bollywood’s shifting narrative style. While the poster is clearly selling a motorcycle action flick featuring tough guys and hot chicks the first half-hour is a relationship comedy between a cop, his main suspect and wife. As things move forward the wife fades out while the actual criminals take up more screentime. Then it becomes sort of a buddy-cop take on Point Break with occasional musical number before finally reaching the action movie we were promised. The experience is baffling, oftentimes idiotic, and a lot of fun.

Post viewing I had to wonder how this compared quality wise to other Indian films. The series is very successful and while I giggled like a child on a candy bender it was not what I’d call quality filmmaking. Was I wise enough to change gears for my next experiment? Hell nah, I turned on the sequel.

Dhoom 2

Dhoom 2 is somehow both better and worse than it’s predecessor in nearly every way. First off the film is bigger in every direction. Larger set-pieces, longer runtime, more characters, more plotlines, you name it. It takes all the inheirent silliness of the previous film and ramps it up even further. On one hand this can make it even more fun to watch. At the same time it can become an absolute chore to sit through.

Let’s be clear this movie was not made with subtly nor sensitivity in mind. Emotions are shouted, female characters are introduced via their anatomy, it’s all just noisy junk in both the best and worst way. In that sense it might be an excellent gateway for fans of Michael Bay. For those with more demanding sensibilities this will drive you nuts. If we’re being honest though… I sorta love it.

Fan

By my fourth time at bat I was enjoying the experience but wondered if any of these movies are what we’d actually call good. It was time to branch out with another notable highlight of Indian cinema, possibly the biggest star of them all, SRK. I’ve seen him referred to as Bollyood’s answer to Tom Cruise since he produces massive films where he’ll injure himself doing crazy stunts. Guy even has his own FX company so he can play different ages and heights. There was a lot to chose from however with everything from crime, superheroes, drama, but I went for his weird meta thriller, Fan. The discovery was that yes indeed some of these movies are actually good. Really odd, but good.

SRK plays a duel role as a movie star (big stretch) and his biggest fan who’s a total dead ringer. In an effort to meet his idol the fan impersonates the star, goes way out of line, and is then rejected by his idol. This shifts the narrative into a revenge thriller with the fan waging war against his nearly identical idol.

As always there are some weird moments throughout this film like the exaggerated action scenes that almost seem at odds with the otherwise realistic drama. Still the movie is surprising, well-made, and SRK is damn good at both roles. If my past three experiments hadn’t done it, I was now officially hooked.

Baaghi

My spirit renewed I felt it was time to check out another star. This one is still fairly fresh but has been largely dominating the action genre for years; Tiger Shroff. Dude won me over real quick. Baaghi is a pretty simplistic flick with a martial-arts love triangle. It’s the slow build from romance to action that makes it so much fun though. The early goings are the young stars making eyes at each-other and dancing in the rain whereas the ending stretch is Tiger and his lady kicking any ass that gets in their path. Add in some corny training montages and a henchman with ridiculous hair and you’ve got a solid night of entertainment.

Tumbbad

Having played around in different genres it was now time to check out my favorite kind of flick and see how India tackles horror. Man did I ever luck out cause Tumbbad is a damn fine scary story. The story is a little slower and dramatic, very much in the vein stuff like Hereditery or The Lighthouse if they weren’t terrible. I say that because here we have solid, not hysterical, proformances supported by consistent themes and interesting twists. The tale is unique as is the supernatural threat. Plus the production and camerawork are top notch and the runtime is less than two hours with no musical numbers to be found making this an easy sell for anyone wherry of such topics. Probably the best Indian flick I’ve seen so far, but not my personal favorite.

Purana Mandir

Seeing as all this experience had been made up of films from this century it was time to step back into the past while sticking to the horror wheelhouse. This one comes from the Ramsay brothers who are seemingly the kings of Indian horror. Talk about a total treat. There’s martial arts mixed with demons, romance, a comedic bandit subplot, and a crazy ear-worm of a score. It felt a little like Italian horror flicks from the 1970s and 80s only not so mean spirited. Feel head over heals for this one but obviously I only recommend it to those who like their movies on the crazy side.

Purani Haveli

Something of a follow-up yet Nowhere near the wonders of Purana Mandir, Purani Haveli uses the same setting and music as its predecessor. Unfortunately the damn thing simply lacks the spirit that made the previous Ramsay flick so much fun. I suppose that paints this as the first disappointment of my quest.

Dhoom 3

After a long break it was time to get back in touch with my boys in their currently final adventure, Dhoom 3. This one gets weird. A decent amount of it was filmed in Chicago and the movie makes great pains to show off the city which feels so odd for a Great Lakes person cause seriously, it’s just Chicago. With the shift in location comes an attempt at telling a more focused and emotional story, that takes three hours of our lives. There’s a major push at making a more high-end quality production but the trade off is the loose of some of that stupid Dhoom appeal and spirit. It’s almost like trying to follow up Point Break with Heat while still maintaining an air of silliness.

While nowhere near as entertaining as the first two it reminded me why I enjoy these movies so much when it took a plot twist I’d guessed in advance only to add an extra twist to that one that I’d never have expected. Let’s put it this way. There is a vital plot point involving the emotional manipulation of a mentally handicapped man at Six Flags. You can’t see it coming because normally polite society would never allow such madness. Glad I watched it but my sincere hope is that any potential follow-up returns to the outrageous nature of the first two. Should note this one has the most extravagant musical sequence I’ve encountered so far.

Baazigar

Remember when I said you should treat Bollywood movies as a long-term investment? Few movies are a better example than this early 1990s SRK outing. You may not be satisfied with the light romantic antics of the first hour that are only lightly colored by a hint of menace. Once you reach the hour and maybe ten minute mark the film changes completely to a violent thriller. And the ending... should I spoil it and say karate bloodbath? To think I nearly gave up on it after far too many love songs and poorly done comedy scenes about deranged servants. Glad I stuck it out cause the ending is absolutely nuts.

And those are my adventures thus far in the wild wold of Indian cinema. There’s still so much to take in from big classics like Sholay and Anand to major modern blockbusters like War and Saaho along with plenty more SRK projects. It actually feels a little overwhelming at times when struggling to decide which massive movie to turn on next but that’s a good problem to have. My hope then is that those of you feeling a little blue about might benefit from my experiences and find your new Saturday night thing.