Summer Junk

Howdy again folks. Nice to see ya. My day actually started at one thirty in the morning thanks to some wonderfully lackluster planing on my part. In short; long nights into early mornings spent editing books aren't ideal when one has a randomly scheduled day job to worry about. Still; there's been some fine progress on the professional front. The novel is over half way through it's first edit (there will be a second for grammar) and I actually got in some good work hours. At this right my birthday present to myself could end up being something more substantial than a bluray. With this odd sleep cycle don't be surprised if the article get's interrupted half way though by a nap.

Before we get going, here's a question. If you spend the majority of the work day inside, how the hell do you get a sunburned face? That's just so not cool.

Another odd thing to note. Ya ever have those moments where you could swear you saw someone in your hallway one second and gone the next? We get that at my house every so often. Whether you believe in ghosts or spirits, what have you, it just happens now and then. It's not anything terrifying, just a bit off putting. The other night though there was what looked like not an exact person but someone in a uniform, and I've only really known one person who wore that kind of uniform. Very odd experience to have when you're checking out ebay but I guess if it was them then I should thank em for checking in.

Limeade Oreo

Another specialty cookie so soon? Who'd imagine the generosity that Nabisco of all companies could bestow on us very bored types in the form of fattening treats.

Now before you run of in terror, mind reeling from the notion of a limeade cream cookie just remember that Oreo already has the long standing lemon variety which is very choice. These aren't all that different save for them having a bit more bite to back up the citrus flavor. That extra sting seals the placement of this cookie in my good with milk/coffee battle strongly in the milk camp.

So big surprise, another positive cookie review. Alright; it's tough to screw up cookies but these special ones are a nice change of pace. They provide that little element that can make another week of working & sleeping slightly more bearable than the last. What are you waiting for? Go pick some up from the store/ I demand that the first person with the balls to dip these in limeade tells me all about it.

 

Yard sale & thrift items.

After work I had to head out for a few errands and remembered that it'd been a few weeks since I last stalked the halls of any thrift stores. Didn't find much at the two stops but the one had half a dozen or so of these cheap photos wedged in glass that they sell at fairs & such. They have an actual name for em that escapes me right now but I remember Matt over on Dinosaur Dracula writing about them maybe...last year. Always thought they were kinda nifty but ebay prices can get out of hand so spotting some at the as-is store is a total win. Most were just nonsense. One featured the California raisins, which still look like something you'd remove with surgery. Yet scattered amongst the piles of junk was Rambo. Greased up, machine gun in arm, small bits of lightning summoned forth by his emotionally retarded fury. He just had to join my collection of misfit items like pickles the clown and Betsy the pumpkin girl. (note: somebody remind me to write about those poor saps sometime.)

On the way back home we stopped by a neighbors house that was running a charity garage sale for the lions club. Decent spread for a one of these though not much in my arena. Was tempted by the wall (yes, a wall) of audio books on display. However; ninety-five percent of them where cassettes. Did happen to come across a few regular books though.

 

Star Trek: Death in Winter

Since finishing Voyager last year there has been a distinct lack of new trek material in my diet. Every so often I've pondered taking up the books to provide that missing piece of entertainment. However; finding a good starting point is almost impossible. Multiple series all in progress, occasionally crossing over as well, and little proper information as far as guides. So what luck that this one picks up right after nemesis thous eliminating the need for any knowledge of book continuity. This will probably earns its own article once I've finished, but not before my other finds.

Night Frights and Ghosts Beneath our Feet

While my attempts at reading all of the original goosbumps have stalled multiple times, I can't pass up some cheesy nineties ghost stories for kids. Night Fright is an anthology that weighs in at all of 75 pages. That's one solid BM in reading terms. Ghosts Beneath our Feet appears to be a series not unlike Goosebumps though with a rather obvious focus on spooks. A bit meatier than the anthology but nothing too substantial. These should make for some nice booster reading (ya know. For those of us who keep lists.)

(insert nap time. Really doesn't count as a nap if it's more than 8 hours, does it?)

Trailer Park Boys season 6

OK, soooo this season kinda sucked. Most shows that run on this long stand the chance of losing the core elements that made them work in the first place. That kinda seems like the case here as most of the episodes come across as forced and heartless. It's not a total loss thanks to a few decent bits and one standout episode in “Where the fuck is Oscar Goldman” but nothing really gels here nor is there much in the way of a focused narrative. The whole thing is made stranger by the sudden happy ending for the season. Best I can figure is they thought this might be the last year so they just shoved in an everybody's happy ending without any proper build-up. Still like the show as comfort viewing but I really hope that year 7 and the various specials can pull off something better than this.

Haven't explained the picture at the top of the article yet. That is some dumpy old country bridge that's probably a good 8 miles outside my town. A friend took my bro-in-law & me out to it years ago and we all forgot where it was. As luck would have it, I came across the right online map with enough bridge info to finally track the thing down again. It's as bad as ever. Boards are falling out, large nests of something hanging off the rails, yet it brought a little levity to my night. Just something nice about those unique spots that host one specific memory, so I'm pretty proud to have found it again.

Believe it or not this post was originally going to contain more crap than this but we've covered enough for now wouldn't ya say?. Probably going to try an actual nap to readjust the schedule. I'll try to keep it in the 4-6 hour range this time. Ta!

Updates, Trailer Parks, and Cookies!

Now that's a show I wanna see.

Well folks, the short lived interconnected relationship between cosmicsparky and facebook is now a thing of the past. For the second time, that horrid website has been fled for the sake of this writers mental well-being and there is no intention of returning. You may be wondering what makes that site such a personal target and there are several factors. First is the main reason anyone joins it to begin with. We all want to stay closer to our friends and family, and yes such sites can make that possible, yet more often than not instead of feeling connected and surrounded by your people, you get reminders of how isolated and forgotten everyone is. A factor that is only multiplied when each individual is reduced to basic blurbs and interests as stand ins for their true personality. Really the only time you receive a benefit from using the site is when you baby sit it, and then you're missing out on actual life. Yet that hardly stacks up to the worst element of facebook. It attempts to make day to day existence into a cheap competition. Sure you may feel like sharing thoughts and feelings with your social circle, but not unlike a lame party you have to fight your way through the crowd, and hope someone notices. Whether people realize it or not, this alters the way they express themselves in order to get noticed in a dirty flood of random thoughts. It's especially sad as you watch someone write a post out of longing for companionship or understanding that would have been better served by something as simple as a phone call. In the end; the biennial or forgettable items win out over anything resembling true emotion which is treated as an inconvenience standing in the way of cat pictures. As an experience it is cruel and heartless, made all the more so by it serving as a lame stand in for proper companionship.

So fuck facebook. Ones outlook on life can be infinitely better without it clogging up the works. From now on it's only fully fledged self expression through the use of actual human interaction, and this place where ideas needing more than a single small paragraph can be fully expressed. If I ever feel the longing for something like a social networking site again, just remind me to send out a mass text. It's much more likely to yield comforting results.

Phew! So that's the updated status on the website for now. believe it or not there could be a full sized post about the bothersome nature of FB. But you fine people didn't show up to hear about how bad things can be. Nay! You wanna have some fun, so let's do just that.

Trailer park Boys season 4

Picking up were we left off. The end of season three put a slight twist on the formula as Julian, Mr. Lahey, and Randy were shipped off to prison leaving Ricky in charge of Sunnyvale. A friend mentioned that this was their favorite season, and seeing as they're an enormous fan I approached it hoping for some top notch stuff. No disappointments here as it contains what are possibly the two greatest episodes of the entire series. First up is “Conky.” This is the sampler platter of storytelling right here. Every key element of the show is on display in a tale about using a twisted old ventriloquist dummy to make Bubbles get a tooth pulled. Usually shows just earn some grins from this viewer but this one actually made me laugh. The following episode, “if you love something, set it free.” Doesn't let up either. In this tale, Bubbles rehabilitates a mountain lion that's hooked on dope. Both eps are just outstanding fun. Very little, if anything negative to say about this season. From a solid story arc to the garbage liquor known as swish, and even the legendary “samsquamch,” this a great, great season of boob tubage.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Oreos.

Oh yeah. These are real, and they are spectacular! Let it be known that no one, and I mean no one could ever sue Oreos for false advertising. If you were to take a Reese’s and place it in the center of two standard Oreo cookies it would taste exactly the same. They aced every detail. Right down to the almost captain crunch like resistance to milk. You may actually feel some guilt about the cruel drownings that these bastards endure as you hold them under the white surf in an effort to make them even slightly moist. It's candy wrapped in baked goods. If you have any inclination towards that sort of thing (and who the hell doesn't?) then grab a pack and just make a fat pig of yourself. No judgment here.

 

Trailer Park Boys season 5

Back to the show. There was a little worry jumping in to round five as this is usually the point where most shows start to get a little stale and lifeless. True to form this one does make a few stumbles but it holds up pretty well. The general storyline for this year is a bit more depressing with all the boys down on their luck living around the burned out husk of a trailer while they try to sell off a hash driveway piece by piece. A key misstep is the extra focus placed on Ricky's dad Ray who up to this point had always been a small time support character. He's played by one of the shows writers/producers and the guy's a good enough actor but Ray just isn't all that funny or interesting to watch. On the other hand, Julian is much improved this season as he trains Cory and Trevor like dogs and threatens mall cops at gunpoint for Bubbles. A major win has to go to season five for having the best finale so far. They successfully wrapped all the threads from previous episodes into a shoot out that featured most everyone banding together in defense of their shitty little trailer park. That's what makes this show work as well as it does. After everyone drives each other crazy, somebody usually bites the bullet for the greater good. It's a surprisingly positive outlook to come out of a show about low rent criminals. Like that picture up top, ya can't help but wonder how something like Game of Thrones would go if everyone climbed out of their ass, had a drink, and hugged it out. Maybe they'd realize nobody wants to sit on a pokey chair.

Strange to think that there's only two short seasons (and a handful of movies/specials) before getting up to speed on this beast. Easy to see why my friend laments the long wait for new content as this has become some true comfort viewing over the past month. Once it's wrapped up there's gonna be a gap for something to provide that same kind of feeling. Any suggestions to fill that gap folks? Maybe something with hot girls? Those are painfully absent in the Summer TV diet. Or how about talking animals that solve crimes? Perhaps we can combine both items. Like She Spies meets Wishbone. The furies will eat it up.

So I Finally Finished the First Season of Game of Thrones

Internet confession time! A few years ago my brother was on my case about watching the first season of Game of Thrones, which was the new kid on the block back then. I'm a big fantasy/Sci-fi dork so it shoulda been right up my alley, right? Wrong. A night spent marathoning the first 6 episodes left me bored out of my damn mind! What was the big deal? This is a fantasy show right? Something to do with adventure, magic, and broadly drawn characters. Not so much. Instead I was treated to a 6 hour Renaissance fair with occasional bouts of bloody violence. I had tasted the waters and was not satiated. Yet here I am, finally wrapping up the first season. Why, you may ask? Because I'm surrounded on all sides by the damn thing. My siblings like it. My in-laws like it. My friends like it. Hell! My dogs might even like it behind my back. Plus it gives me something to work on over the summer and then write about. Oh and GOT gets searched for a lot so maybe I'll up my weekly page views. Now let's do this on a pros and cons basis.

 

Something good/bad: It was easy to pick back up.

It was really easy to get back into the swing of things. I didn't have to look up anything special or consult episode guides to remind me of my place in the story. One could take this to mean that the show is very memorable. One could also take it to mean that nothing all that in-depth took place over the first six episodes. Let's call in a mix of the two. I know some stuff happened cause I can remember crippled kids, sword fights over cg holes in the floor, melting iron over someones head. It's odd for someone like me though who can forget what the hell happened over a month long break of some pretty monster show that there weren't any missing details to this tale after several years of my absence.

 

Something Personal: Where's the Fantasy?

Like I asked earlier. Isn't this supposed to be fantasy? Until the 9^th episode there's nothing to mark this as anything other than a remarkably inaccurate period piece. Nah, I should be fair. There was that ice zombie guy in part 8 but even that coulda been some kind of disease, not anything fascinating or magical. In the 9^th part we are presented with blood magic. It's supposed to be dark and scary annnnnd they don't show us anything. Within that same episode they also prep viewers for a grand old battle between armies. All human mind you but warfare is a large part of fantasy storytelling annnnnd they don't show it. The last scene of the season finale finally presents us with the most basic fantasy element; dragons. Just dragons. From what I know of future seasons the mystical bits start to take up more screen time but for now I am unimpressed. I list this as a personal issue rather than a con because I'm very demanding of my fantastical tales. I want strange races that populate every corner of the world. Magic spells, unique forms of transportation, the works. Some flying snakes and architecture with little regard for safety just ain't enough for this guy.

 

Something Good: Ned Stark

Time for a positive. Sean Bean. Dude can carry almost any scene he's in. Plus he gets to play one of far too few characters with any real moral backbone. This is used to turn him into a plot point though as the one man with scruples gets his nugget lobbed off. I've frequently obsessed over the concept of killing off what seems to be your leading man. It's a good trick to pull off on your audience and I respect the story for doing. Plus it acts as the catalyst for everything set to fallow. Good guy, good actor, points.

You've got it backwards kid. Close your mouth and open your eyes.

Something Awful: Jon Snow:

A few weeks back during my write up of the dark crystal I remarked on the long history of bland fantasy heroes. Well here he is folks and he's as interesting as a moist towelette. This is a double whammy thanks to both the character being a bland mouth breather and his actor fitting that discirption to a T. Think I'm being too cruel. Watch a few scenes from the second Silent Hill movie (just not the whole thing. Nobody deserves that kind of punishment). Sean Bean is also in that flick and while he's not even trying to give a passable performance, he still pulls it off. Kit Harrington on the other hand provides the best unintentional comedy I've seen in years. Every time the show switches to Snow I just start to blank out. There's nothing interesting about this whiny turd. His friend Sam thankfully makes for some decent parts but he has yet to receive anywhere near enough screen time to make up for his dullard buddy.

 

Something Good: Tyrion.

Ahhh the internet's hero. Tyrion shows off what the show is capable of accomplishing while also illustrating all of it's other flaws. Here we have a richly developed character played to his fullest potential. He's straightforward and crass. Tons of fun to watch. Naturally this means that every other person treats him like dog shit. Every scene with him is great, but it reminds you how much the other characters suck and how you don't want to go back to watching their plot lines.

 

Something awful: This Asshole.

With any production featuring a cast this large and varied there are bound to be weak links. However; Emilia Clarke is fucking horrible. I swear you can actually see Ms Clarke hold her mark in the set for fear of getting out of frame. She's stiff, corny, and oh christ the scene where she's wetting her huggies while Drogo makes a big speech is embarrassing to witness. I know I'm not the only person to have leveled these accusations at her and I'll cut her a break, her role sucks too. Like the portions with Jon Snow, I catch myself waiting for her scenes to end. This phenomenon is made worse by the editors usually bookmarking their parts next to each other for 8 straight minutes of pain. Her continued presence is going to make this show a chore for me. I really can't overstate how much I hate her scenes.

Something Good: Jorah.

The only thing that gets me through the Daenerys storyline is the prescience of Ian Glen. I swear he could eat cup noodles in a scene and not seem out of place. Yet again we have one of a small number of characters who actually has some honor to him. While everyone else is running about, making speeches about how fucking awesome they are, he just keeps it cool. If he was not around, I would skip the parts with Daenerys. Period.

And the Rest:

As you can probably tell I'm not in love with most of the characters. I'd say this is because I mainly want my entertainment to be an escape. There's assholes all over the world. Why would I want to watch a show that focuses on almost exclusively on their kind? Granted some of them like little finger and the unic can make the underhanded dealings seem fresh and fun. Yet for every part we get with someone like them we have to deal with people like the Stark family being absolute tits. Oh and let's not forget to mention the collection of women in the show. As someone attempting to finish my own novel, I've always found important spots for the girls in my stories. Not only can you get as much depth from them as the men but the influence they can hold as mothers, daughters, love interests, allows them to hold enormous sway over the tale. So they'd better be awesome people to read about. Yet every woman in this show is reactionary, flighty, and most are downright despicable. And I don't just mean the villains. The only one I don't actively dislike is Arya, and so far she just kind of stumbles from one situation to the next. Once again, I know I'm not alone here. There are plenty of articles about the woman of this show, several are flat out hate letters about Sansa. I don't know what the writers of this show think about chicks but they're aren't doing a good job presenting them.

Oh god! He's still making that cunting face!

 Sooo will I continue in my quest? I suppose so. I still don't get the love for this thing. It's not bad. I'll admit I actively watch shows that are worse. It's just that for every part I enjoy, there's something I hate just as much. Really I want to see the five or so characters I really like all meet up and go on a better adventure than the one I'm currently viewing. For now, I'll hold true to catching up with the rest of the world and waiting impatiently for the Neil Marshall episodes to pop up. You'll be seeing more of this my friends. Oh yes.

Summer Catch Up: Trailer Park Boys

Howdy again folks. I tell ya it's great to be back working on this site on a regular basis. I'll level with you fine readers. Life kinda had me stumbled there for a bit. Suppose it happens to all of us now and then. We maybe take on more than we can handle, forget our normal emotional levels, but it comes back to us eventually. I've seen it happen to the best of us but I really feel like I'm getting my balance back. Sure, I've still got worries, who doesn't these days? But I've got the confidence now to push those worries aside in favor of the good stuff. Speaking of the good stuff, how about some Trailer Park Boys?

 

With the regular TV season passed us, I've got at least five hours a week to plug into other endeavors. Yeah, I should probably spend them finishing up my novel (working on it) but who can resist the call of catching up on a few shows? Last year I made the mistake of taking on too many summer shows, hardly finishing any of them in the end. This year, the plan is to go with just a few shows with small seasons. Under most circumstances I probably wouldn't have gone with something like Trailer Park Boys. Nothing against comedies. In fact I watch a great deal of them. Just that when it comes to picking out individual shows I have a tendency to go eith more serious fare. However; some of my friends are fans, one being positively obsessed so this is one I took on in good faith. So far it's working out pretty well.

 

Season 1: Picking up right after the an original movie that I've yet to see (thanks to it basically being buried) We follow Julian and Ricky, two cons fresh from prison as they readjust to life in Sunnyvale trailer park. The show plays out in the fake documentary format as it follows the boys in their day to days adventures that usually involve getting plowed and/or steeling something. There's some good stuff in this first round of episodes but like so many first seasons there's just something missing. As far as I can peg it, the general tone just wasn't quite right yet. Often times these episodes come across feeling too serious and straightforward when they could easily benefit from a lighter tone. There's lots of experimentation in finding what characters and concepts would work for the show going on, most of which works out. It's short enough that I don't have a problem recommending it to people, but don't let this be your full impression of the series.

 

Season 2: Big Improvement here. First things first; more Bubbles! Second; More Lahey! These two were outstanding characters who spent far too much of the first season in the background. Bubbles in particular is not only the finniest cat in the show but provides a conscience for Ricky and Julian so they don't come across as complete dicks. Plus he really helps the focus change from two fuck ups trying to get by, to something more about a group of underdogs which makes it much more fun to get into. Possibly the best improvement of this second year is a more continuity based storyline. While the first season consisted of the usual episodic antics, this one flows from one to the next as the boys grow pot in an old trailer in hopes of selling it to the prison system. Also the sub-plot with Ricky befriending Lehays teenage daughter helps to round him out. The first season is good but this is actual quality viewing right here. 

 

Season 3: Progress and regression are the markings of season 3. The show gets to be even funnier than it was before, yet in the process of doing that loses out on the continuity driven approach from the previous year. This return to episode by episode antics also brings back the tonal issues from the first season. Most of them are great fun with bits like Bubbles rapping about “rolling with his kitties.” Something about the season finale just didn't work for me though. It seemed rushed and out of tune with the stuff that came before it.

I may not seem that into the show from my brief recaps. Truth be told it's not the kind of show I obsess over so much as it's comfort viewing. It reminds me of the King of the Hill reruns at 5:30 in the morning. Not something to base a day around but just some simple fun to cheer ya up after work is done. If you could use a show like that this summer, I say go ahead and let these Canadian boobs work their magic. Do be warned that you will get a craving for massive quantities of junk food like chicken fingers, chicken chips, peperoni sticks, the works. After more than two episodes, I'm usually primed to ram out on my scooter to the nearest gas station for some high-quality feed.

That's all for now my lovelies. For anyone who comes round these parts for the ToQger recaps; I plan to get back to them though they may be two for the price of one from now on. Otherwise look out for more TPB coverage. Working on giving Game of Throne another chance, some game reviews, and maybe another book review, Been too long since one of those. Peace.

P.S. Just noticed We're not far from getting 1000 page views. If anyone likes a particular article I've done then by all means give it a push and see if we can get up into the four digits.

So I finally watched The Dark Crystal

Every so often I like to dig up some piece of pop culture that for whatever reason has eluded me. Sometimes I walk away from the experience feeling positive that I've witnessed something important. Other times I marvel at humanities ability to over hype some real crap. Tonight it was finally time to watch The Dark Crystal, that's an early 80's fantasy puppet flick for anyone who doesn't know. Flicks like this one add an extra layer of difficulty it that they appeal mainly to people who saw it as kids. Watching it as an adult always snatches away a little charm. It doesn't mean a movie will suck, it's just harder to get into the spirit of things. I've dealt with this kind of thing watching Monster Squad when I was like 22 and Labyrinth when I was around...24 or 5. Adding to the pressure, this one, like Labyrinth is a big favorite for some of my friends who don't understand my hated of the magic dance. So the question is...do I like it? Let's find out.

We open in fairly standard fashion for an 80's fantasy flick. Dark clouds, large vistas, and a disembodied deep voice delivering the backstory. Many a moon ago, some asshole broke a big crystal which ended up spawning two separate species. The Skeksis are some sort of lizard/bird/rat hybrid who indulge in pretty much any and all nasty behavior from soul sucking to generally bad table manners. The other species are the mystics. Lumbering multi-armed dudes who perform some sort of magic throat fart every so often. I took this all in stride. Sure it's a little cliched but nothing bad. Then I caught sight of something I didn't expect. A goddamn naked puppet.

Turns out this budding sex offender is our hero. A young lad by the name of Jen....really? We couldn't use a guys name? Alright so Jen here seems to be the last of his kind since the Skeksis went all genocidal on his people to prevent a prophecy that one of them would repair the crystal. Of course his teacher/adoptive father happens to be dying that day and finally decides to let him know that saving the world is completely on his shoulders. Guess you wouldn't want to give him a complex by telling him too early. Before ya know it the kids off on a journey while the emperor of the skeksis also kicks the bucket which leads to a battle for the throne and, you guessed it, more puppet nudity!

I was approaching this one with an open mind but found it a tad off that the only themes in place by the 20 minute mark where deathbeds and birthday suits. Oh and then these dick bushels showed up.

 

Jen finds an old wise woman who reminds me of the crypt keeper in drag. She gives him the shard he requires for his quest before they all get attacked by big ass beetle people. Not joking when I tell ya that these are an inspired creation. They wouldn't be at all out of place smacking down with Godzilla. They're just some good old fashioned nightmare fuel for the kids.

 

So far I was enjoying myself. Things were moving along, and Jen comes to find out that he's still got a chance to bone up and repopulate his race when he meets Kira. However; the second third of the story really slows down to an unnecessary degree. This left me to ponder the issues with the movie. One is that there are several scenes that have little to no point. For instance the skeksis dinner scene eventually has a point to it, but not before we're subjected to a good 3-4 minutes of how glutinous they are. It seems a moot point to show them as disgusting and cruel when we already know they're the villains. Also I started to take up a big issue with Jen. Fantasy stories have a long history of dull/lifeless heroes but this kid take the crown. Seriously! He's a walking sleeping pill. Plus he's damn near useless. He talks about how his master taught him about words and math but this knowledge comes in handy all of one time.

I liked this part better when it was rainbow connection.

 

Once our heroes arrive at the dark palace things start to pick up again with fighting and backstabbing. Yes I mean that, someone actually gets stabbed in the back. A few threatened character deaths and some mysticism, and before you know it the crystal is repaired causing the two separate species to merge into floating heads of cauliflower. These guys then report that in a moment of arrogance they broke the crystal, which caused them to split into the two different creatures. Now hold up! Everybody makes mistakes sure, but how many of those lead to a thousand years of misery and genocide? Ya can't just say “opps, sorry bout that” and then fly away. Anyway, Jen gets his lady love back from the brink of death, the land is green and fertile again, it's over. Spoiler alert?

 

I may sound like I didn't enjoy myself but I really did. Like other movies of this type I'm sure I would've enjoyed it more as a kid but it was decent entertainment. The production is great, there's good art design all around, and it's a pleasure to see something like this made entirely out of physical effects. I do wish I'd watched it when I had a little more energy cause it is kind of a sleepy movie. It's not going to join my collection anytime soon but at least I know it's a decent little flick. Honest recommendation is check it out, preferably with someone who really enjoys it since their enthusiasm might rub off on ya.

Godzilla All in a Row part 3

Another stretch of busy days has gone by only to now leave me stuck indoors thanks to some of the most lame ass weather I can imagine. Seriously, Michigan either storm or don't. This constant piddle fest is annoying as fuck. Still; I have a big reward coming my way as my friends & I prepare to take on the latest adventure from our favorite emerald city stomper. With that in mind let's get on to the third and final installment in our Godzilla recap series. Get your popcorn ready and settle in for the big finale.

Godzilla vs Space Godzilla

Total disclaimer here: The common point of view is that this is a terrible movie but I honestly liked it. Some of the G-cells that were scattered into space from the battles with Biollante and Mothra merge with a being to create Space Godzilla who makes a beeline for Earth so he can absorb the planets energy. Meanwhile the government has employed the psychic girl Miki ( a recurring character since Biollante) to attempt mind control over Godzilla. Ohh, and I can't forget that the defense force also replaces the destroyed Mechagodzilla with a new robotic warrior named Moguera. This feels like it was meant to close out this second sequence of films with all the references to past outings and the increased threat level that Space Godzilla presents. Even using Miki as the main character after several movies with her just offering support feels like the final chapter of a bigger story. Lots of good action and an eventual understanding between atomic monster and psychic girl make for what I consider to be a superior adventure.

Godzilla vs Destoroya

If Space Godzilla was the final part of the second series, this was made to be the proper ending to the franchise as a whole. Godzilla is dying a slow and violent death. His atomic core is overheating and soon he'll explode in a catastrophic disaster. While this is going on, the weapon called the oxygen destroyer that was used to kill our favorite monster in the first movie has been rediscovered and it's melded with tiny microbe organisms. These critters evolve, growing larger in both size and number, eventually merging into one giant bastard. Godzilla's condition changes so that he might meltdown into the core of the earth, thous destroying the whole planet. Everyone decides that the only way to stop doomsday is to let Destoroya finish off our favorite monster in the hopes of preventing the meltdown. By this point, Baby has evolved basically into a teenage zilla and gets dragged into the fight, seemingly dying before his fathers eyes. A combination of Godzilla's rage and human ingenuity wipes out Destoroya before our big guy finally bites the big one. Before he died he was able to pass on enough energy to his son to fully revive and mature the young monster, giving us hope of one day seeing tokyo getting squashed again. Another entry that is more action than story, it's still a fine time. Give it a shot.

Godzilla (1998)

Toho put the big dude back into retirement after the last flick which allowed Hollywood it's chance to take a shot at Kaiju flicks. In pure American blockbuster fashion, we fucking blew it! Instead of giving us the more serious style of the original film or the joyous monster battles the franchise had earned a reputation for, we got a big hermaphroditic iguana battling Ferris Bueler while Leon the professional complains about American coffee. A horrid pile of shit that's made all the worse once a stockpile of zilla eggs hatch, releasing the laziest batch of Jurassic Park rejects you've ever seen. Keep far away from this stinker.

Godzilla Millennium (AKA Godzilla 2000)

After witnessing America absolutely bomb at its efforts, Toho decided it was time to bring the big green bastard back for a third series. Yet again we're following up from the very first movie and ignoring everything else that had been produced. For his return we're given a very straightforward and basic tale about an old UFO that steels the big mans genes to become Orga. That's about it. This is both the movie's greatest weakness and strength. Sure it's simple and predictable but it's also comforting like a blanket. Maybe give it a shot.....or don't. Doesn't really matter.

Godzilla vs Megaguirus

Not really sure if this one is supposed to be following the events of Millennium or not. It's another fairly light story about the government trying to make a black hole weapon to destroy Godzilla. In the process they mutate a bug into a giant flying menace. In truth this wouldn't be that bad an entry but the special effects and monster battles are really lazy for some reason and it robs the movie of a lot of fun. There are a few nice touches here and there but nothing that can save this one from being anything other than plan old dull.

Godzilla, Mothra, and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack

Now this is more like it! Once again using only the first film for background we find a revived Godzilla that is possessed by the spirits of all the soldiers that died during World War II. Mothra, King Ghidorah, and Baragon (who got left out of the title) are ancient guardians summoned to protect Japan from this supernatural beast. There's a ton of story and good characters lifting this one up to some real heights. Sending it over the top are some truly excellent battles and miniature effects. Seeing some of the old ideas get changed up also makes for a good deal of fun. I mean, no one expected to ever see Ghidorah as a hero. Despite the weirdness of the whole dead soldier spirits thing this is the benchmark for Godzilla who is in fine form as a full-on villain once again. A true must see for anyone interested in these movies.

Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla

With Another series comes yet another Mechagodzilla, this time known as Kiryu. Yet again we are meant to ignore all other sequels for this story of a girl hellbent on revenge. She becomes a pilot of Kiryu which is actually built around the bones of the original Godzilla. Of course that's a terrible idea and before you know it, the soul of the long dead beast is reawakkend inside the robotic shell. There's some effort at being a character study but it never really pans out. In fact the whole movie sort of sputters to a close without really finishing anything up. Plus the fights are a bit on the boring side. A middle to lower teir flick for only the more hardcore fans.

Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S.

Following up on the previous amth-up we switch focus to one of Kiryu's mechanics who is warned by the Mothra twins that Godzilla keeps coming back to attack Japan because they used the bones of the older one to build their dumb robot. Instead of dealing with a flimsy revenge story we get something that's more about a slacker who finally gets his chance to shine. Combo that with some very nice monster fights and you get some fine entertainment. The biggest accomplishment here may be Mothra and her larve actually being kinda cool for once. Upper level flick that makes for a decent night of entertainment.

Godzilla: Final Wars

The 50^th anniversary of Godzilla was fast approaching and the producers saw that as the perfect opportunity to give him one super-sized birthday party before sending him back into retirement. There's a huge cross sampling of nasty beasts from the franchise scattered throughout this adventure including big name favorites like Rodan down to low rent baddies like Kumonga the giant spider. Best of all, the American imposter from 98 shows up only to get his ass laid out in record time. Lots of folks complain that this one just doesn't feel like a proper Godzilla movie and to some extent that's true. Overall this is just a really over the top action movie that rips off bits from other flicks without an ounce of shame. Even so it's an awesome time with cool action and doofy overacting that provides a great deal of fun. Most importantly it shows Godzilla as a total bad ass who never takes more than a few minutes to waste his enemies. Lots of fun and a solid entry for anyone who wants to cradle their head and laugh at the onscreen madness.

Godzilla (2014)

More than likely I'll give this one a proper post of its own once I check it out. Most of the early press is good though my sister caught an early screening and claims its awful. We shall see, Kimmy, we shall see.

And there it is folks. Hopefully all three parts of this handy guide will help you pick out a few special entries to boost your monster movie lexicon.

Godzilla All in a Row Part 2

Phew (wipes brow). It's been a decent bit, hasn't it? Yes indeed, kiddies I have been busy of late. Within the past few days I have accomplished over half of my goals for the entire month of may. Not to mention possibly getting a job and having some fine times with friends & family. I hope you'll forgive my bragging. Honestly it's a rare treat in life to be this satisfied with ones own progress and personal standing and I'd feel remiss not to give that feeling a shout-out.

Of course what most likely brought any of you here was a shoddy web search for monster movie information and I have no intention of disappointing you with my own personal details. So pop a squat and join me for another wave of Giant lizard mayhem.

Godzilla vs Hedorah

After the abomination that was All Monsters Attack there was a severe need for a fresh perspective. As luck would have it, a new director was brought into the franchise who spiced up the sagging series with one of the wildest entries around. From psychedelic musical numbers to hippie camp outs and even multiple animated sequences this one never fails to surprise. Chief among its triumphs is Hedorah himself. Made entirely out of pollution and mock this is possibly the most evil son bitch to ever face off against the big G. Hedorah kills people by the score, never lets up, and proves to be a nasty adversary. He's such a nuisance that Godzilla actually resorts to tearing the evil bastards balls out. Absolutely nuts and a fine adventure that any giant monster fan should check out. Two bits of trivia on this one. It is the only film in which Godzilla can fly. Also it's director, Yoshimitsu Banno was reprimanded by the producers and told that he would never direct for Toho again, let alone touch Godzilla. Banno is now the producer of the new movie so I'd call that a win.

Godzilla vs Gigan

This one attempts to follow in the wild style of its predecessor but just doesn't have the strength to pull it off. The plot revolves around a Manga artist and his karate kickin girlfriend as they try to stop a mysterious group from overtaking the world with their evil theme park built around a laser blasting zilla statue. Sounds like it should be fun right? Well sometimes it is, just not enough of the time. Lots of monster footage is recycled from earlier films (a practice that had begun a few entries before) and there's a general lack of energy. One standout bit is the part where the bad guys are revealed to be giant cockroaches from outer space. Even that isn't enough to save this from being totally skipable.

Godzilla vs Megalon

Ask as many Godzilla fans as you want and you'll get one of two answers about this one. A: It's the worst thing to ever feature our favorite emerald lizard. Or B: It's so amazingly stupid that it boarders on genius. I lean more towards the B camp overall. The story is about a subterranean race that releases their monster supreme, Megalon upon the surface dwellers...and I think they enlist Gigan somehow to back him up. Meanwhile a renowned scientist and his crew of flunkies find out about the evil plot from below and get drawn in along with their super robot, Jet Jaguar who is just a really creepy Ultraman knockoff. Lacking much in the way of subtlety or common sense this one drifts from one goofball moment to the next. I'd tell most of you out there to skip it unless you're in the mood for something so lame it's wonderful.

Godzilla vs Mechagodzilla

You'll have to cut me some slack on this one as it is incredibly similar to the movie that follows which creates kind of a blending effect in my mind. After years of being a good guy, Godzilla suddenly takes up his old hobbies of murder and terror. People are in shock until another Godzilla shows up to fight the evil one which is revealed to be Mechagodzila. Ol Mecha was created by a race of space apes in order to overrun the earth. Of course those dumb monkeys don't plan on the original king of the monsters to enlist a little help from the mystical King Caesar. Can't say as I remember much but I know it was a good one. Good enough that this match-up ends up appearing multiple times over the history of these films. Wouldn't say you have to watch it but it couldn't hurt.

Terror of Mechagodzilla

A rematch so soon? Picking up right after the last one we have more monkey men working with a scientist to rebuild mechagodzilla while controlling new contender Titanosaurus. As I said before, this can blend with the previous one fairly easily so forgive me if I completely mix things up. From what I recall it is a bit better than the first match-up against the mechanical monstrosity thanks in part to a more emotional bent. Of course I could have some rose colored glasses thanks to this being the last one I had to watch in order to finish the franchise. The ending where Godzilla marches out to the ocean marked an accomplishment for me and the end of the original series. A solid adventure. Give it a shot.

The Return of Godzilla (AKA Godzilla 1985)

After almost a decade in exile Toho decided to return the big brute to his rightful place in the world. In a move that modern Hollywood would just love, this one is a direct continuation of the first film, ignoring all the sequels that came in between, thous beginning the Hesei series. Similar to the first flick there are no other monsters for the big guy to fight. It's just a simple classic giant monster slaps shit down event. Haven't watched it in years so what made it special is tough. Still; I remember it being good easily digestible fun that makes decent entertainment. Check it out if you can but be aware that it is extremely difficult to get your hands on, especially in it's proper Japanese form.

Godzilla vs Biollante

After letting a few years pass it was time to continue the big dudes new adventures and introduce some new threats. Biollante is a marvelous creature to behold. The product of supernaturally infused roses and Godzilla DNA known as G-Cells this towering she beast is downright freaky. The G-cells later become a recurring element to this second series as does a psychic girl who tries to connect to Godzilla. There's already a lot to like here thanks to all the new ideas but what really makes it shine is that the human story is truly entertaining to watch. There's international espionage, twisted experiments, and threats of mankind getting too big for its britches. An outstanding kaiju movie for anyone interested.

Godzilla vs King Ghidorah

Ohhhh boy. As if the reset continuity from a few movies back wasn't bad enough, they bring in time travel to screw things up a little more. So some folks calling themselves the futurians show up with a plan to prevent Godzilla from ever existing. They take some of our people back in time to remove a dinosaur known as a Godzillasaurus from an island that was destroyed by an atomic blast. They also dump off a few lil creatures in his place. Arriving back in the present the futurians use King Ghidorah, who formed from the small critters. To subjugate Japan because it becomes too powerful in the future. Little do they know that the island they moved the dinosaur to was the resting place for an atomic sub so Godzilla still exists! Did I mention that King Ghidorah becomes Mecha at one point? Or the freaky android dude? Or how about the weird flirtatious relationship between a modern guy and a future girl who later reveals herself to be his granddaughter? Convoluted, messy, but still pretty fun. Maybe check it out if you have the time.

Godzilla and Mothra; The Battle for Earth

Keeping it simple......this movie sucks balls. Turns out there's another version of Mothra named Battra who chooses to destroy humanity because they've become too much of a threat to the Earth. That's about as in depth as the story gets. This thing is just boring and preachy with the soundtrack being it's only redeeming quality. I don't want any of you fine folks suffering through this dull excuse for a monster movie. Stay away!

Godzilla vs Mechagodzilla II

After the boring mess that was the battle for earth it was time to revisit a few more nasties. Rodan, Mechagodzilla, and even Manilla (now called baby) all return. There's lots of city crushing action but very little in the way of story. We do learn that the king of the monsters has a secondary brain in his hips....so that's something. A lot of folks consider this to be a superior entry in the series but I find the lack of a decent story makes for a lackluster time. You could check it out but I wouldn't recommend it.

That's it for the second part of our countdown. Come back next time for the end of the second series, all of the third, and the horrid All-American abomination sandwiched in between. Peace!