Monday, June 24, 2013

Dr. Brown's Cork Ball Fiasco: The Blogger Edition

Welcome everyone to this writers' second attempt at a blog. Believe it or not, I started an account over on wordpress just a few week ago and almost immediately regretted the decision. Thanks to that sites comical lack of proper functionality I've decided to swing over to the blogger shore.
If you're wondering what you've stumbled onto I'll give you a quick heads-up. I'm an aspiring novelist who occasionally needs a brake from writing about superheros, ancient evils, and interdenominational travel. Thous I've started this as way to provide a small place for me to prattle on about comic books, snack food, horror movies, odd crafts, holiday novelties, and how great Charles Bronson is. I mean seriously, how great is Charles Bronson?! You can't tell me, can you? There's no answer vast enough to explain the Bronson. Well without further dawdling, let's revisit my first entry from my previous blog.
Recently I've taken a small interest in upcycling. Not because of any concern for environmental issues so much as to harness the power of all the booze waste from my house. See there's quite a number of proud drinkers around here and some time ago I started keeping bottles, wine corks, and the like in the hopes that I would figure out some grand design for them. Of course my patience quickly wore out and I searched through page after page of crafts before settling on a cork ball as my first project. In case you're wondering what the point of a cork ball is, you're in luck as I've already dealt with that query well over a dozen times. The point of the cork ball is to be a cork ball. If that answer doesn't work for you then I guess you're looking for far more out of life than I am.
The items needed for this little item are wine corks (natch), a Styrofoam ball (size is left up to you), brown paint (oddly enough I had this lying around), and a glue gun (ditto). One huge oversight on most of these craft pages is that while they will walk you step by step through the creation process none of them told me how many corks where used on each size of ball. Yes, you'd think that would be the first thing to cover but apparently extra crafty folk hang out with even more full time alcoholics than me as the supply chain was no problem for em. However; I had faith in my large stash of corks and selected a five inch foam ball for my attempt......big mistake.
The first step is to paint the ball either brown or black so the spaces between corks weren't so obvious. This is actually more difficult than you'd imagine as your paintbrush will bring back small bits of foam after every stroke. I wasn't one to let this small hiccup impair my enjoyment, so I made myself a temporary friend.
Now no one can say I haven't met the Pringles man.
After applying the last bit of paint, I discovered an extra item that should be included in the project. Call me suggestible but the entire time this thing was drying, I couldn't get my mind off of cocoa-puffs. Seriously; if you ever decide to make one of these things, get a box of puffs lest you spend your night ogling Styrofoam with a hungry gleam in your eyes.
The next night, I dug out the old glue gun from one of the many neglected storage bins in the basement and got to the task sticking the corks in place. You're supposed to start with a line all the way around the center of the ball, then fill in one of the sides. That's all simply and good, but you'd be surprised how quickly 39 corks disappear. That was it. I was out of ammo, and not even half way done. Instead of some grand decorative spore, I was left with something akin to the pig farming cousin of the Planet Hollywood logo. I have labored on it sense, only to find that even a total of 62 corks is not enough to fill out one side. It's been said that long term goals are the most satisfying, though I doubt anyone spouting that philosophy ever considered 7 dollar crafts as a goal.
Given my failure in the crafts department, I decided to nurse my wounded ego with Dr. Brown's Cel-Rey. If you've never had the pleasure of encountering this nectar, then I an sorry for your loss. Granted the idea of a celery flavored soda sounds revolting, but this is some choice shit all around. It really is the kind of thing that grows on you over time, not in a bad, zit like way, more like a fine beard which is fitting as it reminds me of a strange lumberjack's attempt at homemade Mountain Dew.
Cold celery pop in hand, I settled in for a viewing of Bad Moon. A goofy little flick about the conflict between a kids dog and werewolf uncle. Simple enough movie but I swear you haven't lived until you've seen Michael Pare piss on a doghouse.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've just been informed of an ad for a local car dealer that begins with a tightly focused shot of horse shit. This I gotta see!