Every so often I like to dig up some
piece of pop culture that for whatever reason has eluded me.
Sometimes I walk away from the experience feeling positive that I've
witnessed something important. Other times I marvel at humanities
ability to over hype some real crap. Tonight it was finally time to
watch The Dark Crystal, that's an early 80's fantasy puppet flick for
anyone who doesn't know. Flicks like this one add an extra layer of
difficulty it that they appeal mainly to people who saw it as kids.
Watching it as an adult always snatches away a little charm. It
doesn't mean a movie will suck, it's just harder to get into the
spirit of things. I've dealt with this kind of thing watching Monster
Squad when I was like 22 and Labyrinth when I was around...24 or 5.
Adding to the pressure, this one, like Labyrinth is a big favorite
for some of my friends who don't understand my hated of the magic
dance. So the question is...do I like it? Let's find out.
We open in fairly standard fashion for
an 80's fantasy flick. Dark clouds, large vistas, and a disembodied
deep voice delivering the backstory. Many a moon ago, some asshole
broke a big crystal which ended up spawning two separate species. The
Skeksis are some sort of lizard/bird/rat hybrid who indulge in pretty
much any and all nasty behavior from soul sucking to generally bad
table manners. The other species are the mystics. Lumbering
multi-armed dudes who perform some sort of magic throat fart every so
often. I took this all in stride. Sure it's a little cliched but
nothing bad. Then I caught sight of something I didn't expect. A
goddamn naked puppet.
Turns out this budding sex offender is
our hero. A young lad by the name of Jen....really? We couldn't use a
guys name? Alright so Jen here seems to be the last of his kind since
the Skeksis went all genocidal on his people to prevent a prophecy
that one of them would repair the crystal. Of course his
teacher/adoptive father happens to be dying that day and finally
decides to let him know that saving the world is completely on his
shoulders. Guess you wouldn't want to give him a complex by telling
him too early. Before ya know it the kids off on a journey while the
emperor of the skeksis also kicks the bucket which leads to a battle
for the throne and, you guessed it, more puppet nudity!
I was approaching this one with an open
mind but found it a tad off that the only themes in place by the 20
minute mark where deathbeds and birthday suits. Oh and then these
dick bushels showed up.
Jen finds an old wise woman who reminds
me of the crypt keeper in drag. She gives him the shard he requires
for his quest before they all get attacked by big ass beetle people.
Not joking when I tell ya that these are an inspired creation. They
wouldn't be at all out of place smacking down with Godzilla. They're
just some good old fashioned nightmare fuel for the kids.
So far I was enjoying myself. Things
were moving along, and Jen comes to find out that he's still got a
chance to bone up and repopulate his race when he meets Kira.
However; the second third of the story really slows down to an
unnecessary degree. This left me to ponder the issues with the movie.
One is that there are several scenes that have little to no point.
For instance the skeksis dinner scene eventually has a point to it,
but not before we're subjected to a good 3-4 minutes of how glutinous
they are. It seems a moot point to show them as disgusting and cruel
when we already know they're the villains. Also I started to take up
a big issue with Jen. Fantasy stories have a long history of
dull/lifeless heroes but this kid take the crown. Seriously! He's a
walking sleeping pill. Plus he's damn near useless. He talks about
how his master taught him about words and math but this knowledge
comes in handy all of one time.
 |
| I liked this part better when it was rainbow connection. |
Once our heroes arrive at the dark
palace things start to pick up again with fighting and backstabbing.
Yes I mean that, someone actually gets stabbed in the back. A few
threatened character deaths and some mysticism, and before you know
it the crystal is repaired causing the two separate species to merge
into floating heads of cauliflower. These guys then report that in a
moment of arrogance they broke the crystal, which caused them to split into the two different creatures. Now hold up! Everybody
makes mistakes sure, but how many of those lead to a thousand years
of misery and genocide? Ya can't just say “opps, sorry bout that”
and then fly away. Anyway, Jen gets his lady love back from the brink
of death, the land is green and fertile again, it's over. Spoiler
alert?
I may sound like I didn't enjoy myself
but I really did. Like other movies of this type I'm sure I would've
enjoyed it more as a kid but it was decent entertainment. The
production is great, there's good art design all around, and it's a
pleasure to see something like this made entirely out of physical
effects. I do wish I'd watched it when I had a little more energy
cause it is kind of a sleepy movie. It's not going to join my
collection anytime soon but at least I know it's a decent little
flick. Honest recommendation is check it out, preferably with
someone who really enjoys it since their enthusiasm might rub off on
ya.
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