Tales from the Darkside may not have
the pop culture cache or star power that Tales from the Crypt
flaunted but it had low budget heart. Like it's more popular
competition, it also spawned plenty of lame duck episodes. When it
got its shit together though the result was some outstanding TV.
With Christmas starring us right in
the eye, let's take a trip to a place that is “just as real, but
not as brightly lit” for some yule tide misery.
Monsters in my closet stars a creepy
young Seth Green as Timmy. Tim's a pretty standard weeny. He collects
stuffed animals, doesn't have many friends, and lets mommy sing him
to sleep at night. He's fine with who he is but his step-dad sure
aint. Biff is a full time nutsack. Every second with him is about
beer, football, guns, and old sea chanteys. And we all now nothing
says manly like musically inclined sailors. Biff only has one
discernible goal in life, to man that boy up.
At the start, the gab between Timmy
and Biff isn't too much of a problem. They have at least one awkward
conversation per day while the mom continues to tell each of them to
give the other a chance. Frankly I don't understand Biffs'
persistence. Couldn't he just give the cold shoulder like any
emotionally abusive step-father?
Things really start to get out of hand
on Christmas. Biff gives Timmy a toy machine-gun which the kid feigns
just enough interest in it until mommy gives him this giant stuffed
Panda of his dreams. Normally, I wouldn't judge the kid as I once
saved up thirty clams for a stuffed tiger that totally kicked ass.
However; Timmy's panda is scary as all fuck!
It's about this time that various
monsters we've only briefly glimpsed before decide to go after the
poor kid. His collection if tormenters include a troll guy that lives
in the closet, an octopus under the bed, and a buzzsaw. Now let's
make it perfectly clear that I don't mean some kind of chopping mall
style killer robot, it's just a big round saw blade that rolls across
the kid's room at full rotation. These creatures send Timmy into a
tizzy that naturally makes his step-dad act like an even bigger dick.
Eventually Timmy overcomes his fear of
the monsters since, let's face it, they're not as bad as the drunk
guy who bitches about him every night. We've got some symbolism going
here folks and we're about to add to it. After getting in a fight
with Biff where the kid tells the old man how him and his mom are
strong and Biff's a weakling, the kid proceeds tell those spooks
what's what. All that yelling leaves him in need of a trip to the
thunderbucket where he encounters a new one in the guise of a witch.
His resolve suddenly lost, Timmy tries to go to the other bathroom
which Biff isn't having. The guy follows Tim back to his room for a
good old fashioned whooping. He never gets to strike the kid as the
witch and her minions descend on the poor bastard.
Biff's death is blamed on a heart
attack no matter how much Timmy tells everyone that the monsters did
it. The last shot is him being sent to his room which now has a sign
warning of monsters.
This isn't one of those stories that
really has much to do with Christmas, but it benefits from taking
place during that time. Like many other Darkside tales, there's a lot
of stuff that could be built on. Like what the hell happens next?
Will the monsters come back for Timmy? Are they now his servants who
dispose of anyone that displeases him? Where they real, or some
psychic projection? You can't deny how the timing of the witch
appearing after Tim defends his mother. That's part of the charm to
these shows though, you're not meant to fully understand so much as
piece things together and maybe even create your own wrap up. I like
to think of Timmy entering high school in command of a secret army of
night terrors.
Tomorrow we're moving onto season
three to meet a fine fellow called the Grither. See you then.
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