Halloween always means an extra influx
to my horror collection. Let's face it; August through October is an
absolute tidal wave of releases both new and old. Originally I was
planing to write about the 650th addition to my treasure
trove but not only is the Mangler not here yet, I've found something
so much more important with number 647. Join me wont you?
Flesheater is the brain child of Bill
Hinzman. Bill's biggest claim to fame is being the first onscreen
zombie in the original night of the living dead. Most of his career
past that point consisted of more bit parts in Romero flicks or just
riding the fame of being such a noteworthy minion of the damned.
Eventually the old boy got the idea to start making movies of his
own. First up was the Majorettes, which I have yet to see though
you'd better believe it's on the “to-watch” list, then he decided
to revive the undead act and...my god.. it's beautiful. Not in the
way of sunsets or your favorite memories. No, it's beautiful like
early nineties USA network. If you've ever seen Up All Night I expect
you to be hopping with anticipation by now.
The credits set the scene perfectly
with the animated Hinzman snarling at us along with the only musical
arrangement in the whole damn movie. Hope you like it, cause it plays
on an endless loop. After that we open on Halloween afternoon as four
couples take a hayride out to spend the night in the woods drinking
and screwing. It's a mostly forgettable lot of zombie fodder which is
fine since only a couple of them live past the half-hour mark. Don't
think of that as spoilers. The whole movie is just a gravy train of
new people for the zombies to chew on.
Anywho. While the kids get settled for
their night of debauchery, old man farmer works on removing a tree
stomp from his property, under which he finds a warning sign about
the evil buried below. He complains to no one that this better not be
some joke. A completely understandable statement when you think of
how many prankster excel at burying things under old tress in the
hopes of pulling a fast one on aging farmers. Ignoring the warning,
he continues to dig and opens a coffin to reveal Hinzman who's quite
hungry. Farmer goes down only to wake a few minutes later as a
zombie.
Not far away we are treated to one of
the least captivating love scenes I've ever witnessed. The girl (if
she is indeed a girl) has the voice of a Tennessee trucker and the
hands to match. Lucky for us, Hinzy breaks up their fun right quick.
After that we get a few scenes of the kids figuring out what's going
on and being attacked which leads to them hiding in an old shack and
calling the cops. Their last stand for survival is mercifully short
as they get devoured in short order except for the two that were
forced to hide in the cellar.
Next we move on to a nice house where a
girl showers for us in order to break up the scenes introducing some
family. None of them last more than ten minutes. Of course Hinzman
gets to attack the shower girl, and rip her towel off in the process.
Ahh, the perks of being a director. While this is going on we get a
few scenes featuring the local police force and their shining star
Harv. Harv is the straight up shit. Most of his dialogue was recorded
after the fact allowing him to talk like some smooth radio DJ from an
easy listening station. Sadly, as with everyone else, his time in the
sun is short lived before he bites the dust, though not before taking
a few deadheads with him.
Next we met a new couple (what'd I tell
ya?) who take in the two survivors from the initial group of kids.
Can you guess what happens next? Maybe a zombie attack? Ten points!
Good for you! The two survivors, whom I suppose you could call the
main characters by this point run off to another local, and man did
they ever save a good one for so late in the game.
There's this lame duck college party
being held in an old barn. The attendees are some of the most
delightfully sad creatures ever to walk the earth. The king of them
being the kid dressed as a vampire who is struggling to pretend he's
drunk. Meanwhile girls complain about the guys checking out other
girls and some other dingbats hook up. Possibly the best line of
dialogue is uttered here which goes along the line of, “my friend
told me not to come here. Said you boys would just get drunk and rape
us girls.” Imagine this being said playfully before a make-out
session. Wonderful, isn't it? So the two main kids show up looking
for help, followed closely by the ghouls and yet another blood bath
ensues! Some of the biggest effects were saved for this one. Of
particular note is when Hinzman shoves his hand through a girls
chest.
After that we switch focus to the
local mob that's formed to kill the zombies. We spend about a good
ten minutes watching people walk around an old farm, shooting the
creatures which really just means we get to watch the whole cast get
murdered again! I won't spoil the ending for you. That's something
reserved for those with the pain tolerance to watch the whole flick.
I bet you're wondering why I'd speak so
glowingly of something that's obviously crap. Indeed it is crap of
the highest order. This lil gem is going to sit alongside the titans
of garbage cinema like The Room, Troll 2, Birdemic, and Ninja 3: The
Domination. It's a testament to the power of shit. All the more it
serves as something of a dictionary entry for describing what a
zombie movie is. There is nothing pretentious, meaningful, or unique
about it. It's just straight up simple filth that brought a bigger
smile to my face than I've had for a while.
A huge part of it's success is the
atmosphere. There's an undeniable charm to the cheap honesty of the
production. From plastic pumpkin pails to home made costumes. Nothing
is ever too outlandish or high brow. Combined with obviously
improvised dialogue and a storyline that never goes beyond zombies
eating people, it always feels like watching a Halloween flick you
could have made with your friends and god help me I love it.
If you've got ten bucks handy, really
just want to get trashed with some friends and watch some dumb
seasonal fun, I can't recommend this enough. I'll even throw in a
drink tip. Mix Pinnacle Caramel Apple Vodka with Coke, and maybe
garnish with caramel apple Twizzlers if you're feeling extra
destructive. Both the movie and the drink greatly resemble the party
within said film. We've all been to that bash. It's gross and
unhealthy but we'll never forget it.
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