Horror Double Features: Amityville 7 and 8

 

    It’s been some time since we last talked about the Amityville films. Some of this comes down to a personal reason for not wanting to think about one of tonight’s offerings, which we’ll get to down the line. At the same time I hate to leave any project unfinished and I’m in need of something to get the writing juices flowing in order to tackle a major paper. Yes that is absolutely a cheap excuse to avoid an assignment. Then again I’m on the honor roll so who are you to judge? So where did we last leave off? Oh yes, after some stumbling the series firmly locked itself into following cursed objects from the original Amityville house as they spread terror across the country. Sadly the franchise failed to follow the evil lamp and clock with the natural progression of demonic toilet. That being said let’s see what’s on tap.

Amityville: A New Generation

    What could be more frightening than a house full of New England specters? How about inner-city gentrification? After hitting the more tightly populated setting of modern suburbs in the last film the producers decided to go the urban route with help from the director of Santa with Muscles. Our setting is a dank neighborhood filled with homeless folks that just so happens to have a group of artists renting out lofts and frequenting coffee shops. Not exactly sure why we’re expected to root for artsy yuppies but the sad fact is we’re stuck with em for nearly 100 minutes.

    Our chief protagonist is Keyes Terry, the standard scruffy soulful guy with an interest in photography. One day while drinking coffee, alongside fellow insufferable mope Suki, Keyes notices an interesting bum he simply most photograph. Feeling he should share any potential wealth from his photos, Keyes offers the homeless man a few bucks and receives a freaky-ass mirror in return.

    Of all the cursed objects thus far the mirror is by far the lamest. While the lamp didn’t have many thematic talents it more than made up for it with sheer ferocity. The clock on the other hand featured all sorts of reality manipulating tricks to unleash on folks. The mirror just shows people basic spooky stuff and attempts to make up for it’s lack of power by looking so obviously evil that one can only wonder why anyone would ever let it in their home.

    Getting back to the core group of characters there’s Suki, the sad Asian lady with a bad love-life. She also serves as a side bit of action for loser landlord, Dick, played by David Naughton of American Werewolf fame. Dick’s wife barely exists. Richard Roundtree, aka Shaft, plays another artist whose personality is basically just sleepy Richard Roundtree. Keyes also has a girlfriend who can be summed up as 90s pretty. Terry O. Quin is a detective with a little extra interest in Keyes, and Lin Shaye shows up for a hot minute as an eccentric nurse. Clearly the cast is all over the place in terms of talent and acting style which is amplified further by the tendency for some of them to disappear for large portions of the film, Roundtree vanishes for close to an hour!

    You’re probably picking up on an air of negativity towards this movie but before I take a steaming dump on it I will pay it some compliments. For what it’s worth there is actually some effort to make New Generation into a true sequel rather than simply co-opting the Amityville name. One of the characters, bet ya can guess who, has a secret history connecting them to the old house. Timeline wise things get a bit muddled as there was apparently another family shooting before the Defeo one. You’d think that woulda been mentioned before. Of course this may simple be an adjustment of the real-life aspects in order to avoid legal trouble. Either way this is a proper continuation of the series narrative, just not a very good one.

    Of all the various problems within this movie, be it unlikable characters, piss-poor production values, or mostly bad acting, the biggest may be just who not scary the whole thing is. Not a single scare lands through this entire film, and that’s on the occasions when the movie even tries to be scary. A big span of time is spent on Keyes sorting out his emotions, which could be a commendable change of pace if there were anything else to support it.

    Still; New generation isn’t the worst entry in the series, that honor still belongs to The Amityville Curse. The music isn’t all that horrible, some of the effects are alright, and it’s nifty to see one of these movies were people don’t spend ninety percent of their time in a house. Unfortunately the efforts to make a more dramatic entry largely fall flat which makes for a pretty dull entry in the series.

Amityville Dollhouse

    Any of us who are old enough to have fond memories of rental stores have one or two pieces of cover art that, for whatever reason, stick with us. One of mine was Amityville: Doolhouse which was likely due to how inescapable it was. Seemed like every local joint kept a copy prominently displayed at every horror display. At that point I’d already seen the first few movies multiple times through venues like Monstervision though I had little interest in diving into a sea of seemingly disconnected direct-to-video features. Given the troubled release history in the dvd market for these later entries this remained unseen to me until just recently. Turns out this missing piece of the Amityville puzzle is a special kind of stupid.

    Long-time producer Steve White steps into the directors seat in order to handle the absolutely minuscule budget, supposedly there were plans to use cardboard cut-outs for some of the monster scenes. Given such a slim production you shouldn’t expect much in the way of recognizable faces save for the late Lisa Robin Kelly of That 70s Show fame.

    The story this time around concerns a blended family situation. On one end we have an architect dad with a jock teenage son and generic young daughter. His new wife has a son, Jimmy, who is unbelievably pathetic. Combine Denny from The Room and Troy from The Final Sacrifice and you’ll have a slight approximation of this goober. The supporting characters consist of the jock’s trashy girlfriend, mystic aunt Marla, and a hog-riding supernatural warrior named Tobias. Oh, and don’t forget Jimmy’s zombie dad. Given that collection of personalities you’d be right to assume this movie steps into full-scale cartoon territory.

    The story itself is straightforward enough. Family moves into new dream home, uncovers a Dollhouse in nearby evil tool shed, and soon all hell breaks loose. It’s the little details that build-up only to spin out of control. How about we start with the tool-shed left by the former property owners that makes spooky talking sounds and has newspaper clippings about a horrible family tragedy that nobody pays much attention too. See there was a horrible fire on this spot and the dad decides to use the same same chimney as the centerpiece of his new home. Oh and this might actually be his tragic family history, it’s never explicitly stated but it sure adds some creep factor to his character. There are wasps who try to burrow into peoples heads and may in fact be baby demons. Jimmy’s bonding with his undead father while his mom lusts uncontrollably for her new step-son. While all this is going on the mystical aunt entrusts her 7 year old niece with documenting the evil actions of her dollhouse.

    Notice how the titular evil object came last in that laundry list of mayhem? That’s a big indicator of how this film operates. There is no point of origin for the dollhouse and nothing to link it to the original Long Island haunting save for its appearance. Given the convoluted backstory it’s difficult to determine if the Amityville curse (not the horrible film) is causing these events or merely teaming up with the bad mojo previously accumulated by this location. Much like New Generation’s mirror there is very little in the way of thematic haunting on display. At a couple points things enter or exit the dollhouse through a sort of void space, and that’s about it.

    Despite the abysmal overall quality I can slightly recommend Dollhouse in some regard as a piece of so bad it’s good cinema. For anyone who needs a belly laugh with some friends the movie is both inept and wacky enough to provide a decent time. For my sake I ended up watching it on the same night as a personal tragedy which is permanently linked in my mind. Enjoyably bad or not this just isn’t something I’ll be returning to which is part of the reason for holding off on this article for so long.

    And with that I’m out of things to say. Only one more pair of flicks to go before we can put this series in the rear view as it enters both remake and meta territory. Suppose it’s time to act responsible and return to a seemingly endless analysis on mass-consumerism. Pray for me.

September Spree 2020

 

    If there’s anything to be certain of this Halloween it’s, somewhat fittingly, uncertainty. It’s tough to know which of our traditions will still take place and which ones are put on hiatus. At the very least this can lead to a few pleasant surprise when something you thought was unlikely happens anyway. Such is the case with today’s story of a September shopping spree. This one’s got everything from core staples to historical television, so get cozy since you might see some of these items return for another post.

    The September spree is something I never plan for but has taken place for at least half-a-decade without fail. I get up to have coffee and soon enough find myself twenty miles away investigating the newest seasonal goodies. Given that I haven’t had a trip of this nature since possibly February I had zero hope of it happening. Ya know that saying about lemons and lemonade? Well mine is when a relative needs a new leaf-blower slip into as many extra stores as you can.

    Some of this haul is predictable necessity. Light Strands for the crab-apple tree or cemetery fence, orange storage totes for reorganization, but there’s still fun to be had with these simple items like the white craft pumpkin. For a couple of years some craft stores sold artificial pumpkins that had already been sawed in half and given a hanger so you could carve and put em on the wall. I adored those halves since they made for some of the best, and easily stored decorations around. For whatever reason, stores are now content to only sell full craft pumpkins which means I’m just gonna start splitting them in twain myself. Every Halloween should have at least one project night and the addition of some new pattern books this should provide a decent distraction. And yes I got the usual array of carving pattern books. They may not be the most prestigious items around but they’re an essential part of every spooky season. You might end up seeing a guide on creating wall-pumpkins in a couple weeks.

    I did manage to dig up a few more interesting items. Can’t help but note for those who haven’t gotten out for much shopping that there is a lot of repeat stuff from last year. It makes sense of course with the state of the world, and it isn’t without some perks. Consider this blow-mold style pumpkin man I got from Michael’s. He was part of a wave of retro decorations last year and managed to escape my grasp. Not this time, little man. Also dig the light-up trio of witches for the cemetery with a third of the price already slashed off thanks to being older stock. Even managed to fit some of those torch light-bulbs into the budget. If nothing else the end of the world is surprisingly gentle on the wallet.

    Eagle-eyed readers are going to notice something that is neither new nor exclusive to Halloween yet I feel it vital to stress their value all the same. I’m talking about Zapp’s Voodoo potato chips. Despite being a year-round product there are few snacks better fit to serve as a fixture of this season. If you’ve never had them imagine something that walks the line of being spicy but not really hot. Tons of flavor, great on a sandwich, and the theme is a perfect fit on a stormy night with an old voodoo flick like I Walked With a Zombie or Sugar Hill.

    Last but definitely not least is a horror movie haul from dollar tree of all places. Actually dollar stores in general have been a nice spot to build film collections for a while now though my usual haul is just one or two titles. Last night I came across a nice spread of terror tales ranging from pure classics to silly rubbish with a spot of unique television in between. As for the five movies I was most pleased to nab a DVD of the original Pulse. The rest are all virginal to me with the supposedly wretched Wish Upon, goofy British slasher flick Severance, the often dismissed James Gunn/Greg McLean project The Belko Experiment, and some violent Rutger Hauer action via Hobo With a Shotgun. Obviously results can vary wildly but if you need to stock up on some random entertainment for the season it’s hard to argue with the price. Plus there’s one item here that needs a little more attention.

    The Hitchhiker is a 1980s anthology series from HBO. More accurately it is the very first series the channel ever had. Much like the later Tales From the Crypt this show pulled in some major talent for one-shot horror and crime stories on a weekly basis. Unlike Crypt this show is hardly ever brought up and is seemingly impossible to collect in full, there’s even a complete series release that's more like half the series if that makes a lick of damn sense. No clue if this has to do with contract issues, outright negligence, or the move to USA Network for the last few seasons. Whatever the reason this show is historically important yet almost totally forgotten. Can’t say as I’ve ever seen an episode but that all changes with this two-disc set containing 10 of what the packaging claims are the best episodes. Regardless of actual quality there’s the promise of Gary Busey which means Friday night’s gonna be alright.

    And thus concludes this years September spree. It took a little bit of retraining on my part trying to find a comfort level in these stores again since it’s been son long since I last shopped like this. Once things got moving however it felt about 56% normal. Overall a well-needed change of pace during a time of stress. Given the importance of safety however this is absolutely the year to trade advice and shopping tips whenever possible so we’re not all traipsing across the countryside in hopes of material satisfaction. That’s all I’ve got in the tank for tonight kiddos. There’s schoolwork and decorating to be done but I will reach my post quota for the month so come back in a couple days and I’ll whip up something nifty. Ta for now.

Rambo: Force of Freedom. Return of the Count

 

    Obviously it’s been a few weeks since yours truly has done anything on this site. Well readers; my cat, Forrest sadly didn't pull through from his leg-injury so we had to do the merciful thing and put him down. As you can probably guess I’ve been damn depressed ever since and am only now getting back into the flow of things. I miss my little buddy like mad, and we’re gonna do a tribute to him making him the embodiment of how to enjoy this upcoming holiday season. That’s actually how I wanted to begin this years Halloween coverage but doing justice to my friend is a tough challenge. Today we can do our best by beginning our celebrations the way he would want, with silly television.

    Everyone has something, usually a specific event or date that more or less marks the passage from summer into full Halloween madness. Around here that was the final hometown event just after labor day. Problem is that didn’t happen this year so it’s entirely up to me to decide if it’s time to cover the house in pumpkins and bats. To mark this transition we deserve something that takes a little from both camps, the rollicking sweaty action of summertime and the spooky comforts of autumn. Turns out we can pick right up where we left off last Christmas with America’s favorite mentally scared super-soldier, John Rambo.

    Rambo: The Force of Freedom is an extraordinary oddity in TV history, marking a strange choice of converting an R rated action film series into a regular adventure series for kids. Parents complained and the show didn’t last all that long but man is it ever entertaining. We’ve seen Rambo rescue Santa Clause, actually a former military scientist, from evil organization S.A.V.A.G.E. Much as Argyle wished to see Nakatomi’s take on New Years I just gotta see how the force of freedom hands out candy.

    We begin at the pentagon where the whole crew surrounds a desk making vague threats. Rambo reports that “it’s a messy job but somebody’s gotta do it” right before jamming his giant knife into a poor defenseless pumpkin.

    Across town we meet two young boys wrapping up a full night of trick-or-treating, one of which in a costume that would get him reprimanded for cultural insensitivity these days. We soon learn that the elder of this brotherly pair has a reputation for tall-tales as he convinces the younger one to investigate a strange light inside a spooky old mansion. Wouldn’t ya know the kid is immediately snatched up by some Dracula lookalike. Suppose I should note that this is the count, a returning villain and descendant of Vlad the Impaler.

    After some drama with the kid telling his mom and them calling the cops we get to something more important. Turns out these boys are Colonel Trautman’s nephews so unlike every poor sap that ends up on a milk-carton these kids get a government-sanctioned murder-squad for a search party. Trautman hangs back at the house, the sidekicks hit the streets, and Rambo decides to investigate the haunted mansion solo.

     The next few minutes of the episode play-out like a mix of Scooby-Doo and Commando as our hero navigates the dark halls of the mansion avoiding booby-traps and battling ghost dogs. Ok, so they aren’t actual ghosts, they’re just coated in glitter or something which seems like a bad idea. Imagine the shiny poops after they lick themselves. Anyway; Rambo gets captured and shackled to a wall in a flooding room only to bust out and break through a brick wall like a badass.

    Now the episode totally shifts gears. The lightning intensifies as Rambo does his gear-up montage in preparation for the battle to come. The reason the count was at some D. C. suburb was to initiate a crazy scheme involving the use of kits to attrac lightning and overload the power grid. Why would they do this you ask? So S.A.V.A.G.E. can kidnap the president under the cover of darkness.

    From here on out it’s just one action scene after another. Rambo takes on the count and his thugs, Trautman and the others blow-up bikers on the street, Rambo fights a ninja atop a moving semi-truck before taking on a helicopter full of baddies. As a reminder this is a Halloween episode involving ninjas, and a plot to kidnap world leaders. If the novelty factor alone isn’t good enough for you then you’re just too far gone. In the end the oldest boy decides he wants to grow up to be just like Rambo, poor bastard doesn’t know what he’s in for. Rambo responds with the moral of the story that you shouldn’t tell crazy stories since you need trust to be a leader, yowza.

    Even as a massive horror nut I’ve often bemoaned a lack of alternative Halloween viewing. Sure there’s the amazing Cowboy Bebop movie, and a few family flicks, but I’m always pleased to see different genres like action or comedy mixed with this season, more so if they do it well. This isn’t the absolute best Halloween episode out there but it’s a good change of pace that can be found pretty easily online.

    And with that we are officially started on Halloween goodness. It’s gonna be a rough season for a lot of us, lord knows mine isn’t starting on the best note. Just remember to enjoy the little things in life. Camp out in the living room to watch some cartoons with your pets. Play a board game while fueled-up on pumpkin ale. We may not be able to do the big stuff like haunted houses or going to the theater for the newest movie. What we can do is be like Forrest and hang out in the garage as we watch the spooky weather drift by.

Adventures in the Longbox August 2020: Ultraverse

 

    As part of my continuing efforts to make the most of this ridiculous year there has been a massive restructuring of the cosmicsparky boudoir. Old furniture has been cast off in favor of more functional new additions, old items are being dug out of ancient corners, long overdue handyman projects are nearing completion. Honestly it’s all a bit of a mess but the upside for you fine folks is all that potentially post-worthy items that have been rediscovered during this ill-conceived attempt at home-improvement. Case in point being the contents of this old longbox that for the past few years has served as the base of a poverty-stricken laptop desk. We’ve ventured into the contents of this box a couple times in the past to talk about items like my very first comic but today I thought it’d be nice to start venturing further into obscurity, beginning with the Ultraverse.

A Note Before Moving Forward:

    In all fairness I should note before going too far that I’d hoped to make this post larger until life tossed out one of those oh so fun curveballs. On Saturday night, as I was wrapping up the final exams of my summer courses and looked forward to a full week of relaxation my cat decided to go and have a leg issues. Turns out the lil guy might have hip dysplasia, at least according to the vet we were able to take him too. Tomorrow his main vet is gonna go over the files and figure out if this really is the case and what treatments we might try. Still gonna try to get the Halloween season stuff started on time for you all while I babysit my less mobile furry friend. If you all could send Mr. Forrest some positive vibe it’d be appreciated.

Back to the Article Proper:

    It should be noted that this longbox is actually the remnants of several comic collections, resulting in all manner of twisted relics. There’s no better example than the assortment of Ultraverse comics my brother left behind once he left for the army. You’re forgiven for scratching your head in wonderment as to what the hell Ultraverse even is. It was an attempt by Malibu comics to launch their own edgy superhero collective. There was an equivalent character for each main type. Prime was a disgusting body-horror take on Superman, Prototype was a lame ass riff on Iron Man. In place of Wonder Woman there was Mantra, a single mother with the reincarnated soul of a wizard… yowza. Instead of Man-Thing or Swamp Thing they had Sludge. There was even a Deathstorke/Deadpool sort of gun-toting anti-hero in the form of Solitare. Possibly the best known of the batch was Nightman, a Batman type notable for his atrocious late-90s television series.

    As noted before, each of the characters had to be more edgy and violent than the competition because it was the 90s and good taste had long since gone out of fashion. The characters of the Ultraverse might have made a name for themselves without gimmicks thanks to some of the creative talent behind the scenes. Malibu brought writers like Steve Gerber, Mike W. Barr, and Chris Claramont. Bing names for sure though none of them seemed to be bringing their best to the field. Perhaps that had something to do with the sheer focus on marketing and cross-promotion witch the characters wasting no time in visiting other books. The line even had its own major cross-over event within the very first year.

    The story of Ultraverse has one more weird turn. After the line found some amount of success Marvel comics bought up the characters and launched an event called Black September to start having them interact with the current roster of Marvel heroes. Thus we saw the likes of Prime and Juggernaut serving on the same team, or Rune facing off against Venom. The popularity of these new heroes quickly dwindled. After all; the big appeal of reading the Ultraverse was being there for the beginning of something new. Once it was all integrated and reconfigured into the Marvel universe there was little reason for readers to care. Why bother with bastardizations of heroes within the same continuity as the real deal. It wasn’t long before most of the Ultra heroes vanished into obscurity.

    The question for years has been what to do with these books. They’re aren’t high quality, that’s for sure. Nor do they command a high price on the used comic market. The things are pure lemons. Few people even know about them and even fewer want them. And yet their rarity is almost guaranteed as there seems to be some sort of contract snafu that prevented Marvel from relaunching or republishing the titles. I’m sure that legal matter has only gotten more complicated since the Disney acquisition.

    My brother’s stash wasn’t solely based on failed interconnected universes. He did have a few legitimately interesting titles like some Comicco issues of Johnny Quest, a sighed copy of the first issue of Valiant’s relaunch of Turok: Dinosaur Hunter. Probably the most widely known are issues of Daredevil: The Man Without Fear. Sadly the massive print runs of the 1990s ensured that these books are not at all rare. Plus I hate Frank Miller so maybe the bro will get these in a holiday care package.

    Back when we kiddies were gathering comics during that 90s boom era my mother joined in as well by indulging in her Star Trek fandom. There’s about 20 issues each of DC’s regular and Next Gen Trek books along with the first few of Malibu’s DS9 material. I’ve never made an attempt at reading these but now might be the time to start. After all, current Trek isn’t all bad but there’s something to be said for the glory days of the franchise of which these books are a part.

    As mentioned before I gotta cut this post a bit short of my goal, didn’t even get to my section of the longbox. The idea I’m trying to float however is diving into random issues or arcs as a new recurring series for the blog. Try to make these lemons into internet lemonade. I’ll figure out a schedule for that down the line. Right now I gotta care for my lil dude and prep some Halloween stuff in my spare time. Any luck and there will be more posts within the week, and hopefully some good news about the quadruped.

Horror Double Features: Amityville 5 and 6

   

    August is often a mixed-bag for me. On one hand I look forward to the appearance of Halloween goodies on store shelves along with the end of summer, on the other hand there's nothing in the way of holidays or celebrations and it's usually the hottest point of the year around here. The first few days of this August have been something far different however being ushered in by big rain storms followed by a wonderful shift in weather patterns. Why just last night I was able to enjoy a bug-free time studying in a cool sixty-degree open garage with thick clouds and plenty of wind, it felt downright autumnal. Thoughts turned to subjects like pumpkin spice and the theme of this years mood table when I suddenly remembered I've been neglecting the blog. In honor of this weather teasing the better times to come let's get back to our double-feature overviews of the Amityville movies. Boy is tonight's pair ever an odd couple.

The Amitivylle Curse

    The Evil Escapes provided a nifty relaunch for the franchise with a Friday The 13^th The Series style haunted antiques recipe. Filmmakers would be able to take the series wherever they wanted while introducing new novelties tied into whatever cursed object took center stage. Amityville Curse presents an entirely different approach to keeping the series afloat by returning to the town of Amityville and suggesting that there are in fact many more haunted homes in the area. And so after four films chronicling a singular haunting we move on to a totally different home with it's own haunted history.

    You might be wondering what brought on this sudden narrative shift but, honestly, I’m not sure ff anyone has bothered to share meaty behind-the-scenes details on this one. For some reason a batch of low-rent Canadian producers got a chance to fiddle with the franchise and either weren’t informed of the antiques-based approach to sequels or they simply didn’t care. The shift in behind-the-camera talent is readily apparent as the budget and production value have noticeably dropped, which is pretty bad when you’re talking about the follow-up to a made-for-TV flick.

    The story concerns a group of adults, mostly friends from their college days, who seemingly intend to flip an old house. Honestly the film is pretty sloppy at explaining the situation with some character backgrounds making little sense. One guy for example apparently has successful investments in restaurants yet he plays personal contractor for his horrid acquaintances. Outside of him we have a main couple consisting of a chubby and hilariously haughty psychologist whose wife suffers from severe nightmares. Those nightmares, along with screaming, make up the majority of her personality. The other couple is made up of a slutty artist and her new husband who likes to stare at fires and talk about how he has no past... seems like a trustworthy fellow. Oh and should I mention he's played by Kim Coates? Even if you don't recognize the name I can guarantee you've seen the guy in countless other shifty roles.

    Anyway getting back to the story. So this old house used to belong to a local priest who was murdered a decade earlier inside of the confessional. Little do the new tenants realize that all the old mans stuff, including aforementioned confession booth are stored within the home. Bad juju starts to happen and in a bit of classic contrivance one of the characters doesn't realize they're connected to the houses past. That's pretty much all of it.

    Curse is not what you'd call an ambitious film. The production values, writing, everything is kept to a bear minimum of effort and the final product suffers for it. There's very little in the way of scares and what few there are barely register. The body count is drastically reduced as this new house has to rely on possession tactics rather than the outlandish accidents of the previous two movies. Nearly every character is unlikable and the cast isn't strong enough to make up for the poor writing. Most troublesome of all is how dull and lifeless everything can be with long stretches of little happening. That being said there are a few laugh worthy aspects along the lines of vicious stair-pushing and some sawblade-fu. And how could I forget the sweaters, oh my god, the sweaters. There’s just so damn many.

    Strange bit of personal trivia; Amityville Curse is actually one of, if not the very first, films I ever streamed, It was way back during my initial years of college and I wanted something spooky but not all that demanding to watch while I studied for a test or mid-term or something. At the time the movie left a very sour taste. Revisiting it all these years later I found only two aspects had stuck with me allowing for a new impression that while still bad was a bit more bearable. It's still a strong contender for the worst entry in the series but if you've got the right company and just a bit of chemical influence there's some bad movie memories to be made making fun of dreadful Canadian fashion. Should you try to get your paws in it be ready to put in a little work. Unlike the other entries there is no easily available dvd or blu-ray release in North America. That's why wedged in-between my fancy editions of the other films is a dusty old VHS tape, That's how much people care about this movie.

Amitville 1992: It’s About Time

    After the head-scratching detour to a whole new haunting the series returns to the producers of The Evil Escapes who bring us back to the cursed antiques branch of the series. As you might imagine this return to form also brings back some of the budget and a slightly notable director who was responsible for Hellbound: Hellraiser II. Now I know what you’re thinking, you’ve always wanted a horror flick about a haunted 1992 wall-calendar. Sorry to disappoint you but in this installment evil takes the form of a clock with a whole bevy of time manipulation trickery.

    Regardless of his top-billing Stephen Macht (best known for his outrageous Maine accent in Graveyard Shift) is not the main character. If anything he’s third in line. The actual protagonist of the piece is his characters ex-girlfriend, Andrea. Television fans might know actress Shawn Weatherly from her first season stint on Baywatch, where I believe her character died of shark-bite complications. Anyhow, Andrea is house/teen sitting for her architect ex-lover who is off on a business trip. Upon returning home with news of work on a new development project. Along with the good news is his new acquisition of an antique clock. Soon enough he is attacked by a dog causing Andrea to continue watching over the family as the clock slowly takes hold over the house. Good thing the slacker teenage son is best friends with an old lady who knows all about supernatural hocus pocus.

    Speaking of forbidden knowledge this entry marks a weird twist in the franchise mythology. Whereas the lamp served as an escape pod for the evil of Amityville it turns out the clock has a much richer history. It once belonged to a Frenchman who practiced devil-worship, human sacrifice, cannibalism, all the old party tricks. While not explicitly stated it could easily be argued that the clock contributed, or outright led to, the events in Amityville. Either that or evil things just run in the same social circles.

    Getting back to the film however we find just about everything improved over the lackluster nature of Curse. The set’s are a cruel exaggeration of suburban life, acting is better, there are some actual attempts at scares. The big novelty are the time-based aspects where characters leave a room during the light of day and return to find it suddenly night. Events slow to a crawl before suddenly catching up. It’s interesting stuff, though sadly not utilized near enough.

    Character wise Andrea is... serviceable... I guess. She's sort of a bland heroine which is a shame as her situation of caring for past acquaintances puts her in an interesting position. The teenage boy and his old lady pal each have better personalities, even if their roles are a bit aimless. Macht gets to ham it up and be gross as he struggles to recover from his animal bite resulting in lots of perspiration and puss as he slowly goes mad. The daughter begins as a classic good girl before the evil clock causes her to discovery sexuality. Naturally this leads to her luring men to their deaths and flirting with her brother, yikes. Lastly we have Andrea's current boyfriend, an educated yuppie who almost feels like a riff on the psychologist from the previous movie.

    Being the 1990s there’s also a weird mean-streak to the movie with some cartoonish gore mixed in. I've never been quite sure why that decade necessitated a shift towards gross exaggeration but it's a big part of this flick along with a few characters that are just plain unlikable. Your feelings or nostalgia for that kind of style will effect the overall enjoyment factor. For me some of the horrific events are way too nonsensical for their own good and it holds the film back from being a soaring success. That's just this horror nut's viewpoint anyway as I know there are many who rank this entry as their favorite Amityville flick. Either way it's a fun piece of spooky entertainment and a nice course correction after the inexplicable misfire that was Curse.

    Only four movies left to go in the series including the only one I've never seen before, Dollhouse. Outside of a couple big projects it looks like my classes will be a bit calmer over the next few weeks so perhaps this month I can finally catch-up on blog posts in preparation for the big holiday season. In the meantime I'd like to put out some feelers for other series folks want to read about in future double-feature articles. I'm already planing for the likes of J-Horror Theater, maybe I'll even us it as an excuse to finish the inexplicably massive Children of the Corn franchise. If anyone has a request I'm all ears.

Snack Report: July 2020

Each and every summer I make an attempt at doing something productive with the stretch of long, hot days. Often I simply give up and vedge out in the air-conditioning but this year I've actually been something of a busy bee. Outside of the ever-present college workload there have been multiple family developments and now I'm in the midst of reorganizing my bedroom as I make the switch to a big ole desktop. In just a few short weeks things should be mighty different around the cosmicsparky bunker. All that activity requires fuel though and lady luck has blessed me with just enough special finds for a new snack report. Compared to the sort of bounty I'd bring home during pre-pandemic days this batch is downright tiny plus it is far more reliant on adult beverages than usual. Such simple pleasures are a rare joy in the phenomenally goofy times however so let's savor these newest treasures.

Kellogg's Tiger Paws

While navigating the new maze of one-directional aisles at my local store I came across a big display of new cereal themed snacks. There were three varieties in all, Corn Pops, Fruit Loops, and what seemed like the safest bet to me, Frosted Flakes Tiger Paws. I opted for only one box as each contained 12 smaller packets for about five bucks which landed Tony the Tiger's newest experiment in my pantry.

From a presentational perspective Tiger Paws are something of a mess. The outer packaging is typically bland modern design. The snacks themselves on the other hand are these white claws almost befitting of a Halloween snack. Nothing really gels together but at least you can pretend to be eating some sort of monster themed snack.

Upon initial smell these have more in common with Rice Krispy Treats than regular Frosted Flakes. The same is true of the flavor as these have more of a marshmallow tinge which I can honestly say I enjoy. Not so enjoyable however is the texture which is dry and a bit spongy feeling. It's yet another entry in the long history of insulation textured treats making it hard to fully endorse. Upon a second bag I am starting to like them a little more but for the average person these are likely middle-of-the-road fare so let's give it a rating of 2.5.

Leinenkugels Spritzen variety pack

Up to this point in time I have totally avoided the strange rise of alcoholic seltzer water. Frankly the whole concept sounded disgusting. As a born and bread northern lad it's impossible to resist the allure of new Leinenkugels products so their attempt at seltzer drinks was my breaking point. What they've done here is combine the popularity of boozy seltzer with their line of shandies. Current availability is in a three-flavor variety pack consisting or raspberry-lemon, strawberry-pinapple, and grapefruit.

Looking at the box and cans provides the usual Leinie's feeling. There's a glossy portrait of woods and lakes, a sort of ideal drinking environment. Points to the deceptive nature of these tall and skinny cans as they trick you into thinking there's far less to drink than their actually is.

Thanks to the seltzer each flavor is very muted with pineapple being the strongest. Definitely not a drink for when you're craving big flavors but Christ almighty are these ever refreshing! Even a half-frozen sports drink can barely match the unbridled refreshment from a single can of this stuff. The alcohol content is just low enough to ensure a smooth and mellow mood with minimal bloat making these a solid choice for summertime porch drinking. Just pretend you're Fred Gwynne from Pet Semetery only with less adherence to traditional masculinity. Gotta give these a 4 out of 5.

Hostess Unicorn Cupcakes

Some family members bought these for me as I was apparently in a foul mood and they understood the influence snack cakes have over my ability to feel joy. Admittedly I have zero understanding of the influx of unicorn and mermaid themed items that have seeped into the food aisles over the past few years. If we're just doing silly things the internet finds nifty then why not Corgi cakes? It'd make sense with being small and full of fat but I digress.

Presentation wise these are loud to say the least, both the box and the cupcakes themselves. Everything's bright and chipper, downright comical. Can't see anyone taking issue with something this inherently over-the-top.

The flavor and scent are pure fatty chemical bliss. Nothing about these seems natural and I'd swear there's a larger amount of cream filling than in the average cupcake. At the same time there's nothing special in regards to flavoring or ingredients so this isn't all that special save for the sheer indulgence factor and accompanying sprinkles. I'll give em a 3 outta 5.

Lucky Charms Honey Clovers

Lucky Charms is one of those rare brands that I immediately take note of whenever they announce a new product. This comes down to the quality of execution more than anything as recent expansions like the wintry Vanilla Cinnamon or Fruity Lucky Charms have been downright glorious. Likely due to current events this newest incarnation took a small eternity to appear on local shelves. Question is whether it was worth the wait.

Let's Start with the packaging... is fuck ugly too cruel of an appraisal? This brand isn't known for awe-inspiring artwork but they usually get by thanks to solid color choices for the boxes. This diabetic piss color is just unappetizing though, I must admit, it does stand our on the shelf.

Given the title I assumed these were an attempt to blend Charms with something closer to Honey Nut Cheerios which didn't sound all that great honestly. The small didn't help as it just came across as generic breakfast fare. Strangely the results are more like Kix with marshmallows, only not as good. It's tough to explain but in essence these new cereal bits are too sweet to maintain the delicate balance of traditional Charms yet they lack the overpowering sugary goodness of their Fruity cousin. Their texture is just a bit too dry and insulation-esque. Everything about the cereal works against itself and yet it's not all terrible, just sorta pointless.

Golden Clovers seem destined to be an odd footnote in Lucky Charms history. I wouldn't actively discourage anyone from trying them yet I can't imagine someone being all that impressed by the experience. Let's put it this way, my brother forgot he'd tried them within less than 24 hours. Points wise I'd say it's a 2 outta 5.

Roku Gin

For the past few years I've been enamored with the outstanding quality of Japanese Whiskey. Such a statement might sound sacrilegious to hipster devotees of the drink but the country really has a grasp on how to make excellently balanced booze. Life had not been so kind as to offer the chance of experiencing Japan's take on any of the other classic alcohols until a nearby store got in something special, Roku Gin.

If you're a fan of presentation for your booze then Roku easily earns a few points from their lovely bottle and label. The various sides of the battle actually have raised outlines of the different ingredients used to spice up this particular variety of gin. My sister mentioned the idea of painting these segments, which could make for a nifty display piece.

Popping the top unleashes a gin scent that is both familiar but with an air of freshness. Rather than import traditional gin spices this stuff is flavored with items more common to Japan such as sakura flowers, yuzu, and sansho pepper. The taste is likewise bright and poppy. It's got so many of the best elements of gin while maintaining a unique flavor of its own. It's a lovely liquid and fairly priced around the thirty dollar mark and goes down smooth all by itself. Can't imagine how tasty it could be with a bit of limeade or used in an aviation cocktail. For those of age with the means I'd give this a perfect 5 star rating.

Trader Joe's Neapolitan Joe Joe's

Despite my reputation as a chubby lover of all junk food I must admit my experience with Trader Joes is limited. The nearest location is quite far and not in a commonly visited city for that matter so I generally shrug off any news of new products from the brand. Little did I expect that my diabetic sister would attempt to live vicariously through others by bringing home a platter of various Joe treats. Most fit fairly generic snack types with varying degrees of quality. The chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels were quite nice, the lobster gummies suffered from horrible texture but there was one item unique enough to blog about. Joe Joe's are that stores take on the Oreo/Hydrox domain which is nothing new but Neapolitan flavor, now that's interesting.

The unicorn cakes seem downright restrained in the packaging choices compared to these. It's like one of those hippy freakout nightmare paintings one usually associates with the Beatles. There's just so many questions like what are the benefits of a cookie monocle?

The smell contains elements of all three flavors with strawberry being the most notable. Fitting as this carries over to the flavor. The vanilla and chocolate cookies play their part but there's so much strawberry crème that it pretty much takes over. Honestly I don't mind seeing as the flavor is very bright and satisfying. To top it all off the whole thing is quite moist, to the point that dipping in milk or coffee is pretty much pointless. The downside to this moisture if how these went stall a good deal quicker than Oreo ever would. Even so these are a worthwhile pick-up for those of you near a Trader Joes, though not something worthy of a road trip. Let's give em 3.5 in total.

So there we have it, another batch of tasty snacks to help us cope with this otherwise wretched year. I must beg your leave now as there's plenty of room cleaning to do and Return of Ultraman to watch. Currently aiming for two posts in the coming week, another on Amityville feature and maybe a new ongoing, just depends. There's roughly one month left of this pathetic summer and then we reach the four best months of the year so just stick with me and I'll try to give you guys the goods.

Ultraseven Series Review

Blogging sometimes leaves you feeling like a deadbeat dad. You promise to take the kids out for ice cream this weekend only to pass out on the couch. In my case it's promising a new post before sneaking off for a week long binge of video games and Ultraman. At least in this scenario all that selfish activity pays off cause it turns out the tenth of July is actually Ultraman day! Which means it's time for us to move on to the next entry in our oh so long review series of the Ultra franchise.

Tsuburaya productions already had two massive hits with Ultra Q and Ultraman. Wisely they took only a little break before capitalizing on that success with a third entry. The creators knew they had to stick with the superhero formula that had proven to be massively popular but still take a few risks in the storytelling department in the hopes of making something even better. To a certain extent they accomplished that goal as on nearly every objective level Ultraseven is an improvement over its predecessor yet with that upgrade comes a loss of some of the silly fun. Personally I'd give it the edge quality wise as it has a wider variety of high-quality episodes though I think it falls behind when it comes to the supporting cast of characters. Best not to get ahead of myself though.

The story this time around is much the same as before. There's a super science defense team known as Ultra Guard that protects Earth from monsters and alien invaders. Rather than one of their own being revived/possessed by an Ultra being this time they are joined by a mysterious young man named Dan who is actually an Ultra disguised as a human. The show moves along almost purely with stand-alone adventures instead of any continuing narrative. These adventures are often more mature than what we saw in previous series with a higher occurrence of grim or ambiguous conclusions.

That same level of maturation applies to the science team. It's a larger group this time around especially once the supporting and recurring characters are thrown into the mix. Having this many people around leaves less room for development leaving some characters feeling a little flat when compared to their forebears save for the main hero who is much improved over the dull Hayata.

Starting off we have Dan Moriboshi, actually Ultraseven in human form. Dan is much more lively and jovial than Hayata ever was and we get a larger glimpse into his struggles regarding how protecting Earth often requires him to kill countless aliens and animals. Ability wise he has most of the same techniques as the previous Ultraman just with a few interesting wrinkles thrown in. The biggest change is that Ultraseven doesn't need to worry about a timer, meaning he can kick ass for as long as he wants. The show almost heads in that direction later on but then forgets all about it. He also shifts in size far more often sometimes running around at human scale or shrinking down to the size of a bullet. He also has three monster pets he keeps in capsules that can be unleashed to tackle problems whenever Dan is unable to transform.

Anne is the resident cutie but she can come off as bland thanks to her inconsistent role within the show. Some writers and director clearly had no issue with letting her get right in on the action with the boys but once in a while there will be this odd setback where she just sits around the first aid office issuing band-aids and little else. Weirder still is late in the series when a very obvious wig begins to appear in random episodes to cover her short haircut. She clearly has the hots for Dan which only escalates as the series continues which more romantic viewers should enjoy.

Furuhashi is the token dense strongman of the team. He's played by the same actor as Arashi from Ultraman with the characters being very similar. Only in this case Furuhashi is not the team's crackshot. That honor goes to Soga who's a bit younger and more lively than his comrades. The smart guy role is filled by Amagi who sadly gets forgotten more often than not. The team is lead by Captain Kiriyama, a more stern and militant leader than what came before. While this isn't the most eccentric crew of heroes I've encountered they manage to endear themselves to the audience largely by being more helpful than many of the other Ultra support groups.

Before moving fully onto my episode picks for the series I should note that one installment is missing from pretty much every home video release. From a Planet With Love, the twelfth episode got into a heap of trouble when it originally aired due to some elements resembling negative stereotypes about people suffering from radiation burns. I'm not a fan of censorship by any means but I can't say much for the social situation of Japan and this topic. What stings all the more is that this is a Jissoji directed outing, not his best but still damn fine. It can be found online but not in the best condition. Just keep in mind you might have to mine the internet if you want the complete Ultraseven experience. Now let's talk about the some more accessible episodes. As the average quality of the show is a little higher than the last and a bit longer let's go with six picks.

Ep. 43 Nightmare on Planet 4

I debated including this one due to a rushed ending that sorta fizzles out. At the same time I can't ignore such an outlandish and violent piece of television. Yea, it's a Jissoji episode all right. Dan and Soga are testing out a new hibernation technology for space travel only the systems works too well. The pair wake up on a planet much like ours, only ruled over by genocidal androids. Humans live in slums and are killed on a daily basis by firing squads or as random acts of entertaining televised violence. Between the freaky visuals and the almost omnipresent sound of a man sucking on a piece of candy this one bad acid trip of an adventure.

Ep. 23 Search for Tomorrow

Captain Kiriyama doesn't get many focus episodes but this one makes a compelling argument that he should have had more. A fortune teller appears at the Ultra Guard base warning of alien invaders and seeking protection. Given a level of disbelief by the crew along with a lack of evidence to support his claims the old man is turned away only to disappear. Wanting to believe in the fortune teller, Kiriyama takes a break from work to search for the missing man on his own time. No singular mood or novelty to this one, just an all-around solid piece of viewing material.

Ep. 45 The Boy Who Cried Flying Saucer

Yet another Jissoji installment, this one being almost completely removed from the core team of heroes. Instead we see the daily struggles of an amateur astronomer. The only thing this guy enjoys is looking at the stars. He drifts off throughout the day due to lack of sleep, butts heads with his noisy mechanic neighbor, and that's before he starts seeing an invasion force of UFOS through his lens. Problem is he can't get the Ultra Guard to believe his story. Think of this as a slice of life mixed with a fairy tale and you'll have some idea what to expect. It'd probably rank higher if not for the trippy, epilepsy inducing monster fight.

Ep. 6 Dark Zone

The first truly excellent output from this series concerns a shadowy alien who comes to warn us that his species home is on a collision course with Earth. He expects that our planet, much like his own, has the ability to move freely about space. Once he learns the truth it becomes a battle between civilizations as the aliens, who cannot repair their engines in time, seek to clear Earth from their path while the Ultra Guard debates the destruction of our new visitors.

Here we can the formation of a common trope to the series where Dan tries to act as an ambassador of peace between two groups. Unfortunately a break down of communication and growing distrust serve to worsen the situation. It's a grim episodes but definitely worth your time.

Ep. 26 The Super Weapon R1

A common theme of sci-fi from this era is nuclear escalation. Naturally Japan wasn't exempt from this as their first hand experience of atomic weaponry served as the catalyst for kaiju and tokusatsu productions. It should come as no surprise then that the topic would rear its head within the Ultra series with this installment serving as one of the better examples of how to tackle such subject matter.

The story concerns the testing of a new rocket on a supposedly uninhabited planet. What no one expected was the large monster that lived under the planets surface who heads to Earth to issue swift revenge via nuclear fallout. Military scientists immediately begin development of more weapons to defeat this beast despite repeated pleas from Dan to stop and think about this course of action.

Obviously this is a very serious and dour episode featuring debates and disagreements between the core cast. Furuhashi actually takes the side of military development and ensuring piece with sheer strength in opposition to Dan's more peaceful approach. There's some excellent melodrama that would probably take the top spot if not for the wonders of episode 8.

Ep. 8 The Targeted Town

Just like last time it's Jissoji for the win with this all time titan of Ultra goodness. The Targeted Town concerns a village where people have suddenly become prone to sudden outbursts of irrational violence. Mass murder is becoming a daily occurrence with the only link between perpetrators being cigarette smoking.

There's just so much right about this one. The production and cinematography are outstanding by 1960s television standards. The showdown between Dan and alien conspirators became so iconic as to have its own figures and dioramas. And then there's the hilariously cynical ending. Much like how My Home is Earth was the highlight of Ultraman, this is without a doubt the one episode you should check out from this series.

Ah the sweet feeling of success. I seriously struggled to get this post done alongside all my damn homework. Ultraman Day comes but once a year though, and who am I to neglect such a prestigious celebration? Hope you all have a good night basking in the light of our favorite alien fighter. Gonna get in a few episodes myself once it's time for a break from statistics and media representations of women. Fingers crossed I don't get the two mixed up.