Patrick Swayze Christmas Barstool 2020

 

    It’s the strangest thing and I’ve never had a proper notion of where it started but Roadhouse always reminds me of Christmas. It’s not even something that can be traced to an exact memory, such as why I associate Mortal Kombat and the second Resident Evil movie with New Years. Perhaps it’s the tacky neon bar lighting. Maybe it comes down to trashy action films being part and parcel of so many family gatherings. Fact remains that when I think of the Double Deuce I get just a tiny bit more jolly. Naturally this association only contributes to the fun of the Patrick Swayze Christmas Barstool. A tradition that has returned once again to brighten our spirits.

    For any of you who are stumbling onto one of these posts for the first time I’ll give you a quick background. Inspired by MST3K’s song “Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas” the barstool is a way of expressing your holiday spirit outside of traditional forms like trees and inflatable snowmen. The rules are not all that dissimilar from Halloween mood tables popularized by Dinosaur Dracula/X-Entertainment. Simply grab a barstool, or any chair that is safe to light up, and decorate to your hearts content. It’s your space to be as wild or reserved as you want.

    While I often dream of bigger concepts for each year, one of these days this thing is getting reindeer, I often lack the materials. That was even more the case this year with fewer trips to the store and a dwindling supply of lights. And let’s not forget the addition of young kitties who are just fascinated by lights and tinsel. I did manage one important development this time around, Swayze ornaments.

    These ornaments are something I’ve been thinking of for years so it’s nice to finally have them on hand. Thing is they’ll likely need to be remade due to a few errors on our part. The sizing and double-sided printing worked out well but our attempts at laminating didn’t hold so there’s some double-sided tape holding these things together. I think next time I’ll just find some of those photo frame ornaments and match photos up accordingly. Our faulty craftsmanship aside these are still terrific additions. My primary goal was to capture many facets of Swayze. There’s dancing Swayze, Roadhouse Swayze, handsome Swayze, horse Swayze, even militant surfer Swayze. Have I written Swayze enough for ya?

    Given the presence of actual Roadhouse material it only felt right to top it all off with whatever booze was handy. At the time this meant an assortment of odd beer and seasonal cider. Gotta make special mention of that Peanut Butter Porter, delicious. If I felt the need I could add one of those giant jugs of Costco Whiskey to equation though I don’t dare risk such precious commodities. What’s the risk you ask? Well I was just about to get to that.

    Unlike past iterations this years barstool faces a pair of predators/fanboys. Our older cats were never ones for messing with decorations. They loved sleeping under the Christmas tree but by and large they knew to leave things in place. Our new lads are not only a bit more wild but the youngest has grown quite the fascination with this construct, often using it as his own fortress of solitude. Several minutes of each day are now reserved for repairing the display after he invariably makes sweet love to it. He is beginning to be less destructive towards as he now likes to cozy up and stare at the lights, like he’s receiving messages from his alien overlords. My advice to owners of rambunctious animals is that there’s a value in keeping your barstool simplified.

    That’s all I’ve got for tonight. It’s about time to hit up wally world in search of ice cream, lights, and cracklin. While I’m away why don’t you all entertain yourselves by making your own Swayze barstool. It honestly doesn’t take that much work. Some lights, maybe tinsel/garland, and scotch tape to hold things in place. Put one together, set it in front of a window, and watch the confused and judgmental looks from your neighbors.

Christmas Snack Report: Elf vs Elf on the Shelf Cereal.

 

    It seems odd that of all the holidays on the calendar only Halloween has iconic breakfast cereals with which to celebrate. This is especially odd at Christmas, a time of the year when flavorful items like gingerbread and eggnog abound. The various great lakes cereal groups took some stab a the problem with not one, but two elf themed eats. One is based on a tacky decoration that has tormented children for decades, the other off of a tacky comedy. To be fair Elf on the Shelf is a returning item but we’ll just pretend it’s something new and shiny. Being a man filled to the brim with holiday spirit I see it as my duty to place these two items in the arena to see who emerges as the supreme elven treat. If any of you are worried about potential biases based on license don’t worry. Not only did my family avoid the elf on a shelf tradition but we’re not big on the movie Elf either. And no I don’t care if I’m somehow missing out. Let me keep Christmas in my way. As soon as some company produces a Christmas Evil themed breakfast item then I’ll show some bias.

Round 1: Presentation.

    Rating the quality of presentation for Elf is a tad odd as it is both faithful to the source material yet not all that Christmasy. On the one hand I’d like to give it a pat on the back for fan-pleasing aspects like the narwhal. On the other hand the generic snowflakes and pine trees feel more inclined to winter than to the holiday itself. That same feeling carries on to the look of the cereal. Knock off Kix with tree marshmallows says hunting cabin more than the giving season. There’s no doubt it’s a decent effort and I like the tone of Elf green that permeates the box, but it just doesn’t scream festive.

    While unfortunately afflicted by a bit of that sterile design that permeates so much of modern consumerism, Elf on the Shelf manages to push out some pretty solid holiday vibes. Opting for a wintry blue color with the classic candy-cane wrapped sign alongside the elf it sorta looks like an ad for a Rankin Bass special. It’s aided immensely by the red and green star cereal pieces and flying bits of mini-marshmallows. In fact the bowl presence is what helps to set this one apart. We’re talking garland worthy foodstuffs here.

Winner: Elf on the Shelf

Round 2: Scent:

    No way around it, Elf smells as if someone found a way to seal diabetes into a box. It just reeks of maple and sugar. Not only is this overpowering but it’s a dishonest hint about the eating experience to come. Once you pour some out of the bag the open air dissipates the scent into something fit for human consumption.

    On the shelf is a little more subtle, still sweet smelling as all hell, just less so. It doesn’t really smell like sugar cookies however, leaning more towards rice crispie treats. What sets it apart from that mainstay is a more powdery sensation rather than the greasy undertone of treats. At least the smell is more of an honest indication of the eating experience to come.

Winner: Elf on the Shelf (for being hones)

Round 3: Dry

    Once upon a time I made quite the habit of eating dry cereal, as we probably all do at one point or another. These days I’m much more of a milk guy but I still give each cereal a shot when it comes to dry snacking. On that front Elf is pretty solid. Not only is the maple flavor not as overpowering as the initial scent suggested but some of it absorbs into the marshmallow trees making for a decent treat. Elf on the Shelf isn’t so special due to the powdery sugar coating that tickles the nose along with the nearly impossible to find mini-marshmallow. Beyond that the texture of Elf on the Shelf is just awful without milk to soften it up while Elf has a comfortable crunch to it. Obvious winner here.

Winner: Elf

Round 4: With Milk

    The make it or break it moment for any cereal comes with the precious addition of milk and Elf handles that addition splendidly. It absorbs at a decent enough pace to soften without turning to sludge, the marshmallows are excellent, and the maple flavor blends well with milk. It’s surprising how smooth that flavor actually is after the ridiculous smell. It’s just a well balanced cereal. Not up to the level of top tier brands but the unique flavor adds an important novelty factor.

    Elf on the Shelf has a few more issues on this front. Milk absorption is wonky with the pieces staying crunchy for a prolonged period before converting to sponges. The main flavor doesn’t match any sugar cookie I’ve ever had, nor is it all the unique. Plus the tiny marshmallows are too small and infrequent to make much of a difference. This isn’t a bad cereal, just generic and a little lifeless. That being said the sweetened milk aftermath makes foe a delightful finish.

Winner: Elf

Bonus Round: Combined

    In a moment of boredom an idea sprung forth. If neither of these are the end all be all of Christmas cereal, what would happen if they shared the same bowl? Unlike the Planeteers combining these powers didn’t add up to much. Both items combat each-other which makes it rare to get am even dose of both tastes. If you’re gonna get both items anyway this is still fun as a kind of breakfast roulette. Just don’t expect much in the way of results.

    For the final judgment I’m declaring Elf the overall winner. Elf on the Shelf has the presentational aspects nailed but falters on vital elements like taste and texture. Elf can at least stand out as a different experience from everything else in the cereal aisle. If you’re completely outta your gourd with boredom there’s nothing wrong with getting both, feel free to indulge. The quest for a king of Christmas cereal is still ongoing however. Seeing as General Mills and Kellogs have both taken a shot I’m issuing a triple-dog-dare to Post to get off their butts next Xmas.

    With that we’re back on the holiday train. I wrapped up school this past weekend, for good this time. My fancy upgraded degree should be on its way soon and I can finally push all of my writing time towards pleasurable pursuits. Ten Days till Christmas, let’s see what kinda jolly damage we can do.

Starting Up the Holidays with The Small One and Snacks.

 

December is here. At last the curtain is about to drop on this profoundly lame year. What better way to send it packing than a month of cookies, killer Santa flicks, and a hefty layer of snow. Seriously though, where’s my snow? Anywho, what better way to ring in this strange and makeshift festive season than a grab bag of seasonal food, animated specials, and springtime soda? If you’d be so kind as to sit down by the glow of the screen we’ll talk Christmas.

I really wanted to step up my Christmas celebrations as much as possible this year, keeping in mind that big adventures and events are outta the question. One thing I knew heading into this month was that I could watch something seasonal every night leading up that grand moment of presents and eggnog. Unlike my Halloween viewing this doesn’t mean movies, just something holiday flavored each night be it an old cartoon, sitcom episode, whatever. As December 1^st was winding down so came the realization that I’d no clue what to start with. I aimed for something on the shorter side which is how a few items on Disney+ caught my eye. The Small One, animated, just over twenty minutes, should do the trick. Within the opening credits I witnessed a combination of words that any child of the 80s-90s learned to fear, directed by Don Bluth.

In case you’re too young to have ever experienced a Don Bluth movie here’s the breakdown. The guy’s a genius of animation who gave an entire generation of children crippling emotional issues. Guy looks at the sort of manipulative drivel companies like Pixar churn out and calls them sissies. Be it dead families, abandonment issues, childhood sickness, animal abuse, racism, even the damn end of the world, any trauma was a ripe subject for his movies. Since his films didn’t tend to talk down to their audience those traumatizing themes really hit their target. Given just a half-hour to work with he aims a bit small here by just focusing on a farm boy who is being forced to sell his beloved donkey. Just the thing to watch in a year with multiple pet deaths. I swear to god I kept it together.

To make things even weirder the majority of this special has little to do with Christmas. It clearly takes place in a biblical setting so you spend a good deal of time waiting for Jesus or somebody like that to show up. In the meantime you witness the kids friendship with the animal, the shock of learning the family can no longer afford to keep it, and their journey into town to find a new loving owner for the creature. Of course the town is ruled by greed and cruelty so people either laugh at the pair or offer to kill the poor beast. Finally; when all seems lost a smooth operator called Joseph shows up and is all like “yo I need a fresh ride for my babygirl” (not an accurate quotation). With that the small donkey marches off to biblical fame. Admittedly I’m skipping some details but it’s one of those everyone has a purpose stories. Honestly it was alright, and I’m always glad to add some animation history to my memory banks. Just wish someone had invented a Bluth alert.

Outside of emotionally debilitating animated specials I’ve spent some time catching up with seasonal foodstuffs. On that front there’s a very special post coming later this week about the two Christmas elf themed cereals. My recent samplings stretch across a wider span of time from autumnal breakfast items to springtime soda. Take Caramel Apple Jacks for example.

Clearly meant for Halloween, Caramel Apple Jacks took some time to show up around these parts. It’s just as well since the current weather is still in that post Thanksgiving mode of cold and brown that feels so right for candy coated fruit. Sadly the cereal ain’t all that hot on any front. The packaging is generic, neglecting any seasonal elements. The smell is grossly artificial, and the flavor isn’t much better. Regular Apple Jacks have that low key flavor which is easily overtaken by the addition of caramel. While I’m a caramel fan the flavor profile here is way too fake tasting. It’s not an outright failure but there’s no reason for anyone to worry about missing out on this one.

Now here’s an odd one. Mtn Dew Frostbite originally came out way back in March during the opening salvo of lockdowns and face-masks. For some reason not a single store in my whole damn metro area had this stuff. Suddenly, just a few days before Halloween I saw someone standing in a checkout line with a case. With all the speed an overweight mid-westerner can muster I lumbered to the back of the store and fell to my knees in front of two lingering cases. Was all the waiting, searching, and shortness of breath worth it? You bet your damn bippy it was.

Described as an icy cool melon flavor, Frostbite makes me think of what White Out could be if it were good. It’s got a nice bitey chill to it with a smooth fruit flavor throughout. Add to that the great packaging with a frosty shark bursting through the ice within a windy winter scene. The brains at Dew may not have intended it but this is a prime example of wintertime soda. Better yet this is apparently a permanent addition to the line, pending anyone ever restocks it. I’m in love and I highly recommend anyone take some quiet time to sip a can while staring at Christmas lights for a boost of holiday cheer.

It only seems fair during this opening bout of festive features that I actually talk about a Christmas treat of some kind. That’s where Sugar Cookie Hershey Kisses come in. First off I gotta give a hand to the team behind all these seasonal Kisses varieties. They don’t always hit a home run but they keep on swinging for those fences and that makes life just a wee bit more interesting. That’s not to saying anything bad about this Sugar Cookie edition which I’d rank a bit higher on the Kisses ladder. They’re white chocolate with crunchy cookie bits giving them a unique texture that satisfies the need for both sweet and crunchy and the flavor, while not an exact match to their namesake, is fairly solid. As always the packaging is on point with special wrappers for the candies. The downsides are the odd smell and that, let’s be honest, not everyone’s big on white chocolate. If you hate the white stuff then these won’t do anything to change your mind but for those of us who enjoy it these are good to keep handy.

And thus begins my weird Christmas season. Gonna do my best to bring you all some fun items throughout the month. In fact, the only thing in my way is this last week of my final class. Yes; yours truly will finally have upgraded to a bachelors degree. And you’d best believe I’ll be indulging properly in the season before next year brings a fresh search for employment. For now just keep an eye out for that cereal post coming sometime this week between a paper and an exam.

Return of Ultraman Series Review

 

In the time since our last update it feels like the whole world has changed. I accurately predicted the results of a presidential election for the fifth time in a row, lockdowns are coming back in style, vaccines are emerging, we got new kitties, those kitties had health issues like tapeworms that had to be dealt with, I had a largely solid Halloween and a truly tiresome clean-up operation, and I’m still wrapping up a final semester of college. It’s little surprise then that it’s been weeks since I’ve sat down to fart out an article but fart I shall. Truth is the holiday season vibes are coming on strong and I want to make the most of it. First I want to take care of of a few loose items, gotta finish those Amityville features for example. Today though, I wanna talk some Ultraman, the Return of Ultraman to be precise.

Released a few years after Ultraseven, Return of Ultraman was meant to do exactly as the title stated. The public was still hungry for this kind of entertainment and the creators had to decide whether the title would be a literal return of the first ultra hero or simply the return of the franchise, they went with the latter. This is a series with a lot of ups, downs, and unique changes to the series format that took a bit to win me over but I think a the full series ends up a little better than some of its predecessors. So let’s talk about what makes this show unique and then cover the usual selection of top-tier episodes.

Our hero this time around is Hideki Go, a mechanic who looses his life one day while rescuing a child during a giant monster attack. One of the ultra being sees this sacrifice and bonds with the young man resulting in the first equal union between human and ultra. No creepy possession stuff this time around, nor is it an alien in disguise. The two beings share one body and can even disagree with each-other such as when ultraman refuses to transform because Hideki is being a reckless dickweed. It should be noted that Go is probably the dumbest hero so far but he’s better developed than Hayata and manages some good dramatic bits throughout the show.

Due to his heroism and miraculous recovery, Go is hired by an organization called M.A.T. (Monster Attack Team) whose job is fairly self-explanatory. This group isn’t so much into solving mysteries as they are at busting heads. They’re essentially glorified exterminators. The line-up of officers includes Minami, sort of the nice older bro of the office. Then there’s Kishida, a total dick and semi-rival for Go at first though they eventually become closer than any other pairing of officers. Ueno is the young guy and yeah…. That’s pretty much the extent of his personality. Oka is the resident lady who sadly gets left behind a lot to work on communications. She’s still a bit tougher than previous female characters in the series. There are actually two commanders this time around as they swap out near the halfway point. Kato is the more clam and caring of the two who acts like a father to his team. Ibuki is a bit more militant but manages to have a more robust personality in the end.

For the first time ever we get a glimpse into a hero’s personal life as he spends his off-duty time with the Sakata family. There’s lifelong friend Ken, annoying lil bro Jiro, and Go’s lady love Aki. Later on we meet Rumiko, the cute girl across the hall. That’s three primary ladies in one show, another first for the franchise.

As you can see this is a pretty big cast of characters which causes the same issues as Ultraseven in that there isn’t enough time to properly develop everyone. An interesting shift on this front however is yet another change to series formula with the introduction of mortality. Not all of these characters live to the end. Even knowing that in advance still didn’t prepare me for the absolute savagery of these deaths. Suddenly the Ultra universe isn’t such a secure place to be.

Before we can move on to the best episodes there is still one more important shift in the franchise in that all the shows begin to form a loose continuity. Both previous heroes show up to help out Go on occasion, setting the stage for many crossovers to come. Don’t expect much from these cameos however. Each appearance is short and sweet but the shift in series lore is important all the same.

Best Episodes:

Episode 37: Ultraman Dies at Sunset

This marks a big turn for all future Ultra shows by bringing death into the equation. A group of aliens set on eliminating Ultraman broaden their scope to go after people he cares for, and not everyone makes it out alive. It’s mean, violent, and would rank a tad higher if not for one issue. This begins a two-part story with the follow-up failing to provide proper closure by opting for a forced, semi-happy ending. Seeing our hero pushed to the brink and knowing that safety is no longer guaranteed makes this one to remember.

Episode 15: Revenge of the Monster Boy

Admittedly It’s been so long I don’t remember a ton of details about this one, but it stock with me throughout the entire viewing process. It’s one of those boy who cried wolf scenarios revolving around an odd child who’s trying to prove it was an invisible monster responsible for a deadly train crash, not his father. It’s got enough narrative meat and put it ahead of the pack.

Episode 31: In Between Devil and Angel

One of my favorite aspects of tokusatsu is the weird shit you’d never see in other media. In this case we’re treated to an evil alien masquerading as a young boy who befriends Ibuki’s daughter. Go makes a fool of himself trying to prove the kid is a monster but it’s up to the commander to deal with this problem. This one is dark, moody, surprisingly violent, and expertly made.

Episode 27: Go to Hell with this Blow!

This one’s a bit lighter with the focus on Go befriending a boxer who’s future lies in the result of an upcoming match. If he looses he’ll give up the sport for good. If he wins he’ll declare his love for a lovely lady who rides the bus with him. Go wants to help his friend train for the fight until he realizes that the dream girl is actually his girlfriend, Aki. Just a nice slice of life morality tale with giant monsters.

Episode 33: The Monster Tamer and The Boy

Every so often you’re graced with something so amazing that you can barely believe it ever aired on television. I’m talking material like the second season finale of Twin Peaks, nearly the entire fifth season of Angel, a good chunk of Cowoby Bebop, or My Home is Earth from the original Ultraman. This episode isn’t simply the best installment of this show, but one of the finest episodes of television ever.

The plot involves a homeless child who lives in a dilapidated old warehouse and may either have powers or his own, or be protecting a supernatural lifeform. The locals view this kid as a problem and bully or neglect him. It all gets very emotional and has a massive downer of an ending.

The key thing is just how well done the whole episode is. I had to look up the director and found that Shohei Tojo only ever worked in tokusatsu programming but he touched on all the major franchises including Sentai, Kamen Rider, and Metal Heroes. Sadly I’ve yet to find a total list of his work but that’s becoming a project in itself. No matter you’re interest level in silly Japanese superheroics you should absolutely check out this episode.

And there we are. Feels good to be back and posting. I’m really gonna try to fit in some good Christmas material for you all in the next month. Already got a pile of snacks to review, weird specials to talk about, you name it. You all just hold tight and I’ll do my best to help make this holiday just a wee bit better.

Halloween Wall Decor.

 

For a year that’s felt like an eternity it’s tough to believe Halloween is merely days away. It’s also hard to deny how strange a season this has been. No doubt it has required a bit more patience and cunning than usual. With that comes opportunities to create new traditions and discover different ways of setting our seasonal spaces. That’s the theme for today at least as we spend a great deal of time crafting and staring at the walls. It’s more fun that it sounds… I swear.

Let’s kick things off with a total surprise arrival. Last year Trick or Treat Studios started a line of classic die-cut style decorations based on movie properties like Child’s Play and They Live. Among them were multiple sets based on different Halloween entries. Finances sadly didn’t allow for them at the time but during the summer I used some stimulus fun bucks to order from a trusted store. Then the package got lost in Memphis. I was refunded for them way back in September and forgotten about the whole thing until a strange, thin package showed up this afternoon.

I got the set based on the original Halloween which comes with six die-cuts. The five primary decorations are awesome. The designs are outstanding, colors are bold, printing stock is solid, zero complaints on that front. However; the possible Michael has some notable quality control issues. First off he was packed in with his leg bent. Second his head is too small. Third some of his joints are too large to easily fold back up for storage. So the big one is a bit of a mess but given the overall quality of the other five I’d call these a win. Just don’t expect almost a quarter year of shipping with a full refund, think you have to win a really lame lottery for that sort of treatment.

Ghoulsville is something I’ve wanted to write about for months since getting them way back in early July. As you all know there’s been a number of distractions between then and now but it’s time to correct that little wrong. These and their accompanying smaller brothers called Mini Monsters come from a store called Retro-a-go-go with a mercifully well-made website. The pitch is simple, create large plastic replicas of vintage masks to hang on the wall. The proper Ghoulsville models are two-feet long from top to bottom whereas the mini ones are something like six inches with prices ranging across the lines from twenty to thirty-five bucks. The store does sell some at discount that are slightly defective or missing their boxes which is how I picked up my witch.

Without a doubt I adore this big old witch. It bugs nearly everyone else in the house but I think it’s just perfect. The only issue I could point out about it is the brown cardboard backing visible through the eyes, which could be a defect but it blends perfectly with our brown accent wall. The mini monster I’m not as thrilled with. No doubt it’s nice and has proper black eyes, plus the small size is a great option for those with limited space. Mini’s also come with die-cut figures that help to make up the difference. For me the whole point is having big statement pieces. You may not be infected with such monster truck thinking but that’s my recommendation all the same.

I’d read that shipping for these is a problem though both the cost and time, all of one day, were remarkable. Then I realized the store’s only fifty minutes away. Yet another reason to be a proud and drunk Michigan dweller. If you live in somewhat more civilized states maybe expect to pay a little more.

Some of you may recall from my September shopping spree that I picked up a white craft-pumpkin with the plan to create some wall-lanterns. I sat on the project for quite a while, unsure of the right time to dive in. Spending nearly every afternoon chronicling the buzzwords from educational webinars made it so my brain finally screamed out for a project. And so I offer you some tips and tricks for your own potential craft night.

First one has to talk about tools. Those with more money and skill suggest the likes of a heated craft knife or an exacto knife. Lacking the former and a fear of losing my fingertips keeping me from the later I had only one option left. Years back Pumpkin Masters made faux pumpkin books with proper tools for the project. These obviously lack the clean cutting speed of the other tools but make up for it somewhat with safety. And yeah before you ask these are the ashland pumpkins found at Michaels. Funkins are apparently the gold standard though that’s sadly reflected in the price. For the needs of any budget minded haunter these will work just fine. Oh and lay out some towels for this since the powered innards of these things will embed themselves into every available space and orifice.

This whole process amounts to three projects, the first and most arduous of which is chopping the damn thing in twain. As mentioned in that September article, Ashland used to make per-halfed craft pumpkins for just such projects. Or maybe they still do and I’m simply unlucky enough never to find them. That version trimmed off a lot of time as the other option is spending about fifty minutes slowly sawing around the obvious fuse line of the pumpkin. I suggest comfortable viewing material for this bit of the operation. Old game shows, maybe Murder She Wrote. I started at the bottom and just worked bit by bit. Don’t rush it since you can loose your line and end up with uneven halves.

After giving my hand at least one full night to recover I moved to picking out some patterns. Whether you’re using something premaid or designing your own the key thing to remember is that without the extra smooth cutting tools you don’t want to get too outlandish. Craft pumpkins simply don’t have the same kind of texture and flow as the real deal and it can take some real work to knock out some fairly basic designs. Plus there’s much to be said for the structural integrity provided by simple faces. This year I decided to split the difference with two pumpkin masters patterns, one spooky, the other goofy. As with a real pumpkin the different shaping of individual sides makes for a unique canvas. For the silly one I used the more rounded half while the scary one took a slightly off-center look. For patterns you can use wipe-off markers, maybe the water and sandwich-wrap thing so many companies suggest. For me I took the arduous path of the old pattern poker. The advantage with this approach is having little holes gives your knife a spot to bite in.

If you’ve got the tools and the time my biggest advice is to be patient and cut slowly. Mad sawing action is only gonna ruin the investment. Once you’re done simply pick a nail or put up a command hook and plop these onto the wall with a led candle inside. Bam! Instant mood booster.

This was the sort of activity I needed and might become a tradition for the next few years so I can amass a collection to cover every room and then some. Plus each year can be a different color. I went with white this time to counter the orange and black from past projects but there’s weird ones like Turquoise or Pink every so often, plus you could always do your own paint job, maybe throw in some glitter or glow-in-the-dark stuff if you wanna get fruity.

And there’s a run-down of all sorts of odd shit you can stick to your walls. There’s so much else to tell you guys about like new pets, finally finding some Mtn. Dew Frost Bite, maybe I’ll be able to bring you all a little more before Saturday. If not then maybe go track down a craft pumpkin or watch The Fog. Just do something fun and enjoy the season as much as you can. Freaky nighttime walks in the park count all the more if you’re chased by unidentified forest creatures, just sayin.

VooDew II, Franken-Cups, and a Spooky Story.

 

    More than any holiday season in my memory this one greatly depends on our ability to use whatever surprising opportunities come our way. It’s just not the kind of season where one can leisurely stroll through a store at three in the morning. You gotta get creative and adapt to your surroundings. This strategy helped me out last Monday when, after three hours of raking at a volunteer site, dove into a fairly vacant dollar general in hopes of hunting down the elusive VooDew II. Finding that alongside another notable new treat would be more than enough for an update but I’ve got a little spooky story for you all to top things off.

    Let’s kick this off with VooDew II: The Revenge, Electric Buggaloo, Dew Harder (rather like that last one). Whatever subtitle you prefer the important thing is that VooDew returned with a different mystery flavor to tantalize the masses. The packaging is similar in style but with a fresh coat of paint with a grim reaper flashing the peace sign to illustrate we’ve moved on to a second era. While I don’t think this package quite lives up to last years the difference is negligible.

    Just like last year there are a few prime guesses about the actual flavor ranging from caramel apple to Skittles (a common guess for VooDew 1). A big problem with guessing flavors like Skittles, Starburst, or Smarties for that matter is that those candies are similar to Mtn. Dew in that they’re like chicken of the snack world. What I mean is no matter what variety of Dew you’re drinking they all have that unifying Dew taste which is sort of like the unified flavor of Skittles and the like.

    How does this stuff taste then? I can see points in favor of the different groups. Yes there is a Skittles aspect so maybe that is the real answer this year. Of the two apple groups, candy or caramel, I’m leaning more towards the latter as I swear there’s a light caramel undertone to everything. Whatever the case what really matters is we have another smoothly sweet beverage to sip by the light of a jack-o-lantern. Given the general suck-factor of this year such a small luxury is positively priceless. There’s no denying this is a major delight for this Halloween and I advise anyone who comes across it to grab at least a few bottles. You won’t regret it.

    On the chocolaty end of the sugar spectrum we have Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups dressed up as new Franken-Cups. Are they a different flavor? Nope. Different size? Not at all. The only difference is how the lower half of the chocolate is colored green so each cup resembles Frankenstein’s Monster, or Adam if you don’t mind him sounding totally nonthreatening. It may not be revelatory or all that unique but, once again, it’s a small luxury. It’s one thing to watch Frankenstein while eating candy but it’s all the more special when you can pretend that candy is Karloff’s head. Should you find yourself strapped for cash I’d recommend the likes of Vampire Kisses or VooDew II over this, and those with allergies don’t have to worry about missing out on anything all that incredible. Otherwise it’s a nifty treat.

    One thing that’s been missing from my October is a good scare. Sure I’ve been watching my horror flicks and taking nighttime walks. It’s just there hasn’t been that big scary moment like you might get at a haunted house, which are a total no-go this year. Wednesday night the universe provided a good hair-raiser to snap me outta my doldrums.

    Having yet another walk the other night. A small storm was on its way in which in the meantime meant the weather was windy, wild, and just perfect for this time of year. I’d already felt a few droplets hit my nose and forehead but I couldn’t resist stretching such a wonderful excursion out for as long as possible. I decided to add at least one more block onto my route which took me past the smallest playground in town.

    Walking in the road I was still amazed by the fantastic wind sending leaves in all directions. As I looked towards the playground coming up on my right I saw something strange. A large shadow, almost like a person running while hunched over dove quickly through the shadows before disappearing into the deeper darkness near the ground. While this sight worried me I made an attempt to keep my fears in check. After all such weird shadows aren’t all that uncommon during an autumn night. I continued forward making the occasional glance at where the figure had vanished.

    Suddenly the shape returned. Whatever it was stood at child height and began moving right towards me full force. My mind raced with notions of fight or flight. Could I outrun this thing? Was it something I could actually fight? Why the hell did I have to add another block to this walk? All the questions waited for answers as I stood in place.

    At last the shape emerged into the streetlight giving me mere second to process and react. A garbage bag. A goddamn heavy-duty black garbage bag was flying right at me going the speed of an in-town car. Despite wearing clunky boots I reacted quickly with enough spring in my step to vault over the assaulting bag all while yelling “What the hell!” From then on the remainder of the walk was filled with giggles and the beginning sprinkles of a storm.

    If nothing else let tonight’s blog serve as a remainder for you all to get out there. Taking a left turn instead of a right could easily result in some new soda or an assault from flying trash. It’s those tiny moments that are helping to bridge the gap between this Halloween and those of the past. They’ve certainly done a great deal for my mood as I now truly feel like I’m celebrating my favorite season again. With that comes new plans and revelations like an idea for how to safely hand out candy and how mad scientist costumes provide perfect thematic protection. You all stay scary and I’ll try to be back by early next week with something new.

October Snack Report and Halloween Book Sale

 

For a born and breed night owl there are few things more repulsive than waking up at any hour with AM attached to it. One of the daffy aspects of current life however dictates that I must be up bright and early on the first Saturday of each month for one of my classes. Not sure if anyone on the zoom meeting realizes they’re speaking with half a pot of coffee more than there are with me but this past weekend the ordeal of dragging my corpse outta bed offered a nifty extra. For years the local library book sale has been a fixture of my Halloween celebration, one that didn’t seem likely this year. Outside of a small booth at the weekly farmers market there seemed to be no way of recreating that event. That is until the library decided to throw together a one day outdoor version marking a big change from the classic 3 day affair. I know from past experience these are incredibly unpopular posts so that’s why I’ve mixed in a snack report to keep you buggers here.

Now let’s talk books. There wasn’t much in the way of solid horror paperbacks this year, hardly any in fact. I did managed to come across multiple novels involving ghostly or magical cats which almost seems insulting given recent events though I did bring home one called Shadow by Joyce Sweeney that looks decent enough. I was very pleased to come across one of Clive Barker’s anthologies, The Inhuman Condition. Barker is far from my favorite but short stories are a godsend during busy periods like October so I’ll chalk it up to a victory all the same.

Next we enter the world of supposed non-fiction with Hanz Holzer’s Haunted America. If the name seems familiar that because Holzer is one of many authors who wrote about Amityville, namely Murder in Amityville which was the basis for the best film in the series (the second for those of you not paying attention to my Amitville articles). Haunted America is a guide to various famous haunting across the U.S. if nothing else it might serve as a fun travel guide should the world ever straighten itself out.

Finally we have the biggie from Time Life’s Enchanted Realm series. These hardcovers were guidebooks to all manner of magical topics from giants and Camelot, to ghosts and ghouls. This particular volume titled Night Creatures was the one I most often borrowed from the library to thrill at descriptions and paintings of child-eating hags and the like. If ever a series of books embodied a lazy afternoon camped out with a blanket over the furnace vent then these are it.

For whatever reason the media area was crazy well-stocked this year, to the point I actually left some items behind. Someoe either had a Dickensian burst of generosity, or merely lost their marbles, and donated the likes of Midnite Movie double-features, Tartan Asia Extreme Releases, and even a Scream Factory title. While initially excited by the prospect of an area stocked with Vincent Price multi-features I was quickly brought back down by the knowledge I already owned most of these save for Scream and Scream Again. Admittedly far from the man’s best work, and it was paired with The Oblong Box which I already own but that only makes the dollar asking price all the more sweet. Then there’s a Dark Sky Films double with some weirdo sci-fi flick called Creation of the Humanoids and the reason I got it, War Between the Planets which is part of the endearingly silly Gamma 4 series. I believe it’s often cited as the third installment of the franchise but that depends on who you ask, it’s a complicated topic. My final movie pick-up and one I’m most excited for is Doppleganger directed by Kiyoshi Kurosawa. This is the second time in a month that I’ve been able to nab one of us movies for a buck which either means society is starting to mature or we’re officially past the point of no return. At least when the idiocracy fully cements I’ll have a full stash of quality J-horror to sustain me.

Definitely not the biggest or most comprehensive book sale experience yet it helped things to feel both more normal and a little unique. Not only could I carry on a tradition but I got to do it in a new setting, chilling my feet on a wet lawn. But enough about moldy old books, some of you are just here for the fresh, chemical-filled treats.

Crush Sour Patch Kids Berry Soda

Sometimes you come across a new item in the store that must assuredly be some kind of holiday-linked stunt food only to discover zero trace of spider-webs, Christmas tress, or fireworks on the packaging. Such is the case with new Sour Patch Kids Berry Crush, a product that must be a Halloween inspired bit of indulgence yet suffers from bland presentation. If you were to stroll past the soda aisle and fail to notice this, it’d be a completely forgivable oversight since there’s little more than than the obnoxious blue color and image of a candy person to set this apart from anything else.

Regardless of the Crush group’s inability to latch on to the obvious link between candy and Halloween the thing that really matters is flavor, so how is this Windex looking concoction? Honestly… it’s pretty wild. There’s not much in the way of berry taste and the sour aspect, while there, is slightly watered-down. All that being said there’s still the sugary burst one expects from a soda like this only now it comes with an extra pop which leaves your mouth and tongue feeling a little fuzzy like you just ate a few Sour Patch Kids. It’s not a perfect translation of the candy into a soda instead feeling more like one was infused with the other. On a personal note the stuff blends pretty nicely with gin so… consider that a bonus for any booze hounds out there. I’m gonna he nice and give this a 3 out of 5, a rating that would be higher if they’d had the foresight to put something spooky on the damn bottle!

St. Julian Head Games Wine

While nowhere near as prominent as the west coast of the country, Michigan has a fairly notable selection of wineries to choose from. This time of year it’s common to see plentiful displays of Leelanau’s Witch’s Brew crowding the shelves but this year I took a different route. Seeing as I don’t pay anywhere near enough attention to the wine market I’ve no clue how recent a development St Julian’s Head Games is. Then again who am I to turn down a bottle of spiced red wine with a sparkly skull on the front?

As far as presentation I give major props for the label. It’s tacky enough to be fun without going overboard into ugly territory. Unfortunately this is a screw-top bottle so there’s none of the alluring sensation of popping out a cork. Still; the colors and shelf presence are to be commended.

Taking the first sniff is quite frankly sweet for any wine, let alone a spiced red. I hadn’t paid attention to the back of the bottle which features a handy-dandy dry to sweet scale. Guess where this thing ranks? Naturally I was in no way prepared for the liquid-candy shock headed my way. I mean this shit is like diabetic blood which makes it easy to keep in moderation. It doesn’t earn my highest recommendation but for anyone looking for something different than pumpkin ale this is a nifty treat. Let’s give it around 3.5 outta 5.

Vampire Kisses

When it comes to new Halloween editions of established candy it’s natural to expect one of the three key flavors, pumpkin spice, caramel apple, or the more divisive candy corn. Some ballsy folks at Hershey decided to forgo the standard tastes and incorporate Strawberry into their seasonal offering with Vampire Kisses. I’m gonna come right out and declare these an absolute win by the way.

The packaging itself is a total win. Not only is there a fine three-way combo of blood-red, dark chocolate brown, and a bit of purple but it only gets better once you dig into the bag. The traditional Kisses wrapping is now purple with bats. That’s the sort of attention to detail we love.

The taste is smooth and balanced with the strawberry element toned down enough to work with the chocolate without being overpowered. The fruit goo itself is thankfully smooth, not chalky or lumpy. It’s a satisfying treat that you can just pop a couple and be good with. You should get these… like go put on your mask and go get get some this instant. As for a rating I’ll put it at 4.5 to account for personal tastes.

That’s all for tonight folks. I appreciate the patience with my spotty update schedule. It’s part of the problem with balancing volunteering, regular school, life and this place. For the sake of entertainment I’m gonna try to fit in more small updates to spice up the season a little more. As for you all out there please share in any surprise events or snacks that are helping to keep this Halloween up to snuff for you.

Horror Double Features: Amityville 7 and 8

 

    It’s been some time since we last talked about the Amityville films. Some of this comes down to a personal reason for not wanting to think about one of tonight’s offerings, which we’ll get to down the line. At the same time I hate to leave any project unfinished and I’m in need of something to get the writing juices flowing in order to tackle a major paper. Yes that is absolutely a cheap excuse to avoid an assignment. Then again I’m on the honor roll so who are you to judge? So where did we last leave off? Oh yes, after some stumbling the series firmly locked itself into following cursed objects from the original Amityville house as they spread terror across the country. Sadly the franchise failed to follow the evil lamp and clock with the natural progression of demonic toilet. That being said let’s see what’s on tap.

Amityville: A New Generation

    What could be more frightening than a house full of New England specters? How about inner-city gentrification? After hitting the more tightly populated setting of modern suburbs in the last film the producers decided to go the urban route with help from the director of Santa with Muscles. Our setting is a dank neighborhood filled with homeless folks that just so happens to have a group of artists renting out lofts and frequenting coffee shops. Not exactly sure why we’re expected to root for artsy yuppies but the sad fact is we’re stuck with em for nearly 100 minutes.

    Our chief protagonist is Keyes Terry, the standard scruffy soulful guy with an interest in photography. One day while drinking coffee, alongside fellow insufferable mope Suki, Keyes notices an interesting bum he simply most photograph. Feeling he should share any potential wealth from his photos, Keyes offers the homeless man a few bucks and receives a freaky-ass mirror in return.

    Of all the cursed objects thus far the mirror is by far the lamest. While the lamp didn’t have many thematic talents it more than made up for it with sheer ferocity. The clock on the other hand featured all sorts of reality manipulating tricks to unleash on folks. The mirror just shows people basic spooky stuff and attempts to make up for it’s lack of power by looking so obviously evil that one can only wonder why anyone would ever let it in their home.

    Getting back to the core group of characters there’s Suki, the sad Asian lady with a bad love-life. She also serves as a side bit of action for loser landlord, Dick, played by David Naughton of American Werewolf fame. Dick’s wife barely exists. Richard Roundtree, aka Shaft, plays another artist whose personality is basically just sleepy Richard Roundtree. Keyes also has a girlfriend who can be summed up as 90s pretty. Terry O. Quin is a detective with a little extra interest in Keyes, and Lin Shaye shows up for a hot minute as an eccentric nurse. Clearly the cast is all over the place in terms of talent and acting style which is amplified further by the tendency for some of them to disappear for large portions of the film, Roundtree vanishes for close to an hour!

    You’re probably picking up on an air of negativity towards this movie but before I take a steaming dump on it I will pay it some compliments. For what it’s worth there is actually some effort to make New Generation into a true sequel rather than simply co-opting the Amityville name. One of the characters, bet ya can guess who, has a secret history connecting them to the old house. Timeline wise things get a bit muddled as there was apparently another family shooting before the Defeo one. You’d think that woulda been mentioned before. Of course this may simple be an adjustment of the real-life aspects in order to avoid legal trouble. Either way this is a proper continuation of the series narrative, just not a very good one.

    Of all the various problems within this movie, be it unlikable characters, piss-poor production values, or mostly bad acting, the biggest may be just who not scary the whole thing is. Not a single scare lands through this entire film, and that’s on the occasions when the movie even tries to be scary. A big span of time is spent on Keyes sorting out his emotions, which could be a commendable change of pace if there were anything else to support it.

    Still; New generation isn’t the worst entry in the series, that honor still belongs to The Amityville Curse. The music isn’t all that horrible, some of the effects are alright, and it’s nifty to see one of these movies were people don’t spend ninety percent of their time in a house. Unfortunately the efforts to make a more dramatic entry largely fall flat which makes for a pretty dull entry in the series.

Amityville Dollhouse

    Any of us who are old enough to have fond memories of rental stores have one or two pieces of cover art that, for whatever reason, stick with us. One of mine was Amityville: Doolhouse which was likely due to how inescapable it was. Seemed like every local joint kept a copy prominently displayed at every horror display. At that point I’d already seen the first few movies multiple times through venues like Monstervision though I had little interest in diving into a sea of seemingly disconnected direct-to-video features. Given the troubled release history in the dvd market for these later entries this remained unseen to me until just recently. Turns out this missing piece of the Amityville puzzle is a special kind of stupid.

    Long-time producer Steve White steps into the directors seat in order to handle the absolutely minuscule budget, supposedly there were plans to use cardboard cut-outs for some of the monster scenes. Given such a slim production you shouldn’t expect much in the way of recognizable faces save for the late Lisa Robin Kelly of That 70s Show fame.

    The story this time around concerns a blended family situation. On one end we have an architect dad with a jock teenage son and generic young daughter. His new wife has a son, Jimmy, who is unbelievably pathetic. Combine Denny from The Room and Troy from The Final Sacrifice and you’ll have a slight approximation of this goober. The supporting characters consist of the jock’s trashy girlfriend, mystic aunt Marla, and a hog-riding supernatural warrior named Tobias. Oh, and don’t forget Jimmy’s zombie dad. Given that collection of personalities you’d be right to assume this movie steps into full-scale cartoon territory.

    The story itself is straightforward enough. Family moves into new dream home, uncovers a Dollhouse in nearby evil tool shed, and soon all hell breaks loose. It’s the little details that build-up only to spin out of control. How about we start with the tool-shed left by the former property owners that makes spooky talking sounds and has newspaper clippings about a horrible family tragedy that nobody pays much attention too. See there was a horrible fire on this spot and the dad decides to use the same same chimney as the centerpiece of his new home. Oh and this might actually be his tragic family history, it’s never explicitly stated but it sure adds some creep factor to his character. There are wasps who try to burrow into peoples heads and may in fact be baby demons. Jimmy’s bonding with his undead father while his mom lusts uncontrollably for her new step-son. While all this is going on the mystical aunt entrusts her 7 year old niece with documenting the evil actions of her dollhouse.

    Notice how the titular evil object came last in that laundry list of mayhem? That’s a big indicator of how this film operates. There is no point of origin for the dollhouse and nothing to link it to the original Long Island haunting save for its appearance. Given the convoluted backstory it’s difficult to determine if the Amityville curse (not the horrible film) is causing these events or merely teaming up with the bad mojo previously accumulated by this location. Much like New Generation’s mirror there is very little in the way of thematic haunting on display. At a couple points things enter or exit the dollhouse through a sort of void space, and that’s about it.

    Despite the abysmal overall quality I can slightly recommend Dollhouse in some regard as a piece of so bad it’s good cinema. For anyone who needs a belly laugh with some friends the movie is both inept and wacky enough to provide a decent time. For my sake I ended up watching it on the same night as a personal tragedy which is permanently linked in my mind. Enjoyably bad or not this just isn’t something I’ll be returning to which is part of the reason for holding off on this article for so long.

    And with that I’m out of things to say. Only one more pair of flicks to go before we can put this series in the rear view as it enters both remake and meta territory. Suppose it’s time to act responsible and return to a seemingly endless analysis on mass-consumerism. Pray for me.

September Spree 2020

 

    If there’s anything to be certain of this Halloween it’s, somewhat fittingly, uncertainty. It’s tough to know which of our traditions will still take place and which ones are put on hiatus. At the very least this can lead to a few pleasant surprise when something you thought was unlikely happens anyway. Such is the case with today’s story of a September shopping spree. This one’s got everything from core staples to historical television, so get cozy since you might see some of these items return for another post.

    The September spree is something I never plan for but has taken place for at least half-a-decade without fail. I get up to have coffee and soon enough find myself twenty miles away investigating the newest seasonal goodies. Given that I haven’t had a trip of this nature since possibly February I had zero hope of it happening. Ya know that saying about lemons and lemonade? Well mine is when a relative needs a new leaf-blower slip into as many extra stores as you can.

    Some of this haul is predictable necessity. Light Strands for the crab-apple tree or cemetery fence, orange storage totes for reorganization, but there’s still fun to be had with these simple items like the white craft pumpkin. For a couple of years some craft stores sold artificial pumpkins that had already been sawed in half and given a hanger so you could carve and put em on the wall. I adored those halves since they made for some of the best, and easily stored decorations around. For whatever reason, stores are now content to only sell full craft pumpkins which means I’m just gonna start splitting them in twain myself. Every Halloween should have at least one project night and the addition of some new pattern books this should provide a decent distraction. And yes I got the usual array of carving pattern books. They may not be the most prestigious items around but they’re an essential part of every spooky season. You might end up seeing a guide on creating wall-pumpkins in a couple weeks.

    I did manage to dig up a few more interesting items. Can’t help but note for those who haven’t gotten out for much shopping that there is a lot of repeat stuff from last year. It makes sense of course with the state of the world, and it isn’t without some perks. Consider this blow-mold style pumpkin man I got from Michael’s. He was part of a wave of retro decorations last year and managed to escape my grasp. Not this time, little man. Also dig the light-up trio of witches for the cemetery with a third of the price already slashed off thanks to being older stock. Even managed to fit some of those torch light-bulbs into the budget. If nothing else the end of the world is surprisingly gentle on the wallet.

    Eagle-eyed readers are going to notice something that is neither new nor exclusive to Halloween yet I feel it vital to stress their value all the same. I’m talking about Zapp’s Voodoo potato chips. Despite being a year-round product there are few snacks better fit to serve as a fixture of this season. If you’ve never had them imagine something that walks the line of being spicy but not really hot. Tons of flavor, great on a sandwich, and the theme is a perfect fit on a stormy night with an old voodoo flick like I Walked With a Zombie or Sugar Hill.

    Last but definitely not least is a horror movie haul from dollar tree of all places. Actually dollar stores in general have been a nice spot to build film collections for a while now though my usual haul is just one or two titles. Last night I came across a nice spread of terror tales ranging from pure classics to silly rubbish with a spot of unique television in between. As for the five movies I was most pleased to nab a DVD of the original Pulse. The rest are all virginal to me with the supposedly wretched Wish Upon, goofy British slasher flick Severance, the often dismissed James Gunn/Greg McLean project The Belko Experiment, and some violent Rutger Hauer action via Hobo With a Shotgun. Obviously results can vary wildly but if you need to stock up on some random entertainment for the season it’s hard to argue with the price. Plus there’s one item here that needs a little more attention.

    The Hitchhiker is a 1980s anthology series from HBO. More accurately it is the very first series the channel ever had. Much like the later Tales From the Crypt this show pulled in some major talent for one-shot horror and crime stories on a weekly basis. Unlike Crypt this show is hardly ever brought up and is seemingly impossible to collect in full, there’s even a complete series release that's more like half the series if that makes a lick of damn sense. No clue if this has to do with contract issues, outright negligence, or the move to USA Network for the last few seasons. Whatever the reason this show is historically important yet almost totally forgotten. Can’t say as I’ve ever seen an episode but that all changes with this two-disc set containing 10 of what the packaging claims are the best episodes. Regardless of actual quality there’s the promise of Gary Busey which means Friday night’s gonna be alright.

    And thus concludes this years September spree. It took a little bit of retraining on my part trying to find a comfort level in these stores again since it’s been son long since I last shopped like this. Once things got moving however it felt about 56% normal. Overall a well-needed change of pace during a time of stress. Given the importance of safety however this is absolutely the year to trade advice and shopping tips whenever possible so we’re not all traipsing across the countryside in hopes of material satisfaction. That’s all I’ve got in the tank for tonight kiddos. There’s schoolwork and decorating to be done but I will reach my post quota for the month so come back in a couple days and I’ll whip up something nifty. Ta for now.