It seems odd that of all the holidays on the calendar only Halloween has iconic breakfast cereals with which to celebrate. This is especially odd at Christmas, a time of the year when flavorful items like gingerbread and eggnog abound. The various great lakes cereal groups took some stab a the problem with not one, but two elf themed eats. One is based on a tacky decoration that has tormented children for decades, the other off of a tacky comedy. To be fair Elf on the Shelf is a returning item but we’ll just pretend it’s something new and shiny. Being a man filled to the brim with holiday spirit I see it as my duty to place these two items in the arena to see who emerges as the supreme elven treat. If any of you are worried about potential biases based on license don’t worry. Not only did my family avoid the elf on a shelf tradition but we’re not big on the movie Elf either. And no I don’t care if I’m somehow missing out. Let me keep Christmas in my way. As soon as some company produces a Christmas Evil themed breakfast item then I’ll show some bias.
Round 1: Presentation.
Rating the quality of presentation for Elf is a tad odd as it is both faithful to the source material yet not all that Christmasy. On the one hand I’d like to give it a pat on the back for fan-pleasing aspects like the narwhal. On the other hand the generic snowflakes and pine trees feel more inclined to winter than to the holiday itself. That same feeling carries on to the look of the cereal. Knock off Kix with tree marshmallows says hunting cabin more than the giving season. There’s no doubt it’s a decent effort and I like the tone of Elf green that permeates the box, but it just doesn’t scream festive.
While unfortunately afflicted by a bit of that sterile design that permeates so much of modern consumerism, Elf on the Shelf manages to push out some pretty solid holiday vibes. Opting for a wintry blue color with the classic candy-cane wrapped sign alongside the elf it sorta looks like an ad for a Rankin Bass special. It’s aided immensely by the red and green star cereal pieces and flying bits of mini-marshmallows. In fact the bowl presence is what helps to set this one apart. We’re talking garland worthy foodstuffs here.
Winner: Elf on the Shelf
Round 2: Scent:
No way around it, Elf smells as if someone found a way to seal diabetes into a box. It just reeks of maple and sugar. Not only is this overpowering but it’s a dishonest hint about the eating experience to come. Once you pour some out of the bag the open air dissipates the scent into something fit for human consumption.
On the shelf is a little more subtle, still sweet smelling as all hell, just less so. It doesn’t really smell like sugar cookies however, leaning more towards rice crispie treats. What sets it apart from that mainstay is a more powdery sensation rather than the greasy undertone of treats. At least the smell is more of an honest indication of the eating experience to come.
Winner: Elf on the Shelf (for being hones)
Round 3: Dry
Once upon a time I made quite the habit of eating dry cereal, as we probably all do at one point or another. These days I’m much more of a milk guy but I still give each cereal a shot when it comes to dry snacking. On that front Elf is pretty solid. Not only is the maple flavor not as overpowering as the initial scent suggested but some of it absorbs into the marshmallow trees making for a decent treat. Elf on the Shelf isn’t so special due to the powdery sugar coating that tickles the nose along with the nearly impossible to find mini-marshmallow. Beyond that the texture of Elf on the Shelf is just awful without milk to soften it up while Elf has a comfortable crunch to it. Obvious winner here.
Winner: Elf
Round 4: With Milk
The make it or break it moment for any cereal comes with the precious addition of milk and Elf handles that addition splendidly. It absorbs at a decent enough pace to soften without turning to sludge, the marshmallows are excellent, and the maple flavor blends well with milk. It’s surprising how smooth that flavor actually is after the ridiculous smell. It’s just a well balanced cereal. Not up to the level of top tier brands but the unique flavor adds an important novelty factor.
Elf on the Shelf has a few more issues on this front. Milk absorption is wonky with the pieces staying crunchy for a prolonged period before converting to sponges. The main flavor doesn’t match any sugar cookie I’ve ever had, nor is it all the unique. Plus the tiny marshmallows are too small and infrequent to make much of a difference. This isn’t a bad cereal, just generic and a little lifeless. That being said the sweetened milk aftermath makes foe a delightful finish.
Winner: Elf
Bonus Round: Combined
In a moment of boredom an idea sprung forth. If neither of these are the end all be all of Christmas cereal, what would happen if they shared the same bowl? Unlike the Planeteers combining these powers didn’t add up to much. Both items combat each-other which makes it rare to get am even dose of both tastes. If you’re gonna get both items anyway this is still fun as a kind of breakfast roulette. Just don’t expect much in the way of results.
For the final judgment I’m declaring Elf the overall winner. Elf on the Shelf has the presentational aspects nailed but falters on vital elements like taste and texture. Elf can at least stand out as a different experience from everything else in the cereal aisle. If you’re completely outta your gourd with boredom there’s nothing wrong with getting both, feel free to indulge. The quest for a king of Christmas cereal is still ongoing however. Seeing as General Mills and Kellogs have both taken a shot I’m issuing a triple-dog-dare to Post to get off their butts next Xmas.
With that we’re back on the holiday train. I wrapped up school this past weekend, for good this time. My fancy upgraded degree should be on its way soon and I can finally push all of my writing time towards pleasurable pursuits. Ten Days till Christmas, let’s see what kinda jolly damage we can do.
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