Goodbye 2018

Normally I don't bother with end of year articles as I find them tacky. Let's be honest though, 2018 was hardly a normal year. Right now it seems impossible the year is over already as there are still so many things to talk about. At the same time I'm relieved to have it over with, and hopeful for a fresh start. For every achievement and bit of enjoyment that happened these last twelve-months there were just as many baffling and frustrating developments so I decided for once we'd take a look at what went down all while taking a look at what's to come.

Real-Life:

Here's the area where everything seems sort of like a draw. I began the year by losing my security job, possibly the only employment that didn't drive me nuts. This created a financial black hole for the entire year but also opened up the option of returning to school. That in itself was a profoundly challenging task but here I am fresh off my first two classes and signed-up for the next four. During those months of set-up I worked towards expanding my online footprint with work for horrornews.net, made great strides in my interest in board game development, made a few home improvements, and had a decent number of adventures like my weird trip to Madison Wisconsin. On the flip side the family had to contend with constant health issues on both the human and animal front. One cat nearly died from bladder blockage while the older one developed thyroid issues. The brother-in-law had some mystery illness that turned out to be a rare dental condition. My mom likewise had hospital stays resulting from a mystery issue that turned out to be an inner-ear problem. If anything We've earned the right to celebrate a new year simply because we survived.

Moving forward my main personal goal is just to get through more school. Of course I wouldn't mind finally finding a spot that will pay me for some written content cause I really do need money. I'm still gonna work on board game development and novel writing when I can. I'd like to upgrade my transportation situation as well but that's a bit down the line.

For the first time in probably a decade I have an honest-to-god resolution. It's an achievable one as well. Ya know those big 50 packs of public domain movies? I've got a bunch of em that I've only taken s few bites out of. Starting in January I'm going to make them a regular part of my viewing habits. Even then I'll likely only finish one or two of them, but at least it's a start. This plays into another thing I'm considering which is restarting my cable-access show. There's still a lot to study and work out before this could even be a possibility. At best the show could launch in the Summer. I'm hesitant to bring it up should the project flatline but if it does come to pass then it could crossover into the site and possibly lead to a few improvements on that front.

Gaming:

If nothing else this year offered plenty of opportunities to fit in a lot more video games than usual. In fact a good bit of fun came from furthering my classic gaming interests and fitting in plenty of oldies but goodies like Super Metroid, and loads of old-school beat-em ups. I made time for big modern games as well and few things did more to keep this year on track than Yakuza 6 and Dragon Quest XI.

I don't even want to think about video games for next year as there are already so many from 2018 I've yet to play. And that's on the consoles I own. If I'm ever lucky enough to get a switch I'll likely grow into my chair.

Tabletop gaming was sadly not as much of a draw for the past few seasons. To a certain extent this was due to lacking funds and space but it also felt like companies were getting sort of lazy this year. Sure there were tons of games, too many actually, and some really interesting ones like Keyforge and Azul: Stained Glass of Sintra. By and large most stuff that came out just felt sort of hallow and standard issue with bloated mechanics and boring themes. Honestly the best doses of fun came from titles that came from before 2018 like Yokohama or La Isla. Not sure where this hobby will end up in the coming months, possibly it will quet down even more as school demands more time.

Movies and TV:

There were a surprising number of actually decent films this year ranging from some major Marvel efforts to the first decent Halloween sequel in decades. As usual I've yet to find that one film I'd label as my absolute favorite, far too many still to see before making that choice. Yet of any movie going adventure the most memorable was possibly going to see Solo. Unlike the last few Star Wars movies I saw this one a few days after it's release due to my returning home from the Madison trip. It was still a day or two before getting the kitty back from the emergency vet and a trio of myself, brother-in-law and nephew went to check out the flick on a quiet Monday night showing. Unlike those massive shared experiences of the other films this felt intimate and cozy. Heading to Steak n Shake for fatty intake afterwards made a perfect therapy to counteract the stress of travel and near cat loss. It may not be a beloved film but that night was a solid time at the cinema.

Television was more of a mixed bag with me cutting ties with several shows to save time for school which felt even bigger with Agents of Shield going on an extra long break and The Originals ending. Thankfully there were still a few highlights to warm up too. We're all aware of how much I've enjoyed Lupinranger vs Patranger even if it has wasted too much time on filler. Then there was the excellence of Daredevil season 3, the joys of Hulu picking up King of the Hill after Adult swim lost it. Legacies has so far been a fine continuation of CW's attractive monster universe. And of course there's the best show of the whole year, Joe Pera Talks with You. Can't tell you how long it's been since I've seen a show this wonderful and comforting. It's the sort of thing that helps restore your faith in the world. God, we never got into my fairly recent obsession with Tubi and all the treasure hiding on there.

In the new year I'd like to write more overviews and tributes to old TV favorites along with the Sentai recaps which should finally get a new format. Movie wise I'm looking forward to vast supply of movies tailored to me from the three Marvel efforts, Episode IX, two new Godzilla efforts, Glass, US, gonna be spending a lot of time in theater seats.

Music and Books:

2018 Christmas Haul.

Two areas that suffered a bit this year, one from finances, the other energy. I feel blessed to have the moderate record set-up that I do but I'm beginning to fall behind on releases because they cost too damn much. On the other end of the spectrum I haven't read a book for pure entertainment value since our last Star Wars review. The sheer amount of reading and writing for classes totally removed any urge to crack open a book for fun. Should I be able to return to reading those books I have found a way to keep that feature running. A good thing as I'm intrigued by the oncoming batch of pre Phantom Menace era novels. Hopefully some easier classes and aims for more cash will restore these two hobbies.

Overall:

As I said earlier, this year has been a challenge with a few highlights and achievements but the real excitement is 2019.Perhaps nearing the conclusion of major pop-culture movements like Avengers: Endgame and Star Wars IX along with more serious matters like hopefully getting better leadership will make people work a bit more towards the future. My primary focus is school and getting finances restored but there's a good dozen other projects on the table. That's going to make judging the success of the coming year difficult as there could be anywhere from a couple to a crap-load of changes.

There's a ton to look forward to in 2019. This site will have its sixth anniversary and breach the 300 post mark, I'm gonna try and wrap up as many long-term goals as I can. The hope is not only that I can improve over the year but that this place can grow and continue to bring a little fun to you all out there. And take this opportunity to offer some advice on what sort of content you'd like to see in the future. Are there any items you'd like to see covered? Anything you'd like to see dropped? Whatever the case I'm glad to have you all as a readership. Hope you survived the madness of 2018 and are pumped for everything to come. Happy new year to you all.

The Juggler of Notre Dame (1982) and Holiday Treats.

Among my points of pride is the ability to both find and integrate bizarre entertainment into family holiday traditions. How many other families do you know that make a point of viewing P2 and the Everything is Terrible Holiday Special for their Christmas gatherings? Even with my ever expanding encyclopedia of strange festive viewing I can still be surprised, such as earlier this week when my oldest sister brought up memories of an old TV special. She thankfully remembered the title which meant it didn't take long to hunt down, and thanks to Amazon Prime we were soon viewing on of the most head-scratching Christmas specials I've seen in some time called The Juggler of Notre Dame.

As far as background is concerned there's very little to be found. It is a modernized (as of the early 80s) retelling of an old Christmas tale with a fair share of additional wrinkles. The thing is only an hour long which leads me to believe it was made for a programming block like Hallmark Hall of Fame or Wonderful World of Disney but so far I've been unable to track the point of origin. The betamax tape I found on ebay was distributed by Buena Vista which leads some credence to the latter theory. Outside of that I can tell you it was directed by a man who spent nearly his whole career in television and stars an actual juggler along with Melinda Dillon of A Christmas Story and Close Encounters fame. If anybody has some deeper information on the project, please share. For now let's move onto the story proper.

Right off the bat we're treated to slow-motion juggling accompanied by some terrible music. I really can't stress how bad the music is for anyone who takes an interest in viewing this in full. Anyway our juggler is named Barnaby and he lives on the street, preforming his act to make a cheap buck whenever possible. He soon attracts the attention of a fellow homeless man named Sparrow who believes Barnaby's juggling skills to be a profound gift from god. Before long the pair begin to travel together putting on shows to support themselves as Sparrow learns and hones his own juggling skills.

While the pairs friendship grows Barnaby still can't get over the tragic events that lead to his life as a bum. He used to be a major entertainer in the circus until his wife fell to her death during a trapeze act. This loss is supposed to be all the more dramatic as a man who's entire livelihood is based around catching things couldn't catch her. I'm not being sarcastic, the damn show actually makes a point of this. Still, things are looking up thanks to this new friendship. That is until one night when some other bums rob Barnaby and Sparrow, the latter of which tries to retrieve the money only to be stabbed to death in the process.

Alone again, Barnaby throws his juggling equipment into the river and walks the Earth as an empty shell of a man. That is until he walks by some guy who offers him a spot as his new sculpture model, sounds totally legitimate. This artist is part of a community working on restoring an old church with his statue of the Virgin Mary as the centerpiece, and of course being this story the statue looks just like Barnaby's dead wife.

The next twenty-odd minutes are spent with Barnaby living among this community of people who cannot stop obsessing over how sad and broken their new acquaintance is. The worst offender is Melinda Dillon as the sculptor's sister who takes any opportunity to bag on Barnaby and treat him like a total shitbag. This just keeps going with one conversation after another as these people brag about their faith while Barnaby understandably acts disinterested.

By this point I'm assuming you're asking the same question that I was while watching this special. That question being what the hell does any of this have to do with Christmas? Thus far there has been zero sign of lights, songs, cheer, or snow for that matter as it's painfully obvious this was filmed in California. Instead we've been treated to an ample amount of circus PTSD and hobo stabbings. The final act makes it all clear as the community makes a point of creating a display around the Virgin Mary statue on Christmas Eve with everyone making some kind of offering to it. Barnaby plans to leave that night as he has no faith nor anything to offer. Even so he goes by the statue before leaving where he is greeted by the ghost of Sparrow. Despite being recently murdered the guy's in a pretty upbeat mood and gives Barnaby this whole speech about how he needs to juggle again and share his magical gift with the world. There's also a fair share of platitudes about there being love in the world and how Jesus still loves Barnaby, despite all evidence to the contrary. That's when the set of juggling tools that had been previously tossed in the river appear at the feet of the statue.

Finally Barnaby begins to perform his act for the statue. He juggles pins and balls, balances spinning plates on large forks held in his mouth, guy pulls out the entire act. Some kids see him from afar and go to gather the other characters so they can witness. As everyone gathers round to watch shit gets extra crazy as the statue comes to life and gifts Barnaby with a rose. This isn't in his mind either, everybody sees it happen. Credits roll and I sit there dumbfounded at what we've just witnessed.

Turns out this a major over-complication of the original tale where the juggler is a monk, thus his lack of anything to offer. His fellow monks judge his juggling act as blasphemy until the statue offers him a rose thus extolling the virtues of giving whatever you can. There's no redemption arc, dead wives, or bum fights to worry about in that version. Still; even with the awful music and low production values this is enough of a strange novelty that I just have to share with you all out there. There's plenty of avenues to hunt it down too as it is available to stream, has some video uploads on the web, and somehow managed a DVD release. It's not something I'd recommend as quality viewing so much as a weird experience and conversation piece.

I was lucky enough to recover from this special with another outing to search for holiday goodies and while most of what I brought home is decent enough I may have found the best under the radar snack of the whole season. Looking at that stash there's some good beer, and decent tic-tacs, but those Voortman Gingerbread Wafers are far and away the best thing I've come across all month. Their biggest strength is that they somehow get better with each bite. That first taste is a little shocking as these are made with real ginger, but then the second nibble comes across as smother and sweater, and that experience continues into the third and fourth chomp. It doesn't take much effort to find yourself five wafers deep with no plans to stop. What worries me is that I don't know how far the Voortman brand reaches into the U.S. So I have no way of knowing how many of you can realistically get these. For those that have the opportunity however these are totally worth braving a busy store for.

Also of note for my holidays is that I was finally able to complete a personal mission. It's been bugging me that my family has never owned any plastic blow-mold decorations for any holiday. The goal was to change that fact but so many stores didn't want to comply with this plan as the likes of Wal-Mart, Meijer, and Target didn't even bother to stock any form of blow-mold. Of all things it was home-improvement chain, Menards that saved the day with their dutch auction sale giving me the chance to nab the last Noel candle for just over 12 bucks. Not only that but I was able to bring home a strand of big old C9 bulbs, or as I refer to them used car lot lights. Now the front door is properly outlined in a festive glow.

That's all for tonight, kids. Hopefully I can get back to you with one more Christmas post to help make your season a little more fun. Tonight I'm gonna have a little break with some beer and some of those essential Christmas horror flicks like Silent Night, Bloody Night. If I'm not back by Tuesday then I wish you all a merry Christmas. Do let me know if you encounter any animated statues.

Stadium of Lights and Holiday Snacks

It never ceases to amaze how each iteration of a holiday has a unique style and mood to it. Some are easy, laid back affairs while others take on that perfect mix of atmosphere and emotional depth. Then there’s the one’s that sort of limp along. Those are the ones that require a little extra prodding to keep moving. Sadly that seems to be the mood of this season. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are still plenty of happy families enjoying their holiday it just seems like a number of people are responding with a confused shrug in regards to seasonal enjoyment. Seeing as the endurance test of school left me with precious little of the season to enjoy, I’ve gone into overdrive in an attempt to make this Christmas count for something.

As soon as I wrapped up the final test of the year it was time to get my butt over to Cooley Law Stadium, home of the Lansing Lugnuts. If you’ve never heard of the team, don’t worry, just know this is a minor league baseball local. The reason for visiting in the middle of December is that Shawhaven Farm, otherwise known for putting on an excellent haunted attraction, joined up with Lansing to put on a holiday light show at the stadium. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to stretch my holly jolly legs as Christmas outings aren’t very common for our family and at only five bucks a person the risk was relatively low.

Upon entering we were greeted by a display of animated singing tress which set the tone for the place. Pretty much everything is timed to music which turned out to be both a pro and con. The nice part is that whenever you reach a fine perch there was likely to be multiple objects dancing to their own tune. The problem is the pockets where those songs meet and how bad some of the choices are. Some trees singing Beach Boys material ain’t so bad until it’s in direct conflict with Let it Go echoing from the diamond. Mercifully there’s enough open air for most of this noise pollution to dissipate providing the opportunity to focus on the lights and people.

And what of the lights themselves? Well they were solid with different displays of regular strands along with themed displays like the twelves days of Christmas, and even a few inflatables to fill in some bald spots. Even so there were a few spots that left a little to be desired. Take what we referred to as the Hanukkah corner for example, it seems positively barren compared to areas like the main walkway.

There were two ways to explore the show, one is of course walking which we did for our first go-around, the other actually made those less interesting spots less problematic. We're talking about a cheap version of the polar express, actually it was a tractor with some carts behind it but this provides a quicker means of bouncing between the separate ends of the stadium. The conductor was absolutely high on holiday bliss, I’d guess schnapps. Far ore likely his mind had snapped from hearing the same line-up of songs a thousand times over. The different sections he could drop us off at included activities like fire pits, a letter writing station for kids to get in touch with Santa, and drink stations for everything from cocoa to the hard stuff.

Approaching the exit I noticed something familiar yet out of place. Remember how Shawhaven is known for their haunted attraction? Part of that is a group of animated singing light monsters which were on display here only with Santa hats to make them seasonally appropriate. This felt like the perfect way to respect the full scope of the holidays. We don’t often think of it amid all the rush of December but our celebration truly began months ago when we were picking up plastic skeletons and severed hands to display around the house. From then on it was a whirlwind of slasher-flicks, turkey, parades, and malfunctioning lights. To see this idea personified in such a tacky fashion really brings home how much the last quarter of the year is connected and why it's always the best time to be alive. Kinda makes me want to dress a pumpkin in a diaper and call it baby new year.

The light show made for a decent way to kickstart my celebratory spirit but I still needed fuel to keep that fire burning so I went off in search of snacks and novelties to nourish my regained jolly outlook. Lucky me our next stop got me off to a good start with Red Bull Winter Edition. I'm not usually big on this brand but this one could grow on me. The flavor is something like if you watered down regular Red Bull and then added melted gummy bears to pep it up. This bizarre combo comes across as both flavorless and incredibly sweet at the same time and imparts a neat wintry feeling in the process. While definitely not for everyone I'd like to pick up a few more cans for those nights that require a festive touch.

Next up was Target which didn't provide everything I was looking for, still can't find Entenmenn's gingerbread crème rolls anywhere. What I did find was still good enough to satisfy my needs. Possibly the crown jewel of this stash are the cinnamon chocolate milano cookies. Oh my god these are just great. I've never encountered a milano this fulfilling. In the candy arena we have Hot Cocoa M&M's which live up to their name as they taste like a decent cup of Swiss Miss with the little marshmallows. I suppose your enjoyment will depend on how much you enjoy basic cocoa flavor. After that is gingerbread Life cereal which returns this year and is still good, just nowhere near as awesome as their pumpkin spice variety. Lastly I brought home some gingerbread coffee from Archer Farms. Still not sure how I feel about this roast. After my first cup I would say no, don't bother. The second day I thought a bit better of it. It seems like one of those flavors that can be good given the right mood but is otherwise sort of underwhelming.

In the days following my release from the toils of school I've been putting up more lights, turning on more holiday viewing, and doing what little Christmas shopping I can on a tight budget. Also managed to outline the garage in lights for the first time ever and finally put up the Christmas village. The family has gotten in the spirit as well by adding LED candles to the eye holes on the Krampus mask. While I still get the impression this is sort of a blah year for many people it's nice to see the little adventures still hold their appeal. If you're feeling a bit down and out you should go in search of something like this light show or failing that scour some different stores in search of some new snacks to fill your belly. The experience might just do wonders for your outlook. Also keep your eyes open as I hope to get in a couple more Christmas posts completed by next Tuesday. Till then be good boys and girls.

Patrick Swayze Christmas Barstool 2018.

After what feels like an eternity I’m finally capable of digging myself out from under the weight of endless coursework. Ya know what I’ve found upon this glimpse of freedom? It’s almost Christmas! I mean sure I knew far enough in advance to put up the tree and outdoor stuff but it hardly feels like I’ve done anything seasonal. With less than two weeks to go before the big event I’d say it’s fine time to go full-on jolly. Reaching the necessary level of holiday spirit requires the right inspiration. I need a task of such ehterial value that it would postivily guarantee a hot injection of holiday spirit. Knowing there is only one project fit for such spiritual enlightenment I turned to the most ancient and sacred of traditions, the Patrick Swayze Christmas Barstool.

Originally mentioned in a song by Mystery Science Theater 3000, this tradition is hardly one of my own creation though I am a devoted follower. During my years of celebrating this practice I have worked towards constant improvement by including some of the teachings of Dinosaur Dracula’s Halloween Mood Table. The core outline of the project is to decorate a seat of some kind, preferably a barstool but couches and ottomans are acceptable alternatives. Any religious or heathen belief is valued under the wise teaching is Swayze, so feel free to deck this thing out with menorahs or Star Wars ornaments. Most of all you should strive to use whatever oddities you have lying around to create a tacky holiday display, extra points if you manage to include his holiness Patrick Swayze.

Going into this years model I was very excited as the flipped over couch I used for the Halloween mood table was still in place, allowing for an extra roomy variation. Admitted not every piece of my vision came true. There were no table cloths or tree skirts large enough to hide the totes of auction items hiding underneath and I’ve yet to arrange a twisted version of the nativity featuring the likes of Ultraman and Leatherface. With enough time and inspiration I may yet put a little extra work into this one as the season progresses. Given the materials on hand though I’d say it managed to come out a winner It is both less than I’d imagined yet better than I’d hopped. Does that make any sense?

Lining the outside of the couch base are gold pearls and some extra thick garland which are both draped along the front thanks to a couple of stocking hangers, one snowman, the other reindeer. Originally there was a third hanger in the center but Santa got in the way of things forcing me to switch to good old scotch tape. The top display is lined with a strand of multi-colored lights that snake up the small tree on the right along with some bells. I can’t begin to impart the bizarre difficulty of this task as so many strands are half-dead this year. Remember how LED was supposed to eliminate such issues?

On the left end of the table we have a classic ceramic tree. When I say classic I mean it, this thing is old enough to likely be coated in lead paint. Should every article from now on become dramatically worse just blame the holly jolly chemicals slipping into my bloodstream.

At the heart of everything lies the stool which is largely decorated in the same manner as last year with two key additions. First should be quite obvious which is a Krampus mask. If we’re to honor the greatest holiday heroes of all time surely we should include this supernatural disciplinarian. The mask was made by Trick or Treat studios based on the delightful Krampus movie from a few years back and while it is actually one of the dark elves from that film it is the most like a traditional depiction of the Christmas demon. Neat thing is we originally order a different, cheaper, mask only to end up with this one. It’s almost impossible to wear but as a decoration it’s a thing of true beauty. Best of all the slowly changing colors of the fiber-optic light strand give the mask a variety of different moods. Upon entering the basement you could encounter anything from laid-back Krampus to fiery eyes of rage Krampus.

Even with the relative ease at which this project came together there was still a missing final touch. Thinking quickly I remembered that the recent cleaning of the book shelves left me with some very basic metal bookends to use as display stands. I then reached towards our movie stash to retrieve the reason for the season, everyone's favorite movie, Roadhouse. Now the saint of fancy footwork can watch over us from his perch. Think of it as Swayze is the guiding star of Bethlehem and Jesus is his new Saturday night thing.

Somehow the completion of this project fills me with a sense of peace. It no longer matters that I still have a test to finish. I have the spirit of Swayze reminding me to be nice until it comes time to not be nice. Though the regularity of postings has been spotty lately that's all about to change. Winter break is here and there's plenty of items I want to share with you all. Plus the spring courses promise to be far less punishing so we should be fairly stable for a while. I hope to be back with something new in a couple days. Until then I encourage you all to dig out your remaining decorations and attack that chair nobody sits in. Swayze will bless you.

1992 Thanksgiving Parade Part 2

Hello once again turkey fanatics. I'm well aware that December is an odd time to be discussing a Thanksgiving day parade but you've all surely noticed that I hadn't wrapped this beast up just yet. Yours truly has been sidetracked by a massive to-do list of late and I've been keeping this warming on the back-burner. Of course the universe saw fit to kick me square in the goodies and expand that list of responsibilities even further But dammit, if we want to usher in December with style then we have to send out Turkey season properly. While we have this wee spot of time between term papers and IKEA furniture let's settle in and return to the early 90s once more for the remainder of the 1992 Detroit Thanksgiving Day Parade!

Picking up from where we left off, the streets of Detroit are still littered with clowns. No way could I ever show off all the appearances of these painted goons. Just know that when it comes to pure terrifying clown action the motor city beast Pennywise every time.

As far as novelty acts are concerned, the Fred Hill Drill team is, if nothing else, unique. The performance is based around having white-collar business types like lawyers, bankers, and doctors conduct military style drill routines in a two-piece suit with suitcase in place of rifle. It's the sort of thing your mom might declare as neat or cute while you sit and scratch your head in confusion.

The Chilly Willy fan club was next up with Cuddles himself riding shotgun. Yes, Chuck Gaidica survived the rampage of Methany the inflatable T-Rex and continues to prattle on. What's important is what's going on behind him. No, not the clown girl immediately behind Chuck, but the one behind her, wedged to the far right of the picture. Whether we're looking at the inspiration for Heath Ledger's Joker or something from Ju-on we'll never know. Perhaps I'm sounding a bit like a broken record but this really is one strange parade. I was able to check out the newest installment this year, and while it may be odd and tacky, it all feels positively normal in comparison to what's on this tape.

Given how strange this has all become, let's take an ad-break. Ahhh yes, a spot introducing the GM credit card. You'd better believe this plastic accessory provided plenty of Christmas goodies for any of us under the company umbrella. It's nearly impossible to think of what that corporation meant to Michigan families back then against the lurching shit-stain they are today. Sure they were always a little terrible, at least back then we could benefit from it. Damn, this commercial break got real moody, let's head back to the show.

Now this is more like it. Another Balloon incident as fierce winds turns two fish friends into a sort of swirly mating display. Sure it's a little odd how these come equipped with pouty lips but givin everything else we've experienced during this march of madness a slightly slutty looking fish is downright wholesome. In fact the entire show sort of settles down for a few minutes Martha Reeves sings accompanied by Rollerblade dancers, we get some nice toy city ads, this is getting downright cozy, what's the catch?

Time for a little local color as we meet the Eaton Rapids marching band. At this point in history these guys were the band to beat in mid-Michigan. No matter their level of success, nothing can change the local way of referring to Eaton Rapids townsfolk as river rats. Yeah, that's how small town folk spend their time, coming up with alliterative insults for their neighbors. Accompanying the band is what appears to be the product of an unholy union between Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

Yes the giant heads are back in full force. There's a rather large grouping not long after Magnum including such forgotten personalities as Ross Perot. Then there's the unholiest abomination to stalk the streets of Detroit that isn't Kid Rock. Just look at the misshapen representation of Bob Seger. That same head was still in use this year, meaning his mouth has spent decades locked in a scream no one can hear. This getting to be far too weird, What could possibly come next?

Ok, so I fudged the timeline a little. After the heads was a teddy bear balloon with a tendency to hump it's handlers and a woman La-Z-Boy furniture had dubbed Christmas Carol (har har). I find the Turkey Trot float far more interesting as it offers two separate yet equally strange representations of the iconic bird. Somehow this paring was tied in with about four different brand names along with a well-known sports announcer who largely worked on Tiger's Baseball games. Is this making any sense to you? Cause I'm lost.

Far be it for me to assume the mental state of young girls but I highly doubt The Michigan Magic Twirling Team figured that a day at the parade would turn out to be prime blackmail material nearly 30 years later. Honestly I'm not sure what's more egregious, the bedazzled Power Ranger outfits or the Conan O'Brian hairdos.

We move on to the Holland marching band who may have been the reason for this tape as it was marked with the words “marching band” and these guys had a whole segment to themselves during the first hour of the show. Of course what could be more Dutch than a windmill and... oh lord. This may be difficult to illustrate without video but the blades of the windmill had no inner supports to hold them in place. The result was each blade moving independently in a twisted tentacle dance befitting one of Lovecraft's elder gods.

We're treated to a few more inflatables that can't hold a candle to the bizarre tulip-munching monstrosity that preceded them. Then we have a quick visit from the Geoffrey Mobile! In a year where we've seen Toys 'R' Us go out of business only to reappear in Kroger of all places this was a fine reminder of better days. Along with Geoffrey are the lesser known mascots who are all there to remind kids to start bugging their parents for presents. Of course the only thing that could possible follow this float is more clowns, culminating in the Twin Circus Wagons. Heaven have mercy what a twisted display this is with all manner of twisted beasts glaring out from their colorful prison. Maybe it's time for some more ads.

Oh hell yes, it's Bob Evens, down on the farm! Admittedly I have little in the way of love for the restaurant itself. They serve completely serviceable food that doesn't send me screaming to the toilet, for that I am grateful. I do harbor some mad nostalgia for their classic ads however and this is a class-act right here. We get the usual holiday sentiments about family and glad tidings accompanied by food porn shots of breakfast sausage. Close it all with a festive homestead and you've got a winner.

Returning to the show we happen once again upon clowns. God dammit is there no end to these things? This newest variety rolls on large metal beams with which to chase down unsuspecting children all the quicker. In their wake is the oddly named Hob Nobble Gobble which in truth is giant mutant turkey dressed as a pilgrim. Upon closer inspection he very much resembles Shin Godzilla. Don't believe me? Do a quick image search, I'll wait... It's uncanny, right?

Time for the final musical interlude of the program with a brief bit of Broadway in Michigan. I have no idea what show these people were preforming but at one point you can hear one exclaim that they can't hear themselves so perhaps they're just as lost. What really matters is this little number yielded some of the most entertaining photos of the entire evening.

Time for more ads, this time with the Crash Test Dummies. There are plenty of toy ads on this tape yet few better embody the time-period than this pair. Only in the early 90s could a series of safety ads inspire a whole media franchise based on two fools with the ability to survive horrific bodily harm. While I never had any of the toys back then, this commercial makes me long for a figure or two.

We're in the endgame folks. There's some more marching bands, a surprisingly classy Dumbo Balloon and the arrival of a major parade staple, the Doodlebug. You knew this thing couldn't wrap up without at least one last dose of pure terror. This bug slithers through the streets like a giant serpent surrounded by a cadre of metallic clowns. It's like something out of biblical prophecy. According to the first hour of special coverage, 92 marked the return of this float after something like a decade of slumber. It's still in use today though its' servants are far less intimidating.

Thus far I've neglected to report on most of the bands as there's only so much you can say about each one. Thankfully we are treated to the Cass Tech marching band who arrive to break up all the corny white-bread nonsense filling the streets. These cats are damn good with a fine drum-line to boot. The commentators mention that the band wasn't original scheduled for the parade until they won the spot in some competition. Seems downright silly as they are likely the best band in the entire parade. It's a little disconcerting that they are pursued by a giant, militant, white guy with a raised fist. Then again, nobody ever accused the holidays of being woke.

That floating nutcracker singles the long-awaited arrival of Santa Clause. The big man himself pulls up in his gaudy float, says a few kind words to the kiddies, and receives a key to the city to aid him in his work. With that, the parade is finished. There's probably an entire third post worth of additional details and advertisements to share but I'd prefer to leave a few surprises should I get around to digitizing this thing. On a final note we waited until after the credits to see if there was anything else on the tape. After the fuzzy portion separating previous recordings from the new stuff we find the ending portion of Jewel of the Nile. Oddly fitting as Michael Douglas is about the best thing to end any holiday celebration.

You may not recall the framing device from part 1 but let's just say viewing this tape regrew a bit of my soul, giving me the boost needed to make it through the current grind. Capping off Thanksgiving night with a viewing of Tough Guys Don't Dance helped too. We can now look forward to all the splender of December. I've got a few special items planned, including the new deluxe version of the Patrick Swayze Christmas Barstool. With any luck I'll be back soon.

1992 Thanksgiving Parade Part 1

Earlier this year, Adult Swim finally managed to put together a good live-action show in Joe Pera Talks with You. I bring up the series because in one episode Joe goes on his annual fall drive after Halloween to send his Jack o'Lantern downstream before returning home to eat warm apples and regrow his soul. Yes it's about as weird as it sounds but at the same time is delightful and more than a bit meaningful for those of us who put our all into holiday celebration. Since Halloween ended I've had little chance for a good regrowth. Lucky for me I had something stashed away in case of emergency. You all better remember this framing device cause it's gonna be a while before we come back to it.

Last year, in a display of free VHS tapes, I came across an old Kodak tape with the title, 1992 Thanksgiving Parade. The other night I finally settled in with some family members and a plate full of new Cheeseburger pizza rolls, and had the time of my life. Now it's time to spread the joy to you all out there. Get comfy cause this one's gonna require at least two posts to get through. Also prepare for off-screen photos as I currently lack the technology to digitize this treasure, though I'm totally asking Santa for it.

The parade in question is in fact the 66^th annual Michigan Thanksgiving Parade, or as it's sometimes called, America's Parade. Despite spending my entire life in the mitten I'm only slightly familiar with this event. In my defense most Lansing affiliates witch over to national feeds for the likes of Macy's. Like its competition this features the usual assortment of marching bands, novelty acts, musical numbers, and balloons, though as you'll soon find see, everything is a little left of center.

Let's start with some of the personalities peppered throughout this event. First up is Mort Crim, who aside from having a name badass enough to be an 80s cartoon villain apparently served as the inspiration for Ron Burgundy. This guy has worked multiple news outlets, penned novels, flown around the world, I think fighting a dragon was listed as one of his accomplishments. He's got that classic air of professionalism that leaves no doubt he spikes his morning coffee. Next to Mort we have Carmen Harlan, who spent decades working Detroit news, retiring only a couple years ago followed bu plans to launch a fashion line.

Their man on the street is Chuck Gaidica, another long-time newscaster from the region who provides much of the uncomfortable comedy during the broadcast. Along for the ride are two girls who won a competition to be junior reporters for the day. My distaste for Facebook is well-known but if anyone happens across Sarah Garlak or Erika Quinn please point them in this direction. Anyways these poor girls are stuck with Chuck who by modern standards might be considered a bit touchy. Not saying he's a pervert or anything, though he did write two books about cuddles, just putting that out there.

Not unlike other major parades the first hour of this broadcast is mostly filler material. There's a full spectrum of behind-the-scenes puff pieces, a bit about mounted police, Chuck leading young girls around Detroit. Not much of anything spectacular in this part aside from looks at outdated technology and fashion. Everyone involved in this production is at a constant risk of tripping over a cord. The real discovery here is that this bad boy has all the ad breaks as god-intended. A lot of this stuff is regional which for a flock of Michigan folk was a blast from the past. We''l slice these in as we go along starting with TJ Maxx, not because of any nostalgia but to share this picture of two models to drive home the point that this is 1992. Marching bands are playing music from Hook and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, it's a different time alright.

After nearly a full hour of preamble and a tacky musical number, the parade was on at last. And what better way to march in America's third or fourth favorite holiday than policemen with phallic flags and Thomas the Tank Engine's terrifying twin who works for the U.S. Postal service. Let this serve as an early warning that a fair bit of this event serves as nightmare fuel, especially for those scared of clowns. Those jolly monsters weave between every float and under every balloon. Detroit must have been infested with clowns long before the insane rapping variety hit the scene.

Ad Break! One of my favorite spots of the entire show was all about rediscovering downtown Davison, a little burg just east of Flint. We're talking about some pure small-town nonsense with our couple doing their holiday shopping at a pharmacy and seemingly signing an insurance policy. Nothing says happy holidays like accidental-death coverage which the pair salute with a thumbs up.

Another common theme of this event are disarmingly straightforward balloons. You won't find the star power of Garfield or Snoopy, but you will stare in awe at Puppy. Yes, the one and only Puppy. Maybe too much of a deep cut? Further balloons stick to generic characters but the best part of their contribution is just getting started. See how Puppy is veering off to the side? The main staging area for this broadcast had some classic Michigan wind which routinely sent balloons spiraling out of control as clowns struggle to wrangle them. This phenomenon will come to a head later on but not before Captain Detroit and Fopa the elf are dragged kicking and screaming down the streets of Detroit.

Time for another ad break, this time featuring Value City's Moonlight Madness sale. Some of these stores still exist in the stretch between Chicago and Toledo though the Lansing outlet listed here is long gone. That old Lansing branch was a dark and dingy place created solely to inspire the worst purchases possible. This was a store with a bin of unwanted and unknown video games that somehow managed to be severely under-stocked. Think of it as a dangerously low ball pit full of broken dreams. This is the same store where my family once purchased a Christmas tree train that was guaranteed to derail on every turn. There was much weeping in Santa's village that year.

Our next specimen might require you to enlarge the photo. Marching alongside the Red Thistle Pipes & Drum was a mysterious giant-headed clown who would prove to be first in a line of similar creatures. Apparently these big paper-mache heads are a hallmark of this event with some of them resembling celebrities but all offering a glimpse into the darkest recesses of the human mind.

Sometimes life give us a perfect shinning moment of joy such as when this broadcast temporally transformed into a low-budget rendition of Cloverfield. Meet Methany the dinosaur. Perhaps aching out of the need to prove herself more than a derpy gas-filled novelty with a pun name, she breaks free of her restraints to wreck havoc upon her clown handlers and Chuck “cuddles” Gaidica. Whether it's the shaky camerawork or Gaidica's apparent fear at potentially being crushed by an inflatable T-Rex this moment is pure gold. If ever an image begged to be immortalized on the ceiling of a great chapel, this is it.

Let's go to another clump of ads and talk about this classy piece from Meijer. As a camera pans up a large forest tree rigged with lights, a calm old narrator speaks of how many stores have enough selection fit under most trees, but at Meijer they've got enough to fill a whole lot more. Cue the rest of the forest lighting up bit by bit with the spread of joyful holiday materialism. This is all done to a slow take on O Christmas Tree. Holy fuck is this one ever good. It walks that fine line of encouraging the audience to shop without ever tossing numbers or products in our face.

Also courtesy of Meijer was a pair of Toy City commercials. While it's not so much the case now, the toy department in Meijer stores used to be enormous with a whopping game video game aisle to boot. Toy City wasn't far off as descriptions go, and the ads associated with it during this parade bring back the warm and fuzzes. They're themed in a sort of art-deco metropolitan design that was marketable to kids thanks to movies like Batman, Dick Tracy, and The Rocketeer. In each one a newsboy shouts out the great deals to be found such as Sonic 2. As far as big ticket items for the season, this one was a juggernaut. Any kid who already had a Genesis, or was considering conversation, looked at this as an almost religious event, and the sales were crazy. Even today it's hard to come across a Genesis without a copy of this nearby.

Back to the show we have another bizarre float, this time featuring the tortoise and the hair. I'll be straight up with you guys, the tortoise isn't all the special. He exists in that generic space of things designed with kids in mind that manages to mix both cute and repugnant together. His big-eared friend on the other hand seems to be the result of a bet to see who could scare the most children. The sheer madness of this thing is further intensified by the cameramen who gets right up close and tilt to provide that perfect kaiju movie vibe.

You'd think the organizers would provide a nice break from the terror you'd be wrong. Not far behind the evil bunny is a K-Mart clown balloon. That's right, these suckers have gone airborne. The visual of this thing surrounded by a group of normal clowns comes across like a species of insect carrying their queen to safety. I think that's the best image to close out this first installment. Gonna try and pick this up again either Thanksgiving night or or perhaps Black Friday. There's still a lot of ground to cover so keep your fingers crossed. For now I wish you all a happy Thanksgiving. Indulge your gluttonous nature, check out a bad movie or two, but most of all relax. You'll need your strength for the second installment of this parade.