Earlier this year, Adult Swim finally
managed to put together a good live-action show in Joe Pera Talks
with You. I bring up the series because in one episode Joe goes
on his annual fall drive after Halloween to send his Jack o'Lantern
downstream before returning home to eat warm apples and regrow his
soul. Yes it's about as weird as it sounds but at the same time is
delightful and more than a bit meaningful for those of us who put our
all into holiday celebration. Since Halloween ended I've had little
chance for a good regrowth. Lucky for me I had something stashed away
in case of emergency. You all better remember this framing device
cause it's gonna be a while before we come back to it.
Last year, in a display of free VHS
tapes, I came across an old Kodak tape with the title, 1992
Thanksgiving Parade. The other night I finally settled in with
some family members and a plate full of new Cheeseburger pizza rolls,
and had the time of my life. Now it's time to spread the joy to you
all out there. Get comfy cause this one's gonna require at least two
posts to get through. Also prepare for off-screen photos as I
currently lack the technology to digitize this treasure, though I'm
totally asking Santa for it.
The parade in question is in fact the
66th annual Michigan Thanksgiving Parade, or as it's
sometimes called, America's Parade. Despite spending my entire life
in the mitten I'm only slightly familiar with this event. In my
defense most Lansing affiliates witch over to national feeds for the
likes of Macy's. Like its competition this features the usual
assortment of marching bands, novelty acts, musical numbers, and
balloons, though as you'll soon find see, everything is a little left
of center.
Let's start with some of the
personalities peppered throughout this event. First up is Mort Crim,
who aside from having a name badass enough to be an 80s cartoon
villain apparently served as the inspiration for Ron Burgundy. This
guy has worked multiple news outlets, penned novels, flown around the
world, I think fighting a dragon was listed as one of his
accomplishments. He's got that classic air of professionalism that
leaves no doubt he spikes his morning coffee. Next to Mort we have
Carmen Harlan, who spent decades working Detroit news, retiring only
a couple years ago followed bu plans to launch a fashion line.
Their man on the street is Chuck
Gaidica, another long-time newscaster from the region who provides
much of the uncomfortable comedy during the broadcast. Along for the
ride are two girls who won a competition to be junior reporters for
the day. My distaste for Facebook is well-known but if anyone happens
across Sarah Garlak or Erika Quinn please point them in this
direction. Anyways these poor girls are stuck with Chuck who by
modern standards might be considered a bit touchy. Not saying he's a
pervert or anything, though he did write two books about cuddles,
just putting that out there.
Not unlike other major parades the
first hour of this broadcast is mostly filler material. There's a
full spectrum of behind-the-scenes puff pieces, a bit about mounted
police, Chuck leading young girls around Detroit. Not much of
anything spectacular in this part aside from looks at outdated
technology and fashion. Everyone involved in this production is at a
constant risk of tripping over a cord. The real discovery here is
that this bad boy has all the ad breaks as god-intended. A lot of
this stuff is regional which for a flock of Michigan folk was a blast
from the past. We''l slice these in as we go along starting with TJ
Maxx, not because of any nostalgia but to share this picture of two
models to drive home the point that this is 1992. Marching bands are
playing music from Hook and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves,
it's a different time alright.
After nearly a full hour of preamble
and a tacky musical number, the parade was on at last. And what
better way to march in America's third or fourth favorite holiday
than policemen with phallic flags and Thomas the Tank Engine's
terrifying twin who works for the U.S. Postal service. Let this serve
as an early warning that a fair bit of this event serves as nightmare
fuel, especially for those scared of clowns. Those jolly monsters
weave between every float and under every balloon. Detroit must have
been infested with clowns long before the insane rapping variety hit
the scene.
Ad Break! One of my favorite spots of
the entire show was all about rediscovering downtown Davison, a
little burg just east of Flint. We're talking about some pure
small-town nonsense with our couple doing their holiday shopping at a
pharmacy and seemingly signing an insurance policy. Nothing says
happy holidays like accidental-death coverage which the pair salute
with a thumbs up.
Another common theme of this event are
disarmingly straightforward balloons. You won't find the star power
of Garfield or Snoopy, but you will stare in awe at Puppy. Yes, the
one and only Puppy. Maybe too much of a deep cut? Further balloons
stick to generic characters but the best part of their contribution
is just getting started. See how Puppy is veering off to the side?
The main staging area for this broadcast had some classic Michigan
wind which routinely sent balloons spiraling out of control as clowns
struggle to wrangle them. This phenomenon will come to a head later
on but not before Captain Detroit and Fopa the elf are dragged
kicking and screaming down the streets of Detroit.
Time for another ad break, this time
featuring Value City's Moonlight Madness sale. Some of these stores
still exist in the stretch between Chicago and Toledo though the
Lansing outlet listed here is long gone. That old Lansing branch was
a dark and dingy place created solely to inspire the worst purchases
possible. This was a store with a bin of unwanted and unknown video
games that somehow managed to be severely under-stocked. Think of it
as a dangerously low ball pit full of broken dreams. This is the same
store where my family once purchased a Christmas tree train that was
guaranteed to derail on every turn. There was much weeping in Santa's
village that year.
Our next specimen might require you to
enlarge the photo. Marching alongside the Red Thistle Pipes &
Drum was a mysterious giant-headed clown who would prove to be first
in a line of similar creatures. Apparently these big paper-mache
heads are a hallmark of this event with some of them resembling
celebrities but all offering a glimpse into the darkest recesses of
the human mind.
Sometimes life give us a perfect
shinning moment of joy such as when this broadcast temporally
transformed into a low-budget rendition of Cloverfield. Meet Methany
the dinosaur. Perhaps aching out of the need to prove herself more
than a derpy gas-filled novelty with a pun name, she breaks free of
her restraints to wreck havoc upon her clown handlers and Chuck
“cuddles” Gaidica. Whether it's the shaky camerawork or Gaidica's
apparent fear at potentially being crushed by an inflatable T-Rex
this moment is pure gold. If ever an image begged to be immortalized
on the ceiling of a great chapel, this is it.
Let's go to another clump of ads and
talk about this classy piece from Meijer. As a camera pans up a large
forest tree rigged with lights, a calm old narrator speaks of how
many stores have enough selection fit under most trees, but at Meijer
they've got enough to fill a whole lot more. Cue the rest of the
forest lighting up bit by bit with the spread of joyful holiday
materialism. This is all done to a slow take on O Christmas Tree.
Holy fuck is this one ever good. It walks that fine line of
encouraging the audience to shop without ever tossing numbers or
products in our face.
Also courtesy of Meijer was a pair of
Toy City commercials. While it's not so much the case now, the toy
department in Meijer stores used to be enormous with a whopping game
video game aisle to boot. Toy City wasn't far off as descriptions go,
and the ads associated with it during this parade bring back the warm
and fuzzes. They're themed in a sort of art-deco metropolitan design
that was marketable to kids thanks to movies like Batman, Dick
Tracy, and The Rocketeer. In each one a newsboy shouts out
the great deals to be found such as Sonic 2. As far as big ticket
items for the season, this one was a juggernaut. Any kid who already
had a Genesis, or was considering conversation, looked at this as an
almost religious event, and the sales were crazy. Even today it's
hard to come across a Genesis without a copy of this nearby.
Back to the show we have another
bizarre float, this time featuring the tortoise and the hair. I'll be
straight up with you guys, the tortoise isn't all the special. He
exists in that generic space of things designed with kids in mind
that manages to mix both cute and repugnant together. His big-eared
friend on the other hand seems to be the result of a bet to see who
could scare the most children. The sheer madness of this thing is
further intensified by the cameramen who gets right up close and tilt
to provide that perfect kaiju movie vibe.
You'd think the organizers would
provide a nice break from the terror you'd be wrong. Not far behind
the evil bunny is a K-Mart clown balloon. That's right, these suckers
have gone airborne. The visual of this thing surrounded by a group of
normal clowns comes across like a species of insect carrying their
queen to safety. I think that's the best image to close out this
first installment. Gonna try and pick this up again either
Thanksgiving night or or perhaps Black Friday. There's still a lot of
ground to cover so keep your fingers crossed. For now I wish you all
a happy Thanksgiving. Indulge your gluttonous nature, check out a bad
movie or two, but most of all relax. You'll need your strength for
the second installment of this parade.
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