Hello once again turkey fanatics. I'm
well aware that December is an odd time to be discussing a
Thanksgiving day parade but you've all surely noticed that I hadn't
wrapped this beast up just yet. Yours truly has been sidetracked by a
massive to-do list of late and I've been keeping this warming on the
back-burner. Of course the universe saw fit to kick me square in the
goodies and expand that list of responsibilities even further But
dammit, if we want to usher in December with style then we have to
send out Turkey season properly. While we have this wee spot of time
between term papers and IKEA furniture let's settle in and return to
the early 90s once more for the remainder of the 1992 Detroit
Thanksgiving Day Parade!
Picking up from where we left off, the
streets of Detroit are still littered with clowns. No way could I
ever show off all the appearances of these painted goons. Just know
that when it comes to pure terrifying clown action the motor city
beast Pennywise every time.
As far as novelty acts are concerned,
the Fred Hill Drill team is, if nothing else, unique. The performance
is based around having white-collar business types like lawyers,
bankers, and doctors conduct military style drill routines in a
two-piece suit with suitcase in place of rifle. It's the sort of
thing your mom might declare as neat or cute while you sit and
scratch your head in confusion.
The Chilly Willy fan club was next up
with Cuddles himself riding shotgun. Yes, Chuck Gaidica survived the
rampage of Methany the inflatable T-Rex and continues to prattle on.
What's important is what's going on behind him. No, not the clown
girl immediately behind Chuck, but the one behind her, wedged to the
far right of the picture. Whether we're looking at the inspiration
for Heath Ledger's Joker or something from Ju-on we'll never know.
Perhaps I'm sounding a bit like a broken record but this really is
one strange parade. I was able to check out the newest installment
this year, and while it may be odd and tacky, it all feels positively
normal in comparison to what's on this tape.
Given how strange this has all become,
let's take an ad-break. Ahhh yes, a spot introducing the GM credit
card. You'd better believe this plastic accessory provided plenty of
Christmas goodies for any of us under the company umbrella. It's
nearly impossible to think of what that corporation meant to Michigan
families back then against the lurching shit-stain they are today.
Sure they were always a little terrible, at least back then we could
benefit from it. Damn, this commercial break got real moody, let's
head back to the show.
Now this is more like it. Another
Balloon incident as fierce winds turns two fish friends into a sort
of swirly mating display. Sure it's a little odd how these come
equipped with pouty lips but givin everything else we've experienced
during this march of madness a slightly slutty looking fish is
downright wholesome. In fact the entire show sort of settles down for
a few minutes Martha Reeves sings accompanied by Rollerblade dancers,
we get some nice toy city ads, this is getting downright cozy, what's
the catch?
Time for a little local color as we
meet the Eaton Rapids marching band. At this point in history these
guys were the band to beat in mid-Michigan. No matter their level of
success, nothing can change the local way of referring to Eaton
Rapids townsfolk as river rats. Yeah, that's how small town folk
spend their time, coming up with alliterative insults for their
neighbors. Accompanying the band is what appears to be the product of
an unholy union between Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
Yes the giant heads are back in full
force. There's a rather large grouping not long after Magnum
including such forgotten personalities as Ross Perot. Then there's
the unholiest abomination to stalk the streets of Detroit that isn't
Kid Rock. Just look at the misshapen representation of Bob Seger.
That same head was still in use this year, meaning his mouth has
spent decades locked in a scream no one can hear. This getting to be
far too weird, What could possibly come next?
Ok, so I fudged the timeline a little.
After the heads was a teddy bear balloon with a tendency to hump it's
handlers and a woman La-Z-Boy furniture had dubbed Christmas Carol
(har har). I find the Turkey Trot float far more interesting as it
offers two separate yet equally strange representations of the iconic
bird. Somehow this paring was tied in with about four different brand
names along with a well-known sports announcer who largely worked on
Tiger's Baseball games. Is this making any sense to you? Cause I'm
lost.
Far be it for me to assume the mental
state of young girls but I highly doubt The Michigan Magic Twirling
Team figured that a day at the parade would turn out to be prime
blackmail material nearly 30 years later. Honestly I'm not sure
what's more egregious, the bedazzled Power Ranger outfits or the
Conan O'Brian hairdos.
We move on to the Holland marching
band who may have been the reason for this tape as it was marked with
the words “marching band” and these guys had a whole segment to
themselves during the first hour of the show. Of course what could be
more Dutch than a windmill and... oh lord. This may be difficult to
illustrate without video but the blades of the windmill had no inner
supports to hold them in place. The result was each blade moving
independently in a twisted tentacle dance befitting one of
Lovecraft's elder gods.
We're treated to a few more
inflatables that can't hold a candle to the bizarre tulip-munching
monstrosity that preceded them. Then we have a quick visit from the
Geoffrey Mobile! In a year where we've seen Toys 'R' Us go out of
business only to reappear in Kroger of all places this was a fine
reminder of better days. Along with Geoffrey are the lesser known
mascots who are all there to remind kids to start bugging their
parents for presents. Of course the only thing that could possible
follow this float is more clowns, culminating in the Twin Circus
Wagons. Heaven have mercy what a twisted display this is with all
manner of twisted beasts glaring out from their colorful prison.
Maybe it's time for some more ads.
Oh hell yes, it's Bob Evens, down on
the farm! Admittedly I have little in the way of love for the
restaurant itself. They serve completely serviceable food that
doesn't send me screaming to the toilet, for that I am grateful. I do
harbor some mad nostalgia for their classic ads however and this is a
class-act right here. We get the usual holiday sentiments about
family and glad tidings accompanied by food porn shots of breakfast
sausage. Close it all with a festive homestead and you've got a
winner.
Returning to the show we happen once
again upon clowns. God dammit is there no end to these things? This
newest variety rolls on large metal beams with which to chase down
unsuspecting children all the quicker. In their wake is the oddly
named Hob Nobble Gobble which in truth is giant mutant turkey dressed
as a pilgrim. Upon closer inspection he very much resembles Shin
Godzilla. Don't believe me? Do a quick image search, I'll wait...
It's uncanny, right?
Time for the final musical interlude
of the program with a brief bit of Broadway in Michigan. I have no
idea what show these people were preforming but at one point you can
hear one exclaim that they can't hear themselves so perhaps they're
just as lost. What really matters is this little number yielded some
of the most entertaining photos of the entire evening.
Time for more ads, this time with the
Crash Test Dummies. There are plenty of toy ads on this tape yet few
better embody the time-period than this pair. Only in the early 90s
could a series of safety ads inspire a whole media franchise based on
two fools with the ability to survive horrific bodily harm. While I
never had any of the toys back then, this commercial makes me long
for a figure or two.
We're in the endgame folks. There's
some more marching bands, a surprisingly classy Dumbo Balloon and the
arrival of a major parade staple, the Doodlebug. You knew this thing
couldn't wrap up without at least one last dose of pure terror. This
bug slithers through the streets like a giant serpent surrounded by a
cadre of metallic clowns. It's like something out of biblical
prophecy. According to the first hour of special coverage, 92 marked
the return of this float after something like a decade of slumber.
It's still in use today though its' servants are far less
intimidating.
Thus far I've neglected to report on
most of the bands as there's only so much you can say about each one.
Thankfully we are treated to the Cass Tech marching band who arrive
to break up all the corny white-bread nonsense filling the streets.
These cats are damn good with a fine drum-line to boot. The
commentators mention that the band wasn't original scheduled for the
parade until they won the spot in some competition. Seems downright
silly as they are likely the best band in the entire parade. It's a
little disconcerting that they are pursued by a giant, militant,
white guy with a raised fist. Then again, nobody ever accused the
holidays of being woke.
That floating nutcracker singles the
long-awaited arrival of Santa Clause. The big man himself pulls up in
his gaudy float, says a few kind words to the kiddies, and receives a
key to the city to aid him in his work. With that, the parade is
finished. There's probably an entire third post worth of additional
details and advertisements to share but I'd prefer to leave a few
surprises should I get around to digitizing this thing. On a final
note we waited until after the credits to see if there was anything
else on the tape. After the fuzzy portion separating previous
recordings from the new stuff we find the ending portion of Jewel of
the Nile. Oddly fitting as Michael Douglas is about the best thing to
end any holiday celebration.
You may not recall the framing device
from part 1 but let's just say viewing this tape regrew a bit of my
soul, giving me the boost needed to make it through the current
grind. Capping off Thanksgiving night with a viewing of Tough Guys
Don't Dance helped too. We can now look forward to all the splender
of December. I've got a few special items planned, including the new
deluxe version of the Patrick Swayze Christmas Barstool. With any
luck I'll be back soon.
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