Among my points of pride is the
ability to both find and integrate bizarre entertainment into family
holiday traditions. How many other families do you know that make a
point of viewing P2 and the Everything is Terrible Holiday
Special for their Christmas gatherings? Even with my ever
expanding encyclopedia of strange festive viewing I can still be
surprised, such as earlier this week when my oldest sister brought up
memories of an old TV special. She thankfully remembered the title
which meant it didn't take long to hunt down, and thanks to Amazon
Prime we were soon viewing on of the most head-scratching Christmas
specials I've seen in some time called The Juggler of Notre Dame.
As far as background is concerned
there's very little to be found. It is a modernized (as of the early
80s) retelling of an old Christmas tale with a fair share of
additional wrinkles. The thing is only an hour long which leads me to
believe it was made for a programming block like Hallmark Hall of
Fame or Wonderful World of Disney but so far I've been
unable to track the point of origin. The betamax tape I found on ebay
was distributed by Buena Vista which leads some credence to the
latter theory. Outside of that I can tell you it was directed by a
man who spent nearly his whole career in television and stars an
actual juggler along with Melinda Dillon of A Christmas Story
and Close Encounters fame. If anybody has some deeper
information on the project, please share. For now let's move onto the
story proper.
Right off the bat we're treated to
slow-motion juggling accompanied by some terrible music. I really
can't stress how bad the music is for anyone who takes an interest in
viewing this in full. Anyway our juggler is named Barnaby and he
lives on the street, preforming his act to make a cheap buck whenever
possible. He soon attracts the attention of a fellow homeless man
named Sparrow who believes Barnaby's juggling skills to be a profound
gift from god. Before long the pair begin to travel together putting
on shows to support themselves as Sparrow learns and hones his own
juggling skills.
While the pairs friendship grows
Barnaby still can't get over the tragic events that lead to his life
as a bum. He used to be a major entertainer in the circus until his
wife fell to her death during a trapeze act. This loss is supposed to
be all the more dramatic as a man who's entire livelihood is based
around catching things couldn't catch her. I'm not being sarcastic,
the damn show actually makes a point of this. Still, things are
looking up thanks to this new friendship. That is until one night
when some other bums rob Barnaby and Sparrow, the latter of which
tries to retrieve the money only to be stabbed to death in the
process.
Alone again, Barnaby throws his
juggling equipment into the river and walks the Earth as an empty
shell of a man. That is until he walks by some guy who offers him a
spot as his new sculpture model, sounds totally legitimate. This
artist is part of a community working on restoring an old church with
his statue of the Virgin Mary as the centerpiece, and of course being
this story the statue looks just like Barnaby's dead wife.
The next twenty-odd minutes are spent
with Barnaby living among this community of people who cannot stop
obsessing over how sad and broken their new acquaintance is. The
worst offender is Melinda Dillon as the sculptor's sister who takes
any opportunity to bag on Barnaby and treat him like a total shitbag.
This just keeps going with one conversation after another as these
people brag about their faith while Barnaby understandably acts
disinterested.
By this point I'm assuming you're
asking the same question that I was while watching this special. That
question being what the hell does any of this have to do with
Christmas? Thus far there has been zero sign of lights, songs, cheer,
or snow for that matter as it's painfully obvious this was filmed in
California. Instead we've been treated to an ample amount of circus
PTSD and hobo stabbings. The final act makes it all clear as the
community makes a point of creating a display around the Virgin Mary
statue on Christmas Eve with everyone making some kind of offering to
it. Barnaby plans to leave that night as he has no faith nor anything
to offer. Even so he goes by the statue before leaving where he is
greeted by the ghost of Sparrow. Despite being recently murdered the
guy's in a pretty upbeat mood and gives Barnaby this whole speech
about how he needs to juggle again and share his magical gift with
the world. There's also a fair share of platitudes about there being
love in the world and how Jesus still loves Barnaby, despite all
evidence to the contrary. That's when the set of juggling tools that
had been previously tossed in the river appear at the feet of the
statue.
Finally Barnaby begins to perform his
act for the statue. He juggles pins and balls, balances spinning
plates on large forks held in his mouth, guy pulls out the entire
act. Some kids see him from afar and go to gather the other
characters so they can witness. As everyone gathers round to watch
shit gets extra crazy as the statue comes to life and gifts Barnaby
with a rose. This isn't in his mind either, everybody sees it happen.
Credits roll and I sit there dumbfounded at what we've just
witnessed.
Turns out this a major
over-complication of the original tale where the juggler is a monk,
thus his lack of anything to offer. His fellow monks judge his
juggling act as blasphemy until the statue offers him a rose thus
extolling the virtues of giving whatever you can. There's no
redemption arc, dead wives, or bum fights to worry about in that
version. Still; even with the awful music and low production values
this is enough of a strange novelty that I just have to share with
you all out there. There's plenty of avenues to hunt it down too as
it is available to stream, has some video uploads on the web, and
somehow managed a DVD release. It's not something I'd recommend as
quality viewing so much as a weird experience and conversation piece.
I was lucky enough to recover from
this special with another outing to search for holiday goodies and
while most of what I brought home is decent enough I may have found
the best under the radar snack of the whole season. Looking at that
stash there's some good beer, and decent tic-tacs, but those Voortman
Gingerbread Wafers are far and away the best thing I've come across
all month. Their biggest strength is that they somehow get better
with each bite. That first taste is a little shocking as these are
made with real ginger, but then the second nibble comes across as
smother and sweater, and that experience continues into the third and
fourth chomp. It doesn't take much effort to find yourself five
wafers deep with no plans to stop. What worries me is that I don't
know how far the Voortman brand reaches into the U.S. So I have no
way of knowing how many of you can realistically get these. For those
that have the opportunity however these are totally worth braving a
busy store for.
Also of note for my holidays is that I
was finally able to complete a personal mission. It's been bugging me
that my family has never owned any plastic blow-mold decorations for
any holiday. The goal was to change that fact but so many stores
didn't want to comply with this plan as the likes of Wal-Mart,
Meijer, and Target didn't even bother to stock any form of blow-mold.
Of all things it was home-improvement chain, Menards that saved the
day with their dutch auction sale giving me the chance to nab the
last Noel candle for just over 12 bucks. Not only that but I was able
to bring home a strand of big old C9 bulbs, or as I refer to them
used car lot lights. Now the front door is properly outlined in a
festive glow.
That's all for tonight, kids.
Hopefully I can get back to you with one more Christmas post to help
make your season a little more fun. Tonight I'm gonna have a little
break with some beer and some of those essential Christmas horror
flicks like Silent Night, Bloody Night. If I'm not back by
Tuesday then I wish you all a merry Christmas. Do let me know if you
encounter any animated statues.
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