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| Pictured: one angry blueberry. |
I've been on quite the roll in regards
to the theater lately. Despite regularly adding anywhere from 140-170
movies to my memory banks each year, only a handful of them are
witnessed on the big screen. I've already broken my usual numbers for
that this year with most of them being opening weekend or even
opening day.
Seeing all these flicks right outta
the gate has made it very easy to keep up on the comic book flicks
this year. Within the past few months I've gotten to witness Deadpool
(good). Batman v. Superman (rubbish), Captain America: Civil War
(damn fine, if a tad messy), and now the latest spandex adventure,
X-Men Apocalypse. So far it is the second worst reviewed X-Men film,
just ahead of the abysmal Origins. Are we really dealing with
something that bad, or are critics overreacting just a little? The
Answer is more complicated than you may think.
First off this installment is set
fully within the odd prequel time line that seeks to both reboot the
old flicks while still playing nice with them and never completely
making sense. For instance; you may recall the ending of Days of
Future Past where Mystique pretends to be William Stryker as the
military fishes Wolverine out of the river. At the time, it was meant
to serve as an indication of how this new continuity could change old
events if only they'd remembered to do anything with it. That twist
is completely ignored which should serve as an indication of what
kind of flick you're getting into. That's not to say it's terrible,
just very shortsighted. That shortsightedness affects other elements
of the film, so as we cover the things that work with this film, keep
in mind there's usually a side of it that doesn't.
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| Pictured: the movie I want to see. |
Something Good: Fassbender as Magnito,
and his solo plot in Poland.
Everybody knows Michael Fassbender is
a damn fine actor. I haven't always enjoyed his version of Magnito,
especially in First Class where he brought an extra side of ham.
Through the sequels he's done much better and his work within the
first act of this one is astounding. Turns out after the events of
Days of Future Past, he went into hiding in his native Poland,
eventually marrying and fathering a child with gifts of her own.
One day some of his co-workers at a
steel mill find out who he really is and take lash out at Eric and
his family. This is some of the best material in the whole movie and
I would have honestly preferred a solo Magnito flick of this style.
After being recruited by Apocalypse,
Magnito quickly turns to a floating sadsack/weapon with almost
nothing to contribute. Worse still is his placement at the end where
he's not only made a miraculous recovery from his despair but doesn't
even get a smack on the wrist for his part in nearly destroying the
world and killing fuckloads of people.
Speaking of killing, this is easily
the most gruesome entry in the series with beheadings, crushing,
flesh rending, and even body horror. It's surprisingly dark stuff
until the last act. At that point, while the world is suffering
tremendous cataclysmic events, streets are suddenly empty and action
is reduced to blasts of color with little consequence. It's very odd
considering the opening minutes feature people being smashed like
soda cans.
Something Good: Kodi Smit-Mcphee as
Nightcrawler
Missing in action after X2,
Nightcrawler finally returns to the franchise under the guise of a
new actor who keeps the core of the character intact. Nightcrawler is
used more for comic relief here than in his previous appearance yet
he remains enduring as all hell.
Something Bad: Jennifer Lawrence as
Mystique.
For the third time in a row, Jennifer
Lawrence proves to be horribly miscast in this role. And even with as
much as I don't care for the actress herself, I won't place the blame
solely on her. This prequel trilogy has framed mystique as everyone's
tortured rock star girlfriend instead of a mysterious troublemaker
with plentiful baggage.
Here she's supposed to be the
inspirational leader of this fresh team yet despite freeing
Nightcrawler from cage fighting slavery I really can't point out any
accomplishments on he part. At best she nearly gets herself killed
which spurs all her boyfriends into action. The less said about her
hammy line-delivery the better.
Something that sorta works: Quicksilver
After stealing the show during the
last movie, Quciksilver is brought back so he can hunt down his
father, Magnito. Naturally he provides good comic relief and more
crowd pleasing superspeed scenes but that's it.
Nothing comes of his quest to find
daddy, and there's basically no character growth to speak of. He's
just here to provide some levity.
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| Pictured: a waste of time with wings. |
Something that really doesn't work:
Angel.
Ten years ago we got to see founding
team member, Angel show up in The Last Stand only to be completely
wasted. Now the character returns with a new actor only to once again
be completely wasted. There is no reason for him to be in this story.
What's worse is that while Last Stand left the door open for him to
one day return and actually do something, this one kills him off.
What the actual fuck is that about?
Likewise: Psylocke
Speaking of pointless plot threads,
meet Psylocke. She's here to do ninja moves and look thick in a
spandex onesie. Mission accomplished.
Might Work Later: Storm.
Alexandra Shipp takes over the role of
Storm. From other times I've seen the girl she doesn't seem like a
bad actress, and frankly she's pretty easy on the eyes. However; her
goofy attempt at an Egyptian accent doesn't work out and she makes
karate noises whenever she uses her superpowers.
On the upside, by showing her life as
a thief we've already got more depth to this character than ever
before. Small Victories.
Not gonna work: Cyclops
Tye Sheridan is our new Cyclops
and.....well....he kinda sucks. He gets the dick part of the role
just fine but he doesn't have the charm or range of someone like
James Marsden that allows the character to be an enduring dick.
Instead he makes poop face like all the time. Oh and he makes karate
sounds too.
Doesn't Have to work later so let's
have fun: apocalypse
Apocalypse is and always has been a
ridiculous and annoying villain. He's made for some grand stories no
doubt, but he's still just a big angry blueberry with a love for
speeches. Kudos to the filmmakers for having the stones to leave him
mostly comic accurate. Oscar Issac does his best to deliver a strong
performance through pounds of make-up and layers of ludicrous
dialogue. Honestly, you'd be hard pressed to ask for a much better
screen version of this character. He's silly, talkative, and
overpowered, just like in the pages. Points there.
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| Pictured: a teenage girl having a fit, which turns out to be a good thing. |
Probably gonna work. Jean Grey
Strangely deep voiced Sophie Turner
takes over the role of Jean. She does a decent enough job of selling
the girls emotional state, primarily her fear of her own powers.
There's a good balance of her having a a casual relationship with her
teammates while still being slightly closed off. Problem is her
story is all on repeat. We've already seen Jean struggle with her
fears and begin to unleash her Phoenix powers which is exactly what
we get here. Nothing new. This is another problem with the movie.
Repetition:
If not for the angry kool-aid man,
this would almost serve as greatest hits mix-tape for the franchise.
We get to see Magnito suffer a family tragedy in Poland, again. Get
to witness Quicksilver perform a daring hyper-speed rescue, again.
Wanna see Strykers old base, and watch Wolverine escape the weapon X
program again? You're in luck. Wanna see Cyclops get his powers in
school again? The school comes under attack, again. Professor X is
kidnapped so his powers can be used for evil, again. Watch the
phoenix force save the team, again. You get my point.
All that repetition adds up to another
big problem. Nothing really important to the franchise happens here.
It's all very shiny and yes it is entertaining. In the end you've
been sitting around for two hours so a psychic can loose his hair and
tell a bunch of teenagers to put on silly costumes. I'm ok with that
setting but did we really need a whole prequel trilogy plus time
travel to get there?
It may seem like I hated this one but
that's not true. It's simple junk food viewing and competently made.
Decently paced with a few strong performances to make up for the bad
ones. Action's pretty solid there's just nothing new which when
combined with issues that have plagued the series for years it all
just seems rather pointless. Let's try and rank it against it's
brethren from worst to best shall we?
9 First Class (rubbish)
8 Origins (easier to watch rubbish)
7 The Last Stand (meh)
6 Apocalypse (pointless fluff)
5 Days of Future Past (well made but
convoluted)
4 The Wolverine (only the R rated
version)
3 Deadpool (good fun)
2 X-men (simple and classic)
1 X2 (solid all around)
And with that we're on break from
superhero flicks for a while. Unless you count that new Ninja Turtles
movie. Honestly, my theater going may slow down again as the Summer
looks fairly bleak other than The Conjuring 2 and Kubo and the Two
Strings. Maybe that's a good thing. I can finally try that summer
reading everyone talks about. I mean there's always more X-Men.
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