Thanksgiving is here at last, or
“already” if you're one of those unprepared types. Yes it's time
for the scared American institution of gorging on insurmountable
quantities of foodstuffs to celebrate the overtaking of a native
cultures land. Nah, I really don't care about the moral logistics of
the day. Frankly I'm more concerned with how the addition of dried
fruit could make or break my stuffing. If you're a bear of the
Berenstain variety the holiday is more likely to revolve around a
moralizing mother and vindictive father. Let's see how they celebrate
the season shall we?
The first few pages of The Prize
Pumpkin actually had me a little worried. Everything's peaceful and
upbeat, not to mention the remarkably wordy passages about the
wonders of Autumn (sounds like the title for a sextape). My fear
turned out to be unwarranted as Papa bear yet again saves the day by
page seven when he proclaims his friend, Farmer Ben to be “not such
a much.” Is this something people actually say? Not such a much? I
swear to multiple deities I've never heard that phrase before. And
what has Papa feeling despicable this time around? He's very proud of
a giant pumpkin growing in their field which Farmer Brown referred to
as “a nice little patch.” Oh you best believe this shit just got
real.
After dinner, the cubs start
complaining how with Halloween over and Christmas so far away,
there's nothing good to look forward too. Consider that Mama's cue to
commence a speech about a wonderful day called Thanksgiving that he
kids have somehow never heard of in their time on this planet.
Thankfully Papa butts in on her chatter by announcing how he plans to
enter his pumpkin into the town pumpkin contest and finally dethrone
Farmer Ben who's been the winner for the past decade. Papa
immediately begins series of mentally unstable behavior by sitting
outdoors and watching the Giant grow. Yes he gave the pumpkin a
title.
Over the next few weeks, Papa's mental
degradation continues. First it's fairly innocent acts like special
plant food and timed watering. Later it escalates into covering the
pumpkin in a blanket so it doesn't get cold and talking to it. His
conversation points are from a book he bought from the local
swindler, Raffish Ralph. Yep; Bear valley has an officially
designated swindler, and people buy things from him without thinking
“oh right, he's a swindler.” The cubs interrupt a deep
conversation with vine fruit to inform Papa that Brown has his large
scale pumpkin he refers to as the Monster. This is really all just a
thinly veiled allegory for penis envy, isn't it? Just like you'd
expect any responsible parent to behave, Papa encourages his children
to trespass at night into a dark field only to be chased away by the
threat of pitchfork.
Finally the day of the big contest
arrives and wouldn't you know it, Papa only achieves 3rd
place behind Farmer Brown and the old witch from Trick or Treat. The
ensuing shame march towards home leaves Mama with a clear window for
another moralizing speech about all the family has to be thankful
for. Her loved ones begin to feel better by staring off at the cool
Autumn scenery, truly thankful for any distraction from her nonsense.
On Thanksgiving day, Sister remarks
how happy she is that their pumpkin didn't win the honor of being
displayed in front of city hall as it was instead slaughtered and
turned into various pies. That's what they do to losers in this
family. It all wraps up with a page about how the bears understand
how blessed they are to have family, friends, etc. All of which are
conspicuously absent from their dinner table.
And on that cynical note, have a happy
Thanksgiving. No matter if you're doing the classic overdose of
family or a more private affair, I sincerely hope you have a good
time. I'll attempt to get one more post up before the month is out so
keep an eye out for something this weekend. Until then, don't wreck
yourselves too much on mashed potatoes.
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