Snack Report: June 2021

 

    Life of recent has felt like some kind of hallucination. Why just a few months ago it was totally expected of me to stay home, avoid people, and generally do whatever to fill the time. Now I’m working, shopping, just last week I moved furniture out of an abandoned Younkers (details to come). You few faithful readers have undoubtedly noticed this has effected the blogging schedule. To some extent that comes down to simply not having trained myself to reallocate time for it. The other issue comes with articles like today's where enough has happened in a relatively short time that something I ate a week ago feels like some phantom memory. Consider this a warning then that this newest snack report is likely to read more like a stream-of-consciousness exercise than a regular blog post.

Reese’s Big Cup with Pretzels and Reese's Peanut Butter Lovers

    Reese’s recently went on a bender, introducing different variations of peanut butter fandom to their fabled candy. There’s one with a half-chocolate outer coating, one with an all peanut butter approach, and a big’n with pretzels. Over the past couple of months I’ve had all three and can safely say meh to the first, yum to the second, and something more complicated for the third. See… the balance for the big cup is simply off. Having such a large cup provides a higher amount of peanut butter without an equal increase in chocolate. Adding to the problem is whatever brand of pretzel they used is just too dry and salty to perfectly blend with the other flavors. It’s not bad but anyone who’s had this sort of thing before know it can be done better. Can’t see any of the three lasting long term. Their alright with peanut butter lovers being the most successful.

Red Bull Summer Edition Dragon Fruit

    By this point in time Red Bull is essentially the local tourist trap of the energy drink market, in the sense that it’s always there but you only pay attention to it on special occasions. Since summer is back in swing it’s time for a new seasonal offering laced with the flavor of one of my favorite fruits. There is a good amount of dragon fruit flavor here, with a fairly pleasant smell to match. The problem is that when this is mixed with red bulls energy formula it ends up tasting a bit like perfume. Maybe deserving of a 2 or 2.5 rating.

Nutter Butter Wafers

    God help me I know these aren’t new, and I may have even had them before, but upon seeing Nutter Butter Wafers in store I was struck by this sudden bout of amnesia/paranoia. Have these always been and no one bothered to tell me? Had they simply slipped my mind? Or had I found myself in another dimension where Nutter Butter’s were given the attention they deserve? Whatever the case these sheets of wafer and peanut butter quickly won me over. While not quite as good as Vortman Wafers these still provide excellent peanut butter taste with a satisfying mouth feel. Plus you can totally pretend each sheet is edible wall insulation. On that novelty alone it earns a 3.5 outta 5.

Lays Wavy Jerk Chicken Potato Chips

    Lay’s unleashed several new potato chip flavors this summer though I’ve been inundated with enough potato snacks that I’ve only managed to sample this one so far. Gotta say if the others are even close to this one than we’re in for a tasty season.

    Packaging is colorful and wild. The scent almost a combo of lite jerky and dare I say fresh vegetables? It actually manages to taste like the exterior of a chicken breast that’s been cooked just after being smothered in dry spices. It’s the damnedest thing but they almost taste healthy which we all know isn’t the case. Definitely not gonna be for everyone but for those who like this sorta thing it’s an easy 4 out of 5.

Ghostbusters Afterlife Cereal

There was a time when movie tie-in cereals weren’t much of a novelty. That is until parents groups and nutritionalists brow beat the world into not having fun. The occasional items pops out however tied to either the newest Disney thing or as a means of tugging at nostalgia, which I can’t help but feel is the case with this new Ghostbuster chow. Can’t deny the box has that eye-catching quality though. Just like the old Real Ghostbuers Cereal this black box just stands out among the sea of brightly colored breakfast fare. As an actual food, well… that’s a little more complicated,

Unlike the OG Ralston stuff that modeled itself after monster cereals, this new Afterlife edition is pretty much a lighter take on Berry Berry Kix with marshmallows thrown in. The smell is bland though not entirely unappealing. Individual pieces are a bit too resistance to milk. Everything’s middle of the road. There’s just not much draw to the cereal itself so much as the joy of having something Ghostbusters themed again. Awsome packaging, ho-hum cereal, 2.5 rating for sure.

Meijer Bell’s Oberon Bratwurst

    In these parts grocery ads use the arrival of Bell’s Oberon beer like it’s the opening shot of basic bro summer. Indeed, every prairie boy around demands an ample supply to fuel Saturday evenings of lawn-work and singing Kid Rock lyrics by the fire. For those of us with taste and ample hobbies Oberon is just an ok beer. That being said it’s regional popularity makes these special beer brats a total no-brainer. As a pork fiend I had to give em a shot though the end result was underwhelming.

    Beer brats are a matter of balance. The wrong choice of beer or a little too much of any one flavor can throw everything off. In this case the oberon lends an off taste to the brat. Like it’s not bad but if you didn’t know any better you’d swear something was wrong with the brat itself. That’s not the kind of sensation you want to elicit with pork products. I’d say this one’s another 2.5 rating.

Little Debbie’s Cosmic Brownies Cereal

    I doubt it would be controversial to declare cosmic brownies sit alongside star crunch as Debbie's weakest offerings. The brands recent success with Oatmeal Cream Pie cereal made this second effort impossible to ignore. Of course it’s fighting an uphill battle against the overwhelming history of chocolate cereals and on that front it doesn’t really stand apart from the pack. The smell came across as stronger than the food itself but the actual taste wasn’t so bad. Everything’s lightly left of regular chocolate which helps to sell the whole brownie vibe. Unfortunately it’s a bit too resistant to milk, keeping the texture rough through the whole bowl. The chocolaty milk leftovers are a total highlight though. Gonna give this one a 3. Not amazing but tasty enough to pass.

On the Boarder Cafe Style Queso Chips

    Imagine, if you will, a world where Doritos understands subtly. That’s the world these lovely treats come from. There’s just enough powder to give me a kick and coat your fingers yet it’s lite enough to keep these as a viable option for nachos. Admittedly my nephew thought they were gross but this guy here is over the moon for em. Accepting their possibly divisive status I’m gonna give a solid 4.

Twelve’s Rebel hard Coffee Berry Crisps Latte

    Sometimes the most interesting thing about a new food item isn’t anything unique to it but the weird memories it brings up. Having a biological make-up that is 40% coffee, 10% candy and 5% hooch makes this sort of thing a must try. As far as adult beverages are concerned it was pretty lousy with the different flavors being at odds with each-other. Whenever it leaned into fruity territory though I got a sudden rush of nostalgia. It took some detective skills but I found it at last, Smilk. A fruity milk drink from that weird part of the 1990s where diary suddenly had to be flavored. Shit was gross but my chubby ten-year-old self loved to fuel up on it. I’d say stay away from this lackluster coffee drink unless you too want to remember the wonders and pitfalls of Smilk.

Bell’s Tropical Oberon

    How many paragraphs ago was it that I noted Oberon as the opiate of basic bros? Well for a brief moment I was counted among their ranks as curiosity forced me to try the new tropical variation. It’s a bit unfair to saddle this honestly better beer with the Oberon title however. I mean Bell’s actually put in a decent showing here. The stuff is cloudy, fruity, and nicely refreshing. Far from my favorite hot-weather beer but good enough for a 3.5 score.

Birthday Cake Pebbles Cereal

    One of the all-time greats turns 50 this year. To celebrate there’s a new variety on shelves meant to evoke the sweetness of birthday cake. In execution however both scent and flavor come across like a riff on the recently demised Rice Krispies Treats Cereal with a couple key differences. For one the greasy taste of that cereal is nowhere to be found. In it’s place is a slight berry flavor which I’d assume is supposed to be the frosting element. While not up to the level of Cocoa or Fruity this one’s still a decent sugar rush worthy of a 3 out of 5/

Frosted Berry Team Cheerios

    In honor of the upcoming Olympic games Cheerios has revived the old Team branding with a new frosted berry combination. Admittedly I’d failed to notice the disappearance of classic Team Cheerios as my primary obsession with the brand are the Maple and Pumpkin Spice varieties. Still I recall team being a damn solid breakfast food and while this one may not be up to the same level, it’s still pretty good. There’s a nice mix of sweet that never becomes overpowering and it manages to stay with you longer than most other cereals. Worthy of a 3.5 at the very (or should I say berry?) least.

Kountry Lane Bakery Raspberry Rolls

    I’ve mentioned in previous articles the pleasure of shopping at Lansing hotspot, Horrocks. While they can sometimes drop the ball I’m always eager to see what new items they can bring my way. Few items better illustrate that feeling then these raspberry rolls from a tiny ass bakery in Indiana. Seriously; these are my new obsession to the extent that I want a whole swath of em in place of birthday cake this year. The dough is clean, airy, and just plain enough to stand in contrast with everything else. The berry goo is just marvelous. Oh and the icing is an absolute toothache. Should you one day find yourself near Horrocks or in Montgomery, IN do yourself a favor and hunt these down. This month’s sole perfect rating of 5 outta 5.

    With that I’ve finally wrapped a blog for this month. Gonna make an honest effort to get back on schedule here. Not tonight though. Tonight calls for video games and plenty of sleep before work

Kingdom Hearts Marathon Part 3

 

Let’s s begin today’s post with a slap on the hand. A little goal for this year was to return to the consistent pace of four or more posts per month. Made it almost halfway but May is likely to break the trend. On the upside I have been using that time wisely with the new job and wrapping up some big pop-culture conquests. Case in point; I managed to wrap up the whole Kingdom Hearts sage at last. Hard to stress just how much of a relief that was after years of set-backs. So today let’s talk about the most recent chapter of the franchise along with some thoughts on the series as a whole.

The final piece of the puzzle is the rhythm game spin-off Melody of Memory which plays out like something of a victory lap for the series. The game actually starts off with zero explanation for what’s going on with an opening FMV recap with accompanying rhythm game-play that you initially fumble through before getting tossed out into the game’s main map and working your way through one soundtrack at a time divided by worlds and stage types.

Stages are dived into several varieties such as battles, boss battles, and memory dives though in reality there’s just two takes on the game-play with bosses and dives playing largely the same. Regular battle levels make up the vast majority however with your chosen team of 3 characters running ahead while you time your prompts with the music to make them attack, use special abilities, jump, glide, all that jazz. There are multiple difficulties to choose from plus the game provides a numerical rating for how challenging a particular song is on each difficulty. Adding to that is how each song has three missions that provide different stars to unlock further portions of the campaign. Having little missions may not sound like the biggest deal but for long-term playing it makes the experience a lot more involving. As I was going through the world tour mode that was my first encouragement to try higher difficulties in order to get those precious stars. Casual players won’t have to pay a ton of attention to this as, save for a couple choke points, the main story can largely be gotten through by just finishing songs on beginner. For those who want to unlock all the tracks however they’re gonna need to step their game up.

As you play through different portions of the campaign you’ll be interrupted by scenes of Kairi retelling the entirety of Sara's adventures. Little context is given to any of this until the very end of the game when like 30-40 minutes of story is thrown at the audience in order to put pieces in place for the next era of the series. We learn of a deeper connection between Kairi and Xehanort, get some hints about the girl Lea and Isa talked about in part 3, and learn a little of what’s to come. Personally I got geeked about all of this and am stoked to see what comes from the concept of alternate realities and the upcoming visit to the city of Quadratum. It’s all quite mad but I wouldn’t have Kingdom Hearts any other way.

While I mostly enjoyed my time with Melody of Memory a few cracks started to show during the endgame. For whatever reason the majority of the Kingdom Hearts III soundtrack is skipped over, with often a single memory dive track as the only selection for an entire world. These tracks can be really lame too such as how Frozen has the dreadful Let It Go but not the wonderful exploration music. Even stuff you’d think would be a shoe-in is oddly missing. How is that we have multiple takes on Simple and Clean and My Sanctuary but not My Fears? Then there’s other oddball missing elements like none of the Pirates tunes. The endgame is also where you’re likely to notice the sever imbalance of stage types. There’s easily over a hundred battle stages with only like 5 bosses, and maybe twenty memory dives. And while I appreciate the dedication to their being no DLC it means these oversights will never be corrected.

Odd endgame aside I found Melody of Memory to largely be a fun and breezy way to ease from one era of the series to the next. Sure I was missing some songs and wished there were more options for customizing parties but as someone who generally isn’t huge on rhythm games there was a lot of fun to be had here. Most of that comes down to a nice difficulty structure, the added variety of stage types, and the unique ways in which the game-play elements mix together. It may not be the absolute best the series has to offer but I can think of much worse ways to spend ones time.

The final question is whether it was worth taking the time to play through such a big series? The answer is absolutely yes! There are no doubt installments that rub me the wrong way, and it sorta stinks that actually playing through Days and Re:coaded requires hunting down DS copies but the sheer amount of fun and memorable moments scattered throughout these titles marks some of the brightest spots in gaming. Taking the time to go through each one further enhances the dramatic peaks and valleys of the massive storytelling so you end up caring that much more when characters return or depart. It makes the level of engagement so much more meaningful that if the next title were to drop today I’d be right in front of the boob tube plunging away. For those of you out there with the time who don’t take themselves too seriously and enjoy wild, outlandish storytelling go pick up these games. Even the first one for as old as it is holds up marvelously.

To wrap things up let’s do a quick personal ranking of the series.

Out of contention due to me only having experience video versions: 358/2 Days, Re:coaded, X. One day I’ll nab original copies of these to experience them in full. For now it seems wrong to try and rank them based on story alone.

Re: Chain of Memories: Big surprise here, right? This stain on my KH play-through still requires me to tackle it in full. At this current point in life a card-game/dungeon crawl still doesn’t gel with me.

Melody of Memory: A fun little diversion with a huge ending. Far from a shining entry but still good fun.

0.2 A Fragmentary Passage: An odd curio with an annoying final boss that remains entertaining thanks to unique environments and a deeper glimpse into Aqua’s plight.

Kingdom Hearts 2: Perhaps I might mend my relationship with part 2 on a return trip. For now I still hold grudges against the sloppy driveform leveling and wildly inconsistent difficulty.

Dream Drop Distance: 3-D is such a weird entry on both game-play and storytelling fronts that it can’t help but be a memorable adventure. Some of the additions like drops can stay with this one while others like flow-motion hopefully get integrated even further than they did with part 3.

Kingdom Hearts: The original is still damn near the best thanks to the pure energy a company fully embracing a wild concept. The game-play may not be as refined as later entries but the overall quest is hard to top.

Birth by Sleep: What it lacks in world selection BBS more than makes up for with game-play. Mixing and matching commands together is crazy addicting which propels the player along through the tragic prequel tale.

Kingdom Hearts 3: Come at me naysayers. I didn’t think it possible but part 3 manages to encapsulate so much of what makes the series worthwhile into such a clean and well-made package that’s just a constant joy to play. The worlds are huge, variety is nice but not forced, challenge is quite reasonable, and the ending is just gravy.

And with that done I’ve returned to other gaming endeavors such as completing the Trine series and yet another Ys adventure. I’m starting to get that pull that drags me toward different series I’ve yet to indulge in. Maybe it’s time for Atelier or Legend of Heroes? You all let me know if you’ve got any suggestions for my next big gaming conquest. As for tonight I’ve got some grocery shopping lined up as there’s a frightening lack of masala sauce around here.

CosmicSparky Returns to Adventuring

 

After a seeming eternity of safety-measures and putting off outings for later the cementing of vaccines has finally allowed for a return to small adventures. Yes, yes, yous truly is able to venture forth and seek out the weird wonders of mid-Michigan and thanks to the new job I actually have the cash to back it up. From the earliest days of the pandemic my first goal was to return to my beloved thrift and antique holes where shopping is unpredictable and often a bit smelly. Technically I made my triumphant return last weekend via some local joints and managed to bring little home besides a few odd card games. It managed to feel like a step in the right direction yet wasn’t quite enough to rejuvenate the spirit of the hunt. After another week it was time to set out to a neighboring town to revisit some antique stores we’d hit back in the summer of 2019 which, by my calculations, was about about eight years ago. While it wasn’t everything envisioned during those homebound days it still managed to be a worthy outing for a weekend afternoon.

So the plan to kickoff returning to old junk stores was a visit to Nashville, the Michigan version, a sleepy lil burg with two decent antique markets. The main reason I’d wanted to return here was that 66 Unique Antiques had an upstairs corner filled to the brim with old records and comics where I discovered the wonders of Japanese metal band, Loudness. Suffice to say I marched upstairs and straight to that corner upon entering the building only to find bupkis… a new booth under construction with nary a sign of record or comic to be found. Using breathing techniques to steady myself I though perhaps the vendor simply changed booths, downsized, or something to that effect and commenced a total search of the store.

Eventually I learned that the legendary corner was actually stock the building owners had purchased from closed stores and the two main chunks had been bought out last fall. Ordinarily this would have cast a major cloud over the day had I not found a few lovely picks during the search. With a half-hour to spare before both places closed up I headed across the street to boardroom antiques where I nabbed one more goody and asked about a major piece of memorabilia. This old KB Toys sign was there the last time I’d visited and boy does it ever bring back some good vibes. I’ve always had lousy teeth which back when I was kid meant at least a few times a year I’d have to get some fillings. Afterward I was almost assured a visit to the Lansing Mall for Sabarro pizza and some KB shopping. Just looking at this formed plastic brings back sensations of a sore mouth, pepperoni pizza, and the sights of various mechanical toys bumping around on a walled display table. I had to ask what the asking price could be. The quote was around $250, a bit to high for me currently though I’m considering a return somewhere down the road. Of course if any of you would like to get there first and save me from myself that’s fine.

What about the days haul then? One of the first areas of note had a bevy of late-80s/early-90s comics on hand. You’ll note I picked up a few from Marvel’s failed New Universe line. These titles were long gone before my initial experience with comics and had a small failed reboot a little after I returned to the medium in the mid-aughts. The idea was a comic world that veered closer to reality with regular people suddenly being changed by something called the “white event” which granted more scientifically plausible abilities than traditional comics were known for. In recent years I’ve really wanted to dig into these obscure characters and there was a decent offering on hand at this booth. Sadly some of the others where a good deal more expensive or in the middle of their respective series but I was more than happy to march off with the first issue of Kickers Inc. John Byrne’s run on Namor is a title whose Omnibus has been tempting for a while so this issues offers a chance to get a sneak peak at whether the big tome is worth it. Punisher: The Prize just looked like a good read and Hawkworld was a pretty major overhaul for Hawkman that, like many classics DC titles, has a spotty record for collected editions.

On the record front I managed to find a vendor who tried to offer a balance of good condition items at sensible pricing. On hand was a copy of More Chad & Jeremy, a duo firmly set within the framework of Beatles and Monkees era tunes, and music from Miami Vice which offers a nice combo of material made for and licensed by the series. Over at Boardroom I got the best of Hank Williams marking I believe only my second country album in the collection. Admittedly I dispose modern upbeat country only opening my saloon doors for this classic sad-sack stuff. Among the highlights are “Why Don’t You Love Me” and one I’d never heard called “Kaw-liga” about a wooden cigar store Indian who can’t express his feelings. It’s a bit odd and more than a little culturally insensitive.

Bringing home some tunes and reading material was totally expected, what wasn’t was a glass case display of old NES titles near the check-out. While fairly small the selection of titles had plenty to offer be it action, puzzle, etc. Some like Ninja Gaiden II were just simply cost more than I was willing to give into while many of the others didn’t have much in the way of personal meaning, until I found a big one. Dragon Warrior, a game that stood alongside Final Fantasy in our cartridge collection as something my young, illiterate mind couldn't play. I certainly gave the old college try but it would be years before I finally dove headfirst into the world of JRPGs. There’s a lot of memories tied up with this cart be it watching my brothers tackle the game for real, my own meager attempts at battling slimes, or simply admiring the boss ass artwork. Once I clean this copy up it’ll serve as a reminder of how those early days resulted in modern traditions like tackling a Final Fantasy, Tales of, and Ys every year.

There was an unexpected addition to the trip in that we wove our way back through the dirt back-roads of, I believe, Mennonite country, emerging just in time to visit a place called Sunset Acres Bakery which has been around for a few years but is just outside of our usual travel routes. These ladies were stocked up on some crazy treats like sugar cookies that seem closer to personal pan sized cakes or giant rice crispy treat rolls with chocolate swirls. It feels odd to purchase something this indulgent from a bunch of repressive religious zealots but maybe this is how they vent sinful urges. Overall I enjoyed most of this stuff with their peanut butter cookies being the real winners.

So that was a tiny adventure that may just result in some extra post material down the line. It felt so good to finally get out there and feel secure enough to linger and shop properly. Now it’s time to prepare for a few more days trips like finally seeing my college. Seriously… I graduated from a school I’ve never seen. For tonight however I am content to relax and unwind before another work week unfolds. Feel free to share any thoughts on the haul or tips for nice weird stores to visit.

Snack Report: May 2021

 

    Another month brings yet another round of snacks and novelties to consume. Perfect timing too since there’s been plenty of work and the household has been riff with drama of late. We played host to a new doggy for a wee bit and he proved to be something of an ill fit and is on his way to another home that can hopefully work with his particular brand of madness. Another factor making the snack world exciting for yours truly is having a second dose of vaccine. That’s right, I’m now fully equipped to go out and snack hunt in style. Well… two a few more days technically for everything to cement, and yes I will celebrate that mark by returning to an antiques shop with a truly excellent record corner. You all best be getting your shots too, believe me, it feels great to know there’s at least a little defense standing between you and everything else. Enough of dramatics and medical science! it’s time for some food!

Hostess Lemonade Stand Twinkies

    Snack hunters can take a lot of flack for the weird shit they bring home and these lemonade Stand Twinkies earn plenty of side-eye and speculation. Suspicions soon turned around as the fatty cakes turned out to be far different than expected yet in a most pleasing way.

    Presentation’s fairly standard for Hostess. Big, bright box housing chemical-laced cakes. While we expected something more outright lemony on the flavor front the reality was far more subdued. Normally I might consider that a failure but the lite citrus undertone ends up giving each Twinkie a slightly cleaner taste with less of that fatty after-effect. For anyone who hates that lingering lard flavor this is an absolute winner. At the very least I’m giving these a 4 out of 5.

Hostess Smores Cupcakes

    These Smore cupcakes are returning after their first round in 2020 which I totally missed thanks to all the wonders of the pandemic. Other than finally being easy to find I’m not so sure these deserved a second round.

    Hear me out here. These are still decent enough snack cakes with a fairly balanced flavor. Problem is much like the Lemonade Stand Twikies this isn’t a very accurate recreation of smores nor is there any fringe benefit from the light-touch production. Instead you get a vaguely smore-esque snack that’s good enough in a pinch but lacks the necessary punch to really soar. I will at least give some points for the coloration as it still screams fireside treat. Let’s be nice and give em a 3.

Meijer Salted Caramel Peanuts

    Not a ton to say on this one, only fair since it’s available exclusive to the handful of states with Meijer stores. More than likely I would’ve failed to notice em if not for being severely let down by the sight of an empty honey roasted shelf yet again. As someone who enjoys both peanuts and caramel this seemed like an easy pick for pitch-hitter. Unfortunately the caramel aspect is a total failure. Whoever produced these for Meijer just used a caramel powder rather than some kind of coating. The result is that most of that candy flavor rubs off on your hands leaving a slightly off-tasting salted peanut. The peanuts themselves are still pretty good but why bother? 2 out of 5 purely on the strength of the peanuts.

Arbor Brewing Company Trail Lyte Beer

    By and large this is not a lite beer household. If you’re going to do something you may as well go for broke. Still; an adventurous man keeps his options open and I’m rather glad I did. The whole experience is bright, fruity, and truly refreshing meaning it’ll be a shoe-in should we ever actually get a warm night (Spring has been decidedly chilly in these parts).

    The presentation is solid with nice box-art and skinny cans that help denote the whole lite motif. Flavor begins with a clean beer taste followed by solid notes of berry and some citrus. There’s more than enough taste to stand out without getting overpowered or tacky. Not sure how far distribution on this brand stretches out but if you come across some it’s a solid choice for a hot day. Let’s grant em a 4 out of 5.

On the Boarder Homestyle Thick and Crispy tortilla chips

    Here’s another one that doesn’t require much preamble. On The Boarder, a brand whose cafe style tortilla chips already make for some great nachos, decided to put out a thick and crispy variant likely to compete with the likes of Donkey Chips. While not as thoroughly enjoyable as Donkey when plan or dipped these Homestyle chips still make a pretty solid base for nacho consumption. At least a 3 out of 5.

Key Lime Pie Kit-Kat

    A tiny gift from a sibling returning from a road trip, these newest kit-kats were an interesting proposition. The brand has such a wide ratio of success to failure that it’s always tricky to test out their newest flavors. Just looking at this bright green wrapper makes one likely to point a finger at the candy and demand it live up to its potential.

    So what’s the verdict? Oh yeah, these are good. Not only did they nail a proper key lime pie flavor, they somehow kept it reserved enough to seem refreshing instead of overbearing. The entire package was inhaled in mere seconds. A total winner, one of the best kit-kat off-shoots I’ve seen in some time, go grab some while you can and pray they make a return in years to come. Gonna give em a 4.5 rating.

Skittles Gummies Wild Berry

    The first in a trio of items I found at my first trip to Speedway in over a year these Skittles Gummies are something of a dream come true. I’ve loved Skittles of any kind my whole life but there’s always that point when their texture starts to destroy your mouth. That painful reality can now be circumvented by the power of gummies.

    So far only had the chance to dig into the Wild Berry variety but what a knockout. These give the full flavor of Skittles with the comforting, chewy joy of gummy. Hell; they even smell good. Debating it at the moment but this may indeed be worthy of a perfect score of 5.

Hi-Chew Fruit Combos

    Hi-Chew is definitely a love it or hate it kinda candy. Some folks can’t stand the waxy nature of these things or find the flavors too muted. Generally being a fan of them though made me stoked to try these new combo flavors since they include the all-mighty mango. At least theory that is seeing as there were only two mango piece in the entire bag that was otherwise overrun with pina colada.

    Disappointment at the pina colada flood aside these are still some good chewy candy. I’d dare say the cream element in these two flavors comes across better than most of the normal fruit varieties. If you don’t like Hi-Chew then these aren’t gonna change your mind but for those who enjoy em this is a worthwhile spin-off. 3 outta 4. Might be more if they included enough mango.

Mingua Bourbon Beef Jerky

    It’s a rare treat to stumble upon a spindle rack filled with a previously unknown jerky brand yet that night in Speedway offered plenty of options for taking the Mingua brand for a test-drive. I decided to go with a more basic flavor, figuring that a company needs to nail the basics before achieving anything truly marvelous. These guys couldn’t even manage that.

    I can forgive the rustic down home charm of the packaging but the jerky itself seems like something your buddy might create as an experiment. It’s thin, dry, salty, and all-around harsh. This might be a bit cruel but I’m gonna have to give these a 1 out of 5.

Monster Strawberry lemonade Rehab and Pappilion

    With the increase in housebound hours during the pandemic I’ve rarely had a chance to indulge in energy drinks. Spending a portion of one workday entering different Monsters into the register system opened up my eyes to everything I’d been missing. Rest assured the employee discount was utilized immediately in order to bring home these new elixirs.

    Much as I enjoy the Rehab line, much like Rockstar’s Recovery drinks, this newest flavor doesn’t do quite enough to set it apart from the pack. In fact I’m hard pressed to come up with much of a description for it other than light, somewhat fruity, energy drink. It went down well-enough with the energy formula preforming admirably. Sadly there’s just not a whole lot going on here. Maybe deserving of a middle of the road 2.5 rating.

    Pappilion comes out a bit better across the board thanks to excellent presentation and a far more unique taste. The pinky peach can covered in butterflies is quite the looker and the perfume smell puts one in the mood for indulgence. The flavor is in interesting one with aspects of different fruits blending together in a way that feels like springtime thanks to an almost floral aftertaste. It’s a good one for sure. Not absolute top tier material yet good enough to earn a 3.5 or maybe 4.

Brother’s Bond Bourbon

    While out of town to get my second dose of vaccine I was able to visit a damn nice liquor store in order to stock up on a few cough… essentials. While trying to hunt for some items on the grocery list I came across something I thought would be much tougher to find, Brother’s Bond Bourbon. What makes this bottle so special you ask? It’s all in the novelty of this brand belonging to Ian Somerhalder and Paul Wesley, aka the Salvatore brothers of Vampire Diaries fame. In essence this is the semi-official drink of those who love pretty vampires. Novelty will only get you so far however so how’s it hold up as a drink?

    When it comes to the whiskey/scotch/etc arena I’ve the least experience with bourbon so don’t expect a lot of direct comparisons there. Still; I know what I like and Brother’s Bond at least falls within the positive end of that spectrum. Both the smokiness and bite are bolder than I expected yet it still manages to go down fairly smooth. All the burn is delayed however so don’t go acting hard and taking shots without prepping for a screaming throat a few seconds later. There’s a lot of whiskey that I’d pick up before this one, especially in the forty dollar price range, but for those who like a decent sipping bourbon I can see this being a hit. Personally I’ll grant it a 3.5 though I expect others will find it more to their liking.

Doritos 3D

    Yet another revival of an item hailing from that strange period of time when yours truly wasn’t an absolute snack-fiend. Yes indeed, much like Oreo-O’s this sub-line of Doritos never passed my lips back in the day. One might think that would make their return all the more exciting but for whatever reason I’ve been forgetting to pick these up for months now. Perhaps this has something to do with the association of how these are a Doritos take on Bugles, one of the worst snacks ever made.

    Can’t say either flavor, Spicy Ranch or Chili Cheese Nacho, have done much to win me over. On one end I appreciate their spicy nature but neither the flavor nor texture really do a whole lot that other chips already do better. Maybe some different flavors and more powder could help. Otherwise it just felt like a sad reminder that you could be eating actual Doritos instead of these. They’re not a total letdown but I fail to see what they have to offer. Let’s say 2.5 to be nice.

    Did… did I finish? You wouldn’t believe how long this post has taken to complete. Fact is I’ve yet to adjust the writing schedule to the new work schedule, not to mention how selling thousands of dollars in Pokemon product can leave one a bit dead-headed. Still; having a consistent source of income combined with a lovely vaccine means there could be a much wider variety of content coming down the pipeline. We’re approaching a renewed era of freedom my friends. Why mere hours ago I saw the inside of two local joints for the first time in over a year. Anyhow it’s horror movie night so I’m gonna wrap this up and settle in for some much-needed downtime. You all feel free to share in recent snack finds or if you think I’m way of the mark on any of this current crop.

Kingdom Hearts Marathon Part 2

 

    You ever write a whole blog post only to discover it doesn’t have an intro? That’s what I just did. Well guess what? I’ve spent the last hour and a half writing about Disney role-playing games so I deserves a little slack just this one. Enjoy my further adventures in the depths of Kingdom Hearts.

Dream Drop Distance

    Originally created for the 3DS the aptly named Dream Drop Distance has the thankless job of tying all the events of past titles, particularly Birth by Sleep, and Recoaded together while setting up the big finish on the horizon. At the same time it introduces brand new staples to the series and a weirdo Pokemon style monster element. Perhaps due to it’s handheld nature, 3D is much more fast paced and manic than many of its predecessors as the 3DS and later PS3/PS4 ports allowed the game to run much more quickly than KH fans were accustomed too. That same processing power allows for a grander scope as worlds feel huge this time around.

    The idea for this one is that both Sora and Riku are taking on the mark of mastery exam to become keyblade masters and learn the power of waking. To do this they must journey to sleeping worlds and fight against and alongside critters called Dream Eaters. Along the way they must contend with yet another form of Xehanort who has some plans for Sora.

    It’s commonplace for folks to joke about the story of Kingdom Hearts being nonsensical yet by and large I’ve never really had trouble following it. Sure I’ve had some questions and would definitely like some further details on a few aspects but I generally get what their aiming for. That’s not always the case with 3D as several important aspects of the plot are hardly explained, or if they are it’s out of order and purposely vague. The time travel stuff and rules for sleeping worlds are strangely the worst of it since they are explained over and over just never in a way that really makes sense.. Other bits like the true purpose of Organization XIII or the recreated people are easy enough to suss out so there’s a weird balance of good and bonkers. I suppose the story falls pray to the same thing as game-play in that the handheld approach made for a story that was meant to be taken in with smaller chunks. Heck, some of the story sequences are skipable. Personally I’m of two minds on this ones plot as I found Sora’s end to be a bit aimless. Riku on the other hand gets a chance to shine which makes his side of things much more interesting as we watch him become a true hero in his own way.

    There’s a lot of new game-play twists this time around, some awesome while others are a tad wonky. Take Reality shifts for example. Each world has a special battle command that alters combat in some way. I enjoyed a few like the three musketeer comics and hacking in Tron but the initial power of launching objects or Notre Dame’s faith-lines are sorta nonsensical. Another big edition is flow-motion which adds an element of jet set radio style navigation to the game as the boys can now boost off walls, grind rails/pipes, and whip around polls and large enemies. Several attacks are made available through these moves, the most useful being a downward slam that damages all nearby enemies. Can’t forget that every new world begins with a dive which plays out like a skydiving battle. I get the impression these scenes likely worked better with the added depth of the 3DS screen. On a television they can get cluttered and distracting and some of the dive bosses are just lame.

    The biggest shift in game-play comes in the form of spirits. Since the boys aren’t traveling with trusty companions like Donald and Goofy they instead rely on pokemon/digimon/any sort of mon beasties to fill the party slots. Don’t just think of these guys as party members though since they are also the closest thing to equipment and are the primary source for commands and abilities. It becomes a weird juggling act between keeping your upgraded partners equipped for the stat boost or working one someone new for possibly greater bonuses.

    3D is a very odd entry in the franchise. It stands apart from a lot of what came before yet doesn’t really set the tone for what’s to come either. The story is vital but not the most emotionally gripping. Battles are fun though the spirits aren’t as memorable sidekicks as proper Disney characters. All that said I still very much enjoyed the adventure and found the difficulty/fun balance to be much better with less random bullshit, save for Chernabog. I can appreciate all the unique ideas when taken right in the center of this marathon. It’s on the lower end of the series for me but still a far cry from the weakest entry.

0.2 A Fragmentery Passage

    Released as part of the 2.8 package that brought 3D to traditional consoles, Fragmentary Passage builds on the concept for Birth by Sleep’s secret episode. That means you’re back in control of Aqua immediately after her previous adventure though with some twists. What makes this one so unique is that it’s the shortest title in the franchise, roughly three hours, meant as a proper set-up for part III. I can’t really say much about the story since it’s all a spolery bridge between Sleep and KH III though I will note it marks the introduction of elements from the mobile phone game into proper series lore.

    As this was meant to offer a tease of what was to come with number 3 we see a shit back towards original KH combat. Some later additions like Lockshots and Flow-motion are here but each has been refined and altered. Yet another new game-play component arrives in the form of grand magic. Essentially this is a bonus for spamming magic attacks by granting the free usage of an upgraded spell. Throw a bunch of firaga at the enemies? Here’s a freebie firaja to finish them off. There’s also a reworked version of the form changes from Sleep, allowing Aqua to mix things up after building enough momentum.

    As I always like to discuss the wishy washy difficulty of this series I feel it best to point out that I think this is the first entry I never saw a game over screen during. With the others it could come down to factors like trying out a secret boss or getting caught unprepared for a big battle but I soared through this one and got that lovely undefeated trophy. That’s not to say it’s too easy however since some of the bosses, mainly the last one have got a couple shitty moves up their sleeves.

    For better or worse, Passage is a specialty title. Something to play for a night or two in order to wet appetites for the big kaboom to come. It’s done well-enough with plenty of tweaks and enhancements to make for a solid little adventure, even Willa Holland’s performance has improved. Plus it did the job of getting my hyped for KH III.

X Back Cover

    Also released as part of the 2.8 package is this CG movie that details some of the events of mobile phone game that I never played. The whole thing is the ultimate prequel of KH lore set long before anything else we’ve seen. The universe is young and a wise man in a black coat assigns roles to different guardians who lead their own guilds in what will eventually become the keyblade war.

    As with most Square CG stuff the craftsmanship can’t be denied. Locations and characters are beautiful to behold. Animation is top notch. And unlike the previous movies this one is just around an hour making for some easy viewing. Obviously if you’ve never played the mobile game then some of this is gonna feel over your head but the film gives just enough so anyone can have some understanding of this wing of the franchise.

    While it is certainly neat to get a glimpse this far back into the KH world the ending of this video leaves one wondering what, if anything, from it matters. There’s just so much tossed at the viewer with damn near zero answers. Who’s the master? (Sho-nuff)? Who’s the traitor? And as Brad Pitt once so eloquently put it, what the fuck is in the fuckin’ box? At least that was how I felt after watching it but what was more important is that it was finally time for the big goal.

Kingdom Hearts III

    For as much as this series play-through was to get back in touch with a beloved franchise and experience titles I’d missed the real end-goal was finally taking a shot at KH III. Not only was my curiosity peaked to see how all the elements of the series introduced after part II would be foalded into a numbered entry but there was also the matter of how all these plot threads could be wrapped up. Then there was one bit of extra curiosity to contend with, all the whining since it’s release. To a certain extent I had to avoid some of those complaints to dodge spoilers but I’d heard plenty that barely made sense, that the game was somehow “rough” and “too easy.” Complaining that a game with multiple difficulties is “too easy” ranks among some of the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard so my brow was naturally raised in suspicion for most of that discussion. I’ll come back to that later. Now that I’ve had the opportunity to play the game in full, what’s the response? Man this thing is goddamn outstanding.

    Recovering from the events of Dream Drop Distance we find our heroes facing down a sort of Search for Spock scenario. The big endgame against Xehanort is coming and many of the lost or fallen cast-members must somehow be recovered in order to put up a proper defense. Beyond that Sora still hasn’t master the power of waking and must seek out that ability while dodging multiple returned villains and visiting new Disney lands for clues.

    One of the big concerns for me with this one was the selection worlds to visit. Several of them are based on properties I can’t stand like Monsters Inc and Frozen. Most of them still work out quite well with the aforementioned two being among the weak links. I was amazed at how enjoyable Toy Story turned out to be, the associated keyblade is one of the best in the game. Frozen oddly provides one of the best guest characters in the form of Elsa’s hulking snow monster. And while I’ve not seen the film itself the Tangled section made it seem like that might be an alright flick.

    As for game-play additional features from the handheld titles seep their way in with the return of shotlocks, flowmotion, and grand magic. Combine those with new abilities team-up attacks, link attacks (basically summons), form changes for each keyblade (sometimes two), the ability to freely swap between 3 keyblades, and utilize Disney theme park rides and there’s never a lack of options for taking out enemies. Oh and did I mention there are a total of three quick command windows available for customization? Even better you never need to swap out characters as Donald and Goofy can stay in combat along with any number of guests. The flow is much closer to earlier games but but all the possible techniques make battles a joy.

    Outside of combat there are a variety of other pursuits like cooking mini-games, sailing a pirate ship, or the return of the gummi ship that plays out like its own space-exploration title. You can hunt down lucky Mickey symbols, play over three Tiger handheld style games on your phone. Search out constellations to photograph. It took me close to thirty-four hours to finish the story and there’s still plenty leftover to complete should I feel the need.

    So how does this rank as a conclusion for this ark of the franchise? Well the presentation is some of the best you’ll find on the PS4. Damn thing’s gorgeous and generally runs at a silky smooth 60 FPS. Music is outstanding (except for Let It Go, ugh). Plus there is a ton of story to witness. Much like the first game you often play through a Disney world and then get some development of the main plot. That’s the case here but some of these story sections are over twenty-minutes long. The final hours provide so many moments for this massive case with some touching bits and a weirdly tender look at who Xehanort really is. Some plot threads are left open for the next era but this core clump is successfully put to bed with heart and class.

    So what about that supposed “too easy” difficulty? This is much easier than its predecessors but it is not too easy. I actually read one review, written by possibly the worst game reviewer I’ve ever seen, where he claims that seeing his first game-over screen at the ten-hour mark was proof of the adventure lacking challenge. If you saw a game-over screen then there’s clearly some challenge. And what sort of ninny falls that early in the game? This altered difficulty helps the game a ton quite frankly as there are still some small moments of bullshit but players are given enough wiggle room to power through should they suck at whatever novelty has been thrown their way. Honestly the final three bossess are pretty mean too.

    I’ve spent some time looking into the negative response from some gamers and yea… they’re full of shit. There’s accusations of it not having enough content which clearly isn’t real. There’s the aforementioned difficulty debate which is BS. Then there’s the weird conspiracy theorist types who seem offended by Disney stuff which begs the question of why the fuck they’re playing these games to begin with. Without a doubt this is one of the best experiences on the recent generation of consoles and if you try and tell me it’s bad I can only assume you’re a liar, spoiled child, moron or a little of each.

    KH III was more than worth the wait. I watched the final credits, after scenes, and secret ending with a full sense of accomplishment and emotional trauma. I can’t wait to see where the series goes from here which means I’m in luck since I still have to play through Melody of Memory. I’ll report back on that one and some other thoughts on the franchise in a later post. As for tonight I need a walk and some Ultraman Taro. Have a wonderful weekend everyone.

The ABCs of Horror: The Letter A.

 

Anytime you end up with a massive collection of something there’s a weird challenge in figuring out how to talk about it. Consider my horror movie collection, over 1200 titles as of this writing, and that’s to say nothing of the ones I still hope to own and the infinite sea of flicks I’ve just watched. Outside of very specific events like holidays or recent pleasant surprises it can be tough to narrow down a single topic. While sitting in the office, aka the bathroom, a totally arbitrary yet nifty concept floated into my head, let’s just talk about the collection one letter at a time. This opens the door for sharing favorite and shameful pieces of the collection along with some personal anecdotes and hidden gems. Let’s get started the letter A which denotes everything from haunted dolls to space bugs. It’s kinda odd that this letter is actually a fairly small chunk of the collection with B being roughly twice the size, and that being dwarfed by the likes of N or S. On the plus side that means there isn’t as much god-awful junk filling up the shelves and cubbies under this heading.

Best

I suppose it only makes sense to kick off with one of the most likely series to come to mind, Aliens. That’s no surprise really since the franchise is such a crucial part of horror fandom, film culture, just basic nerdom really. Everybody likes at least a couple of entries regardless of the rougher later installments like Prometheus. For my sake I believe my introduction to the series came from Fox 17 outta Grand Rapids. Back in the day that channel had some of the best programming directors in the business which makes their current line-up all the more depressing. Who the fuck needs 5 hours of morning news? Awesome movies airing at like two in the morning on a weeknight wasn’t unheard of and, along with weekend afternoon flicks, helped to build my early film loving brain. Since I’m getting way off track the point is I loved and still do love Aliens. I bought the toys, played video games, and honestly think the third entry is my personal favorite of the bunch.

So great was m fandom during the 1990s that it even became part of our holidays celebrations. Thanksgiving 1997 was an odd one to say the least. I was 12 at the time and went with my parents to visit my brother at his army post in upstate New York. It was the sort of turkey day with a buffet served by a hotel and mountainous quantities of snow. Being a holiday weekend there were some big new movies out there like cough, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. Or if you’re like my brood you sat down to digest pounds of gravy to the brown slimy antics of Alien Resurrection. In fact that may be the only movie I’ve ever watched outside of my home state. And yeah, I don’t care what you say, the movies a blast and I adore the newborn.

I’ve mentioned Amityville 2 more than a few times on this site as the meanest, scariest entry in the series. Really there’s not much to say about it except I realize I’ve yet to complete the Amityville retrospective. There’s like half an article just sitting somewhere on this PC. Consider this a reminder for me to finish and you to watch this second movie.

Arachnophobia was, for a time at least, one of my absolute favorite films of all time. Of course I was like 8 at the time and a lifetime of movie viewing has set it back quite a few spaces. Even so this killer spider flick probably held more sway over my developing brain than it should have. I already feared spiders so this just cemented that instinct even further. Likewise I took inspiration from the characters and that epic basement battle scene and turned my distaste for creepy crawlies into an all-out campaign against any arachnid foolish enough to set foot on our property.

Altered States is one of those movies where just the VHS case alone used to make me uneasy. Don’t think I even had a clue what it was about back then but I new it was supposed to be gross and it had that freaky cover. Once I finally sat down as an adult to brave the thing boy did I ever fall in love. Equal parts creepy and deep with an almost Lovecraftian outlook on the uncaring nature of existence. There’s just so much to like about it that I never want to spoil for you all. Seriously go track ti down.

Can’t forget a little international fare so let’s talk about Audition. I can never recall the name of this one movie review website in the early 2000s that did so much to bring a lot of awesome movies into my life with their recommendations. This place had me giddy for stuff like Donnie Darko and Lost Skeleton of Cadavra long before other folks even knew what they were. Audition was among those titles and just like them didn’t fail to live up to the hype. What made it better was the surprise of getting so much more than just a hyper violent thriller as this is also a great drama. It marked my first Miike movie and is one I really don’t revisit often enough.

There’s a few essential horror tales that aren’t necessarily that well known. Altered is an outstanding flip on alien abductions by having hicks abduct a spaceman, a very angry one at that. It’s been left to languagish on out-of-print DVD but I think it can still be gotten fairly cheap so go buy a copy. Alice Sweet Alice is one of those step up titles, not known to the average Sick and Jane but automatically a must watch for declared horror fans. Really excellent proto-slasher with plenty of criticism for religious dogma. Audrey Rose is just something I hold in high regard. Part of the wave of 1970s reincarnation stories that originated as a novel by Frank De Felitta before Richard Donner trimmed to work as a two-hour film. There’s some definite rough patches like repetitive dialogue and a child actor who isn’t quite up to the challenge of this role but the unique storytelling and performance from Anthony Hopkins make it all worthwhile. Oh god, how could I forget Alligator, one of the most well-written giant animal movies and one that’s criminally difficult to get these days. And even though it’s plenty well known I’d be remiss to cover the letter A and leave out Army of Darkness.

Worst

Of the bead flicks I’ve got in this section many are innocuous, easily forgettable tripe. Most of the “bad” stuff hails from ole black and white public domain fair that maintains at least a slim level of entertainment value like Attack of the Giant Leaches or The Ape. Probably the only one that really busts my balls is An American Werewolf in Paris. While not a massive fan of the original London outing I couldn’t resist the urge to buy this used Blockbuster copy of the sequel to have the full story. Nothing could have prepared me for this obnoxious half-baked rom-com sequel that’s so bad it’s hard to believe it’s actually real. Even the timeline of the film is off with the girl being way too old for when she was born.

Ya know how I mentioned the Aliens series had a few rough patches well we might as well talk about Aliens vs Predator: Requiem. While the first AVP gets a lot of flack it at least manages to be entertaining by condensing so much of the two franchises into one quick dose, almost like one of those pill meals we’re meant to have in some distant future. This second match-up is closer to a Critters sequel only not good. From lousy characters to abysmal lighting and an almost carbon copy ending of the second Resident Evil movie, weird considering Paul W. S. Anderson made the previous AVP. This thing is straight trash that somehow makes an alien/predator hybrid comes across as lame.

Wild.

If you’re somehow not tired of seeing the word alien in this artivle , guess what, I’ve got another in the form of the clumsily titled Alien Predators. Actually it’s got like half-a-dozen other titles but that’s the one you’ll find on the blu-ray. I first saw AP on THIS, a broadcast movie network that has sadly dissipated from my area. By all metrics of film production this is bad stuff but it’s the fun kind of bad stuff with weird dialogue and gross-out effects. The whole thing involves a trio of horny teenagers on an RV trip through Spain that come across village overrun with parasitic space monsters. Not only does that keep the budget trim but it lends a sort of zombie vibe to everything.

The Abominable Dr. Phibes is the first of two colorful and wild Vincent Price outings from American International Pictures. Each of them are a bit weird to get into with most of price’s dialogue being piped-in monologues along with robot band musical accompaniments though once you submit to the sarcastic cartoon aesthetic it’s quite a lot of fun. Thankfully both movies perfectly walk the line of being over-the-top while still being well-done and yet silly enough to still poke fun at.

The Alien Factor (thought I was done with aliens did ya?) marked my first ever exposure to the works of Don Dohler and man was I ever hooked. None of his films can ever be accused of being quality work thanks to all the hallmarks of piss-poor film-making. Lousy acting, tacky effects, bare-bones plots, slapdash editing, everything’s accounted for. Yet there’s this energy and sincerity that permeates Dohler’s work much like some kids backyard super 8 movie. Guy wasn’t out to change the world or spread a message. He just wanted to make some monster movies.

There are a few more oddballs floating around this section like American Gothic which was one of those videos you remember seeing at the store and wanted to see simply because of the cover. Then you grow up to find a funny thriller with some wild death scenes and all is right with the world. The Ambulance is a highlight of the back end of Larry Cohen’s career with a comic book writer played by Eric Roberts trying to reclaim his dreamgirl from an old ambulance that is snatching people off the street. Very dated with an exaggerated early-nineties style and some neat glimpses at Marvel Comics during the era with Stan Lee appearing as himself.

Alright, so there was a tour of the Letter A sans a few items. Admittedly I’m stretched for ideas at the moment with starting the new job and someone having the boneheaded idea to add another pet to the house (cause who doesn’t love more chores?). Oh and did I forget to mention I rescued my cat from the roof last night? Indulging in this trip down memory lane does have some piratical value in reminding me where everything is and why I collect all these things. Hopefully you enjoyed it and we can make latter letter recaps even better. Right now I either need a nap, some caffeine, or both. 

Ultraman Ace Series Review

 

    Out of all the major tokusatsu hero franchises I’d say my best overall experience has been with the Ultra shows. Of course there have been some wretched episodes along with some questionable plotlines but the shows always managed to provide enough fun, depth, and outright weirdness to make it all worthwhile. Still; every series has to trip up every once s often and that’s where Ultraman Ace comes in. Here we have a show that starts off trying to differentiate itself from what came before only to stumble, puss out, and finally put up it’s hands and declare ‘that’s all I’ve got.” As with previous shows I’ve spent the past few months making my way through this one and am ready to share the highs and lows with all of you.

    On the surface, Ultraman Ace has largely the same set-up as any other Ultra show. Giant monsters are a frequent problem. During a monster attack someone proves themselves to be heroic at cost to their own health and is subsequently resurrected by an Ultra brother who then helps protect planet Earth. There are a few added wrinkles this time around such as a recurring villain and two hosts for this ultra dude. In case you’re scared of change there’s still a generic monster fighting task force and plenty of weekly standalone mysteries to offer comfort.

    As mentioned there’s a new twist to the franchise with a duo of hosts for Ace. Indeed it takes both a man and woman coming together for Ace to enter battle. Some folks say there are hints of this duel nature in the character design but other than the red bra across the chest I’m stomped. Supposedly this concept didn’t fly all that well with some of the viewing audience and in practice it adds a few unneeded complications as the pair always need to be in contact to summon their Ultra counterpart. Furthering the weirdness are hints of a possible romantic connection between the two. There isn’t much to either of them really. Hokuto is a pretty standard Ultra guy with the only discernible difference being that he’s a bit more upbeat than heroes like Dan and Go. For her part Minami is a very underdeveloped character, she’s a female hero and that’s about it. For better or worse the pairing doesn’t last with Minami leaving the show a little past the halfway point in a manner that could easily be compared to Poochey.

    As for the rest of this years mystery squad, TAC (Terrible-Monster Attack Crew) there’s the usual mix of personalities and gender percentages. The most notable support character is Commander Ryu. He’s that classic mix of hard-ass and father-figure though I’d say he feels more traditional than past leaders. Second up is Yamanaka as the groups heavy. He’s an expert marksman with a tough attitude who’s always ready to call out his co-workers for getting slack or going soft. Konno is the sorta comic-relief chubby guy strongman. Mikawa is the other girl of the team who’s more outright feminine and gets a bit more time in the spotlight once Minami takes off. Yoshimura is the young guy… that’s basically all there is to him. On occasion the writers try to make him more scientifically minded but it’s so inconsistent that it doesn’t stick. Speaking of science, the team has an R&D member named Kaji who just up and vanishes somewhere around episode thirty.

    One factor that really starts to irritate as the series stretches on is how skeptical the whole TAC team is about everything. Week after week people report monsters and teammates offer theories only to be shot down with accusations like drinking, hallucinations, or simply being horny. A whole village might report a monster attack and be accused of being bumpkins for their trouble. This happens in other Ultra shows yet it’s ampped up so much in this one that it makes our supposed heroes come across as lazy assholes. I noticed a change in this during the later episodes as if some of the writers realized how much they’d been using this as a crutch for cheap writing.

    For the first time within the franchise there is a main villain in the form of interdimensional invaders called Yapool. They come up lacking in the motivation department with the straightforward intent of conquering other dimensions just for the sake of evil. What they lack in personality is offset by how a continued threat plays off of the usual case of the week structure. It works out best when TAC is dealing with an unrelated issues like aliens only to have Yapool throw themselves into the mix.

    After the Yapool conflict is wrapped up and Minami leaves the show restructures into something closer to the back end of Return of Ultraman. We see more of Hokuto’s home life as he befriends a neighboring brother sister pair the latter of which, Dan, becomes way too big of a character for his own good. This franchise has already had plenty of loud, ugly kids and it wasn’t in need of another. I guess someone in charge must’ve felt the same way since these siblings go M.I.A. during the final stretch. That doesn’t stop us from a long string of adventures where Hokuto bonds with various children however. One very odd aspect of this shift in focus is the continued naming convention of Terrible-Monsters. Early on it is established that there are varying threats out there be it aliens, regular old monsters, or giant critters augmented by Yapool called Terrible-Monsters. Once Yapool is mostly defeated it would stand to reason that the majority of foes would then fall in the first two camps but the show just keeps calling em Terrible-Monsters. It’s the damnedest thing.

    It strikes me that I totally forget to address another feature of this show, a larger interest in cameos and interactions with past heroes. Doubling-down on the connective tissue introduced during Return of Ultraman, Ace frequently gets his butt bailed out by the likes of Zoffy, Seven, or the newly introduced Father or Ultra. If you’re really into that aspect of the franchise then I suppose this is a cool treat. The flip-side is how it makes Ace look like a total wuss who needs his family to fight battles for him.

    I’ve been impressed across the ultra franchise with how each series tends to find a good stride and unique personality along the way. Q had the whole Outer Limits vibe, Ultraman was fun sci-fi, Ultraseven took a more serious approach, and Return upped the threat level and action. Ace never manages to pull that off though and it’s too cowardly to stick to the unique concepts it started with. The result is something generic that is a step-down from its predecessors. The characters aren’t as rich, the writing not as fluid, the fights not as thrilling, etc. Maybe it was that the crew was starting to get worn out or that some of the trump-card writers and directors like Jissoji and Toji were busy elsewhere, but there aren’t as many highlights to be found making this show more fit for the hardcore fans. It’s just not a great show which is only further compounded as it losses steam and reaches a lousy ending.

    Even with all its problems, Ace still has a few genuinely good episodes worthy of viewing. There aren’t as many to chose from as there was with previous shows and even the best of these come up short of the best from other series. Each makes for some fun Friday night entertainment though. I did want to make a special mention of episode 35 which I’ve seen other reviewers bash for being terrible but man did it ever earn some good giggles from this guy. In short it’s about bed-wetting. I watched the same night as Zack Synder’s Justice League and is was so refreshingly bonkers and unpretentious that it totally made up for the previous four hours of nonsense.

That lovely mural is nearing completion.

Episode 34: a terrible-monster dances on a rainbow over the sea

    One of the better, if not the best, examples from the Hokuto befriends kids section of the series manages to throw some decent drama into the mix. To be honest I barely remember the monster portion of this one but the human element concerns a kid who obsessively collects special sea-shells. His dad did out at sea but the kids older sister didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth. Instead she gave him so BS about how dad will come home once he collects so many rare shells. Hokuto makes it his duty to get this kid living and socializing again. It’s melodramatic for sure but good fun all the same.

Episode 7: monster vs terrible-monster vs alien

    Early on the tone of Ace is a bit more adult than what it becomes after a few revisions and nowhere is that more evident than this Yamanaka focuses tale. As the title suggest there are multiple problems for TAC to deal with, one of the neat advantages of recurring villains, and Yamanka’s lady gets caught in the crossfire. Not an amazing outing but a solid example of what the show could have done had it stuck to its original structure.

Episode 38: Resurrection! Father of Ultra!

    Seeing as the Ultra franchise is a Japanese thing it’s understandable that episodes dedicated to holidays we westerners love are somewhat rare. Occasionally these toku franchises will dive into a Halloween or Christmas outing but it’s not quite the same and doesn’t always scratch that seasonal itch. This Christmas episode however is one of the nuttiest damn holidays specials I’ve seen in quite some time and I own Christmas specials featuring ass massage techniques.

    Hokuto accompanies his neighbors to visit an orphanage run by their dear friend. The plan is to give the wee kids a great time with gifts, a play, fake snowmen, you name it. Suddenly a bizarre winter storm breaks out with lightning that causes blindness and bleeding from the eyes. Some weirdo has summoned an evil spirit to punish people for celebrating this devilish western holiday, oh and Santa shows up too. To say things get out of hand is an understatement. And while the kids can get downright annoying this is a major treat for anyone who craves giant monster fights and ocular trauma as part of their yule tide celebrations.

Episode 23: Zoffy Appears, Game Changer

    Despite what the title says this one has very little to do with Zoffy as it basically marks the end of the Yapool plotline. Granted they carry on a little further and make some occasional appearances but this is roughly the cut-off point. Our baddies sure know who to make an exit though with a great big scheme and a freaky psychedelic fight against Ace.

    The story begins with some odd priest who travels Japan as something of a pied piper. He encourages kids to dance and sing some crazy shit only to whisk them away from our reality. Yapool has figured out that there’s no need to conquer humanity if they simply make sure there’s no future generations to deal with. By snatching all the kids they hope to ensure a slow extinction for the human race. Naturally Ace has to brave a trip to alternate dimensions in order to safeguard the future of Earth.

    Ace is often at its best when it goes outright nuts and there’s enough crazy to make this one sing along with some more dramatic moments for added depth. Everything about it from cinematography to editing is just a bit more refined making for an excellent episode.

Episode 17: Summer Horror Story: The Demon Woman of Hotarugawara

    I neglected to point out during past reviews the commencement of seasonal horror story sections which, I believe, started with Return of Ultraman. The basic idea is that come summer, winter, or both there will be a three or four week sequence of spooky tales. That is in theory however as two of Ace’s summer scares simply have a larger amount of supernatural tomfoolery about them than the average adventure. That meekness goes out the door with this one which is pure old-fashioned Japanese horror.

    The episode kicks off in attention-grabbing fashion by having people seemingly devoured by fireflies right down to the bone. One nighttime car crash after another with the skeletal aftermath looking something like that old don’t drink and drive PSA. This particular stretch of road is important to TAC as they plan on having a nifty new weapon transported through there. It’s up to the whole team to figure out what’s up and who the spooky lady in the mask is.

    A very rare Minami focused story sees her befriending a wheelchair-bound girl who may be the only potential witness to these strange events. This gives us a great insight into her personality, her methods, plus it feels so classic to have a horror tale from a female point of view. Offering great atmosphere, some much needed attention for Minami, and a unique monster this one is just a damn good time.

    Clearly Ace doesn’t inspire the same level of admiration as its brethren but it made for decent enough viewing to ease through these previous months of continuing semi-lockdown. And it hasn’t lessened the hold this franchise has over the household since I’ll be kicking of Ultraman Taro come this Friday. Expect a write-up on that one in the summertime. In the meantime I’ve got another work week ahead of me so I’d best enjoy what free time there is and see you all back here this weekend or so.