Hippity Hoppity, Easter came and went. Honestly the holiday barely registered this year with the past week having far more notable developments that have led to half-a-dozen rewrites of this intro. We put down a very old and sickly dog, no need for condolences as it was more than time to send him on. Plus on my personal front I managed to get my first Maderna shot and start a new job in, looks at watch, like sixteen hours. Even so any man with a love for ridiculous food appreciates the wave ff candy and promise of pig portions that pervade early Spring. And since food is such a part of this supposedly holy time why not dive into a brand new snack report? Full disclosure; there’s very little in the way of actual holiday stuff so much as it’s new Spring crap along with a few stragglers.
Dunkin Donut Mocha Latte Cereal
The line-up of Dunkin Donuts cereals came out many months ago and I’ve had ample opportunity to bring them all home. Timing was always an issue however as it’s tough to rationalize buying these when my cart already 2 or 3 other limited cereals. At last the star aligned and I finally brought some home resulting in the discovery of one of the most pleasant surprises in the cereal aisle. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves though.
I often complain about the tendency for ceral packaging to be clean, blind, and pretty much lifeless. Whoever designed the packaging for these Dunkin cereals found a way to turn that clean ultra-modern aesthetic into a plus. Not only do the fronts look somewhat like a coffee bag but these might have the best side-art I’ve ever seen an a breakfast item.
Cracking it open unleashes a very strong scent, you can smell a bowl from across a room. It’s very mocha-ish with a hint of chocolate and by god is that ever a great set-up for the flavor. So many companies have failed at coffee themed cereals but this has enough sweetness and chocolaty undertones with a great texture that it feels like an improvement on Cocoa-Puffs. It looks good, smells strong, and tastes great. Awesome cereal worthy of at least a 4.5 out of 5.
Dunkin Donuts Caramel Machiatto Ceral
It’s a sad truth for us some of us to deal with but, to my knowledge at least, there has never been a truly awesome caramel cereal. This other Dunkin cereal is indeed fighting that uphill battle yet fails to accomplish as much as its sibling. I’m gonna cut to the chase and say it’s not a horrible cereal just a very troubled one.
On the plus side this shares many of the same qualities as the Mocha version from good packaging to decent texture. The problem is solely in the flavor department where by taking the machiato approach everything from scent to taste all has this weird burnt tinge to it. It’s like someone overcooked your cereal which is such a weird thing to experience. I’ve still been able to take on a few bowls thanks to the general quality of this brand but I won’t be returning to this one again as it just isn’t good enough. Maybe a 2.5 outta 5.
Krave Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cereal
Holy shit this stuff is awesome. Oh wait, spoiler alert! Holy Shit this stuff is awesome. Let’s be honest here. Krave is probably the best product line to hit the breakfast aisle in the last decade, stuff’s pretty much bachelor chow made real. This newest limited edition flavor is modeled on chocolate chip cookie dough and man does it ever fill a hole.
Us oldies routinely whine about the days when Cookie Crisp was actually good. It’s tough to pinpoint whether that was ever really the case or if everyone of a certain age simply has some massive nostalgia goggles going on. For me though this version of Krave reminds me of what I thought Cookie Crisp was like and for that it earns a perfect 5 out of 5.
Pillsbury Peaches and Cream Cinnamon Rolls
A returning item from last spring, where it was lost in the haze of early pandemic shopping, is here to try and gain an audience. Can’t tell ya how stoked I was for these things. Peaches and Blueberries are my absolute downfall when it comes to fruit flavors so combining just one of them with sweat baked goods was bound to get me revved up.
First off the presentation is pretty solid. The package is undeniably springy though I wish the peach flavored cream was just a bit more obnoxiously colored. Taste wise these are just ok. There’s an underlining peach element, no doubt about it, but there’s just not enough to truly make it pop. This is only further compounded when you consider that Pilsbury is often just across the store from far better cinnamon rolls. Not bad but a little disappointing. Let’s say a 3 out of 5 for effort.
Peeps Cereal
While nowhere near a new item Peeps cereal has managed to elude me for the past couple years. In 2019 it vanished from local shelves in like a day while early 2020 provided little chance for proper snack hunting. After all this time there was nothing even close to expectations since I was just relieved to finally plop a box into my cart.
I’m aware there’s a large contingent of folks who hate Peeps marshmallows. I call these people sad lonely husks and maybe you’re one of them. The good news for you is that this cereal is hardly an accurate translation of the candy you hate so much. You might think that would piss me off but for what it lacks in proper Peep flavor it makes up for by tasting like a very good vanilla cake. There’s just something about whatever grain mixture they use that when combined with marshmallow flavor that adds up to cake. The only thing close to normal Peeps is the aftertaste though even that isn’t all that powerful. It may be mismarketed but it’s a decent cereal. Gonna be a bit generous and say 3 ¼ outta 5.
Rise Strawberry Melon Energy
For well over a decade Mtn Dew has had, let’s not say a problem, but at least an obsession with the energy drink market. At the same time so few of their attempts make much of an impression on me since it’s almost an inevitability that Monster or Rockstar will have something better on hand. You gotta admire their persistence though cause Dew is back at it with their new line of Rise energy drinks. There’s currently five or six flavors out there but I opted to start with Strawberry Melon as melons are a sadly overlooked flavor in American sodas.
Gotta give Dew some points for the packaging. Dunno what the fruity colored Lion King emblem is all about but it’s noticeable from afar and the colors are eye-catching. Both the smell and taste seemed remarkably lite. That’s because I didn’t know they were aiming for the low-sugar energy market with a whole can containing just 4 grams of sugar. This exact flavor however comes up middle of the road since there’s not enough of any one thing to really make it unique. It’s clean enough, doesn’t cause a sugar crash, just doesn’t have enough flavor or refreshing quality to stay with you. I’m giving this one a 2.5 out of 5 with a note that other flavors could obviously fare better.
Moa Burger Pringles
If there’s one thing I’ve actually loved about the past year it’s the awkwardness of poorly timed tie-in products. Remember way back in May when Wonder Woman was all-over bags of Dorittos? This newest wrinkle in time was meant to launch with the newest Halo game only it, like so many Xbox games, only exists in theory. OK I’m being cute but still it’s weird to see Halo chips when there hasn’t been a new game in how long? Plus the Moa Burger is a deep-enough cut that I’d completely lapsed on it. Even with such temporal tomfoolery the most interesting thing about this is the convoluted concept of taking a fictional burger and translating it into a real chip.
Before we talk about the flavor I’ve gotta get after the Pringles packaging department for just a moment. While they did include the Halo logo and pictures of the Emu-like Moa the packaging is nowhere near sci-fi enough. The result is far too many people thinking this is a legitimate food item and asking what the fuck a Moa burger is, prompting me to explain a pop-cultural reference I barely understand to begin with.
So how do they taste though? Peppery, very peppery. Sorta makes me think of what would happen if you topped an ostrich burger with spicy guacamole. I think Pringles made a mistake by making these ruffled however since they’re a bit too dry. Their regular approach would leave some more grease that would probably give this a nice summertime grill flavor. Not sure wat to give em as they’re somewhere between 2.5 and 3 out of five depending on your personal love for pepper heavy chips.
Kool-aid Topical Punch Cotton Candy
No idea how long Kool-aid has had their own cotton candy but I found this bag among an assortment of dollar store Easter goodies and man what a pick up. Think of the best cotton candy you’ve had, roll it around in Kool-aid powder, and ta-da! Instant magic. As a lifelong cotton candy maniac the only thing that bothers me about this stuff is that there’s apparently only this tropical punch flavor. Just imagine how well this could work combined with the likes of Sharkleberry Fin!
Already over the moon for this fluffy cloud of diabetes I found another reason to marvel when returning days later for another handful. Unlike most cotton candy this had neither shrunk down nor crystallized. It was just as fresh as was upon first opening the bag. Continuing to scarf down the sugary fluff I wonder who could possibly be responsible for such a majestic creation. While the item is credited to Hilco and Candyriffic, the same groups responsible for Kool-aid popping candy but the real thing to note is this is made in Mexico. Dunno what you guys are doing south of the boarder but keep it up. 4.5 out of 5.
Reese’s Marshmallow Top Peanut Butter Cups
Always reliable for something festive, Reese’s decided to launch a whole new variety this Easter that brought the wonders of marshmallows to the mix. Seeing as this is normal a great combo what could possibly go wrong? Well the problem is the “marshmallow top” tastes more like white fudge or the stuff used on yogurt pretzels more than it does Marshmallows. That total disconnect between concept and execution leads to a candy that’s ok-ish but pales in comparison to even it’s basic brethren. Reese’s failed us this time guy but it’s still alright tasting so it at least deserves a 2.5 out of 5.
Oh my god I finally finished this post. This has been one of the most notable and strange weeks in recent memory and now I’m looking at the prospect of actual work again. Granted it’s very much part time so I should be able to stay true to my goals for the blog this year. If you’ll allow me to forgo a spiffy outro then I’d much prefer to get this edited, posted, all to make room for what comes next.
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