With the shining veneer of possibility of a new year all our favorite junk-food dealers are rolling out the red carpet for hordes of new items. I suppose the hope is that vaccines and new government will bring about a return to the good old days of raiding convenience stores at 3 AM for the latest fix. I’m certainly game for such old-fashioned activities but even with our current stay-at-home lifestyle there’s still plenty of options for packing on the pounds resulting in today's massive slate of items to mark our first snack report of 2021. Seriously; there’s an obscene amount of stuff to talk about so let's dive right in.
Dunkaroos cereal
A cherished brand for glutinous children of the 90s, Dunkaroos have been returning and expanding within the past year (I think there’s even a yogurt version on the way). Can’t deny the original roos hold a special place in my clotted arteries. Few actions were quite as soothing as clearing out the remainder of frosting with a swirl of the finger and having no concern for how perverse you might look sucking on your pinky for the following two-minutes. Could a cereal ever hope to replicate such ecstasy?
Dunkaroos cereal is no substitute for the real deal. Instead it’s another entry into the arena of cookie breakfasts and, like many of the others, is something of a mixed bag. There’s very little smell save for a vague vanilla-ish sweetness. The texture veers ever so slightly into insulation territory but not so far as to be disgusting. The flavor itself is actually very lite. I mean it’s downright gentle and easy to whoof down. If anything it trends more towards sugar cookie with a shitload of sprinkles than it does hefty helpings of frosting. As a bonefide sprinkle junkie I appreciate that but as a translation of one snack into a new form it misses the mark. Still; I’d recommend it for those who want a more restrained sugary cereal or fellow sprinkle obsesses.
Java Chip Oreo
Oreo kicked off the year with not one, not two, but three new flavors all at once. Sadly yours truly cannot have one of them as hazelnuts lead to sweaty madness. Thankfully the other two are right up my alley, beginning with java chip. Pretty basic concept here with coffee flavored cream and lil chocolate bits so it looks like grounds. As a fan of all those things I have to say the execution is a little disappointing.
The smell isn’t half bad. Sort of a nice coffee aroma with a hint of artificial funk. That artificial element creeps in all the more on the flavor front though. As always I tackled these three different ways. Dry was easily the worst as the taste seemed almost dirty, closer to a coffee candle than coffee itself. Milk helped out a bit by cutting the strength but coffee dipping was the clear winner. By combining the fake and real coffee flavors you end up with something much better than the cookie itself. Not a great Oreo but an alright novelty. Let’s put it this way. In a house where new Oreo flavors often vanish within a day or two, these have been around for about five days. They’re being eaten but not at the usual pace. Mileage is gonna very for sure.
Brookie-o Oreo
Now these were the newsmakers of the new Oreo trio. A triple-stuff with three different creams brookie-o are really something to behold. The smell is fittingly overpowering, practically reeking of diabetes. The sheer vision of these massively loaded cookie monstrosities is an experience in itself. Can Oreo balance so many flavors though?
In a rare instance I think dry may be the optimal method for eating this particular cookie. Given the sheer amount of cream neither milk nor coffee can really take charge. And seeing as each weakens the cookies they actually offset the flavor balance. Even dry these aren’t a total knockout. I’d say they’re better than average but the cookie dough cream is too fake tasting and stronger than its neighbors. Not being a brookie-o person I can’t say whether this an accurate replication or not. What I can say is these are tasty, more so than Java Chip, but not totally up to the upper reaches of the Oreo realm. Overall I’d say they’re worthwhile.
Lay’s Game Day Chili Potato Chips
Thankfully somebody out there remembered to produce something for that unofficial holiday known as the superbowl. Admittedly football is a pretty wide topic to theme foodstuffs around but chili feels fitting. I’m a bit disappointed in the presentation. It’s the usual clear and clean Lay’s design but there’s just not enough thematic elements on display. Still; the eating experience is what really matters and these babies deliver on that front like crazy. Rather appropriately these taste nothing like classy homemade chili. No sir, this is the trashy canned stuff with just a lil too much onion powder. Best of all, despite the fiery red appearance, they’re spicy without being hot, a rare balance. Regardless of how you plan to spend super Sunday a bag of these should absolutely be part of the equation.
Mtn Dew Major Melon
Not to be outdone by the likes of Oreo, the folks at Dew created a major addition o their line-up, major melon that is. Much as I wish they would’ve taken the Japanese route and gone with cantaloupe or honeydew (how fitting would that be?) they opted for watermelon. The results are somehow both predictable and surprising. Predictable because the stuff tastes like liquefied jolly ranchers. The surprise pops in when you realize they managed to tone the flavor down just enough to keep it refreshing and palatable through the whole bottle. Never once do you get a gunky build-up or the feeling that this candy water is simply too much. A nice, solid soda all around. And honestly the neon coloring is just another notch in its favor. I don’t hold this in the same high regard as something like Frostbite but it has an edge over the likes of White Out and maybe even Voltage. Good stuff.
Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pie Cereal
Once in a while you see a product that creates a break in the clouds and urges angels to sing its praise. Suddenly the number one item on your bucket list is to buy that shit. Such was my revelatory feeling upon first seeing news about this cereal. The oatmeal crème pie is iconic for good reason, it’s fucking delicious. And while I’m not adverse to starting my day with snack cakes paired with coffee some of you out there prefer the illusion of a proper breakfast.
Something like this asks to be evaluated on two fronts. Not only must we consider the item itself but whether it successfully marks the transition of a snack to a new form. On the latter front these are mostly successful. It’s not an exact one to one but there’s enough of the familiar flavor to satisfy while still being unique. The flavor never veers too far into the oatmeal or crème directions and the texture is excellent both dry and in milk. Plus the powdered crème really adds something to the milk. Very pleased with these and hopeful that society is one step closer to Swiss Creme Roll cereal.
Ritz Cheese Crispers (Four Cheese & Herb flavor)
We’re moving back in time a little now towards some late-fall/early-winter fare. To start things off we’ve got the newest line of Ritz crackers that feel like their direct response to the snapped variety from cheez-it. Of course that’s like taking on Zeus so you can’t really blame Ritz if they fall a little short of the competition. In execution these feel like what any of those weird cheese crisps found at high-end stores wish they were. I’ve only had the four cheese & herb variety and they’re really satisfying. Got a good crunch, clean taste. I hope they stick around.
Nerds Gummy Clusters
Discovered these in the check-out aisle recently and was dammed if I’d let em slip under the radar. The concept is simple yet excessive. Take a gummy and surround it with Nerds candy. It’s a tart and oddly satisfying bit of edible Frankenstein science whose success rests with the gummy portion being just the right consistency to work with the crunchy coating. Honestly you can probably judge on sight alone if these are gonna be any good for you, some people simply don’t like the idea of freaky candy warts. If you’re ok with the idea then these are a decent way to spice up a night.
Coca-Cola Tic Tacs
Nothing says fresh breath quite like sugary cola and Tic Tac is here to prove it. Ok so the brand has been steadily moving away from their origins as tiny breath mints towards full-on candy but as a fan of the orange ones I don’t hold it against them. Much like the majority of these items these are ok, not sterling, just alright. They’ve got more of a generic cola taste, no need for the official coke license. There’s is an abundance of that carbonated candy element that sends these close to the root bear barrel camp.
Sugar Cookie and Fudge Brownie M&M’s
Two holiday offerings from M&M’s that honestly didn’t prove to be very memorable. Fudge brownie was decent if not all that different from just plan old chocolate. Sugar cookie was more unique but couldn’t hold up for longterm snacking. Neither were failures but I’d like to see the brand mix up seasonal flavors with more of their regular varieties like doing the fudge brownie with pretzel or peanut.
Sunny-D Liquid Center Gummies
Another of those surprise items that came home from the dollar store (along with a good stash of cheap movies). Knock-off gushers based around Sunny-D. In truth these are nowhere near as good as a proper Gusher but one of the two flavors is damn good. Strangely it’s not the orange one you’d normally associate with Sunny-D. That one’s just sorta meh. The strawberry ones on the other hand are awesome and worth the fairly low cost of admission. Now can we get some purple stuff gummies?
Phew! Can yall tell I was getting exhausted near the end? Too many new snacks is a good problem to have though, one that offsets the otherwise humdrum nature of January. Think I’ve actually exhausted my energy supplies just trying to tackle this lot. How about you all consult this post for your grocery list while I go take a nap.
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