Each and every summer I make an attempt at doing something productive with the stretch of long, hot days. Often I simply give up and vedge out in the air-conditioning but this year I've actually been something of a busy bee. Outside of the ever-present college workload there have been multiple family developments and now I'm in the midst of reorganizing my bedroom as I make the switch to a big ole desktop. In just a few short weeks things should be mighty different around the cosmicsparky bunker. All that activity requires fuel though and lady luck has blessed me with just enough special finds for a new snack report. Compared to the sort of bounty I'd bring home during pre-pandemic days this batch is downright tiny plus it is far more reliant on adult beverages than usual. Such simple pleasures are a rare joy in the phenomenally goofy times however so let's savor these newest treasures.
Kellogg's Tiger Paws
While navigating the new maze of one-directional aisles at my local store I came across a big display of new cereal themed snacks. There were three varieties in all, Corn Pops, Fruit Loops, and what seemed like the safest bet to me, Frosted Flakes Tiger Paws. I opted for only one box as each contained 12 smaller packets for about five bucks which landed Tony the Tiger's newest experiment in my pantry.
From a presentational perspective Tiger Paws are something of a mess. The outer packaging is typically bland modern design. The snacks themselves on the other hand are these white claws almost befitting of a Halloween snack. Nothing really gels together but at least you can pretend to be eating some sort of monster themed snack.
Upon initial smell these have more in common with Rice Krispy Treats than regular Frosted Flakes. The same is true of the flavor as these have more of a marshmallow tinge which I can honestly say I enjoy. Not so enjoyable however is the texture which is dry and a bit spongy feeling. It's yet another entry in the long history of insulation textured treats making it hard to fully endorse. Upon a second bag I am starting to like them a little more but for the average person these are likely middle-of-the-road fare so let's give it a rating of 2.5.
Leinenkugels Spritzen variety pack
Up to this point in time I have totally avoided the strange rise of alcoholic seltzer water. Frankly the whole concept sounded disgusting. As a born and bread northern lad it's impossible to resist the allure of new Leinenkugels products so their attempt at seltzer drinks was my breaking point. What they've done here is combine the popularity of boozy seltzer with their line of shandies. Current availability is in a three-flavor variety pack consisting or raspberry-lemon, strawberry-pinapple, and grapefruit.
Looking at the box and cans provides the usual Leinie's feeling. There's a glossy portrait of woods and lakes, a sort of ideal drinking environment. Points to the deceptive nature of these tall and skinny cans as they trick you into thinking there's far less to drink than their actually is.
Thanks to the seltzer each flavor is very muted with pineapple being the strongest. Definitely not a drink for when you're craving big flavors but Christ almighty are these ever refreshing! Even a half-frozen sports drink can barely match the unbridled refreshment from a single can of this stuff. The alcohol content is just low enough to ensure a smooth and mellow mood with minimal bloat making these a solid choice for summertime porch drinking. Just pretend you're Fred Gwynne from Pet Semetery only with less adherence to traditional masculinity. Gotta give these a 4 out of 5.
Hostess Unicorn Cupcakes
Some family members bought these for me as I was apparently in a foul mood and they understood the influence snack cakes have over my ability to feel joy. Admittedly I have zero understanding of the influx of unicorn and mermaid themed items that have seeped into the food aisles over the past few years. If we're just doing silly things the internet finds nifty then why not Corgi cakes? It'd make sense with being small and full of fat but I digress.
Presentation wise these are loud to say the least, both the box and the cupcakes themselves. Everything's bright and chipper, downright comical. Can't see anyone taking issue with something this inherently over-the-top.
The flavor and scent are pure fatty chemical bliss. Nothing about these seems natural and I'd swear there's a larger amount of cream filling than in the average cupcake. At the same time there's nothing special in regards to flavoring or ingredients so this isn't all that special save for the sheer indulgence factor and accompanying sprinkles. I'll give em a 3 outta 5.
Lucky Charms Honey Clovers
Lucky Charms is one of those rare brands that I immediately take note of whenever they announce a new product. This comes down to the quality of execution more than anything as recent expansions like the wintry Vanilla Cinnamon or Fruity Lucky Charms have been downright glorious. Likely due to current events this newest incarnation took a small eternity to appear on local shelves. Question is whether it was worth the wait.
Let's Start with the packaging... is fuck ugly too cruel of an appraisal? This brand isn't known for awe-inspiring artwork but they usually get by thanks to solid color choices for the boxes. This diabetic piss color is just unappetizing though, I must admit, it does stand our on the shelf.
Given the title I assumed these were an attempt to blend Charms with something closer to Honey Nut Cheerios which didn't sound all that great honestly. The small didn't help as it just came across as generic breakfast fare. Strangely the results are more like Kix with marshmallows, only not as good. It's tough to explain but in essence these new cereal bits are too sweet to maintain the delicate balance of traditional Charms yet they lack the overpowering sugary goodness of their Fruity cousin. Their texture is just a bit too dry and insulation-esque. Everything about the cereal works against itself and yet it's not all terrible, just sorta pointless.
Golden Clovers seem destined to be an odd footnote in Lucky Charms history. I wouldn't actively discourage anyone from trying them yet I can't imagine someone being all that impressed by the experience. Let's put it this way, my brother forgot he'd tried them within less than 24 hours. Points wise I'd say it's a 2 outta 5.
Roku Gin
For the past few years I've been enamored with the outstanding quality of Japanese Whiskey. Such a statement might sound sacrilegious to hipster devotees of the drink but the country really has a grasp on how to make excellently balanced booze. Life had not been so kind as to offer the chance of experiencing Japan's take on any of the other classic alcohols until a nearby store got in something special, Roku Gin.
If you're a fan of presentation for your booze then Roku easily earns a few points from their lovely bottle and label. The various sides of the battle actually have raised outlines of the different ingredients used to spice up this particular variety of gin. My sister mentioned the idea of painting these segments, which could make for a nifty display piece.
Popping the top unleashes a gin scent that is both familiar but with an air of freshness. Rather than import traditional gin spices this stuff is flavored with items more common to Japan such as sakura flowers, yuzu, and sansho pepper. The taste is likewise bright and poppy. It's got so many of the best elements of gin while maintaining a unique flavor of its own. It's a lovely liquid and fairly priced around the thirty dollar mark and goes down smooth all by itself. Can't imagine how tasty it could be with a bit of limeade or used in an aviation cocktail. For those of age with the means I'd give this a perfect 5 star rating.
Trader Joe's Neapolitan Joe Joe's
Despite my reputation as a chubby lover of all junk food I must admit my experience with Trader Joes is limited. The nearest location is quite far and not in a commonly visited city for that matter so I generally shrug off any news of new products from the brand. Little did I expect that my diabetic sister would attempt to live vicariously through others by bringing home a platter of various Joe treats. Most fit fairly generic snack types with varying degrees of quality. The chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels were quite nice, the lobster gummies suffered from horrible texture but there was one item unique enough to blog about. Joe Joe's are that stores take on the Oreo/Hydrox domain which is nothing new but Neapolitan flavor, now that's interesting.
The unicorn cakes seem downright restrained in the packaging choices compared to these. It's like one of those hippy freakout nightmare paintings one usually associates with the Beatles. There's just so many questions like what are the benefits of a cookie monocle?
The smell contains elements of all three flavors with strawberry being the most notable. Fitting as this carries over to the flavor. The vanilla and chocolate cookies play their part but there's so much strawberry crème that it pretty much takes over. Honestly I don't mind seeing as the flavor is very bright and satisfying. To top it all off the whole thing is quite moist, to the point that dipping in milk or coffee is pretty much pointless. The downside to this moisture if how these went stall a good deal quicker than Oreo ever would. Even so these are a worthwhile pick-up for those of you near a Trader Joes, though not something worthy of a road trip. Let's give em 3.5 in total.
So there we have it, another batch of tasty snacks to help us cope with this otherwise wretched year. I must beg your leave now as there's plenty of room cleaning to do and Return of Ultraman to watch. Currently aiming for two posts in the coming week, another on Amityville feature and maybe a new ongoing, just depends. There's roughly one month left of this pathetic summer and then we reach the four best months of the year so just stick with me and I'll try to give you guys the goods.
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