A Tribute to Cinematic Turkeys

Back in the early years of this decade I had started to make strides towards improving my household Thanksgiving traditions. This push on my part was to counteract the slow slide in quality the holiday had been on since the late 1990s. Over time I created all manner of practices like indulging in booze gift sets, cooking a debilitating batch of mac and cheese, and treating the family to cinematic turkeys. Can't recall the exact start of that last tradition though I can trace it back to at least 2013. With this Thanksgiving marking the last for the decade I decided to use every Thursday to go back and revisit some golden turds. And in preparation I have constructed a tower of terrible, or turkey totem if you will, to guide future viewing habits. So today I thought it best to share some tips and highlight some of the finest bad movies ever filmed so that any of you out there could start your own take on this tradition on solid footing.

It's the damnedest thing but it seems like every other day I remember another title that belongs on this shelf. While taking these photos it occurred that Ninja III was missing and the Andy Sidaris collection is still downstairs. Then there are such deep questions one asks such as why the hell do I not own Cool as Ice? Part of that forgetfulness comes from how much this small collection has grown over the years. Searching out these titles comes with a price however as for every Miami Connection there's at least a dozen Creatures From the Abyss to make you question your life choices. Still; much like a deep-sea diver I return to these dark depths again and again in search of treasure because the rewards are so worth it.

On the top level are some key offerings from two of the greatest bad movie stars known to man, Reb Brown and Lou Ferrigno who stand guard over this years double-feature. The plan to disrupt my holiday digestion this time around includes the cheap action flick, Hollywood Cop along with a terrifically terrible looking dance film with the unfortunate title Dancin' It's On! Both of these have been on my radar for years now and it felt like the closing of a decade was the perfect opportunity to tie up loose ends. Plus the double-feature model offers safety should one film prove underwhelming. As for the featured oldies, let's tackle them one shelf at a time.

The right side of this level belongs to Reb Brown with two of his finest stinkers. Howling 2: Your Sister is a Werewolf (aka Stirba, Werewolf Bitch) is perfect four a rowdy crowd who live for boobs and blood. Honestly the movie has a few spots that are a bit annoying but it always returns to the charm of Reb and Christopher Lee and has some bizarre editing to keep it all it all lively. Barely having anything to do with the original film, this follows the brother of Dee Wallace's character from part one as he teams with an old monster hunter and a spunky reporter only to travel to eastern Europe and battle the queen of werewolves. Along the way we're treated to new wave club scenes and confusing werewolf porn.

Reb Brown also stars in a more crowd-pleasing effort called Yor, The Hunter From the Future. And yes that title is a spoiler in itself as this is a futuristic caveman flick cut down from an Italian mini-series. While it's only occasionally laugh-out-loud funny the overall atmosphere is so utterly silly as to leave the audience with a constant smile. Throw in the occasional highlights like dinosaur hang-gliding and action-figure stuntmen and the whole experience is pure bad movie bliss. I still remember the discovery of this one as I was trying to sleep only for it come on TV and keep me glued to the screen till the wee hours of the morning.

The left side swerves into Ferrigno territory starting with Hercules which, my god, it's just everything right in this world. No matter what you like to laugh at be it lousy special-effects, poor acting, sloppy dubbing, nonsensical storytelling, ludicrous costumes, it's all here in a psychedelic sci-fi/fantasy mash-up of the classic Hercules legend. On the flip side the musical score from Pino Donaggio is actually pretty awesome. This is another outstanding pick for damn near any crowd but don't expect that same level of fun from the sequel, Adventures of Hercules, as it suffers from long dull stretches.

Finally we have one of the hidden gems of my horde featuring both actors in their prime, Cage. In it the two star as Vietnam war buddies who live together ever since Ferrigno was rendered mentally handicapped due to being shot in the head while protecting Reb. The pair live together until two down on their luck gangsters kidnap Lou and, I shit you not, trick him into fighting in underground cage matches. From a sappy opening to a crazy ending with so many wondrous scenes in-between this is a true treat. Personal favorite sequence is when Reb goes after a local gang armed with a shotgun and his patterned rage scream.

Level 2 belongs to manly deeds which means action and sports films along with a free-spirit life on the road sort of flick.

Beginning on the left we have Hulk Hogan's WWF produced wrestling classic, No Holds Barred with the hulkamaniac staring as Rip. Rip is at the top of his game when a crude new television executive, who loves calling him “jock-ass”, starts to mess with his life culminating in a rivalry with a crazed wrestling monster named Zeus. The general feel of this one is that of a hyperactive movie for children that just so happens to be too sleazy for the intended audience which is what makes it such a prime turkey. One moment Rip is encouraging kids to stay in school and then he's literally scaring the shit out of people.

Samurai Cop is a true gem for any bad movie buff. In it a cop who is an expert in the world of Japanese crime is brought into a California police force to help them battle the yakuza whose biggest badass is played by Robert Z'Dar. From production quality and acting, to piss poor action and cheap wigs, every moment of this film is something baffling to behold. Plus it never ceases to amaze that this Japanese expert can't speak a word of the language to save his life.

George Romaro's Knightriders is objectively probably the best film on this whole display though that honor doesn't save it from being a gonzo turkey. The story concerns the leader of a traveling motorcycle jousting troop (Ed Harris) who must contend with a challenge to his leadership from a fellow jouster (Tom Savini) who wants to commercialize their act. Tangled up in this battle of wills are a magic Indian, corrupt southern cops, and even Stephen & Tabitha King. It's so terribly earnest while being ridiculous and goes on for two-and-a-half hours. I'd recommend this one for the hardcore crowd who crave something deeper but still want that edge of stupidity.

Deadly Prey is yet another titan of celluloid garbage in the great tradition of action classics like Rambo or Commando. Ted Prior stars as a Vietnam vet who's captured by a former commander and hunted for sport, all of which is just an excuse for a steady stream of sloppy action sequences. This is just pure distilled fun with a massive body-count that will entertain even the most stoic of viewers.

Level 3 is home to epics. Not so much in size or scale so much as the overwhelming results of viewing them. These are the sort of bad movies that either leave you feeling battered & bruised or totally energized.

Never Too Young to Die isn't what one would traditionally call fun entertainment. If anything the film is pure excrement scarped from the inside of a truck-stop toilet. The core outline is about college gymnast Lance Stargrove, played by John Stamos, who must avenge the death of his father who turns out to be a secret agent. The one responsible for this family tragedy is Velvet Von Ragnar, a hermaphroditic underground shock rocker terrorist, played by KISS member Gene Simmons, who leads an army of whacked out Road Warrior rejects. This attempt at a young and hip James Bond is profoundly trashy and more than a little socially backwards making it a potentially poor choice for viewing with your more woke friends. The laughs in this film aren't really all that frequent but it's the sheer dumpster fire absurdity of the whole thing that washes over you and either sends you into giggles or drives you mad. The best possible outcome is getting the giggles from watching someone else go mad.

Birdemic as a franchise is something of a miracle. The first film easily ranks alongside the likes of The Room for that perfect combination of utter incompetence and pure enthusiasm. A romantic thriller about birds attacking mankind as revenge for environmental issues offers the worst special-effects and technical merits around. When combined with a terrible script and dizzying performances from every member of the cast this becomes something quite special. Under normal circumstances the sequel would fail to live up to the original cocktail yet somehow the director manages to overshoot the mark at recreating his sucess so far that he loops back around and actually succeeds through failure.

Miami Connection may in fact be the greatest bad movie of all time. Let's just consider the plotline for a moment. A group of tae-kwan-do practicing orphan friends/bandmates in college run afoul of several threats like a competing band and a gang lead by one of their girlfriends brothers which all lead back to a drug-dealing gang of ninja and one friends search for his absent father. Did I manage to make any sense out of that? There are musical numbers, beach hangout montages, and scores of dead ninja. The dialogue is rubbish, the tunes are silly, the acting unbelievable, it's all pure gold. If you could only ever watch one turkey, this is a damn fine choice.

Easily the biggest name feature in this tribute, Showgirls doesn't fail to live up to its reputation. It's like the Rocky series mixed with the bible and blended with pure trash to produce a utterly captivating bad movie milkshake. I've only view it a single time but that experience was so memorable and enduring that Showgirls might be one of my favorite films ever made. No expense was spared in creating this perfect gleaming turd and I urge anyone with an interest to add it to their collection.

The bottom floor is home to goofy genre fare along with a growing pile of titles that are slowly remembered over time. Speaking of which; I forgot Black Belt Jones and Troll 2!

Night Train to Terror embodies the saying of when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When producers had several unfinished or unreasonable horror flicks laying around they decided to film a couple new scenes and turn everything into a horror anthology framed by god, the devil, and a bunch of dancers looking for their big break. It's exactly as good you'd expect from a film made entirely of leftovers.

Roar is nearly a snuff film that just so happened to be made with the best intentions in mind. With the concept of making a movie to showcase how big wild cats aren't really dangerous, Tippi Hedren and her family get mauled on camera for close to two-hours. If you ever wanted family viewing with real life head injuries this is the turkey for you.

Despite the expansion of bad movie fandom Starcrash seems be frequently forgotten. It's a crying shame quite honestly as this is another one of those well-balanced crowd-pleasers that offers something for everyone to laugh at. Directed by the same wonderful nut as Ferrigno's Hercules, Starcrash is a brightly colored Star Wars knockoff that bounces from one wild set-piece to another. There are cavemen, amazon warriors, cowboy robots, and David Hasslehoff, it's all here! Revisited this one the other night and it won over everyone in the room.

I've covered Flesheater in the past and as you can see in the photo there's fine stash of flicks like Breakin 2, American Ninja, and many other to choose from but there is a hidden treasure on this shelf. Behind Starcrash is a four-film collection featuring one of the unsung achievements of poor filmmaking. I'm talking about Norman Mailer's crime drama, and unintentional comedy classic, Tough Guys Don't Dance. I won't even bother to describe the story but merely offer the promise that those with the bravery to watch, and endure the slow opening half-hour, will be rewarded with something magically delicious.

And there is my brief guide to the world of shit cinema along with my tribute to this fine holiday tradition. I will continue to hunt down these movies for years to come, and may have found a new one tonight with the discovery of Karate Christmas Miracle. I'd love to hear about other outstanding bad film experiences from all of you out there and I hope you've found something during this article to fuel your next social gathering.