As a collector of horror films the
months of August through October are both heaven for my materialistic
tendencies and murder on my finances. Every year companies big and
small unleash a crop of horror titles ranging from the latest hotness
to old classics, and all sorts of weirdness in-between. In recent
Halloween seasons I’ve enjoyed pointing out some of the more
affordable under the radar titles to come out of these stampedes. In
2018 that honor went to the delightful Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum
which proved to not only be a blast to view but a decently priced
prize at only fifteen bucks on release day. This season the honor is
bestowed to a somewhat obscure piece of 80s terror known as The
New Kids. Come along and I’ll not only share with you why this
movie is so much fun but how you can be the cool cat of your next
movie get-together for a scant ten bucks.
Released in 1985 The New Kids
hails from the minds of director, Sean S Cunningham of Friday the
13th fame alongside writer, Stephen
Gyllenhaal. Yes that’s the father of Jake and Maggie so if
it helps to hold your interest just pretend this was written by
Mysterio’s dad. The cast is a bizarre sampling featuring the likes
of Tom Atkins and his magnificent mustache, Lori Loughlin and her
helmet Hair, and even Eric Stolz. The biggest draw though is a very
young James Spader as the antagonist of the picture. I'll talk about
him in greater detail but first let's touch on the plot.
Much as I will try to avoid major
spoilers some are evident right on the case or IMDB description,
namely the set-up. A teenage brother & sister pair, Loren and
Abby are orphaned and move in with their aunt and uncle in south
Florida. The uncle is a bit of a dreamer and is currently in the
midst of trying to fix up a North Pole themed roadside amusement
park. The kids begin to settle in as they both meet prospective love
interests though they also wonder if their uncle is taking advantage
of their inheritance to keep himself afloat. Their new home becomes a
much nastier place when local drug-dealing nearly-albino gang leader
Dutra, along with his underlings, takes an unhealthy interest in
Abby. From that point on the audience is witness to the escalating
feud between the siblings and the gang.
As for the characters... well our
leads are fairly basic individuals with their most defining element
being the training their military father imparted onto them. This
makes it so they're not total victims as they can actually put up a
fight against their aggressors. Speaking of those villains though,
that's where this movie begins to shine. James Spader is always
entertaining but as a wildly violent southern boy who dresses like a
perverted cowboy he's practically divine. From his nutty dialogue to
the way he abuses his underlings every scene he's in takes the movie
up another notch. Think of him like the training wheels version of
Frank Booth from Blue Velvet. Dutra and his toadies take
matters to surprising depths of debauchery as the movie progresses.
There's a sequence where they've taken Abby out to a field and you
think they're going to do the obvious horrible thing only for them to
do a totally different horrible thing, don't want to spoil that bit
for ya. Just know that this is a movie you watch for the villains and
the eventual fate that's waiting for them.
Something that’s both a strength and
weakness for the film is the setting. On one hand it’s solid 80s
horror flick which always fits in well around Halloween time,
especially once you add in the dilapidated amusement park. Then you
theme that park around Santa Clause making this a potential yuletide
film. But then have everything happen in hot & nasty Florida
which lends the production a summertime vibe as well. A lot of
different notes are being hit all at once which makes for a lot of
variety. Only issue is that if you're looking for to scratch a
specific itch then this won't take care of that for you.
That same mix of settings also applies
to the films tone. In pure 80s fashion this isn't an easy sell as
it's a bit of several genres. The first half-hour or so could be a
strict drama before moving into thriller territory and finally a
conclusion that's part horror and part Charles Bronson style revenge
flick. Even the soundtrack veers wildly between sinister, upbeat, and
inspiring pop songs. It's all a bit manic depressive yet that's where
so much of the fun comes from. You're not likely to be bored viewing
this little treat as it shifts from one mood to the next.
Much as I can go on about the wild and
fun nature of the film there are plenty of issues throughout. For one
there's a hefty helping of cheese. At the same time most of the
emotional beats are sort of glossed over. I mean these kids lose
their parents yet I've seen people get more emotional over a sick
pet. Plus that ever-shifting tone while very fun makes for moments of
severe whiplash as it goes from lighthearted to sad and then
threatening in record speed. This isn't outstanding classic cinema.
What we have here is both imperfect but totally upfront with its
audience. It may not be incredibly deep but it never pretends to be
more than sleazy fun.
The blu-ray release from budget label
Mill Creek Entertainment is basic but very satisfactory. The image
and audio much like the film itself aren't groundbreaking but
everything is crisp and clear. Being part of the company's retro
release line the outer sleeve is made to resemble the old VHS
packaging with appropriately different spines and all. That packaging
makes this a fine display item for any mood table. Don't believe
there are any special features but that's what helps to keep the
price around ten bucks online.
Any good movie night deserves a fine
snack and since the film itself doesn't adhere to consistency neither
will we. So I'm going to pair this deep-south set flick with a
northern flavor courtesy of new Maple Creme Oreo cookies. News of
these sent this maple loving madman into a tizzy and the local
Wal-Mart was decent enough to stock them early.
Now I've been informed that there are
somehow people out there who don't like maple, how do you live like
that? I can tell those folks that these cookies aren't going to work
any better for ya. Case in point my maple hating brother took one
down but did not care for it. However; for those of us who adore
sickly sweet tree blood these are just wonderful. The flavor is
prominent while maintaining a light and brisk sensation. One very odd
aspect is that many of the cookies actually have crystallized bits of
maple sugar in the creme which makes them seem totally legit even if
sugar crystals are a bit surprising.
As for the three method eating test
for Oreo the results are as follows. Devoured dry the cookies are
alright, not amazing but a decent enough sweet snack. Eating them
with milk is much better with the liquid helping to enhance and
smooth out the flavor considerably. Without a doubt the best way to
consume this particular cookie is dunked in coffee where the dark
bitterness of the drink mixes perfectly with the sweet maple just
like a classic lumberjack breakfast.
And that's all for tonight kiddies. My
town is hosting their last big festival this weekend which round
these parts marks the true end of summertime. It also marks a good
occasion to go yard-sailing or to pick up new soy candles at the
craft show. No matter how it's spent this weekend marks a key moment
in the progression towards Halloween so I plan to fully enjoy it. May
you all find fun things to do with your time and maybe pick up
tonight's items for a good bit of R&R.
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