You ever seen one
of those movies where an alien pretends to be human only to fail at
everything from communication to basic manners? Or have you met
someone in real-life who acts very much the same? Maybe they have a
strange way of showing affection or like to remind you how we're all
human as if anyone would forget such a thing. After reading yet
another Stars Wars novel I'm almost convinced that author
Elizabeth Wein is in fact some kind of reptilian from beyond the moon
who only learned about human interaction via reruns of 7th
Heaven.
Before I get into
a full conspiracy theory about how the Star Wars story group
has been infiltrated by visitors with boundary issues, I should
probably tell you about today's book. Cobalt Squadron is a
lead-in to The Last Jedi focused on the Tico sisters Rose and
Paige on a mission to help a small band of resistance fighters.
Right out the gate
story-progression is this books biggest strength. Unlike many of the
other new cannon novels there are no weird side-trips, time jumps, or
anything that takes away from the main plot at hand. That being said,
this is hardly a complex or unpredictable story. Everything sort of
happens as expected right down to when hardship strikes and is
overcome. It begins with the girls on a recon mission investigating
twin-planets that may be secretly under oppression from the First
Order. During this mission a pair of refugees crash onto their ship
seeking aid. Not only is the order taking advantage of these planets,
they're basically carrying out genocide by blocking one worlds access
to clean water. Both Cobalt and Crimson bomber squadrons find
themselves tasked with making supply drops to the local resistance
while gathering proof of First Order activities for Leia to present
to the New Republic. Usually I try to avoid spoilers, but that's
pretty much the whole book right there.
Seeing as the
story isn't all that special, maybe the book can make up for it by
developing the Tico sisters beyond what we've seen on film. Given
Paige's very short amount of screen time there should be plenty for
us to learn... right? Sadly there's nothing much gained from reading
about this pair as the writing really lets them down. In large part
it's because the interactions are so weird. Their dialogue exchanges
seem more appropriate for co-workers who barely know each-other.
Let's just grab something random from the first chapter.
“You're breathing
hard” Paige said
“That's because
I've been getting some exercise,” Rose said breezily. “That long
climb past the bomb racks is as good as a workout.”
First off, who
just announces that you're breathing hard? Wouldn't it be more
natural to show some kind of concern by simply asking if they're ok
and maybe explain the question in further detail if required? For the
other person to then explain the physical labor of climbing the
ladders within their ship when the other person does exactly that
dozens of times everyday is all the stranger. This is supposed to be
a cover for Rose's fear yet within the same conversation she gives us
even more of this oddly specific dialogue. At one point Paige
sympathetically talks about how creepy it can be to climb past the
bombs, Rose's response? “Definitely creepy. Even when they're not
full of bombs.” Why would it be creepy when it's not bombs?
Wouldn't Paige already know the current payload isn't explosive? If
Rose was exclaiming this as a sign of how childish her fears were
that might be something but it's just flat, monotone speech that
provides us with information already available through the narration.
It's a constant stream of bad screenplay dialogue.
To make things
even more creepy, the girls frequently have these robotic
conversations while cuddling or spooning. They're constantly holding
hands, sitting on the others lap, and locking eyes yet they speak as
if they're strangers. It is so goddamn weird! They're not the only
victims of this problem. Take for example this delightfully stunted
bit of writing.
“I am surprised,”
Fossil commented. “You are usually one who obeys commands, yet now,
when called upon for support, you criticize another's skill. You have
trained the other flight engineers. You can train your bombardier.
You know this. What is your real objection?”
That is an actual
paragraph from the book right down to the punctuation. And while you
might think it's origin in official meeting from an alien commander
has some influence over the robotic tone, I assure you that everyone
in the book talks like this, only with varying amounts of emotion.
It's like watching a computer struggle to learn human speech-patterns
only to then lean in for a kiss.
But do we actually
learn anything about these girls? Paige is really into animals,
especially those big dogs from Canto Bight. As for Rose... let's put
it this way, if you didn't like her in the movie, this will only
further cement your opinion. It's a shame since the ending of this
book could have had some real emotional weight if only anything up to
that point had been decently written.
Heading over to
the rankings I'm a little unsure of what position this book deserves.
Absolutely it's one of the worst books we've covered in this feature,
but it's hard to pinpoint exactly how it ranks among the other
low-hanging fruit. Given how well the story flows and that it has a
decent ending, I'll spare it from being at the very bottom.
1. Lost Stars by
Claudia Gray
2. New Dawn by
John Jackson Miller
3. Bloodline by
Claudia Gray
4. Guardians of
the Whills by Greg Rucka
5.
Ashoka by E.K.
Johnston
6. Tarkin by
James Luceno
7. Thrawn by
Timothy Zahn
8. Battlefont
Twilight Company by Alexander Freed
9. Moving Target
by Cecil Castelluci and Jason Fry
10. Before the
Awakening by Greg Rucka
11. The Legends
of Luke Skywalker by Ken Liu
12. Catalyst
by James Luceno
13. Aftermath:
Life Debt by Chuck Wendig
14. Smuggler's
Run by Greg Rucka
15. Heir to the
Jedi by Kevin Hearne
16. Lords of the
Sith by Paul S. Kemp
17. Cobalt
Squadron by Elizabeth Wein
18. Aftermath
by Chuck Wendig
19. The Weapon
of a Jedi by Jason Fry
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