Monday, October 19, 2015

The Berenstain Bears: Trick or Treat

Sorry for being gone this past week folks, it's been a tough one. Monday afternoon kickstarted a whole bout of stomach bug nonsense bad enough to get me puking, a mercifully rare event. As you might imagine I accomplished almost nothing over the week. Didn't even leave the house until Friday night and even that left me a lil exhausted. Saturday finally marked a proper return to the land of the living as I was able to go out for plenty of hours and had almost normal people poops again (hooray!). This mean I've got some major catching up to do if I actually want to fit in all the topics I wanted to cover before the big day gets here. Let's dive straight into this month's Berenstain Bears book as those fuzzy fools go Trick or Treat. Oh, but let me pee and fuel up with a twinkee first.

Alright, back and refreshed with twinkee goodness. The pumpkin spice ones are delicious by the way. Our story begins with Mama walking home from the store and taking in the sights & smells of autumn. Indoors, Brother and Sister try out their Halloween costumes. Sis has opted for a classic female stereotype in the guise of a ballerina. Brother picked generic monster, though it looks remarkably close to a devil for such christiany books. Being the turd that he is, Brother attempts to scare his mother who pretends to be frightened before teaching her kids the adage of appearances can be deceiving. I smell a lesson coming our way. It's ok though cause Papa's still a dick.

The topic of the day is how the kids are going trick or treeting without adults this year. Of course there's a laundry list of rules like staying within the neighborhood and not eating candy until returning home to inspect it. Interesting fact: all proven cases of candy tempering have been committed by someone close to the child. That's right, kids. Fear the ones who love you. The conversation finished at last, Papa lights the jack o'lantern in a drawing I simply can't resist showcasing thanks to my obscene love of lanterns.

The following morning finds the kids planing their route for optimal candy gathering. There are plenty of stops to be made with one notable exception. The nearby home of Miz McGrizz whom Brother proclaims to be a witch like that's an everyday thing. Mama commences her moralizing post haste and informs her children that the old woman is perfectly nice. Soon enough, the other kids arrive and it's off into the night for some proper treat collection. Their happy march doesn't go far before getting sidelined by Too-Tall Grizzly. As I recall, he was the standard issue bully of the series which is understandable as his given name is a perfect title for his future in the bear mafia.

Too-Tall and his crew of flunkies recruit our kids to “put the trick back in trick or treat.” To that end, everyone slinks over to crooked lane where the gang plans to TP Miz McGrizz's house. They also plan a few other pranks like coating her broomstick in honey so she'll stick to it while in flight. I'd give em points for ingenuity if I wasn't so creeped out by the strange sexual overtones of their pranks. Nothing happens before the old lady opens the door to announce “I'm ready for you.” A statement that would've carried more weight had she been wielding a butcher knife at the time.

Turns out the witch....err, nice old lady just wants to invite all the kids inside to give them nice candy apples. Does anyone else find it odd that for all the rules the kids had to follow, entering other people's homes wasn't off limits? Having apparently learned their lesson, the kids continue on their way. Oh and I guess Too-Tall gives up pranks for the night. Those candy apples were just that good.

The next morning finds the kids enjoying their candy haul. When papa asks where the apples came from, he's surprised they trace back to the old grouch down the lane. Sister repeats how appearances can be deceiving to which Papa walks away to read his paper with a look of “what the fuck ever.” Love that guy.

With my strength returned, I'll be trying my utmost to get at least three or so updates done by Halloween. In the meantime, I hope everybody's enjoying the season. Go have some hot drinks, cold walks, and visit some place spooky. See ya soon.

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