The Road to Onslaught: First Sign Part 2

 

    Over the years of writing this blog there’s a few posts and series that stand out as favorites,s almost embodiment of why I do this to begin with. One such cherished time was way back in 2015-2016 when I covered the delightfully silly, and often confounding Marvel Comic’s saga known as The Crossing. This particular event proved very controversial in its own time and was eventually retooled within continuity and goes largely unmentioned. Honestly it makes sense as the whole thing reeks of edgy 1990’s attempts at making things more cool and marketable such as replacing Tony Stark, who turns into a murderous villain, with a time-displaced teen-aged version of himself, or turning the wasp into an actual giant bug lady. It was sloppy, inconsistent, full of holes, and an absolute blast to review.

    Truth is, The Crossing was always preamble for me, a stepping stone towards something greater. Problem was a lack of resources and the grim realities of product availability made moving on to that bigger fish a non-starter. Since the early 2000’s I’ve wanted to read another hated Marvel crossover event, one that rivals the crossing in size and scope. Of course I speak of Onslaught.

    When I lest touched on this topic was midways through a collection called First Sign which held together the main threads of Avengers, Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America as they transitioned from one massive event to the next. It wa right in the midst of that when I realized there was no reasonable way for me to continue on to Onslaught, even worse if I wanted to delve further into the Heroes Reborn era. And so the recurring series drifted away. As a strange man once said, life… finds a way, and as I’m writing this the complete Onslaught is likely a day from reaching my doorstep. If there’s ever been a time to pick up that torch and get back on the march now is it.

    So where were we? While I’d advise those with the time to go back through all the old posts I realize few of us have such luxuries. In the meantime I’ll fall back on my recap from the original First Sign posting. “Tony Stark turned out to be a toady for time-traveling villains. He killed a few people and eventually sacrificed himself in a last ditch effort at redemption, leaving his time-displaced teenage self to pick up the pieces. Another villain, Madam Masque seemed to turn over a new lief and joined the Avengers while Wasp was actually transformed into a bug-person because we all remember how big kids were into the works of Cronenberg in the 90's, right? In other books at the time Captain America returned from some situation that caused people to think he was dead, Thor lost all his godly powers, and west coast team, Force Works disbanded.” Might as well throw in the addition that War Machine also finished a strange period in which he donned an alien armor called Eidolon War Ware.

    As for the First Sign era there were a combination of odd elements like Sharon Carter returning from the dead, Thor losing his godly powers followed by him hooking up with Enchantress. And young Tony Stark starting college where he discovered one of his teachers to be his former flame all grown up. it should be noted that this isn’t the entire story leading into Onslaught. There’s actually a number of issues of various X-Men books leading up to this event as well which are covered in multiple paperbacks. My hope is they one day collect all of that into a giant omni so we can return to this era again down the line. All that preamble outta the way I think we can finally dive back into this ponderous period in comics history.

Avengers #397

    If ever there was a comic that embodied the essence of spring cleaning it would be Avengers #397. This is nothing more than arranging pieces, and rushing the completion of different plot threads. Some of it picks up with Hawkeye and Scarlet Witch playing survivalist in the Grand Canyon against a bunch of rabid army thugs. Another segment involves the aftermath of a battle between Hulk and Thor that resulted in the latter getting his godly powers back. Big blondy along with a gaggle of Avengers pick up some green people from an underground society before going globe-trotting to intercept bio-bombs or some such silliness.

    Boy I’d love to provide some witty commentary on this one but yikes, what a snoozer. Each plot is dumped by issues end, confirming it all as a sloppy ruse to get the band together. What an odd assortment it is too. Most of the assembled crew are classic avengers just in lesser variations. Wasp is still a giant bug lady, Thor is in full shirtless 90s mode, and the writers seem to have zero clue what to do with Vision. The specialty members are less than inspiring. On one end you’ve got Swordsman who barely makes his presence known. Then there’s Madam Masque, who I believe was later rewritten as not being Madam Masque (like a clone or something). Hercules and Deathcry are around here somewhere but don’t you fret, they’ll soon be forgotten. At least this thing wraps up all this fluff in a single issue so we can move on to something else.

    There are two elements that got me back in the spirit of my old Crossing reviews, the combo of wildly over-the-top facial expressions and ass shots. Neither phenomenon is strictly bound to this time-period but man was this ever an era in which both features hit with full force.

Iron Man #327

    Now this is more like it. Can’t hide that I am eternally fascinated by the blip of time that was teen Tony’s tenure. This issue showcases the trouble the editorial staff had in committing to this new version of the lead character via a disconnect between his new adventures and the old supporting cast which is beautifully illustrated by the opening of this issue.

    Our story kicks off with the reading of old Tony’s will. All his support crew are in attendance from Rhody to Pepper, and most interestingly, Bethany Cabe who disappeared during the Crossing a seeming victim of foul play. But nah, everything’s fine folks. Unaware of the ghost at their table and incapable of acknowledging the familiar teenager in the corner several folks are tasked with leading Stark Enterprises into the future. There’s also a mysterious figure watching this all through a video feed. Given the track record of these comics I fully expect this shadowy conspirator to never resurface.

    Across town a lingering issue from the zodiac attack that left New York powerless is being dealt with. A medical center that specialized in cryogenic freezing finds the outage resulted in the death of most of their customers. The founder however is doing more than fine in his special chamber that siphoned power from surrounding chambers. It’s not long before we meet Frostbite, the first of, many only of, Teen Tony’s new enemies. It only makes sense to give the kid a new assortment of villains since old Tony sorta got the short straw on that front. And wouldn’t ya know this guy has a personal connection as the husband of Tony’s former love, now college professor, Meredith.

    After the will reading, Tont decides that it is totally appropriate to visit his new professors home to announce that he didn’t ditch he all those years ago. He simply got pulled into a tragic future wherein he was nearly murdered by his older self and now he’s her student who still has the hots for her. Mercifully the young lad us saved complete embarrassment by the introduction of Meredith's husband, Frostbite, who quickly puts a chill on the young avenger. I feel no shame in that pun since these issues are full of far worse.

Iron Man 328

    The next issue kicks of right where we left off with… oh wait. Frostbite and the lady are outside while Tony’s back at Avengers mansion doing just fine, the fuck? Much as I’d like to do a bit where I shout like an old man about “the old days when cliffhangers mattered,” such thinking doesn’t really apply to twenty-five year old comic books.

    Most of this issue exists to promote the new iron man suit which is… different to say the least. Alright it’s straight out ugly. The core concept isn’t so bad but the abnormal proportions really throw things off. From a characterization standpoint it’s weird that the suit doesn’t look a wee more retro seeing as Teen Tony is from a different time and doesn’t have as vast a wealth as his adult self. Overall the suit is ok so long as they avoid nightmarish panels with his eyes.

God, kill it with Fire!

    Meanwhile the Japanese have arrived attempting to buy out Stark Enterprises and Tony decides he’s growing to start fresh by living at college, trying to become his own man. There’s a whole conversation about whether he’s destined to become an easily addicted man-child but such soul-searching is quickly set aside for fine college ladies. Way to go, youngblood.

Avengers #398

    If the previous issue of Avenger was equivalent to house-cleaning, this one is an awkward rainy Saturday. Plot thread one concerns Hercules and Deathcry making googly eyes at each-other while heading to the moon to check out some package left near the old Inhuman home-base. They end up kidnapped by some Shi’ar types and honestly I can’t recall if this story ever receives a proper wrap up. I do know both of them sorta vanish for a little while.

    Back at Avengers HQ, Black Widow is being real cagey about Madam Masque being on the team. Wasp discovers her husband implanted some sort of tracking device in her neck. All the while Quicksilver makes a couples dinner for himself, Crystal, Wanda, and Vision. His plans are thrown on their head by the unwelcome mention of his possible future son, Tuc (god, how did I forget about that goldmine) and a sudden violent attack by vision. Said attack is linked to several disappearances by a weird robo-critter that’s infiltrated the mansion. Will this be a cliffhanger that actually sticks? Find out next time.

    Seriously though, this is gonna be a prime feature for the next couple months as it’s an opportunity I’ve waited years for. Still gonna do other items like Ultraman series reviews and good god am I ever behind on snack reports. Post nights are either going to be Mondays or Thursdays depending on factors. I hope to have this first sign stuff wrapped real quick so we can get into the real meat of Onslaught. See you soon.

Candyman Series Review

 

    

    While it’s no secret that I’m a big time horror aficionado, I’ve left some mystery surrounding the overly complicated storage method for the massive collection of spooky flicks. Since I’m pressed for space there is a three tier system plus sub-organization. The basics are based on quality. The best stuff gets house alphabetically on the ikea bookcase, good but lesser flicks are stashed inside cubes in the closest, and the weakest of the lot go in cloth bins in the highest point of the closet. Every horror movie that comes through here is subject to analysis of where it deserves to live. This debate gets even trickier when it comes to full series as was recently the case with Candyman.

    I’d seen the original Candyman several times in the past and while I didn’t mind it, something always felt off. Watched the second film years later and found it pretty lackluster. The recent revival via a forth entry combined with a blu-ray release of the much hated third installment marked the perfect time to dive back in and really test out the legacy of this franchise. For only being four movies there’s some wild shifts in quality to contend with. The original plan was to get these watched so they could be part of black history month, even though the majority of them revolve around blonde white ladies. My PC says it’s officially March 1^st but for you west coasters there’s still some black history to revel in, so let’s do this.

    The original Candyman has a huge reputation as many call it a true great of the horror genre. Might as well get this outta the way but it’s not that amazing. I mean it’s a solid film with a few choice scenes and a setting that really sets it apart. What hold OG Candyman back from being an undeniable classic isn’t anything all that big so much as plentiful tiny missteps and poor choices. Sloppy editing, ugly sets, underdeveloped characters, and one heck of a messy ending. Even some of its key features are double edged such as the score by Phillip Glass which is both iconic and cheap-sounding. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves though.

    For this first outing the focus is on Helen, a graduate student doing a thesis on urban myths. Her key topic is on the candyman myth of Chicago’s Cabrini Green projects. Thinking herself educated she sets out to prove how a neighborhood scared by crime and insecurity, note that she has very little understanding of social injustice, attributes social ills to a bogeyman in order to cope with reality. The story reaches peak quality at the midpoint with the flashback to the bathroom killing followed by the big revel of Candyman and the twists he provides to the story. Past that it becomes a series of scenes where Helen acts crazy and wonders why people think she’s crazy until the big face-off.

    OG Candyman is a might bit messy. Lots of folks talk up how it focuses on issues of race but the way it handles those topics is both one-sided and sloppy. Other horror flicks of the era like People Under The Stars handled racial inequality through the lens of characters living through those experiences. When Helen goes to Cabrini Green she might as well be sight-seeing, taking in other peoples misery for her own potential gain. Her understanding of the difficulties that neighborhood faces is incredibly superficial and the movie never totally calls her out on it, making for a difficult to root for protagonist.

    That being said, Tony Todd is an absolute boss, coming across not unlike an African American Vincent Price. His attitude, delivery, and presence go a long way in making the film memorable. Likewise there are some outstanding scenes like when Helen wakes up after first encountering Candyman. Plus the Chicago projects are a unique horror movie setting even to this day. Like I said before; it’s a good movie, but a bit short of true greatness.

    Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh attempts to maintain the brainier approach of its predecessor but can’t help itself from being plain old dumb. For this second attempt the action moves down to New Orleans where a woman named Annie deals with her brother being accused of murder, a crime that stretches back further in her family past. Before long she’s mixed up with the Candyman and the search for a magic mirror… seriously,

    Lots of people talk smack about jumps scares without really understanding the gap between good and poor examples. A great jump scare not only provides that quick boost of adrenaline but actually has some baring on the events you’re watching unfold. Furthermore it should amp up the threat level. Farewell to the Flesh is full of the worst kind of jump scares where nothing of note, or sometimes nothing at all, happens but there’s a loud noise edited in after the fact to make it seem scary. More often than not a character stumbles across a smelly hobo or stubs their toe on something while the music ramps way up. If you made a drinking game out of it you’d likely be spared the lame ending due to unconsciousness.

    There’s a certain comfort to that overdone mid-90s estetic along with some decent atmosphere from the New Orleans Mardi-Gras setting but none of that is enough to make up for Farewell to the Flesh’s lack of thrills or ideas. Our boring heroine stumbles from one scene to the next being scared by nothing until Candyman pops up behind someone to slice em capped off by a race to break a magic mirror. And let’s talk about the big C guy’s plan here. Turns out he’s got a line of white descendants and he wants to kill em all to make his legend bigger somehow… that’s it. The racial angle is even more superficial this time with the focus on scared white girl overpowering disenfranchised cultures haunted by a boogeyman. Save for a couple decent looks at Candyman’s past this is an almost perfect example of rent it and forget it mid-90s fair.

    Candyman 3: Day of the Dead ushered the series into the dank bowels of straight to video releases where it could potentially fester alongside the likes of Amityville and Hellraiser. For decades I’ve heard how terrible this one, reports that seemed legit given the series ended full stop. Pretty much everything I’d heard was correct. This thing’s dog shit all the way through. While this marks it as pretty poor viewing, personally I may have had more fun with this than with part 2. The tone and style is a weird mix of the previous films with a return to exploring race culture within a big city, this time hispanic community in L.A. Candyman himself feels closer to his first incarnation though his plan is a shaky combination of what came before, On that front this continues the family subplot from Farewell to the Flesh which makes for a really weird feature. Technically this story should be happening about nowish, maybe 2020 itself. Only a version of 2020 where folks where adult sized clothing and all phones are hardwired. That means these events are actually happening after the newest film.

    Donna D’Errico of Baywatch/Baywatch Nights fame stars as Caroline, the daughter of Annie from part 2. She’s part of the art scene in L.A. who gets roped into an art show featuring the works of Daniel Robitaille, aka Candyman. Before long the big guy’s out to hell her and everyone she knows cause why not? There’s very little to praise here with The greatest highlight being the comically evil cops who actually seem like psychic premonition of public police relations in the 2020s. This is just a trashy straight to video slasher with little in the way of ambition. Tony Todd’s still doing his best and there’s a tiny speck of a new idea with some goths worshiping Candyman but it all goes nowhere. Strange enough this one is actually improved by the fourth movie as those events could explain why it took so long for him to come after Caroline as well as proposing an interesting fate for the one cop character.

    By this point the series didn’t have a very favorable batting average. One decent yet messy flick followed by two dull & idiotic sequels isn’t the best way to stand out in the horror crowd. For my own personal viewing experience this meant a lot was riding on the new Candyman in cementing the overall franchise quality. Plus there was the curiosity/worry of what I was in for. The past 6 years or so have brought a bevy of what the internet calls elevated horror movies and for each one that works there’s a dozen absolute shit shows that are gonna age about as well as yogurt in an Alabama Summer.

    Right off the bat there’s a massive improvement in cinematography, editing, music, all the fine details that make a movie pop. Really can’t say enough about the score which channels the spirit of the old Phillip Glass stuff without sounding so cheap. There’s some obvious effort being made to lift the series out of the lame duck slasher territory of previous sequels.

    Setting production quality aside though we have something new and novel for the series, a protagonist who isn’t a white woman. For the first time ever the series looks at racial issues through the eyes of African Americans, namely an artist who has a secret connection to Cabrini Green. He develops an obsession for Candyman, just not the one we’re familiar with. In fact the film changes a whole lot about the nature of Candyman in a way that might annoy some old-school fans but really opens the series up should anyone wish to continue it.

    This new flick seems to bite off more than it can chew though. Some of the new ideas are really interesting but they’re left feeling underdeveloped. The proper lack of a follow-up appearance from Helen is especially notable given how this story touches on the ending of her tale. The tiny appearance of Tony Todd, while awesome and very appreciated, is still kinda sad after all this time without him. Plus it seems a little confusing as anything other than fan service and I’d imagine newbies kinda scratching their head at it. And while the racial aspects are definitely improved on there’s still a superficial element thanks to having the characters on the outside looking in.

    Issues aside this is easily the highlight of the series. It’s mean, well-made, entertaining, bloody, with just a touch of something more to give it some weight. I found myself shift from giving zero shits about a new Candyman to being all about this thing. In the modern era of long-form horror sequels this is definitely a highlight.

    While I debated where to store the series within my collection I decided to do something uncharacteristic and actually split them up. Despite the first film’s issues I’m likely enough to revisit it that it can stay on the bookcase with part four to keep it company. The second and third are totally in the bins.

    Alright; I’ve been plugging away at this long enough for tonight. Next update we’re gonna return to a topic I haven’t touched on in years in preparation for a long-planed series of articles to come. Either that or a snack report cause good lord have I been forgetting to keep you guys up to date on some goodies. Whatever the sequence of events I’m still doing my damnedest to get back in the flow around here, so look forward to those.

Cosmicsparky Returns to Talk About Underworld

 

    Another round of big holidays has come and gone and yet another year is in proper swing. In the interim I’ve been a total slouch at blogging. Since last touching base there’s been the usual array of work, holiday clean-up, January projects, oh, and the entire household may have had covid at some point. At the very least we found out well after the fact that we’d been exposed. If it infected any of us it went unnoticed. Don’t take this as downplaying the risks. We’ve all had our shots and thankfully the family luck tends to keep things like that at bay. Outside the house we now know some folks who were taken out by covid and I even had to take on extra work responsibilities for a while as several folks took ill. It may be a new years but, seriously folks, take your damn shots, I can nly handle so many extra shifts.

    Given the amount of time that’s passed it’s only right to do some post holiday wrap-up. Can’t speak for everyone else but around here December felt kinda off. It rarely felt like Christmas so much as extended Thanksgiving. That’s not to say it was bad as there were still plenty of pleasant moments and nifty gifts to go around I just think a number of people weren’t in the spirit and that collective charge that seeps out into the world failed to reach full strength It was the sort of holiday you hard to force a little by taking the right steps in food or entertainment in order to trigger that jolly center of the brain. Oddly enough I felt more festive throughout January. Perhaps the spring holidays will need to be beefed up to balance the scales.

    While the feeling of Christmas wasn’t totally there it didn’t stop this household from doing their damnedest. The advantages of proper employment allowed me to give a better array of gifts. Not to brag but the haul wasn’t half-bad either with most of my hobbies covered. Nearly everything came in threes. Three horror flicks, three tv series, three video games, you get the idea. If I wasn’t already primed for months of activities this certainly made up for any lacking areas.

    Originally the plan was to segway this post into the fittingly post-holiday first season episode of Night court featuring Michael J Fox as a despondent teenager. Problem is I revisited the show about two days before Christmas and have since forgotten all the internal commentary. Still there’s one thing, or rather five that I planed to write about and still maintain enough snark to torment you with; The Underworld franchise.

    Little personal history. Despite being a fiend for all things horror I’ve largely avoided the Underworld flicks. Sure the first two were blockbuster rentals way back when but after not finding either all that thrilling I subsequently ignored the sequels. That is until a fancy new 4k box set came out last fall and I caved to shiny packaging. The whole multi-genre thing combined with plenty of monsters and apt amounts of snow and blue filter made these a perfect project for the Halloween through New Years window anyway. In the process of picking up the series after all these years something of an appreciation started to grow while getting dashed against the rocks a few times as well.

    Let’s go all the way back to 2003, pretty much the center of that time when genre-mixing action flicks were quite the rage. Whether it was Blade, The Matrix, Resident Evil, Riddick, Equilibrium, AVP, Van Helsing, or Sky Captain there was a gap to fill after jingoistic muscleman flicks had been deemed out of style and untimely. If ever there was a time to launch a film series about a skinny British girl in a body-condom who punches monsters, this was it. And what teenage boy wouldn’t be down for hot chicks, guns, and monsters? Apparently this one.

    Before going much further I’d best give the general rundown of how the series functions. Vampires and werewolves, oh sorry, Lycans are real and have been at war under our very noses for centuries. Vamps are ruled over by three elders who take turns being in charge while wolves are far less organized. During the first outing we learn of biological experiments from the lycans based on the two species shared origin from a man whose had a strange reaction to a plague which then split off into the monster bloodlines. A modern day human descendant of that bloodline named Michael is pulled into the conflict where he meets hard-ass vampire deathdealer, Selene. Forbidden love ensues, hybrid monsters are made, and ancient conspiracies unearthed.

    At the time of it’s release I found Underworld’s storytelling to be messy, the world generic and ugly, and the action to be mostly boring. Some of these flaws have actually improved with age. The action, while still sluggish, is kinda refreshing after the waves of choppy editied action that occurred post Bourne movies and the over-choreographed stuff permeating every streaming service today. The blue-filtered eurotrash look now carries a comfy nostalgia. Even the story comes across more sturdy when compared to later cinematic abortions like the Transformers movies. There’s a level of gore, camerawork, and film-craft that didn’t feel like enough at the time but is damn respectable in retrospect.

    Still; there’s plenty of issues with the biggest, one that is wildly tossed at more recent movies, being how it feels less like a full story and more like an ad for other stories that could be. There’s so much in the way of characters and plot points that are only half-realized either on purpose or out of sheer laziness. So many names and past events are dropped in the viewers lap as if they’re a big deal only the audience has no frame of reference to work with. Oh it’s so shocking that this guy I know nothing about has been fake dead all this time, oh and now he’s really dead. Some of this shit outright disappears. Like it always seemed that the blonde vampire, Erika has something more up her sleeve but you’ll never see her again. Characters are wasted and we’re promised that nothing will ever be the same even though we had the most bare-bones explanation of how this world worked in the first place.

    Underworld Evolution came out three years later and this one was closer to how I remembered it. Right out the gate the backstory is made even more convoluted by trimming down the origin of both species as the two sons of Corvinus, one who was a vamp, the other werewolf (but not lycan as we’ll learn later on). The vampire Viktor is one of the elders who has now woken up with some lycan blood in his system, making him a hybrid apparently, and sets out to kill a shitload of regular vampires and free his wolfie bro from captivity because of purity or some such nonesense. Meanwhile we make repeat visits to a batch of new seemingly human characters who aren’t explained until roughly the 50-minute mark.

    If evolution sounds like something of a mess that’s because it is. Editing and action have gone down in quality, character development is nonexistent, geography and proper chronology are often ignored. Character development is at a standstill while more plot points and macgguerns are tossed at the audience. It’s not the worst film in the series though it certainly comes close. Once again things end with the promise that nothing will ever be the same which still means nothing since we don’t even totally know what part of the world we’re in. Seriously it’s just generic Europe at this point.

    For the third outing the series in 2009 the series takes the prequel route with Rise of the Lycans. Multiple dead characters from the first film are brought back and placed front and center in a medieval setting that makes the series feel the closet it’s ever been to Hammer Horror territory. We learn that OG werewolves were never able to shift between their man and beast forms until Lucian, the first Lycan is born. Seeing an opportunity the vampires use Lucian to breed a slave race resuting in a situation best described as Spartacus with monsters.

    This one has a bizarre reputation that fluctuates depending on who you ask between best or worst in the series. Honestly neither is the case. Lycans is plenty entertaining with the whole gladiator meets werewolves vibe and tons of Bill Nighey scenery chewing. The issue here is that there's little to no new information for viewers to ponder. We already knew this story and the added details only make things more messy. When exactly did Lucian go into hiding as supposedly dead is a prime example since he’s fresh off victory at the end of this outing. Little of importance is added to the mythology and as a result we’re treated to a sorta fun movie that manages to jug in place.

    In 2012 audiences were given Underworld Awakening which nowadays would likely be called a soft-reboot. We catch up with Selene only times have drastically changed. Humanity finally got hip to the whole secret history of monsters and set about wiping both species off the planet. During this cleansing both Selene and Michael are captured only for here to wake up years later naked in a cryotube. With the change in circumstances comes a full change to the supporting cast with new allies and enemies abound, the most of important of which is Selene’s daughter Eve.

    Despite the usual array of failings (not limited to a giant CG werewolf) this is probably my personal highlight for the series. For what feels like the first time ever Selene actually has some development as she faces sudden onset motherhood in a more dangerous world where her kind of been driven underground and her lover is M.I.A. Action is vastly improved with far less posturing, there’s a new human character who exists as something other than a love interest, Lycans get more crafty, and we even get treated to the wonderful Charles Dance filling the Bill Nighy void. There’s development on the front of Selene’s super blood that she obtained in Evolution, a decent cliffhanger, and even a funny action-heroine one-liner. It’s not grand cinema but at least it feels like the series wants to be something more by this point. Then we get Blood Wars.

    For whatever reason the fifth entry in any series is usually a dour note. At worst you end up with something like Phantasm Raveger but even a solid part 5 can be overshadowed by the titles surrounding it, think Friday the 13^th Part V for example. Underworld couldn’t escape this trend and the result is Blood Wars which... fuck is this thing awful. There’s just so much wrong here beginning with a limp attempt to ignore the previous entry. Michael has yet to be found, though his fate is revealed later on and is so damn stupid. Eve is shoved off to the side for her own safety. As for humans I guess they just forgot that monsters roam the earth. Characters mention how they’ve been brought low in recent years but everyone’s back to living in big castles or militant railyards and there isn’t a single human character to deal with. Selene’s still got magic blood and knows the new vamps from Awakening but for whatever reason she’s still on the run for the events of the first two films as if anyone would care after humanity cut through the monsters like shit after a church potlock.

    The current crop of Lycans is getting a leg up over the vampires and Selene is brought in to train a new crop of deathdealers. That is of course until yet another conspiracy rears its ugly head forcing her and (checks notes) David to flee northward to hook up with peaceful snowy vamps who meddle in the spirit world. More secret histories are revealed, another super wolf appears, and once again the ending promises that nothing will ever be the same (head slap).

    Blood Wars is just lazy on every front. Action sequences are dull, the story is empty and forgetful, new characters are completely wasted, and the answers to lingering mysteries are head-shakingly bad. Adding insult is how Selene has totally lost her edge. Despite being a killer badass to begin with plus the upgrade she got in part two she’s now weak as a kitten. Girl even gets captured and strapped to a table so someone can rescue her. Mind you this isn’t in the exploitative sense to titillate the audience so much as a lazy way of trying to showcase how dangerous the new villains are. As it stands the series has gone out on a majorly underwhelming note.

    After finally taking in the whole platter I must admit I’ve softened toward Underworld. The 1^st, 3^rd, and 4^th installments are sloppy but entertaining enough while the 2^nd is a kind of a comfy dumpster fire. Blood Wars should be cast out to sea but what are ya gonna do? It’s strange though how many facets of the franchise remain unfulfilled, the biggest being Michael. For being this super hybrid who’s supposed to change everything the guy is basically a supernatural version of John Connor. Each movie tells us he’s a big deal while refusing to showcase how. Currently his daughter is stuck with that same thankless role unless the series totally reboots and forgets everything that transpired over these five films. If Hollywood ever needs it I actually have an idea on how to continue/expand the current story that I’m a bit proud of as the main twist is pretty insensitive.

    I’ve certainly prattled on long enough for today. Been fairly good at making time for all my various pursuits of late yet writing keeps falling behind. No more I say. As it stands there are articles on Ulraman, Candyman, new snacks, and a return to a long-dormant feature all in the works. Look for those all throughout February and beyond.

December 2021 Snack Report and the Value of Cheap Movies

 

During the hustle and bustle of the holiday season it’s not uncommon to let a thing or two slip by, perhaps leave a chore lagging behind, or maybe as an example totally neglect your blog for close to a month. Yeah, I’ll own up to it, what began as a selfish mission to recharge post Halloween led to a number of crazy weeks. Within the past week alone I’ve worked black friday retail, gotten two vaccines, seen plenty of snow, and had to endure a doggy house guest.. So yes I’ve been properly busy but with the holiday feeling growing like some sort of festive fungus I’d say it’s time to get back on the horse.

    November in itself was something of a prolonged blur if we’re being at all honest. What few distinct moments I can recall seem incredibly far off despite being just weeks ago. Among those snippets of consciousness are mostly shopping outings, meaning you’ll have to forgive this turning mostly into another snack report. It’s just that when days start to run together, the weekend where you find Christmas cereal has the best chance of sticking out. It’s not all sugary treats though so stick around even if you aren’t obsessed with novelty ice cream.

Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cake Ice Cream

    Speaking of novelty ice cream let’s talk about one of the absolute highlights of the season so far. This Wal-Mart exclusive was set to come out in November though yours truly found some before Halloween and while it’s initial announcement was exciting there was a bit of trepidation as the first news posts didn’t mention which company was behind this magical slurry. Once word broke that this was the work of Hudsonville, a prime Michgian ice cream brand, all worry washed away.

    If you’re on the hunt please remember that this is only available in pints, a marketing choice that’s probably for your own safety. The packaging is unmissable though with a bright red tacky holiday look calling back to a time when people were less obsessed with calorie counting or modern aesthetics.

    Digging into the goo reveals something that totally lives up to the name. This is a debbie Christmas tree cake turned into ice cream. Everything from the sprinkles, cream, cake, and that waxy stuff all blended with ice cream to create something astoundingly decadent. It’s pretty much flawless in every regard. If you see some, get it, horde it if you must. Build a temple in worship of it. Shit’s that good.

Elf on the Shelf Hot Cocoa Cereal

    For those who found the original elf on the shelf cereal to be a bit underwhelming, which… yeah it had problems, Kellog’s is looking to rope you in this year with a new secondary offering based on that most beloved of drinks, hot cocoa. The packaging still isn’t the best but I found the cocoa coloring is an improvement overall which translates to the cereal.

    Let’s be honest; as far as chocolate cereals go there are better options out there. That being said this is a fine translation of mass market hot cocoa to cereal form right down to the tiny, super dry, marshmallows. The texture, flavor, and effects on milk are generally pleasing. It’s been good enough to warrant eating the whole box. Nothing amazing, just solid festive fare.

Apple Pie Toast Crunch

    If approximating hot drinks isn’t your thing how about desert? The toast crunch line has broadened this year with Apple Pie and oh Christ is this somehow competes with little debbie ice cream for title of reason for the season.

    The presentation is alright at best with a solid green and Santa caps on all the lil toast crunch guya. Once you’re inside however the world changes. The smell is only a bit off from regulr toast crunch with a solid hint of fruit. The flavor is just amazing though. Somehow the texture even helps to maintain that concept of refreshing and sweet apple goodness. It’s good enough to be deserving of a year round position or at the very least returning every Christmas for all time. Absolutely outstanding.

Mtn Dew Gingerbread Spiced

    Not content to spend all their creativity on Halloween those folks over at Dew have brought us yet another new flavor for the yuletide. Rather than stick to something safe like a holiday punch they went straight to the baked goods section for a gingerbread soda. Don’t let the idea freak you out cause this is basically the closet dew has ever come to ginger ale and the results are pretty tasty.

    Gotta admit the packaging on this one is a little off due to the sorta pissy yellow tint on everything. Plus angry gingerbread men don’t scream refreshment quite like rocking apples or mysterious phantoms. Flavor wise we’ve got something worthwhile here. There’s a definite ginger tinge with a bit more citrus back-up than usual ginger ales.

    Upon first drink the thought occurred that this would make for an awesome float though that experiment didn’t totally pan out. In a float the flavor is greatly diminished making for something very smooth and sorta bland almost like a snow float which, while seasonally appropriate, isn’t the most satisfying. It did inspire me to make a float with the Kroger exclusive apple flavor which was quite nice.

Gingerbread Kit Kat

    Anytime Kit Kat unleashes a new flavor my brow instinctively flexes with suspicion. More than most brands Kit Kat can waver wildly between fantastic and downright gross. I’m happy to report these fall towards the upper end of alright. Initially there’s a waxy sorta candle-like flavor going on that doesn’t work. After you bite into it though and all the flavors start to properly blend these end up as a pretty decent treat. Not up to the level of Key Lime or Cinamon Kit Kats but a worthy improvement over past mistakes like pumpkin spice.

M&M’s Snowballs

    As someone who holds pretzel M&M’s in the highest regard this winter variety seemed like a good chance for the oft forgotten M&M to get some time in the spotlight. Unfortunately The white chocolate this brand uses doesn’t blend well enough with the pretzel resulting in a candy that shifts between being too salty or too sweet depending on the overall composition. They’re still edible but pretty lame and a major letdown.

    When not occupied with work, video games, board games, pets, chores, you get the idea, I like to work through a big pile of unviwed dvds & blu-rays. Sometimes that pile undergoes a growth spurt thanks in no small part to the dollar tree. During the pandemic I discovered a bounty of dirt cheap entertainment I’d sadly neglected for far too long. The excuse back in the day was just how many of those movies are crap, and indeed many of them are. Even so there’s plenty of good, great, or at least outright bizarre flicks to be found for less than the cost of a rental.

    This most recent haul lacks for much in the way of horror, maybe 3 titles in total, but the remainder is made up of some real special treats. Can’t tell you how long I’ve waited to see Kid Galahad, a movie that manages to house both Elvis and Bronson. There’s an early 2000’s western called The Claim with an absolutely bonkers cast of folks like Wes bentley and Milla Jovovich. Best of all is a classic of lazy Saturday afternoons, Men at Work. I know this movie is hated by many but I couldn’t tell you how often I sat through this one as a kid just enjoying the antics of Charlie and Emilio. We might have to talk about that one in detail somewhere down the road. First I gotta make the perfect setting for it, early Sat/Sun afternoon preferably with a nice selection cheese snacks and a small reason to feel smug. Could make for a fine piece of holiday therapy. You keep Christmas in your way and let me keep it in mine. Suppose this should mark a warning that if I’m your secret Santa there’s gonna be some dollar store flicks in your stocking.

    Well this wasn’t amazing, moreso since images won't work for some reason, but I’m back, that’s the important thing. It’s bee harder and harder to find writing time in recent months but I’d like to keep this place in fighting shape again. Plus I might find the lil spark that’s currently missing from my holiday mood. Heck, maybe’s it’s finally time to write about the night court episode with Santa and michael j fox. You’ve all been warned.

Happy Halloween Soda Party

 

    Time and tine again it amazes me how much each season can have it’s own mood and tone separate from those of the past. This can radically differ from what we expect as well. Marching into the Halloween season this year I thought it was going to be a massive return to form after the more muted 2020 model. Instead it’s been a mixed bag of developments on that direction alongside lingering difficulties like piss poor supply chains at stores. Admittedly it took me longer than usual to find the best way to take in this Halloween, which is as something of a zen observer. This wasn’t a season to be sucked into or even forced but to be gently prodded and then viewed in comfort.

    Little known tidbit about yours truly but during my media-obsessed youth I took more than few life lessons and viewpoints from favorite flicks like the dirty slacker work-ethic of Tremors. One of my biggest inspirations for how to view life was Ricky from The Burbs, not Corey Feldman himself mind you cause that guy… yeeesh. I always loved the sight of a character who reveled in his simple surroundings, taking entertainment from his immediate surroundings. Rickey is essentially the spirit animal of this season as best illustrated tonight when one of my favorite moments was just sitting in the garage alongside my cat, sipping pumpkin ale, and watching rainfall on my decorations. As an activity it could technically be done any night of the year but when else would the beer be brewed with pumpkins and the yard be filled with giant spiders and gravestones?

    In the spirit of just enjoying the simple things, one of most recent little adventures was a small soda tasting event. The Hitcher was on tv, I turned on some of the wall lanterns and busted out a line-up of various limited flavors for all to try. Like a wine-tasting only somehow less damaging on teeth.

    The first flavor on tap isn’t actually Halloween inspired but it’s new and required assigning a mission to a relative on a road trip. Mtn Dew recently brought out a Food Lion exclusive called Uproar. Being from Michigan I’m not sure I’ve ever even seen a Food Lion so when my sister announced her plans to head to the Carolina's to drop off Ikea furniture I swooped in and bade her bring back as much as possible. Is Uproar worth owing someone thirty bucks? Almost.

    Let’s be fair; Dew is putting out so many flavors in recent years that some of them are actually beginning to blend together in my mind. Scent wise this is one of the all-time best with the Kiwi berry combo smelling just plain awesome. Taste is good but a little hard to pin down as I swear there’s bits of past Dews floating around in there. Neither flavor truly takes over leaving the distinction of simply being really good candy water. But I do mean really good candy water definitely deserving of hoarding for those with access.

    Outside of the stash of Uproar and another 12-pack of Voodew 3 my sister also brought back a bottle of Sheets Pumpkin Pie Soda. Don’t let first impressions matter too much cause this stuff smells like total ass but the flavor ain’t half bad. Think of the crossroads between cream soda and ginger ale and you’ll have a decent idea of what’s going on. It’s both smooth and bitey, just a shame it’s scented like corpse.

    Next up were two bottles I’d picked up nearly a month ago starting with Hanks Caramel Apple Cream Soda. Oh yeah, this was some good shit right here. The scent almost perfectly captures every aspect with proper waves of apple and candy. Taste is mostly on point as well though I wish there was just a little more of that apple pucker to it. If I’d thought of it adding some Dew Thrashed Apple woulda been a fine idea.

    Last up was Hanks Pumpkin Spice Cream soda which I’d feared had the potential to be the worst of the bunch. Turns out it was, just not for the reasons I expected. I’d imagined something with a nasty candle taste but the actual product just tastes like… soda. No particular soda either. Almost like a jumble of leftover flavors from a pop machine. Sheets did a much better job tackling this concept but at least Hanks has that lovely caramel apple.

    Another of those odd moments that only seem to happen this time of year was last week , maybe a Wednesday at 2 AM. I decided it was time to make a pumpkin totem. No doubt you’ve seen a few in your own towns. Somebody takes the classic plastic pumpkin pail, drills a hole in the bottom, and stacks em around a pole wrapped in lights. It’s a pretty low-budget decoration with a decent impact on whatever your display happens to be. It was the feeling of welding power tools to augment candy buckets in the wee hours that really made this special.

    It might seem like I’m a bit melancholy and indeed I am shocked that the big night’s almost here. As with so many seasons there were great surprises and a few missed opportunities. Wasn’t able to keep the blog posted anywhere near as much as I’d planed but I wanted to get at least one more out there for all you fellow Halloweeny folks. Our time is here, to truly revel in a holiday dressed in whimsically grim attire. Go out and enjoy the simple pleasures of this time while you can. Listen to the Maniac Cop rap while heading to micky D’s for a pumpkin cream pie. Take one more after dark stroll through the park. Don’t force it, just nudge it and enjoy the results of this most wonderful time. Thanks to anybody who includes this small space as part of their year and may you all have the happiest of Halloweens.

Halloween Book Sale 2021

 

    One of my favorite aspects of the holidays is how they add just that touch of something extra to otherwise mundane activities. Walks and rides are more soothing when there’s decorations to awe at while shopping becomes an act of discovery with store aisles carrying seasonal surprises. It’s important to harness that energy in order to make each day feel satisfactory. That’s what leads to personal rituals like the Halloween book sale. For most folks it’s just a library book sale but when you make it a purposeful scavenger hunt for horror items it becomes a proper event. Tough this is almost universally ranked among my least read posts each year I still invite you all to come along for the fun.

    If you’re wondering why there’s no post about mood tables, or the planned bookcase, it’s because I haven’t finished em. Part of the issue is just how much has changed around the house. There’s been just enough shifting and moving to create new spaces while eliminating others that I’m sometimes left scratching my head as to what to do. Plus decorating a massive, and slightly incomplete, bookcase is a good deal different than any table. The upside is that I get to work on it little by little, keeping the mood of Halloween alive through creativity rather than simple admiration. All that said I think inspiration may have finally struck tonight.

    Finding decent horror goodies at this sale is always a challenge due to their overall rarity combined with the amount of collectors and flippers out there. This year felt even tougher thanks to the increased floor space as the sale moved to a nearby church. A massive spread meant great eyestrain that further compounded the usual difficulties of this event. Not sure if any of you have ever noticed but there’s this weird phenomenon where a lot of romance novels, mainly the hardcover ones, look like horror titles thanks to vague titles, fancy font, and sometimes Gothic covers. Then there’s the usual array of mystery novels to toss aside. And while it may seem counterproductive, I don’t take every horror item I find. Some get left behind due to not sounding interesting enough plus it only seems fair to leave something behind for other horror hunters.

    Naturally I don’t restrict myself solely to scary stuff though it’s always wise to not go over the top when already months behind on the personal reading list. This sale however had a decent amount of R. A. Salvatore stuff on offer. Had a small share of these years ago and always enjoyed the adventurous tone and boss ass violence the man conveys through his writing. There were more in paperback format but if I was gonna take this chance to rebuild a little Salvatore library then it’s gonna be proper hardcovers. The Legacy and Passage to Dawn are the real highlights here since these copies still fetch new prices online. What stinks is these are the 1^st and 4^th of that particular series meaning there’s some hunting to be done. The Orc King and The Pirate King however are a series or two later in continuity and at least are in order with a lower price point for part 3. Even if you’ve zero interest in Forgotten Realms D&D media these are fun books when you need a spot of adventure which is usually how I feel come November.

    Our first horror item showcases precisely what makes this hunt so fun. Came across this hardcover of Bless The Child by Cathy Cash Spellman. Flipped it over only to see a brief excerpt with folks talking about a cult. Cults are cool, this could be good, then I check the inner flap where the quick explanation something along the lines of such and such is a forty-two year old grandmother. Also she’s about to face off against the devil… only she doesn’t know it yet. Yes!!! Paydirt! Not only does this sound delightful but it took me down a total rabbit hole since it reminded me that there’s a movie that was made by Chuck Russel of Dream Warriors, The Blob, and The Mask fame. Even stranger is that Russel most recently made a Bollywood movie. Chalk that up as a project for next month.

    Way back when I was sampling mystery subscription boxes I received a Cliver Barker Tortured Souls figure. Knew very little about the line but it turns out that when bought brand new each figure came with a little booklet detailing their backstory and role in Barker’s overall lore. Sometime later; all these pamphlets were collected in hardcover form called Tortured Souls: The Legend of Primordia. Not a massive fan of Barker but this seemed interesting enough at first glance and even better is the resale value with this thing frequently fetching forty bucks online. Not bad for a rando one dollar book.

    Came across two paperbacks that are apparently linked written by Sarah Langan. Never heard of Langan before but there’s plenty of praise blurbs from Peter Straub though I’d hope she’s better than his junk. That’s right Straub, I’m calling you out. Also nabbed a dvd of The Innocents. Never seen this thing in full, always kinda feared it to be overrated dribble. Guess I’ll find out real soon.

    Overall a very streamlined and straightforward book sale this time but that’s sort of the point. You’re never sure what’s gonna pop out of those endless rows of books so you make the most of it while maintaining a clear enough head to not go overboard. Left behind some vampire anthology paperback along with some F. Paul Wilson material that was war too far into his massive backlog to likely make much sense. Still a fine small outing for the season.

    In order to drive home the whole idea of little moments making the season so much more let’s add a little unrelated tale from the following night. As much as possible I like to take the moped to work. It’s fun, relaxing, and saves a shit ton of gas. Problem is this has been one swampy ass year in this part of Michigan. While Friday’s ride in was just fine, closing up shop was a whole different story. Getting rained on is perfectly acceptable since a shower is the first thing on the agenda yet upon locking the door and turning around I was treated to a strike of lightning right across as the street, the sound of which rattled and bounced off of nearby buildings. After forcing my skeleton not to jump out of my mouth of anus I got rolling on the moped. The following one and a quarter miles were spent making waves with my feet, cackling to the sounds of some great thunder, and spitting out a bunch of rainwater at every stop sign. Admittedly this all sounds like a massive pain in the ass but it’s in that moment after pulling into the garage where you’re standing their, soaked down to your undies, that you really feel alive. Much like we embrace scary things all season it’s nice to take on a sudden challenge. More so in current times were a lot of what we used to take for granted is still a bit wobbly.

    With a good amount of time to go before the big night I advise any and all of you to find those little things of your own. Maybe it’s a sale, a convention, a town tour, or maybe build up the guts to watch a movie you were always scared of. A wise man once advised peeing into the wind. You all face that wind and let it roar.