Summer 93 Summer Free VHS Review

Once in a great while life bestows us with the most mystical and valuable of items; free VHS tapes that some thoughtless person left behind. Maybe those will never be words of wisdom on a inspirational calendar but the fun-factor of forgotten media is truly priceless, moreso when nobody charges you for it. Twice in recent months I’ve been lucky enough to stumble across some very interesting tapes in a display of free VHS at a local thrift store. One will come in a few weeks as we transition to the Halloween countdown. The other serves as something of a farewell to summertime. Today I want to take you back to the summer of 1993 when dinosaurs roamed the earth, Harrison Ford was on the run, and Arnold Schwarzenegger dealt with the ramifications of a magic movie ticket. We’re talking about the same season that introduced kids to Power Rangers which makes me feel profoundly old. Our topic for today is a bit different than all those explosive adventures as we’re going to look at a promotional tape called Summer '93 Summer Free which is meant as a promotional item to showcase hit songs from CCM-TV.

What is CCM you might ask? According to research it was a christian music program that aired Saturday nights on the Family Channel before it mutated into Fox Family, ABC Family, and settled on Freeform. Can’t say as I have any concrete memories of the show but given that it was on during my years of youthful television obsession it’s very likely I saw chunks of it. Despite noting the program on the packaging and in some adverts this tape doesn’t bother to include any hosted segments opting instead for a dozen “hit” videos of that season along with a few commercials.

It should probably be noted, in case it wasn’t obvious from everything I do, that I am not a christian. If anything the closet thing to religion in my life likely resembles the vengeance prayer from Conan the Barbarian.

 Sure I was bought up going to church but none of that stuck and I enjoy mocking tacky faith-based entertainment to the fullest extent. Question was whether this tape would provide a perfect smorgasbord of corny crap to mock. The answer is somehow both a surprising no and an overwhelming yes at the same time.

Let's elaborate on the surprise factor. For a good chunk of this decade when working my handyman shelter jobs I toiled alongside a guy who listened to modern christian radio which is akin to pouring sulfuric acid in your ear. I'm talking flaccid bullshit lyrics and limp compositions that maintain a fine balance of ignorant and offensive subject matter. As if to to fully showcase what a different era the early 90s were, nearly half of the videos on this tape deal with more universal concepts that apply to everyone instead of sticking to the religious base. It's downright shocking at times to see pleasant humanist messages tossed into the mix. Don't let this worry you too much though, I'll still find things to snark at.

Speaking of more universal themes this tape kicks off with the rap of D. C. Talk as they go on about ending segregation and racism. Here I am rubbing my hands together in anticipation of something truly awful only to meet with perfectly agreeable notions. To make things even stranger my nephew pitched in the critique that “as far as christian rap goes, I've heard worse.” Sure there were white dudes with bad haircuts and overalls planing to overthrow racism with Jesus along with usage of that always troublesome phrase “god's army.” Plus somebody does the classic drawn out “yeahhhh boyyyyy!” and while I could make fun of that it'd just be more cynical than anything. It's cheesy, dated, and a bit too peaceful given the serious subject matter but it wasn't totally offensive to the ears or mind.

It became clear that the first half of this tape couldn't be covered on a case by case basis as, at worst, the songs were just unbearably corny. That being said a few recurring themes began to emerge such as band members resembling b-movie stars. In one group the singer resembled like the unholy union of Tommy Wiseau and Wings Hauser. Yet another singer looked like Matt Hannon of Samurai Cop fame only skinny and clearly not built to slaughter yakuza goons by the truckload. I'll consider it a mercy that none of these guys looked like Robert Z'Dar.

Another recurring element that arrived in around the third video was abandoned factories. This phenomenon wasn't solely contained to christian music mind you, for some reason every record label under the sun had an old factory strictly for the purpose of having guys in wife beaters and unbuttoned dress shirts dance around in them. To a certain extent I can't blame them. Time spent guarding an abounded glass factory taught me that impromptu dancing in puddles of rain water is a legitimate source of entertainment. Music videos wisely leave out the part where you get bored and start urinating in all the loading docks.

More surprises came with further videos such as one stressing the importance of PDA, which yes they meant showing godly love and such. Yet even as one of the lesser offerings in the portion of the tape the general concept spreading love and not being a total asshole to people is solid. Let's note that this is the same religion that earlier this decade gave us the side-splittingly awful Christian Side-Hug because, ya know, regular hugs are kinda dirty what with all the pelvic action. This was actually a thing, look it up if you don't believe me, I'll be here when you get back.

Moving further down the rabbit hole brings items like a remake of God Gave Rock and Roll yo You preformed by some headbangers alongside a trio of rappers. Both halves are semi-decent and they're covering a song that at the time was most recently done by KISS for Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey. The video after that sampled Al Green's Let's Stay Together re-framed for families who break apart. It's as if people had some slim amount of taste.

Within the first seven videos there's nothing really all that despicable. Probably the worst song of the bunch is about friendship and it's greatest crime is bearing so disgustedly positive as to potentially cause diabetes. Where was the off-key singing? Where were the lyrics that resembled oral favors for an imaginary friend? Where were the worrying mentions of evil outsiders? Sure I wouldn't break these songs out at a party but they were a far cry from the wretched shit I'd hear pouring out of my co-workers radio. Eventually some of that awfulness began to slip through.

At roughly three or four points in the tape we break for some advertisements. There's one for the CCM Magazine, a few odd hype spots for upcoming solo albums by different girls complete with glamour shots involving old barns and blossom hats, then there was the sweet spot. An ad for a young christian study bible thingy with sections about facing real world problems like necking, abortion, and from the look of it, dinosaurs. This must have been when churches started creating weird workarounds for the whole dinosaur part of history. It's weird but for all the wacky uptight shit my old church did I never recalled them having an issue with thunder lizards. Perhaps they were too concerned with condemning everyone for anything to even bother with how a triceratops fits into the bible.

With the eighth music video everything started to shift. The cliches and horrors normally associated with christian music began to show their ugly faces. Boring white guys standing on the beach staring at nothing... check. Women who are somehow both childlike and ancient spinning in meadows carrying on about nonsense... you better believe it. Guys who are clearly making too much money off this racket and not returning anywhere near enough of it to the world... you bet your bippy. This was the sort of tacky crap I recall as the general image of religious music back then yet even these were often more forgettable than revolting. Even the videos veered towards the dull and uninspired with folks leaning on objects and looking soulfully at the horizon. One video did get me chuckling a bit with this singer and guitarist married duo. She'd flail about this old house while he eyeballed her and played his instrument. The whole thing played out like one of those old thrillers where somebody's trying to make a girl go crazy in order to steal her inheritance. That video doesn't seem to exist online making this tape a true artifact.

Sure enough the tone and subject matter had changed from universal concepts like being a decent person or standing by your family to lifting up the ego of their creator and giving him credit for everything in life, I think he even did the dishes at one point. This was the sort of stuff made strictly for established followers. No effort was made to reach out on the fronts of musical accomplishment or lyrical substance for anyone who wasn't already aboard the god train. Even so this wasn't what I picked up the tape for. I wanted something hilariously absurd in how dated and out of touch it could be in equal measure. The sort of thing that even a true blue god wad could look at and say “that stinks.” Way at the back of the tape when all hope seemed lost, my dream came true.

This is the Life by Phillips, Craig, and Dean is so terrible it must be fattening. A thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters could work for years and never craft a write up worthy of this nonsense. We have the three whitest men to ever walk the earth clad in their best tacky sweaters preforming dance moves that would make rigor mortis seem smooth. The setting and theme of the video is them doing wacky antics in gift and bible store. If you're wondering what constitutes wacky in such a place it's rowdy activities like playing monopoly in the kids corner, placing their CD in front of competing bands, or putting om impromptu puppet shows for no one in particular. It all gets a bit weird when they start forcing their CD on unsuspecting customers. What message could possibly go along with these visuals? Life is best when devoted to Christ. The response to any criticism towards that statement? We're right, you're wrong. Mix all this shit in a blender and let it roll for close to four minutes. Viewing this brought a wave of hushed horror over the small audience of my living. This is what I was looking for during the whole tape; pure unadulterated garbage. At last I was satisfied.

With a final round of repeat ads the tape was over. It's such a strange relic of the time it that it seemingly showcase two directions christian music could have leaned towards. One that was more secular and all-encompassing or another that was full of embarrassing mantras for the already initiated. From my experience it seems that the latter camp sadly won the popular vote.

And so, my journey with dated religious tunes was at an end. I've since found that looking up CCM-TV still nabs you christian media only it's from India. Why is it every time I bring home something free from the thrift store I learn the weirdest shit about the world? Still this tape seemed like a good way to ease out of summertime. Around these parts kids will be going back to school next week and pumpkin spice products will soon clutter the aisles. Even I'll thank god for that.

Godzilla 98 Music Video Trilogy

At the end of this month the world will be treated to the hirty-fifth film in the Godzilla franchise. As someone who has seen all of these flicks you can safely assume I’m stoked for this newest outing, Honestly I’m feeling spoiled having so many great expansions to favorite series pop up this year be it Endgame, Glass, or the recent announcements of The Collector 3, and trailers for remakes of classic games like Medievil and Final Fantasy Vii. This got me thinking about how things were when I was still a kid which brought me back to one of the weirdest bits of Godzilla history.

The summer movie season of 1998 was an odd one for sure. Starting with the pre-game efforts we had a season full of both garbage and treasure ranging from Species II, Lost in Space, The Truman Shows, The Mask of Zorror, The X-Files, Lethal Weapon 4, and two separate movies about killer meteors. Thankfully it all wrapped up with Blade proving that comic book films could be awesome. Still the big lynchpin of Summer was Godzilla as produced by the guys who made Independence Day. This thing was everywhere with a massive advertising campaign, toys, fast food tie-ins, an upcoming cartoon, and that hallmark of 90s blockbusters, a licensed soundtrack.

Godzilla the album offered a selection of mostly alternative rock fare with all manner of bands you wouldn’t normally associate with a giant atomic lizard. We’re talking the likes of Ben Folds Five, Foo Fighters, Days of the New, and Rage Against the Machine. The selection of talent on display made no sense in relation to the film and was looked upon by twelve/thirteen year old me as lousy music. If that poor naive bastard only knew of the musical horrors that would exist in the twenty-tens I bet he'd have a different view. Anyway; a trilogy of tracks were released as singles with accompanying music videos and that is what we’re really here to talk about.

I’m going to cover these three videos in the order of least to most Godzilla visuals which means we begin with The Wallflowers cover of the David Bowie track, Heroes. According to wikipedia this was not the most successful of the singles but I don’t buy it personally. Maybe it’s a Michigan thing but I couldn’t escape this song back then and still here it once in a while at stores or on the radio. From a musical standpoint I never thought much of the track, it neither offends nor please the ears so much as it exists as a more digestible take on Bowie’s original. Frankly I like Peter Gabriel's take the best.

The video maintains the rainy and dark motif from the film that carries into the other singles as well. We open with helicopters buzzing through the New York skyline as a building crumbles and loud noises begin to sound. None of this is any concern to the Wallflowers who are focused on preforming their song inside an apartment. Lord only knows where in New York you could find an apartment this large and play music in it without a large sweaty man banging on your door but I guess that’s all part of the fantasy.

Somebody who isn’t enjoying themselves is a mopey girl in a red hoody, perhaps a girlfriend, I like to pretend she’s a doormat sister who lets her brothers band crash at her place. She walks out to the street in time to witness Godzilla come by with us only being treated to his feet and tail which he uses to bash out the apartment wall. Still unfazed She continues across the street to a convenience store to pick-up some milk. She leaves money upon realizing there’s no cashier then walks back to her place as the band wraps up the song and everything ends with Godzilla’s roar. The tacky version from the film that’s augmented with a falcon screech or something.

The entire production seems pricey for the time with the ruined street, constant rain, and all that jazz but one has to wonder why that money wasn’t backed up by some sort of storytelling. A band covers a song while a sad girl picks up some milk. Makes me wonder if this served as some inspiration for Cloverfield with pretty young people so focused on their own issues to be unaware of the giant monster coming to stomp on them.

Sadly unable to make photos of this one. At least this way you get your fill of giant hats.

Next up is Deeper Underground from Jamiroquai and I gotta admit that before diving into this topic I don't think I'd ever seen this. That being said it’s probably my favorite of the trio in the musical sense. Wouldn't purposely turn it on but it’s not something I’d run from either. Thematically both the song and video have slightly more in common with the film though we get about the same amount of big-G screen time. Even with the closer connection, things still seem kind of generic which makes sense as there's supposedly another version of the video that completely removes the giant beast.

We're introduced to a movie theater watching Godzilla in 3-D, complete with classic red/blue paper glasses. Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, far more than if they were watching the real film, until Godzilla's feet bust through the screen unleashing a flood before he creates his own exit. From then on the theater continues to flood while cars and helicopters crash into it. In the midst of this chaos is front-man Jay Kay doing his usual nutty dancing. He walks along the backs of chairs, flops around atop crashed vehicles, and refuses to wear appropriately sized hats. Meanwhile regular folk are rushing to the exits. In a final twist this all turns out to be another movie being viewed by another theater.

Similar to Heroes this video is clearly expensive but little effort was made towards narrative. A disaster occurs only for some nutter to dance around. Even the space he dances in seems arbitrarily limited with him returning to the same chairs and cars again and again. It would have been much more interesting to follow him on an escape route. Even with such criticisms this is a step-up from viewing sad people with a thirst for milk.

Finally we come to the wildest installment of this collection Come With Me by Puff Daddy with backup from Jimmy Page. Supposedly this was the most successful of the three singles which I guess makes sense. Puff was rather popular at the time as he had yet to become a joke with a steady stream of changing names. And people seem to like Page for whatever reason. Even if you don't dig the music you can't deny the entertainment value of this big and stupid video.

It all begins strangely enough with Puff getting some loving while listening to the Isley Brothers. Maybe it's just me but you should never start your video by reminding people of better music. Turns out this is all just a dream when Puff awakens on his couch, fully dressed in black with crappy leather/vinyl pants mind you, to the sounds of chaos and Godzilla stomping about. Harry Shearer is on his TV as the reporter from the film and Puff approaches his window to see zilla face to face as the monster throws a bus into his apartment. Guess atomic reptiles don't dig 90s rap either. Puff decides to pose in the gaping hole in the wall and start rapping while fighter jets fly by and Jimmie Page footage plays in Times Square.

Eventually a jet explodes in front of Puffy throwing him backwards into a malfunctioning elevator that skyrockets upward as he continues the song. The elevator flies out the top of the building tossing Puff into the air when he, I shit you not, explodes into a flock of white doves. He reforms soon enough now fully dressed in a white suit and enters the slow part of the song as he free falls into Times Square and finally floats onto a lit stage complete with orchestra.

The final act of the video cuts back and forth between two topics. First is film footage of Godzilla rampaging through New York, offering full glimpses at the beast unlike the other videos. The other half is Puff attempting to dance while the song escalates with full orchestral backup. I must stress how bad Daddy's dance moves are. He's the guy you invite to a wedding reception to make everyone else feel better. His gesticulations give the impression he's suffering from some sort of neurological disorder. I know this all sounds mean but goddamn the man cannot dance. In the end his performance draws the attention of Godzilla and the two stare off while fireworks burst overhead (who sets off fireworks during a monster attack?) then Puff turns his back and walks away as the beast roars behind him.

While being almost totally removed from the subject matter of the film this song and video almost perfectly represent it. As noted earlier the Summer of 98 was a nutty time when hollywood seemingly used a dart board to make decisions. Notions like world-building or fandoms weren't part of the equation for tent-pole blockbusters so much as spending lots of money on loud nonesense and making sure Taco Bell had some toys to sell. Having a video this big and senseless perfectly illustrates the kind of film-making I'm talking about right down to having the musician walk away from the monster as if he's unimpressed. Such was the state of blockbusters at the time that Puff Daddy's own ego could outweigh a pop-cultural giant.

And thus closes one of the strangest pieces of zilla history. To look at how these films are treat now versus then is a total night to day shift. In the late 90s it was an absolute pain to see most Godzilla films, more so if you wanted to see the legit Japanese version. Our only solace was the promise of a big American production that turned out to be a lousy and generic big lizard flick. Now it's not that hard to get our hands on quality release of the movies and we've already had one decent U.S. Film with the second looking like a total knockout. In a way we have to thank that bloated late 90s version because it's hype and ensuing backlash were vital in altering the landscape so that we can now get franchise films that still come with a few product tie-ins but aren't totally watered down dreck. Let's raise a glass then to that disastrous production and the wacky, unnecessary music videos it spawned.

CosmicSparky's Horror Soundtrack Stash.

As I've spent the first week of October up to my neck in decorations and novelties, I've begun to notice a change. Ever since becoming gainfully employed on a more steady basis, my stash of spooky décor has been enhanced to the point that I'm having to kick some of the old simple stuff out. On the one hand it's nice to be able to put out just a few nice items rather than an armada of junk but it does throw things for a loop and forces me to change a lot of usual tricks and patterns for decorating. Things change, that can't be avoided I guess. One change that I've fully embraced however is the option of scoring these spooky nights with fine music. Ever since getting into vinyl collecting, I made a point of getting some good horror soundtracks in advance so as to not murder my poor bank account. Seeing as it's to gross outside to place more tombstones, and that the mystery box I wanted to kick off this month with is running a week late, let's talk about horror soundtracks.

One of my must own titles for the collection from the start was The Fog. No doubt it is one of my top horror flicks, one I watch every year for it's atmosphere and simple campfire tale storytelling. It doesn't hurt that director, John Carpenter pumped out one of his best scores for this effort.

Death Waltz Records had already made a special release of this soundtrack several years ago which has become something of a pricey collectors item. Thankfully Silva Screen Records jumped in with their own double LP version. The presentation is quite nice with one green disc and one white. Most importantly the sound is rich and clear. If you've never heard the score before, it's best as an aftermath affair. Say you were out shopping or went to an event. When it's time to go home and settle down this is the music that perfectly fits the mood.

Much as I want to scream the merits of this release there is one issue. Not unlike most Carpenter film scores, this one is very repetitive to the point that listening to both LP's in a row is simply too much of a good thing. Taking in one LP or one side at a time is great, but going through it all in one sitting is a surefire way to overdo it.

The first horror soundtrack in my collection from a label I knew practically nothing about beforehand is The Fly. Varese Saranamde brought this little beauty out in a few different color variations of which I purchased the black and green mix from Collectors Choice Vinyl. That color choice perfectly captures the off-putting and grotesque nature of the film.

As for the music composer, Howard Shore crafted something a bit more lively and almost operatic here. It's definitely not something to come down on. No, this one works best for me come chore time. It's just far enough over the top that it can turn antics like folding cloths or cleaning the kitchen into manic and spooky affairs. Best of all, Varese releases tend to be a bit more affordable than titles from Mondo or Waxwork so this can be gotten for a decent price.

Another colored release from Varese Sarabande that I initially wasn't sure about buying is their new version of Christine. For as many times as I've seen the film, the score never stood out to me as much as other John Carpenter works. In part that's because it has more variety than his usual scores which in turn makes for a refreshing listening experience.

The score itself has a mix of melancholy and synth sounds that really make for grade-A rainy day music. It may not be Carpenter's most lauded work but in all honesty it stands on its own better than most of his other scores.

The artwork and coloration of the LP are outstanding but there is one thing that bothers me about Sarabande titles so far, and that's how flimsy the packaging feels. This one even more so than The Fly just feels pathetic and wimpy. I suppose that's the trade-off for being more affordable.

Now this one has a story behind it. In early August as I was looking to get The Fog, I visited the Silva Screen website for more info when I found that they had also released The Ninth Gate. Right then and there this thing shot to the front of the line. Not many people have seen the film, and even fewer actually enjoy it, but I'll bet even haters would be hard pressed to dislike the outstanding music. Little did I know it would take two months to finally lay my mitts on the thing.

Silva Screen made two different versions of this two LP release. One was all black, and the other had a red and orange fire color. The colored version suffered from pressing issues which messed with sound quality and makes it the cheaper of the two. Since I wanted the best sound I had to get the black version. Here's the problem; when I started to shop around, finding a copy available within the U.S. Was almost impossible. I did not cherish the notion of paying extra for international shipping only to be potentially disappointed (I'd revived two broken records in the mail that same month). For me it had to be domestic and finally I found one from an ebay store. So I sucked it up and payed the pretty hefty price tag. Time passed and I didn't receive anything. Turns out the initial order failed to process correctly and then the distributor took a massive amount of time to restock the store. In that time the owner gave me a refund and promised to inform me of new stock ahead of time. With his help I was finally able to hold and listen to this release in order to usher in the month of ghouls and ghosts.

Man was the wait ever worth it. This is classic horror music complete with chanting and harpsichords. It's the stuff you turn on when it's time to get a little classy, maybe drink a bit of brandy while wearing a cape. It's excellent, but also pretty damned expensive. Keep that in mind if you're a fan because this one will take a nice bite outta your paycheck.

Last but nowhere near least is C.H.U.D. From Waxwork records. These guys deal almost exclusively in horror soundtracks and man do they ever give em some love. Right of the bat the packaging is beautiful and sturdy. The LP is gorgeous and a weighty 180 gram pressing, there's even a director interview on the record sleeve. The only problem is that same sleeve is shitty paper that leaves debris on the LP. Oh how I wish companies would get away from these cheap sleeves.

On the music front this one may actually garner my highest recommendation, not for any level of emotional depth or complex notes. On the contrary, this is simplistic and largely cheesy. What makes it great though is both the variety of tracks and their short run times, making this the closest thing I have to an awesome spooky sounds album. If you're looking for a horror soundtrack for a party setting, this is one to get.

That's all I've got for today. Believe me, I'd love to have about a dozen more to show you like Insidious or the new Hellraiser release but I have more important AKA responsible things to spend money on. So tell me folks, what are your favorite horror soundtracks? Gimmie something nice to listen too while I puzzle out how to rewire the front lawn display. With any luck, I'll have to posts for you all next week.

Candlemass Bewitched Video Review.

Holidays are a time for music. For many such a concept is solely represented by the usual Bing Crosby or Nat King Cole Christmas fare, but that's not the kind of merrymaking I'm here to talk about. This isn't the time for songs of goodwill and cheer. No sir, this is the time for ballads of dark magic and blood sacrifice. If Halloween had one specific musical genre to call its own, most assuredly it'd be metal. From classic power metal like Helloween to the modern posturing of Ghost, the genre falls right in line with the style of the season. That's why today we'll be spending our time checking out the fun and bad in all the right ways video for the Candlemass classic, Bewitched.

Now I'm no musical historian, so I won't pretend to know the history behind Candlemass its musicians. I had never even heard of the group until a few years ago when some drunken Youtube browsing brought them to my attention. I was in love from the start for reasons you'll hopefully soon understand. Over time the video evolved from an occasional diversion, to family running gag, and eventually a Halloween staple. The damn thing even served as my text alert for a time, warning me of work. Now let's see if we can make it a part of your yearly celebrations as well.

The video begins with a woman running away from one of the least classy funeral processions I've ever witnessed. I mean one of the pallbearers is practically having a smoke break. I guess this could illustrate just how badass these guys are, but it's probably just a goof as the cigarette quickly disappears. I suppose it was a necessary stress reducer during multiple takes of pretending to strain under the weight of a fake coffin. Upon reaching their destination, that is conspicuously lacking a hole in which to to place the coffin, we find they are at the already desecrated headstone of one Messiah Marcolin. Who's that you ask?

That's Messiah Marcolin! A frizzy haired, melodramatic, pantomiming dark metal jester who refuses to stay dead. His sudden outburst from beyond the grave sends his funeral crew scurrying like future man before hyper-intelligent apes. Can you guess what Messiah gets up to fresh outta the pit? Bewitching people of course. Lucky for him the surrounding area is almost entirely populated by metalheads who fail to notice the caterwauling warlock in their midst.

Soon enough, Marcolin attempts his witchery on the pretty girl who was previously seen fleeing in terror from his funeral procession. Didn't she have an inkling something like this might happen? Could she have perhaps left the area? Or at least warn some of the other victims in advance? These mysteries must wait for another day as she is soon bewitched.

His hypnotized army gathered together at last, Messiah takes stock of his victims during the extended guitar solo. What evil plan could he possibly have in mind? Will the streets soon run red with blood of innocents in some dark ritual from forgotten eons? Could the thin veil of reality be torn asunder by this accursed platoon of the newly damned? In reality the armada of black sorcery commences stomping towards the warlocks coffin where he returns to his unholy rest. Sounds like a bit of a let down but watching it is always a delight.

Essentially this whole music video boils down to being a crazy cheap horror flick about a corpse so disappointed with its own funeral that it rises to enchant people into partying. It's like Nightmare on Elm Street if Freddy simply wanted kids to dance the cabbage patch. Of course there's also a good amount of fog machine enhanced live performance footage sprinkled throughout the tale. Not as entertaining as the core narrative but you won't hear me complaining about the opportunity to see 80's era metalheads party till they puke.

Seems blogger won't let me include the video itself but it's not difficult to find. I highly recommend taking the nearly seven minutes out of your day. Gotta tell you there are multiple wonderful little extras that I haven't even touched on in this article. After surviving your viewing, be fine peopleand show it to your friends, have them share it with their family, and ever outward. Let's make Bewitched the White Christmas of pumpkin craving time. I must also thank giphy for helping to add some flair to this post. They run a good ship.

That's all for today, kiddies. Come back soon for....honestly not sure. That's the fun of this season. I could be doing simple candy reviews or writing a guide on how to make decorative blood vomiting spiders. TTFN.

CosmicSparky's LP Stash.

Like most anybody from the first world, I began amassing music during my teens, late teens in this case. It wasn't the largest selection, primarily due to my notoriously picky nature, but boy was it ever solid. Of course poverty prevailed and one day those CD's were sold off to a nearby record store that at least had the good form to stroke my ego by praising the quality of my music selection. After that came years of lackluster downloads, and haphazard file organization. I began to miss the days when music was something to take a little pride in, so recently I wondered down the rabbit hole of getting into vinyl records. I'll tell ya, it's not a tough hobby to get started, albeit with a few potential pitfalls and some misinformation floating around. I figured it would be a fine time to start sharing some tips I've learned thus far and maybe start doing some coverage of the hobby as a recurring feature.

When I decided to look into a record collection, few things could have prepared me for the onslaught of crazy I was about to uncover. Turns out a good deal of record collectors are a truly nutty and superstitious lot. Of course like any other group there are some with more sensible outlooks. Still; there's an alarming amount of misinformation and half-truths floating around, seemingly in a sad attempt to keep the hobby feeling like an exclusive club.

Case in point, there are claims that inexpensive turntables will ruin your LP's. This is something of a half-truth. When it comes to those cheapo Crossley players I've heard legitimate, sensible explanations of how they could damage a disk. On the other hand, I've seen those same claims leveled at decent tables simply because they don't cost a months rent. Certainly it's a good idea to get as nice a player as possible but it's still totally possible to spend less than a hundred on a table and be just fine.

Even some positive reviews can make inaccurate claims. For instance, I eventually went with the Audio Technica LP60 as it is supposedly the overall best starter turntable. One favorable review of the item stated a flaw that the arm didn't automatically lift when done playing a side. As you might imagine I waited rather impatiently during my first time and guess what, the arm lifts and returns to it's rest every damn time, so why the misinformation?

Another of the big conflicts among record folk is colored vinyl. Many claim that colored vinyl has inferior sound compared to the standard black. However, I've yet to find anyone attempt an actual scientific test of this theory. Beyond that, the so-called proof of lower sound quality is a hiss, a phenomenon prevalent to all LP's due to varying amounts of static charge which can be taken care of by various means. As someone with a mix of black and colored releases, the most notable difference so far has been due to the audio master used for each release. Even on a single release, static hiss can change from one disk to another. My colored double LP of the Flower soundtrack has very noticeable static hiss on the first disc yet the second is as pure and wonderful as a purring kitten.

The biggest issue with all the different dramatic claims is the added difficulty in sussing out useful and trustworthy information. One area where there seems to be almost universal accuracy is the need for better record sleeves. Even with my fairly small collection I've already encountered several releases with god awful paper sleeves that leave bits of papery shit all over the LP. You can guess how happy the stylus is when it hits those leftovers during play. This is one area where you should totally listen to enthusiasts. A good number of them introduced me to Diskeeper Audiophile Sleeves and no joke, these things are incredible. They cut down on dust and static while making it easier to access all of my disks. A pack of 50 costs about as much as a new record but it's more than worth it.

So let's say that like me you want to get into nice physical music, but can't spend a ton. Let's look at what I picked up to give you an idea of a very basic set-up.

Turntable wise I bought the Audio Technica LP60, that companies entry level model. It's a solid piece of equipment all around, plays well, can handle two different LP sizes and speeds, plus a built in phono pre-amp which makes it crazy easy to hook up to speakers and start listening. There are a few issues however. The unit lacks a volume switch of any kind meaning you must rely solely on speakers with volume control. Also, it lacks most of the customizing options of higher end gear which means if you end up wanting something better you'll have to drop cash for a whole new machine. Honestly I'm enjoying the new hobby enough so far that I almost wished I'd opted for the next model up but this is still a good way to get started and it's easy to get for less than a hundred bucks.

Unless you're the sort who leaves sound equipment laying around, you'll need speakers. All we had in excess were some crazy cheap twelve dollar computer speakers which as you might imagine were horrid. Similar to the turntable I didn't want to destroy my bank account to get decent sound, especially since living conditions prevent complex set-ups and high volume. Thankfully I found out about Edifier. By all indications, these should be terrible. I mean we're talking about hundred dollar electronics straight outta China. After reading and viewing a stream of glowing reviews though I decided to give em a chance. Man have I ever been impressed. Once again, there's certainly a better option out there for someone with more room and cash but for a standard bedroom listener these offer surprising depth and clarity, and I haven't even begin to test the limits of their volume which is supposedly quite high.

Of course none of the means much without some tunes and that's where the real fun, and occasional frustration lie. Few hobbies offer such a wealth of content options from new releases, to rare special editions, and ancient thrift store finds. Yet even with that wealth of choice there's still some releases that will drive you crazy because of limited print runs, or finding out that one of your old favorites never hit the format. Then there's the harsh truth that albums with only two or three songs you love, simply aren't worth the effort. Vinyl is a format that promotes listening to the entire album, so be sure to get stuff that's at least 90% quality tracks.

If you're willing to go through all the work to get the equipment, some LP's, a spot to stash it all, then you get to have the real fun. I won't pretend this is a superior form of musical performance. Files are infinitely more portable and functional, not to mention a high level format like flac could potentially blow vinyl out of the water. That said, there's a comfort to the multiple step process it takes to turn on my gear, get out the Superfly soundtrack and relax. It makes listening to music an event again, and that was something I was really missing. I plan to extend that feeling into major events as well, playing horror movie soundtracks around Halloween or busting out holiday standards come Christmas Eve with the family.

And that's the newest hobby to worm its way into my bank account. I suppose that's the advantage of being a 30 odd year old without kids. I'm allowed to try new things. Plus it makes for a fine way to stay indoors and dodge the heat of summer. From here on out I'll occasionally post reviews on specialty labels, stores, accessories, and the like. Have any of you caught the record bug? Like to share any tips or info for a post? Drop a line.