Summer 93 Summer Free VHS Review

Once in a great while life bestows us with the most mystical and valuable of items; free VHS tapes that some thoughtless person left behind. Maybe those will never be words of wisdom on a inspirational calendar but the fun-factor of forgotten media is truly priceless, moreso when nobody charges you for it. Twice in recent months I’ve been lucky enough to stumble across some very interesting tapes in a display of free VHS at a local thrift store. One will come in a few weeks as we transition to the Halloween countdown. The other serves as something of a farewell to summertime. Today I want to take you back to the summer of 1993 when dinosaurs roamed the earth, Harrison Ford was on the run, and Arnold Schwarzenegger dealt with the ramifications of a magic movie ticket. We’re talking about the same season that introduced kids to Power Rangers which makes me feel profoundly old. Our topic for today is a bit different than all those explosive adventures as we’re going to look at a promotional tape called Summer '93 Summer Free which is meant as a promotional item to showcase hit songs from CCM-TV.

What is CCM you might ask? According to research it was a christian music program that aired Saturday nights on the Family Channel before it mutated into Fox Family, ABC Family, and settled on Freeform. Can’t say as I have any concrete memories of the show but given that it was on during my years of youthful television obsession it’s very likely I saw chunks of it. Despite noting the program on the packaging and in some adverts this tape doesn’t bother to include any hosted segments opting instead for a dozen “hit” videos of that season along with a few commercials.

It should probably be noted, in case it wasn’t obvious from everything I do, that I am not a christian. If anything the closet thing to religion in my life likely resembles the vengeance prayer from Conan the Barbarian.

 Sure I was bought up going to church but none of that stuck and I enjoy mocking tacky faith-based entertainment to the fullest extent. Question was whether this tape would provide a perfect smorgasbord of corny crap to mock. The answer is somehow both a surprising no and an overwhelming yes at the same time.

Let's elaborate on the surprise factor. For a good chunk of this decade when working my handyman shelter jobs I toiled alongside a guy who listened to modern christian radio which is akin to pouring sulfuric acid in your ear. I'm talking flaccid bullshit lyrics and limp compositions that maintain a fine balance of ignorant and offensive subject matter. As if to to fully showcase what a different era the early 90s were, nearly half of the videos on this tape deal with more universal concepts that apply to everyone instead of sticking to the religious base. It's downright shocking at times to see pleasant humanist messages tossed into the mix. Don't let this worry you too much though, I'll still find things to snark at.

Speaking of more universal themes this tape kicks off with the rap of D. C. Talk as they go on about ending segregation and racism. Here I am rubbing my hands together in anticipation of something truly awful only to meet with perfectly agreeable notions. To make things even stranger my nephew pitched in the critique that “as far as christian rap goes, I've heard worse.” Sure there were white dudes with bad haircuts and overalls planing to overthrow racism with Jesus along with usage of that always troublesome phrase “god's army.” Plus somebody does the classic drawn out “yeahhhh boyyyyy!” and while I could make fun of that it'd just be more cynical than anything. It's cheesy, dated, and a bit too peaceful given the serious subject matter but it wasn't totally offensive to the ears or mind.

It became clear that the first half of this tape couldn't be covered on a case by case basis as, at worst, the songs were just unbearably corny. That being said a few recurring themes began to emerge such as band members resembling b-movie stars. In one group the singer resembled like the unholy union of Tommy Wiseau and Wings Hauser. Yet another singer looked like Matt Hannon of Samurai Cop fame only skinny and clearly not built to slaughter yakuza goons by the truckload. I'll consider it a mercy that none of these guys looked like Robert Z'Dar.

Another recurring element that arrived in around the third video was abandoned factories. This phenomenon wasn't solely contained to christian music mind you, for some reason every record label under the sun had an old factory strictly for the purpose of having guys in wife beaters and unbuttoned dress shirts dance around in them. To a certain extent I can't blame them. Time spent guarding an abounded glass factory taught me that impromptu dancing in puddles of rain water is a legitimate source of entertainment. Music videos wisely leave out the part where you get bored and start urinating in all the loading docks.

More surprises came with further videos such as one stressing the importance of PDA, which yes they meant showing godly love and such. Yet even as one of the lesser offerings in the portion of the tape the general concept spreading love and not being a total asshole to people is solid. Let's note that this is the same religion that earlier this decade gave us the side-splittingly awful Christian Side-Hug because, ya know, regular hugs are kinda dirty what with all the pelvic action. This was actually a thing, look it up if you don't believe me, I'll be here when you get back.

Moving further down the rabbit hole brings items like a remake of God Gave Rock and Roll yo You preformed by some headbangers alongside a trio of rappers. Both halves are semi-decent and they're covering a song that at the time was most recently done by KISS for Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey. The video after that sampled Al Green's Let's Stay Together re-framed for families who break apart. It's as if people had some slim amount of taste.

Within the first seven videos there's nothing really all that despicable. Probably the worst song of the bunch is about friendship and it's greatest crime is bearing so disgustedly positive as to potentially cause diabetes. Where was the off-key singing? Where were the lyrics that resembled oral favors for an imaginary friend? Where were the worrying mentions of evil outsiders? Sure I wouldn't break these songs out at a party but they were a far cry from the wretched shit I'd hear pouring out of my co-workers radio. Eventually some of that awfulness began to slip through.

At roughly three or four points in the tape we break for some advertisements. There's one for the CCM Magazine, a few odd hype spots for upcoming solo albums by different girls complete with glamour shots involving old barns and blossom hats, then there was the sweet spot. An ad for a young christian study bible thingy with sections about facing real world problems like necking, abortion, and from the look of it, dinosaurs. This must have been when churches started creating weird workarounds for the whole dinosaur part of history. It's weird but for all the wacky uptight shit my old church did I never recalled them having an issue with thunder lizards. Perhaps they were too concerned with condemning everyone for anything to even bother with how a triceratops fits into the bible.

With the eighth music video everything started to shift. The cliches and horrors normally associated with christian music began to show their ugly faces. Boring white guys standing on the beach staring at nothing... check. Women who are somehow both childlike and ancient spinning in meadows carrying on about nonsense... you better believe it. Guys who are clearly making too much money off this racket and not returning anywhere near enough of it to the world... you bet your bippy. This was the sort of tacky crap I recall as the general image of religious music back then yet even these were often more forgettable than revolting. Even the videos veered towards the dull and uninspired with folks leaning on objects and looking soulfully at the horizon. One video did get me chuckling a bit with this singer and guitarist married duo. She'd flail about this old house while he eyeballed her and played his instrument. The whole thing played out like one of those old thrillers where somebody's trying to make a girl go crazy in order to steal her inheritance. That video doesn't seem to exist online making this tape a true artifact.

Sure enough the tone and subject matter had changed from universal concepts like being a decent person or standing by your family to lifting up the ego of their creator and giving him credit for everything in life, I think he even did the dishes at one point. This was the sort of stuff made strictly for established followers. No effort was made to reach out on the fronts of musical accomplishment or lyrical substance for anyone who wasn't already aboard the god train. Even so this wasn't what I picked up the tape for. I wanted something hilariously absurd in how dated and out of touch it could be in equal measure. The sort of thing that even a true blue god wad could look at and say “that stinks.” Way at the back of the tape when all hope seemed lost, my dream came true.

This is the Life by Phillips, Craig, and Dean is so terrible it must be fattening. A thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters could work for years and never craft a write up worthy of this nonsense. We have the three whitest men to ever walk the earth clad in their best tacky sweaters preforming dance moves that would make rigor mortis seem smooth. The setting and theme of the video is them doing wacky antics in gift and bible store. If you're wondering what constitutes wacky in such a place it's rowdy activities like playing monopoly in the kids corner, placing their CD in front of competing bands, or putting om impromptu puppet shows for no one in particular. It all gets a bit weird when they start forcing their CD on unsuspecting customers. What message could possibly go along with these visuals? Life is best when devoted to Christ. The response to any criticism towards that statement? We're right, you're wrong. Mix all this shit in a blender and let it roll for close to four minutes. Viewing this brought a wave of hushed horror over the small audience of my living. This is what I was looking for during the whole tape; pure unadulterated garbage. At last I was satisfied.

With a final round of repeat ads the tape was over. It's such a strange relic of the time it that it seemingly showcase two directions christian music could have leaned towards. One that was more secular and all-encompassing or another that was full of embarrassing mantras for the already initiated. From my experience it seems that the latter camp sadly won the popular vote.

And so, my journey with dated religious tunes was at an end. I've since found that looking up CCM-TV still nabs you christian media only it's from India. Why is it every time I bring home something free from the thrift store I learn the weirdest shit about the world? Still this tape seemed like a good way to ease out of summertime. Around these parts kids will be going back to school next week and pumpkin spice products will soon clutter the aisles. Even I'll thank god for that.