Weird Old Comics: Dark Wolf The Hellwarrior

 

    Been on something of a comic binge for months now. Why I’ve dug through the likes of late 90s Deadpool, mid 70s Daredevil, some top tier Superman work, and Dan Slot’s lovely run on She-Hulk. As I’ve been going through these trades and omnis I remembered an item I picked up precisely for its blog potential. And seeing as I’ve no other clue how to send out the month of January we might as well take a look at it together.

    Way back in the summer of 2019 which, properly calculated against the length of 2020, was about 37 years ago I spent a blisteringly hot summer afternoon visiting antique stores. Might as well provide a link for that old post here and let it be known that a day of extensive antiquing is my number one to-do once I’m fully loaded with vaccine. Among the odd assortment of items brought back from that adventure was an ashcan comic called Dark Wolf The Hellwarrior. No that’s not a typo I believe hellwarrior is actually one word in this situation. Not only did I think this might make for decent blog fodder but I’d honestly never heard the term ashcan comic before and knew I wouldn’t remember to look it up later without this as a reminder. Apparently the original usage of Ashcan comics was to make a quick, low-quality, printed item to stake a claim on character rites. Later on this practice evolved as a means of advertising or providing special issues. This adds a neat wrinkle to the history of this particular book later on.

    Digging into the origins of this thing ended up being almost more interesting than the comic itself. Finding the character was not only a little difficult but some databases didn’t even have the credits for who wrote or drew the damn thing let alone exact publishing dates. The introductory page said claimed it was the work of Butch Burcham but even that turned out to be something of a dead-end at first as the man now goes by his proper name of F. Newton Burcham.

    Eventually I got almost everything roughly sorted out. As far as I can gleam the character was created by Burcham when he was still a teenager but there was nothing widely available until Burcham teamed-up with writer R. A. Jones and had a couple small volumes published in the late 1980s, one through Malibu and another through Eternity. At that point it seems Eternity operated much like Virtigo did for DC (or Epic for Marvel) in that it was the label for off-beat creator owned material, imports, and more mature fare. This ashcan is from the early 1990s so I can only assume it was meant either as a means for Burcham to double-down his claim to the character or to use as an advertisement to other companies to gauge interest. Whatever the reason I can find nothing more recent for Dark Wolf than the two ashcan issues.

    So what happened to these guys? R. A. Jones has worked for the big publishers on rare occasion, there’s a Captain American and Wolverine mini-series from the early 2000s but he seems to have had a fairly small career in the industry. Much the same could be said of Burcham who has a smattering of issues devoted to his own characters. I found a loose trail of his actions over the years as he’s quite big on selling commissioned artwork, he ran a few small but successful kickstarters, even found his ebay profile. I wanna mention one thing about his stash of characters though. Sure he’s got a curvaceous jungle queen, and the wonderfully ridiculous Stargators, but nothing stands up to the one piece of his work I must track down… Dober-man. A mutated, man sized, totally jacked, doberman who fights the evils of the world like ninjas and hippies. Oh and, believe it or not, hippies are a continuing theme for this post.

    Enough beating around the bush. Who is Dark Wolf and what makes him a Hellwarrior? For that matter what is a Hellwarrior? I hope you have the answer cause I just read this thing and I have no clue. The first few pages of the comic are printed in a seemingly stamped red ink and showcase a battle in a savage setting. All the fools we first see cutting into each-other are quickly slaughtered by our man Dark Wolf. Massacring soldiers by the score must work up quite the hunger cause we finish the scene with DW ripping a mans heart out and chowing down.

    Flash-forward… or sideways, it’s not made entirely clear, but we flash to a modern U.S. city circa early 1990s comics. Given the behavior on display I wouldn’t be surprised if it were Times Square in the 70s. One racial stereotype offers crude sexual advances on a likely sex worker who beats his ass… and not in the way you pay for. This earns her the admiration of a ditsy young girl who soon starts on her way back home.

    At home we meet the parents who are seeking to recreate Woodstock in their apartment. Ok maybe I’m just missing something and their just making the banners or something. Either way they feel the copies must be 100% accurate as the fate of the world is tied up in this new Woodstock. Their work is soon interrupted though lucky for them not by Dober-Man, who as we know hates hippies. Nah these are just some garden variety thugs here to scare the couple away along with threats of turning out their daughter. Scare tactics complete the baddies return to their hideout where a shadowy evil figure commands them to step their game up.

    Later that day… night? Week? The passage of time is somewhat in question. The daughter is playing arcade games while hanging out with her new prostitute role-model who just lured the kid out so the thugs could deal with the hippie parents. The girl runs back home to find her parents severed heads with mocking statementss of peace & love smeared across the wall in their own blood. Quite a step up from intimidation huh? The girl soon finds The Book of La, a magic tome she claims belonged to her mother, though it could just be a travel guide for L. A. Kid takes some time, lord knows how much, to conduct a summing spell and whamo! Dark Wolf is at her beck and call and he’s brought his apatite.

    While I can’t say enjoyed Dark Wolf all that much or learned what a hellwarrior is exactly I can’t help but feel the character may have fared better just a few years later. As 90s comics took on ever more obnoxious shapes the notion of anti-heroes and demonic enforcers were big sellers be it purely mystical like Spawn or sci-fi goobery like Venom. Even though this book doesn’t provide much to judge the full capabilities of Burcham the guy clearly had an idea of where the medium was headed.

    For my sake I get something of a giggle outta owning this thing. It’s not an item I’ll return to for reading purposes. Instead it reminds me of those clearly fake comic books that pop up in shows and movies but it’s somehow totally legit. Best of all it gave me a small mission in life. Tracking down issue one of Dober-Man. God I gotta have that book.

[REC] Series Review

 

    Recently I’ve taken up the challenge of writing at least a little bit everyday. The results have varied wildly in quality to be honest. There’s pieces of upcoming articles, reference pages for my book, and some shit that may very well never see the light of day. Problem is those January blahs, and frequent naps, are making it tough to zero in on any one topic. That changes tonight however as I’m very much in scary mood. Some recent purchases along with the discovery of an unaccounted for multi-feature set have me just one title away from a collection of twelve-hundred horror movies. Plus I just finished a series I’d been meaning to watch for years. So let’s celebrate, indulge a bit you might say. None of that double-feature stuff or taking one at a time, nah, let’s just discuss the [REC] series in full.

    The [REC] franchise is primarily a found-footage affair made in Spain by directors Paco Plaza (Veronica) and Jaume Balaguero (Darkness) who direct the first two movies together before tackling further entries individually. You may be familiar with the American remake and its own sequel under the title Quarantine, though I don’t see many people mention them anymore as they’re too new for nostalgia and too old for click-bait. From 2007 through 2014 both branches of the franchise amount to six films though I’m mostly gonna focus on the four Spanish films for now save for some comparison to the first film.

    The set-up for the first movie is clean and straight-forward. A reporter named Angela has a program where she follows the night shift of various professions, showcasing what happens when most of the populace is cozy in their beds. Her current episode focuses on firefighters, a pair of whom she follows into an apartment building to deal with an apparently sick old lady. Turns out the old dame is more of a rage zombie and before anyone has a chance to figure things out the building is put-on lock-down while everyone struggles to survive against a growing population of zombie-like monsters.

    By and large [REC] lives up to the hype set for it over the years. It’s well-made, fast-paced, entertainment from the early days of the found-footage craze that is now mostly dead. There are a few drawbacks of course, characterization is minimal at best, there are times when it’s hard to believe someone would keep filming (a found-footage mainstay). Still; I don’t feel the need to elaborate much on this one since it’s just really solid viewing.

    For my sake there was fun in seeing what differences there where between this and the remake which I haven’t watched in quite a few years. Overall there isn’t much different between the two films, even Angela’s wardrobe is the same. The key differences are the ending, which is mostly the same but presents a different source for the infection, and the characterization of Angela. Going off memory for the comparison she feels more crass, opportunistic, and self-serving in the original whereas her American counterpart seems a bit more naive and caring. The general consensus is that the original is better but just going off memory I’m not 100% sure that’s the case. My memory of the remake is that it’s also a well-made scare fest and little bit longer so now I’m eager to hit up the U.S. flicks for a full comparison.

    Two years after the original, and one after the remake, Paco and Balaguero returned for a direct sequel. And when I say direct do I ever mean it. [Rec] 2 picks up on the same night as the first movie and follows a strike-team into the building for a special mission. The team themselves don’t know what they’re getting into but they are actually escorting a priest who hopes to find the means of creating an anti-virus and better understanding the nature of evil. The creators double-down on the demonic possession hints from the first movie and swing straight into exorcist mode here. The rage zombies can talk in different voices, are scared of crosses and holy water, can be tortured by the rites of exorcism. Essentially the series stepped away from the 28 Days Later aesthetic and closer to Lambarto Bava’s Demons series.

    Rather than stay centered on the strike-team the movie changes perspective around the halfway point to some teenagers who follow a couple of guys into the building through the sewers. While it’s a nice way to change up the pace of the film most of these characters have little to no baring on the story. In fact, some of them are just outright forgotten about, though I’ve heard there’s a comic that covers their absence. Thing’s seem primed to get back on track for the third act with the return of elements from the first movie but then everything gets bogged down by some unnecessary novelty involving stuff that is only visible in the dark.

    That last paragraph probably makes it seem like I’m coming down on [REC] 2 but it’s actually a really good follow-up. The pacing and intensity of the first film are maintained, the story is expanded, and the ending sets up more entries yet could still serve as a proper final. Plus the headcams make for some interesting new camera angles and make the constant filming feel more realistic. That being said there are still enough loose threads like the teenagers or the final set-piece that hold the movie back from achieving greatness. Plus if you don’t care for Catholicism and exorcism stuff then those elements might not settle well. Still a very good sequel despite a few misgivings.

    A few more years pass, along with a straight to DVD American sequel, before the directors decide to split the next two entries up with Paco Plaza handling part three all by himself. I’d heard all sorts of bad about [REC] 3: Genesis, most of it aimed at a supposed shift towards screwball Evil Dead style comedy. Was there any truth to these criticism? Sort of. It’s a bad movie for sure, just not the one I was promised.

    The third entry actually starts off halfway decent. We’re still viewing everything from handheld cameras recording a wedding ceremony. The tone is intentionally lighter and corny but that tracks given the setting. Given a few clues we find that this is actually happening on the same day as the first two flicks, making the genesis moniker feel a bit misleading, but we end up with a separate outbreak at the wedding reception. A change in venue isn’t all that’s in order as the camera is broken about twenty-minutes in resulting in a shift to a traditional movie. Things start to spiral from there.

    While the infected from previous movies were fast, vicious, and still maintained enough knowledge to occasionally use weapons they’ve suddenly shifted to be more like classic zombies. Some of them run around like madmen while others slowly lurch about accomplishing very little. The demonic aspect is trimmed back slightly but they’re still paralyzed by Catholic antics. Plus there’s a new bit where reflections show the true host of the demon which not only fails to trick with the previous movies but doesn’t line-up properly near the end either. Throw in a larger environment and a tendency for the infected to just disappear for a while and the threat level is vastly lowered. There’s not even much gore for that matter.

    So what else does the movie have to offer? Not much in all honesty. Characters are horribly underdeveloped with the movie routinely stopping to remind us just how much the newlyweds love each-other which gets into this annoying fatalistic love-story bullshit. Our new lead, Clara is not all that compelling. The humor is pretty bland. The musical score bounces between generic and downright awful. Oh and those Evil Dead moments I’d heard so much about? There’s only a couple of em and they feel limp and out of place among all the dramatic slowmo shots and declarations of love.

    [REC] 3 is absolutely a failure bit it isn’t some sudden left turn into comedy that’s to blame. Frankly it’s the complete inability to decide to do much of anything. It’s a largely generic zombie flick with empty characters, bland filmmaking, and remarkably little gore or scares. The whole thing doesn’t even reach the level of being so bad that it’s kinda fun, just a limp lame flick that I actually hate a little more every time I look back on it.

    Balaguero takes the reins for [REC] 4: Apocalypse which has a better reputation than part 3, albeit a muted one. Much as I like to avoid spoilers the poster itself shows that Angela returns for this final outing marking the first step to correct the third films failings by returning to the main story. Knowing all this going in along with the fact that this one also leaves the found-footage angle behind I was really curious about what this final film had to offer.

    Picking up right after the ending of the second film we find a small demolition team sent in to destroy the apartment building and rescue any survivors. They find find Angela at the last minute and things flash-forward to a cargo ship at sea. Some scientists want to keep the demo guys, Angela, and an old lady who survived the wedding away from the mainland population while they research and seek to find a cure for the illness. For her sake, Angela seems to have forgotten most of what happened at the apartment building though the audience has some reason not to fully trust her. We spend about a half-hour meeting the new cast and getting accustomed to the setting before shit naturally hits the fan.

    Watching [REC] 4 I was amazed at how much better it was than part 3. Characters are still pretty flat but they’re still more fleshed out than those of 3, or 2 for that matter. The setting and cinematography bring back the claustrophobia and intensity of the earlier installments. There’s more gore, some interesting additions to the line-up of infected, and even a who can we trust aspect like The Thing. It takes the series in a new direction without losing sight of what made it work in the first place.

    So why the muted reception then? Well I think that comes down to a sudden shift in franchise lore. After two films building up the demonic possession angle, Balaguero throws all that shit out the window. Save for the last shot of the second film and the old lady the middle entries are almost entirely ignored in favor of a more scientific approach to these events. So if you’re a fan of the demon aspect and the flavor it added to the series I’m sure it’d be damn frustrating to watch. For my sake I was so happy to have a decent movie again that I didn’t really care. The ending is a bit blah, the fairly standard left open for another sequel approach but it feels mostly finished at least.

    I’m giving the series as a whole a fairly strong recommendation. The first two are an excellent back-to-back viewing experience and the fourth ain’t so bad either. I’d say avoid the third but it ends up making part four feel all the better so that’s on you. I’m definitely gonna take some time in the next month to revisit the remake and finally check out the U.S. sequel so we’ll circle back to this topic in a few weeks. Right now all this monster talk has made me powerful hungry.

Snack Report: January 2021

 

    With the shining veneer of possibility of a new year all our favorite junk-food dealers are rolling out the red carpet for hordes of new items. I suppose the hope is that vaccines and new government will bring about a return to the good old days of raiding convenience stores at 3 AM for the latest fix. I’m certainly game for such old-fashioned activities but even with our current stay-at-home lifestyle there’s still plenty of options for packing on the pounds resulting in today's massive slate of items to mark our first snack report of 2021. Seriously; there’s an obscene amount of stuff to talk about so let's dive right in.

Dunkaroos cereal

    A cherished brand for glutinous children of the 90s, Dunkaroos have been returning and expanding within the past year (I think there’s even a yogurt version on the way). Can’t deny the original roos hold a special place in my clotted arteries. Few actions were quite as soothing as clearing out the remainder of frosting with a swirl of the finger and having no concern for how perverse you might look sucking on your pinky for the following two-minutes. Could a cereal ever hope to replicate such ecstasy?

    Dunkaroos cereal is no substitute for the real deal. Instead it’s another entry into the arena of cookie breakfasts and, like many of the others, is something of a mixed bag. There’s very little smell save for a vague vanilla-ish sweetness. The texture veers ever so slightly into insulation territory but not so far as to be disgusting. The flavor itself is actually very lite. I mean it’s downright gentle and easy to whoof down. If anything it trends more towards sugar cookie with a shitload of sprinkles than it does hefty helpings of frosting. As a bonefide sprinkle junkie I appreciate that but as a translation of one snack into a new form it misses the mark. Still; I’d recommend it for those who want a more restrained sugary cereal or fellow sprinkle obsesses.

Java Chip Oreo

    Oreo kicked off the year with not one, not two, but three new flavors all at once. Sadly yours truly cannot have one of them as hazelnuts lead to sweaty madness. Thankfully the other two are right up my alley, beginning with java chip. Pretty basic concept here with coffee flavored cream and lil chocolate bits so it looks like grounds. As a fan of all those things I have to say the execution is a little disappointing.

    The smell isn’t half bad. Sort of a nice coffee aroma with a hint of artificial funk. That artificial element creeps in all the more on the flavor front though. As always I tackled these three different ways. Dry was easily the worst as the taste seemed almost dirty, closer to a coffee candle than coffee itself. Milk helped out a bit by cutting the strength but coffee dipping was the clear winner. By combining the fake and real coffee flavors you end up with something much better than the cookie itself. Not a great Oreo but an alright novelty. Let’s put it this way. In a house where new Oreo flavors often vanish within a day or two, these have been around for about five days. They’re being eaten but not at the usual pace. Mileage is gonna very for sure.

Brookie-o Oreo

    Now these were the newsmakers of the new Oreo trio. A triple-stuff with three different creams brookie-o are really something to behold. The smell is fittingly overpowering, practically reeking of diabetes. The sheer vision of these massively loaded cookie monstrosities is an experience in itself. Can Oreo balance so many flavors though?

    In a rare instance I think dry may be the optimal method for eating this particular cookie. Given the sheer amount of cream neither milk nor coffee can really take charge. And seeing as each weakens the cookies they actually offset the flavor balance. Even dry these aren’t a total knockout. I’d say they’re better than average but the cookie dough cream is too fake tasting and stronger than its neighbors. Not being a brookie-o person I can’t say whether this an accurate replication or not. What I can say is these are tasty, more so than Java Chip, but not totally up to the upper reaches of the Oreo realm. Overall I’d say they’re worthwhile.

Lay’s Game Day Chili Potato Chips

    Thankfully somebody out there remembered to produce something for that unofficial holiday known as the superbowl. Admittedly football is a pretty wide topic to theme foodstuffs around but chili feels fitting. I’m a bit disappointed in the presentation. It’s the usual clear and clean Lay’s design but there’s just not enough thematic elements on display. Still; the eating experience is what really matters and these babies deliver on that front like crazy. Rather appropriately these taste nothing like classy homemade chili. No sir, this is the trashy canned stuff with just a lil too much onion powder. Best of all, despite the fiery red appearance, they’re spicy without being hot, a rare balance. Regardless of how you plan to spend super Sunday a bag of these should absolutely be part of the equation.

Mtn Dew Major Melon

    Not to be outdone by the likes of Oreo, the folks at Dew created a major addition o their line-up, major melon that is. Much as I wish they would’ve taken the Japanese route and gone with cantaloupe or honeydew (how fitting would that be?) they opted for watermelon. The results are somehow both predictable and surprising. Predictable because the stuff tastes like liquefied jolly ranchers. The surprise pops in when you realize they managed to tone the flavor down just enough to keep it refreshing and palatable through the whole bottle. Never once do you get a gunky build-up or the feeling that this candy water is simply too much. A nice, solid soda all around. And honestly the neon coloring is just another notch in its favor. I don’t hold this in the same high regard as something like Frostbite but it has an edge over the likes of White Out and maybe even Voltage. Good stuff.

Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pie Cereal

    Once in a while you see a product that creates a break in the clouds and urges angels to sing its praise. Suddenly the number one item on your bucket list is to buy that shit. Such was my revelatory feeling upon first seeing news about this cereal. The oatmeal crème pie is iconic for good reason, it’s fucking delicious. And while I’m not adverse to starting my day with snack cakes paired with coffee some of you out there prefer the illusion of a proper breakfast.

    Something like this asks to be evaluated on two fronts. Not only must we consider the item itself but whether it successfully marks the transition of a snack to a new form. On the latter front these are mostly successful. It’s not an exact one to one but there’s enough of the familiar flavor to satisfy while still being unique. The flavor never veers too far into the oatmeal or crème directions and the texture is excellent both dry and in milk. Plus the powdered crème really adds something to the milk. Very pleased with these and hopeful that society is one step closer to Swiss Creme Roll cereal.

Ritz Cheese Crispers (Four Cheese & Herb flavor)

    We’re moving back in time a little now towards some late-fall/early-winter fare. To start things off we’ve got the newest line of Ritz crackers that feel like their direct response to the snapped variety from cheez-it. Of course that’s like taking on Zeus so you can’t really blame Ritz if they fall a little short of the competition. In execution these feel like what any of those weird cheese crisps found at high-end stores wish they were. I’ve only had the four cheese & herb variety and they’re really satisfying. Got a good crunch, clean taste. I hope they stick around.

Nerds Gummy Clusters

    Discovered these in the check-out aisle recently and was dammed if I’d let em slip under the radar. The concept is simple yet excessive. Take a gummy and surround it with Nerds candy. It’s a tart and oddly satisfying bit of edible Frankenstein science whose success rests with the gummy portion being just the right consistency to work with the crunchy coating. Honestly you can probably judge on sight alone if these are gonna be any good for you, some people simply don’t like the idea of freaky candy warts. If you’re ok with the idea then these are a decent way to spice up a night.

Coca-Cola Tic Tacs

    Nothing says fresh breath quite like sugary cola and Tic Tac is here to prove it. Ok so the brand has been steadily moving away from their origins as tiny breath mints towards full-on candy but as a fan of the orange ones I don’t hold it against them. Much like the majority of these items these are ok, not sterling, just alright. They’ve got more of a generic cola taste, no need for the official coke license. There’s is an abundance of that carbonated candy element that sends these close to the root bear barrel camp.

Sugar Cookie and Fudge Brownie M&M’s

    Two holiday offerings from M&M’s that honestly didn’t prove to be very memorable. Fudge brownie was decent if not all that different from just plan old chocolate. Sugar cookie was more unique but couldn’t hold up for longterm snacking. Neither were failures but I’d like to see the brand mix up seasonal flavors with more of their regular varieties like doing the fudge brownie with pretzel or peanut.

Sunny-D Liquid Center Gummies

    Another of those surprise items that came home from the dollar store (along with a good stash of cheap movies). Knock-off gushers based around Sunny-D. In truth these are nowhere near as good as a proper Gusher but one of the two flavors is damn good. Strangely it’s not the orange one you’d normally associate with Sunny-D. That one’s just sorta meh. The strawberry ones on the other hand are awesome and worth the fairly low cost of admission. Now can we get some purple stuff gummies?

    Phew! Can yall tell I was getting exhausted near the end? Too many new snacks is a good problem to have though, one that offsets the otherwise humdrum nature of January. Think I’ve actually exhausted my energy supplies just trying to tackle this lot. How about you all consult this post for your grocery list while I go take a nap.

Neo Ultra Q Series Review and a Happy New Year

 

    After hibernating for a good share of the post holiday season I found myself struggling to pinpoint just the right topic to usher in 2021. It doesn’t help that my theory of time states that the vibe of a year doesn’t usually take hold until somewhere around March, and recent events have shown 2020 to still be alive and well. I’ve already spent some time working on a general change of year wrap up but, quite frankly, it stinks. Then I remembered the great thing about January, total freedom. I can post whatever I want without feeling like I’m wasting those precious Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas spots. In the spirit of doing whatever we want I’ll tell you a wee bit about recent weeks and then move on to a good old Ultra series review. Sound good? Well too bad, this is my page.

    Christmas was about as good as one could hope for given the state of things. Whether it was a celebration of my wrapping up college or just an urge to send out the year in style I ended up with a solid offering of gifts comprising of nearly all my hobbies. If I wanna listen to records, color, watch horror flicks or Ultraman, or just waste time with online shopping I’m covered. Plus between gifts and a crafty order of used items I have enough video games to likely last till late summer.

    One odd challenge for the season was the apparent visitation of an electrical gremlin. From the first unpacking of totes to the current takedown roughly 8 or 9 strands of lights have gone belly up. And that’s saying nothing of the death of the inflatable Thanksgiving turkey or those plastic shaped light displays for windows. I dunno if it’s Mitch Pileggi, Jeff Fahey, or the evil electricity from that damn Joey Lawrance movie but something is out to fry our decorations. The lackluster condition of nearby stores only provided the opportunity to replace these loses with a strand of bubble lights, which I quickly made a stand for using wrapping paper tubes and cardboard. It’s just what ya do for the enjoyment of Christmas chemistry. For the first time ever in this household there’s a list of supplies for next holiday season and the likelihood of a change jar to make it all happen. Consider that the yearly festive mystery, which is as good a segway as any to move onto another Ultra series.

    By and large my experience with the Ultra franchise lies with the early series from the 60s-70s. Until recently the only bit of Ultra entertainment created this century that I’d seen were a few scant episodes of Ultraseven X. While looking for a shorter show that could be finished by years end attention turned to Neo Ultra Q, a fairly recent series and start-point for the current era of the franchise. Much like the original Q this one is more Twilight Zone than Godzilla only the weirdness factor has been cranked up even further. How does it fare against other pieces of the franchise? Now that’s a tricky one to answer.

    While not exactly a sequel to the original series, Neo Ultra Q is slavishly devoted to it. From musical cues and an almost black & white filming style right down to the general makeup of core threesome of characters this show really tried to live up to the name. It’s even based in a world where aliens, ogres, robots, and cruel scientific experiments are all common occurrences. Unfortunately this setting comes with a price as it can be difficult to gauge how this world views some of these events. One experiment for example would be completely illegal in our world but seems to run smoothly within the shows framework. That sort of thing makes morality tales a little challenging.

    Let’s talk about the primary characters, a threesome of two men and one woman like the original. They’re actually different characters yet they still serve the same general role. Emiko for example, played by the lovely Rin Takanashi of Samurai Sentai Shinkenger, is a spunky reporter. Instead of pairing up with two pilots her friends are a counselor and philosophical type named Jin and a young bartender named Shohei. Sometimes they are the main focus of the storytelling as they attempt to live and work in a very strange world while on other occasions they merely cameo in an otherwise standalone tale. Naturally this isn’t the most thoroughly developed cast of characters, a fact that is further compounded by the series only being twelve episodes long. That being the case all three are still likable and relatable enough to help keep viewers engaged.

    When it comes to the story things get a bit muddled. First off there’s hardly anything to keep these twelve episodes strong together as anything cohesive. Themes and tone are all over the place and most installments end on an ambiguous note. In classic J-horror fashion it can actually be pretty tough to pinpoint the exact goal of each story. Overall themes are obvious but many of them take far left turns only to end abruptly. For anyone who digs esoteric cinema consider this a major plus. For those who pick up Ultra shows for wacky monster fights this is a far cry from what you’re looking for.

    On one end I’d like to wholeheartedly endorse Neo Ultra Q as it is such a boldly odd and sometimes cynical piece of television. At the same time I know a good deal of people aren’t in the market for head-scratchingly vague mystery tales. It’s a bit of an enigma since many of its strengths and weaknesses come from being so unlike the rest of the franchise around it. Consider this something of a buyer-beware scenario. Seeing as this is such a small show let’s only highlight three episodes of note.

EP 4: Pandora’s Cave

    Possibly the most outright horror-driven installment of the series focuses on a man who falls into a hole and is confronted by an evil being who wishes to be unleashed upon the world. It feels a bit like a stage show with just two characters debating morality and the nature of evil. It still throws a lot at the viewer and doesn’t make it’s point totally clear but I found it really engaging and grim.

EP 9: The Tokyo Protocol

    If there’s any one story I’ve seen from the Ultra franchise that feels like 2020 it’s this one. The idea is that an anti-pollution protocol has been put in place that shuts down the power grid every time a certain amount of emissions is reached. This effects business and personal lives across the board. Then some weird alien balls show up and start devouring pollutants which allows for an economic boom that makes the 1980s seem reserved. The issue that permeates the episode is that no one cares what the creatures want so long as everyone can live as loudly as they please.

EP 2: Laundry Day

    Probably the most well-known installment of the show concerns a monster who runs an outstanding laundry service. Actually his foamy vomit can clean anything. His life and relationships to others is played out as a sort of slice-of-life dramedy with one hell of a punchline for the ending.

    With that a new year is officially launched here at CosmicSparky. Since I’m finally getting adjusted to being free from school and have a load of backlogged topics (I never finished the damn Amityville series, did I?) the goal is to get back to the good old pace of at least four posts a month. Got some ideas for new features and outings once I’m in line for the vaccine. For now let’s have as much fun as we can riding out the last lingering threads of the terrible preceding year and maybe we’ll be able to make something worthwhile outta the new one.

Patrick Swayze Christmas Barstool 2020

 

    It’s the strangest thing and I’ve never had a proper notion of where it started but Roadhouse always reminds me of Christmas. It’s not even something that can be traced to an exact memory, such as why I associate Mortal Kombat and the second Resident Evil movie with New Years. Perhaps it’s the tacky neon bar lighting. Maybe it comes down to trashy action films being part and parcel of so many family gatherings. Fact remains that when I think of the Double Deuce I get just a tiny bit more jolly. Naturally this association only contributes to the fun of the Patrick Swayze Christmas Barstool. A tradition that has returned once again to brighten our spirits.

    For any of you who are stumbling onto one of these posts for the first time I’ll give you a quick background. Inspired by MST3K’s song “Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas” the barstool is a way of expressing your holiday spirit outside of traditional forms like trees and inflatable snowmen. The rules are not all that dissimilar from Halloween mood tables popularized by Dinosaur Dracula/X-Entertainment. Simply grab a barstool, or any chair that is safe to light up, and decorate to your hearts content. It’s your space to be as wild or reserved as you want.

    While I often dream of bigger concepts for each year, one of these days this thing is getting reindeer, I often lack the materials. That was even more the case this year with fewer trips to the store and a dwindling supply of lights. And let’s not forget the addition of young kitties who are just fascinated by lights and tinsel. I did manage one important development this time around, Swayze ornaments.

    These ornaments are something I’ve been thinking of for years so it’s nice to finally have them on hand. Thing is they’ll likely need to be remade due to a few errors on our part. The sizing and double-sided printing worked out well but our attempts at laminating didn’t hold so there’s some double-sided tape holding these things together. I think next time I’ll just find some of those photo frame ornaments and match photos up accordingly. Our faulty craftsmanship aside these are still terrific additions. My primary goal was to capture many facets of Swayze. There’s dancing Swayze, Roadhouse Swayze, handsome Swayze, horse Swayze, even militant surfer Swayze. Have I written Swayze enough for ya?

    Given the presence of actual Roadhouse material it only felt right to top it all off with whatever booze was handy. At the time this meant an assortment of odd beer and seasonal cider. Gotta make special mention of that Peanut Butter Porter, delicious. If I felt the need I could add one of those giant jugs of Costco Whiskey to equation though I don’t dare risk such precious commodities. What’s the risk you ask? Well I was just about to get to that.

    Unlike past iterations this years barstool faces a pair of predators/fanboys. Our older cats were never ones for messing with decorations. They loved sleeping under the Christmas tree but by and large they knew to leave things in place. Our new lads are not only a bit more wild but the youngest has grown quite the fascination with this construct, often using it as his own fortress of solitude. Several minutes of each day are now reserved for repairing the display after he invariably makes sweet love to it. He is beginning to be less destructive towards as he now likes to cozy up and stare at the lights, like he’s receiving messages from his alien overlords. My advice to owners of rambunctious animals is that there’s a value in keeping your barstool simplified.

    That’s all I’ve got for tonight. It’s about time to hit up wally world in search of ice cream, lights, and cracklin. While I’m away why don’t you all entertain yourselves by making your own Swayze barstool. It honestly doesn’t take that much work. Some lights, maybe tinsel/garland, and scotch tape to hold things in place. Put one together, set it in front of a window, and watch the confused and judgmental looks from your neighbors.

Christmas Snack Report: Elf vs Elf on the Shelf Cereal.

 

    It seems odd that of all the holidays on the calendar only Halloween has iconic breakfast cereals with which to celebrate. This is especially odd at Christmas, a time of the year when flavorful items like gingerbread and eggnog abound. The various great lakes cereal groups took some stab a the problem with not one, but two elf themed eats. One is based on a tacky decoration that has tormented children for decades, the other off of a tacky comedy. To be fair Elf on the Shelf is a returning item but we’ll just pretend it’s something new and shiny. Being a man filled to the brim with holiday spirit I see it as my duty to place these two items in the arena to see who emerges as the supreme elven treat. If any of you are worried about potential biases based on license don’t worry. Not only did my family avoid the elf on a shelf tradition but we’re not big on the movie Elf either. And no I don’t care if I’m somehow missing out. Let me keep Christmas in my way. As soon as some company produces a Christmas Evil themed breakfast item then I’ll show some bias.

Round 1: Presentation.

    Rating the quality of presentation for Elf is a tad odd as it is both faithful to the source material yet not all that Christmasy. On the one hand I’d like to give it a pat on the back for fan-pleasing aspects like the narwhal. On the other hand the generic snowflakes and pine trees feel more inclined to winter than to the holiday itself. That same feeling carries on to the look of the cereal. Knock off Kix with tree marshmallows says hunting cabin more than the giving season. There’s no doubt it’s a decent effort and I like the tone of Elf green that permeates the box, but it just doesn’t scream festive.

    While unfortunately afflicted by a bit of that sterile design that permeates so much of modern consumerism, Elf on the Shelf manages to push out some pretty solid holiday vibes. Opting for a wintry blue color with the classic candy-cane wrapped sign alongside the elf it sorta looks like an ad for a Rankin Bass special. It’s aided immensely by the red and green star cereal pieces and flying bits of mini-marshmallows. In fact the bowl presence is what helps to set this one apart. We’re talking garland worthy foodstuffs here.

Winner: Elf on the Shelf

Round 2: Scent:

    No way around it, Elf smells as if someone found a way to seal diabetes into a box. It just reeks of maple and sugar. Not only is this overpowering but it’s a dishonest hint about the eating experience to come. Once you pour some out of the bag the open air dissipates the scent into something fit for human consumption.

    On the shelf is a little more subtle, still sweet smelling as all hell, just less so. It doesn’t really smell like sugar cookies however, leaning more towards rice crispie treats. What sets it apart from that mainstay is a more powdery sensation rather than the greasy undertone of treats. At least the smell is more of an honest indication of the eating experience to come.

Winner: Elf on the Shelf (for being hones)

Round 3: Dry

    Once upon a time I made quite the habit of eating dry cereal, as we probably all do at one point or another. These days I’m much more of a milk guy but I still give each cereal a shot when it comes to dry snacking. On that front Elf is pretty solid. Not only is the maple flavor not as overpowering as the initial scent suggested but some of it absorbs into the marshmallow trees making for a decent treat. Elf on the Shelf isn’t so special due to the powdery sugar coating that tickles the nose along with the nearly impossible to find mini-marshmallow. Beyond that the texture of Elf on the Shelf is just awful without milk to soften it up while Elf has a comfortable crunch to it. Obvious winner here.

Winner: Elf

Round 4: With Milk

    The make it or break it moment for any cereal comes with the precious addition of milk and Elf handles that addition splendidly. It absorbs at a decent enough pace to soften without turning to sludge, the marshmallows are excellent, and the maple flavor blends well with milk. It’s surprising how smooth that flavor actually is after the ridiculous smell. It’s just a well balanced cereal. Not up to the level of top tier brands but the unique flavor adds an important novelty factor.

    Elf on the Shelf has a few more issues on this front. Milk absorption is wonky with the pieces staying crunchy for a prolonged period before converting to sponges. The main flavor doesn’t match any sugar cookie I’ve ever had, nor is it all the unique. Plus the tiny marshmallows are too small and infrequent to make much of a difference. This isn’t a bad cereal, just generic and a little lifeless. That being said the sweetened milk aftermath makes foe a delightful finish.

Winner: Elf

Bonus Round: Combined

    In a moment of boredom an idea sprung forth. If neither of these are the end all be all of Christmas cereal, what would happen if they shared the same bowl? Unlike the Planeteers combining these powers didn’t add up to much. Both items combat each-other which makes it rare to get am even dose of both tastes. If you’re gonna get both items anyway this is still fun as a kind of breakfast roulette. Just don’t expect much in the way of results.

    For the final judgment I’m declaring Elf the overall winner. Elf on the Shelf has the presentational aspects nailed but falters on vital elements like taste and texture. Elf can at least stand out as a different experience from everything else in the cereal aisle. If you’re completely outta your gourd with boredom there’s nothing wrong with getting both, feel free to indulge. The quest for a king of Christmas cereal is still ongoing however. Seeing as General Mills and Kellogs have both taken a shot I’m issuing a triple-dog-dare to Post to get off their butts next Xmas.

    With that we’re back on the holiday train. I wrapped up school this past weekend, for good this time. My fancy upgraded degree should be on its way soon and I can finally push all of my writing time towards pleasurable pursuits. Ten Days till Christmas, let’s see what kinda jolly damage we can do.

Starting Up the Holidays with The Small One and Snacks.

 

December is here. At last the curtain is about to drop on this profoundly lame year. What better way to send it packing than a month of cookies, killer Santa flicks, and a hefty layer of snow. Seriously though, where’s my snow? Anywho, what better way to ring in this strange and makeshift festive season than a grab bag of seasonal food, animated specials, and springtime soda? If you’d be so kind as to sit down by the glow of the screen we’ll talk Christmas.

I really wanted to step up my Christmas celebrations as much as possible this year, keeping in mind that big adventures and events are outta the question. One thing I knew heading into this month was that I could watch something seasonal every night leading up that grand moment of presents and eggnog. Unlike my Halloween viewing this doesn’t mean movies, just something holiday flavored each night be it an old cartoon, sitcom episode, whatever. As December 1^st was winding down so came the realization that I’d no clue what to start with. I aimed for something on the shorter side which is how a few items on Disney+ caught my eye. The Small One, animated, just over twenty minutes, should do the trick. Within the opening credits I witnessed a combination of words that any child of the 80s-90s learned to fear, directed by Don Bluth.

In case you’re too young to have ever experienced a Don Bluth movie here’s the breakdown. The guy’s a genius of animation who gave an entire generation of children crippling emotional issues. Guy looks at the sort of manipulative drivel companies like Pixar churn out and calls them sissies. Be it dead families, abandonment issues, childhood sickness, animal abuse, racism, even the damn end of the world, any trauma was a ripe subject for his movies. Since his films didn’t tend to talk down to their audience those traumatizing themes really hit their target. Given just a half-hour to work with he aims a bit small here by just focusing on a farm boy who is being forced to sell his beloved donkey. Just the thing to watch in a year with multiple pet deaths. I swear to god I kept it together.

To make things even weirder the majority of this special has little to do with Christmas. It clearly takes place in a biblical setting so you spend a good deal of time waiting for Jesus or somebody like that to show up. In the meantime you witness the kids friendship with the animal, the shock of learning the family can no longer afford to keep it, and their journey into town to find a new loving owner for the creature. Of course the town is ruled by greed and cruelty so people either laugh at the pair or offer to kill the poor beast. Finally; when all seems lost a smooth operator called Joseph shows up and is all like “yo I need a fresh ride for my babygirl” (not an accurate quotation). With that the small donkey marches off to biblical fame. Admittedly I’m skipping some details but it’s one of those everyone has a purpose stories. Honestly it was alright, and I’m always glad to add some animation history to my memory banks. Just wish someone had invented a Bluth alert.

Outside of emotionally debilitating animated specials I’ve spent some time catching up with seasonal foodstuffs. On that front there’s a very special post coming later this week about the two Christmas elf themed cereals. My recent samplings stretch across a wider span of time from autumnal breakfast items to springtime soda. Take Caramel Apple Jacks for example.

Clearly meant for Halloween, Caramel Apple Jacks took some time to show up around these parts. It’s just as well since the current weather is still in that post Thanksgiving mode of cold and brown that feels so right for candy coated fruit. Sadly the cereal ain’t all that hot on any front. The packaging is generic, neglecting any seasonal elements. The smell is grossly artificial, and the flavor isn’t much better. Regular Apple Jacks have that low key flavor which is easily overtaken by the addition of caramel. While I’m a caramel fan the flavor profile here is way too fake tasting. It’s not an outright failure but there’s no reason for anyone to worry about missing out on this one.

Now here’s an odd one. Mtn Dew Frostbite originally came out way back in March during the opening salvo of lockdowns and face-masks. For some reason not a single store in my whole damn metro area had this stuff. Suddenly, just a few days before Halloween I saw someone standing in a checkout line with a case. With all the speed an overweight mid-westerner can muster I lumbered to the back of the store and fell to my knees in front of two lingering cases. Was all the waiting, searching, and shortness of breath worth it? You bet your damn bippy it was.

Described as an icy cool melon flavor, Frostbite makes me think of what White Out could be if it were good. It’s got a nice bitey chill to it with a smooth fruit flavor throughout. Add to that the great packaging with a frosty shark bursting through the ice within a windy winter scene. The brains at Dew may not have intended it but this is a prime example of wintertime soda. Better yet this is apparently a permanent addition to the line, pending anyone ever restocks it. I’m in love and I highly recommend anyone take some quiet time to sip a can while staring at Christmas lights for a boost of holiday cheer.

It only seems fair during this opening bout of festive features that I actually talk about a Christmas treat of some kind. That’s where Sugar Cookie Hershey Kisses come in. First off I gotta give a hand to the team behind all these seasonal Kisses varieties. They don’t always hit a home run but they keep on swinging for those fences and that makes life just a wee bit more interesting. That’s not to saying anything bad about this Sugar Cookie edition which I’d rank a bit higher on the Kisses ladder. They’re white chocolate with crunchy cookie bits giving them a unique texture that satisfies the need for both sweet and crunchy and the flavor, while not an exact match to their namesake, is fairly solid. As always the packaging is on point with special wrappers for the candies. The downsides are the odd smell and that, let’s be honest, not everyone’s big on white chocolate. If you hate the white stuff then these won’t do anything to change your mind but for those of us who enjoy it these are good to keep handy.

And thus begins my weird Christmas season. Gonna do my best to bring you all some fun items throughout the month. In fact, the only thing in my way is this last week of my final class. Yes; yours truly will finally have upgraded to a bachelors degree. And you’d best believe I’ll be indulging properly in the season before next year brings a fresh search for employment. For now just keep an eye out for that cereal post coming sometime this week between a paper and an exam.