Horror Double Features: Amityville 7 and 8

 

    It’s been some time since we last talked about the Amityville films. Some of this comes down to a personal reason for not wanting to think about one of tonight’s offerings, which we’ll get to down the line. At the same time I hate to leave any project unfinished and I’m in need of something to get the writing juices flowing in order to tackle a major paper. Yes that is absolutely a cheap excuse to avoid an assignment. Then again I’m on the honor roll so who are you to judge? So where did we last leave off? Oh yes, after some stumbling the series firmly locked itself into following cursed objects from the original Amityville house as they spread terror across the country. Sadly the franchise failed to follow the evil lamp and clock with the natural progression of demonic toilet. That being said let’s see what’s on tap.

Amityville: A New Generation

    What could be more frightening than a house full of New England specters? How about inner-city gentrification? After hitting the more tightly populated setting of modern suburbs in the last film the producers decided to go the urban route with help from the director of Santa with Muscles. Our setting is a dank neighborhood filled with homeless folks that just so happens to have a group of artists renting out lofts and frequenting coffee shops. Not exactly sure why we’re expected to root for artsy yuppies but the sad fact is we’re stuck with em for nearly 100 minutes.

    Our chief protagonist is Keyes Terry, the standard scruffy soulful guy with an interest in photography. One day while drinking coffee, alongside fellow insufferable mope Suki, Keyes notices an interesting bum he simply most photograph. Feeling he should share any potential wealth from his photos, Keyes offers the homeless man a few bucks and receives a freaky-ass mirror in return.

    Of all the cursed objects thus far the mirror is by far the lamest. While the lamp didn’t have many thematic talents it more than made up for it with sheer ferocity. The clock on the other hand featured all sorts of reality manipulating tricks to unleash on folks. The mirror just shows people basic spooky stuff and attempts to make up for it’s lack of power by looking so obviously evil that one can only wonder why anyone would ever let it in their home.

    Getting back to the core group of characters there’s Suki, the sad Asian lady with a bad love-life. She also serves as a side bit of action for loser landlord, Dick, played by David Naughton of American Werewolf fame. Dick’s wife barely exists. Richard Roundtree, aka Shaft, plays another artist whose personality is basically just sleepy Richard Roundtree. Keyes also has a girlfriend who can be summed up as 90s pretty. Terry O. Quin is a detective with a little extra interest in Keyes, and Lin Shaye shows up for a hot minute as an eccentric nurse. Clearly the cast is all over the place in terms of talent and acting style which is amplified further by the tendency for some of them to disappear for large portions of the film, Roundtree vanishes for close to an hour!

    You’re probably picking up on an air of negativity towards this movie but before I take a steaming dump on it I will pay it some compliments. For what it’s worth there is actually some effort to make New Generation into a true sequel rather than simply co-opting the Amityville name. One of the characters, bet ya can guess who, has a secret history connecting them to the old house. Timeline wise things get a bit muddled as there was apparently another family shooting before the Defeo one. You’d think that woulda been mentioned before. Of course this may simple be an adjustment of the real-life aspects in order to avoid legal trouble. Either way this is a proper continuation of the series narrative, just not a very good one.

    Of all the various problems within this movie, be it unlikable characters, piss-poor production values, or mostly bad acting, the biggest may be just who not scary the whole thing is. Not a single scare lands through this entire film, and that’s on the occasions when the movie even tries to be scary. A big span of time is spent on Keyes sorting out his emotions, which could be a commendable change of pace if there were anything else to support it.

    Still; New generation isn’t the worst entry in the series, that honor still belongs to The Amityville Curse. The music isn’t all that horrible, some of the effects are alright, and it’s nifty to see one of these movies were people don’t spend ninety percent of their time in a house. Unfortunately the efforts to make a more dramatic entry largely fall flat which makes for a pretty dull entry in the series.

Amityville Dollhouse

    Any of us who are old enough to have fond memories of rental stores have one or two pieces of cover art that, for whatever reason, stick with us. One of mine was Amityville: Doolhouse which was likely due to how inescapable it was. Seemed like every local joint kept a copy prominently displayed at every horror display. At that point I’d already seen the first few movies multiple times through venues like Monstervision though I had little interest in diving into a sea of seemingly disconnected direct-to-video features. Given the troubled release history in the dvd market for these later entries this remained unseen to me until just recently. Turns out this missing piece of the Amityville puzzle is a special kind of stupid.

    Long-time producer Steve White steps into the directors seat in order to handle the absolutely minuscule budget, supposedly there were plans to use cardboard cut-outs for some of the monster scenes. Given such a slim production you shouldn’t expect much in the way of recognizable faces save for the late Lisa Robin Kelly of That 70s Show fame.

    The story this time around concerns a blended family situation. On one end we have an architect dad with a jock teenage son and generic young daughter. His new wife has a son, Jimmy, who is unbelievably pathetic. Combine Denny from The Room and Troy from The Final Sacrifice and you’ll have a slight approximation of this goober. The supporting characters consist of the jock’s trashy girlfriend, mystic aunt Marla, and a hog-riding supernatural warrior named Tobias. Oh, and don’t forget Jimmy’s zombie dad. Given that collection of personalities you’d be right to assume this movie steps into full-scale cartoon territory.

    The story itself is straightforward enough. Family moves into new dream home, uncovers a Dollhouse in nearby evil tool shed, and soon all hell breaks loose. It’s the little details that build-up only to spin out of control. How about we start with the tool-shed left by the former property owners that makes spooky talking sounds and has newspaper clippings about a horrible family tragedy that nobody pays much attention too. See there was a horrible fire on this spot and the dad decides to use the same same chimney as the centerpiece of his new home. Oh and this might actually be his tragic family history, it’s never explicitly stated but it sure adds some creep factor to his character. There are wasps who try to burrow into peoples heads and may in fact be baby demons. Jimmy’s bonding with his undead father while his mom lusts uncontrollably for her new step-son. While all this is going on the mystical aunt entrusts her 7 year old niece with documenting the evil actions of her dollhouse.

    Notice how the titular evil object came last in that laundry list of mayhem? That’s a big indicator of how this film operates. There is no point of origin for the dollhouse and nothing to link it to the original Long Island haunting save for its appearance. Given the convoluted backstory it’s difficult to determine if the Amityville curse (not the horrible film) is causing these events or merely teaming up with the bad mojo previously accumulated by this location. Much like New Generation’s mirror there is very little in the way of thematic haunting on display. At a couple points things enter or exit the dollhouse through a sort of void space, and that’s about it.

    Despite the abysmal overall quality I can slightly recommend Dollhouse in some regard as a piece of so bad it’s good cinema. For anyone who needs a belly laugh with some friends the movie is both inept and wacky enough to provide a decent time. For my sake I ended up watching it on the same night as a personal tragedy which is permanently linked in my mind. Enjoyably bad or not this just isn’t something I’ll be returning to which is part of the reason for holding off on this article for so long.

    And with that I’m out of things to say. Only one more pair of flicks to go before we can put this series in the rear view as it enters both remake and meta territory. Suppose it’s time to act responsible and return to a seemingly endless analysis on mass-consumerism. Pray for me.

September Spree 2020

 

    If there’s anything to be certain of this Halloween it’s, somewhat fittingly, uncertainty. It’s tough to know which of our traditions will still take place and which ones are put on hiatus. At the very least this can lead to a few pleasant surprise when something you thought was unlikely happens anyway. Such is the case with today’s story of a September shopping spree. This one’s got everything from core staples to historical television, so get cozy since you might see some of these items return for another post.

    The September spree is something I never plan for but has taken place for at least half-a-decade without fail. I get up to have coffee and soon enough find myself twenty miles away investigating the newest seasonal goodies. Given that I haven’t had a trip of this nature since possibly February I had zero hope of it happening. Ya know that saying about lemons and lemonade? Well mine is when a relative needs a new leaf-blower slip into as many extra stores as you can.

    Some of this haul is predictable necessity. Light Strands for the crab-apple tree or cemetery fence, orange storage totes for reorganization, but there’s still fun to be had with these simple items like the white craft pumpkin. For a couple of years some craft stores sold artificial pumpkins that had already been sawed in half and given a hanger so you could carve and put em on the wall. I adored those halves since they made for some of the best, and easily stored decorations around. For whatever reason, stores are now content to only sell full craft pumpkins which means I’m just gonna start splitting them in twain myself. Every Halloween should have at least one project night and the addition of some new pattern books this should provide a decent distraction. And yes I got the usual array of carving pattern books. They may not be the most prestigious items around but they’re an essential part of every spooky season. You might end up seeing a guide on creating wall-pumpkins in a couple weeks.

    I did manage to dig up a few more interesting items. Can’t help but note for those who haven’t gotten out for much shopping that there is a lot of repeat stuff from last year. It makes sense of course with the state of the world, and it isn’t without some perks. Consider this blow-mold style pumpkin man I got from Michael’s. He was part of a wave of retro decorations last year and managed to escape my grasp. Not this time, little man. Also dig the light-up trio of witches for the cemetery with a third of the price already slashed off thanks to being older stock. Even managed to fit some of those torch light-bulbs into the budget. If nothing else the end of the world is surprisingly gentle on the wallet.

    Eagle-eyed readers are going to notice something that is neither new nor exclusive to Halloween yet I feel it vital to stress their value all the same. I’m talking about Zapp’s Voodoo potato chips. Despite being a year-round product there are few snacks better fit to serve as a fixture of this season. If you’ve never had them imagine something that walks the line of being spicy but not really hot. Tons of flavor, great on a sandwich, and the theme is a perfect fit on a stormy night with an old voodoo flick like I Walked With a Zombie or Sugar Hill.

    Last but definitely not least is a horror movie haul from dollar tree of all places. Actually dollar stores in general have been a nice spot to build film collections for a while now though my usual haul is just one or two titles. Last night I came across a nice spread of terror tales ranging from pure classics to silly rubbish with a spot of unique television in between. As for the five movies I was most pleased to nab a DVD of the original Pulse. The rest are all virginal to me with the supposedly wretched Wish Upon, goofy British slasher flick Severance, the often dismissed James Gunn/Greg McLean project The Belko Experiment, and some violent Rutger Hauer action via Hobo With a Shotgun. Obviously results can vary wildly but if you need to stock up on some random entertainment for the season it’s hard to argue with the price. Plus there’s one item here that needs a little more attention.

    The Hitchhiker is a 1980s anthology series from HBO. More accurately it is the very first series the channel ever had. Much like the later Tales From the Crypt this show pulled in some major talent for one-shot horror and crime stories on a weekly basis. Unlike Crypt this show is hardly ever brought up and is seemingly impossible to collect in full, there’s even a complete series release that's more like half the series if that makes a lick of damn sense. No clue if this has to do with contract issues, outright negligence, or the move to USA Network for the last few seasons. Whatever the reason this show is historically important yet almost totally forgotten. Can’t say as I’ve ever seen an episode but that all changes with this two-disc set containing 10 of what the packaging claims are the best episodes. Regardless of actual quality there’s the promise of Gary Busey which means Friday night’s gonna be alright.

    And thus concludes this years September spree. It took a little bit of retraining on my part trying to find a comfort level in these stores again since it’s been son long since I last shopped like this. Once things got moving however it felt about 56% normal. Overall a well-needed change of pace during a time of stress. Given the importance of safety however this is absolutely the year to trade advice and shopping tips whenever possible so we’re not all traipsing across the countryside in hopes of material satisfaction. That’s all I’ve got in the tank for tonight kiddos. There’s schoolwork and decorating to be done but I will reach my post quota for the month so come back in a couple days and I’ll whip up something nifty. Ta for now.

Rambo: Force of Freedom. Return of the Count

 

    Obviously it’s been a few weeks since yours truly has done anything on this site. Well readers; my cat, Forrest sadly didn't pull through from his leg-injury so we had to do the merciful thing and put him down. As you can probably guess I’ve been damn depressed ever since and am only now getting back into the flow of things. I miss my little buddy like mad, and we’re gonna do a tribute to him making him the embodiment of how to enjoy this upcoming holiday season. That’s actually how I wanted to begin this years Halloween coverage but doing justice to my friend is a tough challenge. Today we can do our best by beginning our celebrations the way he would want, with silly television.

    Everyone has something, usually a specific event or date that more or less marks the passage from summer into full Halloween madness. Around here that was the final hometown event just after labor day. Problem is that didn’t happen this year so it’s entirely up to me to decide if it’s time to cover the house in pumpkins and bats. To mark this transition we deserve something that takes a little from both camps, the rollicking sweaty action of summertime and the spooky comforts of autumn. Turns out we can pick right up where we left off last Christmas with America’s favorite mentally scared super-soldier, John Rambo.

    Rambo: The Force of Freedom is an extraordinary oddity in TV history, marking a strange choice of converting an R rated action film series into a regular adventure series for kids. Parents complained and the show didn’t last all that long but man is it ever entertaining. We’ve seen Rambo rescue Santa Clause, actually a former military scientist, from evil organization S.A.V.A.G.E. Much as Argyle wished to see Nakatomi’s take on New Years I just gotta see how the force of freedom hands out candy.

    We begin at the pentagon where the whole crew surrounds a desk making vague threats. Rambo reports that “it’s a messy job but somebody’s gotta do it” right before jamming his giant knife into a poor defenseless pumpkin.

    Across town we meet two young boys wrapping up a full night of trick-or-treating, one of which in a costume that would get him reprimanded for cultural insensitivity these days. We soon learn that the elder of this brotherly pair has a reputation for tall-tales as he convinces the younger one to investigate a strange light inside a spooky old mansion. Wouldn’t ya know the kid is immediately snatched up by some Dracula lookalike. Suppose I should note that this is the count, a returning villain and descendant of Vlad the Impaler.

    After some drama with the kid telling his mom and them calling the cops we get to something more important. Turns out these boys are Colonel Trautman’s nephews so unlike every poor sap that ends up on a milk-carton these kids get a government-sanctioned murder-squad for a search party. Trautman hangs back at the house, the sidekicks hit the streets, and Rambo decides to investigate the haunted mansion solo.

     The next few minutes of the episode play-out like a mix of Scooby-Doo and Commando as our hero navigates the dark halls of the mansion avoiding booby-traps and battling ghost dogs. Ok, so they aren’t actual ghosts, they’re just coated in glitter or something which seems like a bad idea. Imagine the shiny poops after they lick themselves. Anyway; Rambo gets captured and shackled to a wall in a flooding room only to bust out and break through a brick wall like a badass.

    Now the episode totally shifts gears. The lightning intensifies as Rambo does his gear-up montage in preparation for the battle to come. The reason the count was at some D. C. suburb was to initiate a crazy scheme involving the use of kits to attrac lightning and overload the power grid. Why would they do this you ask? So S.A.V.A.G.E. can kidnap the president under the cover of darkness.

    From here on out it’s just one action scene after another. Rambo takes on the count and his thugs, Trautman and the others blow-up bikers on the street, Rambo fights a ninja atop a moving semi-truck before taking on a helicopter full of baddies. As a reminder this is a Halloween episode involving ninjas, and a plot to kidnap world leaders. If the novelty factor alone isn’t good enough for you then you’re just too far gone. In the end the oldest boy decides he wants to grow up to be just like Rambo, poor bastard doesn’t know what he’s in for. Rambo responds with the moral of the story that you shouldn’t tell crazy stories since you need trust to be a leader, yowza.

    Even as a massive horror nut I’ve often bemoaned a lack of alternative Halloween viewing. Sure there’s the amazing Cowboy Bebop movie, and a few family flicks, but I’m always pleased to see different genres like action or comedy mixed with this season, more so if they do it well. This isn’t the absolute best Halloween episode out there but it’s a good change of pace that can be found pretty easily online.

    And with that we are officially started on Halloween goodness. It’s gonna be a rough season for a lot of us, lord knows mine isn’t starting on the best note. Just remember to enjoy the little things in life. Camp out in the living room to watch some cartoons with your pets. Play a board game while fueled-up on pumpkin ale. We may not be able to do the big stuff like haunted houses or going to the theater for the newest movie. What we can do is be like Forrest and hang out in the garage as we watch the spooky weather drift by.