The Beast Within Book and Film Comparison

 

    Most everyone has favorite seasonal films. Usually it’s the holiday variety, say Christmas or Halloween. Other times it’s something more obscure and flexible like a season or birthday. Years ago I wrote about a Springtime obsession of my own, a little monster movie called The Beast Within. Originally introduced to me via the wonders of Monstervision the film’s atmosphere along with themes of a boy blossoming into a twisted sort of manhood always come to mind during the brightening days and first thunderstorms of Spring. Like a good many horror flicks from back in the day this one was based on a novel. Problem was the book was nowhere near complete by the time a script had to be put together resulting is two divergent tales built on a pile of very similar bones.

    The novel was something outside my purview for a the longest time. I’d seen some slight debate online about how it compared to the film with many folks labeling the movie counterpart as an abomination without much in the way of meaningful comparisons. Eventually I manged to snap up a cheap paperback copy at a local book store. The first attempt at giving it a read didn’t make it very far but guess what… it’s Spring again. Taking a break between comics I finally went dove in and completed the book. If you wouldn’t mind indulging I’d like to do something of a civil service and detail the differences between source novel and a favorite flick of yesteryear. Naturally you should expect a certain level of spoilers though I’m gonna leave some mystery for newbies.

    Many people report the movie as only being an adaption of the back end of the book and this is sort of a half-truth. The basic premise of an assault leading to the birth of a boy named Michael who goes through some violent changes is intact but the angle of approach is far different. See the novel is divided into four parts with each covering a particular era of the story. Part one concerns the Scruggs and what happened to Jimmy Connors, part two details the relationship between Eli and Carolyn and her assault in the woods, part three is all about a difficult period in Michael’s Childhood, and part four is the return of that problem in his teenage years. The film builds everything around that final quarter while showing portions of the first two and only making a mention of the third. The details of those earlier acts are augmented further with different backgrounds, names, extra characters, and a new origin for the monster. Those last two items makes the biggest difference but let’s go into a bit more detail.

    Part one was easily my biggest hurdle when first tackling the book as reading about the miserable marriage of Henry and Sarah Scruggs in Pea Ridge hardly gets the blood pumping. Henry is a wretched bible thumper whose god-fearing nature goes so deep as to shun the notion of procreation with his own wife. This, along with severe isolation, makes Sarah more than eager to stray when flim-flam salesman Jimmy Connors shows on their doorstep after his car breaks down. In this take Henry find Sarah and Jimmy taking a literal roll in the hay only to lock Connors in the cellar and murder the wife. Henry is so far gone he actually believes Connors to be the devil made flesh and must keep him imprisoned and alive. Over years of inhuman treatment, Jimmy becomes more beast than man and gains an opportunity to escape captivity once Henry finally succumbs to a failing heart

    In the film version of these events the Scruggs do not exist nor does traveling salesman Jimmy. Instead Billy Connors, a local boy from Nioba Mississippi fools around with Sarah Curwin which gets a woman killed and the boy likewise locked in a cellar. It’s not just years of torture changing his mind and body that results in the monstrous form he takes on either. Billy happens to know some old native magic based on Cicada that allow for a shot at revenge at the cost of ones humanity. Right away these changes have huge ripple effects. Not only does skipping past this part add an air of mystery but, unlike Henry Scruggs, Billy has several opponents who live on which makes for a supernatural family feud. Where’s Richard Dawson when we need him?

    Part two is largely about the relationship between Michael's parents, Eli and Carolyn. Both simple small town folk, her a spunky waitress at first and him a hulking lumber worker with little education. We get to their first meeting and see their day to day existence up to the point when it is thrown out of whack as the creature murders their dog and rapes Carolyn. As the pair were trying to conceive a child anyway she chooses to believe the resulting baby is Eli’s. Adding a weird layer to this take is that the creature soon dies of a snakebite leaving none the wiser as to his existence.

    In the film these two are newlyweds driving through the country. Carolyn is attacked while Eli is searching for help with their car. They both suspect the kid might be from that night but love their son all the same. The characterizations are vastly different here with Eli in particular being more of an everyman urban type which makes him bristle at dealing with all the hillbilly nonsense in town later on. Their living situation also solves a lingering mystery from the book as that version of Michael wonders if getting away from the woods might solve his condition. In the film his location merely changes the symptoms. While not explicitly shown we learn that this version of the beast was shot not long after assaulting Carolyn.

    Part three is arguably the most interesting portion of the novel and is difficult to compare to the film since it’s pretty much entirely skipped over. It concerns Michael’s upbringing and childhood from his affinity with animals to his troubles at school. Eventually the kid begins to have nightmares that manifest as violent behavior where he runs out to the wilderness at night to hunt and kill. For the movie there’s just a few hints of a time in his childhood where he suffered from “terrible nightmares” along with a brief mentioning of his affinity for nature.

    Finally part four is where the real meat and potatoes of the story come to a head with Michael’s problems returning to an even worse extent as a teenager. Well sorta. The film makes it that he’s deathly ill and his parents return to this small town in order to learn whatever they can about the kids potential father. In the book this resurgence kicks off at the end of part three when Michael enters puberty and receives a saliva handy-j from a classmate. Yes you read that right.

    Contrasting this final section is total night and day as each version has made such different recipes out of roughly the same ingredients. In prose it’s about a family who has lived and worked in this same town while Michael has two ladies of interest, the lovely Susanne and easy patty. In movie land the family are total strangers to this location with Michael finding romance with a girl named Amanda Curwin. The supporting cast feels much larger even though the actual headcount is likely the same. That’s likely due to the number of book characters who factor into the equation for maybe a chapter or even just a few pages whereas film characters feel like they get a bigger piece of the screentime pie. Events move even further from the source novel as Michael’s final transformation and fate and are vastly different, though I won’t spoil those for you except to say the movie is much more slimy.

    Getting to my take on the which is better debate I obviously have some bias for the movie. I’ve found it to be a great source of gross comfort viewing for decades whereas I finished the novel just this past week. That being said I’m still quite confident the movie takes home the prize thanks to a variety of solid choices. First off is the mystery aspect. The novel leaves nothing to the imagination, telling us everything in linear fashion leaving zero question as to what is happening. Not only does this leave zero room for surprises but it actually makes it so the reader is better informed than the characters so our feelings are somewhat ditched from theirs. In the film we see a horrifying incident and move on to a family with a sick teenager and a need for answers. Not only are we eager to learn about the assailant but we’re immediately drawn in by a parents need to save their which doesn’t even factor into the book until halfway.

    Another winning factor for the movie is atmosphere. It’s got that sort of odd tone some 80s horror flicks had in that it felt like an old 50s drive-in flick only with a level of sleaze and gore afforded by the era of excess. Add to that the setting of wet and foggy southern United States complete with cold nights and dead, spindly trees just makes it all come together. While the novel is likewise centered on the south there’s not much characteristic of the area save for poisonous snakes and some lingo. Much of the environment is very bland and almost too comfortable since the characters have spent their entire lives there. On the hand this helps the themes of the story since it’s about the dangers in your own home, there’s just not enough detail to make it stick. And I won’t go into a full paragraph on this but the monster element in the film is so much nastier than the mental lycanthropy stuff in the pages. The last round that might hold any weight is that of comparison to other works of this kind. The movie holds up quite well alongside gross-out stuff from the 1980s whereas the book seem really generic when contrasted with horror literature of the time.

    Each version still makes for solid entertainment and make for a fun exercise where you pick which pieces you’d include for your own optimal variation. I’ll leave you with that and the advice to at least sick out one of these versions. The movie is out-of-print stateside but there’s a nice European blu-ray out there for those with means. Otherwise it sometimes pops up on weirder streaming services. Meanwhile the book is slightly rare but not so much as to be unobtainable. You just might have to put in moderately more work than normal depending on the current crop of online auctions and such. And for those of you who’ve taken in one or both of these formats do share your thoughts on what works about each of them.

Kingdom Hearts Marathon Part 1

 

    While I’ve been an avid gamer my whole life there is one point in history where it was the hobby of choice. That period began about midway through the first Playstation’s lifespan before truly peaking during the following generation of consoles. I’d been lucky enough to grab a Dreamcast near the end of it’s run, an Xbox from the holiday it launched, and a PS2 a couple years after that, plus my nephew owned a Gamecube. This was an era of truly astonishing video games as companies had the tech and cash to make some wild ideas come to life but had yet to become obsessed with online features and market research. So many favorites come from this time be it Shenmue 1-2, Jet Set Radio (and the even better Future), Otogi, crap loads of Final Fantasy, Tales of, Katamari, just so much wonderful gaming. Then there was a game so daffy sounding it just had to be a work of Genius, Kingdom Hearts.

    I got the first game not long after getting a PS2 and was quickly sucked in. I missed both variations of the Chain of Memories spin-off but was first in line for KHII. For some reason I ended up getting distracted near the end and failed to reach the finish line. In the following years more spin-offs would emerge on different consoles with me making a promise to one day go back and catch up. Even as the long-awaited third main game came barreling our way I wasn’t prepared, having yet to carve out the time to do a proper series run-though. This past Christmas brought me the complete ps4 packing, and Melody of Memory showed up soon after. So I’ve spent the vast majority of my gaming hours in 2021 marching through the franchise with only small breaks for some Trine and Ys as life requires some variety. With a healthy sized chunk under my belt I thought I’d share the journey with you all.

Kingdom Hearts

    The immediate worry when returning to an old favorite is whether or not it holds up to your memories. Plus there’s always the potential loss of your former skills (oh how I used to be so damn good at Mario 3). Coming back all these years later it was amazing how well Kingdom Hearts has held up. Most of the problems I have with it now were the same I had back then. And while there’s plenty of little issues spread throughout the adventure the total experience never feels broken or aimless.

    When the game was new it was easy to fear how it might become some heartless corporate cash-grab via the melding of Disney and Final Fantasy with new heroes and mythology tying it all together. The surprising aspects of the mixture were how the game used FF stuff sparingly, paid honor to all these classic animated films, and let the original stuff take the wheel.

    This first outing is so pure in it’s structure as a young boy named Sora is separated from his home and friends by interdimensional beings known as Heartless who serve at the behest of a league of Disney villains and a strange man named Ansem. Teaming up with Goofy and Donald Duck the trio travels from world to world befriending characters from different properties and slowly unfolding bizarre questions about existence.

    The gameplay elements from exploration to battles were all fairly basic. Each world might bring its own wrinkle but largely players are running, jumping, and slashing their way through through thousands of enemies and the occasional giant boss. While there’s a few nifty trick like a lock-on and customizable quick commands there are still times when players must contort their hands to scroll through menus while also surviving tense encounters. In fact the game is surprisingly challenging given the subject matter with a few nasty bosses to contend with. That brings up the topic of difficulty balance which is something of an issue throughout the series. This one is mostly consistent save for a few spikes, the wonderland boss for example is a bit much for so early in the game.

    There’s countless little issues to be found yet the adventure never feels cheap, broken, or aimless. Even with some control issues, difficulty spikes, and a few portions that feel underdeveloped (lookin at you Halloweentown), the game manages to keep me hooked decades later on what was probably my third or fourth playthrough. There’s a reason the game became an overnight sensation which largely that nameless sort of passion that just permeates the project. You never feel slighted because there’s always a new discovery or wonder to be fund, all of it leading to what is still one of the greatest, and saddest, endings in all of gaming.

Re: Chain of Memories

    Allow me a short tangent if you will. What a minute, this is my blog so I’ll tangent however much I want. Ya know how there’s like a dozen Assassin’s Creed games? (not accounting for weirdo spin-offs). Well I’ve beaten all but maybe 2 of em, even wwent so far as to platinum Odyssey. My point is that no matter how much you enjoy a series there’s always an installment that just doesn’t jive. In that series it’s the original and Unity. With Kingdom Hearts it’s this card based midquel.

    Originally put together as a Game Boy Advance title this was later remind in 3-D using assets from the main entries. The story concerns Sora and his pals being lead to a bizarre ruin called Castle Oblivion that messes with the memories of those who venture within. Using cards the heroes are able to revisit locations from the first game restructured into small rooms of a seemingly endless castle along with simulated takes on their allies and acquaintances. Within the franchise this game is notable for introducing this location, Organization XIII, and major characters like Namine and Axel.

    So what is it that puts me off about Chain of Memories is that’s it’s a combination of two of my least liked sub-genres; card games and dungeon crawls. You’re using cards to navigate this endless maze of rooms based on events you’ve already experienced while attempting to grasp a weird new combat style where enemies can cancel your healing simply by playing a higher number. Those who have gotten into the combat sings its praises and I’m sure there’s something there but it’s a tough one to stay motivated on to the extent that I decided to move past it.

    The key factors that made me skip a full playthrough for now is that I knew the game would kill my pace, and I already knew the main story well-enough to continue. One day I’m gonna sit myself down and make an honest attempt at this one but it’s gonna be a while and possibly I’ll swing for the original GBA version as it looks a bit more manageable with a slower pace.

358/2 Days story

    While the entire Kingdom Hearts Franchise is sort of available on modern consoles, entries like this Nintendo DS game are condensed into story digest movies. I’ve heard the actual game can be something of a drag as the game-play portions are very padded but I’ve no way of knowing how true those statements are. As for the story this is a nice slice of the KH world.

    Beginning near the later portions of the first game, running alongside Chain of Memories, and leading straight into KH II we get to see the experiences of Roxas, Axel, and a new character named Xion. Considering this was released after part II players already knew the fates of the first two but had never heard of the third which of course means you should prepare for some tragic stuff. Really the most important factor here is how the game establishes the theme of this series being about trios of friends who are caught up in a cruel and outlandish conflict. As a viewing experience it’s not too bad either though you get the feeling you’re missing out on some developments regarding the other members of Organization XIII.

    Despite warnings about the games repetitive nature and the fact that I now know the main story I’d actually like to settle down with an original DS copy someday.

Kingdom Hearts II

    As I mentioned earlier I failed to complete KH II way back in the day. I’d wondered whether I’d have the same issue of motivation this time out and this newest play-through of the game helped me to better identify why I fell behind in the first place. If the first game is that crush you always cherish, this one is the well-meaning romance that turns abusive.

    I must make it clear that I’m not declaring this to be a bad game, simply a lesser follow-up. There’s still tons I love about the adventure from it’s wild opening hours as Roxas to the selections of worlds that includes the likes of Tron and Steamboat Willie. New party members Auron and the aforementioned Tron are always a blast to fight alongside. Plus the story still contains that wild mix of childlike glee and soul-crushing depression.

    Picking up from the weird events of Chain of Memories leaves Sora in the position of still searching for his friends while dealing with old villains like Melificent and new threats in the guise of the nobodies and Organization XIII. There’s a lot of mythology and world-building as players finally learn who the real villain is while also visiting important locals like Disney Castle. What’s odd about the story is that it feels like they were trying to wrap things up even though they’d yet to really reveal what was going on. Way back when it was new that wasn’t so much of an issue but when playing the series in a row it sticks out as shortsighted.

    There are roughly three interlocked issues that make part II such an irritating topic for me. One is the forced variety that changes so many of the games big moments into special mini-games or transforms them into quicktime events. This combines and contributes to a wildly unbalanced difficulty which is somehow a bit worse in the final mix version thanks to the addition of another weirdly overpowered boss in the last act. Seriously I thought he must be one of those moments you’re supposed to loose give the damage output but no. The second round sounded sorta like a Dragonball episode with me screaming my way to victory. It drives me crazy because the game doesn’t offer the challenge for a player to master the gameplay but instead asks them to adapt to whatever new novelty happens to permeate the next fight. You might spend a minute making sure Donald and Goofey have the right skills for a big boss only to find you’re forced to pair only with Simba and pound the triangle button to monotonous prompts.

    The last part of the trio is the drive system. In the first game you slowly gain access to new maneuvers like the ever so useful dodge roll or high jump. In this game those commands are gained and upgraded by upgraded special battle forms called drives which are fixed to a quickly extinguished gauge and each form has their own unique leveling method. That locks many of the best abilities behind multiple progression walls as players must obtain a form and then find how best to upgrade it. Adding insult is how the game basically neglects to tell you how important this whole subset of upgrading is so some players may wonder why the hell they keep struggling without a proper dodge or high jump.

    The pacing also suffers from the choice of having players visit nearly every world twice. You lose a lot of the sense of progression by having to retread each area. Plus some of the worlds have been needlessly changed. Whereas Atlantica had formally brought a new wrinkle to combat with its swimming mechanics it now served as a dreadfully simplistic rhythm game.

    I still have a soft spot for a lot of what this game has to offer. The opening section as Roxas ranks among the great left-turns in gaming, Donald and Goofy are still the best support crew, and there’s a much better selection of worlds to play through. The constant forced variety and nonsensical challenges do a lot to curb my overall enjoyment of the adventure. Still; I finally finished the game after all these years and was newly free to delve deeper.

Birth by Sleep

    Despite all my irritation towards part II this prequel totally revived my love for the franchise thanks to a major overhaul of fighting and upgrading with storytelling that alters the focus of the greater mythology.

    Expanding on the concept of multiple playable characters players now have the ability to play through distinctly different takes on the game by playing as 3 separate characters. Once all three campaigns are complete a final episode unlocks and, if you’ve done the needed steps, a secret episode can be unlocked after that. Suffice to say this was a longer experience with a Kingdom Hearts title and that’s not even getting into all the side content like kart-racing, arena battles, and a very useful boardgame that lets you acquire and upgrade commands.

    Story wise this is prequel begins ten years before the first game and immediately raises major questions within the first few scenes involving Destiny Islands and series villain Xehanort who looks much older than we’ve seen in the other games. As for the three protagonists they range in combat styles with very different personalities. Terra is arguably the Aniken Skywalker of the series, a dopey meathead with a tendency to make horrible choices. Not helping matters is his voice-actor who delivers much of the dialogue in very bland manner. As for fighting he’s a physical tank which makes his role as the first suggested campaign makes sense. Second up is Ventus; a boy who plays, looks, and sounds a whole lot like Roxas. Finally there’s the magically attuned lady, Aqua. She’s sort of the soulful waif type and requires the most mastery of command melding to turn her into a spell-slinging badass. As everything unfolds you get to learn the origin of major locations, the reasons why Sora and his friends were drawn to this greater conflict, and start to ask questions about larger matters like the Keyblade War.

    The biggest contributors to my love for Birth by Sleep are the retooled combat system and the accompanying command meld/ability upgrade system. Both aspects are so perfectly connected it’s difficult to think of them as separate entities. Battles themselves are largely the same real-time hackfest they’ve always been. The pacing and timing has been tightened, almost stiffened in a way that creates a nice flow to combat. It’s easier to gauge when to attack, dodge, and block. More complex moves like spells or special attacks are handled as a sub-menu of equipped commands. Once each command is mastered it can be mixed with others to form new ones that may include permanent abilities providing more health, defense, or ways to earn experience. Since you routinely have to upgrade small, basic commands to make bigger and better versions upgrading becomes a joy since you’re always accomplishing something of value. The command system can be as basic or nutty as you desire. On my opening play-through as Terra I mostly stuck to core stuff like Firaga, stumbled into some Surges, etc. By the 3^rd run as Aqua I was creating top-tier rare commands that are almost game breaking in their usefulness.

    Unfortunately Birth by Sleep still dabbles in the occasional bout of sudden nonsense, namely the final battle of Ventus’s campaign. After two rounds of straight dueling the game suddenly twists into a rock paper scissors button mash to charge up a special attack that can miss the opponent, oh and they take away your healing options too. It’s not even all that challenging as it is confounding. Somewhat in the nonsense camp are the shifting requirements to unlock the secret episode. This becomes easier to do depending on your choice of difficulty. For the standard difficulty, at least in the final mix version, you have to hunt down every report, sticker, and take out 9999 enemies. The game does not give you an easy method to track your K.O.s and what made it so much worse for me is that nobody warned me of when the keyslinger trophy pops. I spent hours turning the castle from Cinderella into a slaughterhouse yet that goddamn trophy refused to pop. I added up just the kill count between Aqua and Terrra & found myself hundreds of enemies past the mark. Giving up in frustration I moved on with the game only to find keyslinger unlocked upon finishing the final episode… seriously. Speaking of the secret episode; that last boss was another one of those weird difficulty spikes which is a shame since this one generally has a steady challenge.

    All in all this was the best entry since the original and a major bright spot in the series marathon.

Re:coaded story

    Re:coaded originally released for the DS and to a certain extent seems like babies first Kingdom Hearts. After serving as the record keeper during past games, Jiminy Cricket finds his diary of the first adventure to be mostly blank save for some entries he didn’t write. Seeking the aid of King Micky and the others they digitally scan the journal and call on the help of a data created Sora to eliminate the bugs that are blocking information from being restored while visiting old locals like Wonderland.

    I feel like very few people properly discuss just how weird and meta this thing gets. You’re watching video game variations of cartoon characters who are in turn interacting with a digitized version of their friend and another being who is the personification of a mystery journal. It’s fuckin madness. It does have some importance to the overall narrative since it brings up the topic of the trios from Birth and Days and suggests how a certain villain might return. That said the story doesn’t make for the most entertaining viewing experience.

    Perhaps things would be different if I’d actually played through the game as I might then have developed a closer bond with Data Sora. Otherwise it’s just such a strange and cumbersome way of presenting an important bridge between titles since there’s endless corny inspirational speeches, and two obvious stretches to pad out the game including a last-minute return to Castle Oblivion. I still love the way it sets up future games but I can see why people look down on this one since this is such a cumbersome way to bridge titles together.

    Right this moment I’m in the midst of Dream Drop Distance, with just a few bits left to go before the big number III and Melody of Memory cap it all off. Frankly I’m a bit surprised I haven’t lost my mind or gotten totally sidetracked. There’s just something so inherently thrilling to going all in on such unique and varied piece of entertainment. Way back in the first game I fought a man who merged with pure evil to become some sort of flesh-vessel. Now I’m befriending spirits and helping out the Hunchback of Notre Dame. So wish me luck dear readers as I continue this journey and down the line, maybe around May, I can tell you how it wraps up.

The Mighty Kong (1998)

 

    Among the many appearances of King Kong the least known are easily three straight-to-video animated projects. Two of those are related to the animated televisions series which we’ll come back to at a later time. Today I want to talk about the most infamous of that trio, the animated musical remake The Mighty Kong. Yes indeed folks, this is actually the second remake, making Peter Jackson’s the third. That’s a lot of retread for something that was pretty much perfect to begin with. While the 1976 version brought in a hefty dose of 1970s cynicism and the 2005 Jackson take indulged like a fat kid at Old Country Buffet, this late 1990s venture adapts the classic big ape tale in the manner of a Disney knock-off.

    Watching Mighty Kong one can’t help but ask why it was made in the first place. Giving a classic film the Disney animated musical treatment isn’t the worst idea but it seems wholly unnecessary when the original King Kong is pretty family friendly to begin with. Plus it’s not like it’s a movie known for boring kids, what kid doesn’t like giant Claymation monsters beating the stuffing outta each-other? This one actually has a slower pace than the original despite being notably shorter in length. Add in the absolutely terrible production quality and it’s hard to see how anyone thought this was a good idea. Some folks claim this was put together as a quick cash-grab in order to compete with the late nineties versions of Godzilla and Mighty Joe Young, two other flicks that also blew chunks.

    As someone who once made a couple cable access programs I can tell you that making television or film isn’t necessarily difficult, making it halfway decent is the tough part. Mighty Kong is a perfect example as it feels like every element of it was a first attempt. First off the animation is bad, we’re talking really bad. Like you can actually see the individual frames. Art design is bland, scale is off. Voice acting is sloppy, sometimes hard to discern, and on occasion I swear the actors don’t even have a script to work with. Each thing just has to do enough for this to function as something you can call a movie. Even the songs seem like a rough draft jotted down on a napkin rather than the real deal but we’ll come back to those.

    As with any of the other Kong remakes we gotta talk about how this iteration handles the core trio. Let’s begin with the top-billed Dudley Moore as Carl Denham. Moore’s take on the role is more of a silly blowhard than the loudmouth pitch man of the original or the skeezy oil man of 76. It’s the sort of role he could play in his sleep and just makes me think he’d would have been better off in full Arthur mode. Jodi Benson of Little Mermaid fame is the new Ann Darrow and yowza… this Ann sucks. She’s just an empty-headed goody two-shoes lacking any of the spunk of the original and even comes up short to Dwan in the brains department. Then we’ve got Jack Driscoll who can now be refered to as Blandy McBlanderton. Played by Randy Hamilton, apparently his last role as well, in a manner that reminds me of Tony Danza. His defining characteristics are beefiness and superstition towards women. Who could they possibly add to this legendary line-up of characters? How about Chips the monkey and Ricky the cabin boy. Yea this is yet another story suffering the producers insistance that kids need a kid character to identify with, cause ya know that’s why kids love superheroes, mutated turtles, and power rangers, it’s how easy they are to relate with.

    So what are the big differences for this take on the story? Not many really. Most of the broad stroke stuff is the same and many of the additions like Ricky & Chips hardly matter. Of the two biggest alterations the first is the songs, oh god the songs. For as slapdash a production as this thing is Warner Bros managed to bring on the Sherman brothers who were responsible for tons of classic Disney tunes to write the music for this. Despite the big names these songs are absolute rubbish with the only positive being that they’re also forgettable. Lyrics don’t rhyme, tempos don’t flow, and the audio is shoddy as all hell. Plus some of the lyrics stretch poetic license such as in the big love song when Ann and Jack delcaire things like “I’ve never met this man” even though they’ve known each-other for weeks. Weirder still is how someone like Jodi Benson who did so well in her Mermaid days is just screeching here. On the plus side the version I watched had a number of sound errors that created moments of questionable censorship.

The final augmentation is the ending. Seeing as this is a family picture you wont get to see Kong shot to hell by the military. The police listen to a suggestion from Denham that a giant net be suspended between two blimps into to catch the great ape. Things don’t go so well and the net rips spilling it’s living cargo down towards the street, with a quick pit stop to crack his neck against an outcropping. Everyone acts like maybe Kong can pull through with Denham declaring he’ll get the beast it’s own private island, then they do the whole “twas beauty what killed the beast” bit and Ann cries. Then Kong opens his eyes to glare at Chips and everything’s happy? I mean he’s horribly injured but still alive. Do they even make wheelchairs for giant apes? And least ye think I’m spoiling anything, that shit’s in the trailer.

So… yeah… that was The Mighty Kong. I’d hoped there would be more of note to write about but honestly this ranks among the lousiest animated pictures I’ve seen in quite some time. Let’s say you don’t wanna take my word for it though. Well that’s where things get tricky. Much like King Kong Lives this one has been buried with the old VHS tapes fetching inflated prices on the secondhand market. It is a bit easier to find through other avenues than Lives but it’s still another piece of franchise history that’s been swept under the rug. Makes me wonder if there’s someone out there who cherished this wreck as a kid and now hordes as many tapes of it as they can. If you’re that person drop me a line, I’ve missed psychological studies.

That’s all for tonight lads and ladies. With any luck we’ll get to talk about the remaining forgotten Kong Movies before the big guy takes on Godzilla again. Hopefully they’ll be far less painful than this one.

Snack Report: March 2021

 

    March has arrived at last, the point in any year when things really get moving. Last year it lead to us all huddling up indoors but this time around we’re getting vaccines, Marvel television, and a new Godzilla movie. Not trying to say new is better but right now I’d say that’s the truth. Speaking of new I’m currently up to my ass in junk food which, as we’ve likely discussed, is the best problem to have. There’s a bit of everything in this one from bread and snack cakes to candy and coffee. That same breadth of selection applies to quality with some amazing edibles facing off with total garbage. Enough dawdling, let’s get on with the goods.

Pepperidge Farm Lemon Poppy Seed Bread

    In all these years of reviewing food I can’t say as I’ve ever covered bread. I suppose that makes sense seeing as the bread aisle isn’t generally known for innovation but just this once there was something unique to be found among the endless tubes of white and rye, a lemon poppy seed bread. Possessing a well-known weakness for lemon poppy anything I immediately caved and added it to the cart.

    On both the smell and flavor front this is more balanced than you’d imagine. Pepperidge Farm took the core of lemon and poppy seed but didn’t make it as sweet as usual. On the one hand this means anyone hoping to indulge their sweat tooth is outta luck without some doctoring. I found it most enjoyable untoasted with some peanut butter though I suspect it probably pairs best with fruit butters like apple or pumpkin. Still a fairly nifty treat deserving of maybe a three out of five.

Coke with Coffee Vanilla and Caramel

    After my disappointment with the dark blend coke with coffee I decided to give the other varieties a chance in order to see if just one could match my memories of the old Coke Blac. Both Vanilla and Caramel come much closer to the drink I remember but still aren’t close enough to win me over. I think if you went somewhere in-between these two with a slightly different formula then you’d have something close to the original but different enough to appeal to newcomers. That out of the way how do these fair on their own?

    I noted in our last snack report that I’ve seen people complain that these drinks are too sweet or over-caffinated. I don’t find these claims to be true at all but there is something off about the overall formulation of the drink. With both flavors I started off enjoying the burst of sweat combined with the bitter edge of coffee. Around the halfway point however each of em just got gross. It’s almost like it builds up too quickly and you start to loose the nuance of soda and coffee mixing together as the chemical elements take-over leaving you with the sensation of bitter sludge.

    Once again these are so tough to review. They’re not bad yet they overstay their welcome and pale in comparison to the original. If Coke really wants to keep em around I’d suggest smaller cans for the dollar chains. Not counting on that happening so I’ll give each a two out of five.

Klondike Shakes Chocolate

    Taking a step away from their usual ice-cream blocks, Klondike has put out a line of shakes. The concept is pretty simply with pouches, not unlike the ones used for applesauce, that just need a few minutes of thaw time for you to enjoy. The instructions say the pouch only needs three minutes out of the cold but my experience is more like five or six.

    Once it’s ready to drink these shakes are pretty decent. However; they come off more like melting ice-cream in a pouch than they do a proper shake. I know that’s a thin distinction but everyone knows the mouthfeel and taste the makes a shake just a lil different than it’s bowl/cone based brethren. This just feels like someone took some decent chocolate ice cream and let it melt in in a sippy cup. Even the size is questionable as it’s somehow just enough to edge off a craving yet not enough to satisfy. Good but nothing revolutionary. Three out of five.

Ritz Cheese Crispers Cheddar

    A couple snack Reports ago I reported on another variation of these cheese crispers, the tasty four cheese and herb. Coming back for another round I bought a small bag of the cheddar variety and we can officially mark this venture as a total knockout. These lil bastards are just plain yummy.

    What is it that sets these apart from countless other cheesy crackers? Ritz has managed to find a nice middle-ground between high-end cheese crisps and mass-produced crackers. You get the zingy sensation or real cheese with a solid crunch at a good price. Gotta give these at least a four out five if not higher though I am accounting for the fact that I think some folks won’t be huge on the texture. Still a great snack.

Peeps Fruit Loops Pop

    In truth this one’s a leftover from last Easter though back in those early days of the pandemic I never managed to find one to try. Stores have been doing much better about getting in fresh stock and variety lately so that former misses are now the current hits.

    Opening the pop was a surprisingly tough task thanks to those tape wraps generally used on bakery products. Once I got it clear of the plastic prison I found a pleasing clean scent, my nephew claimed it smelled like a factory. That same clean aesthetic translated to the flavor too. Yes it tastes like Fruit Loops only a bit cleaner and crisper, probably the closest Peeps have ever come to tasting healthy. The only notable drawback I have is that these are only available in pop form which means you’re stock paying more for a smaller amount of candy on a stock than if they’d been packaged the traditional way. Plus if you’re one of those sad, joyless, types who don’t care for peeps then you’re still gonna hate these. Taking everything into account I’d say they earn a three and a half.

Frosted Strawberry Donut Oreo

    Fresh on the heels of four other new Oreo variants, though Lady Gaga was strictly cosmetic, we have new frosted strawberry donut Oreo. These weren’t my most anticipated flavor partially due to being fresh off of Paczki season where I tend to gorge on baked goods. Even so, I’m not one to turn down a novelty cookie.

    Scent wise they have something of a cotton candy tint to them with just enough essence of baked good to stay in the donut ballpark. Flavor isn’t all that far from the source inspiration either though it also has an extra hint of, dare I say, carnival? As should be expected of a donut flavor these babies shine their brightest when dipped in black coffee.

    I did enjoy them quite a bit though they’re far from a personal favorite. I suppose it comes down to the fact that if I wanted a frosted yest raised donut I’d simply go get one. For those of you who prefer cookies to donuts or live in some savage place where donuts are a rarity these are a fine treat to have around. Another thee and a half rating.

Mixed Berry Twinkees

    Maybe it’s how time seems meaningless during the pandemic but it feels like forever since we last got a brand new Twinkee variety. With the onset of spring it’s nice to see the physical personification of hope in tube cake form via these Mixed Berry Twinkees. Now don’t be confused by the claim that these are made with real fruit as there’s still plenty of that fatty chemical goo taste to go around.

    Not gonna mince words here as I’m pretty much in love with these things. A major part of the appeal is how the flavor reminds me of something from childhood that I can’t quite put my finger on. Handing one to my brother resulted in the same experience. There’s the distinct taste of some old lost love from the snack-aisle. Another relative noted it just tastes like nostalgia. I suppose that means Hostess of all companies cracked the code of what longing for days gone buy tastes like and it’s oddly fruity.

    All in all these have been a big hit even winning over folks who don’t normally indulge in Twinkees. That being said one person was still grossed out by the chemical taste so if that’s your big issue with Hostess stuff then these still may not win you over. Personally these are one of my favorite new snacks of late and a perfect five outta five.

Yoplait Blue Raspberry Gushers Yogurt

    Sometimes this whole novelty food gig can go totally quagmire. Everything seems alright at first. You spot a new yogurt flavor inspired by a classic candy and it seems like a match made in heaven. Then things start to take a turn down a dark road and you’re left staring at your spoon asking, “why did I do this?” If you’re in need of such introspection might I interest you in Yoplait Gushers Blue Raspberry Yogurt?

    Let’s make one thing clear, this item isn’t a total failure. The actual yogurt goo isn’t too bad, tasting fairly close to a good ole Gusher. It’s one additional component to this yogurt that makes it all go wrong. I didn’t notice until bringing it home and snapping photos for the blog is that this particular novelty yogurt has something called “burstin beads.” makes sense I guess. Yoplait wanted to replicate the actual gushing part of Gushers for this edition. Problem is the beads are absolutely vile. The little beads are a sort of yellowish tone that stands out in the blue goo, making them unappetizing just on a visual level. The texture is the worst bit however with most of the beads being strong enough to stand up to your tongue and cheeks which forces you to bite into their weird flesh that floats around in your moth afterword. It makes me think of what might happen if you mixed salmon roe into your yogurt. Adding insult the beads don’t seem to add much flavor as I ended up just dipping my spoon to retrieve the blue yogurt and nothing else. Basically this is rubbish and deserving of a one out of five.

Raisin Bran Toasted Oats & Honey

    Ranking among the greatest mysteries of humankind is how regular Raisin Bran can be so damn terrible while Raisin Bran Crunch is nearly good enough to broker peace between nations. What then might the result be when Kellogs tries to bridge the gap between these disgruntled relatives? That’s a question we’re about to tackle with new Raisin Bran Toasted Oats.

    I suppose it’s only fitting that this middle of the road approach to Raisin Bran ends up with middle of the road quality. It’s much better than the regular stuff but nowhere near as good as Crunch. If you’re hesitant to eat Crunch due the higher sugar content than this might make for a good alternative. Otherwise it’s just alright, just north of normal. I’ll grant it a three outta five.

Perrier Pineapple and Watermelon

    I’m not one to generally indulge in flavored water. Frankly I don’t really see the point as a decent    spritzer is so easily made with just a bit of sparkling mineral water and fruit juice. On the off chance that I’m out & about and crazy thirsty I will bend the rules. Just this once I’m a little glad I did. For those who can’t abide their water plain these offerings from Perrier may just be the best flavored water I’ve encountered. Yeah… that’s it… haven’t figured out how to make water funny.

    And I think that’s everything. At least I hope that’s everything. After sometimes struggling to find new goodies last year this return to the days of properly stocked grocery aisles is a bit overwhelming in the best way possible. All this snack talk has made me hungry and it just so happens to be dinner time. Hope you’re all having excellent luck in your own snack hunts.