March has arrived at last, the point in any year when things really get moving. Last year it lead to us all huddling up indoors but this time around we’re getting vaccines, Marvel television, and a new Godzilla movie. Not trying to say new is better but right now I’d say that’s the truth. Speaking of new I’m currently up to my ass in junk food which, as we’ve likely discussed, is the best problem to have. There’s a bit of everything in this one from bread and snack cakes to candy and coffee. That same breadth of selection applies to quality with some amazing edibles facing off with total garbage. Enough dawdling, let’s get on with the goods.
Pepperidge Farm Lemon Poppy Seed Bread
In all these years of reviewing food I can’t say as I’ve ever covered bread. I suppose that makes sense seeing as the bread aisle isn’t generally known for innovation but just this once there was something unique to be found among the endless tubes of white and rye, a lemon poppy seed bread. Possessing a well-known weakness for lemon poppy anything I immediately caved and added it to the cart.
On both the smell and flavor front this is more balanced than you’d imagine. Pepperidge Farm took the core of lemon and poppy seed but didn’t make it as sweet as usual. On the one hand this means anyone hoping to indulge their sweat tooth is outta luck without some doctoring. I found it most enjoyable untoasted with some peanut butter though I suspect it probably pairs best with fruit butters like apple or pumpkin. Still a fairly nifty treat deserving of maybe a three out of five.
Coke with Coffee Vanilla and Caramel
After my disappointment with the dark blend coke with coffee I decided to give the other varieties a chance in order to see if just one could match my memories of the old Coke Blac. Both Vanilla and Caramel come much closer to the drink I remember but still aren’t close enough to win me over. I think if you went somewhere in-between these two with a slightly different formula then you’d have something close to the original but different enough to appeal to newcomers. That out of the way how do these fair on their own?
I noted in our last snack report that I’ve seen people complain that these drinks are too sweet or over-caffinated. I don’t find these claims to be true at all but there is something off about the overall formulation of the drink. With both flavors I started off enjoying the burst of sweat combined with the bitter edge of coffee. Around the halfway point however each of em just got gross. It’s almost like it builds up too quickly and you start to loose the nuance of soda and coffee mixing together as the chemical elements take-over leaving you with the sensation of bitter sludge.
Once again these are so tough to review. They’re not bad yet they overstay their welcome and pale in comparison to the original. If Coke really wants to keep em around I’d suggest smaller cans for the dollar chains. Not counting on that happening so I’ll give each a two out of five.
Klondike Shakes Chocolate
Taking a step away from their usual ice-cream blocks, Klondike has put out a line of shakes. The concept is pretty simply with pouches, not unlike the ones used for applesauce, that just need a few minutes of thaw time for you to enjoy. The instructions say the pouch only needs three minutes out of the cold but my experience is more like five or six.
Once it’s ready to drink these shakes are pretty decent. However; they come off more like melting ice-cream in a pouch than they do a proper shake. I know that’s a thin distinction but everyone knows the mouthfeel and taste the makes a shake just a lil different than it’s bowl/cone based brethren. This just feels like someone took some decent chocolate ice cream and let it melt in in a sippy cup. Even the size is questionable as it’s somehow just enough to edge off a craving yet not enough to satisfy. Good but nothing revolutionary. Three out of five.
Ritz Cheese Crispers Cheddar
A couple snack Reports ago I reported on another variation of these cheese crispers, the tasty four cheese and herb. Coming back for another round I bought a small bag of the cheddar variety and we can officially mark this venture as a total knockout. These lil bastards are just plain yummy.
What is it that sets these apart from countless other cheesy crackers? Ritz has managed to find a nice middle-ground between high-end cheese crisps and mass-produced crackers. You get the zingy sensation or real cheese with a solid crunch at a good price. Gotta give these at least a four out five if not higher though I am accounting for the fact that I think some folks won’t be huge on the texture. Still a great snack.
Peeps Fruit Loops Pop
In truth this one’s a leftover from last Easter though back in those early days of the pandemic I never managed to find one to try. Stores have been doing much better about getting in fresh stock and variety lately so that former misses are now the current hits.
Opening the pop was a surprisingly tough task thanks to those tape wraps generally used on bakery products. Once I got it clear of the plastic prison I found a pleasing clean scent, my nephew claimed it smelled like a factory. That same clean aesthetic translated to the flavor too. Yes it tastes like Fruit Loops only a bit cleaner and crisper, probably the closest Peeps have ever come to tasting healthy. The only notable drawback I have is that these are only available in pop form which means you’re stock paying more for a smaller amount of candy on a stock than if they’d been packaged the traditional way. Plus if you’re one of those sad, joyless, types who don’t care for peeps then you’re still gonna hate these. Taking everything into account I’d say they earn a three and a half.
Frosted Strawberry Donut Oreo
Fresh on the heels of four other new Oreo variants, though Lady Gaga was strictly cosmetic, we have new frosted strawberry donut Oreo. These weren’t my most anticipated flavor partially due to being fresh off of Paczki season where I tend to gorge on baked goods. Even so, I’m not one to turn down a novelty cookie.
Scent wise they have something of a cotton candy tint to them with just enough essence of baked good to stay in the donut ballpark. Flavor isn’t all that far from the source inspiration either though it also has an extra hint of, dare I say, carnival? As should be expected of a donut flavor these babies shine their brightest when dipped in black coffee.
I did enjoy them quite a bit though they’re far from a personal favorite. I suppose it comes down to the fact that if I wanted a frosted yest raised donut I’d simply go get one. For those of you who prefer cookies to donuts or live in some savage place where donuts are a rarity these are a fine treat to have around. Another thee and a half rating.
Mixed Berry Twinkees
Maybe it’s how time seems meaningless during the pandemic but it feels like forever since we last got a brand new Twinkee variety. With the onset of spring it’s nice to see the physical personification of hope in tube cake form via these Mixed Berry Twinkees. Now don’t be confused by the claim that these are made with real fruit as there’s still plenty of that fatty chemical goo taste to go around.
Not gonna mince words here as I’m pretty much in love with these things. A major part of the appeal is how the flavor reminds me of something from childhood that I can’t quite put my finger on. Handing one to my brother resulted in the same experience. There’s the distinct taste of some old lost love from the snack-aisle. Another relative noted it just tastes like nostalgia. I suppose that means Hostess of all companies cracked the code of what longing for days gone buy tastes like and it’s oddly fruity.
All in all these have been a big hit even winning over folks who don’t normally indulge in Twinkees. That being said one person was still grossed out by the chemical taste so if that’s your big issue with Hostess stuff then these still may not win you over. Personally these are one of my favorite new snacks of late and a perfect five outta five.
Yoplait Blue Raspberry Gushers Yogurt
Sometimes this whole novelty food gig can go totally quagmire. Everything seems alright at first. You spot a new yogurt flavor inspired by a classic candy and it seems like a match made in heaven. Then things start to take a turn down a dark road and you’re left staring at your spoon asking, “why did I do this?” If you’re in need of such introspection might I interest you in Yoplait Gushers Blue Raspberry Yogurt?
Let’s make one thing clear, this item isn’t a total failure. The actual yogurt goo isn’t too bad, tasting fairly close to a good ole Gusher. It’s one additional component to this yogurt that makes it all go wrong. I didn’t notice until bringing it home and snapping photos for the blog is that this particular novelty yogurt has something called “burstin beads.” makes sense I guess. Yoplait wanted to replicate the actual gushing part of Gushers for this edition. Problem is the beads are absolutely vile. The little beads are a sort of yellowish tone that stands out in the blue goo, making them unappetizing just on a visual level. The texture is the worst bit however with most of the beads being strong enough to stand up to your tongue and cheeks which forces you to bite into their weird flesh that floats around in your moth afterword. It makes me think of what might happen if you mixed salmon roe into your yogurt. Adding insult the beads don’t seem to add much flavor as I ended up just dipping my spoon to retrieve the blue yogurt and nothing else. Basically this is rubbish and deserving of a one out of five.
Raisin Bran Toasted Oats & Honey
Ranking among the greatest mysteries of humankind is how regular Raisin Bran can be so damn terrible while Raisin Bran Crunch is nearly good enough to broker peace between nations. What then might the result be when Kellogs tries to bridge the gap between these disgruntled relatives? That’s a question we’re about to tackle with new Raisin Bran Toasted Oats.
I suppose it’s only fitting that this middle of the road approach to Raisin Bran ends up with middle of the road quality. It’s much better than the regular stuff but nowhere near as good as Crunch. If you’re hesitant to eat Crunch due the higher sugar content than this might make for a good alternative. Otherwise it’s just alright, just north of normal. I’ll grant it a three outta five.
Perrier Pineapple and Watermelon
I’m not one to generally indulge in flavored water. Frankly I don’t really see the point as a decent spritzer is so easily made with just a bit of sparkling mineral water and fruit juice. On the off chance that I’m out & about and crazy thirsty I will bend the rules. Just this once I’m a little glad I did. For those who can’t abide their water plain these offerings from Perrier may just be the best flavored water I’ve encountered. Yeah… that’s it… haven’t figured out how to make water funny.
And I think that’s everything. At least I hope that’s everything. After sometimes struggling to find new goodies last year this return to the days of properly stocked grocery aisles is a bit overwhelming in the best way possible. All this snack talk has made me hungry and it just so happens to be dinner time. Hope you’re all having excellent luck in your own snack hunts.
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