Green Arrow Longbow Hunters Omnibus Review

 

Don't mind the oddly placed copy of Child's Play. It Was a busy day.

    Once again I find myself nearing the end of a month with one post to go and little forethought about a topic. Hell, this one might not even be finished in time. Seeing as we are making our way into March, a month themed around green including the beginning of spring and hopeful outdoor adventures how’s about we talk some Green Arrow? Yes, I’m stretching for relevancy, bare with me.

    It’s probably obvious from this blogs history that I’m more of a Marvel guy. That’s the superhero universe where I prefer to spend the majority of time with most of my favorite characters, writers, and titles yet I’d often like to dabble more in the DC front. Sadly I can place the blame squarely on them for keeping me away since they seemingly have a mission to never reprint their massive backlog of quality comics. Warlord? Maybe 20 issues in an out-out-print paperback. The DeMatteis runs of Dr. Fate and The Spectre? Not a chance. Arak: Son of Thunder? The same. To top it off the company has a tendency to botch reprints with missing issues, printing errors, or just canceling after a volume or two. So on the rare occasion that DC puts out something truly interesting, and manages to not screw it up, I do my damnedest to dive on in. This was the case with the first (and I swear to holy hell there better be a vol 2) omnibus for Mike Grell’s Green Arrow.

    I’d heard a lot about Grell’s work over the years which came about during the late 1980s wave of gritty comics. Some folks praise it with flowery language that generally adds up to nothing of meaning. Others compare his work to Frank Miller which I can tell you is wholly inaccurate as I didn’t regret my own literacy after reading Grell’s prose. There are others who treat this era as if violent crime minded comics as something to be embarrassed of. The truth is obviously far more complex than any of those short pitches with the actual product being a fascinating read complete with a few odd wrinkles.

    What makes this era of Green Arrow stand out is the nearly complete and total removal of fantasy/sci-fi comic tropes, a concept that seems downright mad for a character known for palling around with a space cop. Oliver Queen, who never actually uses his hero moniker within these pages, moves to Seattle and takes on the likes of Drug Dealers, sex traffickers, the yakuza, street gangs, and serial killers. Later on he spends some time abroad taking on the likes of the IRA and African poachers. Real crime was the order of the day complete with plenty of sex and violence. Even on the occasions when another superhero pops in they leave the magical stuff behind. For instance when Hal Jordan pops by to help Oliver through a bad patch he’s just a guy named Hal with a love for the color green.

    Still’ I suppose in this time of trigger warnings and the like it should be noted that this can be a very grim and gruesome book. There’s gang violence, child killers, graphic animal deaths, torture, even a damn crucifixion. Plus the title earned something of a reputation for violence against women. If we’re being honest though I’ve seen far more farcical books treat women with far less respect and these ladies at least manage to bring down scores of villains. That sort of complete and messy view permanents many of the stories with pure 1980s morality. Consider for instance how a storytelling about Oliver protecting the gay community from gang violence also has him toss out a quick gay joke. It was a time when stories centered on the notion that doing good didn’t always mean you did good things or thought happy thoughts.

    We’ve established then that this point in Green Arrow history was very violent and grim but is it any good? More so is it good enough to dedicated a fairly beefy asking price towards? Mostly yes. This volume contains the three-issue Longbow Hunters mini-series followed by the first fifty issues of the character’s proper ongoing series. Of that I’d say somewhere between around eighty percent is solid and entertaining stuff. The rest can suffer from one of two issues. Some stories, much like this article, feel like something that came about because the writer simply couldn’t come up with anything else for the month. Others, like the aforementioned poacher story, fall into the problem of reading like an impassioned editorial rather than a proper narrative. On those occasions characters end up communicating with soundbites and factoids that are way too on the nose. When things are running smoothly however this is a fun action story with strong characters and some fabulously colorful artwork.

    Another element that helps the book is how some of the weaker aspects play out in such a way that is either entertaining or at least consistent with the tone of the book. There’s the cliché of magical natives, both American and African, which always makes for a good eye-roll but doesn’t feel all that weird since Oliver is an environmentally-minded yuppie. The over-the-top criminals sometimes push the believablity of these more realistic stories but that just makes it more fun when they inevitably take an arrow to the neck. One of my favorite bits is Oliver’s tendency to kick his TV when overwhelmed with righteous indignation. Guy must be real popular at Radio Shack.

    As for the work on this omnibus I was fairly impressed. The paper stock isn’t up to the level of my dear Marvel books but it’s still decent and makes for a hefty eight-pound tome. In a surprisingly rare bit of forethought DC actually included page numbers so the contents guide remains useful. There’s the occasional odd hiccup like the cover of one issue missing it’s number or things like that but when the important stuff like binding and colors are all done right it’s tough to complain.

    Currently there’s been no word on a follow-up Omni despite plenty of content to cover. There’s at least thirty more main title issues and three mini-series from Grell, some of which has never been printed in collected format. If DC wants more of us Marvel types reaching across the aisle they’d do well to print up more items like this rather than reprinting the same damn Batman books. Whelp; looks like the clock is running out on February so I’d best get this posted. Hope it’s been of some value to somebody out there. I’ll be back soon enough with something a bit meatier.

CosmicSparky's Journeys in Bollywood

 

Can anyone explain this graph?

Nearly every year I find myself expanding into a new interest. Sometimes these are just quick experiments with something that feels novel, like a brief run at Gunpla models, other times it becomes a full-scale aspect of life like tabletop gaming or the moped. The lock-down of the past year actually brought a couple of these to light, one being a massive immersion in classic game shows thanks to Buzzr, and the other was Bollywood cinema. In all fairness I’m using Bollywood as a catch-all for India’s massive film industry that encompass more languages and sub-cultures than I can even list. So while my knowledge of their culture is still in its infancy my appreciation for their movies has blossomed. Given what a wide and daunting subject this is I figured I’d share my journey thus far and perhaps encourage some of you pick out a movie to make your own first Indian fling. Hell; if this works out well enough it could even become a recurring thing.

Before we hop into the movies themselves I should probably talk about what makes Indian cinema unique and appealing, or unappealing in some cases. A lot of folks will point out the musical numbers or over-the-top action but for me it comes down to unpredictability. Not even trying to brag but the truth is I’ve likely seen more stuff than most people can even imagine, and with that metric ton of viewing comes the ability to predict a lot of weird shit. Bollywood stuff, much like certain anime or tokusatsu, can be really good at side-stepping expectations or offering twists no sane person would ever predict. Some of this is purely cultural. For instance you’d likely judge any movie that spends twenty minutes of its runtime on a totally unrelated side-plot yet that sort of storytelling is the norm for India. Making stories massive and varied, or bloated as we might call them, is just part of their approach. More than that however is the method in which genres and styles are mixed and matched. With the frequent and sometimes bizarre shifts in style and tone watching an Indian movie can almost feel like an investment. Your experience at the start is nothing like what comes at the middle or end. Stories can change from romance to tragedy and then take a twenty minute detour into action. It can come off as disjointed but holding in for the long-haul can produce some outstanding rewards.

Hopefully having made a case as to what makes these movies so special it’s time to trace my journey thus far. Along the way I’ll offer some quick observations and recommendations.

1920

Long before making a point of diving into this pool I’d dipped my toe in the water way back when writing for a certain horror site that shall remain nameless. The first entry in a franchise of haunting/possession flicks, 1920 is a fair gateway into Bollywood as it stand-steps a lot of the stranger aspects of their cinema. There’s only one musical number, the story is fairly linear save for a like 20 minute flashback. The scares aren’t half-bad either. What stuck out to me as the main issue back then was how this basic horror tale had it come from any other country would likely be 80 minutes long yet here was stretched out to 140. So while it’s not bad the whole experience is a little bland and far too long for how simplistic it feels.

Dhoom

I’d known of the Dhoom I franchise for well over a decade, routinely holding it in mind as a potential first step. It’s often recommended as an entry weight Bollywood flick given an almost reasonable length (just over 2 hours), and cheesy action movie tropes that earn it the reputation of Indian Fast & Furious, which is a bit unfair as I found far more fun. As for the actual quality of the film however… um.

The largest surprise Dhoom held for me was Bollywood’s shifting narrative style. While the poster is clearly selling a motorcycle action flick featuring tough guys and hot chicks the first half-hour is a relationship comedy between a cop, his main suspect and wife. As things move forward the wife fades out while the actual criminals take up more screentime. Then it becomes sort of a buddy-cop take on Point Break with occasional musical number before finally reaching the action movie we were promised. The experience is baffling, oftentimes idiotic, and a lot of fun.

Post viewing I had to wonder how this compared quality wise to other Indian films. The series is very successful and while I giggled like a child on a candy bender it was not what I’d call quality filmmaking. Was I wise enough to change gears for my next experiment? Hell nah, I turned on the sequel.

Dhoom 2

Dhoom 2 is somehow both better and worse than it’s predecessor in nearly every way. First off the film is bigger in every direction. Larger set-pieces, longer runtime, more characters, more plotlines, you name it. It takes all the inheirent silliness of the previous film and ramps it up even further. On one hand this can make it even more fun to watch. At the same time it can become an absolute chore to sit through.

Let’s be clear this movie was not made with subtly nor sensitivity in mind. Emotions are shouted, female characters are introduced via their anatomy, it’s all just noisy junk in both the best and worst way. In that sense it might be an excellent gateway for fans of Michael Bay. For those with more demanding sensibilities this will drive you nuts. If we’re being honest though… I sorta love it.

Fan

By my fourth time at bat I was enjoying the experience but wondered if any of these movies are what we’d actually call good. It was time to branch out with another notable highlight of Indian cinema, possibly the biggest star of them all, SRK. I’ve seen him referred to as Bollyood’s answer to Tom Cruise since he produces massive films where he’ll injure himself doing crazy stunts. Guy even has his own FX company so he can play different ages and heights. There was a lot to chose from however with everything from crime, superheroes, drama, but I went for his weird meta thriller, Fan. The discovery was that yes indeed some of these movies are actually good. Really odd, but good.

SRK plays a duel role as a movie star (big stretch) and his biggest fan who’s a total dead ringer. In an effort to meet his idol the fan impersonates the star, goes way out of line, and is then rejected by his idol. This shifts the narrative into a revenge thriller with the fan waging war against his nearly identical idol.

As always there are some weird moments throughout this film like the exaggerated action scenes that almost seem at odds with the otherwise realistic drama. Still the movie is surprising, well-made, and SRK is damn good at both roles. If my past three experiments hadn’t done it, I was now officially hooked.

Baaghi

My spirit renewed I felt it was time to check out another star. This one is still fairly fresh but has been largely dominating the action genre for years; Tiger Shroff. Dude won me over real quick. Baaghi is a pretty simplistic flick with a martial-arts love triangle. It’s the slow build from romance to action that makes it so much fun though. The early goings are the young stars making eyes at each-other and dancing in the rain whereas the ending stretch is Tiger and his lady kicking any ass that gets in their path. Add in some corny training montages and a henchman with ridiculous hair and you’ve got a solid night of entertainment.

Tumbbad

Having played around in different genres it was now time to check out my favorite kind of flick and see how India tackles horror. Man did I ever luck out cause Tumbbad is a damn fine scary story. The story is a little slower and dramatic, very much in the vein stuff like Hereditery or The Lighthouse if they weren’t terrible. I say that because here we have solid, not hysterical, proformances supported by consistent themes and interesting twists. The tale is unique as is the supernatural threat. Plus the production and camerawork are top notch and the runtime is less than two hours with no musical numbers to be found making this an easy sell for anyone wherry of such topics. Probably the best Indian flick I’ve seen so far, but not my personal favorite.

Purana Mandir

Seeing as all this experience had been made up of films from this century it was time to step back into the past while sticking to the horror wheelhouse. This one comes from the Ramsay brothers who are seemingly the kings of Indian horror. Talk about a total treat. There’s martial arts mixed with demons, romance, a comedic bandit subplot, and a crazy ear-worm of a score. It felt a little like Italian horror flicks from the 1970s and 80s only not so mean spirited. Feel head over heals for this one but obviously I only recommend it to those who like their movies on the crazy side.

Purani Haveli

Something of a follow-up yet Nowhere near the wonders of Purana Mandir, Purani Haveli uses the same setting and music as its predecessor. Unfortunately the damn thing simply lacks the spirit that made the previous Ramsay flick so much fun. I suppose that paints this as the first disappointment of my quest.

Dhoom 3

After a long break it was time to get back in touch with my boys in their currently final adventure, Dhoom 3. This one gets weird. A decent amount of it was filmed in Chicago and the movie makes great pains to show off the city which feels so odd for a Great Lakes person cause seriously, it’s just Chicago. With the shift in location comes an attempt at telling a more focused and emotional story, that takes three hours of our lives. There’s a major push at making a more high-end quality production but the trade off is the loose of some of that stupid Dhoom appeal and spirit. It’s almost like trying to follow up Point Break with Heat while still maintaining an air of silliness.

While nowhere near as entertaining as the first two it reminded me why I enjoy these movies so much when it took a plot twist I’d guessed in advance only to add an extra twist to that one that I’d never have expected. Let’s put it this way. There is a vital plot point involving the emotional manipulation of a mentally handicapped man at Six Flags. You can’t see it coming because normally polite society would never allow such madness. Glad I watched it but my sincere hope is that any potential follow-up returns to the outrageous nature of the first two. Should note this one has the most extravagant musical sequence I’ve encountered so far.

Baazigar

Remember when I said you should treat Bollywood movies as a long-term investment? Few movies are a better example than this early 1990s SRK outing. You may not be satisfied with the light romantic antics of the first hour that are only lightly colored by a hint of menace. Once you reach the hour and maybe ten minute mark the film changes completely to a violent thriller. And the ending... should I spoil it and say karate bloodbath? To think I nearly gave up on it after far too many love songs and poorly done comedy scenes about deranged servants. Glad I stuck it out cause the ending is absolutely nuts.

And those are my adventures thus far in the wild wold of Indian cinema. There’s still so much to take in from big classics like Sholay and Anand to major modern blockbusters like War and Saaho along with plenty more SRK projects. It actually feels a little overwhelming at times when struggling to decide which massive movie to turn on next but that’s a good problem to have. My hope then is that those of you feeling a little blue about might benefit from my experiences and find your new Saturday night thing.

King Kong: The De Laurentiis Era.

 

    With the upcoming release of Godzilla vs Kong I’d thought of giving the great ape the same sort of treatment as his green and scalely counterpart by running down all his celluloid adventures. Seeing as damn near every movies site out there is bound to have various Kong retrospectives I figure it’s more pertinent to tackle some of the stranger corners of the franchise over the coming month and a half. Believe me there’s some really obscure shit but for now let’s go with something that straddles the line between mainstream and forgotten relic. The De Laurentiis era of Kong movies that began with the first remake, King Kong (1976) and ended with the ridiculed King Kong Lives (1986).

    The matter of obscurity for these two movies often comes down to when someone was born. There’s a whole subset of folks who first experienced the great ape and skull island through these films and hold at least the first one in high-regard. When I was just a wee lad however there was always this feeling of disappointment whenever the 70s version of Kong was on TV instead of the old B&W one. As more years passed since a previous viewing it became easier to forget why I didn’t like the movie and simply fill in the blanks with superficial issues. Maybe it was the different pacing or the switch from awesome stop-motion to a dude in a gorilla suit, or maybe just the presence of Charles Groden turned me off. Having settled in for a revisit I’ve actually gained a little respect for the film while finally pinning down some of the issues that kept it from living up to the oldie in my eyes.

    It’s an odd thing but so much of what does and doesn’t work about this remake simply comes down to the time in which it was made. On the positive front there’s grand expansive cinematography of tropical locations, the overall cinematography in fact. There’s a gorgeous musical score from John Berry. Many of the models that Kong interacts with are marvelous, such as the elevated trains that inspired the iconic, and sadly gone, theme-park ride. The whole approach to the story is based more in reality with a greater focus on the destructive nature of man exploiting nature. Plus I really enjoyed how this is the one version to show a little of the return voyage rather than skipping from Skull Island back to New York.

    That same level of concern for real-world issues, and in the overall emphasis of 1970s films on the darker side of things lends a feeling of cynicism that really drags this adventure down. That issue is reflected the most by the remakes trio of characters. Rather than having the expedition be mounted by an eccentric filmmaker hopeful of capturing images the world has never imaged we get Fred Wilson, a blowhard oil executive. He believes this unknown island hidden by a permanent fog-bank will yield untold riches in oil. Once everything goes tits up he’s inspired to bring Kong home as a living mascot for the company. Replacing Jack Driscoll, the sailor with a heart of gold, we get Jack Prescott, a mangy paleontologist of somewhat shaky morals. The heroine is probably the biggest shakeup as the lovable but down on her luck Ann Darrow has her role filled by Dwan, a budding pron star who washes up in a life raft. I always thought I had a problem with Jessica Lange in this film but having seen it again I’d put the issue more on her character than the actress herself. Dwan is just a silly bimboo who shows up outta nowhere and is apparently greatly aroused by the sensation of being dryed off by hot monkey breath. This new trio fails to provide a solid anchor for the story with Fred being a loud idiot, Jack seeming self-centered, and Dwan being a ditz.

    This seems like the most sensible time to bring up the title character. Here we have a Kong who’s much angrier and hmm… hornier than his predecessor. Whereas other versions of the story showcase the purity of the animal be it is the undisputed king of his island or as a lonely survivor, this film plays up more of his instinctual drive the sexual attraction between him and Dwan. It makes it more difficult to relate and sympathize with the beast as he makes these crazy faces over how excited he is to get this blonde chick outta her cloths. Plus there isn’t as much action from the big guy since he only has one fight scene with another monster and his rampage feels small given the scope of the movie.

    As I mentioned earlier its the sense of cynicism that really cuts down on the enjoyment factor here. Despite the more realistic reason for launching the journey there’s still a sense of adventure early on. As the film progresses everything gets more grim, slimy, and unlikable. The natives are about as underdeveloped as in the original only now their shaman dresses like an ape and trusts his package at a drugged-up Dwan. Skull Island lack the variety of dinosaurs and crazy monsters, save for one giant snake, and the topography is more grim and jagged. The voyage home sees most of the cast in a foul mood with the lovers unable to consummate their relationship as they hear the tortured roars of Kong who, as Fred reminds us, wanted to rape Dwan. Rather than seeing the characters caught up in the thrill of the adventure only to find they’ve done a cruel thing this one reveals in misery. This culminates in several changes to the ending. Fred is crushed underfoot at the performance, Kong dies a bloody death atop the World Trade Center, and when Dwan seeks the comfort of Jack at the end she is surrounded by a rush of reporters looking to make the most entertainment from this tragedy. It’s that classic downbeat 70s sci-fi shit.

    While definitely not as bad, or good, as some make it sound, Kong 76 just doesn’t do enough right to make it worth watching over the much shorter original. Yeah, I forgot that this one marks the trend of Kong remakes only growing in length, adding a half-hour to story. And that’s not accounting for the even longer television cut. Still; it’s worth a view for curiosities sake and the successful elements like the score are still worth your time. For the productions sake the film was basically a hit though considered a slight disappointment, and talks of several sequels were floated around until a decade later.

    Here’s where things get a little weird. King Kong Lives was released in 1986 likely as a response to the then recent return of Godzilla in… Return of Godzilla (or Godzilla 1985). It was something of a reunion as well with the same director, the return of Carlo Rambaldi working on ape effects, and De Laurentiis producing. This time around the budget, scale, and intended audience were all lowered seemingly aiming for the family friendly crowd. The resulting film has been an item of mockery for decades but what’s weirder is how someone is seemingly trying to wipe it from the pop-culture history books. Not only has the last home media release been out of print for over 16 years but no streaming services carry the film nor are there any options to rent or buy a digital copy that I can find. Plus whoever maintains rights to the thing makes sure nothing larger than a trailer or clip makes ti to video sites. Now that’s not to say the movie can’t be found, just not with the ease of any of the other films.

    So is King Kong Lives really as bad as it’s reputation? It’d been a lifetime since I’d last seen the thing, likely way back in my childhood. Having revisited it I can tell you it’s not a very good movie, though not without a few interesting bits and a fair amount of entertainment value.

    The movie begins with a quick recap of the violent helicopter battle atop the twin towers from the 76 version before jumping ahead a whole decade to show that Kong has been on life-support all this time. Researchers in Atlanta plan to give the big guy an artificial heart but they need a blood-donor for the operation to be a success and nothing fits the bill. Cut to Borneo where adventure Mitch finds a female specimen he dubs Lady Kong. Mitch offers up the big girl for bids but Dr. Amy (Post-Terminator Linda Hamilton) stresses they only need blood and the female should be kept far away from Kong for safety.

    What comes next is one of the most outlandish scenarios ever put to film, giant ape heart surgery. We’re talking a crew of doctors with comically oversized medical tools and a goddamn freight-crane digging out Kong’s damaged ticker and installing a shiny artificial replacement. While they never show the gaping chest cavity there’s still a giant monkey heart and plenty of blood which feels so strange in such an otherwise silly sequence. I dare you not to laugh when a surgeon picks up a bone saw the size of a commercial-grade weed-whacker.

    The decision is made to move Lady elsewhere but the attempt makes her panic which wakes up Kong for a bit of rampaging before the pair flee to wild Appalachia. Amy and Mitch try to track them down believing it their responsibility to keep the animals safe while the government sends a weirdly aggressive army general out to capture the creatures. From that point on the movie becomes a square dance between romantic giant apes, caring scientists, sadistic soldiers, and drunken hill folk. It’s a lot to take in. Plus I learned that Kong, much like myself and Amos Moses, has a fondness for gator meat.

    There are still plenty of missteps throughout the picture that feel very characteristic of mid-1980s family adventures such as the weird corny yet dork tone. There’s these strange attempts at humor that almost always fall flat, a human villain getting smashed into a grave yet their legs stick outta the dirt for example. In fact there’s like zero effort to explain why the main army general is so damn angry about pretty much anything. That sort of flat characterization tracks with the rest of the film though with our heroes being very basic. Even with the aforementioned issues King Kong Lives is much like its predecessor in that the best and worst elements walk hand in hand. Characters are flat yet mostly likable. We get to see a softer side of Kong as he romances Lady but we also get some decent chaos as he thrashes the military and pulls hillbillies in half. There’s no real effort at deeper meaning or nuanced filmmaking. This is just a straightforward giant ape adventure for better or worse..

    Lives is indeed a fairly lousy movie but for pure entertainment value I’d put it at least in the upper half of Kong Movies. There’s nor pretentiousness of any kind and it’s one of the rare installments that sets out to do it’s own thing rather than making homages to Apocalypse Now or retelling the same story the same damn story for the umpteenth time. The ending sets up further expansion of the series only the movie bombed horribly save for a surprising amount of ticket sales in Soviet Russia. With that Kong went away for a long stretch before some animated projects and the Peter Jackson remake allowed him to live again.

    As I said earlier there’s little need in discussing some of the big tentpoles of the series so we’ll only talk about the really weird stuff leading up to late March. I think next time we’ll dig into what may be the true low point of Kong’s career, the janky animated musical that is Mighty Kong.

Snack Report: February 2021

 

    February, a month whose name is best spoken with a light shudder and “the” before it. It takes on many forms but in Michigan all those forms are something of a trial. This years model is that of frigid snowstorm. On the plus side such weather makes for very entertaining walks and pretty scenery. On the downside my house is freezing and there’s the occasional odd event like random drunks asking to come in and warm up at two in the morning. Frankly it’s the perfect time to settle in and gorge on foodstuffs so how about we kick off a snack report?

Cheetos Crunch Pop Mix

    Several of the items in this report are just slight revisions to existing items rather than whole new products. Few of them are more obvious then Cheetos Pop Crunch Mix which simply takes regular Cheetos along with the brands pop corn and puts em conveniently in the same bag. It may not be an innovative product but boy howdy it sure is tasty.

    Interesting fact about geographic foodstuffs. Anybody that lives in the great lakes out to New England has easy access to better cheesy snack brands like Better Made, CK, or Herrs’. That’s a big part of the reason I rarely bother with Cheetos since most of their output, save for perhaps a few specialty puffs, simply can’t compete. By putting the popcorn and regular curls together they’ve made it so both items pack up the slack for the other actually making this a viable snacking option.

    One tip to keep in mind when approaching the mix is that the regular Cheetos have a tendency to sink towards the bottom so the occasional shake or stir isn’t out of the question. Once you get going though the combo is so nice save for maybe a few folks who won’t like the texture. This is a softer pop corn variety which pairs rather uniquely with the crunchy stuff in a way that might not work for everyone. For cheese snacks fiends however I can see this becoming the only Cheetos item worth the money. Lack of innovation aside these are at least a four outta five.

Retro Recipe Golden Grahams

    Another slight alteration is this entry in General Mills recent retro line which returns some cereal back to their older formulas or brings back cosmetic factors, etc. I’ve not seen much of the line hit stores and believe me I’ve been primed since I’ve missed those damn fruity shaped Trix pieces. Right now I’ll simply have to entertain myself with the return of honey to the Golden Grahams recipe.

    Unlike other cereals that changed their formulas over the years to diminished returns, Golden Grahams always managed to stay tasty. It’s been long enough since my last bowl of the stuff that I really couldn’t tell you if the old recipe makes that much of a difference though. On the plus side that means both those who wanted the old formula and those who’ve only known the newer one should both be satisfied cause GG has always been damn good. Nothing to complain about here really, though I could get catty about the lackluster attempt at retro packaging. Still a titan of the creal aisle so let’s give it a four out of five.

Lady Gaga Oreo

    Yet another quiet footstep in brand expansion are Lady Gaga Oreos. Fresh off the trio of new flavors like Java Chip and Brookie-O these seem downright quaint. In essence these are just basic Oreos, the golden variety I believe, served up in obnoxious colors and designs. Can’t say as I understand much of anything about the presentation since Gaga ain’t my jam but they’re unique looking.

    Whether it’s a legitimate thing or just the psychological effect these bright colors do seem to offer a slight twist to the normal flavor. Nothing spectacular but I can use em to fill the gap of those hazelnut Oreos that I can never eat. Gaga fans are likely to get a bigger kick out of em and since it’s Oreo it still tastes good. Gotta give props for the odd joy if finding bits of neon green crème on your fingers. Maybe a three and a half out of five.

Lemon Groove Pop Tarts

    At last something totally new, a wild swing for the fences to set the mood for longer days and the slow approach of Spring & opportunity. Am I putting a little too much weight on the crumbly shoulders of these breakfast pastries? Possibly. When dealing with pink lemonade flavored toaster pastries one may as well dream big.

    On the presentation front these are quite nice. Not only are they the sort of pop tart with graphic designs in the frosting but the pink goo and tie-dyed box link everything together in a colorful spring feeling. Scent wise there’s not much of anything to separate these from any other tart so no worries about an astringent pissy smell.

    Believe it or not the flavor is actually quite the success story. They managed to recreate a proper pink lemonade flavor without things getting too bitey or icky tasting. If anything the pucker element of lemonade is reined in almost too far in favor of sweet. Still it tastes bright, snappy, and just a bit pink. I found some of them a little lacking on the amount of frosting. Could simply be a manufacturing issue but for those who obsess on the frosting it’s an important detail.

    Pop Tarts came out with a real winner this time. These are bright and cheery in both appearance and flavor, never becoming too sweet or overbearing. I’m gonna give em at least a four if not a four & a half outta five.

Coke with Coffee Dark Blend

    In a wholly different category we have something of a resurrection that I’ve been looking forward too for a very long time. For a brief speck of time on this miserable dirt pile there was a magical elixir called Coke Blak. The bastard chemical offspring of cola and coffee came in a stylish dark bottle and tasted like heaven. At least that’s how some of us viewed it. I hear there are many haters of Blak but as I will not suffer fools I’ve turned a deaf ear to their cries. Ever since it went away in 2008 I’ve awaited Blak’s return not even bothering with homemade attempts recreation attempts as they would surely fail to provide the proper experience. So when Coke announced a return to coffee and cola duets I was giddy as could be but could this ever hope to live up to my memories of a lost liquid love affair?

    It should go without saying that an unbiased comparison to Blak is basically impossible after all these years. Not like there’s a bottle just lying around. I tried to keep an open mind at the store and picked up the dark blend variety of new Coke with Coffee as I thought it’d be the closest to the original. Taking my first swing something felt amiss but since I’m dealing with the ghost of a sensation I hit the net for some facts. Sure enough the recipe for Coke with Coffee, while similar to Blak, is not exactly the same. For example the old stuff used coffee extract whereas this one uses coffee powder. These little alterations add up to a flavor that isn’t as blended as the one I remember. Memory recalls Blak as being a smooth combination of the two parts while this is starts off like coke before shifting to coffee. The scent is likewise non-committal though that part actually does remind me of Blak.

    I’ve seen a number of folks online complain about this new line being too sugary or leaving you with a post-caffeine drop. As for the truth of these claims I’m honestly not the best person to ask. Caffeine merely keeps me alive and sugar rarely leaves me in the dumps save for the most poorly balanced of energy drinks. I had my second can during a sleeply spell and it honestly helped me perk back up without ill-effects.

    So this is a difficult one, taking at least two cans to make up my mind. I don’t hate it and I’m definitely gonna check out the other two varieties, Vanilla and Caramel. Whether it actually fails to capture that old Blak magic or if my tastes have simply changed who knows. It’s not quite up to that level of quality and everybody else in my house thinks this stuff is nasty. Given the other varieties we’ll come back to this topic later on. For now I’d give this dark blend maybe two and a half out of five.

    That’s all for tonight my dearies. Gotta figure out if I’m brave enough to face the cold for my nightly walk and work on more Kingdom Hearts, don’t be surprised if you see something on that front down the road. Otherwise I advise you all to stay warm and well fed.