As far as the history books are likely
to remember it this Christmas seems like a bit of a late-bloomer.
I've seen people in my neighborhood, folks on the internet, all over
really, mention that they just aren't feeling the spirit this year. I
counted myself among them until just recently. What changed you
asked? Well there's finally some gifts under the tree, I started
shopping as well despite my poor finances, and while I was avoiding
Rise of Skywalker spoilers I dove into some weird holiday
specials and found something wonderfully absurd. Throughout the years
I've wondered why no one has had the good sense to turn The Night
the Reindeer Died or KISS Saves Santa into real specials.
While not quite as spectacular as those I may have found the next
best thing with a Christmas carton staring America's favorite
emotionally crippled killing machine, Rambo.
Rambo: Force of Freedom was the
result of producers looking to turn a purely adult action/thriller
film series into the latest cartoon and toy line for kiddies. The
idea garnered some controversy and the show itself wasn't popular
enough to last more than a season, though 80s cartoon seasons are
pretty massive which means there are plenty of episodes. The show
found PTSD addled murder monster John Rambo leading a crack team of
commandos against the forces of S.A.V.A.G.E. Basically it's just G.I.
Joe with emotional instability. As expected this animated format
required Rambo to forgo his usual killing sprees and utilize less
lethal methods of combat. I'd never really watched the show before
this episode so that low violence policy had me frightened but the
writers still manage to come up with badass crazy stunts for our man
to do. What's better are the musical cues pulled straight from the
films which makes for one of the coolest sounding cartoons ever.
The story begins on Christmas Eve at
an orphanage in the mountains of Colorado where children apparently
exist without adult supervision of any kind. Isn't a nun supposed to
be beating them with a ruler? There's a new kid this year named,
bobby or Johnny or some generic ass name. Fuck it, we're going with
Ricky. Who's gonna correct us? Not his parents, that's for sure. In
case you think I'm being too cruel about orphans, Ricky himself has
got some downright grim views on the subject. When one of the girls
tries to comfort him with the knowledge that Santa brings them gifts
every year he savagely reminds her that nobody cares about orphans
before storming off.
Ricky walks by Santa's village where
he witnesses someone in a Santa suit loading up gifts in a sack. For
any rational person this would be reason enough to return and
apologize to the little girl, but not this kid. He scoffs at this
lame excuse for a Santa before opting to wander off into the
wilderness during a blizzard. Sorta makes ya wonder what happened to
his parents. Wow... just realized this may be the first holiday
special to ever allow the option of victim blaming an orphan.
Whereas most children stuck in a rocky
mountain snowstorm would simply die of exposure, Ricky just so
happens to know the best way to signal for help. By this point in the
80s parents groups had started to demand educational content in shows
so this series went with a theme of survival tips meaning Ricky knows
how to signal S.O.S. With a flashlight. Who else should spot this
call for aid but Rambo himself riding the outside of a helicopter in
a sleeveless hoodie. The pilot is another Force of Freedom member
voiced by the late great James Avery of Shredder and Uncle Phil fame
who unfortunately departs the episode after dropping off Rambo and
the kid back at the village.
You might be wondering why Rambo of
all people just happened to be hanging out on a helicopter in the
rocky mountains. Cause he's coming to see his old buddy Santa of
course. Err. I mean Kris Kaufman. This Santa lookalike used to be a
weapons engineer for some faraway country until Rambo freed him. Now
they spend every Christmas, at least the ones where John isn't in
military prison or Burma, together delivering handmade toys to
orphans. Their reunion is quickly interrupted by the forces of
S.A.V.A.G.E. Who wish to kidnap Kris and force him to build rockets
for their cause. This is where one of the shows weaknesses makes
itself clear. Any toy-shilling cartoon worth it's weight has
instantly recognizable characters like Skeletor or Slimer. The two
primary goons that show up for this seasonal snatch and grab are
powerfully generic. One's just a big vaguely Russian guy whereas his
partner has both a robot hook hand and an eye-patch, pick a novelty
buddy.
The initial kidnapping is a bust so
the villains make off with Ricky as their hostage prompting a pile-up
of action sequences. Upon witnessing the boy... oh my god, it's
Brian, that's his name! Anyhow Brian/Ricky is carried off on
snowmobile which leads to the first in a series of close-ups on Rambo
as his anger builds. Then we're treated to a snowmobile chase where
the kid is saved before the pair are forced to walk back to Santa's
village. When they arrive Kris has been properly santanapped and
Rambo suddenly has a bow and arrow combo. Now it's time to rescue his
old friend with the only transportation available... Santa's sleigh.
Despite being told to stay put Brian hops in the backseat somehow
without Rambo noticing.
What follows is a sequence of events
involving Santa's sleigh taking rocket fire from a crop duster
followed a fistfight on the wing of the plane that caps off with a
dramatic crash. It's all about as hurried & senseless as it
sounds and god is it ever silly fun. Ruskies are shooting rockets at
Reindeer for christsake! The only way it could be capped off is by
having Rambo cross a river on floating logs while defeating his
enemies through feats of balance and buoyancy. Apparently one of
Rambo's other traditions must be the Paul Bonyon challenge.
While the action so far has been fun,
the audience is about to be treated with two of the most badass
moments in any Christmas episode. The first of these majestic feats
comes whil Rambo is approaching the enemy who are held up in a log
camp. He slides down the log chute when two guards toss a grenade his
way. Our hero punches said explosive out of the sky and right into
the villains' trucks parked nearby. Realizing they're dealing with a
man who punches explosive ordinance for fun, the guards flee in
terror.
The following scene is one of those
standard bits where the hero almost saves the day before being
trapped under something, in this case a pile of logs, allowing the
bad guys to escape with Kris in tow. Then something major happens,
the moment in every 80s action story when all bets are off. Beginning
with yet another slow zoom on Rambo's enraged face we're treated to a
gear-up montage. Knives are put in holsters, bandanas are wrapped
around heads, and shirts are torn away as our hero needs zero
wind-resistance for his next move. He grabs a hubcap from a flaming
truck, throws it on the ground, and uses it to surf down a mountain
in order to jump on the enemy transport. The whole thing ranks among
the top five Christmas miracles.
Everything after that point wraps up
as expected. S.A.V.A.G.E. Flees the scene While Rambo, Santa
(Kaufman), and Brian (Ricky) all head back to the orphanage to hand
out gifts, share the joys of the season, and have a hearty laugh or
two. Seriously, this ends with Rambo joyfully laughing it up.
Much like a fine wine this special has
only gotten stranger with time. Consider that when it was made the
world was still fresh off the success of First Blood Part II.
While that film still contained plenty of violence and dark aspects
it is easily the most traditional crowd-pleasing entry of the entire
franchise which makes it a little easier to imagine that John might
make a few new friends and begin to sort his life out. Watching this
fresh off the grim ultraviolence of Last Blood is akin to
whiplash. Sure Rambo was still bringing presents in that film, only
the gifts were things like a claw-hammer slammed into someones
testicles.
When S.A.V.A.G.E Stole Santa is
weird, wonderful Christmas fun. There's no reason for it to exist and
more intellectual types might claim it to be downright irresponsible
to make a kids show from such violent subject matter. Basically it's
the perfect kind of oft-forgotten vintage entertainment that people
would like to emulate but are too damn self-aware to ever pull-off.
As excited as I am to share this special with you all, it can easily
be found online, there's even better news. There's a goddamn
Halloween episode. Guess we know how to start next years Holiday
content.
I sincerely hope everyone out there is
feeling some of the Christmas spirit, or Kwanzaa if you're revving up
for that. If not then please look up odd shows like this to bring a
spark of something different to your celebrations. With any luck I'll
have one more piece of Christmas material in time for the big day,
but in case I get too busy, have a wonderful holiday no matter which
one you celebrate.
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