Tonight’s post marks two, nay three, special events. First is that
I am once free from the shackles of college coursework… for a week
anyway. Still feels like I should apologize for my prolonged absence
during this period as the combo of sociology and theology left me
positively exhausted in regards to writing. The other item if note is
that it’s CosmicSparky’s birthday season for both the site, a few
days ago, and myself, this coming Saturday. In the aim of getting
things back to normal around here along with celebrating with you all
let’s just call the next week or so the great blog post catch-up
(mmmmm, ketchup). I hope to get a multitude of subjects covered to
make up for the extended dry spell and tonight we’re gonna pick up
where we last left off, with a look at two further entries in the
Amityville series. Oh and as for that third special item I hope you
all notice that the site has returned to an ad-free space. Figured it
was about time to start sprucing this place up. Now on with tonight’s
double feature.
Amityville 3-D
(1983)
Just one year after
Amityville II: The Possession hit theaters it was already time
for another trip into America’s most famous haunted house. For this
outing the producers hired what was easily the biggest name director
to grace the series with Richard Fleischer who had made such classics
as Soylent Green, Fantastic Voyage, and Doctor
Doolittle. Pairing him up with writer David Ambrose who
was fresh off of interesting genre fare like The Final Countdown
and The Survivor along with the promise of nifty 3-D
techniques and everything seemed poised for the biggest Amityville
yet. Sadly the results were pretty much a total disaster that nearly
killed the franchise, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
The story this time
around concerns a writer who has made a habit of debunking psychic
phenomenon and spiritualists. After a sting operation on some con
artists at the Amityville House he gets the idea to buy the joint so
he can finally fully separate from his wife and create the great
American novel. Over the next hour and a half this buffoon fails to
realize what’s going on while his new abode slowly gobbles up
everyone around him. Not the worst set-up in the world of horror but
it’s the execution that counts, and that’s where 3-D falters.
The biggest issues
to contend with is how dull film can be combined with a wonky tone.
There are long stretches where nothing much of interest is taking
place with only the occasional scare or absurd moment to snap the
audience back to consciousness. Even the aforementioned scares aren’t
much to write home about often relying on cheap effects like a scene
featuring a flying swordfish. Moments like that are so asinine that
you’d guess they were meant to be comical, only the movie presents
everything as deadpan serious. Which reminds me, we might as well
talk about the body count while we’re at it.
Amityville II
naturally had a larger body count due to the story being based on the
original DeFeo murders. Part 3-D tries to maintain that level of
death and dismemberment without any straightforward method of
accomplishing that goal. The result are several complicated accidents
not all that different from the likes of The Omen or Final
Destination films. In the previous entries the house had to do
its dirty work through people which retroactively makes no sense as
the evil in this one can make people crash their cars, drawn, or just
straight-up pull them into hell. Later entries would do something
similar so long as the victims were in the home but in this rendition
the mailbox could likely bite your arm off.
Even the cast is
unbalanced. Some of them do decent enough jobs. Modern pariah, Lori
Laughlin is alright as the teenage daughter. Robert Joy is fairly
entertaining in the thankless role of a paranormal researcher. Tony
Roberts in the lead role however is a total bore. Guy can barely make
a distinction between emoting deep sadness or jotting down a post-it
note.
For all the
aforementioned issues the movie still isn't quite as awful as its
reputation might suggest. There are at least a couple of ok scenes.
Most of them are atmospheric in nature, people slowly approaching the
house while the wind hauls around them for instance. The best part
involves a wet Lori Laughlin leading her mother through the house,
which sounds totally pervy without context. The musical score isn’t
half-bad either, not up to the levels of its predecessors but solidly
spooky all the same.
Normally it would
be considered good taste to issue spoiler warnings about the ending
only the trailers for the movie already show it so I might as well go
ahead and discuss it. The movie almost embodies its own failure with
an ending that was seemingly inspired by Poltergeist in which
the house gets cranky and explodes for some reason. It’s very
fitting seeing as the movie pretty much killed the franchise. The
first film was an absolute financial home run and the second did
decent business, part 3 barely managed to pay for itself sending the
series into dormancy for six years.
Amityville: The
Evil Escapes (1989)
So what do ya do
after quite literally blowing up the setting of your haunted house
series? Do you ignore the events of the previous film? Do you move in
a new direction? Both of these were the answer producers took when it
came time to get the franchise moving once again and with the shift
in structure came a different release strategy as an NBC TV flick.
The story begins at
some unmarked point in time when a group of priests descend upon the
Amityville home like a supernatural S.W.A.T. team. It’s a group
exorcism complete with bleeding walls, flying furniture, and all
manner of haunted hijinx. During the event the youngest priest sees
the image of evil appear in a hideous lamp that never appeared in the
previous films. He’s knocked out, the house is considered clean,
and the furniture and appliances are put up for sale by the realtor.
That’s where the fun begins.
Some old lady buys
the ugly lamp as a gag gift for her sister on the west coast. During
her purchase she also cuts her finger on a metal portion and spends
her remaining screen-time battling a superpowered strand of tetanus.
Her sister receives the package on the same day that her daughter and
grandkids come to live with her due to their financial issues
stemming from the death of the husband/dad. An escalating chain of
unfortunate events occurs with the blame being placed on the
stressful new living situation rather than the satanic light fixture.
Back on the East Coast the young priest attempts to track down the
lamp in order to save whatever poor soul has come into possession of
it.
For as dumb as the
idea sounds on paper, and how the shift to television would led you
to anticipate a lesser production, The Evil Escapes is
actually a major upgrade from 3-D. It’s all so much more fun
and breezy with more likable characters, better scares. Still miles
away from what most people would consider a good film but a great
deal of fun all the same. Much of this is thanks to writer/director
Sandor Stern who returned to the series after handling screenplay
duties for the first entry. While most of his career was dedicated to
random bits of television, Stern has a few more notable projects like
Pin: A Plastic Nightmare that showcase some real talent.
The cast also does
an admirable job of selling such a whacky storyline. Patty Duke takes
the lead as the widowed mother of three, with no identical cousin to
provide back-up. Jane Wyatt, aka Spock’s mom plays the grandmother
with a strained relationship towards her daughter and grandkids yet a
remarkable ability to face off with cursed antiques. Personally I get
the biggest kick out of another Star Trek alum, Aron Eisenberg
who’s playing like a thirteen year old despite being twenty.
I should note a
little bit of my fondness for this entry is nostalgia. My family
caught this back when it was new, I believe it was actually our first
Amityville film, and so many of my notions about this series come
from it. Images like the garbage disposal and the melting phone
lingered with us for decades in that form that is both more
frightening and silly thanks to the Vaseline vision of memory.
Returning to the film as an adult however doesn’t ruin those hazy
memories as Evil Escape is a perfect encapsulation of late
80’s supernatural cheese right down to a laughable ending. All in
all a fine step in the right direction after the disappointment of
3-D. Not that this improvement prevented the series from
making further silly choices in the years to come. That’s a story
for another time however.
It feels good to be
back dear readers. Don’t worry, despite how the month of June
turned out, we will be talking about more than just outdated ghost
movies over the next couple weeks. In fact I’m making it a goal to
not slip under four entries a month for the rest of the year. Right
now I gotta get back to some proper slacking, next post should be two
or three days away. See you then.
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