Patrick Swayze Christmas Barstool 2020

 

    It’s the strangest thing and I’ve never had a proper notion of where it started but Roadhouse always reminds me of Christmas. It’s not even something that can be traced to an exact memory, such as why I associate Mortal Kombat and the second Resident Evil movie with New Years. Perhaps it’s the tacky neon bar lighting. Maybe it comes down to trashy action films being part and parcel of so many family gatherings. Fact remains that when I think of the Double Deuce I get just a tiny bit more jolly. Naturally this association only contributes to the fun of the Patrick Swayze Christmas Barstool. A tradition that has returned once again to brighten our spirits.

    For any of you who are stumbling onto one of these posts for the first time I’ll give you a quick background. Inspired by MST3K’s song “Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas” the barstool is a way of expressing your holiday spirit outside of traditional forms like trees and inflatable snowmen. The rules are not all that dissimilar from Halloween mood tables popularized by Dinosaur Dracula/X-Entertainment. Simply grab a barstool, or any chair that is safe to light up, and decorate to your hearts content. It’s your space to be as wild or reserved as you want.

    While I often dream of bigger concepts for each year, one of these days this thing is getting reindeer, I often lack the materials. That was even more the case this year with fewer trips to the store and a dwindling supply of lights. And let’s not forget the addition of young kitties who are just fascinated by lights and tinsel. I did manage one important development this time around, Swayze ornaments.

    These ornaments are something I’ve been thinking of for years so it’s nice to finally have them on hand. Thing is they’ll likely need to be remade due to a few errors on our part. The sizing and double-sided printing worked out well but our attempts at laminating didn’t hold so there’s some double-sided tape holding these things together. I think next time I’ll just find some of those photo frame ornaments and match photos up accordingly. Our faulty craftsmanship aside these are still terrific additions. My primary goal was to capture many facets of Swayze. There’s dancing Swayze, Roadhouse Swayze, handsome Swayze, horse Swayze, even militant surfer Swayze. Have I written Swayze enough for ya?

    Given the presence of actual Roadhouse material it only felt right to top it all off with whatever booze was handy. At the time this meant an assortment of odd beer and seasonal cider. Gotta make special mention of that Peanut Butter Porter, delicious. If I felt the need I could add one of those giant jugs of Costco Whiskey to equation though I don’t dare risk such precious commodities. What’s the risk you ask? Well I was just about to get to that.

    Unlike past iterations this years barstool faces a pair of predators/fanboys. Our older cats were never ones for messing with decorations. They loved sleeping under the Christmas tree but by and large they knew to leave things in place. Our new lads are not only a bit more wild but the youngest has grown quite the fascination with this construct, often using it as his own fortress of solitude. Several minutes of each day are now reserved for repairing the display after he invariably makes sweet love to it. He is beginning to be less destructive towards as he now likes to cozy up and stare at the lights, like he’s receiving messages from his alien overlords. My advice to owners of rambunctious animals is that there’s a value in keeping your barstool simplified.

    That’s all I’ve got for tonight. It’s about time to hit up wally world in search of ice cream, lights, and cracklin. While I’m away why don’t you all entertain yourselves by making your own Swayze barstool. It honestly doesn’t take that much work. Some lights, maybe tinsel/garland, and scotch tape to hold things in place. Put one together, set it in front of a window, and watch the confused and judgmental looks from your neighbors.

Christmas Snack Report: Elf vs Elf on the Shelf Cereal.

 

    It seems odd that of all the holidays on the calendar only Halloween has iconic breakfast cereals with which to celebrate. This is especially odd at Christmas, a time of the year when flavorful items like gingerbread and eggnog abound. The various great lakes cereal groups took some stab a the problem with not one, but two elf themed eats. One is based on a tacky decoration that has tormented children for decades, the other off of a tacky comedy. To be fair Elf on the Shelf is a returning item but we’ll just pretend it’s something new and shiny. Being a man filled to the brim with holiday spirit I see it as my duty to place these two items in the arena to see who emerges as the supreme elven treat. If any of you are worried about potential biases based on license don’t worry. Not only did my family avoid the elf on a shelf tradition but we’re not big on the movie Elf either. And no I don’t care if I’m somehow missing out. Let me keep Christmas in my way. As soon as some company produces a Christmas Evil themed breakfast item then I’ll show some bias.

Round 1: Presentation.

    Rating the quality of presentation for Elf is a tad odd as it is both faithful to the source material yet not all that Christmasy. On the one hand I’d like to give it a pat on the back for fan-pleasing aspects like the narwhal. On the other hand the generic snowflakes and pine trees feel more inclined to winter than to the holiday itself. That same feeling carries on to the look of the cereal. Knock off Kix with tree marshmallows says hunting cabin more than the giving season. There’s no doubt it’s a decent effort and I like the tone of Elf green that permeates the box, but it just doesn’t scream festive.

    While unfortunately afflicted by a bit of that sterile design that permeates so much of modern consumerism, Elf on the Shelf manages to push out some pretty solid holiday vibes. Opting for a wintry blue color with the classic candy-cane wrapped sign alongside the elf it sorta looks like an ad for a Rankin Bass special. It’s aided immensely by the red and green star cereal pieces and flying bits of mini-marshmallows. In fact the bowl presence is what helps to set this one apart. We’re talking garland worthy foodstuffs here.

Winner: Elf on the Shelf

Round 2: Scent:

    No way around it, Elf smells as if someone found a way to seal diabetes into a box. It just reeks of maple and sugar. Not only is this overpowering but it’s a dishonest hint about the eating experience to come. Once you pour some out of the bag the open air dissipates the scent into something fit for human consumption.

    On the shelf is a little more subtle, still sweet smelling as all hell, just less so. It doesn’t really smell like sugar cookies however, leaning more towards rice crispie treats. What sets it apart from that mainstay is a more powdery sensation rather than the greasy undertone of treats. At least the smell is more of an honest indication of the eating experience to come.

Winner: Elf on the Shelf (for being hones)

Round 3: Dry

    Once upon a time I made quite the habit of eating dry cereal, as we probably all do at one point or another. These days I’m much more of a milk guy but I still give each cereal a shot when it comes to dry snacking. On that front Elf is pretty solid. Not only is the maple flavor not as overpowering as the initial scent suggested but some of it absorbs into the marshmallow trees making for a decent treat. Elf on the Shelf isn’t so special due to the powdery sugar coating that tickles the nose along with the nearly impossible to find mini-marshmallow. Beyond that the texture of Elf on the Shelf is just awful without milk to soften it up while Elf has a comfortable crunch to it. Obvious winner here.

Winner: Elf

Round 4: With Milk

    The make it or break it moment for any cereal comes with the precious addition of milk and Elf handles that addition splendidly. It absorbs at a decent enough pace to soften without turning to sludge, the marshmallows are excellent, and the maple flavor blends well with milk. It’s surprising how smooth that flavor actually is after the ridiculous smell. It’s just a well balanced cereal. Not up to the level of top tier brands but the unique flavor adds an important novelty factor.

    Elf on the Shelf has a few more issues on this front. Milk absorption is wonky with the pieces staying crunchy for a prolonged period before converting to sponges. The main flavor doesn’t match any sugar cookie I’ve ever had, nor is it all the unique. Plus the tiny marshmallows are too small and infrequent to make much of a difference. This isn’t a bad cereal, just generic and a little lifeless. That being said the sweetened milk aftermath makes foe a delightful finish.

Winner: Elf

Bonus Round: Combined

    In a moment of boredom an idea sprung forth. If neither of these are the end all be all of Christmas cereal, what would happen if they shared the same bowl? Unlike the Planeteers combining these powers didn’t add up to much. Both items combat each-other which makes it rare to get am even dose of both tastes. If you’re gonna get both items anyway this is still fun as a kind of breakfast roulette. Just don’t expect much in the way of results.

    For the final judgment I’m declaring Elf the overall winner. Elf on the Shelf has the presentational aspects nailed but falters on vital elements like taste and texture. Elf can at least stand out as a different experience from everything else in the cereal aisle. If you’re completely outta your gourd with boredom there’s nothing wrong with getting both, feel free to indulge. The quest for a king of Christmas cereal is still ongoing however. Seeing as General Mills and Kellogs have both taken a shot I’m issuing a triple-dog-dare to Post to get off their butts next Xmas.

    With that we’re back on the holiday train. I wrapped up school this past weekend, for good this time. My fancy upgraded degree should be on its way soon and I can finally push all of my writing time towards pleasurable pursuits. Ten Days till Christmas, let’s see what kinda jolly damage we can do.

Starting Up the Holidays with The Small One and Snacks.

 

December is here. At last the curtain is about to drop on this profoundly lame year. What better way to send it packing than a month of cookies, killer Santa flicks, and a hefty layer of snow. Seriously though, where’s my snow? Anywho, what better way to ring in this strange and makeshift festive season than a grab bag of seasonal food, animated specials, and springtime soda? If you’d be so kind as to sit down by the glow of the screen we’ll talk Christmas.

I really wanted to step up my Christmas celebrations as much as possible this year, keeping in mind that big adventures and events are outta the question. One thing I knew heading into this month was that I could watch something seasonal every night leading up that grand moment of presents and eggnog. Unlike my Halloween viewing this doesn’t mean movies, just something holiday flavored each night be it an old cartoon, sitcom episode, whatever. As December 1^st was winding down so came the realization that I’d no clue what to start with. I aimed for something on the shorter side which is how a few items on Disney+ caught my eye. The Small One, animated, just over twenty minutes, should do the trick. Within the opening credits I witnessed a combination of words that any child of the 80s-90s learned to fear, directed by Don Bluth.

In case you’re too young to have ever experienced a Don Bluth movie here’s the breakdown. The guy’s a genius of animation who gave an entire generation of children crippling emotional issues. Guy looks at the sort of manipulative drivel companies like Pixar churn out and calls them sissies. Be it dead families, abandonment issues, childhood sickness, animal abuse, racism, even the damn end of the world, any trauma was a ripe subject for his movies. Since his films didn’t tend to talk down to their audience those traumatizing themes really hit their target. Given just a half-hour to work with he aims a bit small here by just focusing on a farm boy who is being forced to sell his beloved donkey. Just the thing to watch in a year with multiple pet deaths. I swear to god I kept it together.

To make things even weirder the majority of this special has little to do with Christmas. It clearly takes place in a biblical setting so you spend a good deal of time waiting for Jesus or somebody like that to show up. In the meantime you witness the kids friendship with the animal, the shock of learning the family can no longer afford to keep it, and their journey into town to find a new loving owner for the creature. Of course the town is ruled by greed and cruelty so people either laugh at the pair or offer to kill the poor beast. Finally; when all seems lost a smooth operator called Joseph shows up and is all like “yo I need a fresh ride for my babygirl” (not an accurate quotation). With that the small donkey marches off to biblical fame. Admittedly I’m skipping some details but it’s one of those everyone has a purpose stories. Honestly it was alright, and I’m always glad to add some animation history to my memory banks. Just wish someone had invented a Bluth alert.

Outside of emotionally debilitating animated specials I’ve spent some time catching up with seasonal foodstuffs. On that front there’s a very special post coming later this week about the two Christmas elf themed cereals. My recent samplings stretch across a wider span of time from autumnal breakfast items to springtime soda. Take Caramel Apple Jacks for example.

Clearly meant for Halloween, Caramel Apple Jacks took some time to show up around these parts. It’s just as well since the current weather is still in that post Thanksgiving mode of cold and brown that feels so right for candy coated fruit. Sadly the cereal ain’t all that hot on any front. The packaging is generic, neglecting any seasonal elements. The smell is grossly artificial, and the flavor isn’t much better. Regular Apple Jacks have that low key flavor which is easily overtaken by the addition of caramel. While I’m a caramel fan the flavor profile here is way too fake tasting. It’s not an outright failure but there’s no reason for anyone to worry about missing out on this one.

Now here’s an odd one. Mtn Dew Frostbite originally came out way back in March during the opening salvo of lockdowns and face-masks. For some reason not a single store in my whole damn metro area had this stuff. Suddenly, just a few days before Halloween I saw someone standing in a checkout line with a case. With all the speed an overweight mid-westerner can muster I lumbered to the back of the store and fell to my knees in front of two lingering cases. Was all the waiting, searching, and shortness of breath worth it? You bet your damn bippy it was.

Described as an icy cool melon flavor, Frostbite makes me think of what White Out could be if it were good. It’s got a nice bitey chill to it with a smooth fruit flavor throughout. Add to that the great packaging with a frosty shark bursting through the ice within a windy winter scene. The brains at Dew may not have intended it but this is a prime example of wintertime soda. Better yet this is apparently a permanent addition to the line, pending anyone ever restocks it. I’m in love and I highly recommend anyone take some quiet time to sip a can while staring at Christmas lights for a boost of holiday cheer.

It only seems fair during this opening bout of festive features that I actually talk about a Christmas treat of some kind. That’s where Sugar Cookie Hershey Kisses come in. First off I gotta give a hand to the team behind all these seasonal Kisses varieties. They don’t always hit a home run but they keep on swinging for those fences and that makes life just a wee bit more interesting. That’s not to saying anything bad about this Sugar Cookie edition which I’d rank a bit higher on the Kisses ladder. They’re white chocolate with crunchy cookie bits giving them a unique texture that satisfies the need for both sweet and crunchy and the flavor, while not an exact match to their namesake, is fairly solid. As always the packaging is on point with special wrappers for the candies. The downsides are the odd smell and that, let’s be honest, not everyone’s big on white chocolate. If you hate the white stuff then these won’t do anything to change your mind but for those of us who enjoy it these are good to keep handy.

And thus begins my weird Christmas season. Gonna do my best to bring you all some fun items throughout the month. In fact, the only thing in my way is this last week of my final class. Yes; yours truly will finally have upgraded to a bachelors degree. And you’d best believe I’ll be indulging properly in the season before next year brings a fresh search for employment. For now just keep an eye out for that cereal post coming sometime this week between a paper and an exam.