Snack Report: May 2020

Earlier this year I made the decision to transform the usual junk food reviews into a proper monthly format where we could just have a nice open dialogue about whatever nifty novelties were found on shelves. Then mother nature found a way to reclassify shopping trips as death sports and the option of perusing the nearest sprawl mart at two in the morning went up in smoke. It's definitely become much more difficult to go on the hunt for specialty snacks but given a little luck, and the gap of time since our last update on the subject, I've manged to cobble together enough items for a proper Snack Report. Seeing as many of you are likely having the same trouble in getting your hands on proper munchies it's practically a public service to let you all know if any of today's items are something you're missing out on or whether it's alright to simply let it pass. Do note that due to the longer span of time since our last update and the general confusion of the past few months I am lacking photos for some items.

Chocolate Marshmallow Oreo and Caramel Coconut Oreo

Both these flavors actually launched way back in January but my local stores totally lapsed on getting them stocked before lockdowns went in effect. I'd actually given them both up as lost until a lucky online grocery order brought them home,

First let's talk Chocolate Marshmallow. These didn't sound like much of a departure from standard Oreo so I wasn't expecting much but they turned out to be a nifty little treat. Take the core qualities of chocolate Oreo then infuse marshmallows into the cookie. We're not talking the big soft marshmallows either. No, these are the dusty compact ones so commonly found in hot cocoa mixes. The downside is those mini-mallows don't absorb moisture all the well when encased in a cookie shell so these aren't the best coffee dunkers though they are excellent dry cookies. Let's say 3.5 outta 5.

Given a long-held hated for coconut sweets the new Caramel Coconut flavor was fighting an uphill battle. While I wouldn't say they won me over, they didn't totally disgust me either. Granted that likely comes down to the comforting presence of caramel which is very prominent in the flavor profile of this variety, almost too much so. These feel unbalanced in their execution, not terrible but the flavors come in wave rather than working together as a cohesive whole. Both coffee and milk help to smooth out the balance between all the different components but it's still tough to offer much of a recommendation. Maybe 2.5 out of 5, possibly higher if you actually like coconut

Canada Dry Bold Ginger Ale

Undoubtedly one of the true knockouts of recent soda releases this new bold ginger ale is the perfect weapon in the war known as allergy season. Both spring and summer often leave me with a decent amount of nasal drip which in turn produces a cruddy throat and accompanying cough. Seeing as coughs currently rank alongside demonic ventriloquist dummies as the scariest shit on the planet it's only natural to want an easy remedy. That's what this bold stuff does, cuts through the crude and opens up your tubes. Stuff is right up there with Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos for medicinal snacking. If you're anything like me and prefer your junk food to have a practical benefit this new Canada Dry is gonna become a staple of your fridge. A wonderful 5 out of 5.

Canada Dry Orange Aid Ginger Ale

Not content to merely rest on one new product those Canadian ginger nutters launched their aide line, both lemon and orange. Where Bold exists to heal, Orangeaide is made to refresh, and it does so quite well. What's best about this combination is that orange makes for a lighter drinking experience perfect for those who can't stand the burn factor so common to ginger ale. It's difficult to get as excited about this one after my elation for Bold but this is still a quality drink. Let's say 4 outta 5.

Vanilla Cherry Coke

Another early year product that local distributors ignored for months, new Cherry Vanilla Coke seeks to combine the two best Coke variations into one perfect slurry. Sadly the experiment isn't quite up to snuff. This is a classic case of two great flavors working against each-other. On one end the cherry twists the smooth and sweet nature of vanilla which in turn removes the refreshing sting of cherry. It's still good of course as the offspring of two perfect items is expected to be. Fact is it doesn't live up to either of its forebears, let alone create its own unique identity. I don't see this one lasting and it's not like you couldn't simply combine the two different flavors into one glass on your own. 2.5 out of 5 though I'm being a little generous.

Starburst Yogurt

If ever snack foods needed a poster child for disappointment, now is not that time. Yet here we are looking at the launch of Starburst Yogurt, an items that sounds like pure heaven yet only offers an overwhelming sense of meh. It almost feels wrong to be so cruel towards this product since it honestly isn't that bad. Simple facts are the bar for super sweet yogurt has been raised many times by the likes of Trix and Yoplait Whips. Starburst just lacks the special something needed to compete in that field. There isn't enough bitey fruit power in the flavor nor is it as purely sweet as the composition. Worst of all it doesn't even taste all that much like its namesake candy. What we have here is an eat and forget it novelty. 2 out of 5.

Hershey Kisses Cereal

Recent years have revealed a trend for candy crossing over to the breakfast aisle. Most of these experiments have been strange at best, and downright rotten at worst. When I originally came across Kisses cereal it did very little to grab my attention, not like there's a shortage of chocolate cereals after all. After taking on more outlandish offerings like Jolly Rancher cereal I finally brought home a box of Kisses and learned the error of my ways. It's not the best option for a morning chocolate fix but it's a strong enough snack to deserve an extended life on the shelves. Let's talk the best and worst aspects of the eating experience. The texture is far from ideal, coming off as a bit too cardboard like if not given the proper amount of exposure to milk. Giving the cereal some extra time to luxuriate in milk reveals the best part of the meal as the chocolate coating creates some delicious drinkable goodness. Even chocolate royalty like Cocoa Pebbles can't create this level of quality chocolate milk. Really hope this stuff stays around for a while. I'd say it earns a 4 outta 5.

Pretzel Pop-tarts

Yet one more early year item that took a while reach the home. Also like one of our Oreo flavors this had an uphill battle against my picky nature regarding pretzel products. Somehow the folks at Kelloggs took the idea of combining pastry treats and pretzels, a concept seemingly doomed to failure, and put out an absolute winner. Granted I've only had my hands on the cinnamon version but these babies just work so well. It's bready and soft, sweet with just enough salt, almost perfectly balanced on every front. This is exactly the kind of kooky shit that keeps me coming back for stunt foods time and time again and I really hope these find an audience in this currently difficult market. Gonna treat this to a 5 outta 5.

And, oh my god, I think I've done it. The near constant combo of school and allergies is constantly poised to derail my updates, the allergies sleepies are threatening to take over as I type this. Still; a successful update is something to celebrate as I try to remind myself that writing can still be fun, when it's not about sociology or theology for instance. Gonna do my best to get another update for you guys before this month is out. Right now I gotta get away from this computer before I pass out in a pool of allergy triggered head fluids.