The past few days have been a whirlwind
of activity for me. A couple of folks have been outta the house which
usually equates to a sort of vacation, though it also means there are
less people around to deal with chores and such. Combine that with
work and the yearly dig to unearth my Halloween decorations, one
starts to feel the need for a reward. What luck that the first in a
series of mystery boxes for our Halloween coverage arrived Tuesday.
I'd like to say it was just what the doctor ordered, but...well, this
one's gonna require a bit more detail than the usual subscription box
review.
Cryptocurium' Parcel of Terror is a
horror themed subscription service focused on handmade goods. We're
talking completely unique items you can't get elsewhere which is
something I appreciate in a mystery box. Usually these come in the
form of magnets, wall plaques, or art prints. This homemade element
also lends itself to a slightly higher price to item ratio. Turns out
the the Parcel of Terror works out to being more expensive than a
Funko box by a few cents. Even so; I've heard enough praise of the
service especially from the patron saint of unboxings and fellow
man-child, Johnny Tellez that I figured it was time to give it a try.
Before we even get to the box, I want
to address the matter of timing. This box is the August, Summer of
Fear edition. I ordered it in July, it didn't ship until the last day
of August. It got here on the 5th of September. Pumpkin
Spice foodstuffs have flooded the markets, cool temperatures have
become the norm rather than the exception, Labor Day has past, for
all practical purposes Summer is finished. If this sort of timing
continues, future costumers will be opening their Halloween box while
they're taking down decorations, and the Christmas box will arrive
after the ball drops. This isn't the only service to suffer from such
lackluster timing but it's still an element of the subscription
service experience that I find very tiresome.
In the month of waiting for my box to
ship, I learned a few things about Cryptocurium. First off is that
the main site is essentially just a fancy etsy page. With that comes
a certain lack of upscale features and customer service. Case in
point is the manner in which one cancels their subscription. I ended
up having to do this far in advance of receiving the box because I
need the cash free to include some other items in this years
Halloween coverage. Thanks to past experience I'm used to either
having an account manager feature or just writing the guy in charge
to cancel. Seeing as the former wasn't an option and I saw an e-mail
address in the description for cancellations, I instinctively
followed that outlet. After days without a response I was about ready
to get sassy, until I realized I was a jackass who misread the whole
cancellation instructions. You have to go into your paypal account
and block further transactions. It's a cumbersome way of doing
business though I understand the psychology behind it. Guy's busy
making the items, he doesn't have time to micromanage his customers.
On that topic, to my knowledge you can only buy this service with
Paypal. It's not an issue so much as a notable limitation.
Finally we reached the day of arrival.
The first thing I noticed is this box was small. I mean really small.
Unlike the average mystery box this one fit into my mailbox along
with the usual amount of ads and bills. Opening up reveals a one page
letter describing the items, I always skip these things to maintain
the surprise. One part that wasn't a surprise was the magnet which
had been previously revealed online. It's the biggest one the service
has ever done. Quite fitting for Bruce, the great white shark of Jaws
fame. The magnet is made of resin and handpainted and is downright
impressive. You'd have to be a real dick to say much of anything
nasty about this piece of work. Unfortunately I can't say the same
for the rest of this box.
The next item on hand is a small art
print, well not really. It's more like a big postcard than a proper
print. Titled Cruel Summer It's a purposefully rough and sketchy
looking spread of classic summertime villains like Cropsy or the
Humanoids from the deep. It's an ok piece, certainly not anything I'd
frame, but ok.
After that is a Splatterhouse sticker.
Not only do I not see the seasonal connection here but it's a
sticker. As a man in his early 30's, what the hell am I supposed to
do with a unique crafted sticker?
Then there's a sucker. Yep, just a
random bit of candy. And that's it.
Ya want to hear the truly insulting
part of this experience? Now keep in mind that that this Parcel of
Terror costs $35, then take into account that there is a smaller
Packet of Terror for $20 that is supposed to include the month's
magnet and sticker along with some candy. That means all ya get for
an extra $15 is that mostly forgettable art card.
Honestly I'm floored. I can't follow a
train of thought that arrives at the conclusion that it's alright to
take this much money from people only to give them so little in
return. I understand that this is a small operation, lacking the
corporate power that fuels so many other services. Not to mention I
feel sorta mean for tearing a box like this apart as it's personal
work and not mass produced nonsense from faceless corporations. The
fact remains however that this is, without a doubt, the worst mystery
box to ever come into my home. And I'm not saying this to be mean as
I think Jason, the main man behind the operation has an immense
talent for making some of these items. Yet I can not recommend his
service to anyone. This was a lousy purchase that makes you feel like
you've been swindled. That's not a feeling I enjoy myself and
definitely not something I would wish on my readers.
For as much of a disappointment as
this box was, it failed to diminish my good cheer towards the onset of
Fall. On the very same day the parcel showed up I had already been to
various stores, picking up new candies, decorations, and pumpkin
beers. I'm more excited than ever for this season though I still
can't leave Cryptocurium completely behind me as they have a
crossover item with our next mystery box, Fright Crate. Until that
arrives we've got plenty of fun topics to cover, which means I'll be
seeing you all again soon.
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