Since my last update a certain movie
has become the internet's new whipping boy. Yes I'm talking about
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. This gargantuan effort
from Warner Bros to kick their own shared shared cinematic universe
into high gear has been met with buckets of cash and plenty of scorn.
Seeing as I'd been dreading the outcome of this one for sometime I
wasn't exactly shocked by the response it received. Still; being a
superhero fan meant it was time to head to my local theater, the same
place I've watched comic cinema like Batman Forever, Spawn, Blade,
Spider-Man, Superman Returns, Rise of the Silver Surfer, etc. Was
the experience truly as bad as critics and my fellow audience members
seemed to think it was? Read on for answers but be warned there will
be loads of spoilers.
Before that lame accusation of “you're
just a Marvel fan” pops up, I'd like to note that I totally want a
DC film slate to succeed. Can you imagine how great it would be to
have both companies pushing out quality flicks on a regular basis?
We're talking nerd heaven, especially for those of us who keep Batman
and Spider-Man hardcovers on their bookshelf. Hell; I've even
harbored my own concept for a Superman film, and yes it would be at
least 3 hours long. I want all my superheroes to flourish on screen
but I can not get behind crappy movies. There's a reason I've never
watched all of Iron Man 2.
The biggest issue with this film, well
other than it's garbage script, is that it approaches the subject
matter of superheroes with zero passion. Every scene is a trudge
through another dramatic speech or grimaced face. Even when there's
an attempt at humor, it usually falls flat only to be followed by
another slow motion pose. Locations are interchangeable and largely
ugly, astounding feats are at an all time low. There's simply nothing
resembling a heartbeat here. Thankfully I didn't seem alone in this
feeling as I watched heads sink in the audience. Three adult men left
after the first hour, and folks walked out as the ending was still
transpiring. There was never a clap or a cheer, at best there some
laughs at the two jokes that actually worked.
Despite a double billing, this leans
more towards being a Batman affair. I am not one of those people who
threw a fit about Ben Affleck being cast as the big bad bat. I
usually enjoy his work and the mere fact that he directed Gone
Baby Gone earns him a fairly large hall pass. Even those who
trashed this movie have been impressed with Ben's performance and he
does indeed do a good job with what he's given. That may account for
all the scenes were he appears bored out of his mind.
For decades, writers have struggled to
remember that Batman's power is his intellect. Guy's the world's
greatest detective after all. Here he's more of an overbearing bully.
He's stubborn, selfish, cruel, and crazy easy to manipulate. When
Superman shows up for the big battle asking for help, Batman's
response is to beat him nearly to death and even throw in a little
torture all while insulting supes for not being as good as humans. In
2016, a time when racial and class divides are the hot-button issue
billionaire Bruce Wayne's goal in life is to bully a
minority.....yikes.
You've probably heard that Batman
kills people this time around. That is true. He's killed in other
films and different comic variations over the years which means you
could have a whole editorial on this topic. Rest assured that he
probably has the second highest body count of the film behind Lex
Luthor. What bothered me most about his violent attitude is a scene I
haven't seen many people discuss. The scene in question involves Lex
Luthor returning to his offices only to the guard shack on fire,
ambulances in the parking lot, broken glass, bullet casings, the
whole shabang. Batman stopped by to steel some kryptonite off camera
and in the process saw fit to terrorize and injure presumably
innocent civilians. Ya know I'm kind of with Superman on this one.
The bat guy has got to go.
Another element of Batman's role in
this tale are dream/premonitions. The first one where a flock of bats
lift him into the air earned some chuckles and murders from the
audience. The second one with what seems to be Man-Bat earned
confused glances, then we got to the big one.
The first time we actually see Batman
in action is during a vision of a hellish future where he gives the
Chuck Norris treatment to a band of Superman worshiping soldiers
before being captured. That's when we meet evil future Superman who
slices people in half with his laser eyes. This all caps off with The
Flash making his first appearance as a screaming banshee delivering
cryptic messages from beyond. So that's the Gotham City portion of
this tale, what about the other guy?
You'd be forgiven for thinking this
was a Superman movie. Poor bastard practically fades into the
background of what is in essence a sequel to his last adventure.
Perhaps if the writers had chosen to bless him with a personality
things would be different, but alas no. Confidence, joy, a sense of
humor, this Superman knows not these things. Even after saving people
his most upbeat response is to crawl off to the nearest dark corner
and have a cry. Perhaps he deserves it since the quality of his
heroics varies wildly. Early in the film he can hear Lois Lane
getting into trouble in Africa, while later on he can't locate his
own mother in the same damn city. Even he can't believe it when he
fails to notice a bomb a dozen feet away.
There is one montage where we're
treated to the blue boy scout doing his thing and rescuing people all
around the world but lord knows it wouldn't be complete without tons
of Christ imagery and debate over whether his existence is a bad
thing.
Then there's his problems with Batman.
First we have to get past the idea that Clark has never heard of
Bruce Wayne or the dark knight despite living across the bay from
Gotham where bat antics have been occurring for the last twenty
years. Now that he's caught up with the rest of the world, Superman
is morally outraged, so guess what he does. Maybe give this tack down
this vigilante and engage in a proper conversation? Nope, he just
tears apart the batmobile and makes thinly veiled threats. Alright,
he might deserve an ass kicking for that one.
So what about the villain who's
arranging this battle of titans? Full disclosure, I can't stand
Jessie Eisenberg but even I won't lay all the blame for this version
of Lex Luthor on him. Once again an actor has to work with the
material, and when they say be the twitchy, quirky, annoying villain
with a million speeches about lies, gods, and power, you try your
best to make it work.
For the life of me I can't fathom how
anyone thought turning Luthor into a mix of Jim Carrey's Riddler and
punchline Marvel villain Arcade was a good idea yet this is what
we're subjected too. His dialogue is such that you dig your
fingernails into the seat everytime he appears. And then there's all
his needlessly goofy shit like force feeding jolly ranchers or
leaving a mason jar of urine in the middle of the senate building.
Lex's villainous scheme this time
around? Well thank god for once it doesn't involve real estate. No,
Lex is concerned with showing Superman to be a fraud. To this end he
he tries to frame him for murders in Africa, and a bombing at senate
hearings, all while pushing Batman to kill him, and even growing a
cave troll knockoff for good measure. All of these plots are easily
traced back to Lexcorp, unless you're Batman who can't even put in
the same amount of legwork as Lois Lane. Granted these evil schemes
do provide a certain amount of threat but it all feels a little weak
seeing as all our heroes have plentiful opportunity to smack this guy
down, if only they weren't so far up their own asses. Oh yes, we have
one more hero to talk about.
Having only seen Gal Gadot in the Fast
and Furious flicks, I was a bit concerned she wouldn't work as Wonder
Woman. Color me surprised then when she actually turned out to be
fairly entertaining despite her abysmal amount of screen time, most
of which is spent attending social functions in various cocktail
dresses.
In all I'm still not totally convinced
she can carry an entire movie on her own but that's because I largely
have no idea what this version of Wonder Woman is all about. She
barely speaks to Superman and while it's nice to see one of these
three characters shows signs of a smile there's little else to set
her apart.
While we're on the subject of ladies,
let's talk about poor Lois Lane who is handed a subplot so lame I
actually forgot it was happening. After her trouble in Africa she
goes in search of the source of a fancy bullet used in the massacre.
This takes over an hour only to of course point back to Lexcorp. None
of it matters though as no one will confirm her findings. Still
unlike, Bruce Wayne the girl at least knows how to investigate.
Once the bullet plot line is finished
it's right back to being a damsel in distress. Clark has to rescue
her at least three times in this movie, maybe more. Oh and for fans
of that lady dialogue test, she and wonder woman never speak to each
other opting instead for the movie's bread and butter of sad glances.
So what about the other characters
who've been shoved into this mess? Fellow Justice League members
Flash, Aquaman, and Cyborg are almost exclusively reduced to
glorified youtube videos. The only exception being Flash's brief
appearance as a screeching phantom from the future in a particularly
hammy scene that comes across as purposefully vague in case they need
to make course corrections in later films.
Jimmy Olsen's in here. He's a C.I.A.
Operative who takes a bullet to the head.
Perry White is just kind of there.
The fairly small supporting character
of Luthor's assistant, Mercy Graves as played by Tao Okamoto has been
reduced to generic mysterious Asian lady who's clearly up to no
good....that is until Lex blows her up.
Cold War era Batman foe, KGBeast is
here as your standard issue terrorist.
Oh and let's not forget Wallace. The
former Waynetech employee who lost his legs after being crushed by a
girder during the climactic finish of Man of Steel. He spends his
days hating Superman until Lex gives him a shiny new wheelchair that
house a bomb.
Diane Lane gets to be a damsel in
distress as well as the clunky plot point that bonds the heroes when
Batman discvera their moms have the same name. The ghost of Pa Kent
shows up as well and my first though was “oh thank god it's Kevin
Costner!” His folksy wisdom nearly provided actual emotional
content.
Holly Hunter as Senator Finch provides
plenty of irritating southern cliches until she's blown up next to a
jar of piss.
Doomsday fails to even register as a
character. He's just a larger laser eyed version of a cave troll.
While not handled as poorly as Origins era Deadpool, his appearance
amounts to about as much. He's just there to provide a CG punching
bag for the big finale.
Oh and Alfred Pennyworth is in there
too. Tasked with the thankless task of trying to convey what a moron
Bruce Wayne has been of late.
Then there's that ending. This is big
spoiler area here, people. So Superman dies fighting Doomsday
because, why not? Jesus, Clark, stab the monster in the fucking back
why don't ya? Director Zack Synder has admitted this was done so
there's a reason to put Batman in charge of forming the Justice
League. In the meantime not a tear was shed in my theater cause no
one bought this death as anything other than a stunt. By this point
the movie had already hinted at Superman being alive and evil in the
future. Plus they introduced something called a genesis chamber which
could presumably be used as a means of resurrecting the man of steel.
To top it all off the closing shot of the movie is the dirt on
Clark's coffin starting to vibrate and float, hinting that he's still
alive. How is anyone in the audience supposed to take this seriously
when the filmmakers pull a Search for Spock before the credits
roll?
Much as it may seem like I hate this
movie, it doesn't inspire anywhere near that amount of passion. More
than anything I'm baffled by its existence. Through all two and half
hours nothing of substance takes place. The whole thing comes off as
something we'll look back on years from now as a cinematic curiosity.
The most comparable movie I can think of is Avatar,
another hollow endeavor that made tons of cash entirely on the merit
of being shiny. Perhaps this DC film universe will one day provide us
with a good flick. For now; I'm just happy there's a new episode of
Arrow
on my DVR.
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