Guess what day it is? No. Not hump day,
that's just silly. It's Friday the 13th. That sporadically
occurring sub holiday of bad luck and hockey masked killing machines.
As always I planed on making a post for this special occasion,. Do ya
think I actually put any planing into it though? Did I dig out one of
those weird Jason X novels from the bookshelf? Maybe I had the
ambition to dig out the long box and find a couple comics. Nah, I
didn't do a thing. Actually I thought about checking out a fan film
or two but then I remembered how much I hate fan flicks. If I were
craftier I'd simply blame this lack of preparation on the cold
weather which begs for three naps a day but let's face it, I've been
slacking off and playing video games. Still; a spark of something lit
up earlier this morning. Plenty of sites do features for the Friday
series whether it be the best kills or strangest moments. Very few
ever report why the series matters to them. It's one thing to say you
love a film series but another task entirely to reveal why it's such
an important part of your life and identity.
I actually came across Friday the 13th
a bit later than most horror series. I'd been a fan of Alien and
Predator since age 8. Had my first visits from Freddy and Michael by
11. Hell, I'd even encountered Pinhead, Chucky, and the damn Candyman
by then. Oddly enough I never caught Jason's exploits on TV until I
was 16 or so. Believe the first entry I ever caught any amount of was
The New Blood. After seeing bits & piece on the tube, I took to
renting them from Blockbuster, somewhat out of order. Scratch that.
Very out of Order. Eventually I picked up the From Crystal Lake to
Manhattan box set and binged during a birthday week. I didn't quite
understand it at the time but these trashy movies were working some
magic on me. It wasn't anything so dramatic as an overnight
conversion. No, it was a slow process that this franchise from
something I felt like catching up on, to full on obsession. Very much
like my horror movie collecting, I can't pinpoint the moment or
reason for getting started, I simply realized one day that I'd
started on that track.
Why then does the series matter so
much to me? In truth I think it's because I see my own surroundings
in these stories. No, I'm not some lakeside dwelling crazypants. I
live ina moderate sized midwest town where everything's a little
filthy, the people are more than a tad strange, and it's always a
wise decision to never place your nightly ambitions any higher than
getting wasted. To a certain extant that's all these movies are
about. Crystal Lake, later renamed Forest Green, and back again is
such a rotten place that's chock full of weird people. All the
characters who visit generally don't aim very high. They're never
those super proactive types who live every moment to the fullest.
Most of them usually end up disappointed in their day, or camped out
alone in some corner of the house.
Plenty of the other horror franchises
have their focus set on stuff I never really identified with.
Halloween, Elm Street, and Scream were much more for the well to do
suburbia crowd. Candyman & Maniac Cop dwell in the dank city.
Flicks like The Fog, Critters, or The Boogens had a more rural aspect
to them. As far as small town life is concerned, most people turn to
Stephen King's brand of drama where everybody knows everybody else
which was never my reality. My world is one with crappy weather, lots
of trees, strange people, and the prospect that a party may wrap up
with me getting drunk on a couch by myself. That's the world I always
see in these flicks, only tuned up to eleven with all the various
town legends getting crushed down to one about a bullied child and
his mother who get revenge on their surroundings. Oh, and a really
pissed off paramedic with lousy parenting skills.
Perhaps my write up makes it all sound
a little sad but I don't see it that way. I've lived my life in an
environment that doesn't aim high so there's a certain comfort
blanket effect to films which revel in the same atmosphere. It's part
of the reason a movie like Blue Velvet can give me a big goofy grin.
Somehow I doubt I've sold my point
completely. In all fairness the sandman's calling my name. Maybe it
really is time for that 3rd nap of the day. Ya know what?
Let's wrap this up with one of those lists like all the other FT13th
articles with some power rankings.
Best to Worst: Friday the 13th
Part IV: The Final Chapter
No other installment better
encapsulates the entirety of what this series has to offer. It's
trashy, funny, bloody, features some decent tail, and a surprisingly
effective plot-line about a boy battling a real life monster. I
showed this one to my last...not so much girlfriend...girl I dated
because if you don't enjoy this, then these movie's really aren't for
you at all.
Favorite Kill: So many good ones to
chose from but I think the extra cruel harpoon to the nuts get my
vote for the top spot.
Part VI: Jason Lives
My personal favorite and just an
outstandingly fun party flick. Grown up Tommy Jarvis (as played by
Thom Matthews) is a hoot and nearly every kill is a classic.
Favorite Kill: Think I've gotta go
with the double header in the RV. Jason pulverizes a girl in the
bathroom, rams her head into the wall, before approaching the driver
and jaming a knife into his skull. This results in a massive crash
which Jason emerges from in a manner that makes Chuck Norris look
like a bitch
Part III
The movie that really made the formula
for this series. While the first two were closer to murder mysteries,
this was classic dumb kids getting axed by crazed killer. The cheesy
3-D effects and origin of the hockey mask, not to mention the disco
theme music only add to the fun.
Favorite Kill: Absolutely the head
crush which sends a spring loaded eyeball flying at the screen.
Terrific.
Freddy Vs Jason
Somehow this will be considered a
controversial for reason I can't understand. People hate this one
despite it being a total blast. I've seen so many articles bemoaning
whether it veers to much towards one franchise or the other, or
whining about who may or may not have won the conflict. I say just
lay back and enjoy the show, oh and Monica Keena's sweater kittens.
Favorite Kill: Jason shoves his
machete through a guys back repeatedly only to finish it off by
folding his victim along with their bed, in half
Part I
The original and all encompassing
blueprint for how to make a campground horror flick. It's very basic
and fairly predictable yet solid enough to hold up all these years
later.
Favorite Kill: Probably go with Kevin
bacon taking an arrow through the throat. It's tough, gross, and I
like to imagine he actually survives the ordeal and starts his life
over as a southwestern handyman named Valentine.
Part V: A New Beginning
Another disliked entry which marked
the second time Jason wasn't the killer. Year ago this would have
ranked lower but over time it's won me over with its grand view of
Forest Green and the freaks who live there.
Favorite Kill: Kills are a bit weaker
here. Oddly enough I'm gonna go with the first real kill which goes
to some punk who takes out the mentality handicapped guy, thous
setting off a chain of violence throughout the town.
Part II
A step up from the first in both
atmosphere and violence yet it falls behind in pacing.
Favorite Kill: The wheelchair bound
counselor taking a machete to the face, forcing his chair to roll
down the stairs is a brutal image that'll stick with you long after
the movie wraps up.
Friday the 13th (2009)
So many people love to piss & moan
over this reboot though there's still enough to make it worth
checking out such as some good humor and possibly the best Jason.
Favorite Kill: Jason take the mean and
efficient route here which makes a lot of the kills quick &
straightforward. I'm quite a fan of the the machete to through the
dock, into a topless girls head, lifting her up for one final boob
shot. Classy.
Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan
Mostly silly garbage with psychic
powers and floods of toxic waste. It does have the distinct advantage
of being the most 80'entry in the series.
Favorite Kill: The head punch. It's
the best.
Part VII: The New Blood
Essentially Carrie vs Jason. It's
filled with awful characters and horrid dialogue. The kills could
have been a saving grace if this wasn't the most heavily edited
entry.
Favorite Kill: The sleeping bag bit
would've been great if it hadn't been cut short.
Jason X
Jason goes to space and becomes
something of a high tech wrestler. Incredibly dumb with terrible
music. There is some good ankle and the biggest body count of the
franchise to help it out a little.
Favorite Kill: Lot's of folks love the
frozen face smash but I can't agree since I always wanted that blonde
to make it just a little longer. Honestly don't have a favorite since
you go a little body blind with this one.
Jason Goes to Hell
Jason's a body jumping hell worm with
a fascination for shaving men. It's even worse than it sounds.
Favorite Kill. The pole through the
tent is such a life saver since it puts an end to a horribly
unappealing sex scene. Thank you, pole.
I can't really tell if this article
made any sense at all cause god am I ever tired. We'll be back to
normal coveridge in a couple days. For now, I'm gonna go downstairs,
turn on the new blood and maybe indulge in that 3rd nap.
Hope you guys are having a great 13th.
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