ToQer Episode 1

It's been quiet round these parts lately don't ya think? I know, I know. I should have put up more things to help you fine folks pass these cold winter days but I've had a case of lazy February. Basically I've been playing games, reading books, or just spinning in place while I wait for winter to finish the fuck up. This past week has finally provided some decent temperatures which has allowed me to get outside for some air and recharge the batteries. Hell! I even shoveled during a thunderstorm. Not something many people can attest to having done. With my renewed vigor I deem it time to write about something import. And what could be more important than a brand new Super Sentai series? Please treat that question as a rhetorical one and come with me on this bonkers journey.

I've had a slowly growing love for Japanese superheroes for a few years now, which jumped into top gear last spring as I started to get my hands on fansubs of different shows that have never, nor likely will ever, reach our shores. I finish some of them, and am still working on others, yet there was one final step to take into full fandom and that is keeping up with the current entry as it airs. Seems I picked a good series to start with as the premier of ToQger is pure televised sugar rush.

The show starts with a basic mission statement for the kiddies. The power of imagination is super important and there are apparently shadow beings who strive to destroy that power. Naturally this involves kidnapping children and sending them off on a nightmare train.

As you can see the evil train is absolutely tits and riding on it is our main character whose presence there is still a mystery along with several other story elements. The quote on that screen cap actually belongs to him and it illustrates a lot of what I already like about the character. He doesn't need everything explained to him and most of all, he has fun being a superhero. This is such a sight for sore eyes. I mean I love me some western comic book heroes. I watch Arrow, love the Raimi directed Spider-Man flicks, read X-men, Captain Marvel, etc, but man do I ever get tired of hearing about how hard it is to be a hero. Seeing some kids just enjoy it to the fullest is really refreshing. Plus the main kid totally won me over with this exchange with a monkey puppet.

 

Yeah, that monkey puppet is their boss by the way. I guess next week they get to meet the an oddly attractive girl robot that works on the train they use as a base. These folks seem downright normal compared to the villains who are all a mix of steampunk and nightmare fuel.

 

It's not long before we get to the action segments of the show. We get to see the whole array of train themed weapons and robots at our heroes disposal. Also they have the ability to swap colors with each other. Forget your old Power Ranger standards of girls are pink, men are red. In this episode alone we get pink men, green girls, cats and dogs falling from the sky, mass hysteria! I simply must mention the teams big cannon which allows them to finish off the monster with whatever they can imagine. In this case they crush the beast under a pile of crying child statues.

 

It's crazy wild entertainment and it knows it. There's so much I haven't even hinted at and yet I don't think I could cover everything even if I wanted too. Of course that's somewhat to be expected from the first episode. I imagine things will smooth out a little over the next few installments, allowing me to provide write-ups that aren't utter lunacy. Still; this is exactly the kind of show people need in a time when far too much of the entertainment world is stuck up its own ass with self-importance. I'll definitely be tuning in and continue to bring you the highlights as we go. Toot! Toot!

Robocop 2 The Novel Review

Going back a few months worth of entries you'll find a bit about my finds from the local libraries book sale. In truth it was probably the greatest haul I've ever had from the years I've been attending. Such a great haul in fact that I'm still working on reading through some of my prizes such as the abysmal piece of literature I'm about to cover.

Thanks to the awful looking remake looming in front of us, I've had an urge to revisit some classic Robocop cheese which made for the perfect excuse to read through the novelization of Robocop 2 by Ed Naha. If the authors name sounds familiar to you it's most likely because he was the screenwriter for Honey I Shrunk the Kids, its' lousy sequel, and a few other odd flicks. Dare I say the man should have stuck to screenplays. Admittedly his grammar is sound and incredibly easy to read but the man is an absolute cheese dick. Take for instance the part where he describes the title character as “a shining sinewy warrior of the new age.” I can't say whether Ed actually watched the movies he was adapting or was working solely off of the screenplay but Robocop is the polar opposite of sinewy. He's practically a filing cabinet with a gun. And how great would it be to see that cabinet take down some hood only to then spout off “file him under C.....for creep.” Follow that up with a song from the who and you've got a hit series.

 

I've you've never had the displeasure of watching Robocop 2 here's the gist. There's a new superdrug on the street called nuke, Robocop is out to stop it, and........that's about it. Ok there are some additional complications from sub-plots involving the Detroit police being on strike and OCP being up to there no-good ways (which results in an evil drug addict robot for our hero to fight” and there' an occasional attempt at covering the emotional fallout of being half-robot but that's really just window dressing as the whole endeavor is struggling to get past two hundred pages. None of this is Mr. Naha's fault of course as he's simply working off of the scraps left to him by Walon Green and Frank Miller (shudder). There is one area where he could have made an attempt tofix something that was lacking in the script and that is in the absolute loss of proper satire. The first flick remains a classic thanks to both the obscene levels of gore and the surprisingly smart social commentary. The second flick pretended to aim for such wit but usually just put in filth for the sake of filth. This book is no different, which is illustrated best by a sequence of one crime leading to another, which includes this bit about ten year old hookers.

 

So the verbage is far too over the top and flowery. The story and setting are puerile early 90's comic shit. However; there's one element the author could use to make this turd float. Books always have the perk of being able to glimpse into the thoughts and feelings of the characters, offering insights that the movie could never dream of. How does he integrate this extra layer of detail into the proceedings? I give you the bottom of page 227.

 

Wont somebody please think of the Children!? Oh god what crap. Given the ability to actually delve into the mind of Alex Murphy, the best the author can give us is that he's a tough Irish cop (cause we've never heard that shit before), and that he really cares about kids. Like cares way too much about kids.

Oh but I've gone all this way and forgotten to mention the TV bits. The movies had a tradition of ludicrous commercials and news programs scattered throughout the story. The book isn't much different except that instead of simply cutting away to this stuff the writer makes sure that one of the characters is watching the broadcast. The first chapter of the book is Robocop fucking watching TV! No Joke! I bring these sections up not only because of the absolute silliness of spending chapters describing commercials but one particular bit that made me double take.

Yeah. He went there. Now I don't tend to shy away from racy language in any of my writing but when detailing a suntan ad you might want to avoid using some old timey racial slurs. As a cracker, I can't say as I'm offended so much as amazed that the writer thought this was the best wording to use for that scene and that the editors and publishers didn't block it.

Now don't start thinking that I regret reading this book, cause it made for a refreshing experience thanks to it being easier to read than most goosebumps titles. Of course when that's the best thing you can say about a book, you should probably toss it aside and read Welcome to Dead House yet again. Actually that's a pretty good book. Go read that.

I which I Attack the Soda Shaq

Saturday was one of the few days where it was actually warm enough, if you consider twenty degrees to be warm, to be out and about. On my return home I was greated with a small gift. Behold!

Yeah folks. In case you weren't aware, Kazam has his own soda. Four of them in fact. My brother-in-law nabbed the entire line from the nearest 7-eleven and since the weather has returned to a nightmarish chill I've spent my last few days incarcerated with few ways to better spend my time than drowning in cream soda. Before we get to the individual write-ups I oughta note two things. First is that these come in the traditional Arizona tea cans which while great for the regular teas and tonics, provides way to much soda to go through in a single sitting without feeling the onset of a diabetic coma. Unlike regular Arizona drinks these are actually made with sugar and honey in place of corn-syrup, so they've got the semi-healthy angle going for them too.

Round 1: Cream Soda.

I figured it'd be best to clear out the most basic entry first and I must say it didn't set a good tone for the its' brothers. Everyone expects a nice smooth and sweet drink from cream soda but this stuff is harsh and bitey almost more like a cola. I didn't found it outright gross but it's almost a complete failure at what it's supposed to be. Hard to believe that a pitch-man for the icy hot back patch would sully his name with such an inferior product (internet sarcasm). Still; at least the sugar/honey combo within the can provided me with the giddy energy I needed for my triple feature of Sleepwalkers, The Willies (definitely doing a feature on this one), and the Nest which made for possibly the best night of viewing I've had so far this year.

Round 2: Blueberry Cream Soda.

It's not a secret that I maintain a veracious love affair with anything even lightly affiliated with blueberries. Under the right circumstances, I might even eat a blueberry scented candle. Surely there was no way that someone could possibly screw up a drink like this for me.....or could they? Alright; it's not as weak as the basic cream soda but this completely fails to live up to it's potential. Opening the can unleashed an almost heavenly smell but upon actually taking a drink it was just the same gross cream soda with a thin layer of berries to help lift it out of oblivion. I think I'm more offended by this one as it should have easily been my favorite rather than a sad footnote in a blog entry.

Round 3: Strawberry Cream Soda.

Finally! They got something right! Basically what you're getting here is strawberry shortcake in a can. It still fails as a cream soda but the strawberry flavoring for this one was actually strong enough to make something good. However; the damn can size is still an issue. Even with as much as I liked this one I got tired of drinking it around the halfway point. Sure you can put in the fridge and come back to it later but then you're stuck with flat shortcake water. Still; the sweet refreshing flavor makes this the only can of shaq-fu that I might seek out again. Consider that to be spoilers for the last one.

Final Round: Orange Cream Soda.

You couldn't ask for a more classic flavor combination than orange and cream. With the good will this line-up earned with strawberry I was willing to believe in this one but it just didn't work out for me, though I will note my sister seemed to think it was good so maybe I'm just off on it. Actually it reminds me of the orange creamsavers they used to make years ago. It has that same kind of medicinal flavor as those old candies, so if anyone has been looking to recreate that experience give these a try. All others can easily find better orange-cream drinks floating around.

Tomorrow is supposed to mark a return to somewhat normal temperatures for my area which means I can catch up on some exorcise instead of staring out the window, spooning peanut butter into my waiting maw. Since this is most likely my last entry for the month, I'll leave you with this confounding image. Ta!

Over-analyzing DVD Art: Sleepwalkers and The Willies

Not an hour ago, the UPS man knocked on my garage baring a tiny amazon box just for me. Knowing that it's in the single digits out there, I bounded out in the snow to recover my package before the weather had its way with my prize. Inside the box were my two newest acquisitions for the horror collection. Both of them bring my total up to a nice & plump 605 but what makes them more exciting is what they represent. The last few weeks I've been working on clearing out multi-feature and franchise sets which for as good as the Psycho sequels and Daimajin movies are, working on several series at once can start to turn horror time into a chore. Thous I made a move to break up the monotony with some early 90's cheese. Of course it's always more fun to get new toys in the mail when you've been up for hours in an attempt to fix your schedule.

 

Looking at these things is just an absolute delight. So happy that they each have their original artwork and not some floating heads hack job. Sadly, the studio couldn't resist adding that bubble about the King and Barker cameos in Sleepwalkers. It's a real shame as this is a piece of art I can remember gracing the walls of almost every rental stores horror section. Just something about an army of cats laying siege to a country house that sticks with a kid. The Willies oddly keeps it classier, even featuring the artists signature in the bottom-right corner. It really shows how far the art of posters has sunk that even a total under the radar flick like this had proper artwork to show it off. Now even the summer tentpole flicks just feature the star surround by either smoke. fire, rain, or some combination of the three.

I adore the assertion that only Stephen King could write Stephen King's Sleepwalkers. Shouldn't that always be a given? I know there are many King flicks written by other people, but when I see his name as the start of the title I usually assume it's him. Maybe I should adapt that for the site though. Only CosmicSparky could write CosmicSparky's Den of Madness!

 

Blame it on the lack of sleep, but the site of Rudy hobbit staring at me from the side of the Willies case just completed my day. Sorry for the lousy photo. It was the best I could get while that cat alternated between trying to clean my hands or make sweet love to the dvd case.

 

Oh wow. The back of the Willies case is so much like a good Tales from the Darkside gallery. I've been waiting to watch this one for a few years in the understanding that it's basically a nastier version of Are you Afraid of the Dark. The whole full moon over the woods bit totally sells the campfire story angle. It's giving me such a yearning for better weather so I can spend some time out in the backyard, shooting the shit. Christ! I think this case is convincing me to move to a warmer climate!

And with that I'm off to try and make something of this six degree day. Star funky people.

Winter Storm Number...I Forget.

Anyone reading will have to forgive this article for being a bit scatterbrained. Frankly the proper tense usage has been lost to it being altered and added to over the course of the whole week. At the very least there is the pervasive theme of almost Lovecraftian weather.

Yeah, Winter storm Ion has sat its' hefty white ass down upon the state of Michigan like the proverbial toilet it is. Whereas the last storm preferred thick sheets of ice, this time it's mounds of snow taller than my dogs combined with below zero temperatures. Honestly, I never expected weather to be a recurring topic for this site yet this winter seems dead set on resembling every exterior shot from The Thing. Don't believe me? Just take a gander at this.

  

The majority of snowfall came in on Sunday which also marked a friends' birthday. I've learned that it's usually better to leave the more personal stuff out of blogs so let's just keep to a simple reminder. We had what was essentially a private screening of Anchorman 2 in the local tiny theater which was playing it on a film projector. It's been a few year since I last watched a flick projected this way. With the deadline for all digital projectors coming up soon, this could very well be the last time I see a movie this way so the intimate experience of it just being us few friends was definitely the right way to send out the format.

The other things of note that night were a dinner obtained through the nearby shell station, a game of King of Tokyo, a stellar walk home in the midst of the blizzard, and one mighty barbarian leap into a snow bank which nearly got me stuck in place.

Monday was the embodiment of the waiting game. Temperatures took a dive well into the sea of negative numbers making staying indoors the only real option for the day. Of course that didn't stop me and mine from venturing out to see gas stations that had bagged up their freezing pumps. While out in the frozen wastes we managed to pick up some taco bell and doughnuts to make life a tad merrier.

Tuesday brought a nasty surprise in that a person I dog sit for slipped on some of this frozen horror show and injured themselves. Subsequently; a great deal of this article is being written at her house in an attempt to pass the time while I keep an eye on the dog. Honestly it reminds me of college except that instead of rooming with a strange smelling guy from Taiwan, I'm paired with a mopey corgi.

I'll never understand what it is that makes living in someone elses' place so difficult. While dog-sitting I had the same range of activities available to me that I do at home, but as I could never get 100% comfortable there's always that weird strain on both mind and body. There's a special range of survival skills required to deal with that kind of situation. My method was to reconnect with my inner sloth. That guy who just sits glassy eyed in front of a Tales from the Darkside marathon whilst cramming cheese crackers into his maw only to be amazed at how many landed on his shirt. It's been a while since I fully indulged that guy but it was required to make it through all three days.

Friday morning allowed me to finally return home where I showered, shaved, crapped, devoured bagels, etc, before leaping into my clean bed and spinning like an alligator during a death roll...or is that crocodile? My joy centers where so engorged that is was nearly impossible to think. I swear I could feel ideas forming at the back of my mind only to collide with this wall of contentment like a bird slamming into a clean window. I spent the entire day in that manner. Honestly it's a great feeling to remember how much you love your own little spot and the stuff you keep in it.

Yet another Sunday. Just one week after mother nature buried us up to our ass in frosty hell, the temps are high and the snow's been melting away. My group ended up at an Asian Buffet wherein I set my new record for most types of animals consumed in the same meal. The magic number was nine. One of these was my first ever frog leg. It's tasty.....just not as tasty as alligator.

 

Thous concludes the tale of one of the oddest weeks I've had for a while. Next time we'll get away from this slice of life nonsense and back into snack foods, horror movies, and board games. Here's a little teaser for you. I had a beef jerkey chocolate bar......I wouldn't recommend it. Ta!

Howdy There 2014

The new year has arrived folks. Frankly I'm excited as I accomplished a good bit last year and am hoping to continue the trend. One kind of lackluster note for any readers (anyone? Me?) is that I obviously didn't start my big project in mid-December. The not so big secret is that I was trying to start up a public domain movie show in the fashion of MonsterVision or Elivra but I decided that given current circumstances I won't be able to make the show to my desired level of quality. I plan on starting it up this year, after I give myself a few months to work on the logistics and get some other major accomplishments-jobs, book writing-cleared out. Now I'm aiming towards a launch date of spring/summer, so as many Japanese folks like to say, Please look forward to it.

Now that 2013 is over, I figured I'd note a few things I accomplished over the year that made it memorable. Most of these are things that occurred before I started this site, or just neglected to write about.

#1. My first website: Of course starting this site is chiefly notable. I'd been dreaming of having my own blog for years,a task I'd neglected for whatever reason before originally starting it up on wordpress. It was less than a week before I moved to the far superior blogging tools available here on blogger. Granted, this little enterprise isn't everything I want it to be just yet but here's hoping I can make it into something special over time.

#2. New hobbies: 3 new obsessions joined my already hefty portfolio of interests over the last twelve months. First up I fully dived into the world of tokusatsu. Previously I'd flirted with some classic Japanese heroes like Ultraman and Iron King but the time finally came for me to expand into Super Sentai and the like which resulted in me viewing all of Dairanger, both seasons of Akibaranger, and almost half of kakuranger, This year I plan on making my way through more shows, including my first Kamen Rider. Anyone have a suggestions for which one to start with?

Upcycling worked its way onto my life thanks to a combination of boredom and the need for some more furniture/decorations. I didn't complete anywhere near the amount of projects I wanted-thanks to the early onset of cold wet weather-which is going to have me jumping at the bit come spring.

Finally the big new hobby is getting into the board game scene. I started up around July, mainly thanks to a clearance priced copy of Settlers of Catan. That small start soon ballooned up to something like 15-16 games with multiple expansions as well. It's even led to my first kickstarter item. It's honestly a great-though pricy-hobby and there will definitely be more coverage on here about it.

#3. Public April Fools gags: Far too many years passed by with me usually forgetting about April fools. Last year I decided to make a proper tradition out of the day by making odd things to put around town in the hopes of fooling complete strangers. It's a tough thing to write about as there's only so much I can reveal about each prank without ruining it. However; I aim to continue this idea each and every year, finally making the first of April a very important day.

#4 Nerdy accomplishments: Finally beat my first Zelda game in the form of the minish cap.

I've now seen every single Godzilla flick.

Completed Star Trek Voyager, which was my last trek show meaning I've seen the whole franchise now. Honestly I'm feeling the need to delve into the books to get my trek fix.

Right before New Years I bought the last item needed to get my horror movie collection up to 600 titles, which made me feel amazing.

#5 Miscellaneous: Danced on a road sign. Chances are you won't come across a downed road sign, but if you do, I highly recommend doing a little jig on it.

First Maple Syrup Festival. Not a huge event by any means but it was nice to finally experience it after living nearby for so many years.

I'd been meaning to give to toys for tots for years, and thanks to a few decent toy deals at wally world I got my chance. It's an odd feeling to give to other people without ever witnessing the final results. Still very glad I did it.

There are so many other things noted out on my sheet of paper that I won't get into seeing as I've made my point that 2013 was a productive year and I hope to keep up the pace and finish some major projects. May good luck come to all of us this year.

Cold as Ice

Quite a few things have happened folks. I originally intended to have something up over the weekend, but a combination of crazy weather and over 30 hours without power put that on hold. Believe it or not, the whole endeavor has left me with vast amounts of Christmas spirit! Let's note that I'm starting this on Monday Night but as the internet is M.I.A. At the moment so who knows when this will actually get posted.

First let's touch on Friday Shall we? I started the day with a slight wrap up of seasonal work-to be renewed in early January-where I delivered my first gifts of the season. It was rainy out; the snow melting to provide thick puddles along the roads. The day would have gone down as fairly uneventful if not for the first of many quests. That night I went out on a four mile walk to return/rent movies, wrap up some banking, things of that nature. It was a thoroughly invigorating-if a bit soggy-affair that jacked my holiday spirit up to full. The only downside of the trek was on my return home I hit a soiled spot of ice that left me with the choice of of potentially falling on my back or diving sideways into a large pile of quickly freezing snow. I chose the snow, causing the entire left leg of my pants to be soaked. Still; a solid adventure all around.

Saturday stepped things up a bit more with an ice storm to coat every tree branch and power line in a thick crust of frozen horror. This made for a great excuse to stay in and watch things like “Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2” and fellow Christmas fright flicks. One can stay glued to the teli for only so long however, so my brother-in-law & I ventured out into the icy town at 3 AM. The neighborhoods were a strange patchwork of bits that had power and those that lacked. Most of the houses were fine, but a great deal of the street lights had gone dark. The best part was the occasional multicolored flash from various transistors or power lines that where blowing out. In a strange piece of serendipity the last song on the radio before reaching home was “Cold as Ice” by foreigner. We kept our power that night, which allowed us to revel in more horror movies and gingerbread M&M's.

 

I wasn't awake long on Sunday before the aftereffects of the ice storm took out our power. This made for one boring ass day until I decided to venture out to deliver presents to some friends. This truly ranked as one of my all-time greatest walks. There wasn't a light to be seen though the snow provided a blue glow which allowed me see as far as the eye would allow. The few people I encountered along the way were all extra friendly and the sights will remain in my mind for some time to come. The camera on my phone wouldn't pick up much, though it was able to take shots downtown where one side of the street still had some power.

 

After visiting with friends and doing the Santa bit I ended up back home to whittle away some hours with an extended game of Lords of Waterdeep. Board games really do come in in handy during a blackout, though I must say it adds an extra layer of difficulty when trying to see what's going on when all you have are candles and flashlights to work with.

I slept for an extended period of time on Monday morning. Waking only so a few of us could venture into Lansing for the promise of some electricity and warm food. The main strip of West Lansing was only partially operational. The mall was open, but many of the lights were turned off and very few stores even tried to play music. I found it rather pathetic that stores with practical entertainment like books and tabletop games weren't making a major push to get people to buy.

Eventually hunger took hold as the driving force of our trip. We decided to see if the nearest Denny's had power. Indeed it was a veritable temple of light. As we walked up the the entryway we were greeted by multiple signs claiming they were closed due to having no power. We walked inside-yes, the doors were unlocked-to surround ourselves with the glow of electricity. We could hear someone working in the kitchen and even asked for them, receiving only silence in response. We abandoned that sad scene in favor of the nearby Steak 'n Shake. You might not think much of the place but after spending over a day living off of the remaining snacks in the cupboard........let's just say the meal was almost a religious experience.

 

Power returned late Monday night which allowed us to spend our Tuesday cleaning the house up and stocking up for a well deserved holiday feast. Christmas day is here at last and boy do I ever appreciate it this year. After facing the threat of a holiday without light or heat I can't wait to make my eggnog, tear open some presents and lay back to watch the Santa's Slay and the Alastair Sim Christmas Carol.

I must be going now folks. I wish you all the merriest Christmas there is, along with all the other celebrations. Have a great time. That's an order.