It's been quite a few weeks since we've
covered that massive screw job known as The Crossing, but worry not
dear readers, the story will make just as much sense as it ever has.
When we last checked in, several blows had been made to Tony Stark's
evil schemes, Wasp had transformed into an actual bug person, and
Madam Masque of all people had a theory on how to stop the madness.
Can this story wrap up in any sort of sensible manner? Not likely but
let's give it a look anyway.
Avengers: Timeslide
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"You're dead!" "No I'm not." "Well okey then." |
We get right into some action as the
Avengers along with a few helpers like a shirtless, low powered Thor
battle some of Kang's minions in hopes of reaching the magic basement
door. Of course the final big push of the story should yet again
involve basements. Then Captain America finally decides to join the
tale which is met with “Aren't you dead?” to which Vision replies
“Clearly he's not.” Guess that settles the issue. Yellow Jacket
(the lady who died at the being of this mess) also shows up in a
brief time jump that we saw way back when. It's one of those rare
instances of actual cohesion that doesn't add to much but I'll take
it. The evil twin, Tobias shows up to end the fight and before ya
know it, the magic basement door is busted and Avengers are sent
soaring through the timestream with Century as their guide.
Ten years in the past....no really,
that's where they end up since giving actual years to the Marvel time
line is a futile effort. Cap, Widow, and Jarvis arrive at the Stark
Family estate with almost zero memory of what they're supposed to be
doing while a teenaged Tony Stark rides around town with some
Blondie. Also, the Vision is being cared for by a young Matt Murdock
while pointless cameos abound such as Sue Storm with freakish hands.
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My god, what's happened to her hands! |
Old Jarvis informs young Jarvis of the
situation when they realize that today's date is when Maria Stark
dies. Fitting, since Tobias (who's twice the size of everyone else
for....reason) just busted into the house. The Avengers fight and
lose yet again as the giant weirdo runs off with Tony's parents. The
kid arrives just in time to do this weird thinking hands thing to his
face the the team tells him their brilliant plan of taking him into
the future to stop his psycho adult self from destroying the world.
He doesn't much care for the plan until Jarvis gives him some spiel
about loving him like a son. I guess that means more when you're
parents have been kidnapped by a time traveling giant.
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"There are my thinkin' fingers." |
Tony tracks his mother using her
hi-tech super watch he made for her. The group air drops into battle
with Tobias who kills the Elder Starks. Believe or not they actually
put a hurtin' on him until his brother reaches through time to rescue
him. The younger Tony, now filled with some good old fashioned dead
parent rage decides he'll go along with whatever the Avengers want.
Question is; how do they get back home? That's easy. Tobias was
holding up in a place where Dr. Doom kept a time platform. The evil
dude's all like “I gather you're not from here. Please leave.” So
they do. Wasn't that awfully convenient?
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"Get out of my time and into my car." |
Iron Man #325
Remember how the Iron Man issues in
this event are usually the least interesting while being endlessly
confusing? Well this one's got it's fair share of stupid to go
around. Things kick off innocently enough with teen Tony catching up
on all the newfangled technology his older self left in the evil
future basement. Meanwhile Hawkeye and Madam Masque watch him over
security monitors and bond by throwing drinks at each other.
After a brief interlude where old Tony
sits around and mopes (big change of pace there), a big chunk all
about the family dynamics of Kang, Mantis, and their weirdo twin boys
begins. Tobias and Kang train with the henchmen while Malachi asks
his mommy how she met his time conquering father. Did I mention that
he's wrapped around her legs like a whiny toddler? Cause he is, which
is totally normal for a teenager, right?
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ummm, buddy. Don't touch mommy like that. |
Eventually, Mantis finds herself as
board with the conversation as we are and wonders off for an extended
inner monologue about all that she's lost and how her so-called
friends, the avengers weren't there in her time of need. Perfect
reasoning for marrying a madman and reshaping history. She goes to
visits old Tony as she senses that his loneliness and pain is equal
to her own as another victim of this war (What war?). He whines about
how no one can take away his pain which she questions as to whether
anyone has ever tried. Then she licks bloody tears off his face in
some weird seduction scenario. So did they do it? Who knows. Like so
many other plot points, this event is never mentioned again which
begs the question of why it even happens in the first place. Oh, and
does Tony have the stigmata? Seems like he should get that whole
bloody tears thing checked out.
Back at Avengers mansion, the team
looks for.....not really sure. They just fill a few pages doing very
little until Captain America comes along and says it's time to start
the final battle. If only things were that simple however as their
blocked in their own front yard by a man named Gyrich (a stand in for
every corrupt political wiener) and a bunch of mandroids.
Out in the arctic, young Tony opens up
the technodrome only to be assaulted by Machinesmoth who is abruptly
killed for the second time in this event by Masque and Hawkeye who
provide back-up for the new kid. Making their way inside they come
across a storage room for Iron Man suits. Little does anyone know
that old Tony is in one of the suits hanging on the wall much like an
old spook house painting with moving eyes. Ole crazy pants attacks
the intruders who are joined by his psychic ex-girlfriend cause she
might as well do something worthwhile in this damn story. The kid
suits up while back in New York, the Avengers get transported by the
Century so they can finally stop wasting pages on another pointless
battle scene. Back in the arctic, Old Tony gains the upper hand and
unmasks the young upstart. He's not very happy to see his younger
self.
After some over dramatics, evil Tony
attempts to kills his younger self by ripping his chest. No real
details, he just reaches into the kids chest and pulls whatever out.
The result is that the kid now has a damaged heart (natch). Does this
count as attempted murder/suicide? Just wondering. Before the
Avengers can stop him, he fades out in a time mist only to be
replaced by Kang, Mantis, and their crew of flunkies.
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He's a real heart breaker. Sorry. I couldn't resist. |
Avengers #395
The majority of this issue is just one
big fight while Kang preps his Temporal Transposer (actual name).
Crystal and The Vision sit most of it out as they work to keep young
Tony alive. Boy am I glad that kid turned out to be so useful. Mantis
goes on the warpath, bitching and moaning about how the team never
helped her and blames Vision for never returning her feelings opting
instead for Scarlet Witch. Nothing shows off a poorly written female
character like her blaming everyone else for her years of marrying
villains, kidnapping children, and wiping out entire nations from
exsistance.
One more last minute plot-development
comes forth when Kang reveals that Stark wasn't his first choice for
a mole in the Avengers. He actually tried to bend Hank Pym to his
will, which serves as an explanation for his years of mental illness.
Oh and dare I forget more vague hints about a greater threat that
Kang is trying to stop......yeah, nothing comes of that.
While all of this is going on, old
Tony wanders around the time palace as he comes to the realization
that being a puppet to some big purple asshole was one of his lesser
life choices. Thous he frees Mantis' plant based ex-husband from the
dungeons and the two of them join in the fight against Kang. It all
comes down to Tony shutting down the temporal transposer by
sacrificing himself. As he dies, Kang & Mantis escape while
shouting about how “No one is safe now” (safe from what?), then
Tuc shows up to give Luna back to her parents, and Force Works
arrives with a half-hearted “sorry we're late, we've got things to
discuss.” It's totally a lie, they've got nothing to talk about.
Age of Innocence: The Rebirth of Iron
Man
Turns out that before he kicked the
bucket, old Tony gave the team some schematics for his suits so they
could use it to rebuild young Tony's heart. Hank Pym does just that
with some invasive surgery. What follows is basically an overview of
Iron Man's history as different friends show up to discuss their
relationships along with his actions and flaws. Most of it is fairly
simplistic and uninteresting until the last ten pages or so when
things go off the rails.
First off, Madam Masque decides to
torment a comatose Tony by changing her face into all the different
women he's failed over the years. Then Marianne, the psychic one, has
a spiritual projection adventure into the kids organs which yields
yet another unnecessary ass shot.
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Did you really think I'd forget an ass shot? |
To cap things off, some goofball all
in red appears to tell Tony about all the different villains he's
just inherited from his older self. Apparently that was the last jolt
the kid needed to wake up and take the place of the newly deceased
Tony Stark.
So that's it right? The villains have
been stopped, several characters have been changed in the hopes of
making them more marketable. Clearly there's nothing else to cover.
Wrong! There are still 4 more issues to go in this travesty. Come
back soon when, god willing, we can wrap up the crossing.